


The Thing About Love

by AlmayCorazon



Series: Our Day Will Come Series [3]
Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:56:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 186,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27633071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmayCorazon/pseuds/AlmayCorazon
Summary: Rewrite in progress...the thrilling conclusion to the Our Day Will Come Saga
Relationships: Santana Lopez/Brittany S. Pierce
Series: Our Day Will Come Series [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867795
Comments: 35
Kudos: 41





	1. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow (Amy Winehouse)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Back at it. So much of this is the original and I'm leery about it. Review, if you please. I need some encouragement right about now, big time.

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 60**

* * *

**_Day 60_ **

**_May 28, 2013_ **

**_Hi Henry,_ **

**_Halfway through this freaking program! :D_ **

**_I am currently sitting in Doc's office, curled up on the big red comfy couch, preparing for another call with my kids. It's been 25 days since I've spoken to Britt and I don't expect that to change._ **

**_I'm at the point that managing my expectations just means, not hoping for things and I don't mean that in a sad, woe is me kind of way...I mean it in a realistic way. I just try not to expect anything at all._ **

**_When I chose rehab over going back to the status quo and encouraged B to explore, I meant it but I think now in hindsight, that was my guilt talking. The stuff with Q was fresh and I just wanted her to have an escape hatch but now, I see that was stupid of me. She needed the grounding of our marriage to stay on routine and in our kids lives but Sandra taking them gave her an out._ **

**_So now every week, as you know it's been someone new on the call holding my kids, making sure they hear my voice and see my face._ **

**_Sandra._ **

**_Mari._ **

**_Quinn._ **

**_Today, I have no idea who it could be and I think I'm finally okay with that. After my call, which gets to be an hour today, I'll get a new schedule and routine from Doc. I'm also hoping to get a new chore, my hands are rough and I need a mani/pedi badly. As much as scrubbing grimy floors has helped me get comfortable with solitude and silence, it's also been hard on my body. My boobs are like weights with the daily flow of milk making them heavier and hurting my back._ **

**_I've pointed this out to Doc and I'm hoping (now that she's expecting), she'll have mercy on me. Fingers crossed._ **

**_Talk to you soon,_ **

**_S_ **

* * *

When I got to Doc's office, I was surprised to see Britt's face already on the screen as she talked to my therapist while they waited for me. Since that call with Sandra, back on day 31, Doc has sat in on every call...just off to the side making sure that I don't lose my shit again and it hasn't really been needed but when it came to me and B, anything was possible.

One thing was for sure though, I was definitely not the same person I was when I got here or who I was 30 days before.

The medicine had helped me get a hold on my erratic emotions but there were still times that calls ended with me in tears. Knowing that this was only the second time that I was talking to my wife, she was definitely on high alert.

Seeing her talk to B, face to face, made my stomach churn but I didn't get in my head about it.

 _"Hey, doc."_ I said and she smiled at me.

_"Hi Santana, look who it is."_

_"I see."_

_"I was just telling Brittany that starting today, you get a whole hour to call and she is very excited."_

_"Good."_ I stepped into frame and sat down, Britt's eyes lit up when she saw me and then she turned to the side. I could see that she was on the floor in the playroom at my sister's house. Which meant the kids were still there a whole month after going to stay with my sister.

And then I was thinking of the state of my house, now that Quinn was in Lima for the summer but then I let it go because there was absolutely nothing I could do. I still had 60 more days to go. This was only the halfway point, so much could happen between now and then.

 _"Iz...come."_ She called and it sounded weird...shortening Isaac to Izzy was one thing but to do it again to Iz...well that was just annoying but I let it go.

Pick your battles, Lopez.

My son toddled into frame and planted himself on Britt's lap with a red lollipop shoved in his mouth.

 _"Hi Papa."_ I said and his eyes snapped to me. He clapped his hands and laughed.

 _"Mami! Mami!"_ He said, _"Home?"_ He said to me, his cheek bulging with the lollipop and I shook my head, not wanting to correct Britt on her parenting just because I had been sitting through these courses. I didn't want to be condescending. She had always hated that and would shut down on anyone who made her feel stupid, that wasn't even an expectation, it was a fact. I was picking my battles heavy, right now. I just needed to take things as they came.

_"Not yet. Soon, Papa."_

_"Soon?"_ He asked and I nodded.

 _"Yay!"_ He clapped his hands again and then leaned back against B and stared at me, his eyes shining. All I wanted was to snuggle him and make him feel secure. Was anyone doing that enough?

 _"I hope you're happy to see me on the call, I rearranged my schedule to be here for it."_ B said, sounding just slightly formal. I tried to brush the feeling away and smiled at her.

 _"I missed you."_ I admitted.

She looked surprised but then grinned.

_"I missed you too, Ana. You look good."_

_"So do you."_

_"So, updates for you. This little guy had a doctor's appointment this week. His lungs are improving and he is on a daily maintenance medicine to help with the asthma. He can count to ten. Show Mami how you count, buddy."_

She took the lollipop from him and popped it into her mouth and helped him hold up his hands.

 _"One, tew, tee, four, fie, si, se-in, eyg, nine, ten!"_ He squealed. We'd have to work on his annunciation but he did do it.

_"Good job, Papa."_

_"I play?"_ He said to her and she kissed his face and helped him on his feet.

 _"Go play."_ She did not give him the lollipop back, thankfully. _"I'm going to grab Dani, Sandra is in here with the boys, so we can come back in a little okay?"_

_"Okay, thanks, B."_

* * *

Once I had seen both of the kids and said a brief hello to my sister, Britt took me out to the car with her.

_"I need to head to the city now, you have a half hour left, can we still talk?" She asked._

Dr. Clover nodded.

 _"Yes."_ I replied.

_"Good. So, remember when you said I should explore."_

I sighed and nodded, already settling within myself and through talks with Dr. Clover, that I just had to accept this version of reality.

_"Yes."_

_"I want to always be honest with you, Ana. I've been seeing someone. A guy."_

_"Oh yeah?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Have you, you know?"_

_"Had sex? Not yet but we might. I wanted you to know first. What rules are there, you know? We are still married."_

_"Wow...um...I wasn't r-ready for this talk."_

_"Sorry."_ She said as she looked at the road, her bottom lip between her teeth.

_"Keep it away from the k-kids and out of the h-house."_

Her face went red and I knew, she'd already done both of those things.

_"Okay, I won't do that again."_

_"I also would say th-that you end it b-before I get home."_

She nodded.

_"Okay, yeah, I told him that."_

_"Good."_

_"Do you want to know when we do have sex?"_

_"Not really. J-Just be safe. D-Don't bring anything home."_

_"Okay. How about you, any love connections in there?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Really?"_

_"Really. Not w-worried about that stuff. I j-just want to be clean."_

_"That's good to hear."_

_"When are you b-bringing the kids home, B?"_ I asked her, not really able to let that fact go anymore.

_"I don't know. I wasn't going to, Izzy hasn't been sick since he's been at Sandra's, there's something about the house that isn't good for him. Plus, it's Sandra that picks up your milk and so it makes sense that she keep Dani instead of your milk going all over the world."_

_"They need us, B. I c-can't be there. Are you th-there enough?"_

She got quiet and then let out a sigh.

_"Probably not, I'll do better, okay?"_

_"Promise?"_

_"I promise."_

* * *

After my call with B, Dr. Clover tried sitting me down and getting me to unravel what I was thinking about Britt's revelation but I was able to look her straight in the eyes and tell her that I didn't care.

Not as much as I cared about Isaac's teeth and the fact that our kids had barely seen either of us in a really long time.

It just didn't feel right and with their godmother far away, I was certain that the influence of my family was stronger than I would have liked. My sister was a saint for taking on two extra kids when she had three boys to take care of but I knew that she had nannies and hired help. That wasn't how I wanted our kids to grow up.

So that's what I talked about.

And when she asked if I wanted to go to the music room, I asked if I could go to chapel instead.

With my new chore being maintaining the chapel, I had become obsessed with making sure the candles were stocked, the floors, were swept and the incense was burning. I had been leaning heavier on my faith and had even gotten Father Carter in here a few times to give counsel.

Without needing to be told, I was already making plans for the after for me and for the kids. I wasn't counting Britt out but I also wasn't tethering myself in her anymore. My kids and my sobriety were my top focus.

Knowing Britt was out there exploring, gave me to freedom to explore to...my method just wasn't the same as hers.

I was exploring who I was outside of us...but for real this time.

In just few weeks, I'll be 20 and in my mind that comes with putting away childish things.

And for me that meant the games that I played with Brittany.

It was with this resolve that I had left the meeting and was diligently cleaning the chapel.

Until I couldn't anymore.

I sat there frozen, staring at the dais.

Who had been in here?

This was the only place with cameras and I knew that God was testing me.

On my watch monitor there was a panic button...for the first time, I was tempted to push it but I wasn't sure who that signaled.

God forbid it was Craig, he seemed to have formed a bitterness against me and was always ready to hand me demerits for something that I hadn't done.

He'd find a way to pin this on me.

I rubbed my palms together as I tried to think of my next move.

There were lines there...imperfect, created by someone in a rush.

I'd been sober for 61 days...if I touched those drugs, I'd go to jail for a year.

Which would mean more time away from my kids.

So even if it was Craig, I couldn't risk being in that room alone for much longer.

I pressed on the panic button and then moved to the front pew, pulling my rosary out and counting the beads.

Hoping to God that someone got here before I finished counting.

The doors swung open and in came rushed footsteps.

My eyes had been closed and then I felt a cool hand on my shoulder.

 _"Santana, what's wrong?"_ Doc.

 _"What's the emergency?"_ That voice was Officer Coleman's as she knelt in front of me.

I opened my eyes and realized I was crying.

My throat was tight and dry, so I just pointed to the dais.

Officer Coleman went over and then froze.

She looked back at me.

_"Did you touch this?"_

_"No."_ I shook my head and then rubbed my palms. _"I p-panicked."_

 _"You did the right thing, Santana."_ Officer Coleman tried to assure me but I was feeling like shit _. "Jenn, take her out of here. She'll need to follow protocol, take her to my office, you know where the cups are. Wait there for me."_

* * *

I moved blindly through peeing in the cup and then sitting there trying to pay attention to Doc but my brain was taking me down.

 _"Santana, I know this is hard but I need you to get your act together before Craig or anyone else comes in here. You're presenting as if you slipped. I don't want to send you to triage. Please?"_ She sounded worried and her voice shook.

She pushed my journal into my hands and I looked down, there open to my most recent page was the pictures of my kids. I smiled and thought only of them. I thought of Isaac's counting and Daniela's dimples.

And I thought of those bright blue eyes that glittered every time she was excited...even in that moment, I thought of B.

I took deep breaths and was able to level myself out by the time that Officer Coleman arrived with CiCi and Craig behind her.

They all lingered while I used a pen from Officer Coleman's desk and scribbled down my thoughts.

Writing to Henry kept my mind from going all over the place.

And when he test came back negative, everyone seemed to relax even more.

 _"CiCi, take Santana to the cafeteria, I'll be sending everyone there shortly. We need to do room sweeps and center wide drug testing, patients and staff. The center is lockdown until further notice."_ Officer Coleman said and then I stood up, looking at Doc.

 _"Thank you."_ I said to her and she nodded her head. Her desperate plea had kept me from going over the edge.

And being clear headed as I walked with CiCi to the cafeteria, the announcement for everyone to report there immediately, ringing out, I felt like I had come out of a rigged battle, as the victor.

It felt like I had moved a mountain in my own mind.

Then the lyrics began to come to me.

I tucked into a booth along the far wall, with CiCi and began to write feverishly, shutting out the world as I let the words spill from me.

For my entire life I'd wanted to be a lawyer because it was practical and secure. Now though, with endless money at my disposal, I was thinking of songwriting more seriously.

And I had Dr. Clover and rehab to thank for it.

* * *

We all sat there, eating dinner early while they called 10 names at a time at random over the loudspeaker. Another cop that I hadn't seen before was guarding the exit so that only those ten people left.

The names called were a mix of staff and patients.

Ten would leave but ten wouldn't always come back.

Sometimes six, sometimes nine, and at one point only two.

People would crowd around those who had returned but they weren't talking.

When they called CiCi, I felt panicked because she had been sitting at my side since we got here and I was afraid that she wouldn't return. For a whole thirty minutes I sat staring at the doors, waiting.

I don't think I took a breath until she came back with tears in her eyes, moved through the cafeteria and sat with me.

She'd been very vocal about not being touched since the moment I had met her but when she sat down, she reached for my hand and didn't let it go.

 _"What is it?"_ I asked her but she just shook her head and stared forward, not letting me go for a second.

This went on for hours, until after the chapel bells chimed and the lights out buzzer signaled.

And then somewhere before midnight we were told we could return to our rooms.

When we walked in, everything was everywhere so we spent time cleaning up and then finally, as we got ready for bed, she spoke.

 _"It was Craig."_ She said and I froze, clutching my journal in my hand. I looked over at her and she was sitting on her bed, looking pissed off. _"I'm not supposed to tell you. They tested our hands and clothes, they went through our lockers. He had residue on his hands. "_

_"Why?"_

_"He was trying to set you up, I was in the room when he broke down and admitted it. Something about a Mr. Evans, you needing to go down for your crimes. It was just a litany of bullshit and hate. Some of it was definitely racist and sexist. They arrested him."_

_"That asshole."_

_"Officer Coleman was in shock, she kept saying things like Santana is sweet as sugar, why would you want to hurt a sweet thing like that."_

And then the words came back to me...Officer Coleman telling me that she was my person in here and Sugar telling me that I had someone on the inside watching out for me.

Was it Office Coleman?

I smiled to myself and shook my head.

 _"What's done in the dark."_ I muttered and CiCi nodded.

_"Definitely. A few people tested positive for drugs and they were immediately carted out of here. A few of them were roommates, monitors and patients. It's going to definitely be different around here tomorrow. Dr. Clover told me to stick to your side all day."_

_"I'd like that."_

_"Good, not like you have a choice but good to know you won't be crabby about it."_

I stuck my tongue out at her and she actually came over and opened her arms.

_"What is h-happening?"_

_"You know I'm not touchy feely but I think we could both use a hug."_

We stood there for only a few moments, soaking in the comfort.

I sighed and pulled away. _"Thanks, CiCi."_

_"Thank you, for being honest tonight and not taking the bait. You make me proud to be your future sponsor."_

I gave her a wink and then curled up in bed, falling asleep faster than I had in an eternity.

Feeling like everything would be okay but the mind can be fucking trickster.

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 70**

* * *

I'd been walking around in a daze for over a week, I was really just going through the motions. My facade in place. I did everything that I needed to do for people to not be worrying about me.

And I thought I was doing a good job.

I swear it but then I passed out in the middle of the chapel while sweeping.

The one thing that had taken a nosedive in the days since the Craig incident, was my ability to keep food down.

My bulimia was back with a vengeance and I couldn't make it stop, my gag reflex wasn't even a problem anymore. I'd eat, then go off to the bathroom and quietly vomit while flushing the toilet.

I didn't think it was noticeable until I woke up with CiCi looking at me nervously, as I laid on the floor.

 _"Oh praise God."_ She said, reminding me of Mercedes. It made me smile.

 _"What?"_ I asked her. _"H-Help me up?"_ I asked her.

_"I was told to leave you there until they come."_

_"Who?"_

She was pale.

_"Triage."_

_"No. CiCi...please?"_ I said holding a shaky hand up to her.

_"You're spiraling, Santana, I'm sorry. This is for your own good."_

I covered my face as I laid there, with people gawking at me.

They were wondering if I was high or losing my mind but I was just sick.

I always had been.

* * *

This time, triage was a little different, I wasn't in a padded room this time, just a hospital room.

 _"Am I going to have to strap you down or are you going to accept this banana bag?"_ The doctor asked.

I stuck out my arm and looked away from him.

 _"Please."_ I whispered. _"C-Can I go after this?"_ I said, looking his way again.

_"No, you'll have to stay until we get you back to a healthy rhythm."_

_"CiCi?"_ I whimpered, the tears wanting to come but not dropping even a little.

_"You are probably the first person who has requested their monitor."_

_"I don't w-want to lose t-time again."_ I explained.

He looked unsure and then looked over my file.

I was over halfway through the program and the Craig incident was definitely in there. This set back wasn't my fault, I'd been trying.

_"Unfortunately, I'm not in the place to make program decisions. The only person that can make changes to your program is Dr. Clover and she is out sick today, so you're going to have to at least spend the night in here. I will have her come see you when she returns."_

_"Th-Thank you."_

_"I can however, see if Cecilia is willing to spend the time with you here and help keep you on track."_

I nodded as my exhaustion started to take me under.

Sleep had been something I'd been avoiding, which is part of the reason that I passed out. I'd been wired for days, too freaked out by my dreams of Craig hovering over me with Mr. Evans by his side. It felt so real and then the food all tasted like bacon...like going down on Mr. Evans, it made me too sick to eat.

And then it got easier to throw up, so I'd force it down knowing that I'd be rid of it soon.

Eating disorders weren't a light switch...it was more of a dial...you could turn it up and turn it down but you could never really turn it off...just like addiction.

My body had fallen out of sync, this electrolyte and nutrient infusion wasn't a new thing. I'd been getting them every once in a while since I was 11, it was just this unspoken thing in my family. Papi would bring home the bags and I would stick them in.

Thinking back on it now, I couldn't imagine doing that with my kids.

I'd been conditioned in so many screwed up ways and it was taking serious time to change them.

But I had to be willing and I was.

* * *

Dr. Clover was away for three days which meant that I was in triage until she came sweeping into the ward, her face slimmer and her eyes sharper. Gone was the giggly therapist I had come to know.

 _"Are you ok?"_ I asked her when she came in with her trusty tablet and CiCi on her heels.

_"This isn't about me, Santana. I was gone for three days. What happened?"_

I told her about my nightmares and then I told her about my history with Mr. Evans and how I unfortunately connected him to food. She looked a little squeamish after that but she checked my vitals.

Then she murmured something to CiCi, who left after.

She came closer after that.

 _"Tell me."_ I said to her.

_"My mother passed, we weren't close but I was her only child. I needed to handle her arrangements."_

_"That's tough."_ I said.

 _"You're not going to say sorry?"_ I looked at her and rolled her eyes.

 _"Manage your expect-tations."_ I said, _"I lost my dad, the sorrys do nothing. I know b-better."_

_"Touche."_

The doctor came in with his tablet and a smile.

_"Hi, Jenn. It's good to see you."_

_"Thanks, Mark. Can you do a final vital check on Mrs. Lopez, I'll be taking her back to gen pop."_

_"No problem."_

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 84**

* * *

**_Day 84_ **

**_June 21, 2013_ **

**_Hi Henry,_ **

**_Today I'm 20, it feels good to bring it in sober. Mami has promised that we can celebrate my birthday big time when I get home but really, all I want is to be with my kids again._ **

**_My focus is narrowing. I'm preparing myself for a different reality than the one that I left._ **

**_In six more days, I start the last thirty days of rehab. Doc warns that it might be harder than the first thirty but I just can't imagine how. After this next phase I will get to go home._ **

**_That's my only expectation and I won't do anything to jeopardize that._ **

**_-S_ **

* * *

It was just after dawn when I finished my journal entry. My head was clear and my body was clean, for the first time in my recent memory all I wanted to do was run.

Instead, I left CiCi a note and changed into a clean uniform. I grabbed Ian's rosary and my journal before making my way down the semi-lit hallway.

Deidre at the reception desk smiled at me and waved me over.

_"Good morning, sunshine, you're up early."_

_"I know, w-wanted to get some Jesus time alone."_

_"Well don't let me stop you, just wanted to give you this."_ She handed me a sticker that said Birthday Girl on it. _"Happy Birthday._

I teared up.

_"Thanks."_

I kept moving down the hall and stuck the sticker onto my top. Today I was 20 and I was going to soak it up for what it was.

A fresh start.

The smell of stale incense and paper enveloped my senses as I stepped into the chapel.

A chill went through me and I felt the tears in my eyes, dripping down my cheeks. I dipped my fingers in the holy water and then crossed myself.

Taking a moment to thank God for another turn around the sun. Not everyone was so lucky.

Ian.

Abuela.

Court.

Nico.

Marco.

Brenda.

Ethan Jr.

Brendan.

I felt so grateful to be there at that moment because life was so temporary and it could be gone in a moment's notice.

At any age. I could have died so many times at that point but God saw fit to keep me here for some greater purpose that I hadn't quite figured out.

But I was grateful to be sober and in my right mind.

Once I got to my favorite pew up in the front, I dropped to my knees and pulled out Ian's rosary. I began reciting the Holy Wounds prayer and then a few Hail Mary's. I rounded them out with an Our Father and then once I got all that Catholic rigidity out of me, I went rogue.

 _"Father, Mother, God, thank you, thank you, thank you. I can't say it enough. Thank you."_ I sighed out as the tears leaked down my face.

There was a presence next to me and just from that familiar smell, I knew I was dreaming...there was just no way.

I had six days for visitors and it was barely morning, but when I turned my face there was Britt, smiling at me softly. Her hair short like mine and her eyes red rimmed.

_"Hi baby."_

_"How are you here?"_

_"I got special permission from the judge. After everything that's been going on here with Craig and then you getting sick, Dr. Clover and your mom helped me convince the judge that you could use some time with me."_

_"But...we...that guy."_ I said, feeling stuck on stupid.

_"Today is about you. No matter what is going on with whoever, you are my wife and I am here to be with you. To spend the day with you, to connect."_

She pulled me into her arms and I wept against her shoulder. Britt kept kissing my hair and my face, not saying anything more.

It was nearly the best gift I could ask for...the best being my kids.

 _"The kids?"_ I asked.

_"Couldn't come. She only approved me, something about overwhelming you."_

I nodded as I pulled away.

_"Thanks, B."_

* * *

Britt was allowed to visit but she was supposed to help me with my chores, so instead she sat there watching me as I relit the incense and swept the chapel. Then she smiled when I began to lovingly wipe the piano keys.

 _"Have you been playing?"_ She asked from just behind me. I startled and hit a key loudly.

_"Yes."_

_"Good."_

She kissed my shoulder and then looked at her watch.

_"Time is it?"_

_"8. Your stutter is nearly gone."_

_"I have speech therapy f-four times a week."_

_"That's amazing. So what's next?"_

_"You're really doing my day w-with me?"_

_"Yup...part of the sell is that I get to have therapy with you."_

_"Oh boy."_ I muttered.

_"What?"_

_"She's going to make me talk about our a-arrangement."_

_"Arrangement?"_

We were holding hands now as I led her from the chapel towards the cafeteria.

_"You exploring while I'm here."_

_"Oh."_ She said and then she changed the subject and I let her. _"That's a cool sticker."_

_"Thanks."_

Our avoidance of the topic, brought me back to old school Brittana, we used to dance around the issue of us so much that it became a habit even after we got together. I understood it in that moment though, it was early morning and it was my birthday.

She wasn't going to stoke my flames.

Smart of her.

* * *

 _"Did you eat already?"_ I asked her and she nodded.

_"Bagel and coffee."_

_"From the cart?"_ I asked.

_"Yup and your old friend must have found a new corner, he's gone."_

_"Good."_ I said leading her to my usual booth where CiCi was already sitting, drinking coffee and reading through her notes. _"Sit here with CiCi, I'll be r-right back."_

 _"Hi."_ CiCi said, "Nice to meet you in person." She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. _"Stay on plan, Santana."_

 _"I know."_ I rolled my eyes.

_"And Happy Birthday."_

_"Thanks."_

I headed to the cafeteria line and swiped my bracelet. Now that I had gone through triage with a relapse, my meal plan was already picked for me. I had lost the right to choose. Which was fine, one less thing to worry about.

My eyes were on the strips of bacon on my plate, it had to be a mistake. I was feeling close to a panic attack when I got back to the booth. I sat next to B and she saw my face.

 _"Did they mean to give her bacon?"_ She asked CiCi. _"She hasn't eaten that in years."_

Cici looked up at me and then my plate.

 _"That's specifically NOT in your plan, I'll be right back."_ She picked up my tray and stormed back to the counter, it was the first time I had seen CiCi get worked up. She was actually having words with the person back there.

 _"Is she always so ready to fight for you?"_ B asked.

_"No. This is new. She's sh-showing off."_

_"Maybe she just wants you have to a perfect day...or close to one."_

_"Maybe."_

Britt took my hand in hers and brought it to her lips. _"I missed you."_

 _"I missed you too."_ I leaned my head on her shoulder while CiCi brought the tray back with turkey sausage and a scone that hadn't been there before.

_"There you go, he's new back there...got you a free scone."_

_"Thanks, Ci."_

_"No biggie, tone down the PDA, wouldn't want to spark any jealousy around here."_

I sat up but did not let Britt's hand go and I wouldn't. I needed this bit of grounding and CiCi was just going to have to deal.

* * *

We finished up group and then had lunch back in my room.

CiCi was letting us have alone time and the moment we were alone, Britt gripped my cheeks and kissed me hard.

She ground her knee against me and I moaned into her mouth.

Having a roommate kept me from rubbing it out on the daily, my showers were even monitored so this was the first time I was getting any action since I left home.

 _"I love you."_ She said, her forehead resting against mine. _"I'm so happy I could be here."_

_"Me too."_

She pulled me towards the couch and we ate together, our pinkies liked. After we ate, we just stared into each others eyes as we held hands.

_"You look amazing, Ana. I don't think I have ever seen you look so healthy."_

_"Fat."_ I joked.

 _"Don't do that...no deflecting. You look beautiful."_ Britt scolded.

_"Okay, okay."_

_"Can I tell you something?"_ She suddenly looked nervous.

_"Yes. Anything, B."_

_"I'm kinda glad that I had to leave the kids at home...I'm happy to get you all to myself for the day. I missed us_. Things are so different without you."

"Just a little longer." I said and then I leaned closer and kissed her.

She took over the kiss and laid me back on the couch, her body hovering over mine as she pressed her knee more firmly between my thighs.

"I want you so bad."

"Me too...but we can't." I said giving her a soft smile.

_"Why not, we're alone?"_

I shook my bracelet at her.

 _"If my heart r-rate gets too high, they'll know...also...that."_ I pointed behind her towards the ceiling above my bed. She turned around and saw the camera.

She looked back at me and raised her eyebrows.

 _"It's not like we haven't had a sex on tape before?"_ She teased.

 _"No thanks."_ I said and then kissed her lips again. _"This has to be en-enough for now."_

She kissed me hard and then pulled us back into a sitting position.

_"How about I play you some videos then?"_

_"It's not porn is it?"_

_She faked being shocked._

_"No."_

She let me curl up against her and then she played videos of the kids.

We sat like that for a long time until a buzzer went off on my wrist.

_"What's that?"_

_"Dr. Clover. T-Time for my one-on-one."_

_"Oh wow. That's the first time it buzzed though."_

_"Because she's paging me. Probably th-thinks we're doing it."_

Britt blushed and I winked.

 _"So I guess this is it, I have to leave soon...this day went way too fast."_ She pouted.

_"I know."_

_"Time does fly by when you're having fun, I guess."_

_"Come on, B. Let's go get in-interrogated."_

She kissed me again before we left the room, pinkies linked.

Is it weird that this was my favorite birthday?

Just us, existing...no pressure or tension.

Everything felt just right.

* * *

The center had been really trying to make the Craig incident up to me or maybe it was doc. Whoever it was, in the last few weeks a couch and recliner had shown up in the music room.

Our sessions were now just in that room, without question.

When I showed up there with Britt's finger entwined in mine, Dr. Clover was already there with her tablet and a cupcake.

_"Happy Birthday, Santana. I had mine already, I'm pregnant and you took too long."_

_"Thank you."_ I took it and wiped at my tears.

 _"You have gotten sappy, my girl."_ She said to me.

_"I know."_

_"Brittany, it's good to see you in person."_

_"Same."_

_"So, the way this works is that I give Santana music homework and she writes a song...then she plays at the beginning of our session and we talk about it. This week, her topic is finding her happy in the midst of a storm."_

_"Nice."_ B said as she sat on the couch. I took a big bite of my cupcake and groaned, it was red velvet, my favorite. I handed the other half to B.

_"Finish that for me."_

I expected one of them to comment on my inability to eat a whole cupcake by myself but B just happily bit into the cupcake while doc gestured towards the piano.

_"Get to it. Brittany turns back into a pumpkin after this session."_

Britt grinned, getting the reference, of course.

I dropped a kiss on Britt's lips and wiped away the crumbs from the cupcake before heading to the piano.

My journal sat on the stand as I shook out my nerves. I could count on one hand, the amount of times I had ever played for Britt and it made me nervous. What if she was like Mami and hated the song.

Manage your expectations, Lopez. I reminded myself before turning back to the song that I had finally finished.

I played the melody and Dr. Clover clapped.

_"I was hoping you'd play this one."_

_"Shh."_ Britt said to her and doc zipped her lips and tossed the imaginary key over her shoulder.

And it hit me then, why I loved my therapist...she was so much like all the best parts of B.

I took a deep breath and just let my fingers fly and my voice lift.

* * *

Britt obviously was in awe of the song that I had written for her because when I stopped playing, she was crying really hard.

I left my journal behind and went back towards the couch.

Dr. Clover sat idly by while I knelt in front of B and pulled her hands away.

 _"You okay?"_ I asked.

_"Yeah. I'm good."_

When I looked in her eyes, I could see the guilt.

_"B?"_

_"I...just...you love me so much."_ She said, taking a deep breath.

 _"Of course I do."_ I wiped her tears away and kissed her lips.

The return kiss was quick and even that felt off.

 _"I just don't deserve you."_ She whispered.

_"This again?"_

_"Just forget it...don't let me ruin your session."_ She said, taking a deep breath. _"Sit with me."_

I was so confused as I sat with B, this was not the reaction that I was hoping for.

 _"Brittany you're leaving in a half hour and as much as you want to move on, we both know that Santana isn't going to rest until she knows what's going on._ _"_ Dr. Clover said.

Britt bit her lip and they shared a look. I looked between them and had the sudden inkling that I was the only one in the room that was clueless about her mini breakdown.

 _"Was the song bad?"_ I asked.

_"No, baby. It was beautiful...perfect. You're doing so well. I'm so proud of you."_

She was definitely guilty.

Was this about the guy?

That was just a fling...but had it become more?

My head was quickly filling up with scenarios but I tamped down on them and just tried to breathe.

_"Thanks."_

_"I'm serious, the kids are going to get the real you all the time, it's amazing."_

_"It's been hard, but I'm really making pr-progress and I really can see beyond my addiction and my issues."_

_"That's great."_

_"I can't wait to come home and show you...Ho-Hopefully, I still have you to come back to."_ I said, the words coming out without my meaning them to. **  
**

We'd agreed that whatever it was would end when I got home but now I was hinting at something else because I could still read B...even when I didn't want to.

Britt looked at me in shock and went pale.

 _"Did someone tell you something? Did you talk to Q?"_ she said as she chewed her fingernail.

* * *

 _"No one t-told me anything. Did it b-become more?"_ I reached for her hand but she shook her head and looked away.

She took a breath and then gripped her thighs.

_"I was using this time...decide if I really wanted our marriage."_

_"You slept with him?"_ I had pushed her to do this but it didn't stop my heart from feeling like it was shattering. I stared at the side of her face and tried to appear calmer than I felt but she just kept looking away which didn't help one bit. She shrugged her shoulders but then looked back at me.

 _"Yes but...he's just...a companion. A phase,_ _I'm still yours, Ana...I'm still your wife."_

 _"Are you falling for him?"_ I asked when I could finally swallow the tears that were threatening to come.

 _"I don't think so...I'm confused, because it's like I love you and I'm yours. We are really married this time, it's just that he's been there for me_ _while you can't be and I told him...he knows that the moment you get out of here that he has to step back."_

_"Why are you so upset then, B? Be h-honest, you're falling for h-him. Like Frankie."_

She dropped her head and nodded. _"I am."_ She whispered. _"It's your birthday and I didn't want to think about him...not today. Then you played that song and the guilt was so heavy. I could have not told you-"_

And I cut her off.

 _"I wish you hadn't. I wish you had lied at l-least today."_ I said as wrapped my arms around myself.

 _"Do you want me to end it? You told me to explore and that's what I'm doing. I'm with him because of you."_ I looked at her in disbelief...was she really saying that to me?

_"Wow."_

I looked over at Dr. Clover and could see that she knew about this.

Fuck them both.

I stood up and marched over the piano, snatching up my journal. I ripped the song out of my book and brought it back and handed it to B.

She looked down at my words and then back at me.

 _"What do you want me to do?"_ She asked me.

_"You do wh-what you need to do, B. I'm glad I know where I stand in all of this."_

_"He knows that it's temporary. I love you. That's why I'm here."_

I laughed in disbelief.

She was really trying to make this about her?

I felt like the world had turned on its axis and things were backwards.

 _"I was st-stupid to tell you to explore. I c-can't go th-through_ _this again, B. I was ho-hoping that we finally getting back to us."_

_"In order to do that...we would have to go back to the start."_

_"Again?"_

Dr. Clover was taking notes and I both wanted her to intervene and stay out of it.

She finally spoke.

_"Brittany, you and Santana are different people than those girls who fell in love. Life has changed for you both. Do you really think you could go back to the start again?"_

_"Well, no not now...not while she is in here and I'm out there."_

_"With him."_ I muttered.

_"Well...yea."_

_"Santana, breathe." Dr. Clover said as I began to pace, wiping angrily at my tears._

_I stopped and stared Brittany down._

_"I can't accept that. Let's just call this what it is." I said._

_"Are you...breaking up with me? Like for real after you pushed me to do this? Don't...do this. We are married...this can't be it...like for good, please?"_ She looked at me wide eyed and in shock.

 _"Wh-When I leave here...my court stuff is behind me. I'm taking the kids and I'm moving back to Lima."_ I said with an air of finality...as if it had been my plan all along.

 _"You can't do that."_ she said looking hurt and defeated.

_"I can and I will. Let's face it...you and I are tied to each other but we need this. You need to go off and live your life. You need to be free. I just need to focus on me and my kids for once. Go ahead and be with him. I give you my blessing."_

_"I don't want your blessing...I want you."_ Britt said with a little force behind her voice.

 _"Wh-When was the last time that you took your meds, B?"_ I asked as I looked in her eyes. I could see the fire there, the anger that filled her.

 _"Apparently, that's not your business anymore."_ she sniffed and rubbed at her eyes.

_"As long as you are around the kids...I need to know."_

_"Fine...I stopped taking them in April. When I started seeing Grady."_

_"That's his name...Grady?"_

_"Yea_ _. He dances...he's our leading man._ _I've been very quiet about it. I really didn't want anyone to know."_

_"B-Because you didn't want it to get back to me?"_

_"No but because I wanted to be respectful of our marriage and it's just temporary."_

_"Yea? I don't th-think so."_

Dr. Clover tried getting me to talk but I asked if I could just play.

So that's what I did, I ignored them both and played through my tears. I didn't want her to stay another second but she insisted on staying until the top of the hour.

Even though, I had just lost my wife, she tried her hardest to still fill the role as my best friend because even though we were done, it was still my birthday.

* * *

When time was up, Britt hugged me tight.

_"It's temporary and I'll never stop fighting for you."_

_"We sh-shouldn't have to fight."_ I whispered.

 _"Nothing worth fighting for is easy."_ She said.

_"You sound like Ari."_

_"She's wise and I know you're mad and hurt but I need you to know I love you."_

_"I love you too."_

_"He won't be around...it's temporary."_

_"Who are you tr-trying to convince, B?"_

_"What?"_

_"Look...tell yourself what you w-want...you just need to t-take your meds."_

_"I'll think about it."_

_"Please, B?"_

The alarm chimed.

 _"I gotta go. I love you."_ She said and kissed my lips and I just stood there, with Dr. Clover at my back while she left the room.

 _"Happy fucking b-birthday to me."_ I muttered.

_"Keep playing, Santana. Put the pain into words."_

I nodded and went back to playing, happy that Dr. Clover wasn't going to analyze this.

At least not today.


	2. Silver Lining (Jazmine Sullivan)

**Santana POV**

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 85**

* * *

When I left the music room the night before, Doc had asked for me to come see her after breakfast instead of going to group.

She told me that I needed to reset after that day with Britt, so we'd have a real session and review what was coming for me in the next 5 days with my open visitations on the horizon.

I was torn up over B and this Grady dude but I had been here with her before...more than once. Every time she goes off the meds, she starts to fall in love with everyone, more importantly, she starts to second guess us and I had reached a limit.

After months of fighting my own demons, spending time away from my babies and my family...after a coma, seizures, heart surgery and insurmountable losses...well fuck, I couldn't go back to a time where I rolled over and took whatever shit was handed to me.

Ending things with her, setting her free so she could go figure her shit out was my last resort even if it was necessary. She'd lost something big too and had been throwing herself into work to avoid sinking into a depression...and this dude filled a void, it explained why she wasn't seeing the kids as often. She was off her meds and distracted.

I knew what a loss as big as losing your sister could do to you...it threw you off your axis and made you do things that you wouldn't normally do.

Or even make you relapse...like I had.

So she could do this with him and I wasn't going to stress about it. I think I just had reached a point within that just told me that we would always belong to each other and that she'd find her way back to me, one way or another.

I wasn't chasing her and I was actually okay.

All of this was temporary.

The silver lining was that I had been through months of therapy and I had learned some serious processing skills.

I had to do what I had to do for me and my kids while she figured her shit out without my prodding.

So maybe I cried all through my night time routine and maybe I wrote a four page long journal entry about it but then, I dropped to my knees and I prayed.

And when I had no more words left, I pulled out those pictures of my babies and reminded myself of what I was fighting for.

Everything I was and everything that I did was for them.

So I prayed for us, for our future and for the presence of mind to do what was best for them always,

And that meant following through on a threat that I made to Britt earlier that day.

Going home to Lima with the kids for the rest of the summer made sense.

It felt right.

* * *

When I woke up the next morning on day 85, I took a hot shower and then took my time brushing my hair and teeth. All throughout, I sang to myself and was not paying any attention to CiCi.

So when I stepped out of the shower and she was sitting against the sink, her face in a smirk.

_"You okay?"_

_"I'm great."_

_"How long were you on your knees last night?"_

_"Wanky."_ I said and then let out a huge laugh that felt so damn good.

_"I did not expect this mood...you aren't about to like break down right? This isn't one of those mania things, is it?"_

_"No, Cecilia. I'm genuinely okay...hurry up in here, I'm hungry."_

She look stunned and I just grinned as I left the bathroom.

I pulled out Henry and read through all of my words from the night before and a memory hit me.

Leaving New York for Lima...I'd done it last year, back when I needed an escape from B.

For months I had been trying to get back to this self-assured version of myself and here it was.

I was back.

Hot fucking damn.

I was going to be okay.

_**Day 85** _

_**June 22, 2013** _

_**Dear Henry,** _

_**I'm going to be okay. God is great, today is a blessing.** _

_**All is good.** _

_**-S** _

* * *

Instead of journaling during breakfast while CiCi did her work, I actually got up for seconds after finishing my food..

 _"Where are you going?"_ CiCi asked, thrown off by my getting up before the buzzer.

 _"Hungry."_ I said, _"Want anything?"_

_"Uh...another apple juice, thanks."_

I nodded and walked with my tray back to the front.

The food attendant smiled at me, I swiped my wristlet and she actually hesitated.

_"You ate."_

_"I did."_

_"Have you left this room?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay, to keep you on plan,"_ Which just meant not allowing me to binge which was the opposite of the spectrum from the anorexia...bulimia looked healthy sometimes from the outside because you were eating...it was just the after that got dicey. So I got it and didn't let it bother me...this was for my own good and I appreciated it. _"You can only get half of a breakfast serving."_

_"That's fine. Just want f-fruit and juice."_

She nodded and then took my tray, she filled up my bowl with fruit salad and gave me a croissant.

_"What kind of juice?"_

_"CiCi asked for apple...can I get two of those?"_

She hesitated again but then glanced past me.

 _"It's okay, Vicki...that one is for me."_ She called out.

As I walked back towards the table, I noticed a few stares but I just lifted my chin and focused on the table.

I slid next to CiCi so my back was to the room and slid her the juice. A few tears escaping that I quickly wiped away.

_"You okay?"_

_"Just h-hormones...I'm ok."_

_"Thanks for this...are you sure that's it?"_

_"Didn't know how strict the plan was."_ I said, allowing myself a moment of self pity.

_"Dr. Clover made this plan for you so that you never ended up in triage again...that's what you want, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Then look at it like that...keep looking for the silver linings, Santana. Be the woman that I saw this morning, confident and self assured. You're going to beat this because that's just who you are. You're a fighter...don't let the bullshit get you down."_

I nodded and then ate my fruit as I paged through my journal again.

Then I smirked.

_"Did you just curse, Ci?"_

_"I'm not a nun, I just try to be a good example."_

_"Thanks, CiCi."_

* * *

By the time I got to Doc's office, I was back to my pre-breakfast self thanks to CiCi.

 _"Sup Doc."_ I said to her as I walked into her office.

She was sitting at her desk, her chin resting on her palm as she looked me over.

 _"Come sit with me."_ She said, gesturing to a chair in front of her desk instead of letting me sit on the big comfy couch like I normally did when I did come to her office.

 _"Uh oh, am I in trouble."_ I teased as I slid into my chair.

She sighed and then rubbed her forehead before sliding a piece of paper over to me.

It was a chart and I looked at her in confusion. _"What is this?"_

 _"Your trend lines. Every time you have a traumatic event, you spiral in some way. You are just five days away from being allowed visitation, which means in theory, you could have a person visit every day. My concern, if you look here,"_ She pointed to a red line. _"Each time you have had a visitor, your trend line plummets."_

_"So, wait...is this about getting more food?"_

She rolled her eyes.

_"Yes and no."_

_"Meaning?"_

_"On the surface, I got pinged when you tried to eat again. If it had been any other day, I would be patting you on back but because of last night, I just wanted to be sure that you aren't on the precipice of something larger."_

_"Page CiCi."_ I said.

_"Why?"_

_"Just...please?"_

She clicked around on her tablet and then sat back in her chair.

_"You don't look like you're spiraling, trust me, it would have been Officer Coleman in your face with a cup, making sure you didn't find some way to get high last night...but I didn't report last night. I wanted to see where your head was at this morning."_

_"I'm fine."_ I bit back, feeling a bit pissed off but trying to restrain my anger.

The door opened and in walked CiCi looking worried.

_"You paged?"_

_"Santana actually wanted me to page you, shut the door and come sit."_

Once CiCi was sitting there with me, I smiled at her. _"Can you tell her...about last night and this mo-morning?"_

_"Do I get to know what this is about?"_

_"Please, Cecilia."_ Dr. Clover asked.

_"Okay, like I told you last night, she was a mess for a little bit. I was on standby just in case but I gave her space like you asked me to. She eventually stopped crying, opened her journal, pulled out pictures of her kids and prayed. I stayed up for as long as I could but she outlasted me. I woke up a few times in the night and she was still there. I checked the tapes, she never left the room. This morning, I was expecting to wake up to her either praying, off in the chapel, or asleep. Instead, her bed was made...which...never happens unless I remind her. She was singing in the shower and joking with me. Then she rushed me through getting ready because she was hungry."_

_"Was she?"_ Doc looked at me and I nodded.

 _"I was."_ I chimed in.

_"What about at breakfast?"_

_"Normal...we ate together, she journaled, I studied and then she got up and told me she was still hungry. I asked for an apple juice and then they gave her grief about it...you were pinged about it...I let them know that I asked for the apple juice."_

_"Did she eat?"_

_"I am right here, doc."_ I sighed.

She held up her hand and continued to talk to CiCi. So I opened my journal and looked at my babies.

This was all for them.

_"The second helping...did she?"_

_"She ate most of it and then when she was satisfied she stopped."_

_"Did you come straight here?"_ Doc asked me and I was honest.

_"No. I stopped at the b-bathroom. I did not throw up."_

_"Okay."_ She nodded towards CiCi, _"You can go."_

_"Are you sure? I can stay. It's my job to shadow and support."_

_"Do you feel like you need that, Santana?"_

_"No but if YOU do, please make it happen. I am an addict, I do have an eating disorder...I can be fl-flaky. I just had a h-heartbreak...on my b-birthday. CiCi is my homegirl."_

Dr. Clover sighed and nodded.

_"Maybe just for the next few days...I just don't want to be the cause of you needing to rebel. Do you understand? It's a fine line."_

_"I don't want to go back to tr-triage. I am going to do anything I can to stay out of there. CiCi can stick to me."_

_"It's settled then, CiCi will shadow you for today at the very least."_

_"Can I sit on the couch now?"_

_"You may...CiCi, I will page you when we're done."_

_"You got it."_ CiCi gave me pat on the shoulder and then left. _  
_

* * *

_"Let's reset. I'm going to update my notes and I want you to write about how you felt this morning, being second guessed and questioned on your motives. Be candid."_

_"Okay."_

_"And Santana?"_

I tucked my feet under my thighs as I balanced my journal in my lap and looked at her with the best smile I could muster...even if I was still a little pissed off.

_"Yes?"_

_"I'm proud of you."_

_"Thanks."_ I muttered and then began to write but instead of an entry, it came out as lyrics.

I was bobbing my head to my mental beat machine and just writing my truth.

Then after a few minutes I sat back and read them back to myself, thinking of how the melody would go.

 _"Music?"_ She asked me.

_"Yes."_

_"Do you want to go to the music room?"_

I shook my head...right now that room still had the lingering presence of Brittany.

_"Not today."_

She looked surprised but I shrugged.

_"Need a real session today...35 d-days to go."_

_"Do you want to share what you wrote?"_

_"Soon. It's not r-ready yet."_

An alarm went off on her tablet and she nodded to herself, went to her medicine cabinet pulled out two pill bottles, grabbed a bottle of water and handed them to me.

_"Once you're done taking those, we can start."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

_"So tell me how you are really feeling today, Santana?"_

_"Well...it's still my birthday week. So I'm t-trying to stay upbeat."_

_"Happy Birthday again. You're twenty, correct?"_

_"Yes. Hard to believe right?"_

_"I've seen a lot in my fifteen years in this job and I have to say you are definitely on the list of things that shock me."_

_"Gee...thanks?"_

_"It takes a lot to shock me so you should take that as a compliment!"_

_"Thanks."_

_"So, I think you had your fill of Brittany talk for a bit. Yes?"_

_"God, yes."_

_"I've had a few requests for phone calls today and yesterday. Did you want to call with anyone?"_

_"No. Honestly, I'd like to spend t-today just reflecting on my life. I'm officially not a te-teenager anymore and in almost a month, I will be leaving here as an adult. I can't burden my ne-network."_ I said as I picked with the gunk under my fingernail.

_"Burden? How so?"_

_"I just think that I have bu-burdened them enough...I'm just ready to take control of my life, my sober life."_

_"How do you plan to do that? How serious are you about moving back to Ohio?"_

_"Going back to Lima plays a big part in my recovery. I'm just st-stagnant in New York. I came here to go to school and I'm not doing that. I'm just here."_

_"Is school off the table for you?"_

_"For right now, yes. I just want to go back to the start. I want to give my kids a more peaceful environment. Even if it's just for a little while. That's why I'm just going for the summer and then I will decide from there where I go."_

_"You've thought this through, I see since last night. Had that been the first time you'd admitted that desire to yourself. I could see the shock on your face as you said it."_

_"I didn't even know that's what I wanted but once I said it...I knew it was true."_

_"And what concerns do you have about repeating history?"_

_"Oh you mean how I took Isaac away for two weeks and B went nuts?"_

_"Yes a_ _nd that was just for two weeks_

_"She's not with them anyway and it's just for the summer, she c-can't be mad at that."_

_"I think that she has made it quite clear that she can get mad over far less than that. I just need you to be aware of the potential discord it could cause if you don't tread lightly with Brittany."_

_"I can't hinge my bets on her. Not now. She needs to see this thing out with...that guy."_

_"Will you keep the door of communication open, at least?"_

_"Yes and I won't be running around with Su-Sugar."_

_"Or Ariana?"_

_"She has to be here for the sh-show...so no."_

_"Are you ready to handle a potential divorce that is final with your sobriety being so fresh?"_

_"I have to try. I'm going to attend N.A. and stay clean. This is still new, so I'm going to be v-vocal with my village and Britt."_

_"Good plan."_

_"Also, I'm probably going to recruit my old cheer coach to get me in shape...mind and body. With her around I won't have a ch-choice but to handle things."_

_"Is she strict?"_

_"She makes you look like Elmo."_

She let out a huge bout of giggles.

_"That's...that's funny!"_

_"Sue is not someone you pl-play around with."_

_"That sounds promising."_

_"I hope so."_

_"Normally when patients leave here, they aren't going home to support or well off enough to start fresh. You have an advantage with your ability to move around easily. Addiction doesn't care about your money or privilege. Maintaining a relationship with your sponsor is paramount in your recovery. Have you thought about that?"_

_"No but I need to. CiCi has been so am-mazing to me...I'm not sure how to go back home but stay connected."_

_"Internet...schedule time with her each day. Before or after meetings or in the morning, whatever works for you. For the first year, she should be the one person you talk to every single day, as many times as you need."_

_"Okay."_

_"Have that conversation with her today. That's your homework."_

_"That's it?"_

_"Yes. I really just want you to stick to your plan, be transparent, and manage your expectations."_

_"As always."_

_"Yes."_

_"Okay."_

_"I'll see you this evening, in the music room. I look forward to hearing what you're working on...even if it's just getting to see you figure out your melody. I need to know that you're staying on track today."_

_"Thanks, Doc."_

_"Have a good day, Santana."_

* * *

**_Day 89_ **

**_June 29th, 2013_ **

**_Hey Henry,_ **

**_Tomorrow is the first day of my final phase and despite the fact that I will have more freedom in just one day, Doc has stressed to me that today is all about planning for what's next._ **

**_I woke up this morning to clean the chapel and found her in there, praying. I've had inklings that she's been going through something that she hasn't told me about and I understand why she hasn't told me, I'm her patient, that would be unprofessional but when you spend every day with someone for three months, you tend to get attached. How could I not?_ **

**_So, I ignored her at first but then I heard her voice break. When I knelt next to her, I placed my hand on hers and prayed with her. I didn't care right then if it was unprofessional, I just cared that she was hurting._ **

**_After praying with her for a few minutes, I got right back to work and when I went into the utility closet to get a broom, she left. I have therapy with her soon and I'm wondering if she'll recover._ **

**_This is me trying to manage my expectations because tomorrow is a big day for me._ **

**_I'm buzzing, I must be late._ **

**_Wish me luck._ **

**_-S_ **

* * *

When I got to Doc's office, she was sitting on the big red couch, her eyes bloodshot, looking a mess.

 _"You get to be me for a little bit. Sit there."_ She pointed to her usual chair and I didn't hesitate. I shut the door and sat in her usual seat.

 _"Tell me how you're feeling today."_ I said to her and she gave me a sad smile.

 _"I lost my mom this morning."_ She said, _"She'd always said that her and pop were going to be one of those couples that followed each other into death. It's been a month and now she's gone."_

 _"Fuck."_ I said, then leaned forward and pulled a few tissues, handing them to her. _"Why are you here today?"_

_"You got here late...did you know that?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"We only accept residents on a schedule. Everyone starts in the same week and ends in the same week. You got here in the middle of a month one of our patients died, that's how a spot opened at that time. The patient was mine, so you became mine in his place. You were my baby of the group on the day I found out I was pregnant. I took it as a sign, that I needed to look out for you extra...I'm here today because I had to see you to day 90."_

_"You're here for me?"_

_"I am and I'm glad to be. You are my only patient who has seen so much loss...I think I get it now, the rate at which you spiraled and you still fight. You still stopped what you were doing to comfort me this morning. This hurts more than anything and I never wanted to understand it this intimately."_

_"For that I am sorry, the pain ne-never goes away...you just get used to it. Like a mole...you didn't ask for it but now it's there."_

_"It sucks and now I'm taking valuable time from you."_

_"No. You don't get it do you, Doc. Even when I leave, y-you're stuck with me. We are tied...if you need anything, I'm here for you."_

_"Santana, you don't need to make me any promises."_

_"I know. You see, I'm super observant. What I kn-know is that, this wh-whole time you have been giving me preferential t-treatment. I'm your favorite, right down to the mystery of a wh-whole therapy set up in the music room."_

_"I don't have favorites."_

_"Oh so you do th-this with everyone?"_

_"No. Don't be absurd."_

_"We're friends. Admit it."_

_"Fine. At some point in the future when you are no longer my patient, there is a possibility that we could be homegirls."_

I cackled at that.

_"Awesome. I'd like that."_

She smiled at that, wiped her face and then stood up. _"Me too."_

_"Good."_

_"Okay. I'm ready."_

* * *

Watching Doc bounce back after that mini breakdown was Oscar worthy, she went to her little powder room, cleaned her face and came back with fresh lip gloss and a smile.

_"So, my best girl, tomorrow is a big day. Are you ready?"  
_

_"I don't know."_ I said, as I sat on the couch, my journal full to bursting and my mind churning.

_"What are you unsure of?"_

_"I can pl-plan next steps but with the way my life is so random...so tough, there's only so much planning I can do."_

_"So we take it one step at a time...one moment at a time. For instance, tomorrow is day 90, what do you want to do with your day?"_

_"Do you th-think I will h_ _ave visitors?"_

She nodded.

_"You will, if you want just not on day 90. I had a call from your sister on my voicemail yesterday morning. She wanted to know if it would be okay to bring your Sunday family dinner here."_

_"Wait, really?"_

_"Yes. I had to jump through hoops with the administration and Officer Coleman but they eventually agreed but with limits. CiCi must attend and you can only have three adults."_

_"Okay, that's fine."_

_"I never got the chance to call her back. I wanted you to be the one to make the call and firm up your plans with her...are you up for doing that now?"_

_"Okay."_

_"Will you be ready for that influx of people?"_

_"It depends on who the people are."_

_"That's understandable. Well, while I get your new schedule queued up, you should call your sister. I need my little tabby here...so use the laptop."_

_"Your kn-knack for naming things, is hilarious."_

_"Thanks, now if I could only just settle on a name for this little nugget...I'd be all set."_

_"You have time."_ I said as I pulled up Sandra's info on her laptop.

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 93**

* * *

For the last three days, I had been stepping out of the rehab and running along the lakeshore with CiCi. It felt good to get fresh air and to have enough freedom to walk outside when I had time in my schedule.

Dr. Clover had taken time off to go deal with her mom's arrangements so I was sitting through therapy exercises that she had left me with CiCi by my side. It was Sunday, which was always a more spread out day but the number one thing was always chapel from 6-9am.

It was the only time that every single person was in the same place at the same time and since it was staying my chore, I had to get up even earlier to light candles, incense and make sure that there was a bible at every seat.

Which meant that CiCi was also awake and cranky by the time we headed to breakfast at 10...since I also had to clean service.

 _"Can we stop at the room really quick?"_ I asked her and she grumbled and nodded.

_"How are you able to keep moving around like this?"_

_"I'm a mom, I don't sleep."_

_"Sure."_

We got back to the room and I pulled out my pump. I'd been aching all morning and with my period coming on, I was extra achy.

_"I thought you did that after breakfast?"_

_"Have a kid, you'll see that th-this isn't so easy to control."_

_"Right, sorry. I'm just grumpy."_

_"I noticed."_

_"Can we talk while I do this?"_

_"Sure."_

She sat across from me and crossed her legs, staring at me.

_"I'm going to Lima when I leave."_

_"Dr. C, mentioned that."_

_"You are my sponsor."_

_"I am."_

_"So how will we m-manage?"_

_"I'm taking my last few classes in August for my masters. Otherwise, I'll just be here helping to get a new group started. I think we need to schedule time to talk...but you will need to set that time with me."_

_"After your coffee."_ I said and she nodded and gave me a thumbs up.

_"Always...unless there's an emergency."_

_"Got it. I can just text you an emoji or something."_

_"Sure...are you um...excited to see your kids?"_

_"If they come, yes. It's been so long since I've been able to hug them. Video isn't enough."_

_"I can only imagine."_

_"It's tough, I don't want to be away from them ever."_

* * *

After breakfast, we went for our run along the lakeshore before heading back to the music room for my therapy homework. CiCi seemed much calmer as she studied while I played.

We sat like that for a long while until CiCi got paged.

 _"Stay here, I'll be right back."_ She said to me and then left me there.

It was the first time in days that she wasn't hovering and I stopped playing, instead I sat in silence and enjoyed being able to just be without being watched.

Right back...wasn't right back.

I had finished my moment of silence and began to play again, I was on my second run of my favorite rondo when the door opened.

When I turned my head, the air left me.

There standing with his hand clutching the bottom of Q's skirt was Isaac with his big blue eyes huge.

 _"Hey Papa."_ I said before getting off the bench and dropping to my knees, holding my arms wide. _"Come here."_

 _"Mami!"_ He screeched as he toddled over to me.

The whole world disappeared as I held my arms open for my little boy who was already 15 months old.

He began running and my heart started racing because I didn't want him to fall but he seemed pretty confident so I waited with a huge smile on my face.

The moment that I held Isaac to my chest, I squeezed him so tight.

 _"Hi, Papa."_ I whispered as I kissed his face.

 _"Besos, Mami."_ he smiled as he gave me his cheek.

I stood to my feet with him in my arms and spun him around while kissing his face a dozen more times.

 _"Wee!"_ he screamed.

I heard a baby laugh and I stopped in my tracks as I looked over Isaac's shoulder.

There stood my mother holding Daniela with CiCi smirking at her side.

Daniela was a whole six months old now, she had teeth and was alert. I had missed so much and it made me ache but I couldn't harp on what I had missed.

Mami had pulled her chestnut colored curls into two little ponytails on top of her head.

She was gorgeous.

I walked over to my mother and dropped a kiss on her face.

 _"Bendicion, Mami! Thank you so much for this."_ I said as I stepped back and looked at her.

 _"I had to see you. This time just to see you and not to stir up drama. I missed you, Nanita."_ she smiled and then nodded her head towards the door behind me.

I spun around and there were my Sandra looking very pregnant.

 _"Uh...when did that happen?"_ I asked her and she grinned.

 _"I'm not a nun."_ She said, kissing my face. I rubbed her little baby bump and grinned.

_"No, you certainly aren't."_

It felt good to look at my family, even if there were some missing, this was more than enough for me.

* * *

 _"So San, are you excited to be coming home soon?"_ I spoon fed Isaac ice cream and was wrapped up in his expressions of delight and how he cocked his eyebrow at me when I looked away from him for too long.

 _"Kind of."_ I said honestly as I looked at Quinn, who had thankfully gone back to blonde.

We were sitting in the now by the lake, just me and my network.

 _"What do you mean, Sis?"_ Sandra asked as he nudged my shoulder.

 _"I know that things will be different and it scares me a bit. I w-want to leave New York as soon as possible."_ I admitted.

 _"How can we help?"_ That was Mami but from what I could see, they were all eager to make this transition easier for me.

 _"Well...honestly...I don't...I don't want to go back to that house."_ I admitted, after getting little tidbits from Q and Sandra about Britt having people staying there.

 _"No problem. I'll pack your stuff for you and when we pick you up next month, we will just take you to Sandra's since you have to stay in the state for another week after you leave here."_ Mami said.

 _"Are you sure...is that okay, Sandra?"_ I asked. Isaac grunted and I looked back down at him and choked back a laugh when I saw his glare. _"Sorry, Papa."_ I said as I gave him the last spoon of ice cream.

_"The kids are already at my house anyway, it will just be easier on you and the kids...it will be a lot to move them back to the city only to put them on a plane and move to Lima."_

_"You're right...okay. Thanks then."_

I was exhausted by the time that everyone geared up to leave. I kissed my sister and my mother goodbye but was surprised that Quinn and the kids weren't moving.

 _"Your doctor said I could stay until the end of the day. Is that okay?"_ Q asked with a fussy Daniela in her arms.

_"No it's fine...I just, I'm surprised."_

* * *

We sat for a while, staring out at the water, CiCi was sitting in the grass rolling a ball back and forth with Isaac, looking like she was having the time of her life. I felt so peaceful, that Britt's non-presence didn't even ache. Quinn had been updating me on random stuff and then Daniela began to do that tired/hungry cry that hadn't changed and Quinn immediately handed her to me.

_"She's still drinking your breast milk...do you want to...you know?"_

I looked over at her in shock...but nodded hurriedly as I took my baby into my arms.

She looked up at me with wet eyes and I melted. Her eyes were so stormy and nearly black, like mine.

I unbuttoned my top and helped her to latch on.

That moment when I was able to feed her was honestly one of the top highlights of my day.

It was magic.

 _"Can I take him for a walk down by the water?"_ CiCi asked me, it was strange for her to be asking me for permission but it made sense.

It was quiet as I sat there with Quinn. I could tell that she had a lot on her mind as she zoned out, staring down at the water.

_"Talk to me, Q."_

_"I'm not sure what to say, actually."_

_"Are you and my sister back together?"_ I asked as I looked down at my baby. Her eyes were drifting closed but then she would open them back up and try and watch me every time I moved.

 _"No. We tried but we agreed that this was it for us. She's already moved on...and so have I."_ I looked over at her in shock.

_"You have?"_

_"Yea. I'm back with Rachel...she got out of rehab a few months back and she's back to being the determined pain in the ass she was back in high school. We are going strong and she is working on getting back into NYADA...in the meantime...she's working as a singing waitress in midtown but she's been back in Lima this last few weeks with me."_

_"You're kidding?"_ I smirked as I thought of how annoyed she must make her customers.

_"Yea...she loves it and they love her."_

_"Wow...well...congratulations."_

_"Yea...we are taking it slow, I've been back in Lima and we've been talking everyday. Things will be different of course when I'm back. I'll be living in my dorm at Columbia and she's living with this annoying little twat...Dionne."_

_"As in-"_ I looked at her in disbelief.

 _"B told you about Dionne?"_ This was the first time anyone had made mention of Brittany.

_"Yea."_

_"So you know about Grady then?"_

_"Why wouldn't I?"_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Why wouldn't I already know about it."_

_"How? I mean, they just happened."_

_"Actually...they have been dating for months. She told me when she visited for my birthday."_

_"Shit."_ Quinn muttered. _"That's so...wrong."_

_"Stop, Q. Just leave it. I broke up with her."_

_"You did? I thought...I thought it was mutual?"_

_"No...it was me. I decided we needed to end things while we were still friends."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yea...I'm over it. I just want to focus on the kids."_ I said as I shifted Daniela to my other boob.

_"Well, I'm glad. They need you. Especially with Britt being so distant from them."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"Sandra was telling me that Britt hasn't seen the kids since she came back from seeing you. She hasn't talked to anyone in the family. The only reason we know at all is because Grady told Ari. Britt hasn't spoken to me since the day you started rehab so, of course I was the last to know. We invited her today though instead Sandra or me...but she already had plans to go sailing with Grady."_

_"Oh...well good for her, I guess...she won't have that rough a time when I take the kids to Lima."_

_"Yea, I guess not."_

_"So what are you doing back in Lima?"_

_"I've been working out every morning and taking a gen ed course at the community college. Sandra gave me the keys to one of your apartments, I've been staying there and enjoying what it's like to have space of my own. Since Rachel is taking catch up courses at in Lima still, there isn't a lot of reason for me to stick around New York."_

_"I'm glad I could give you that. I guess we can do our spa day back at home then?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"When are you going back?"_

_"Noah and Beth are going back with me. He wants Beth to get to know his mom, so he got leave from work for a month. We are heading out tonight and are just going to drive all night until we get there."_

_"Wow!"_

_"Yea...cheaper than a plane ticket."_

_"Oh...well I guess you're right."_

_"I was wondering if I could take Izzy with me? He'd be great company for Beth."_

_"Um...I don't know...that's a long time...I mean I won't be there for another month."_

_"I know...it's crazy...never mind then."_

_"Have you talked to Sandra about it?"_

_"She said that it's up to you."_

_"Will you be okay with him for a whole month?"_

_"Of course...I'll be just fine! Besides this way...you will only have to worry about one baby on the plane."_

_"Okay...just...stay in contact with Sandra...please? And take care of him."_

_"I will. I'll protect him with my life."_

_"I know. I trust you, Q. Take plenty of pictures and...have fun for me."_

_"Say less."_ She pulled me into a hug and I rested my head against hers. _"I missed you."_

_"I missed you."_

* * *

**_Day 120_ **

**_July 27th, 2013_ **

**_This is it Henry!_ **

_**In just one hour, I'm being picked up by Sandra and driven straight to the courthouse to meet with the judge. She will look at my file and decide if my case can be signed off. Mami says that I will have another week of house arrest to deal with but that's nothing if I can do it at my sister's house in Westchester.** _

_**Doc came back from grieving her mom with the best attitude and a name for her little girl, Anabella. It makes me feel so honored to now have two kids out there named after me.** _ _**I must be doing something amazing for people to honor me like this.** _

**_I'm really excited to get on that plane to Lima in a week! As you know...I still haven't heard from Britt and even though I have stopped crying myself to sleep over her, it still hurts b_ ** **_ut I'm stronger than this. I'm going to use this opportunity to see what's out there for me._ **

**_I still have my family and that's what's really important._ **

**_Isaac is already waiting for me in Lima, Daniela is safely with Sandra and Johnny and Mami is on her way down the aisle in one month's time._ **

**_See...I have plenty of things to keep me distracted from Britt...the 600+ miles will definitely help as well._ **

**_The next time you see me...it will be as a free...well semi-free woman!_ **

**_See you in Westchester!_ **

**_Santana_ **

* * *

Dr. Clover was teary eyed after I changed back into the clothes I came in with. They'd been hanging off me before but now fit me just right. Officer Coleman, switched my ankle monitor to activate at 7pm so that I would have time to go to the courthouse and get to Westchester before the last bit of this house arrest could be completed.

She gave me a hug after that and wished me luck before I headed out to the front with CiCi and Dr. Clover.

My sister was standing there with Daniela in her arms with Johnny by her side. I cried when I walked through the entrance and away from the last nearly four months of my life.

Sitting in a car again, felt so crazy.

I was really on the other side of all the crazy and the tears kept coming.

It felt so good to sit there with my daughter’s hand wrapped my fingers.

 _"So how does it feel, Ana?"_ Johnny asked from the passenger seat. The baby had been fussing so I was feeding her a bottle despite my boobs hurting. I had just gotten back to her and I couldn't risk taking her out of her carseat while the car was moving.

_"Amazing. I actually missed the city."_

_"Have you heard from her?"_ Sandra asked cutting through the bullshit. I have to hand it to her though, she waited through the drive to the courthouse and the drive towards the highway until she broke.

_"No. Not a peep. Have you?"_

_"Yea...I did...a few days ago. She swore to me that she would check in on you. I can't believe that she lied to me."_

_"It's okay, Sandra. It's no pr-problem. Just let her do her thing. I don't want to interfere. I was always okay with being a single mom...she begged me to be their second parent. If she feels like she doesn't want that anymore...it's fine. They're not hers if she doesn't wa-want."_ I whispered as I ran my fingers through Daniela's curls.

 _"Bullshit."_ Sandra spat. _"She is their mother. You don't just decide one day that you don't want your kids. She hasn't seen Daniela...she was shocked when I told her that Izzy was in Lima. She didn't even seem to care."_

_"Can we...just not talk about her? I can make it on my own. I'm plenty capable. End of story."_

The conversation should have died right there but Sandra had other plans and Johnny was too fucking scared of her to step in.

She pulled the car over into a parking lot. At first I didn't realize where I was but then I recognized the warehouse.

_"You need to talk to her, Ana. That ankle bracelet doesn't activate for a few more hours. You can't go off to Lima without at least trying to talk to her."_

_"Are you serious, why? She moved on. I want to move on!"_

_"You have children, Santana. Biological or not...you need to hold her accountable."_

She had a point, I couldn't argue with that.

_"Fine...but you need to stay here...Johnny don't you dare let her come in that building...she is just going to make shit worse."_

* * *

I strapped the carrier onto my torso and then put Daniela into it. She was asleep so I put a light blanket over her. Sure, I could have left her in the car but I knew that if this went south, Britt wouldn't hurt me with the baby on my chest.

For a moment I hesitated, thinking it would best to not put the baby in the middle of this but I needed Britt to have that visual of me and our baby.

I had to play the only cards that I had.

She had, from the start been weird about allowing herself to be attached to Daniela but now that Marco was dead, her hang up of him taking the baby had no teeth to it.

All I wanted was for her to know that I was taking the kids for another month and that I still wanted her to be a part of their lives.

I was nervous but I couldn't back down.

When I opened the door to the theater, a Jeremih song was blasting through the speakers, they were mid rehearsal so I slid into one of the back seats and watched as Britt and Tony sat at the middle table while Ari and my replacement danced across the stage.

It wasn't until I actually saw his face that I felt the burning jealousy in the pit of my stomach.

They say a baby can sense your tension and I totally think that they are right.

Daniela began to whine and so I fished in my pocket for her pacifier.

I had left it in the car.

Her cries were getting louder.

Fuck.

 _"You are so not helping right now, little girl."_ I muttered as I stood to my feet and tried bouncing her but she was just getting started apparently because now she was wailing.

I was headed towards the aisle to try and leave before things got ugly but I froze when I heard my name.

* * *

 _"Santana!"_ I turned around to see Brittany storming my way with an angry expression. She looked super pissed. I tried not to care but I hated seeing her so upset.

By the time that Britt had gotten to me, I had Daniela out of the carrier and was soothing her in my arms.

_"I'm sorry, Britt Britt. She was sleeping and-"_

Britt wrapped a hand around my arm, yanking me closer to her and brought her face really close to mine.

 _"Why are you here?"_ she growled.

_"Let go of my arm, B...we are not going back to that kind of relationship."_

_"Relationship? What relationship? We have no relationship!"_ she was yelling in my face now.

I tried to step back but she gripped my arm tighter.

 _"Let go of her Brittany!"_ That was Ari.

 _"Baby, let her go."_ That was what's his name...calling my wife...my Brittany his baby.

Brittany didn't let go.

_"You need to leave."_

_"I just wanted to talk to you B."_ I said evenly.

_"Not here. I'm working."_

_"Then when?"_

_"Frankly, I don't give a shit. Just...take her and go."_

_"Her? She's your d-daughter, B! You can deny me but you won't deny the kids. You wanted them."_

_"I had no choice!"_ She screamed in my face.

 _"You don't mean that!"_ I felt the tears behind my eyes but I wouldn't cry in front of her. She had lost that privilege.

 _"Grady...you may want to get your girlfriend."_ Ari spat out in anger. _"I don't give a fuck if she saved my life."_

 _"Britt let her go...come on...let's go cool off."_ He wrapped his arms around her waist and lifted her clear off the ground and carried her in the opposite direction.

Daniela had stopped crying and was looking around with tears in her eyes.

 _"Are you ok, Anita?"_ Ari said as she tried to pry the baby from my arms.

 _"No...I just...I didn't...she just denied her own kids."_ I whispered as I handed the baby off to Ari.

_"I don't think she meant it, Anita. She's just having a bad day. Don't look at me like that! She's been a fucking Nazi all freaking day. She has pictures of the kids all over her office. She talks about them all the time. She just doesn't feel comfortable surrounded by your family...not anymore. Do you blame her?"_

_"I get it...but to deny them...that..."_ I slid into one of the seats and rested my head in my palms. _"I just wanted her to be able to see the baby before I left for Lima."_

_"I totally get it. Maybe coming here like this, was just a bad idea."_

_"Tell that to Sandra...it was her idea...not mine."_

_"Is she outside?"_

_"Yea."_

_"Let me walk you out...okay?"_

_"Yea."_

* * *

Dealing with that kind of blow was something that I didn't think I would have been able to handle before rehab.

But as I got back in the car and put the baby back in her seat while Ari talked to my sister through the window about the whole scene. I ignored my sister's questions on the way to her house and just held my baby's hand.

Screw Britt off her meds, denying our kids...I didn't need that hot mess.

I would be okay.

The week that followed was filled with me, in constant contact with my network, even Sue. I buried myself in books and spent all day with my baby. After the first night of crying myself to sleep, I asked Celia to sleep in the bed with me. With her there I quickly stopped crying about it. She served as an amazing distraction by telling me all about her new girlfriend Maggie.

She seemed so happy now, almost carefree and less angry.

Apparently her and Quinn were still talking everyday but it was as friends and they liked it that way.

We never talked about Brittany and I was happy about it because the new bruise on my arm was enough of a reminder of how much pain I was in every time she was off of her meds.

Things were going to be different from here on out, I was managing my expectations and reminding myself that I was going to be okay.

My daily talks with CiCi and Dr. Clover helped. They were the only ones I told about the bruise and how it happened, they both encouraged me to be transparent and to call into the group meetings since I couldn't leave my sister's house.

I had faith that we would fix this rift between us even if we didn't end up together.

Nobody understood Brittany like I did, she would come back to me.

Our friendship was solid...even if it was buried under a mountain of shit at the moment.

We loved each other, so I wouldn't cry over her.

Over this.

For now, I needed to stay focused and sober, nothing would distract me from my purpose.

Not even Brittany.


	3. Accountable (Amtrac)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My license to drive had never fully been taken away from me, not according to the state. It had just been discouraged by my doctors but after getting my artery fixed, I hadn't had a single seizure or stroke.

That didn't stop my sisters from converging on me at dinner on Saturday night.

It was all going well, they had told me that they were just making sure to see me before I left to Ohio for however long.

And I was crazy happy to see them all in one place.

Sandra had even invited Ari, I hadn't seen her since before rehab and of course, I was happy because she saw Britt every day.

I was playing peek-a-boo with Daniela while we waited for dinner to be served when Ari plopped down at the head of the table so that she was in my line of sight.

 _"I missed you."_ She said with a sweet smile.

_"You did?"_

_"I did."_

_"How's the show going?"_ I asked once Daniela began to pick at the Cheerios that were spread on her the tray of her highchair. They were her very favorite, go figure.

_"The show is fine. Scripts are finalized, so it's just a lot of rehearsal...we have done a few workshops and some off-Broadway previews. They were well received."_

_"That's great and B?"_

_"She's still off of her meds. At one point she thought we were back together...you and me...tried to fight me."_

_"Of course she did."_ I brushed Daniela's curls from her face, trying to keep my hands busy.

_"I'm seeing someone."_

I'd been looking at my daughter but those words got my attention.

_"You are?"_

_"I am and when the time is right, I hope you'll be willing to meet her?"_

I reached over and squeezed Ari's hand.

 _"I can't wait."_ She relaxed and then winked at me.

* * *

We were well into dinner and I was regaling everyone with the stories of Craig and his plan to sabotage me, when Sandra put her fork down loudly and then everyone else followed suit.

My hackles were up.

 _"What?"_ I asked Sandra.

 _"Me and the girls were talking."_ She started and then paused. I looked around the table and could see the concern on Celia's face and the stoney look on Mari's.

_"What did I do?"_

_"Nothing yet, we just wanted to make sure that you're physically ready to be out there on your own."_

_"I'm sober."_ I argued.

_"We know and we're proud of you going to stay with Sue for the first little while you're there until you get on a schedule."_

_"Not only that, I'm studying for my r-real estate license. I have 30 hours left before I can t-take the exam."_

_"And how do you plan to get around?"_ Celia asked.

_"I have cars there."_

_"Exactly."_ Mari cut in. _"You haven't had a follow-up in months."_

 _"Okay, I can do that when I get there."_ I didn't see the problem.

_"Actually, I took the liberty to clear my Monday schedule so that we can get you in to see your doctors. Just to clear you before you start driving again."_

_"Oh, so basically you want me to st-stay here another day?"_

_"Yes."_ They said in unison. I could see they were waiting for me to explode like I used to when anyone tried to control my life without my permission but I was managing expectations.

I could either explode and act like a child or I could humor them.

They weren't the only ones who were nervous about my driving, I was too. I mean, I'd have both my babies with me and I wouldn't put them in danger, ever again if I could help it.

 _"Okay, I'll move my flight then. You'll c-come with me to get this monitor removed, right?"_ I looked at Sandra and she nodded.

_"Yes, then I thought we could check on your house?"_

She wasn't saying something and Ari's sharp intake of breath made me realize that I needed to make my presence known.

_"Okay."_

_"And maybe we should leave the baby with Mari for a bit, is that okay sis?"_ Sandra asked Mari.

_"Sure, Norah and Daniela need to stick together."_

* * *

I had made it an entire week without Sandra seeing my arm and I should have known from my history that the truth will out at some point.

We were headed back to Long Island, back to rehab to see Officer Coleman and Doc so that I could get cleared before I went to see the judge. I was adjusting a nursing pad in my bra when my sweater sleeve slipped down at a red light.

 _"That looks pretty bad."_ She said to me and I looked at her, then down at my arm where the flesh was a blackish purple almost seven days later. I'd covered it up with foundation but obviously not as well as I thought.

_"Looks worse than it is."_

_"Have you talked to her?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you plan on it?"_

_"When she comes to me. For now, I think it's all about being s-sober and making sure the kids are on track."_

_"That's good to hear."_ She was holding back as she stared blankly ahead. I touched her thigh. _"I've been so worried about everything, ever since Brenda, I need to constantly know what's going on with all of you."_

_"Sis, I'm gonna make her work for it. No more excuses."_

She let out a sigh and then wiped at her eyes.

_"Good. I just, get so scared that I'll lose another sister. I just, can't imagine those kids without their mom in this world. Seeing Brenda's boys missing her is so gutwrenching. Isaac and Daniela are just babies if Britt were to lose control...God."_

_"Shhh...it's okay. I won't let that happen. I plan to live a long life."_

_"You don't know that, Santana. Tomorrow isn't promised."_

_"I know."_ I said, turning from her and looking out the window but I kept my hand on her thigh. She covered it with her own sweaty hand and squeezed.

_"You know more than most. I forget that sometimes."_

_"I never do."_

* * *

I peed in a cup and put it on the shelf, making quick work of it while my sister chatted with Doc and Officer Coleman. I was washing my hands when I felt the first wave of nausea hit me...then another.

But I managed to keep it together in front of everyone while Officer Coleman, took off my ankle monitor and scanned it before tossing it in a drawer.

_"You're done with that...you can drop your leg."_

I put my foot on the ground and felt a little naked without my monitor. In a perverse way, I missed it momentarily but then I sat in the chair next to the desk while Officer Coleman gave me my guidelines and that feeling passed.

_"You have completed your 127 days of mandated rehab and probation. My report states that you performed exemplary and it is my recommendation that you are rehabilitated."_

_"Thank you."_

_"The center, though works outside of probation and courts. Will you be able to fulfill the contract that you signed upon admission?"_

I felt winded as I looked from her to Doc and back again.

 _"Contract?"_ And then Marco's words came floating back to me, read everything before you sign it.

And I hadn't.

Officer Coleman dug out a piece of paper that had my signature, large and looping on the bottom and began to read.

_"Upon my completion of rehabilitation, I will attend regular meetings and maintain weekly contact with my sponsor. I will build a routine and report it back to my counselor on a monthly basis for one calendar year. I will obtain and maintain gainful employment within 30 days of my completion of the program and will begin the transition to a therapist of my choosing. If I violate this contract, I understand that it constitutes a severance with the program and all program support."_

_"So in other words, she stays in contact and gets a job or she loses both Dr. Clover and CiCi?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good to know."_ I said and shrugged. _"I have never had a job but I am w-working on my real estate license. Does that count?"_

 _"As long as you do something with it, Santana."_ Doc added. _"I'm very proud of you for taking that initiative. It's difficult for some wealthy people to get the concept of needing something to channel their time into that is healthy and constructive."_

_"You've taught me a lot."_

_"It's true, my sister came in here with a sense of entitlement a mile wide."_ I scowled at her. _"But after convincing me to buy property in Lima, then leaving me with the job of maintaining it. I suggested she take it over when she gets there...she came to me with an idea to do more than that. She took over my office and began taking online courses right away. She almost has all the required hours of courses to take the exam. It can take people months but she threw herself into those courses like I've never seen. She's different. Thanks to this place."_

* * *

After all the sappiness and a video call with the judge with Officer Coleman by my side, I was cleared of all charges and free to go.

Doc gave me the biggest hug and then handed me a sheet of paper.

_"My cell is on there, text me anytime and I will make sure to get back to you. Okay?"_

_"Thanks."_

_"I believe in you, Santana. Now it's time for you to really believe in yourself. Okay?"_

_"And manage my ex-expectations?"_

_"Precisely."_

_"Thanks, Doc."_

Walking out of the rehab for a second time, this time with my ankle lighter and a new set of guidelines to follow, I felt secure.

_"Ready to go check on the house?"_

_"What time is it?"_ I asked my sister as I climbed into the car.

_"Almost lunchtime."_

_"I'm going to call B."_

_"Really?"_

_"You'll be with me the whole time."_

_"Okay. Call her."_

I took a deep breath and then hit video chat on my phone.

In all honesty, I didn't expect her to answer but then I was staring at her blue eyes.

 _"Hey."_ She said, then she put the phone back a bit and I could see that she was sitting at her desk in her office.

_"Hi. I leave tomorrow. I'm in the city, do you have time to meet me at home?"_

_"Home? As in the place that Sandra kicked out of?"_

I looked over at my sister and she shrugged.

_"Yes."_

She sighed and bit her bottom lip, then she nodded.

_"Okay. Did you eat yet?"_

_"No. Sandra and I are just leaving rehab."_

_"Again?"_

_"I had to get my monitor off."_

_"Right, uh...I can grab food from the cart. What are you in the mood for, sweet or salty?"_

_"Sweet."_

_"Okay. I'm going to finish up here and I'll meet you outside, I don't have the keys."_

_"Right, okay. I'll let you know when we cross the bridge so you know when to head out."_

_"Perfect. See you in a bit."_

* * *

_"You kicked her out? Why am I j-just hearing about this?"_ I asked my sister as she drove eerily quiet after the call.

We had been driving for about thirty minutes and would hit the bridge in another ten, I needed to know what the hell I was up against when it came to Brittany. I didn't want to fix things with her...and I would wait for her to come to me. This was just me checking to see where her head is before I go since the last time I left for Lima, I came back to her nearly killing me and Daniela.

_"I did. I had my reasons and it is probably for the best."_

_"Ari was there too, though."_

_"She still is. I only kicked out Brittany and told Ari that if she wanted to stay, she needed to be the only person there."_

_"She a-agreed to that?"_

_"Yes, she moves back into the dorms soon and didn't want to worry about finding a place to stay. She has been considering going back to Lima with you for a few weeks though."_

_"She is?"_

_"Last I heard, she may have changed her mind and just didn't feel the need to tell me. Either way, it's your house...well Izzy's house but also yours and I only have so much pull. Brittany needed to go her own way."_

_"Where is she staying?"_

_"Don't know, don't care."_

_"Sis...come on. You know she's not well."_

_"You said no excuses, Santana. I expect you to hold to that, you are still gaining trust back with the family, which includes me. I need you to say what you mean and mean what you say. Entiendes?"_

_"Yeah. I get it."_

Sandra detoured through Brooklyn and picked up Celia, she says just for the hell of it but I knew it was more for backup. I tried not to be annoyed but I couldn't help it. I took a deep breath though and tried to manage my emotions and see things from my sisters' perspective.

Britt had hurt me before and with me getting back on my feet, they weren't going to jeopardize my sobriety.

So I just took many deep breaths and tried to sink myself into a game on my phone but then Celia didn't know how to let well enough alone.

 _"Is that a bruise? Where'd that come from?"_ Ceily asked as we sped toward the bridge.

 _"I'm handling it. Please don't m-make things worse."_ I said as I finished texting B to let her know we were crossing the bridge. _"I know more than anyone what I've b-been through."_

_"She's right, Ceily, we are meeting Brittany at the house. We'll be the buffer but we won't attack her. Got it."_

_"That's fine, as long as Britt isn't in any rooms with Ana, alone. I won't make that mistake again."_ Celia said and I just nodded, knowing that nothing I could say would make her calm down. She, of all people, was in her right to be cautious.

By the time we got to the house, my boobs were hard as rocks since I hadn't seen the baby in a few hours, as we pulled into the driveway towards the garage, I didn't see B at the stairs, so my plan was to go straight inside and pump until she came.

Only, when we walked into the kitchen, there Britt sat with Ari drinking coffee.

I froze at the kitchen door, the first difference in the room was that my pristine grey walls were this gruesome yellow color.

 _"You painted."_ I said to B and she looked around.

_"Oh yeah...I forgot about that. Do you hate it?"_

_"Kinda, yeah."_ I said. My sisters nudged me further into the kitchen and then shut the door behind us.

 _"It's a party."_ Britt said sarcastically.

No one said a word in response.

 _"I need to pump...mind if I sit?"_ I said to Ari and she scooted over, which left me sitting directly across from my wife.

 _"You should eat while you pump."_ She said looking me over. I nodded and pulled off my sweater, Ari looked away blushing as if she hadn't been all up on this a few months ago but I just ignored her.

My sisters were sitting at the kitchen island talking about something on Sandra's phone. I attached my pump to both my boobs, hissing when they suctioned because the baby had been going hard on my nipples since she cut some new teeth.

Britt opened up the bag, pulled the sandwich out, and set it up for me before sliding it over.

Then I could see her staring...but I knew it wasn't at my boobs, she was glaring at my arm.

 _"I'm sorry."_ She said, her eyes moving towards mine. _"There's no excuse. I promised you I would never touch you in anger again, I broke that promise. I'm so so sorry."_

I could feel the eyes of my sisters on us but I just took a bite out of my sandwich and nodded at B.

 _"Do you need us to leave you alone?"_ Ari asked.

Britt spoke first.

 _"No. I lost that right. That's why her sisters are here."_ She said to Ari.

I nodded again and kept eating, kept trying to hold back my emotions.

Something about her was off...she was being diplomatic but I could tell from the fire in her eyes that she was still off her medication. It threw me off but I tried to just focus on one thing at a time... at this moment two things. Pumping and eating.

But then the sandwich was gone and my stomach was growling.

 _"Is there anything else?"_ I asked her.

 _"Um...I want you to know that I miss my kids."_ Britt said.

 _"No, I meant...food."_ Her eyes went wide and she shook her head.

_"That's usually more than enough."_

_"Not anymore,"_ I responded as I focused on closing the bottles that I'd filled and then cleaning myself with a napkin. It wasn't until I was completely covered up again that I dared to look at my wife. _"I've changed."_ I said

 _"I know, baby."_ She said and it stung.

The memory of that asshole calling her baby just a week ago was enough to make my walls go up.

I had shoved the bottles into the cooler bag and walked it to the refrigerator before washing my hands. My back was to the room and that's when the tears came but when she stepped behind me, to comfort me I spun so fast that she stumbled back.

 _"Sorry."_ She said, then she looked pale and held up a finger before running out of the room.

 _"What the hell was that?"_ I looked to Ari and she just shrugged.

 _"She's been sick the last few days, we ate some suspect cart food. I've been a little queasy myself."_ Ari lied and I just nodded along.

 _"I am going to walk around, maybe grab a few things for my tr-trip home."_ I said to the room a large before pushing out into the dining room.

Again another color, bright pink this time. It was enough to make me want to hurl, what had she been doing, honestly?

Britt came out of the guest room with red-rimmed eyes and a red face.

_"Sorry. Um...do you need anything for your trip or maybe do you want to see what else I changed?"_

_"Sure."_

* * *

Someone hovered behind me as I followed Britt into the guest room, my black wallpaper was intact but now there was a ceiling fan where my chandelier had been.

I turned back towards the door and bumped right into Britt. Her body was pressed against mine and she slid her arms around my waist loosely. We were close enough to kiss and she looked tempted even though Sandra was standing just a few feet away.

 _"Do you remember what you said to me about exploring before you went away?"_ She whispered.

 _"Don't. B."_ I whispered, my hormones on overdrive as she held me.

_"Look, I already know that you'll do what you want. I just am asking that you not post it on socials."_

_"Um okay."_ I went to pull away but her hands were locked behind me. _"Let me go."_ I said and she dropped her hands.

 _"Why did you even want me here?"_ She asked.

_"I wanted to t-talk about the kids."_

_"Ok, what about them?"_

_"I didn't want you to lose it like l-last time."_

_"Oh. Well, we have a few weeks off coming up. My parents are clearing out the house, so I will probably head home too. I can take them then and give you some alone time."_

_"That's...yeah. That works."_

_"Good. Do you need anything from me? What can I do to make this transition easier for you?"_

_"Tomorrow, I need to get tests done here in the city. Do you have c-capacity to watch Daniela for a little while?"_

_"Oh, you're not leaving tomorrow?"_

_"No, Tuesday night."_

_"Yeah, I can move stuff and spend the day here with her."_

_"Perfect. Thanks, B."_

_"She's my daughter, despite my stupidity last week. It will be good to spend time with her before you go."_

_"I should be back by dinner time."_

_"Good, I'll talk to the bosses and Tony today."_ She looked at her watch and then whistled, _"Ari?!"_

Ari came in a few seconds later with Celia, they were chuckling about something.

_"Sup?"_

_"Just got a text, we need to head back."_ Then she was looking at me again. _"Can I hug you for real?"_

Sandra cleared her throat but I ignored her, Britt wasn't going to try anything with everyone watching. This time when her arms wrapped around me, my body relaxed against hers. I tried to ignore the fact that she smelled like him and the way her body felt different. My mind had so many suspicions but I wasn't going to pry.

We held each other for a moment longer and then she kissed my forehead before pulling away.

 _"If it's okay with you, I'll just come back here with Ari tonight so I'll be here when you get here tomorrow."_ She said to Sandra.

 _"That's fine."_ Sandra gritted through her teeth.

 _"Make sure you pump plenty of milk, okay?"_ She said to me.

_"I plan on it."_

I watched her leave with Ari and then I grabbed the closest breakable thing and flung it on the floor, then I did it again and again. My sisters stood by in horror as I yanked pictures from the wall and shattered them...when I headed for the flat screen, Celia stepped in.

_"Whoa! That's Quinn's!"_

I was breathing heavily as she stepped between me and the flatscreen, our eyes met and then I crumpled against her.

 _"Hey, are you okay?"_ Sandra asked.

_"Yeah, I just needed to g-get my frustration out instead of turning it inwards. L-Like before. I want to stay here until it's meeting time...will you two go with me?"_

* * *

I crunched over the broken glass and walked back towards the kitchen.

When I pulled open the fridge, expecting it to look just as putrid as the walls, I was pleasantly surprised to see that it was full of food and didn't have a funny smell.

It was definitely evident that Ari had been staying here. She was stuck between me and Britt, loyal to me because of who I was and loyal to Britt because she was both her boss and the person that had saved her life.

She'd be here for another month and I wanted her to know just how much I appreciated her.

I pulled out food and my favorite pots and pans.

My sisters jumped right in cutting onions and peppers while I seasoned meat.

Before I knew it, Mari was showed up with the girls, and the music was turned up.

It wasn't until Saul came in to get a trash bag and a broom that I remembered the mess I had made in the living room.

No one questioned it, we just cooked and made the house feel like mine again.

By the time that the food was done, it was almost time for the earlier meeting at the church, I pumped more milk and then left with Celia.

The meeting recentered me and it was good to remember what I was fighting so hard for.

I had never made it more than six months sober since this whole thing started and I was planning to beat that record tenfold.

Celia put an arm through mine as we walked back to the house,

_"I'm proud of you."_

_"Don't be. Not yet."_

_"If at any time, you feel like you need an anchor, someone to just come to be there for you that's not Quinn or Brittany, call me. I'll charter a plane, a helicopter, something and I'll be there before you know it."_

_"Thanks."_

* * *

This time stepping into my house didn't feel like an assault. I mean the colors were still there, bright and hideous but it smelled and sounded like MY house. There was a squeal when I stepped into the living room.

 _"MA!"_ Daniela called to me. She was in her little walker with tears beginning to fill her eyes and I knew what was coming.

I swept her into my arms as her whimpers began and my boobs were ready for her. She was grabbing at my face and sucking on my cheek as I walked towards the dining room table.

She latched on as soon as my tit was out and gripped it for dear life.

I was humming to her when the door opened and in came Britt, Ari, and HIM.

Britt's eyes met mine and we had one of those old-school silent conversations. I wanted him gone.

Only it was too late, he walked around Britt like he owned the place and plopped down in the chair across from me.

 _"Hi, Santana, I'm Grady."_ He said holding his hand out but I just looked at his hand and then up at him.

_"I know."_

_"It was time for us to properly meet since I plan to stick around for my girl."_ He said with a grin.

 _"You mean my wife."_ I snapped and he just chuckled.

 _"G, baby maybe you should go."_ Britt said as she came over and tugged at his shirt sleeve. _"I didn't realize anyone would be here. Go, I'll be fine."_

He looked up at her and something in his eyes reminded me of Marco and not the good parts.

Was she afraid of him?

_"You were planning to stay tonight, with her here?"_

_"Again, I'm her wife."_ I said and he rolled his eyes.

 _"For now."_ He muttered and then brushed Britt's arm from his sleeve. _"B, I'm not really comfortable leaving you here with the wolves."_

 _"Did he just?"_ Sandra said and Celia stood there, arms crossed over her chest.

_"He definitely did."_

Ari kept looking around, looking unsure of her authority here. Sure she'd been living here but now we were all here and she was just a guest again.

But then our eyes met.

No silent conversation needed, she knew me.

_"Grady, it's time for you to go. What Brittany does with Santana is HER business. You knew what you were signing up for, be a man, and know where you stand. Go, please."_

He was digging his heels in now.

_"Or what?"_

Ari though was quick, she always had been.

_"Or I tell Frank and August that you two have been fucking in the theater, on the stage...I'll tell them everything."_

Britt and Grady both looked at her wide-eyed.

Ohhhh...so this was against the rules. I moved the baby to my other boob and tucked that bit of information away. Let everyone else deal with him, I would not let either of them drive me back to the dark place.

 _"Grady, please, I could lose my job."_ Britt said and finally this motherfucker got up and walked towards the door.

My whole mood could have been soured in that moment but I knew that I had set this all in motion.

Britt and Ari managed to get the asshole to leave and I was happy to not have been a part of that.

One less thing for her to resent me for.

* * *

Daniela was milk drunk by the time she was finished, her eyes were glazed over and she had this dopey little smile on her face. I kissed her cheeks and then put her down in the little playpen that Mari had brought for Norah. Daniela curled up into a ball, looking lonely and sad. Maybe it was the months spent away from her or the fact that I understood that feeling of self-soothing that made me pick her back up.

I wasn't letting her go if I could help it, I didn't care if it spoiled her.

Britt had gone upstairs to shower and my sisters were serving dinner in the kitchen, the house was back to that happy, peaceful place.

Mari was feeding Norah in the guest room and informed me that she had grabbed all my stuff from Sandra's with the intention to just leave from here in the morning. So I headed upstairs to get a change of clothes.

I wasn't thinking about being alone with Brittany or her being off her meds, just about changing.

The baby was heavy in my arms but I didn't mind.

She made me feel centered and calmed my ache for Isaac who was too far to hug at the moment.

I pushed into our bedroom and nearly tripped over a little ottoman that was at the side of our bed which was on a different wall. Britt must have kept it there for Isaac to climb up on the bed, that was the only thing that made sense.

Reluctantly, I laid the baby in the bed and surrounded her with pillows before creeping to the closet. Britt was still in the shower and I was hoping to be in and out before she was finished.

The closet was immaculate still, my clothes were just where I left them, thankfully.

I changed into sweats and ran a brush through my hair before heading back out to the room.

Britt stood there, dripping wet and leaning towards our dresser mirror, examining a zit on her face.

 _"I'll let you get dressed."_ I muttered as I moved towards the bed where the baby was sprawled out.

 _"I'm sorry about him, he gets super jealous."_ Britt said, turning around and leaning back against the dresser in her towel.

 _"Don't. What you do, is what you do. I just would ap-appreciate if you didn't bring him here...not inside. Please?"_ I said, moving towards the edge of the bed to sit down.

She waited for me to sit before she came over and knelt in front of me.

 _"I tried to end things...it's just...things have changed."_ She said and I knew then my suspicions were right.

 _"You're pregnant."_ I said and she looked pale.

_"How...wait...how?"_

I brushed my fingers over her cheeks.

_"How far?"_

_"Early, four weeks maybe. I just did a pee test. I need to go see a doctor."_

_"He knows?"_

_"I just told him today, that's why he came here."_

_"So you two are going to raise a little family together?"_

_"No...I don't know. I just want you."_

_"He's never going to let that h-happen."_

She was crying now but I just leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead.

_"I'm sorry. This wasn't...I don't want this, not like this. Izzy and Dani are it...I can't do this."_

_"You can, B...you'll be the best. I know it."_

_"Will you help me?"_

I sighed and shook my head.

_"No. I can't. I'm just g-getting on my feet."_

_"Right. I know. I'm sorry."_ She pulled back and stood up. _"Why don't you go downstairs? I'll get her in her crib and I'll be down for dinner."_

_"B...hey, I've still got your back...if you need anything."_

_"You confuse me...how isn't that help?"_

_"You just want my help, for me to make you feel better about this because we ARE married. You were supposed to explore not fall in love...not get knocked up."_

_"You're one to talk."_

_"No. You wanted me. I was content to do this parenting thing on my own. You insisted on staying. Even with Daniela, you were wary of Marco but you st-still wanted something with me."_

_"So what, you don't want me?"_

I had backed myself into a corner but there was no time like the present, to be honest.

She needed to manage her expectations too.

_"I want you to be happy and safe."_

She was closer to me now, hovering just too close but she kept her arms crossed over her chest and her hands under her armpits. Her tears were blatant now and she'd gone super pink.

_"But do you want me?"_

_"No. Not like this. I want you level. I want you, faithful...even if I give you a p-pass, I want you to not take it. I'm not polyamorous like you. I want one love, one wife...one family...I could control Marco...and Ian. They didn't get in your way, if you can tell me that Grady won't get in my way of helping you, I'll support this."_

She hesitated. _"He...he...he"_

_"That's what I thought. Call me a hy-hypocrite but in this B, I just have to leave you on your own. Sorry, not sorry."_

* * *

That night Britt had left me and Daniela in the bed by ourselves and slept elsewhere.

And then in the morning, Ari had left and Britt was already up with the baby, giving her a bath while I got dressed.

Mari wouldn't let me linger, I had to take my tests fasting so she gave me enough time to feed the baby and then was rushing me out the door leaving Saul and Norah behind to keep B company.

Through everything the night before, Mari had really kept her opinions to herself but that all changed once we were out of the house.

_"Want to tell me about yesterday? Ceily told me you lost it, breaking shit and then you managed to be alone with Brittany after you promised you wouldn't be."_

_"Ay, Mari, it was just a hard night."_ I said as I checked into my flight on my phone.

_"Did your talk with her resolve anything?"_

_"Maybe not for her, but definitely for me."_ I sighed. _"I ap-appreciate your concern but my mind isn't all here, I'm tired and cranky. I had to p-practically sleep with my tits out since the baby is extra clingy since I came home."_

_"Fine, I'll table it but you aren't getting out of talking this out. My undergrad is social work and psychology, I know the dangers of pushing things off. I just want to be a sounding board."_

_"So you can run tell the girls about it?"_

_"No. What you tell me stays between us, as long as it isn't something that risks any of our lives."_

_"Thanks,"_ I said, too tired to continue. _"So, what's first?"_

_"Fasting blood draw and CT Scan."_

_"When can I eat?"_

_"Depends on if you need an MRI. It's a slow day at the hospital, I checked. You should be able to zip through tests and then I'll personally bring you breakfast while we wait for the results."_

_"Promise?"_

_"Cross my heart."_

* * *

Mari kept her word, I was poked and prodded for over two hours before they left me in a room to wait for my results.

And sure enough, Mari came in with my breast pump and pancakes that Ari had apparently made that morning.

_"She packed them for you and everything, if I could go back, I'd tell you to marry that girl. Ari is everything that Brittany isn't."_

_"I know."_

_"But the heart wants what it wants...right?"_

_"Yup. I tried. When I was with Ari, it was perfect. She was amazing but she w-wasn't Britt."_

_"No offense, but Brittany isn't even Brittany."_

_"She's pregnant."_ I said to my sister as I cut into my food.

_"Shit."_

_"Yeah keep that to yourself."_

_"I will...is she keeping it?"_

_"Britt would never get rid of her ch-child. Now though, sh-she's mad that I won't step up."_

_"I saw that idiot last night, there's no way he would let you...so now you are left to ponder, do you divorce and seek full custody or do you wait to see how things play out?"_

_"The latter."_

_"I thought so."_

Ari had always made the most insanely good pancakes and right in that moment, I was in heaven.

But then a nurse came in.

 _"What now?"_ I said around a mouthful of food.

_"You're severely dehydrated, the doctor thought it was best to get you on a banana bag."_

She pulled up my sleeve to wrap the tourniquet since they'd used my other arm already and paused at the bruise.

_"Just ignore that...it looks worse than it is."_

She shared a look with my sister and then wrapped the tourniquet under the bruise before pricking me with the needle.

I hissed and then she quickly set up the IV before taking off the tourniquet and asking me if I wanted to talk to a social worker.

And I ignored her and went back to eating.

 _"Santana."_ Mari said and I ignored her too, drinking down my apple juice before sitting back and looking her in the eyes. _"Can I see it?"_ she sighed as she held her hands out to me. I was hesitant but I did as she asked and gave her my arm.

She lightly touched the swollen skin and then leaned in and kissed it a few times before rubbing my leg.

I dropped my eyes but she tilted my head up so that I was looking at her again.

 _"Did Britt do that to you?"_ she didn't look mad, just concerned.

_"Yes."_

She sighed again and then took my hand in hers.

 _"Has anyone ever told you how Saul and I met?"_ she said as she played with my fingers.

 _"No...I don't know much about you guys actually."_ I admitted with a frown. How was that possible?

Saul was just always that quiet, brooding guy in the background.

* * *

_"Saul is ten years older than me and was married once before. He was with Sylvia for five years. They were happy and he thought that he would love her forever but then she cheated on him with some guy that she had been hanging with after work and then Saul cheated and she cheated again."_

_"Shit."_

_"Yeah, a few times it got physically abusive in both directions. They went back and forth like that for a year, I think. She ended up getting pregnant...she had a miscarriage though and ended up filing for divorce from him."_

_"Whoa, that's familiar."_

_"Very."_

_"So what happened?"_

_"They had been best friends but this bitterness between them killed the best parts of their friendship."_

_"I can relate. Are they still...cordial?"_

_"Soon after the divorce, she went off and married Saul's best friend, Dominic...my boyfriend at the time who just came to me one day and said...'Guess what I did...I went to Vegas and got married...isn't that cool?' I punched him in the face and broke his nose. Anyway, Saul and I met when I dropped Dominic at the hospital. We laughed at our crazy connection and fell in love soon after."_

_"Wow."_ I said as I looked at her in shock. _"I don't know if you're saying I should leave Britt now...maybe for Ari or if you're saying I should be friends with her again."_

_"You and Brittany are childhood best friends, first loves and all that. I've been watching you each become bitter more and more. When you left for rehab...she tried. For a good two weeks she tried...but then that girl started hanging around and slowly showed Brittany what she was missing out there...just like that she was out every night and coming back with people. Sandra put her foot down and they stood toe to toe in the dining room. It took me and Celia to hold Sandra back from killing her. After that, she rebelled completely. Saul and I talked about it and he sees that look of rebellion in Britt that he saw in Sylvia. He says it's good that you stepped back."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"You and Britt are meant for each other Ana. You both know it, I know it but the problem with that is that at your age...shit my age and even your mom's age...forever is a really long time! That's scary. Britt is still a kid and I think without you there constantly reminding her that she had to grow up and with us stepping in so easily to take care of the kids...she remembered that she's still young. She realized that she doesn't want this life right now. She wants to be young and free. I'm sure getting pregnant is terrifying for her."_

_"She's scared shitless."_

_"But so were you."_

_"I was...I still am. I'm just getting clean. I can't help her."_

_"I know but you can support her from afar. Right?"_

_"Maybe."_

_"You've been through a lot, more than most people in middle age. You grew up before your time and you have been dragging Brittany along for the ride. She's not ready yet. It's selfish. It's hurtful but it's the truth. You frustrate her. It's like seeing your destiny before you're ready. So this time apart...however long it may be...is good if you guys are looking at forever. Just...give her time."_

_"What if I don't want to wait for her, Mari?"_

She cocked her eyebrow.

_"Don't you?"_

_"I do, I think."_

_"See...you already know what you want. So now you just have to let it happen. In the meantime...stay away from her. Even if she comes to Lima...don't stay around her alone. She's dangerous off of those meds. I don't want you to be hurt again."_

_"Thanks Mari."_ I wrapped my arms around her and rested my head on her shoulder. _"That was just what I needed to hear."_

_"Anytime. I hope it helped."_

_"More than you know."_

* * *

When I got to Lima with the okay to drive, I had every intention to rent a whip but Q was waiting with me with a fresh tan and smirk.

 _"What the heck are you doing here, Fabray?"_ I said as I came to a stop in front of my best friend in the terminal.

_"I thought I'd pick you up. I missed you."_

_"I missed you too."_

We hugged and then I plopped a kiss on her cheek. She grabbed my carry-on and pulled it along as we headed outside.

I never thought that I would greet Lima again so willingly.

But here I was, holding my little girl in my arms and walking off the plane in Dayton willingly with Quinn by my side.

Daniela had been supremely calm on the plane ride, thankfully! She slept the whole way without issue.

I spent the whole plane ride thinking about how things had ended up so scrambled between me and Brittany. I was glad that Mari and I had gotten that chance to talk because it really helped me put some things in perspective.

 _"Ready?"_ Quinn said as she looped an arm through mine.

_"As ready as I can be."_

_"I'm really proud of you San. Like super proud."_

_"Yea?"_

_"Absolutely."_

She steered me towards passenger pick-up and there waiting was Susan holding hands with a very excited Isaac who was jumping up and down next to her.

I leaned into Quinn's shoulder.

_"You could have told me she was picking us up."_

_"Better to see her first than to work up the courage to talk to her. Ripping off the bandage has always been your specialty. I'm repaying the favor."_ Quinn rolled her eyes and then dropped her sunglasses over her eyes and plastered a smile on her face. _"Well hey there Izzy! Susan! How was the park?"_

 _"He doesn't like ducks."_ Susan said in mock seriousness. _"He kept trying to kick them."_

 _"Right on...that's my boy."_ I chuckled as I ruffled his hair.

 _"Mami! Baby!"_ he squealed. _"Gam, up?"_ He held his arms up to Susan and she obliged by scooping him up so that he could see me better. I smiled really huge when he leaned over and kissed Daniela on the head and then lightly rubbed her curls. _"My baby."_ he said sweetly. I looked over at Quinn in disbelief and she shrugged and began to move to the back of the van so that she could put my suitcase in the back.

 _"Your son is quite possessive...no idea where he gets that from."_ Quinn said before lifting her sunglasses and winking at me.

 _"His father."_ I said and stuck my tongue out at her.

He didn't get that from me, did he?

* * *

Quinn sat in the back seat with the kids and was singing her heart out while I sat next to my mother-in-law in the front.

The drive between Dayton and Lima was an hour and so I knew that I couldn't stay quiet the whole time but I sure wished that I could. I just didn't want to deal with this. I loved Susan, she was there for me when my own mother was absent and she looked at me as another daughter. I hadn't seen her since after the funeral and was really happy to be with her again.

I had missed her.

 _"So...Quinn tells me that you and Brittany are taking some time apart?"_ Susan said as she turned onto the highway.

We had made it five minutes before I was forced to speak.

Just great!

 _"It's more than that Susan. There's so m-much that you don't know."_ I said as I stared out at the Ohio countryside. I had missed this more than I had realized.

 _"Can I know? Will someone clue me in on what's going on at some point? Brittany is the only child I have left and she's shut me out."_ Susan bit out with more anger than I knew she could muster.

 _"I'll tell you whatever you wanna know."_ I said as I placed a placating hand on her shoulder. " _No matter what Britt does, you are still my family. I promise you that."_

She visibly calmed and then nodded her head.

 _"Are you getting another divorce?"_ she asked quietly.

I sighed heavily...Britt really had been out of touch with her mother.

 _"We are taking space."_ I said quietly.

_"Excuse me? Haven't you already gone down this road?"_

_"I told her she should ex-explore her options. I thought she'd have a one night stand, I didn't expect this."_

_"Brittany agreed to that?"_

_"Yeah, it was just after me and Q...I felt guilty."_

_"Quinn told me about that...I hope you addressed that in rehab."_

_"I did. I had a breakdown. Th-That won't happen again.'_

_"Is your affair the reason that Brittany left you so easily?"_

_"I technically left her...twice."_ I said as I continued to look out my window. I couldn't bear to see Susan's face as she interrogated me.

_"How is she doing?"_

_"I think she's doing just fine. She seems okay."_ I could feel the anger running through me as I thought of them calling each other baby right in front of me but then I tried to think positively.

I could manage my expectations better these days, I wasn't expecting shit from Britt anymore, not even when it came to the kids. That ship had sailed, I wasn't chasing. If she wanted to be around for them, I wouldn't stop her but I also wasn't going to be the one to facilitate.

Right now, I had to fight every day to eat...to be sober...and to not go to that dark place that had me wanting to kill myself more than once. I wanted more...just like Britt, what we wanted was just different.

I looked down at the tattoo on my ring finger and felt the tears welling up in my eyes.

 _"Brittany isn't losing it with you gone again, is she? I mean, she's all alone now, how could she not be devastated."_ Susan said, a little too accusatory.

 _"She's already seeing someone else."_ I said quietly as I thought of the tall dancer that towered over her. It made my skin crawl to imagine him touching her where I had touched her...and her carrying their baby.

If this is what she had felt both times I was walking around with someone else's baby, God, I felt like shit. It was agonizing.

The car was silent again.

And I wiped at my tears, trying to keep it together but that didn't last long.

* * *

 _"Is it Frankie again?"_ Susan said, her voice tight.

I shook my head, _"No...it's...his name is Grady. He's one of the dancers on the show."_ I pressed my palms against my burning eyes. Britt should be the one answering to her mother, not me. I didn't want to cry about this but this woman had just buried a child a few months ago and the child she had left was out in the world, doing her own fucking thing.

Was I her wife? Yes.

Did I feel like it? Fuck no.

 _"A guy? I thought she was done with guys after Finn?"_ she was the one resting a hand against my shoulder this time, rubbing small circles. She'd obviously gone from blaming me to feeling sorry for me.

It still felt like shit.

_"Yea well...she wasn't...which is fine. She's bi, so it's not a big deal."_

_"Has she been having him around the kids?"_

I turned to look at her finally when I saw that we were stopped at an intersection.

_"She hasn't been seeing the kids like she should. I mean she s-saw the baby yesterday but I don't know how long before that."_

_"You're kidding?"_

_"No._ _She...I went to see her when I got out of rehab and she did this."_ I rolled up my sleeve and Quinn literally leaped forward between the seats to get a look at the bruise on my arm. _"Then she told me that I forced the kids on her...she denied them. I was holding Daniela at the time. She just...she isn't on her meds right now and I think...I th-think all that good she had built up...all the faith and love she built up...is slipping away now."_ I rolled down my sleeve and turned away from them and looked back towards the window.

I wanted to escape the car ride.

Thankfully though, after showing Susan what Britt had done, she didn't feel like continuing the conversation.

I closed my eyes and rested my face against the cool glass.

My heart hurt.

I just needed to get out of this fucking car so that I could focus on something else.

For now though...I was going to have to allow Susan into what was going on because even with all her rebellion, Britt still listened to her parents. Maybe this would help Susan stop waiting for Brittany to reach out to her, and she would take initiative and go see her.

Brittany needed her.

She may be the last hope for helping Brittany find herself again.

There was nothing that I could do anymore.

At least not while I was trying to get myself together.

* * *

 _"Are you sure that you're okay with them for a few hours?"_ I asked Susan as she dropped us off at the nail salon.

_"Absolutely. You deserve this."_

_"Thanks Susan! See you in a few!"_

_"Bye girls!"_

I watched Susan pull off and it immediately reminded me of the time before I got my license when she used to drop of me and Britt off at the mall. It made me hurt just a bit.

Thank God for Q.

She wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me towards the door of the salon.

 _"Come on San...we don't have to talk about her...we can just gossip. Okay?"_ she said as she pulled open the door and shoved me forward.

 _"Thanks."_ I said as I made my way over to one of the tables.

We sat side by side and got our nails buffed and polished and Quinn seemed to be deep in thought.

_"What's up Lucy Q?"_

_"It's Rach...she has been talking to a few of the glee clubbers and apparently Mike Chang wants to propose to girl Chang in an elaborate way. She wants to get everyone together and help as we did with Mr. Schue and Bambi."_

_"With the pool...please tell me no pool!"_

Quinn looked at me in shock.

_"Does that mean you're in?"_

I shrugged.

_"As long as there isn't a pool involved. Then yes."_

_"Great! She's going to be so excited! Now I just have to convince Kurt."_

_"Is he home too?"_

_"Nope...he's doing a fashion internship back in Manhattan for the summer but he's free on Sundays and Mondays. He'll fly in if I ask him. He hasn't been in the best of spirits since Blaine broke up with him."_

_"He did?"_

_"Oh...you didn't know...right...it happened when Kurt came to see Blaine graduate a few weeks ago. Blaine is going to school at Oxford he said there was no way he was going to try and do an international relationship. He said he didn't want to hold Kurt back from being amazing. So they are just taking space kind of like you and Br-"_

I shot her a glare and she quickly turned and started yapping with the nail lady about colors.

I didn't say much after that. It seemed that even though I had escaped Britt for the summer...she was going to constantly be popping up.

Sue was my last hope at this point.

* * *

_"Talk to me San...please?"_

We sat with our feet in the bubbling water. I had been texting for the past twenty minutes with a few people and had basically been ignoring her but now she had, had enough of the silent treatment.

 _"If you want to talk about Brittany, you can forget it."_ I said without looking up at her.

_"You can't just act like this isn't happening."_

_"Fine...you want me to talk...I'm hurting, Q. I tried my best. I gave rehab my all. I tried so hard to do things right. To do things how I was supposed to be doing. She is still with him. Probably for good."_ I mean sure she wanted my help with this pregnancy but that didn't mean she wanted me or the kids. Those were two different things. _"Why is putting me to the side so easy for her? Always! With Artie, with Finn, with Frankie, with you and Rachel and now with this guy. Why is it so easy for her?"_

_"I don't think it is."_

I looked at her in shock and rested a hand against my cheek and tried to count my breaths, my heartbeats...anything to keep from snapping from the one available friend that I had at the moment.

 _"Tell me why you think that Q."_ I whispered between deep breaths. _"Tell me how it's not easy for her?"_

_"Brittany doesn't know how to exist on her own...especially not without you. That's why she jumps into people's beds. When she feels like she can't do things on her own...she looks for comfort. That shit with the cheating was just because...that's what I always thought but then when she was so level with me after you and I...you know...I figured it out. She understood us jumping into bed for comfort because that is what she does. She knew what it was. She recognized it. You went to rehab and she had to start taking charge without you to fall back on...she didn't like it so she found comfort where she could. Frankie and Rachel aren't available...Ari and Tony will never go there and neither would I. So what does she do...she leans on the first idiot that looks her way."_

I sat there in shock.

Why the fuck couldn't I see that?

How had I not realized this about my own wife?

 _"So now...she has him to lean on? So she will never learn...I guess th-this really is over, I thought she loved me."_ I played with my phone just to keep my hands busy. I wasn't craving, I was just processing.

Go me.

I needed Henry.

_"It's not over...she does love you. She just needs to find her own. It's partially our fault. We babied her in high school, even on the Cheerios. We never let her shine."_

I nodded in agreement.

 _"I don't think Grady is going to last long. I have it on good authority that he is kind of just using her."_ Quinn shrugged but little did she know how permanent he was about to become but that wasn't my business to tell. _"I thought of warning her but you know Britt...she's too stubborn and she is definitely not going to listen to me."_

_"Who told you that?"_

_"Rachel...Dionne told her."_

_"Wow."_

_"So it's just a matter of time before Britt realizes that she ruined a good thing with you and comes crawling back."_

_"I don't want that Q."_ I looked at her sharply. _"I don't want her to come crawling back. I'm not even sure I want her."_

_"Of course you do. You always will."_

_"I wish I could stop."_

_"Don't hold your breath."_

_"Trust me...I hadn't planned on it."_

* * *

_"Look who finally decided to show up!"_ Sue said as she opened the front door of her sizable house in West Lima. I had Isaac perched on my hip and Quinn held Daniela and smiled brightly.

 _"Hi coach!"_ she said just as perky.

_"Q! Good to see you!"_

_"Same here coach!"_

_"Well come on in!"_ she briskly turned around and made her way to towards the stairs.

Sue was prepared. She and Tor had apparently gotten a whole room set-up for the kids to stay in. It was amazing. Isaac squealed when he saw a life-sized Elmo. Before I knew it he was sitting on the floor talking to the thing.

_"Cute kid you got there Lopez."_

_"Thanks."_

_"So if I were Schuester I would have been hugged by now."_ she said as she looked at me and Q sternly.

I opened my arms and hugged my old cheer coach and was soon joined by Quinn and the baby.

 _"Okay that's enough."_ she said as she stepped out of the hug.

Same old Sue.

Just what I needed!


	4. Where Did It Go Wrong? (Anthony Hamilton)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Once the kids were asleep, I sat in the guest room and spent the next few hours studying. My head was killing me and my stomach was growling but I just needed to focus.

Then my phone buzzed over and over, forcing me to look away from my laptop.

 _"Yes?"_ I barked into the phone.

_"You're awake."_

_"I am."_

_"Can you sneak out?"_

_"How did you know I was awake?"_

_"Because it's 10:30 and there's a light on in Sue's guest room."_

_"Fabray, stalking is a crime."_

_"Your point?"_

_"I can't sneak out of Sue's house."_

_"You can and you will. I already cleared it with her."_

I sighed. _"Of course you did, once a kiss ass, always a kiss ass."_

_"You love me."_

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Just put on some jeans and one of those nice pair of shoes."_

_"Where?"_

_"Scandals, just me and you."_

_"So your best fr-friend gets out of rehab and you want to take her to a bar?"_

_"Yes. You're not a drunk but Rachel is, so I can't take her. Please? I need to dance."_

_"Fine but only for two hours. The baby might sense my freedom and wakeup. My leash is tight now that I'm b-back."_

_"You got it, babe."_

* * *

I lasted exactly one whole hour, dancing with Quinn in the club before I was ready to get the hell out of there.

Why?

Sugar.

 _"There she is!"_ She screamed across the room, an arm over some floozy's shoulders and a drink in her hand. She moved towards us, dragging that poor girl along until that same girl got sight of me and shoved Sugar away.

If it hadn't been for Quinn's Cheerio instincts still intact, Sugar would have had the most embarrassing fall in Scandal history.

Honestly, it would probably be the only REAL scandal that they'd seen in the rundown hole in the wall.

 _"I missed you."_ Sugar said, dancing her way between me and Quinn, her breasts pressed against mine.

_"Did you?"_

_"I did."_

_"Did Officer Coleman look out for you like I paid her to?"_ Sugar asked and I raised my eyebrow.

 _"Don't think your pop taught you to talk about deals like that."_ I said, leaning in closer.

_"He didn't but I run the business now, smarter than he ever did."_

_"That's what they all s-say."_

_"So do we get to pick things up where we left them?"_

_"Maybe."_

Quinn shot me a glare and I shrugged.

It's not like Britt cared, so long as I wasn't posting shit online.

And well...she was knocked up, so she wasn't one to make demands of me.

She was on time out for as long as it took for her to get her shit together and I wasn't going to bend on that.

_"Maybe?"_

_"Yes."_ I said and then she buried her free hand in my hair and pressed her lips to mine.

The sickly sweet taste of the vodka on her tongue made my stomach lurch and I pushed her off me.

_"What I do?!"_

_"If you wants up on this...it can't be like this."_

_"Oh shit, you really are serious about being sober this time."_

_"I am."_

_"Okay."_ She threw her hands up. _"I will be sober whenever we fuck. Promise."_

How could she make such a vulgar statement sound so damned innocent?

I needed out.

 _"You ready?"_ Q asked and I nodded.

_"God, yes."_

* * *

The next night, Sugar picked me up from my meeting and I had to call Quinn to cover for me with Sue.

But Sue told me to stop being a child and to go off and find whatever sober happiness I could.

Sugar showed up looking way more subdued than the last time, her smile was genuine and she brought me long stem roses.

Sue seemed impressed and I just felt so thrown off by just how sweet she was being.

 _"Are you hungry?"_ She asked. _"I got takeout from Breadstix."_

_"Feed me and fuck me, is that what you are up to?"_

She grinned and kissed me right there in Sue's living room before slipping her arm into mine.

 _"Have her home by midnight."_ Sue barked.

_"Yes, ma'am."_

We went back to her place, it was ostentatious and a bit gaudy just like her.

But I only saw the living room because she was on her knees, pressing me against the door and shoving her face against my panties like I was a fucking feast.

I froze...but then she looked up at me and pulled back.

_"Remember that we go at your pace, I will stop whenever you want."_

How many times had I never been allowed to consent?

Santana Lopez never says no...especially not the Santana Lopez who was an escort and a fucking sex slave to Marco...and sometimes to Britt's darker whims. This though was on me.

I wrapped my fingers around her top knot and yanked her forward.

_"Don't stop."_

And she didn't.

Lord, help me she didn't until I was practically a puddle on the floor.

It wasn't until she was up for another round and my stomach growled embarrassingly loud that she remembered that she was the only one that had eaten.

She took me to the dining room and then we had a super formal dinner, with too many forks and not enough conversation.

_"How's Carmen?"_

_"No idea. She took the kid and left in the middle of the night."_

_"Again?"_

_"Right, she did that to you too. She's good for that. I'm sure she is wherever she was before, Pop knew all about that but he won't tell me. He's all about protecting her and the baby."_

_"And you?"_

_"Not so much, people think I'm too stupid to take over."_

_"Is that your secret weapon?"_

She winked at me and the moment that the food was done, she pressed her lips to mine. We made out like school girls and when I pulled away, I so wanted to be looking into those fucking blue eyes.

 _"You miss her?"_ Sugar said, before wiping her red lipstick off my lips.

_"I do."_

_"Right person, wrong time. That's the story of you two. I always shipped Brittana...or Quinntana, you and Q are super hot together."_

I grinned and shrugged.

_"It will always be Britt...she's my person."_

_"I get that and..."_ She trailed off and looked down at her hands.

_"W-What?"_

_"I had that."_

I couldn't hold in my cackle.

_"You sly minx, who?"_

_"Don't laugh."_

_"No promises."_

_"Carmen. Before she left, we starting getting closer and I was sharing her bed every night, I was taking care of the baby every day. We went on dates and we made plans about when the time was right and enough time had passed, we'd become more but then everything went to shit and she left."_

_"You haven't heard from her?"_

_"No."_

Seeing Sugar sad on what was supposed to be me finding some bit of happiness, gave me pause.

 _"Can I be on top?"_ I asked her and she grinned.

 _"No but nice try."_ She laughed and then pounced on me.

Her sadness was forgotten for the moment.

Afterward, she showered with me, gave me some of Carmen's old clothes, and then made sure to feed me before dropping me off at Sue's.

Both she and Quinn waited for me, twin looks of interest on their faces but I just took Daniela into my arms and didn't indulge them.

Some things just had to be for me and me only.

* * *

Two days passed before I actually went to a meeting.

I had been completely immersed in just getting settled and getting used to being a mother of two practically all on my own.

By the time that I got through the meeting, I realized that I was in worse shape than I realized.

I sat on the church steps, feeling overcome with all the emotions, and finally reached out to my lifeline.

**_Hi.-Santana_ **

**_I've been waiting.-CiCi_ **

**_Just went to my first meeting. I'm slipping-Santana_ **

My phone rang immediately.

 _"Hey."_ I whispered, my throat feeling tight.

_"Define, slipping."_

_"I just feel overwhelmed, I went fr-from only worrying about myself, my routine, and now I'm juggling the kids, myself, my eating...I need a break."_

_"Where are you now?"_

_"Church."_

_"Who do you trust that can get to you quickly?"_ _I_ sat there looking around and wanted to skip the closest person because the last thing that she needed was to see me like this. _"The town isn't that big."_

_"Susan. My mother-in-law."_

_"Call her, ask her to come to meet you, and then call me back."_

_"Okay."_

_The line went dead and I sat there, getting myself together. Taking deep breaths and then I called Susan._

_"Santana?"_

_"Hi, Mom."_ I said, and then my voice was shaky, _"Are you b-busy?"_

_"Just folding some laundry. What is it? Are the kids okay?"_

_"Can you...come get me?"_

_"Okay."_ I heard her keys and then she let out a little hum. _"Where are you?"_

_"St. Andrews."_

_"Ok, sweetie, I'm on my way. Stay on the phone."_

**_She's got me on the phone until she gets here.-Santana_ **

**_Okay. Good. Text me and let me know you're safe-Cici_ **

Susan pulled up the wide path of the church and stopped her car just feet away from the front steps.

Once I was wrapped in her arms all of my shakings went away. She was a balm for whatever part of me that was feeling unhinged.

_"Just breathe, honey. I'm here."_

She held me for a long time and then she called Quinn, who had my kids, and asked her to pack them up and drop them off at her house in an hour.

* * *

Once I was in the car, Susan began to drive in the opposite direction of her house and out onto the highway.

_"Where are we going?"_

_"Just driving, honey."_

_"Okay."_

_"Do you want to tell me what you're carrying?"_

_"Aside from everything?"_

_"Santana, taking care of these babies isn't going to break you. I know, I did it and I know you. They are probably your saving grace. You might be tired but being a mom isn't going to be the thing that drives you back to drugs...unless...is it?"_

_"No. I am sober for them, they need me and I d-don't want to ever be without them again."_

_"That's what I thought."_

_"She..."_ I hesitated because I shouldn't be the one but it was weighing on me.

_"Brittany?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What about her?"_

_"She's pre-pregnant by HIM."_

Susan swerved and then she was using her blinker and pulling to the side of the highway.

_"Wow."_

_"I know."_

_"How are you?"_

_"Devastated but like a hy-hypocrite. She got on her knees and pr-practically begged me to help her through this...and I...I..."_ I turned towards the window and let the tears come.

_"Denied her?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Is it because of him?"_

_"He re-reminds me of M-Marco. I didn't want to t-tell her this but I...fuck...he sc-scares me."_

_"Is my baby in danger, Santana?"_

_"I don't think he'd h-hurt her. Not ph-physically."_

_"Oh, God."_

_"I'm sorry. I sh-should have told you sooner."_

_"No, she should have. This isn't your burden to carry."_

_"But she stepped up with the kids. Why can't I?"_

_"You feel guilty, have you talked to her about this?"_

_"No."_

_"Maybe you should, love."_ She pulled me into a hug and we cried together.

* * *

Susan insisted that I stay over with the kids for the night and just laying in a bed that still smelled faintly of my wife made the unrest in my belly settle.

Even at that moment, Britt unraveled my knots.

**_I miss you.-Ana_ **

I sent her a picture of me laying in her bed and her response was immediate.

**_We fell in love right in that spot-Britt_ **

**_Did we?-Ana_ **

**_Well I did.-Britt_ **

**_I miss you too-Britt_ **

**_Promise me that if he becomes like Marco you'll tell me?-Ana_ **

I stared at my phone so long that I fell asleep and didn't wake up until a weight settled next to me and began to purr.

 _"Eww, Tubbs!"_ I jumped back and the cat, I swear smirked at my discomfort.

I glanced at my phone and still had no response, which didn't sit right with me.

So I called her and immediately was forwarded to voicemail.

I was about to call the next best thing but then I heard a thump and a cry from across the hall.

 _"Shit!"_ I dropped the phone and sprinted across the hall to Court's room.

Isaac was sitting on the floor with his arms up, wailing. From the looks of it he had flipped out of the crib and he had a rug burn on his little chin. I kissed it and then sat there rocking him in my arms until he was calm.

Talk about a firm reminder of where my priorities needed to be at all times.

* * *

 _"Can I have them on weekends?"_ Susan asked me over waffles and the sound of Rob singing to the kids.

_"You can have them whenever you want."_

_"How about now?"_

_"We're already here."_

_"No. I mean, you go back to Sue's and let me have them for a few days. You'll get a break and can drop in at any time."_

_"Um...okay..."_

_"Do you need more time to pump?"_

_"Well, yeah, kinda. All of my re-reserve is at Sue's."_

_"Go ahead and feed her, then we can leave them with their Pop-Pop, I'll run you over there and you can send me back with whatever you need."_

_"Okay. We can do that."_

_"Thank you, Santana."_

_"Anytime. They are YOUR grandbabies."_

_"Damn right they are."_

I already felt much lighter with Susan knowing all the nonsense that was going on and when we headed to Sue's I clued her in on my texts with Britt the night before and she promised me that she'd call her until she got her on the phone.

And then, I gave her Ari's number and told her that she would make sure Britt got on the phone if push came to shove.

* * *

Being back at Sue's without the kids felt so weird.

She was out with Tor and I was left with a big old house to myself.

I did my usual thing when people left me with their shit, I went through it.

Only, I wasn't going to leave it everywhere, I at least just looked.

Then, when that proved super boring, I did a few more hours of school work before needing entertainment.

 _"I'm bored."_ I muttered to Q.

_"Did you do what Sandra asked yet?"_

_"No. I didn't want to bug you, I know how much you are enjoying being the only tenant."_

_"Well, as the only tenant in a free apartment, I have a few notes."_

_"Seriously, Q?"_

_"Uh, yes. There is a rodent or two. You also have chipping paint and my toilet only flushes liquids. I need to break into your apartment, the only one that isn't a shithole, mind you...just to take a shit."_

_"Oh gross."_

_"Yeah, so unless you are planning to be a slumlord, maybe come do something constructive and hire a super or something."_

_"I'm on my way."_

_"Great! Girls night in your place?"_

_"Sure, why not?"_

_"Are my babies still with Susan?"_

_"Um...yeah."_

_"Good. Get over here."_

_"A-Actually, I haven't gone to get my car at the house yet."_

_"I'll come to get you but you have got to push past this fear and drive already...you used to love driving."_

_"Things change."_

_"Apparently. I'll see you in ten, we can raid Sue's fridge since I'm low on junk food."_

_"She eats like a rabbit."_

_"Like hell she does, you just have to know where to look."_

And that's how we ended up going on an extensive search of Sue's office and found the fucking motherlode.

We kept flinching every time we heard a noise, of course, because Sue had conditioned us to have fear.

But fuck it.

I could never say no to Red Vines.

* * *

Sue gave me exactly one and half weeks before she got tired of seeing me being inactive and forced me to get the kids dressed, before dragging me out the door.

_"Looks like I have my work cut out for me! How did you get this out of shape Lopez...I'm shocked."_

I was bent over at the edge of the track after running only one mile.

 _"Well, coach..."_ I choked back a breath " _I had two st-strokes...I had a kid...I had surgery on my heart...and I am a re-recovering drug addict."_

 _"Which is why I thought you would be skinnier."_ she barked at me as she held my son in her arms. _"I know you relapsed with food, I won't badger you about your pudge. I'm disappointed that you're this jacked up after a year!"_

 _"I don't need this pressure, Sue."_ I said curtly as I gulped down the water.

_"Actually you do, that's why you are here, if you wanted to be coddled you would be back in New York or with your mother."_

I stood there looking at her feeling a bit shell-shocked.

_"Tor...get down here and remind Santana here how to run this track."_

Tor stood from the bottom bleacher and handed me, Daniela, before leaning over and stretching.

 _"Don't let her fool you, Ana, she is just as excited to have you here as you are to be here...she missed you,"_ Tor said before standing up and looking at her adoptive mother. _"Be nice, Sue." S_ he said with a smirk before taking off around the track at a speed that was fast but not faster than my fastest.

_"I know you think you can outrun her, Lopez, and maybe at some point you could but right now...you aren't running half as fast as you used to. You're not in good shape."_

_"How do I get back there? What's it going to take?"_

_"Stop carrying that extra weight around."_ She said as she shifted Isaac to her other hip and turned to glare at me. Only she wasn't glaring, she looked genuinely concerned.

_"I'm trying."_

_"I'm not talking about the fat...I can get that off you. What I'm talking about is you carrying around Brittany. You have to stop worrying about her."_

_"I'm here, aren't I?"_ I crossed my arms over my chest and glared.

_"Maybe physically. Look, Lopez...I know this is difficult for you. I do care about my trinity. It kills me to see you all at odds. This though...can't be fixed unless you stop depending so much on Brittany."_

_"I'm not!"_ I said, rolling my eyes.

_"You are and you know it._

_"She has a drive...that's why she lasted as a Cheerio. Nothing stands in that girl's way. Nothing. You could learn something from that."_

_"I don't think I have ever heard anyone say that about Britt. I mean she almost flunked her senior year."_ I tried to argue.

_"But she didn't...she knew that you and the baby needed her so she got it together and graduated."_

_"You're right."_

_"Of course I am...now...why don't you take your son here and walk around the track...at his pace...I see we are going to have to build up your stamina."_

She put Isaac down and then took Daniela from me. It somehow wasn't as weird as I thought it would be to see her with my kids. It seemed like a softer side of her appeared. I'm sure this what it was like when her sister was still alive.

_"You got it, coach."_

* * *

She smiled as she headed over to the bleachers with the baby. Tor was still running as if this is what she did all day, every day. I held onto Isaac's little hand and began to walk with him. I heard footsteps coming up behind me and went to move but they slowed and fell in step with me.

 _"Mind if I walk with you?"_ Tor said as she readjusted her ponytail.

_"I'd like that actually."_

I definitely needed to catch up with her. She had gotten shoved to the back burner when all that shit went down back in September. At least Sal made sure she went somewhere safe.

I couldn't think of anyone that would protect Ian's little sister like Sue could...not even me.

_"So...have you thought of going by the cemetery?"_

Wow.

_"No...actually...I haven't. I w-wasn't sure if I could handle it."_

_"I get that."_

_"Have you been?"_

_"A few times but not too much. Sue wants me to focus on living in the present."_

_"Yeah...listen to her."_ I looked at her and could see her nod. _"Sue is a major part of why I even survived to graduation. She's a hard ass...but she's amazing."_

_"I was so freaked when your lawyer told me that she was hoping to adopt me. I was like...oh crap...but then I thought about it...she's a lot like you were in high school and I actually like you. So I gave it a shot. She's been nothing but awesome. She's tough on me and doesn't cut me any slack but, I also know that I can trust her with everything. I talk to her about everything and she puts school Sue aside."_

_"I know what you mean."_

_"Look...I know that you weren't like in love with my brother or anything...but I was wondering...um...did you love him at all?"_

_"Of course. Yes! I loved Ian so much and I tried to be in love with him...but I'm gay and I'm in love with Brittany...hopelessly so."_

_"Yea...that's what I thought...I just had to ask. I mean you did get pregnant by him...twice which means you had to have slept with him at least that much."_

_"Me and your brother...it was complicated. He loved me...he was in love with me. He decided that he was before I met him. When I found that out...I used it against him. He should have hated me but he didn't. He just kept right on loving me. And when I used him again...he was still there. So when I went to him and asked him to get me pregnant...again. He didn't even question my motives. He just looked at me straight in the eyes and told me that he would give me whatever I wanted. I hated myself afterward because the look in his eyes was always one of longing and I just kept on tormenting him...dangling love in front of him and then running back to Brittany."_

_"Why?"_ I heard the sniffle and looked over at her.

My heart dropped. Her whole face was red and wet with tears.

_"I was stupid. I mean...I don't regret my kids...I love them. I love having a piece of him with me. He was...is...my guardian angel. I wish that I could have fallen in love with him. I really do."_

_"If Brittany has hurt you so much why do you keep going back to her? My brother would have never hurt you."_

_"For the same reason that Ian kept coming back to me."_

_"And that is?"_

_"It's better to have her in some capacity than to not have her at all. Simple as that."_

_"That's crazy."_

_"Love is crazy...you'll see. The heart wants what it wants and you can fool yourself with all the beards and sex that you want but at the end of the day nothing matters but being with that person that makes your heart happy."_

* * *

_"Do you blame yourself for his death?"_

_"I do."_

_"So does my mom...but can I tell you...that Ian...he had a lot of demons and I don't think you could have saved him. I think that you prolonged his life for that extra year but in the end, there was nothing anyone could have done."_

_"Why do you think that?"_

_"Because this wasn't the first time he attempted suicide...this was just the first time that he was successful."_

I stopped walking and felt my heart thudding in my throat.

_"What?"_

She turned around and grabbed Isaac's hand and pulled him along. He looked up at me and I nodded and began to walk with them.

 _"Walk, Mami?"_ he said softly.

_"Yes, Papa, walking."_

_"Nice."_ he said before laughing to himself.

_"The night of the party...before Azimio made him go...he had tried to down a whole bunch of pills but I caught him when he had already taken about four...he still had a handful. When he saw my face...he stopped and that's when Azimio showed up."_

_"Wow."_

_"Then after that...the night you called Azimio...and told him about the baby...just before then, my mother had found him with that gun and put him out of the house. He ended up at Azimio's and that's when you called."_

_"After that?"_

_"He didn't try again until that day...when you were around...he didn't look the same...he was happy...he had a purpose. You and Isaac. When he found out about the new baby, he was so thrilled...but then that stuff happened and he couldn't take it anymore."_

_"What stuff? What happened just before then?"_

_"A lot happened."_

_"Tell me Tor, please?"_ I looked over at her and could see that this was really hard for her.

_"He found out...that...Uncle Thomas...my father...was his father too."_

_"No."_ I whispered as I stopped again. This time though I scooped up Isaac and walked slowly back towards the bleachers.

 _"Santana?"_ I stopped where I was and turned back towards Ian's little sister. She looked at me with a hurt expression. _"That doesn't make a difference right? I'm not diseased because of who my father is...so neither was Ian, right?"_ she was begging me to help her through one of the biggest struggles in her life.

She regretted being the spawn of that man but she had always known so for her it wasn't the end of the world but Ian worshiped his father and his Da. This broke his heart. He couldn't deal with that kind of truth.

 _"It was too heavy for him but no...you aren't diseased. We can't help who our parents are. You aren't diseased Tor."_ I was back in front of her and was walking again with an arm thrown over her shoulders.

_"You mean that?"_

_"I do. You are not diseased."_

_"That's good to hear."_

_"So is it true? Is Thomas his father?"_

_"No."_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"After he died my mom admitted that she was just trying to make him upset."_

_"Well, she succeeded. Didn't she?"_

_"A little too well."_

_"I second that."_

* * *

I was putting Isaac down for the night and was preparing to feed the baby when my phone rang. I wasn't going to answer it but at the last second, I decided that I should.

It was Quinn.

 _"You know it's bedtime right?"_ I said as I got the baby situated.

_"This is important."_

_"How important?"_

_"Britt's here."_

_"What?"_ I froze and looked around as if she was going to materialize out of the wallpaper. _"Where is she, at her mom's?"_

_"No...she's literally here at the apartment. She's downstairs in the parking lot with Rachel."_

_"You're kidding."_

_"I wish I was. She's looking for you. Apparently, nobody will tell her where you are. She's gone to your sisters, your mom, her mom, and now she is looking for me...but I haven't seen her yet. I was at the top of the steps when she showed up. Rachel texted me to stay upstairs and call you. She's stalling her. Tell me what to do."_

_"Tell her where I am."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Look, Sue is here...nothing is going to happen."_

_"I'm not sure about this...I mean...you ended up in that coma and we were just a few feet away from you."_

_"Trust me, I think we are p-past that."_

_"I do trust you, you know that but we both know how unpredictable she can be."_

_"Unless she is pissed off, she probably just needs to t-talk."_

_"Then why didn't she text you back."_

The baby began to whine and I just couldn't worry about this. B had been fine back in New York.

And Sue wouldn't let her hurt me, that I was sure of.

_"Call me back later, okay. I need to get this baby to sleep. She's glaring at me."_

_"Alright. I'll call back when she leaves."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"Anything for you, San. Bye."_

* * *

Since she didn't nap all day, Daniela fell asleep insanely fast, thank goodness. I put her to bed in the nursery and then while clutching my phone, I made a stop by Sue's office.

 _"Coach?"_ I knocked.

 _"Come in."_ I was gazing around the room, taking in the trophy's and nearly forgot what I came in for. _"What's wrong? Sandbags?!"_

My attention snapped back to her and I sighed heavily before dropping into the recliner.

_"Britt's in town...she's c-coming to see me."_

_"When?"_

_"Now."_

_"Unacceptable. She can't just drop in on you like this on her schedule. You will never gain the upper hand if you allow her to just show up here. Have I taught you nothing?"_

_"I'm tired, coach. I don't want the upper hand. I just want to get back to being fr-friends."_

_"If you want her long term this is not the way to do it."_

_"She's already on her way."_

_"Then I'm going to sit in the room. When she gets here...you bring her in here."_

_"Okay."_

_"I mean it."_

_"Okay!"_

* * *

It was awkward as Britt followed me into Sue's office.

_"Sit."_

Sue stood by the door and gestured towards the couch that she had just been sitting on.

I sat down in one of the corners and Britt tried to sit right next to me but Sue glared at her until she moved over to the other end of the couch. I folded my feet up onto the couch and grabbed a pillow to hold in my lap.

Sue shut the office door and then sat in the recliner and turned the tv back on but turned it low. She was at least pretending to look away from us even though I knew she was watching closely.

 _"Is she going to leave?"_ Britt whispered to me.

I shook my head and then began to play with the tassels on the pillow.

 _"Why are you here, B?"_ I said looking at her with my best bitch smirk.

_"I wanted to see you."_

_"And the kids?"_ I felt my eyebrow raise.

 _"Yea...and the k-kids."_ she stuttered out.

_"Don't lie to me."_

_"Fine...I didn't come to see them...I'm an asshole. I get it. I came to see you. I needed my best friend. No strings attached."_

_"Our relationship...has never been w-without strings attached, B. You know that."_

_"Can we talk alone?"_

I went to answer but Sue slammed down her remote on the side table.

 _"Do you really think that's wise, Brittany? Did you not just get physical with her just a week ago with a baby in her arms?"_ Sue was glaring and Britt was glaring back at her.

I looked down at the pillow and avoided both of their glares.

_"You're not my coach anymore...you don't scare me."_

_"Hogwash! The fear in you is so deep-seated that you are shaking at the sound of my voice alone! I own your fear!"_ I glanced up and true to the fact, Britt was shaking slightly.

_"I-I didn't mean it..."_

_"I'm sure you didn't mean to put her in a coma either."_

_"I didn't."_

_"Answer her question and then leave,"_ Sue said calmly as she sat back down and picked up her remote. _"And Lopez, lift your head for God's sake!"_

I snapped my head up and saw Britt's blue eyes staring through to my soul.

_"He broke up with me. He and Dionne aren't sister and brother...they are a couple. It was too late to fire them...my bosses would have fired me if they knew I had been sleeping with him and that I...am...you know..."_

_"Okay? So...let me get this right...you came all the way here to tell me that? For what reason?"_

_"I want to work stuff out."_

_"Then work it out."_

_"With you."_

_"No."_

She sat there with that puppy dog face and just looked at me in shock.

 _"What do you mean, no?"_ she said as she clenched her fists.

_"No, Brittany. I'm not letting you back."_

_"Why not? You're my wife."_

_"It's over Britt. Go back to New York."_

_"I can't...I used my last bit of money to get here...Sandra had Sal...take me off the account."_

_"Good."_

_"How can you be so cold? After everything that I have done for you?"_ she was now standing over me, thrusting her finger towards my face and yelling. I didn't move a muscle as I looked up at her.

We had been here before...I wasn't afraid of her.

 _"You make it easy, Britt."_ I said as I slowly stood to my feet. I hadn't been paying attention but Sue had because, by the time that I was on my feet, Sue had Britt's arm in her hand. She had caught her mid-swing.

 _"You need to leave."_ She growled at Brittany.

 _"Gladly."_ She turned and made her way towards the door but I was faster this time. I was in front of her now and was cornering her against the door.

Deja vu...except this time...I was in control.

_"Listen up good, Brittany. You try th-that shit one more time and you will never see me or those kids again, got it?"_

_"Yeah, right."_

_"You can pretend all you want that it doesn't matter to you but I kn-know that we mean the world to you."_

_"Then why won't you take me back?"_ she looked defeated now.

_"If you were me...would you take me back?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Bullshit. I'm not your consolation prize. It's me and me alone or you can just f-forget about us."_

_"What about the kids?"_

_"My kids?"_

_"Our kids."_

_"When it suits you, they're yours? Y-You can be a fucking cunt all you want with me, B...but when it comes to those innocent babies...you will not be in and out of their lives. In OR out...that's it. I re-refuse to have them go through that kind of thing. I can do this on my own, I don't need you."_

_"But you want me? Still...right?"_

_"Not off your meds, not up and down. Not when you can't stay out of other people's beds!."_

_"You're one to talk, you don't think I know about you and Sugar? Again?"_

_"Don't."_ I snapped.

_"Why, don't like being confronted with the truth?"  
_

_"I never said that I was perfect. L-Look at our track records, B. I fucked around with Ian while you fucked around with Frankie...but once I found out I was pregnant and you and I fixed us...I was faithful."_

_"Sure."_ She rolled her eyes.

_"I stayed faithful wh-while you still fucked Frankie and Rachel. I came out of that coma and still came back to you. That shit with Quinn...was a fucking mistake. I apologized for it...I nearly died over it. You have no fucking remorse. You fuck who you want and can still do it over and over without thought of me or the kids. Your kids!"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Not good enough."_

_"What do I need to do?"_

_"You need to leave. I need to give my children a peaceful environment. I need to surround them with happiness and love."_

_"I can give you that."_

_"No...you can't. You're fucking delusional if you believe that! Now, Go."_

_"Please, Ana."_

_"Just...please...go."_

I reached around her and pulled the door handle. She looked at me with that sad look in her eyes but I wasn't buying it. I needed to get away from her. I needed to fight for myself and my kids. I was done fighting with Brittany.

I was done being an easy out for her.

If she wanted to be back in our lives...then she was going to have to become someone that we could depend on.

She definitely wasn't there yet.

* * *

I'd finally gotten my car and I was driving!

It felt like freedom and I may have slammed on the brake too hard a few times but I got the hang of it.

After the night before with Britt, I needed to process my shit and who better to help me with that than Q.

Only she wasn't at the apartments.

So I went to the only other place that she'd be.

The kids were secure with Sue and Tor, so I drove to the other side of town to Berry's house, only to nearly blind myself with Quinn going down on Berry in the back seat of her car.

I wasn't going to cockblock so I found myself trying to plug my ears while sitting on the front step.

_"Oh God, so amazing...so amazing...oh God...yes!"_

I felt like I was going to pass out from disgust.

_"Right...Oh...how are you sooooooo...ugh...unh...gooooooood!"_

I had my hands over my ears and was humming but it just continued for another five minutes.

 _"Damnit Berry, just cum already."_ I muttered.

Almost as if she heard me, I heard her shriek out and then there was silence.

 _"Oh thank you, sweet baby Jesus!"_ I said as I stood to my feet and climbed up onto the porch and sat on the swing. I really didn't want any flashes of Berry when she opened the car door.

I sat there another few minutes knowing that Quinn always likes to get off last but she was quick if you knew how to do it right and when I heard that telltale grunt a few minutes later, I knew that Rachel did indeed know what she was doing.

I'm not surprised.

Fucking perfectionist!

 _"Where are you San...no one in this neighborhood has a silver BMW?"_ I heard Quinn say loudly.

I chuckled to myself and stood to my feet.

 _"See I told you I heard footsteps."_ Quinn said as she pulled Rachel up onto the porch.

 _"Why don't you head in and get cleaned up...I can w-wait."_ I smirked at Berry and then followed them inside. _"Nice to see you, by the way, Rachel. Staying sober?"_

As upset as I had been when I got to the house, this somehow made me feel a shitload better.

She nodded her head and looked up at me with a questioning eye.

_"How about you...these first couple weeks are hard...you okay?"_

_"I'm trying to be...I need to process I guess. I hope you don't mind?"_ I said as I sat on her living room couch.

_"No...of course not...just...we will be right back."_

_"No sex in the shower...I do have kids to get back to."_ I said as they walked up the stairs.

 _"Fuck you San."_ Quinn called down.

 _"Not again, thanks!"_ I winked before sitting back and checking my messages.

* * *

**_Ur right. I wouldn't take me back if I were you.-Britt_ **

**_In town for the next 2 weeks. Can we start w/ lunch? Brdstx?-Britt_ **

**_I'm really sorry about this. I do love the kids. I miss them so much! :(-Britt_ **

**_I'm at my parents', btw. I can't go back to NY w/ things like this. :/-Britt_ **

I didn't want to do it at first but I couldn't just leave this hanging.

She had to know that I was absolutely serious.

**_Lunch is too much right now. Even if it is Breadstix. Think smaller. Church?-Ana_ **

I got an immediate response.

**_When?-Britt_ **

**_Tomorrow night. Wed mass. As usual.-Ana_ **

**_I'll b there.-Britt_ **

**_OK.-Ana_ **

**_I love you-Britt_ **

**_Prove it.-Ana_ **

* * *

Before I could even react, Quinn had snatched my phone from me and was reading my messages.

_"What happened?"_

_"You were right...she tried to hit me...with Sue right there."_

_"I knew it!"_

_"Sue stopped her."_

_"Of course she did! No one has reflexes faster than her."_

_"I'm glad."_

_"So you are inviting her to church?"_

_"To mass...and I won't be alone. Her mom and you will both be there. She won't be able to touch me."_

_"Damn straight."_

_"I'll be there too."_

Rachel came into the room with a tray and set it on the coffee table.

 _"Always the perfect hostess, Berry?"_ I arched my eyebrow at her.

_"There is nothing more comforting than warm tea and cookies. You did something major for me the day you talked me into rehab, what kind of person would I be if I wasn't courteous in your time of need?"_

I laughed, long and loud and it felt good.

 _"Oh, God...I have so missed you!"_ I slapped a hand over my mouth but it was too late.

I had already said it and now she was throwing herself in my arms just like Britt used to do and hugging me tightly.

_"You have no idea how much your friendship means to me, Santana."_

_"I think I do."_ I squeaked out as I tried to breathe.

Quinn pushed at Rachel's shoulders, thankfully.

_"That's enough Rach...she gets it. Remember our talk?"_

_"Oh right...clinginess isn't appreciated by the masses. Sorry."_ She stood up and began to fill our cups as I shook out my arms which had been pinned to my sides.

 _"It's okay Q, it's not like I haven't been hugged like that before."_ I muttered as I shrugged out of my jacket and accepted the mug that was being handed to me.

_"So what happened?"_

By the time that I got back to Sue's, I was dragging from processing my feelings with the greatest processor of them all.

Rachel Berry of course...so even though I had to be a victim of her moans while Quinn went to town on her, it was well worth it because I left the house feeling like I was handling things with Brittany correctly.

Sue was right, I couldn't let Britt back into my world too easily and while I'm sure she wouldn't agree with me inviting her to church, I had taken control right?

I mean I turned down Breadstix!

That's a huge sacrifice!

* * *

**_August 12th, 2013_ **

**_Hi Henry!_ **

**_I know that I haven't written since I left rehab but I'm back now so that's good right?_ **

**_So much has happened since then, so much is still happening._ **

**_I'm happy right now at this moment though, because I had plenty of opportunities just now to go get drugs but I didn't._ **

**_Instead of getting high, I processed! I'm so proud of myself right now, Henry. I'm sure you are too!_ **

**_At this moment...I know that I can make it through this._ **

**_Sobriety is mine if I want it and I still do! I'm going to my first N.A. meeting tomorrow night, I'm super nervous but I'm not going alone...Sue is going with me._ **

**_That's cool, right?_ **

**_Anyway, Sue is taking me for a run at sunrise...like cheer camp all over again...so I have to get some sleep._ **

**_I hope that I can keep this feeling, that I have right now._ **

**_Pray for me?_ **

**_Santana_ **


	5. I Care About You (Babyface)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Meet me on the porch."_ I had been falling asleep when I got a call from Sugar, she said the one sentence and then hung up on me.

I checked in on the kids and then crept out downstairs. It was the middle of the night but Sugar hadn't really been demanding of my time, we'd hooked up twice now but after she told me about her feelings for Carmen, I've backed off.

But her calling me like that, sounding so serious had me curious.

When I stepped out onto the porch, she was leaning against the railing, dressed in all black without any make-up on.

_"Hey...you okay?"_

_"She called."_

_"Oh yeah?"_

_"I'm going to ask you for something and I need you to say yes."_

_"As long as it's not about d-drugs."_

_"Santana, please."_

_"That's my line...I won't comp...compromise myself or my family."_

She sighed.

_"This isn't for me, it's for Carmen."_

_"Who is a recovering addict."_ I reminded her and she sighed, rubbing at her face a bit, and then she stepped closer, her arms wrapping around me in a hug. When she pressed her face against my neck, I could feel how wet it was. _"Sugar...you're freaking me out. W-What is it?"_

She pulled out a brown-bag...I had seen ones like it hundreds of times, they usually held a lot of coke. I froze as she held it between us.

Then she looked into my eyes.

_"You were in Nico's will, we were supposed to protect you and the kids at all costs. You've had protection for over a year, even if you didn't know. I need to go underground with Carmen...with...my resources."_

_"Okay."_

She shoved the bag into my hands but shoved it back. _"Sugar, no."_

_"Please, I don't have time, just get rid of this for me and put the money in the account that you shared with my pop. The one they can't touch. Please?"_

_"I c-can't, do you know what this o-opens me up for? Please don't do this."_ I felt desperate.

 _"If I don't go now, they find her and her son...you're the reason Nico is dead."_ She growled, _"You sent him to his death, are you going to do that to Carmen and your godson? You owe us, Santana and you're going to pay your debts. We had fun but now, shit is getting real. When you were in need, Pop flipped that money for you even though that coke belonged to Carmen. This is all that I have, to replace what I took. I didn't need to do this for you but I'm sweet on you, so flip it, fast. Once I leave, the cops will start sniffing around."_

The words hit me hard.

And then the memories of Nico came flooding back, the way he cared for me when I came to him, the way he had seen my panic and gone to settle things with Mr. Evans, only to get shot. I thought of the way that the cops in this town took pleasure in putting me in jail...then I got beat up.

Months of remembering bits and pieces were hitting me now as remembered the more traumatizing moments of the last two years.

Her dad had flipped coke for me and delivered that three million to me in days...without question, she was right, I owed them.

So, despite my reservations, I took the bag.

 _"We are done. Don't ever contact me af-after this."_ I growled at her.

 _"I know."_ She actually looked sad about that. Her hand smelled like honey and cinnamon as she caressed my cheek. _"Thank you for this...take care of yourself, stay clean. Please?"_

I kissed her palm and she stepped in closer but I took a step back.

 _"I could just give you the money. Please d-don't mix me up in this shit?"_ I begged.

_"No. That's the only account no one can touch but you and pop. This has to stay under wraps. I've already gotten the info, I cleared out the account, this is your repayment."_

_"That was three million dollars!"_ I said, astonished.

 _"I know, right there in your hands is double that if you're smart and I know you are. I've been here too long, that's hot, flip it fast."_ And then she left me standing there with a heavy brick of cocaine.

As if my last few days hadn't been shitty enough, now this.

* * *

My first instinct when I was standing there was to go to the cops but with my history, I knew that they'd want to know more than I was willing to tell. With a sigh, I turned back towards the house, and there standing in the doorway was Tor.

She was watching me wide-eyed and I felt nauseous as I looked into those eyes that were so much like Ian's and Isaac's.

Fuck.

 _"Are you okay?"_ She whispered to me and then looked down at the bag that I was holding.

"Not sure."

_"Was that Sugar?"_

_"Yeah...what are you d-doing up?"_

_"Izzy was_ _whining and so I rubbed his back until he fell back asleep. You weren't in your room, so I came down here to look for you."_

How much had she seen?

 _"Is he okay?"_ I asked.

_"Oh yeah, no wheezing, I think it was a bad dream."_

_"Thanks."_

_"No problem...do you want to go to the den and talk about that."_ She said, sounding older than she actually was.

 _"I...don't know."_ I admitted with a shrug.

_"Do you want me to wake Sue?"_

Oh God, that might be worse.

_"Maybe? I don't kn-know if I can handle her at the moment."_

_"Can I hold that for you?"_

I looked down at the bag that I had a white-knuckled grip on and really wanted to not hand Ian's little sister a brick of cocaine but it was probably in better hands with her.

 _"Just for now."_ I said and then shoved it at her. She handed me the baby monitor and the sound of Isaac's little snores snapped me into the present.

I was salivating over that coke...shaking and calculating how much I could shave off the top.

This was bad.

God help me.

Please.

Please.

It was just too fucking much.

* * *

I followed Tor blindly towards Sue's den that doubled as her office. I walked over towards the back wall, my hands in tight fists as I tried to calm myself down.

The room was full of trophies and Cheerio pics on every surface it seemed.

 _"I'm going to grab some ice cream do you want any?"_ Tor said as she stood in the doorway, the bag still in her hands. I was anxious about her walking around with that but she wasn't a dummy.

I just shook my head, _"No thanks...something about this room makes me want to do the opposite of eating._ " I tried to joke as I fingered a trophy that I remembered executing a perfect somersault for.

 _"So two scoops then."_ She said, _"I'm going to tell Sue, she's gonna be better at handling this than me...okay?"_

I nodded and moved over the back wall, unconcerned with Sue being involved. Frankly, if I didn't want Sue to know, I wouldn't have come back inside. I stopped short when I saw, right in the center, there was a picture of me, Quinn, and Britt hugging Sue after we won Nationals in Freshman year.

There was a sparkle in our eyes. We all looked so happy, none of us knowing that the rest of high school would be filled with so much struggle. Between the three of us there were three teen pregnancies, drug addiction, physical abuse, and attempted murder.

At that point in my life, while I stood there happily, I had already been raped and had miscarried.

So maybe I should have known back then that there was darkness ahead for me but I thought it was all behind me. The two blondes hugging me tight, surely thought their futures were bright.

We were so naive.

Nothing was the same after this picture.

 _"It's hard to believe this was just five years ago."_ I mumbled to myself.

 _"Ahh, my trinity at its purest."_ I froze when Sue came to stand beside me as I traced a finger over Britt's face. _"Tor woke me up, gave me your bag. We'll talk about that once we have a moment alone, in the meantime, I put it in a safe place."_

I just nodded but didn't acknowledge her words out loud, instead I focused on that sparkle in our eyes.

_"Do you think that we could ever be this happy again?"_

_"You see the person in the center?"_

_"Me?"_

_"The center of their universe. If you can get back there then things will eventually fall in line. You were the anchor of my team. What Berry was for that glee club you were for those girls."_

_"So you think if I get back to that happy place that Britt will magically become less abusive? That my marriage will be saved...that my a-addiction would simply disappear?"_

_"Screw your marriage, first you need to work on fixing your friendship and staying healthy."_

_"How?"_

_"Well...last I checked you are all terribly out of shape...how about getting back to a morning run for all of you."_

_"A common enemy."_

_"Happily so, a common enemy breeds camaraderie."_ Sue smiled and then headed back out of the room. _"Oh and enjoy the ice cream because in the morning we run ten miles!"_

 _"I'm tired already!"_ I laughed as Tor came into the room and handed me a mountain of chocolate ice cream.

 _"Goodnight."_ She said and then she was gone.

* * *

Tor and I stayed up for about an hour, I told her about the glory days of high school, my mood shifted. The heaviness that Sugar had dropped on me was a little lighter. Dr. Clover had told me to lean on my network and where that used to mean my sisters and my mom...and the trinity, now that extended to Sue and Tor.

I should have gone to bed sooner but sleep wasn't going to come to me with so much in my head. Even after we headed to bed, I laid there staring at the ceiling thinking about what my next move was.

Before I could fall asleep, the baby was crying for me.

With her tucked against my boob, I sat on the window seat and watched the sunrise over Lima. I wondered if Sugar had left town right away or if she was a mile away, sleeping in her animal furs and enjoying the fact that she had offloaded her drugs on me.

Bitch.

Once the baby was finished and I had her in a fresh diaper, she burped and went right back to sleep.

Lucky duck.

Sue texted me as I was putting her back down.

_**Tori will stay with the kids, we leave in 5 mins-Coach** _

I kissed Isaac's sleeping face and nearly laughed out loud when Tor came into the room with a pillow and blanket.

 _"Have a good run."_ She mumbled before camping out in the glider between the cribs.

_"Thanks for this."_

_"Mmmhmm...shhh...go."_ She muttered and closed her eyes.

I met Sue at the bottom of the stairs and she shoved my water bottle into my hands.

_"Let's chat."_

I sat in her passenger seat moments later as we made our way towards the school. She was silent until we were parked across from my apartment building.

_"Tell me about what happened last night."_

I clutched the water bottle as I ran down Sugar's visit and how I tried hard to resist taking the coke.

_"She made me feel g-guilty for everything."_

_"And?"_

_"What do you mean, and? She was right."_

_"And what do you plan to do about that giant brick of cocaine in my house?"_

_"I would say turn it over to the c-cops..."_ She scoffed.

_"So they can finally have something to tie you to the Motta's? No."_

_"What should I do then? I want my m-money back."_

_"I know a guy. I can make it disappear but in return, I'm going to need a favor."_

_"You and everybody else."_

_"Create a trust for Tori. I want her to be independently wealthy when her slimeball parents get out. She should never feel pressured to go back to them for any reason. It's not like you were doing anything with that money. Your kids are set and so are you."_

_"Okay. If you f-flip it for me, Tor can have the money. I'd r-rather not have any drug money. Let it be used for good."_

_"Do you want any of it back?"_

_"Not a cent. Give her what you think will be good, she can also have the c-car I gave to Ian. The title was in his name. If there is an issue go to Sal."_

_"Done. Let's put this behind us, you forget that sleazeball family and focus on your health."_

_"Okay."_

_"Now get out and stretch, I have some bimbos to rip out of bed."_

_"Thanks, coach."_

Doc was right, sometimes letting other people carry my burden was way more important than my pride.

Expectation managed.

Right now, I just needed to stretch, to run.

To focus.

* * *

While Sue went off to rouse the rest of the trinity, I stretched out my back and legs and then did a jog in place to get myself ready. While I was winding down, I heard lazy footsteps making their way towards me.

I didn't bother looking up.

 _"Hey, butthead."_ I looked up finally and saw Quinn looking at me with tired eyes. _"You couldn't have given me the heads up that Sue was going to show up and put a bull horn in my face?"_ she said as she sat next to me and began stretching. _"How did she even know I was at Rachel's?"_

 _"Where is she?"_ I asked as I looked behind her.

_"She literally shoved me out of the car and kept driving...I think she's gonna go get Britt."_

_"I think you're right."_

_Quinn began stretching and then took a long sip of my water._

_"I hope y-your lips are clean." I muttered._

_"She at least let me brush my teeth." Quinn said and then went back to doing high kicks before doing side crunches and moving in my line of sight. "So, w_ _hat is this...some sort of Cheerios reunion?"_ Quinn sounded more tired than bitter. Working out was something that she really enjoyed so I knew that she was just grumpy without her morning pick me up.

_"A trinity reunion. She thinks that we need to rebuild our friendship."_

_"Right...Trinity sticks together."_

_"Today at least. L-Last night..."_ I started to say but stopped when there was a loud screech of tires and we looked towards the sound. The roar of an engine was coming right at us and then, like she owned the place, Sue drove up onto the football field.

 _"She's insane."_ Quinn muttered as she moved to stand directly next to me.

She rested her head on my shoulder and closed her eyes.

This had the potential to go to shit if Sue didn't play this right. When I saw Sue get out of the car and then go around to the other side and rip the door open, I started walking towards the car. The fact that B hadn't gotten out on her own was NOT a good sign. She went on runs for fun but she was also pregnant and I knew firsthand how exhausted that made you, especially if the morning sickness was bad.

_"Hey...warning next time!"_

By moving so quickly, Quinn had nearly toppled over, I just rolled my eyes and pulled on her arm.

_"Time to w-wake up Lucy Q... let's go get our third before Sue kills her."_

* * *

Brittany stood next to the car in her duck shorts and a skimpy tank top. Her hair was all over her head and when she looked at me I could see that she had obviously spent the whole night crying or sick.

Even with everything, I still felt sympathy.

It made me sad when Britt wasn't herself.

How was Susan now that she was seeing Britt up close?

Sue looked smug but the look in Britt's eyes was one I recognized, she was about to implode.

 _"Sorry I took so long...had to make sure crazy bones, here, took her meds."_ Sue said as she reached in her car and grabbed her bullhorn.

 _"Great. Let's get this over with."_ Quinn said as she turned around and headed towards the track. _"Come on ladies...the sooner we get to running, the sooner we can go back to bed."_

_"I second that."_

I followed Quinn as she fell back into the role of head cheerleader.

 _"Get to moving your ass, Brittany!"_ Sue yelled through the bullhorn.

 _"I don't need this...I'm already in shape! I dance every damned day! I'm tired!"_ she whined. _"I feel too sick for this. Please, don't make me do this! I'm...just too tired."_

_"And yet you still had enough energy to nearly strike Lopez...let's go! Move your ass!"_

_"This is ridiculous."_

_"You want to know what's ridiculous? You turning into a violent little twat, that's what's ridiculous!"_

My jaw dropped open but I didn't say anything...because I kind of agreed with her.

_"Come on, S. If Britt sees of running, maybe she'll run too."_

* * *

I started slow, trying my best to build up a good pace, and even though Sue was still yelling at Britt through her bullhorn like a maniac. I looked to the side as I began to round the track and could see that Britt was now laying across the track and refusing to move.

Quinn had stopped and was trying to talk to her but she wouldn't budge.

I was still half the track away and didn't want to turn back because it would mess up my count but I knew that I needed to stop Sue because Britt was not going to be receptive to this kind of thing.

Yelling always made her retreat into herself which was why Quinn knelt next to her trying to talk to her quietly.

I stopped short as I cut across the field and stood next to Sue.

 _"Can I borrow that?"_ I held my hand out and Sue reluctantly handed me her prized bullhorn. She was showing me trust after my honesty the night before and I knew she'd be pissed but she would just have to get over it, I took it and threw it as far as I could so that it landed in the center of the field. Thank God for track and field because it went further than I thought it would.

_"Are you kidding me, Lopez?!"_

_"It's not h-helping, Sue. So either run with us or go sit in the car."_

She looked at me in anger but then brought her hands up and clapped slowly as she looked at me with pride.

 _"That's the spirit. I know you needed a win but don't ever do that again, Lopez. Today you get a pass."_ She said before storming off towards her bullhorn.

 _"Get up B."_ I said as I crossed my hands over my swollen boobs. It was almost feeding time and I really wanted to get back to the baby before she got too fussy.

 _"No."_ She said as she pressed her face further into the clay.

_"Why not?"_

She rolled on her back and looked up at me with wet eyes. _"I just don't want to do this."_

_"I heard that but why?"_

_"We aren't this magical trinity anymore...we are all screwed up...I've been so sick and tired. We are all too messed up to fix."_

_"How's that anything new?"_ Quinn said hoarsely.

_"If we are supposed to grow up and fix ourselves separately...how can we do that if I am forced to be around not just one but both of you."_

_"You said you wanted to fix this."_ I said as I moved my hands to my hips in annoyance.

_"I do."_

_"If you are willing to fix this then you will do whatever it takes. I happen to agree with this. Sue isn't asking for side splits or for us to form a fucking pyramid. She just wants us to run together."_ Quinn sighed, looking frustrated.

_"Yeah, B, we can run like we used to...back before I got pregnant...re-remember? Back when you and I were a duo within our little threesome. So why can't you do that...why can't you be serious about fixing this?"_

She was sitting up now and looking at me with more focused eyes.

Her meds had kicked in.

That's what I had been waiting for.

_"I do want to fix this, Ana but-"_

_"No buts...just do it then."_

I put my hand out to her so that I could help her to her feet and the moment that she took my hand, I unexpectedly flinched.

What the actual fuck?

She noticed.

Quinn noticed.

Hell...I'm sure Sue even noticed.

Was I scared of her?

* * *

Once Britt was on her feet, she stretched her arms and then stepped into my personal space.

 _"Is this okay?"_ She asked.

 _"What?"_ I whispered back.

And Quinn knowing that we needed a second took a step back.

_"Me running, it's not going to hurt me, right?"_

And then the lightbulb of what she meant went on.

 _"Oh, yeah, of course, running is okay just take your time."_ I said and she nodded.

Then she sprinted off without another word and not to be outdone, Quinn took off after her.

And I just stood there for a moment, trying to reorient myself. The smell of Britt, her voice sounding so soft and concerned, mixed with the turmoil of the night before was like whiplash.

Having retrieved her bullhorn, Sue snapped me out of my reverie.

_"GET MOVING LOPEZ!"_

I nodded and then began a slow jog, I knew better than to sprint when you're at the beginning of a ten-mile stretch.

My fellow ex-Cheerios were obviously out of practice with pacing themselves.

Slow and steady wins the race.

Duh.

Sure enough, right around the sixth mile, Quinn was running out of gas, her stride had slowed and she was clutching her side.

Britt fell back to run by my side and thought that would be enough to make it through but she had underestimated just how much pregnancy can affect you because one mile later, she was bent over the side of the track vomiting.

And I just kept right on running until the world melted away like sugar.

I was crying as I finally allowed myself to feel everything that last night could have turned into.

How easy would it have been to just do it, throw it all away?

Maybe if I hadn't gone through the Craig situation, I would have felt more tempted but surviving him setting me up while I was in therapy, gave me some really great coping mechanisms.

This was on a grander scale and I felt like I was primed to handle it...just not on my own.

Being honest with Sue and Tor had been the best thing that I could have done.

The next best thing would come later when I called Doc for our weekly chat.

And of course, I'd need to text CiCi too and she'd probably insist on a meeting and even though that run felt better than any meeting, I knew that I needed to focus on those steps that didn't work unless you worked them.

By the time that I counted mile 10, I could see that Quinn and Britt were still going, trying to recoup their lost miles. In the old days, I would have kept going just so that we could end together, but this wasn't the old days.

Instead, I climbed into the car next to Sue who was drinking a giant smoothie and listening to rock music.

 _"Thank you."_ I said to her as I toweled off the sweat on my face.

 _"I have a buyer."_ She said and then sipped the smoothie casually.

I stared out the front windshield at Britt and Quinn, who were in step together talking out their shit.

_"How much?"_

_"6.5 million. It was more than one brick, two and a half to be exact. Buyer is legit, the drugs will be used scientifically."_

_"That's a thing?"_

_"It is. So no one's blood is on your hands. I'm going to leave you your lost funds and take the rest for Tori."_

_"Really? I told you, to keep it all."_ I said. Quinn finished first but kept running next to Britt to finish out her mile. It was good to see them laughing with each other. Lord knows they needed it.

_"And I'm telling you that you shouldn't be penalized because of stupidity. Just stay away from the Mottas. Got it."_

_"Got it."_

* * *

By the time that Britt and Quinn collapsed in the backseat of Sue's car, they were obviously friends again.

Unfortunately, I couldn't say the same for me and Britt. I had flinched when she'd touched me and was feeling unsure of where we stood now that I had to essentially compete with Grady for her attention.

I hated that her very touch made me cower in any way. I was supposed to be beyond that kind of reaction. We had been in such a good place for a moment in time and I just wanted things to go back to the way we were.

But that was impossible.

We were impossible, at least right then.

 _"Ana?"_ Britt said as she leaned forward and touched my shoulder. I turned slowly and her hand fell back to her lap.

_"Yes?"_

_"Would it be alright if I took Izzy for the day?"_

_"Um...I'm not sure B."_ I said as I looked at Sue but she just stared ahead as she drove home.

For all the unsolicited advice between Sue and Q, there was no comment at that moment which irked me.

_"Okay, B...that's fine"_

_"Thank you for this. I'll bring him to you at mass later...okay?"_

_"Ok."_

I was filled with anxiety although I knew that Britt would never hurt Isaac, she had denied him back at the theater and I was still hurting over it.

He loves her more than anyone and for her to act that way, I felt rejected on his behalf but I couldn't stand in the way of her trying. I was on high alert though, because I wasn't going to let her be in and out of his life. He was starting to understand that kind of thing.

And learning that his Mama was only half in, was something he should never have to try and comprehend, not on my watch.

* * *

Sue wouldn't let Britt come into the house to come to get Isaac because of what happened the night before so she had to wait in the car with Quinn.

I quickly got Isaac dressed while he slept.

He was a late sleeper like me and since it was barely seven I knew that he would normally sleep another two hours but all the movement had jostled him awake.

He looked at me with bleary eyes and gave me a soft smile. _"Bye Bye?"_ He groggily asked as he rubbed his eyes.

 _"Yes with Mama."_ I said to him as brushed through his mini afro. He was whining as I snagged his hair and I kept having to stop and apologize until he'd let me continue. The production of it had me wondering why I was letting his hair grow out in the first place.

Once I was finished, I kissed his face a few times and then put his strappy sneakers on him.

 _"Bye?"_ He asked again.

_"Yes, you go bye with Mama."_

_"Dama?"_ He mumbled not understanding. I knew that she was in the car so technically he was correct.

 _"Yes, Papa, Dama too."_ He nodded thinking he understood and then pursed his lips.

_"Beso?"_

I kissed him again.

_"Wuv you, Mami."_

His diction was definitely ahead of its time and he was getting so good at it. After everything the night before, I just wanted to keep him all day and try to get him to repeat that phrase but I couldn't be selfish.

I kissed him another time before putting him on the floor.

He sat down with his big Elmo and started to doze off again but then I scooped him up in my arms and I hoisted his bag on my shoulder.

 _"All ready?"_ I said and he just nodded before resting his head on my shoulder.

Sue was in the kitchen flipping pancakes when I got downstairs.

 _"Ready?"_ I asked her.

_"I'm staying here. I'm going to meet with the buyer in a bit, best you're not here when that goes down. You take the girls home but drop off Brittany first then Quinn, understand? You don't need to be alone with her just yet."_

_"Yes, coach. Thanks for everything."_

* * *

_"Where's Sue?"_ Quinn said as I strapped Isaac into his seat. The moment he saw that Britt was sitting next to him his eyes lit up.

 _"Mama?"_ He looked at her and held out his hand. _"Beso...Mama?"_

Britt leaned in and he placed a hand on her cheek and then leaned forward and kissed her cheek. The look in her eyes changed as she interacted with our son and even though I didn't want to get my hopes up I could see that just that tiny moment, really spoke to her.

It broke my heart that he kept looking at her in awe like he hadn't seen her in a really long time.

That shouldn't be the case.

Once he was settled in his seat, I kissed his head and then went up front with Q.

She was texting away and humming to herself like she was having the BEST day.

I was jealous.

 _"Thank you so much for this Ana...I don't deserve this chance but thank you for it anyway."_ Britt said as she leaned between the seats and smiled at me.

 _"No problem."_ I said, then I turned around and buckled myself in feeling relieved that we weren't any closer than we were at that moment.

I knew, just from the way acting that if she got me alone, she'd melt my resolve.

And I wasn't ready for that yet.

 _"You okay?"_ Q said to me quietly when I was just sitting there staring off.

I nodded and revved up the car.

_"Never better, Q."_

_"Should I worry?"_

_"Who knows?"_ I said and then turned up the stereo, not wanting to talk anymore.

I wanted to listen to Sue, I really, really did but that just wasn't possible. Rachel was insisting that Quinn come home because they apparently had plans and Quinn was already making them late. So despite my trepidation, Quinn climbed out of the car.

Did Sue give her the same directive and if so, why was she letting this happen?

 _"Have a good date."_ I said and Quinn just looked at me with her eyebrow raised.

 _"Please call me when you get home."_ There was definitely a warning in her tone. Sue had definitely spoken to her.

_"I will, I promise."_

_"Bye Izzy!"_

_"Bye Dama!"_ he whispered in his sleepy voice.

I pulled away before Quinn got to the front door and headed the few blocks to the Pierce house.

Britt stayed in the backseat and continued to have a long conversation with Isaac while my mind was going a million miles a minute as I made the drive to Britt's on autopilot.

This would be our first time being home and not being in a relationship.

It felt off and even though I had broken things off, it still made me feel uncomfortable.

* * *

How did I end up here, in a house alone with Brittany?

Susan wasn't home but Britt's dad was and when he saw Isaac as he was on his way out the door to go pick up his wife in Dayton, he insisted that he take his grandson. I couldn't argue with him and Britt didn't even try so here we were.

_"Do you want anything to drink?"_

_"No thanks."_

_"We have pop and juice."_

_"Ac-Actually, B,_ _I'm going to head out."_

 _"I'm not going to hurt you, Ana."_ She said as she sat on the sofa watching me clutch the doorknob.

 _"Forgive me if I don't believe you."_ I said as I subconsciously rubbed at my arm.

I hadn't slept the night before and then I ran ten miles, it was all starting to hit me at that moment.

She was looking me up and down, then she stood up and came closer.

_"Look...just...can you stay just a little while? Dad's going to be gone for the next hour and I just really don't want to be alone."_

_"I have to get back to Daniela y-you could come."_ I said as I placed my hand on the doorknob and started to turn it.

 _"Please, Ana...please, let's just have some time alone baby. Please?"_ Her hands lightly grasped my waist and I just stood there like an idiot.

Resisting Brittany has always been my weakness and this wasn't any exception.

My hand dropped from the door as she lightly tugged my hand towards the stairs.

I followed her. Once we were upstairs, I tried to tug my hand back and make my exit but she held on tighter. If I pulled any more, it would hurt.

She was on her meds...her anger was under control.

That's good, right?

* * *

Once we were in her childhood bedroom, she locked the door and dropped my hand once I was standing next to her bed.

 _"Why'd you bring me up here, Britt?"_ I said as crossed my arms over myself.

Britt stepped into my personal space and began to slowly pull at the hem of my tank top.

_"Because...I need a chance to show you...remind you why you love me."_

_"Don't. I n-need a shower."_

_"I like you sweaty."_ I went to speak but was suddenly captured in a crushing kiss.

My back was pressed against the door and I gripped her T-shirt, trying to enjoy the kiss but feeling the change.

The way she always did after dating someone else, she'd come back to me kissing like them.

But then she nipped my lip and I moaned, I knew then that I was so screwed.

My mind short-circuited, that's the only way that I can explain the swiftness that my clothes came off my body.

 _"B...please...this is a m-mistake. You have G-Grady."_ I whined.

_"But you're my wife. I'm yours. Right?"_

_"Uh..."_ Her hand was between my legs, rubbing softly and I just nodded as she turned us and backed up towards the bed.

Once she successfully got me on my back and was hovering over me, her fingers sunk into me.

 _"Fuck!"_ I groaned.

_"How are you always so tight?"_

_"Shit...shit."_ I was aching as she added a finger and not in a good way. It was too much.

My phone was buzzing in the pocket of my discarded shorts and I knew that it was either Sue or Quinn...maybe even both. It was too late though, she already had me under her and was pressing into me, making my body jerk and betray me.

 _"You're mine. You'll always be mine. Sugar could never compare to what we have."_ She growled and then nipped at my boobs and then my stomach as her mouth made its way between my legs, her fingers still moving inside of me.

I had my palms pressed against my eyes as I tried not to cry.

 _"B...please...stop...please."_ I whispered as she captured my clit and sucked it between her lips. _"Fuck."_ I muttered as the shock waves ran through me. _"Oh, God...Britt...st-stop. Fuck!"_

That served to encourage her because before I could even breathe her tongue was swirling and she was pushing me over the ledge. I came hard and was angry at myself.

This didn't feel good...but my body didn't know the difference.

It was the first time in forever that I felt dirty after sex with her, not since the day of the senior luncheon with Ian on the other side of the door.

Britt was attempting to get me back by cutting corners, only her attempt had backfired.

The moment that she moved her hand, I was filled with adrenaline. I jumped to my feet and started gathering my clothes. Pulling them on haphazardly, not caring one bit.

_"Ana, wait!"_

_"I have to go...I'll see you at mass."_

I left her lying there with a confused look on her face and this time, I just could not take time and explain to her. She was just going to have to figure it out all on her own.

* * *

When I got to the car, I just drove away, not wanting Britt to follow me. I pulled up outside Rachel's hoping that she and Quinn were still there but the car was gone.

It was then that I broke. I sobbed with my head pressed against the headrest and caught a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I looked like shit. My lips were swollen and I had a hickey blooming on my neck.

The tears kept coming and I felt so fucking gross.

My phone connected to the Bluetooth and began to ring.

 _"Yeah?"_ I said as I wiped at my face.

 _"Where are you?"_ Q asked.

_"In my car."_

_"Are you okay? Did you drop off Britt?"_

_"She's home. Yeah."_ I said, skipping her question.

 _"You sound like you've been-"_ She began to say but I cut her off.

 _"Q, I gotta go."_ Then I ended the call and began to drive towards Sue's.

I felt really gross and just wanted not to see Britt for a long while. Unfortunately, I at least had to see her today because she had Isaac. This was not how things were supposed to go.

Last year, I had come to Lima and had an amazing time but now, I felt so drained, like the last four months had been nothing but wasted time. I wanted to be okay but there was no faking it.

If I was going to fall apart, then people were just going to have to deal, so long as I fell apart while sober.

This was supposed to be my time to process and fix what was broken in my own life but I couldn't do that with her thwarting my efforts with moves like the one she'd just pulled.

My phone was still buzzing when I parked the car at Sue's house.

It'd been over an hour since I left, so I had expected her to be standing there waiting for me with flames coming out of her ears but she wasn't. Instead, she, Tor, and Daniela were camped out in the den watching a movie.

I poked my head in just to let them know that I was here.

_"I'm going to go jump in the shower and then I'll be back to feed her okay?"_

My voice came out hoarse and it was clearly apparent that I had been crying.

Sue arched her eyebrow but didn't do anything but nod in response. She knew at this point that if I needed her, I would say so, and right then, all I needed was to feel clean again.

* * *

_**Can I call you?-Santana** _

_**Yes.-Cici** _

I sat pumping my milk to keep myself from finding a way to make this overwhelming dread go away.

_"Santana, what's up?"_

_"So much. I d-don't know where to st-start."_

_"Anywhere you want."_

_"My...Sugar gave me coke to sell. I got rid of it."_

_"How?"_

_"I'm so-sober. I gave it to coach. She got rid of it."_

_"Okay. Did you attend a meeting?"_

_"No. Not yet."_

_"Has Sue been supportive, making sure you get to meetings and are following the steps?"_

_"In her own way."_

_"It's been two weeks and a half weeks since you left here and a week since you got Lima, you told me that you were only going to stay with Sue for a few days, just to get used to being home. It seems to me though, that you need more of a network."_

_"Like who?"_

_"Your mom...have you seen her yet?"_

_"No."_

_"It might be time to move on from where you are, Santana. Put yourself in a place of accountability. Your coach will help but not as much as your family, from what you've shared with me, I know they hold some serious pull with you. This is the time to lean on them."_

_"Okay. I'll think about th-that."_

_"I'm proud of you for not taking the bait, again."_

_"Thanks."_

_"What else?"_

_"Brittany...I c-could use Doc on this one."_

_"I'll conference her in...hold on a second."_

While I cleaned myself up and sealed up the bottles, the line clicked and beeped...then there was a sing-song voice.

_"Hello, Santana. I'm looking forward to our chat this week, tell me what's going on."_

And I did, every sordid detail from the moment that Britt showed up and nearly slapped me, to the run and right to the way I left the house.

_"When did this happen?"_

_"An h-hour ago."_

_"Can I just pause here and say what amazing progress that is, for you to be on the phone with us rather than out trying to score? Bravo, Santana."_

_"I don't feel...like a bravo."_

_"Of course not. Talk to me about Brittany, was she medicated...did she seem overly aggressive or abusive."_

_"She was on her meds...I think. She was no more an-anything than usual. I know her in-intentions. This wasn't rape."_

_"Are you sure?"_ CiCi asked, her voice tight.

_"Yes. She misread my signals. This w-won't happen again, I know it."_

_"Hmm."_ Dr. Clover sighed and then cleared her throat. _"CiCi, I'm going to take over from here. Santana will call you back tonight after her meeting. Santana, I'll video chat you as soon as this call is over."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Dr. Clover wasn't convinced that Brittany didn't rape me. I could see all over her face when she called me back, her glasses were perched on the tip of her nose and she was staring right at me.

_"Has she called you since?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you have any bruises or pain?"_

_"No...well...this."_ I showed her the hickey and then shrugged. _"That's it. I could have pushed her off. She didn't hold me down."_

_"You asked her to stop though."_

_"I did."_

_"Santana, you've been here before."_

_"Exactly, which is wh-why, I know this isn't what you think. She's not like m-most people. That's not her."_

And then a memory hit me...how she had apparently forced herself on Frankie in L.A. It gave me pause.

_"That there, what just crossed your mind, Santana."_

I shook my head and then there were tears and snot, I was a mess and put my phone down to give myself a moment. _"Are you still there?"_

 _"Just...I need a second."_ I blew out a breath and then another as I began to scratch up and down my arms.

The way the cravings were hitting made me cry even harder.

Britt wouldn't hurt me like this, not on purpose.

I knew her best.

She wouldn't hurt me...not again...not like this.

_"Santana?"_

I was on the floor when I grabbed my phone next, I wiped my face with my shirt and stared at my therapist.

_"I love her."_

_"I know."_

_"She's m-my person."_

_"Right person, wrong time. She's not well and you need to face that fact. If she keeps going down this path, she's going to take you with her. Stop letting her in until she is well. That was your plan."_

_"I know."_

_"You need a new plan, one that isn't about reconciliation with Brittany. As a parent, you need to put your foot down, the agreement was that she saw the kids and you only while level and medicated. Is she either of those things?"_

_"No."_

_"So now, you need to enact your contingency."_

_"I need to go home to my m-moms."_

_"Do you think the reason you avoided going to your mother was that she is greater at building walls around you?"_

_"Yes, I n-needed to be able to do it on my own, now I see I'm not st-strong enough for that yet."_

_"If you are going to continue to share custody with Brittany, you'll need a buffer. Absolutely, NO alone time with her. If you want to see this as anything other than an assault and you don't want to end up like this again, then you need fail-safes."_

_"Okay."_

_"What's your plan until the meeting?"_

_"I'm going to sh-shower and then eat. I p-plan to stay inside until the meeting. Then I will take s-someone with me. I can't be alone out there in the w-world...not today."_

_"I will make myself available to you today, anytime you need...you call. Okay?"_

_"You sure?"_

_"Positive. You need accountability, so we will do a check. I want a text after each activity and I want proof that you ate."_

This seemed so juvenile and powerless but right then, when I felt like the world was spiraling, there was nothing I needed more than that accountability.

* * *

Once I was in the shower, I saw more bruises blooming...just from her gripping my waist two tight on the one side. She'd been using it for leverage to thrust her fingers inside of me.

It didn't hurt but it looked painful and the sight of the bruises in the shape of her fingers had me sobbing even harder.

And even though I knew it would make my skin dry and raw, I scrubbed the loofa hard against my skin.

There was a hard knock on the bedroom door and I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard it.

_"I'll be out in a second."_

_I poured more soap on the loofa after rinsing and began scrubbing again._

_"San...it's me. Britt called me."_ Quinn called through the door.

She was supposed to be at some play in Columbus...not on the other side of the door.

I'd ruined her date.

Fuck.

 _"I'm fine!"_ I said as I wiped at the hot tears that were streaming down my face.

I had scrubbed two layers of skin off, at least, but I still didn't feel clean.

_"Are you sure?"_

I didn't answer as I squeezed out more soap onto my loofah.

_"Should I be worried?"_

Fuck.

Why that question?

After scrubbing myself, one final time, I stood under the water and allowed the burning water to wipe away yet another layer of skin from my body.

No...I was not okay...yes...she should be worried.

I didn't need to say those things out loud because the moment that she saw me, I knew she would be able to see it.

My skin burned as I stepped out into the coolness of the bathroom.

I picked up my phone and texted doc.

_**Out of the shower. Quinn is here, I didn't sleep last night. Might nap-Santana** _

I didn't wait for a response.

* * *

When I stepped out into the bedroom, Quinn sat there holding Daniela in her arms. My sweet baby smiled when she saw me and I just walked past her and opened up the drawer and began to dig through it for some sweatpants.

My skin still felt grimy and I didn't want to touch her, even though I knew that I needed to.

Holding her would center me and I craved that, but I needed to not be shaking first.

 _"Wh-What did she say to you?"_ I asked as I rubbed lotion into my skin, enough to soothe the burn.

_"She called me in a panic and told me what happened. She told me how you just left and asked me to check in on you. So Rachel and I turned around and came back to Lima. You look like shit."_

_"Thanks, Q."_ I said as I slid into the sweats and pulled on a t-shirt.

I went back to her and lifted my sweet little girl into my arms.

She squealed as I buried my face against her neck and sniffed.

I was right, the calm that filled me felt heaven-sent.

My second little reason.

I sat in the rocking chair and immediately she started making sucking noises which usually made me chuckle but not even that was cheering me up.

While she began to nurse, I could see the red splotches on my boob and felt guilty about it.

I was slipping...hard. Thank God, that things happened in the order that they did because if Sugar showed up now instead of last night, I would definitely not be sober.

My hands were just as blotchy as my boob, as I ran my fingers through Daniela's hair. She was watching me and I tried to smile for her but I wasn't sure it was showing in the way I wanted it to.

_"What can I do?"_

_"Stay a while?"_ I wasn't used to being forward, not this much but I had to stay open. When I looked up at Q, she was texting.

_"Letting Rachel know that I'm going to be here tonight."_

_"Thanks."_

Quinn busied herself with straightening up the room while I hummed to baby girl. She was getting sleepy as she held tight to my boob. Then she farted and well that smell was retched.

 _"Oh God...Q...take her."_ I said once I got her off my boob.

It was good to laugh even in my darkness. Quinn changed the baby's diaper and then walked through to the nursery, putting her in the crib before coming back and shutting the door.

 _"Thanks."_ I said, readjusting my clothes before standing in front of the mirror to brush through my hair. My hands ached as I brushed and Quinn eventually came over and took the brush and was both firm and gentle as she detangled my hair.

It felt good to just stand there and let her take over.

Sometimes I missed how she would just be intuitive enough to step in and take over.

Q was forever my ride or die, my captain.

_"Talk to me, San. How do you feel?"_

_"I feel...like she t-took advantage of me."_ I whispered as I kept my eyes looking away from her and stared out the window.

_"Like rape?"_

I looked up at her in shock and swallowed back the bile that was rising.

We were halfway through the day and I hadn't eaten a thing but my stomach still was going to find a way to make me sick, I was sure of it.

_"No...not that ex-extreme."_

I shook my head in disbelief. She put down the brush and then turned me around until we were eye to eye.

_"Did you tell her to stop?"_

I shrugged. _"Kinda."_ I said unsure of what happened exactly.

 _"Yes or no?"_ She was seething now as she looked down at me. _"Did she hurt you?"_

 _"No more than you and me, Q."_ I said quietly.

_"What are you saying?"_

_"That it was just as awkward and hurt just as much."_

_"No."_

_"Yes."_

_"That doesn't even make sense. It can't compare...you never told me to stop, San...because we both know that I would have, immediately."_

_"I feel the same w-way that I did then...that's all I know."_

_"Guilty. That's what you felt back then. Is that what you feel now? Did you feel dirty then?"_

_"Yes. I felt dirty because of wh-what I had done...but I know you didn't force me. I made a conscious decision."_

_"Did you make one, with Brittany?"_

_"Fine...no...I didn't. She forced herself on me okay?"_ I snapped at her.

* * *

I zoned out as she took a step back and let me collect myself.

Was that really what happened?

Had Brittany forced herself on me?

That's not possible...is it?

I turned away and just stood there, staring out the window and tried to get my shaking under control.

This was a bad day.

My N.A. meeting couldn't come fast enough.

Quinn went over to the bed and pulled back the covers. I turned and watched her, feeling like I was going to slip away.

_"Come on San...lay down for a bit."_

I looked over at her and shook my head, afraid of what lengths she'd go to comfort me.

_"No."_

_"No funny business, I promise...just let me hold you...you're shaking...let me tether you."_

I didn't respond, I just slid out of my pants before sliding against the cool sheets next to her. I pulled a pillow from under the blanket and hugged it against my body...feeling the spiral coming but promising myself that I wouldn't move from this bed until my meeting.

Being there with Quinn, I knew I was safe from any falls.

Quinn had her arms around me and was pulling me flush against her body, this time being touched didn't feel like a violation...only a comfort.

 _"It's okay, San...just let it out."_ Q whispered as I began to sob. _"I'm here honey and I won't leave you until you kick me out. Just relax, let me take care of you."_ She kissed my head and continued to hold me tightly and was quickly becoming my anchor since I couldn't be my own.

This is what I had needed that day in New York and she was correcting a severe misstep.

* * *

I woke up violently, the bile finally making itself known. Quinn was reading on her phone, with her arm still around my waist but jerked back when I pulled awake.

 _"You ok?"_ She asked but I just jumped from the bed and dashed to the bathroom, making it as far as the sink before I was spitting out stomach acid.

The dial was beginning to turn up.

And I had to catch it before I lost control.

 _"W-Water."_ I croaked out and Quinn shoved a bottle towards me.

_"Have you eaten today?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay, we can grab something small before we go."_

_"Go?"_ I asked as I wiped my mouth.

_"To mass...to a meeting."_

_"I c-can't do mass. I c-can't see her right now."_ I whispered and she nodded as more tears came.

_"Hey, then we won't. There are plenty of people who can grab Izzy for you...maybe even keep him tonight. You don't have to see her."_

_"I need my meeting."_

_"Then we will go straight there after you eat and I'll message her not to come."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Sure. Now put on some pants so we can go get some food in you."_

_"Ay Ay Captain."_ I muttered as I headed back to the bedroom.

I quickly put on my pants before peeking in on the baby. She still slept, so we headed down to the kitchen.

Sue was putting food on plates when our eyes met.

 _"Good to see you on your feet, kid. Hungry?"_ She asked and I shook my head.

 _"No...but I need something."_ I admitted.

And Sue...probably the catalyst of my eating issues just nodded in agreement and served me a smaller plate of food.

We sat together, the four of us, and ate in companionable pseudo-silence.

No one brought up my loud sobs or the way that Quinn was suddenly here by my side.

Instead, Sue asked Quinn about school and they both told Tor about Cheerios.

Q looked happy to talk about how she was the youngest team captain in decades.

And I was able to quietly work on my plate, managing my expectations, and only eating enough to satisfy myself.

My nausea faded as I finished up. I went to stand and Quinn cleared her throat.

_"Sit awhile, San. Tell Tor about those insane routines you created."_

I knew what she was doing and she was probably right to do it.

So I didn't get mad, instead, I sat back down and turned on my charm.

Tor went along with it but the way her piercing eyes stared at me, I knew that she was seeing past my act. She gave me a look that Ian was famous for when he could see through my bullshit and just wanted me to be myself.

So I did for her what I often did for him.

I dropped the charm and allowed myself space to ache.

What was the point of hiding it?

I dropped the smile and just talked without pretense.

She seemed to be more comfortable with that.

* * *

Quinn helped me to clean the dishes after dinner and then she took my car keys and drove us to the church. We were the first ones at the meeting because the mass hadn't ended yet.

I nibbled on a cookie while Quinn swirled creamer in her coffee.

_"I want you to know that I'm not leaving your side until you're ready. I'll be your CiCi or whatever you need...there were so many times that I walked away and let you slip. I know you're on this whole independence kick and I have classes but that doesn't mean I'm going to abandon you."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yup. I talked to Susan, while you slept. I gave her the rundown because I knew that you wouldn't...not yet and that Britt would sugarcoat it. Please don't be mad. Is that okay?"_

_"More than, okay. Britt needs help th-that I can't give her."_

_"She needs treatment and to get away from that leech."_

_"And now she's st-stuck."_ I muttered.

_"Stuck how?"_

_"She's pr-pregnant."_ I said and Quinn went pale.

_"That explains her exhaustion this morning."_

_"Yeah."_

_"And her hormonal crap."_

_"Yeah."_

_"But it doesn't explain why she hurt you."_

I nodded as the room began to fill up.

Quinn took my hand halfway through the meeting as I stood up and told my story...well the nonincriminating parts.

And when it was time to go, she took us back to the house and blended in.

Watched movies, took over some of the parenting stuff, and had Rachel bring Isaac home.

He was bathed, happy, and excited to see me.

And like the intuitive baby he's always been, would not leave my side for the whole night.

I slept surrounded by my kids and Quinn, feeling beyond blessed.

God had seen my need for support and comfort and delivered big time.

As for B, I wasn't sure what came next but I wasn't going to come down on her head for this like my family would have wanted.

Instead, like the woman I was, I'd make her own up to it when I was ready.

And more than anything, I was going to make sure that I was strong enough to handle her being with someone else and parenting someone else.

I needed to fortify myself against whatever hellscape was on the horizon by managing my expectations of what was to come but not letting it take over my life.

This was the last time she would ever put me in the position to feel like a fucking victim.


	6. B.S. Remix (Jhene Aiko feat Kehlani)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song was freaking perfect, chicas. I cannot stress just how much adding this chapter in and adding the song made this thing come alive. :) Hope you're taking care of yourselves. Also, Snixxxmas popped all the way off 100k before the deadline. Amazing.

**Santana's POV**

* * *

* * *

I'm not sure what came over me, but after my meeting the next night, I snapped.

Quinn treated me with kid gloves, but I had been through worse than Brittany S. Lopez (nee Pierce).

I'd allowed myself a full day to work through my emotions, but then I was ready to confront her, and with Quinn by my side and Britt's parents at home, it would be ten times easier.

 _"How are you feeling after that meeting?"_ She asked me as we made our way back to the car with my mind already set on what I needed to do.

My whole axis had been tilted because of Brittany, and I was so over it.

_"I need to see her."_

I opened the door and climbed behind the wheel, feeling determined.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Abso-fucking-loutely."_ I muttered and then gunned the car into drive.

Quinn quickly strapped in and held onto the door.

_"San, please slow down."_

_"My bad."_

The tires squealed as I hit the brakes and pulled into a spot outside of the Pierce's.

It made me feel relieved to see both her parents' cars and her pickup truck. It was dinner time, and if tradition held, it was spaghetti night. Great!

_"San, are you thinking clearly about this?"_

_"Crystal. You coming?"_

_"Yeah, of course."_

I climbed out of the car and stormed up the front steps—Quinn's soft footsteps just behind me.

And even though I had been given a key when I was 16, I still knocked.

Even though Quinn had told Susan what happened, I hadn't heard from her. Maybe she thought I was mad at her or was waiting on me...either way, today was the last time that Britt got to control any part of our narrative.

I'd had enough.

* * *

Rob answered the door and grinned when he saw me.

 _"My girl, bring it in."_ He pulled me into a tight hug, and I just melted against him. Rob was one of the last father figures in my life, and I would never deny him a hug, no matter what dumb shit his daughter did.

_"Susan and Brittany are upstairs arguing. It's been two days of them screaming at each other. What brings you by?"_

_"Can we talk?"_

_"Of course, let's do it out on the porch, though. I get the feeling their fighting will only make things worse."_

_"Ac-Actually, can you get them to come down. This is s-something I feel like I might lose my nerve on."_

_"Sure, come on in."_

He held open the door for Quinn and me.

 _"Did you want me to go up and get them, Mr. Pierce?"_ Q asked, and he looked so relieved.

_"Would you mind?"_

_"Not at all, be right back."_

Once I was alone with Rob, his face got more serious.

_"Have you met this fellow?"_

_"I have."_

_"What do you think, can I take him?"_

Rob made a muscle, and I squeezed it.

_"Definitely."_

Rob grinned, and then he looked past me towards the stairs. When I turned around, three blondes came down the stairs, all looking flushed.

Even Quinn.

What had she walked in on?

Then I saw it, the way that Britt had a hand to her side and how Susan had red-tinged tissue in her hand.

 _"What the hell?"_ I said, looking straight at Brittany.

 _"You came back to me."_ She said, sounding so off that it made me cringe.

She was definitely not in a good place, which made this that much easier.

I moved over to Susan to check her hand, but she just leaned in, kissed my cheek, and then moved past me to the kitchen without a word.

_"What did you do?"_

_"Mom's just mad about the razor. Don't worry about her. I'm the one that's bleeding, and I think I cut too deep."_

_"I looked at it, San, it's fine. Susan bandaged it."_

My head hurt. I just gestured at the couch.

 _"Sit down, please."_ I demanded, and Britt nodded happily before moving to the couch and sitting next to her father.

She was super dopey, in fact, like junior year Britt...the same one who went from saying weird stuff to not talking for a whole month.

I was over all of it.

* * *

They watched me as I paced back and forth while trying to find the words that would convey exactly what I was feeling.

Only, Britt picked that moment to act like my wife again,

_"Baby, you look pale. Have you eaten? Has she been eating, Quinnie?"_

I ignored her and looked at her parents.

 _"You two have been so a-amazing to me. I have always tried to be open with you. Two d-days ago, B...she a-assaulted me...sexually."_ Susan bit her lip, but Rob got pale.

 _"I DID NOT! That wasn't rape. I was trying to get you to understand that I LOVE YOU. I want YOU."_ She said, her voice getting angrier.

Rob reached out and pulled Britt's hand into his lap, holding tight to it. He whispered harshly into her ear, and the change was immediate. She dropped her head, and her shoulders began to shake.

 _"Keep going, San."_ Q said, knowing how easy it was for me to break when Brittany started crying.

_"I know her in-intention wasn't vicious, but it made me feel tr-trapped and scared. I don't plan on pressing ch-charges. I just want her to leave town. Go back to New York and work, get some help. So I can move on."_

_"But I just want you, Santana, we were going to raise a family together. Our own little family, and now I'm going to add to it, please?"_ She sounded pitiful, and I wrapped my arms around myself.

_"I also don't want her n-near the kids until she is better. I d-don't trust her."_

_"That's understandable, honey. We are going to make sure that Brittany gets the help that she needs."_ Susan assured me.

_"I'd still like it if you two took the kids. As long as she isn't here."_

_"You make no fucking sense! I deny them, and you get mad. I want to spend time with them, and you stop me?! Make up your damned mind, Santana!"_

I had been looking away from her, but now my anger was palpable, I stared her down, and she deflated.

_"I want a family with you more th-than anything, but you aren't yourself right now, and that makes me sad, Britt. If this is who you are now, I can't be a part of that. I need peace. I need the kids to have a real ch-childhood. I'm here when you are ready, but I need you to be r-really ready for what it means to be with the kids and me."_

_"Making myself smaller so you can be bigger. Right?"_

_"No."_

_"NO?!"_

I took a deep breath, _"You aren't ready for me yet. Right person, wrong time. I won't hold you back. Always and only me needs to be real; you c-can't go off and screw around and then get mad when I do. I h-have needs just like you do. I don't need to feel_ _like I'm with Marco...I need my Britt Britt. Medicated. There are drugs you c-can take while pregnant. You n-need help. Please, B?"_

 _"Yeah, okay. Sure, Santana. You act like I didn't see you all over Ari in my fucking face, and I still did my best to swallow that and save her life. You go off for a few months, and suddenly you are better than me?"_ Britt rolled her eyes and then just threw her head back, tears streaming over her cheeks. Then she was looking at me again, with so much hurt and anger. _"He's so much better than you. I cum so hard when he goes down on me, and I never have to fucking babysit him. He is taking care of me in ways that you never could, and I can't wait to get out of here so I can feel like a woman again, not the child that all of you treat me like! Enjoy your life."_

You are my life...I wanted to say, but that didn't ring true anymore. I was fighting back the tears as she lashed out.

Britt ripped her hands away from her dad and was on her feet, storming past me and going upstairs. I stood there in the silence and then jumped when her bedroom door slammed.

 _"I uh...need to get back to the baby. Did you still want them this weekend?"_ I asked Susan, and she nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"Okay."_

I turned on the spot and left the house, feeling the overwhelming emotions threatening to bubble over, but I wouldn't break.

Not yet.

* * *

_**Four Days Later...** _

* * *

The time between getting to Lima and needing to pack up my shit and move out of Sue's house since she was leaving for cheer camp for the last two weeks in August, came much faster than I could have imagined.

 _"You can still stay here if you need to. It's a neutral place without any bad influences."_ It was weird to see Sue nervous, but as I stood there, folding my laundry into my suitcase, she kept throwing out options for me.

_"No. I need to start relying on myself. With Britt gone and her p-parents taking the kids this weekend, I will get a start on doing just that."_

_"You'll keep the key at least?"_

_"Sure. Thanks, Sue, for everything."_

_"You'll do alright, Lopez. My offer still stands for you to make the trip to the Poconos with us...last chance."_

_"I'll be okay, Q is here for a few more weeks, and I have my in-laws plus Mami comes back from Bermuda soon. It will be good to get some b-breathing room and just be a mom. That's really what I love more than anything, just being their mom."_

_"That's good to hear, and you'll be good with Tor for two weeks? She's got another year before high school, and I don't want to force her into the cheer camp just yet."_

_"Yup, it will be good to have some time with her too."_

Sue gave me some guidelines to follow when it came to Tor and not letting her get too lazy. Since we'd literally be across the street from the track, she expected us to keep up our running schedule. I had no problem with that. One of the best things about being back has been that I have rediscovered my love of running every day.

It's been almost as good as therapy.

Tor carried stuff into the apartment excitedly; given a choice between getting two weeks of chill time with me versus two weeks of cheer camp at Sue's side, it was no surprise that she was happy to couch surf at mine.

Sue was leaving early the next morning, so she said her goodbyes that night, and then the moment she was gone, Tor turned to Quinn and me.

_"Can we get take out?"_

_"Not yet, Tor, that woman is still in town, and she will know. Trust us."_ Q said, handing her a menu for Breadstix, _"This is as close as you can get for now. She won't know what you ordered, so go with something green. We'd always get pesto so that when she asked us if we had something green, we could honestly say, yes, we had."_

 _"Don't give up all of our secrets, Q."_ I teased, and she just rolled her eyes.

_"Someone has to."_

* * *

**_Sunday, August 18th, 2013_ **

**_Hi Henry,_ **

**_What a difference a few days make. This week, I have argued with Britt. She's hurt me._ **

**_I had the FASTEST fling in the world with Sugar before she fucked me over, and now I'm spending the first night in almost a year in my apartment._ **

**_I know that Quinn is right across the hallway and Tor is sleeping on the couch, but it still feels like I'm living on my own terms._ **

**_I have been to a meeting every night since things went down with Britt, and it's definitely helped keep me from losing my mind._ **

**_Plus, my license exam is this week, so studying has been insane._ **

**_I plan to drive around town and see what would be a good property to buy and flip. I have a few options._ **

**_This is probably not the job that the rehab had in mind for me, but hey, it will be a new focus for me._ **

**_That counts, I've checked._ **

**_I have a full day tomorrow of pampering Tor, so I need to get some sleep._ **

**_Things are looking up, Henry, for sure._ **

**_-Santana_ **

* * *

**_Six days later..._ **

* * *

_"What letter is this?"_

_"A!"_ Isaac screamed, clapping his hands.

_"And this one?"_

_"L!"_

I sat in front of the coffee table with Isaac standing next to me, stabbing his pudgy little finger at the giant poster board that Q had bought him. Daniela was banging her little feet against the piano on her play mat, making a masterpiece for me. It suddenly hit me that this, right here, was unimaginable back when I was in this very spot, pregnant with Isaac and feeling lonely.

It felt good to spend my Saturday with my babies, and while I felt a little sad that Britt wasn't with us, I knew it was for the best.

 _"MAMI!"_ I looked away from the baby and down at Isaac, who was glaring at me.

_"Yes?"_

_"This one!"_ He was asking me to tell him a letter.

 _"I."_ I said to him _, "I is for Isaac."_

 _"Izzy."_ He said, pointing to himself. _"I...Izzy."_

 _"Yes, I is for Isaac."_ I pointed to him, _"And Izzy."_

 _"Yes."_ He said, happy that I understood what he meant.

How did he have so much freaking personality this young?

Was this all me?

The timer went off on my watch, and I knew I was in for a fight, since Isaac was already grumpy.

_"It's naptime."_

Isaac folded up his arms and stuck out his lip at me.

 _"No pouting. Naptime."_ I said again, pulling out diapers and wipes from the side table. _"Come on, let me ch-change you."_

 _"No."_ He said. I rolled my eyes and hoisted him up anyway as he kicked and screamed at me. _"No!"_

He was in a full tantrum, rolling and kicking as I managed to change him into a fresh diaper, relieved that he didn't pee on me.

_"You are cranky, little man."_

_"No! No! No!"_

_"Yes. Yes. Yes."_ I said back. _"You sit here until you can be nice."_ I said to him, and I knew he would be pissed, but he would not move. He glared, but he just sat still.

When I brought the baby to the couch, geared up to nurse her, she yelped and then cried.

I looked over and watched as Isaac hit her leg twice more.

_"Oh, hell, no. We do NOT hit."_

There was a knock at the door, and then Quinn poked her head into the apartment.

_"Everything okay?"_

_"He hit her."_ I said over the baby's screams.

 _"Need help?"_ She asked, even though I had expressly asked her to distract Tor and let me do my mom thing.

_"Just for now. I want to get her down."_

Quinn came over and picked up Isaac, he kicked and screamed, but she just kept right on moving. They went into the kitchen, and his crying stopped.

The baby was latched on, so I got up and walked into the kitchen. My son was sitting in Quinn's lap, drinking a sippy cup of water.

_"Keep going, Izzy; you'll run out of tears if you don't drink more."_

He drank and nodded.

 _"Is that your trick?"_ I asked, and Quinn smirked.

_"Actually, it's Britt's. It's what Susan used to do with them."_

_"I'll have to r-remember that."_

Isaac put down his cup and then leaned against Quinn's chest.

 _"You tired, buddy?"_ She whispered, and he glared at the baby and me but nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"You want me to put you in bed?"_

_"No."_ He whimpered, and then she followed his line of sight.

_"Do you want Mami to put you in bed?"_

He nodded and reached his arms out for me.

My first baby, all he wanted was my comfort, how could I deny him.

I stretched my arm, and Quinn lifted him onto my hip. He put his head on my shoulder when I had a secure hold on him. He hummed while I held the baby to my boob.

The sight must have been insane.

But it made me feel so empowered.

Like a REAL mom.

Quinn kissed my cheek and then ruffled Isaac's little head.

_"Going with Tor to get some frozen pizzas and snacks for our movie night. Are you going to be okay? Do you need anything else?"_

_"Ice cream...Moose tracks."_ I said, and she grinned.

_"Say less."_

* * *

_**Sunday, September 8th, 2013,** _

_**H-** _

_**I have spent weeks planning out today and just what I'm going to say to everyone.** _

_**With Mami coming back around the same time that Quinn left, it's been fun seeing her every day this week and letting her be Abuela while I have hustled my way through some tough deals.** _

_**Now, it's time to bring the family in and let them know that I'm on my grind.** _

_**Also, I know that Ari will be there, and she'll report back to B. We still haven't talked but I know it's for the best. I just hope that she's getting help.** _

_**My stomach has butterflies and nothing is helping to calm me.** _

_**I even showered and put on make up for this family lunch. Hopefully, nobody ruins this for me.** _

_**-S** _

* * *

I was anxious as I queued up my video chat. I had requested the whole family get together in New York, Quinn included for some huge news. It had been my first week completely alone; Tor was back with Sue, and Quinn was at school again, so it was just me, Lima, and my managed expectations.

The kids were in their high chairs behind me, occupied with cereal and the television.

A knock sounded on the door, and I rushed to answer it with an ear tuned on the kids.

I pulled the door open, and Susan, Rob, and Mami bulldozed in with the food I'd asked for.

We were having this Sunday lunch at my request, virtually hosted by yours truly.

Everyone in New York looked anxious, but the people here were prepared.

At least my in-laws were.

_"So Mija, what's this news?"_

_"You're not pregnant again, are you?"_ Sandra called out, and everyone had an opinion about that, but I held out my hands.

_"No. I'm pretty sure that I'm done having kids."_

_"Tell us. We've been on pins and needles."_

_"Well, I am officially a realtor."_ There was applause, but I held up my hands again. _"But that's not all."_

 _"Before you continue, just know that we are all so proud of you, Ana."_ Ari said with a dimpled grin.

_"Thanks. So, I have also been working on my business license with some guidance from B-Burt Hummel. I bought a strip mall, I am using the only available space for my own business. So y-yeah, I'm officially a business owner. Sal checked everything. It's a good investment."_

_"What business are you opening?"_

_"The Rage Cage, you can go there and break dishes and old stuff. The broken stuff will be s-sustainably recycled and then have dessert afterward."_

_"That sounds awesome!"_ Q said. _"I can't wait to see it!"_

 _"Does this mean you're staying in Lima?"_ Ceily asked, looking confused.

_"For a bit, yeah. I want to get this place off the ground."_

Sandra hit her glass with her knife and raised her glass, everyone on that side of the camera, and this one raised their glasses, and then there was laughter when Isaac lifted his sippy cup.

_"To my baby sister, who is taking the darkest and hardest experiences and turning them into valuable assets. May God cover her and keep her in all things."_

_"Here, Here!"_

Mami wrapped me in a hug and whispered against my neck, _"Your Papi would be so proud!"_

* * *

**_Monday, September 9, 2013_ **

**_H-_ **

**_Today, I am going to plan out my vision for the Rage Cage with Mami._ **

**_She's excited that THIS is what I'm doing with my time and not getting into trouble._ **

**_I couldn't agree more._ **

**_As long as we don't talk about that drama between us when I was in rehab or about Brittany, we seem to stay in a good place._ **

**_I'm not banking on it lasting long, but I'm going to enjoy it while it lasts._ **

**_TTFN_ **

**_-S_ **

* * *

_"Thanks for helping, Z."_ I said to Azimio as we painted the lobby of my new spot.

_"Glad to help. This is going to be the hot date spot."_

_"I hope so."_

It had taken only a week to get a designer in here with her contractor to redo everything to my specifications.

She'd wanted to charge me a crazy amount to paint and furnish the place. I rolled my eyes and fired her ass. I knew her number, and once she understood that I had a lot of money to spend, she started up charging me.

So once the drywall was done and the glass front replaced, I bought my own paint and knocked down the door of someone who I knew would love to be my right hand.

Azimio was studying business at Ohio State, commuting the hour and a half so he could work and help out his family. From what I could tell, he was just doing minimum wage jobs, and well, I felt like I wanted to help him be and do more.

So I offered him a chance to run the Rage Cage, and he said yes before I even settled on a salary.

_"Are you sure you want me to run it?"_

_"Yes. You are m-majoring in business, and what better experience than running your own spot?"_

_"You turned out so dope, you know that?"_

_"I know."_

_"I wish my bro had places like this when shit got hard, you know?"_

_"Yeah, I miss him. When I look at Isaac, God, it's like looking at Ian."_

_"So when do I get to hang out with my godson?"_

_"G-Godson?"_

_"Well yeah, you named him after me, plus Ian isn't here anymore, and the kid does need a male figure in his life that gets him."_

_"He has a grandfather."_

He gave me a look.

 _"Oh, you mean, one of color?"_ I asked.

_"So, when?"_

_"Do you even know what to do with a one-year-old?"_

_"I have a nephew that's around his age, and I watch him all the time."_

_"Well, he d-doesn't know you. How about you bring your nephew over? Let me see how he is with you first."_

_"Sounds fair."_

* * *

The rest of the week was spent side by side with Z, hiring a bunch of teenie boppers to serve ice cream and run the stalls.

It was good to see Azimio light up when I would defer to him when there was a question about work hours and expectations.

One of the best lessons that I learned from Sue and a little from Ian was that if you treated people well and showed them that you value their worth, their loyalty is yours forever.

The idea of a Lima loser was flawed, my mother grew up here and left for New York, just like me, but she came home when faced with settling down. Now I had done a similar thing. When it was time to re-center myself, I didn't go to a yurt or an ashram...or a halfway house, I came home.

I mean, I didn't want to stay here forever, but I did want to make it a place worth coming home to.

 _"Any plans for the weekend?"_ Z asked me after we decided on our opening day crew the following Wednesday.

_"The baby will be 9 months this Friday, thinking I m-might make the day special. Otherwise...meetings, hanging with Tor."_

_"I miss her. How is she?"_

_"Great. She's been helping me with the kids, and we talk about Ian a lot."_

_"Good, I'm glad he's not being forgotten."_

_"Never. He was in my soul group, and we are connected for eternity."_ I said and then went back to filling out payroll stuff on the office computer.

_"Thanks again, Santana, for everything."_

* * *

I had a skip in my step as I made my way to the car, everything was falling in place, and I had only one place that I wanted to be.

The meeting had already started when I arrived, so I just slipped into a row in the back and grinned when my meeting buddy moved her bag so I could sit down.

We'd both gone to meetings when our schedules aligned, and we almost always ended up at the same ones.

The consistency was great. Even if we hadn't met outside of the meetings, it was good to feel like I had someone in the trenches with me.

I was in such a stellar mood and still hung up on giving everyone the benefit of the doubt that I decided to switch it up today.

As the meeting was ending, I reached out and touched her arm.

 _"Do you want to grab a coffee with me?"_ I asked her, and she actually blushed.

Had our connection just been gaydar?

Hmm.

A thought.

She looked at her phone and then shrugged.

_"My sitter is paid for the next hour, I was gonna go for a run, but coffee is good."_

_"A run? Shit, if I had my stuff, I'd join you."_ I said, and she winked.

_"Let's see how coffee goes, and maybe I'll take you up on that."_

I felt HOT as we walked outside the church, and then the heavens opened up, and I was cooled down immediately.

 _"Look at that. Coffee sounds like a Godsend suddenly."_ She said, and then we ran across the street and burst through the Lima Bean doors.

* * *

We shivered in the a/c as we made our way to the counter.

_"Hi, Santana."_

_"Karofsky,"_ I said, and then I turned to my guest. _"I'm paying. What do you want?"_

She didn't even pretend to put up a fight about my paying.

 _"The biggest hot chocolate you've got, Dave, and add a shot from my top drawer."_ She winked at him and then nudged me _. "Get whatever YOU want. It's on me."_

I looked her up and down.

_"Is this your store, hotshot?"_

_"Yup, this used to be my dad's. He has a bunch of these little kitschy places. We have the CoCo Bean in Columbus, the Red Bean in Cleveland, and we just opened the Sidney Bean 'bout forty minutes south outside Dayton."_

_"Couldn't get Kidney Bean?"_

_"Nope, apparently that's the name of their dialysis center."_

_"No, shit?"_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"Are you two done ordering?"_ Someone asked from behind us, and I realized that I hadn't ordered, that Dave was waiting on me looking impatient but wasn't about to interrupt his boss.

 _"Oh, I'll just have a Chai with Almond milk."_ I said to him, and he rolled his eyes.

 _"Hey now, David, manners."_ She said, and he actually apologized to me.

 _"Sorry."_ He muttered.

 _"Yeah manners, David."_ I said.

We headed to a booth, and she sat across from me with the biggest grin on her face.

 _"So how do you know Dave?"_ She asked.

 _"He's my ex."_ She let out this cackle.

_"He's gay."_

_"So am I...a lesbian, I mean."_

Her eyebrow raised. _"Glad to know my gaydar still works."_

 _"Still working on mine."_ I admitted.

_"I'm pansexual. I hate labels. They make me feel icky, but since we are tossing them around, I figure why not."_

_"Is that the one where you fall in love with the soul?"_ I asked, not sure about labels much myself.

_"That's the one."_

Our drinks came with some donuts and another apology from Dave before we went to be miserable somewhere else.

 _"So what does your name mean?"_ She asked me, and I shrugged.

_"It's literally like a play on Saint Anna, who I h-have learned was Mary's mom."_

_"Huh...I did NOT know that."_

_"Me either."_

_"So you're Santana, hot girl from New York who's stuck in Lima for the duration of the year?"_

_"No. I'm from Lima. I went to McKinley. I moved to New York to satisfy a d-dream."_

_"And how's that going?"_

_"Not well."_

_"Hmm."_ She said and took a long sip of her coffee.

_"What?"_

_"Well, you're young, you have time. What are you, 25?"_

_"20."_ I said, and she shook her head.

_"A baby."_

_"Okay, Walker, you can't be more than what, 30?"_

_"I'm 41."_

_"No way."_

_"Yup."_

_"So tell me about you."_ I said as I enjoyed my Chai and the look of casual happiness on her face.

It reminded me of simpler times with Britt when she was just happy, and it rubbed off on me.

And it wasn't until that moment that I realized just how much I had missed that in my life.

* * *

It happened in the middle of the night. There was a persistent hiss and then a loud clang.

And I literally just sat there, waiting for a follow-up to the clang, but it was just a continuous hiss.

Then there was someone banging on the door.

I rolled out of bed, holding a bat, and feeling my body shake. Muscle memory is a bitch. All I could think was someone was coming for me and how much that was possible with Mr. Evans still walking around.

I deflated when I heard the irritated voice of my cranky neighbor who had lived in this building longer than I had been alive.

_"Santana? It's raining in my apartment, hello?"_

I pulled the door open, and there he stood in his soaked clothes glaring at me.

_"Mr. Oliver, hi. Um...how bad is it?"_

_"IT. IS. RAINING. IN. MY. APARTMENT."_ He growled, and I ran through all the options that wouldn't involve me leaving my children alone in the apartment.

I reached over the counter and grabbed the key that Quinn had thrown there before she left for Lima.

_"Stay in 3 tonight. I'll get a plumber over here right away to shut off the w-water. I'm sorry about this."_

_"This place needs a super!"_ He snapped at me.

_"Right, I know."_

The baby started crying, and I was still faced with this angry man, but then he softened when the crying got louder, and then there was Isaac adding to the chaos.

 _"Baby cry, Mami, baby cry!"_ Over and over.

_"Look, I will get on the phone right away. Don't you have a cat to go get? Don't th-hey hate water? You should probably g-grab him and go to 3."_

I got no argument after that. He took the keys and squelched away.

Fuck.

* * *

 _"How bad is it?"_ I asked Pito, of all of Marco's cousins, this was the one that looked the most like him, but like his sister, he was a sweetheart.

And a great plumber.

 _"You need serious work around here, Santana."_ I balanced Daniela on my hip while Isaac continued to sleep. The baby hadn't been able to soothe herself after the crying fit and was now hopelessly attached to me.

We'd walked the whole building, going into all six apartments, the whole first floor had flooded, but Mr. Oliver, who lived directly below me, had gotten the brunt of it. Aside from my apartment, Mr. Oliver's was the only other one that was occupied.

Lucky me.

_"Can you do the work?"_

_"It's not going to be cheap. You'll need a general contractor too."_

_"Right, can you do the work?"_

_"I can do the plumbing and HVAC. The best contractor in town has gone underground since Sugar skipped town."_

_"Nobody tied to the Mottas."_ I said plainly, and he nodded.

_"In that case, the next best is your father-in-law."_

_"Rob! Right!"_ I slapped my forehead.

Britt's dad had been having a hard time lately, feeling stuck between Britt and me...I also knew that he'd stopped taking jobs after Court died. Even though they needed the money, he couldn't stop breaking down on jobs.

That's why he'd been home, most people were passing on him, not wanting to put up with him breaking down, and the move to Chicago had stalled. How hadn't I thought to go to him for my properties?

_"The leaking looks like it's been going on for a while. I'd re-pipe the whole building. I could have it done in a week if you are willing to invest in my crew."_

_"Okay. Can I give you a call after I get Rob in here to check out the damage?"_

_"Of course, I'll be ready to start whenever you're ready, and of course, if it's money issue, I would be willing to discount you."_

I turned to him and tilted my head, had Ari not told him anything about me?

Damn, that girl was a fortress.

_"Pito, I love you, but I want you to give me an estimate without a discount. Okay?"_

_"Really?"_

_"Absolutely."_

* * *

Pito had shut off the water to my apartment to make the rain stop in Mr. Oliver's apartment.

As I walked across the hall to 3, I could hear the bullhorn from the field.

School had started, and the Cheerios were being drilled in an early Thursday morning practice, which was something that I missed way more than I ever thought I could.

I knocked on the door, and there was a shuffle, and then it creaked open.

_"Hi, Mr. Oliver."_

_"Are you putting me out?"_ He asked the chain on the door in place.

_"What? No. I just wanted you to know that the rain has stopped. I've hired a plumber, and I'm going to get a general contractor to make some needed improvements."_

_"I want this apartment."_ He said.

 _"You've leased apartment 1 for the last 20 years."_ I said.

_"And it is not as nice as this one unless you can assure me that the upgrades will match this apartment. I want this one, and remember I am rent-controlled!"_

He was gearing up for a fight that I wasn't willing to have.

This building was just extra income, and his rent was just a drop in the bucket.

_"You can stay in this apartment until yours is completed. Otherwise, I will have to raise your rent since this apartment has two more bedrooms than yours does."_

_"Fine I'll keep mine."_

_"Do you need help moving some stuff up here?"_

_"How long will the renovations take?"_

_"A month."_ I gave him a ballpark without even talking to Rob about it. Frankly, I would throw 100 workers in that apartment to get it done quickly so that I didn't have this ass hat living across the hall from me.

_"Then, yes."_

_"I will get someone to come to help you today."_

_"Good."_ And then the door slammed in my face.

Mr. Oliver was right about one thing, I definitely needed to get a Super. There was no way I was going to put up with his rude ass directly after this.

* * *

 _"Are you sure this is okay? I know you could go back to your mom's house easily."_ Susan said as she remade Britt's bed for me.

_"No, it's fine. She is back and forth so much, I've only seen her twice in the month that I've been here."_

_"It will be good to have you here for a while. I can make sure you get more food in you and help you with the kids. It's the least I could do."_ She looked at her phone mid-conversation and furrowed her brow. Then she looked up at me wistfully. Being around the Pierces' for so many years prepared me for random comments. _"A whole month has since she left. I thought things would be better by now._ _Have you talked to her?"_ She asked me.

_"No. Is she okay?"_

_"She's changed her number. I know she moved in with Grady, Ariana told Quinn, who told me that she's not looking so good lately."_

_"Oh yeah?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I'll check in with Ari. She'll give me more info."_

_"Thanks. I resist the urge daily to get on a plane and go see for myself. I don't want to make things worse between us."_

_"I get that. I'm sorry that I've caused issues."_

_"No, honey, my daughter has had mental setbacks long before you. I was always so happy that she landed with you. I knew that you'd take care of her and treat her just like any other kid. She's with someone now who I am convinced is controlling her."_

_"Like Marco?"_

_"Not that extreme, you know Brittany she will fight back...if he's abusive in any way, I imagine it's intellectually."_

_"Now you are m-making me want to get on a plane and see for myself."_

_"Talk to Ariana first before you make any rash decisions. In the meantime, you are a busy woman, and you just gave Rob a job to do. I need you to promise me that you didn't do this out of charity."_

_"Oh no, this is totally self-seeking. I know he won't screw me over, and he knows I will give him what he's worth. He can cry all he w-wants, as long as the job gets done and that old man is back in his apartment at the end of the m-month."_

Susan grinned and then pulled me into a hug. For the smallest of moments, being hugged by her reminded me of being hugged by my wife, and the tears threatened, but I wasn't having it.

I pulled away and then peeked in the little crib in the corner. Daniela was sitting up, chewing on a rubber giraffe, her eyes sparkling at me. It was insane to me that she was nine months old now.

Time had definitely flown, and Britt was missing it.

It'd been a whole month since she looked me in my eyes and told me to enjoy my life before leaving and never talking to me again.

More than that, it had been that long since the kids had seen her too.

It just didn't sit right with me.

But I wasn't going to break first.

I was convinced that she would need me before I needed her but staying in her old bedroom had me feeling differently.

* * *

Daniela was standing with the help of Susan and grinning happily. Isaac sat beside me as I snapped the picture of my little girl.

We were in the park, enjoying one of the last days of warmth, there was already a chill in the air, and I wanted to get the kids out in the park while I still could.

I posted the picture on socials with the caption, _**Even her drool is cute. 9 months of bliss with this little miss! :)**_

When I showed it to Susan, she copied it, and put it on her page, no doubt feeling jealous, Mami would probably do the same from wherever she was these days.

Being with Pa had turned my mother into Carmen San Diego, and I couldn't be mad at that.

She was goals.

After posting the photo, I had taken Isaac's hand, and we walked towards the ducks.

It had taken him time, but he was finally at a point where he wasn't trying to kick them.

Progress.

 _"Duck!"_ He screamed. _"Mami cheese?!"_ He said, wanting a picture.

I got down with him and held him close as he eyed a duck a little too lovingly.

In the pic, I looked at him while he looked at the duck. It was artsy and adorable.

 _"I see!"_ He said to me, so I showed him the picture, and he clapped his hands.

_"Glad you approve."_

We sat on the rocky shore of the pond and tossed birdseed onto the grass.

I posted the pic while we watched the ducks eat.

_**From kicking to feeding, #progress!** _

After a bagged family lunch and Isaac threatening to run towards the pond one too many times...we decided to pack it in.

 _"Do we get to meet her?"_ Rob asked as I strapped the kids in the backseat of their minivan.

I'd driven my own car since I was going to a meeting and then for coffee with Walker afterward.

 _"That's weird, Rob."_ I said to him, and he shrugged.

_"So...that's the Pierce family motto, Weird is the new Cool."_

_"Pretty sure, you just made that up."_

_"Did I make that up, Susan?"_

She looked at us, and then, knowing he needed it more than me, she smiled at her husband.

_"Of course not, Robby. I think I have it knitted on a sweater somewhere."_

_"See!"_ He said to me and stuck out his tongue.

_"Fine, you win. I'll be h-home after coffee."_

_"Unless you two grab dinner, right?"_ Susan teased.

_"I'm half her age, and I don't think she sees me like that."_

_"Friends, have dinner, Santana."_ Rob added. _"You and Brittany did all the time."_

I glared at him and he burst out in giggles.

Then Susan did, and finally, the kids were in on the laughter.

 _"Okay, goofballs, I'll see you later."_ I gave everyone kisses and then watched as Rob drove off.

Finally.

* * *

I sat staring at the pond while I scrolled through all the messages from people I loved commenting on the kids' pictures.

_"Brought you a Chai."_

Walker sat down next to me and handed me a large cup.

_"Thanks."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Yeah, my mind is all over the place."_

_"I can see that. You didn't even check me out when I got here."_

I turned to look at her and purposely ogle her tits, _"Better?"_

_"Uh, yes, I have a great rack."_

_"Well, so do I. I'm not a boob girl. It's all about the hips for me."_

_"Spoken like a true bottom."_

I rolled my eyes.

 _"I'm not a bottom."_ I said and then took a long sip from my cup.

_"If you say so."_

_"So tell me about your business, you live here, but you run three other places...I need to s-start making plans to go back home, and I'll have the strip mall, the apartments, and the Rage Cage."_

_"You could do what I did. I established a property management company that provides oversight for my businesses. I get involved as much or as little as I want."_

_"Like a franchise?"_

_"Something like that, or you get a business partner that handles the day-to-day, but you still retain ownership."_

_"Is it worth it to start my own property management company?"  
_

_"I believe that the more hands in the pot, the less you really own your stuff. My company is small, and I handpicked everyone from the bookkeepers to the managers. I have HR consultants that help with the legalese, but again. I have vetted everyone who works for me, down to the dishwasher. You don't stay sober for as long as I have without a controlling interest in your surroundings."_

_"Thanks, that really helps."_

_"I would be happy to help you in any way that you need."_

_"Thank you, Walker."_

_"Of course, I'm happy to help. Now, we have a meeting to get to, and then I thought we could take Isaac and my son out bowling. Daniela is probably still a little too young. Do you think your in-laws would approve?"_

_"Oh yeah, they will...my wife...not so much."_

_"I thought she was out of the picture, and it's not like this is a date, just friends hanging out."_

_"Yeah, you're right."_ I imagined Britt and Grady going at it all over the city, and it made me sick. _"I'll text them and see if they'll be okay with that."_

_"Awesome!"_

* * *

_**Saturday, September 21st, 2013,** _

_**Henry,** _

_**You may want to sit down for this one.** _

_**I think that I just went on a date but not a real one?** _

_**The only adult I've ever dated was Marco, and I wasn't an adult at the time, and don't even get me started on Sugar. She's the furthest thing from an adult. Walker was amazing with Isaac. She helped me make his first bowling experience perfect.** _

_**He couldn't hold the ball, but she set it up on the stand, and I held him while he pushed it and he was SO excited. Being out tonight with her showed me one thing, there is NO way that I'm ready to date seriously.** _

_**I spent the whole night wishing that I was there with Brittany.** _

_**And I kinda hate myself for it.** _

_**But you know what? I'll get there, maybe not with Walker but with someone at some point. It's still about recovery and occasionally getting my rocks off, but nothing more.** _

_**Not yet.** _

_**I still miss her.** _

_**It's nearly Sunday, and Ari has promised to call me after church tomorrow.** _

_**Tomorrow is also when Rob is taking me over to the apartments so that I can plot out how to get this cranky old man back into his home quick, fast, and in a hurry.** _

_**Ciao!** _

_**S** _


	7. Come Wake Me Up (Rascal Flatts)

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Please come back...please? I'm sorry...please?"_

_"It's done, Brittany. I told you that."_

_"But...I can do better. I can be whatever it is that you need."_

_"We both know that's not true."_

_"Do you know what I've given up for you, for us? My family, my wife, my home...everything."_

_"I didn't tell you to do that. We agreed in the beginning that this was supposed to be casual. No one told you to fall in love with me. Have you found a place yet? You're running out of time."_

_"I forgot."_

_"Of course you did. It's paid through the 30th. That gives you nine days to find a place."_

_"I don't have money for a place."_

_"Well, I guess you need to stop fucking calling me and call your wife."_

_"She hates me."_

_"Again, no one told you to fall in love with me and throw your life away."_

_"Why are you so mean?"_

_"I have tried every way to get rid of you. You are just too fucking stupid to get it through your head!"_

_"Don't call me that!"_

_"Why not? It's true. Santana is a saint for putting up with you."_

_"She loves me."_

_"Then why are you on the phone with me?"_

_"I...I...need you...we made a life together, Grady!"_

_"Don't call me anymore, Brittany. I'm serious."_

At the sound of silence, I knew he'd hung up on me. I tried calling right back, but I couldn't get through.

I tried over and over again, but it was no use.

My heart hurt.

He was right. I was so, so stupid.

Fuck!

* * *

An alarm woke me on Saturday morning to celebrate that Dani was officially 9 months.

I swiped through pictures of her smiling face and pressed my hand to my own stomach.

The pain was too much.

How could I walk away from my family?

Did she even remember me?

I spent the day in bed, not eating or talking, just scrolling through socials first, just trying to find a way to get into Grady's account, and when that wasn't working, I stalked Santana.

She had listened to my one request; there was no sign anywhere that she'd moved on with anyone.

No posts of her dark head of hair between anyone's legs...just pictures of the kids.

Izzy was getting so big. His curls were turning to waves, and Dani, the sweetest baby, looked just like her Mami. She had teeth and was standing.

All without me.

Then there were new pictures of the baby at the park with my parents and then Izzy down by the water with the ducks and Ana. It was the first picture of herself that she'd posted since before rehab, and she looked so good.

So healthy and happy, plus her smile was so beautiful.

More tears came, and I just sunk into the bed further, sobbing so hard.

Everything hurt.

I just wanted it all to stop.

There was no way that I could fix anything.

All I could do was hope that she'd take me back.

But did I even deserve that?

She was happy and healthy, and I couldn't bring her down.

No, I needed to get my shit together on my own.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was startled awake early Sunday morning when my phone started ringing at dawn.

 _"Lo?"_ I mumbled.

_"Santana, it's Hector."_

_"Hey, Pa..."_ I sat up and rubbed at my eyes. _"Everything okay?"_

_"Your mom is in the hospital, she is going to into surgery soon, she asked me not to call you, but I couldn't do that."_

I was out of bed in a flash, reaching for the clothes that I had tossed on the floor the night before.

_"What h-happened?"_

_"She had a heart attack. Luckily we were out with Dr. Rodriguez at the time. She's going in to get a blockage removed in an hour."_

_"I'm on my way."_

_"Okay."_

I threw my phone down and then peaked in on the kids. They were both still asleep. I hated waking up my in-laws, but I needed coverage with the kids.

So, I got dressed and brushed my teeth, making myself presentable before I walked down the hall and knocked on the door.

There was shuffling and then a muffled, _"Come in."_

I pushed the door open, and Susan was sitting up in bed, with her glasses on reading while Rob snored on.

 _"Hey, um...I need...Mami...h-heart attack. Can you watch them?"_ I rushed out, and she went pale.

_"Of course, go, keep me updated, okay?"_

_"Thanks!"_

I turned to leave, but then she cleared her throat, _"Santana?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Breathe, she'll be furious if you are so upset that you get hurt while trying to get to her. So take a breath for me."_ I took a deep breath and then wiped at the tears that were coming.

 _"Thanks."_ I sighed.

_"Let me know when you get there."_

_"Okay, thanks, Mom."_

She smiled, _"Bring me the baby monitor...don't forget."_

_"Right."_

* * *

I kissed my babies and took the monitor to Susan before shooting a quick text to my network because I knew that I'd need them at some point in that day. I took more deep breaths before putting the car in drive...just trying my damndest to manage my expectations.

**_My mom is headed into emergency surgery, not sure how it's gonna go. Can we talk today?-Santana_ **

I sped through town, saying every single prayer that I knew while trying to just breathe through it all.

My heart was racing though; heart surgery was terrifying. I knew that first hand.

As I pulled into a spot, I traced the scar line on my chest and said another prayer.

My hands were shaking as I looked at my phone, and seeing all that support made me smile.

God is so good...my network is so good...old and new.

_**Yes. Go to a meeting. Follow as much of your routine as you can. Call me tonight-Cici** _

_**I'll keep my sch. light. Keep me updated. Praying for her-Doc** _

_**Hey, let me know if you need me to come to you. I'll shadow you all day if you need me too.-Walker** _

With my network updated and a check-in with Susan, I took another deep breath and walked into the hospital that I had spent way too much time at for two years straight.

Dr. Rodriguez met me in the lobby with a soft smile.

_"Hey, how is she?"_

_"Hi. She's awake and pissed at Hector for calling you."_

_"She'll get over it...do we know wh-what happened?"_

_"Your mother has always taken crappy care of herself. This was inevitable with her medical history."_

_"Uh...what do you mean?"_

_"That's for her to tell you. Let's just say that she has learned a lesson."_

_"Will she m-make it through this?"_

_"Oh yes, she's going to be okay. This is precautionary, the first surgery just after...last night, that was the one that worried us."_

_"Last night?!"_ I shrieked as the elevator doors closed.

_"It was all so fast, and there was no time to call you."_

_"Is she going to be okay with two surgeries back to back like this?"_

_"Yes...we just need to be extra cautious. Gloves, masks, and such."_

* * *

Taking care of my mom post-surgery took precedence. Even though she had Pa at her side and didn't really need me, I felt like I needed to be there. So one day of Susan watching, the kids quickly turned to three. I was just using her place to sleep and pump milk before I was back at the hospital.

Not only that, my promise to Susan that I would check on Britt got pushed to the backburner.

It wasn't until Thursday afternoon that everything caught up with me in the hospital parking lot when I was headed to my car.

My vision got spotty, and I felt dizzy.

I had to lean against the car to keep myself from falling over.

 _"Hey, are you okay?"_ I glanced up and saw Walker climbing out of her car, looking nervous.

_"Um...yeah."_

_"Santana, you look sick. Do you need to go back inside?"_

_"I just h-haven't eaten today."_ I said, trying to smile at her.

And I watched the light in her eyes.

_"When did you last eat?"_

_"Don't remember."_

_"Okay, get in my car. I'm taking you to the Bean and then we are going to a meeting. You haven't been all week, I've checked. They weren't supposed to tell me, but I have some pull. Luckily I was coming to find you just now."_

I didn't have it in me to fight. I just climbed into her passenger seat and closed my eyes while she drove.

_"How is she?"_

_"Who?"_ I muttered.

_"Your mother."_

_"Oh, she's good. Stubborn."_

_"So you get it honestly, then."_

* * *

I was being shaken awake moments later and startled, completely disoriented.

_"What?"_

_"You fell asleep."_ She handed me a cup and a bag. _"I went in, ordered food, had a whole call with your mother-in-law, and now I'm waking you up."_

_"What?"_

_"Eat, kid."_

I nodded and began to take large bites of my sandwich.

Waiting to be scolded, but instead, she was texting.

Manage expectations...I know better.

No bingeing.

I slowed down, taking smaller bites, and then I sat back when I was halfway through. I took a moment, a few deep breaths before taking small sips of my hot chocolate.

_"Thanks."_

_"I wasn't going to tell you what to do. You get that, right?"_ She said, putting down her phone and looking at me hard.

This was a different side of her. She had that quiet authority, the kind you just naturally respected.

_"Right."_

She grinned.

 _"Not a bottom...sure, kid."_ She patted my shoulder and then took a sip of my hot chocolate. How could I even argue that anymore? I was who I was created to be by Papi and Marco. _"God, is that what they are serving?"_ She shot a text out.

Within minutes, Dave was coming outside with another cup.

Walker put the window down and handed him the other one.

_"Sorry, ma'am."_

_"How much is a premium hot chocolate, David?"_

_"$10.50."_

_"Do you know how I get away with charging that much for something without coffee or alcohol in it?"_

_"The taste?"_

_"Are you asking me or telling me?"_

_"The taste, ma'am."_

_"Go back inside, contact the phone tree, we are going to have mandatory training. I want every single one of you to relearn how to make the fucking menu."_ She snapped, and he got pale.

_"Yes, ma'am."_

_"Go."_

* * *

_"That was harsh."_ I muttered as I began eating the second half of my sandwich since I felt much better already.

_"It's not. I think I've raised my voice like that with my staff, twice ever. This is an issue that began when I made David the manager of this location. He has always been somewhat lazy, and I thought it was because he was bored and that giving him a promotion would inspire him to do more. Be better but instead, he has inspired everyone under him to be just as lazy as he is. I could either fire him on the spot and risk retribution or bad yelp reviews, or I can take it back to the beginning and retrain. I promoted him, so it's on me if he fucks up. Does that make sense?"_

_"Yeah, it's like b-being cheer captain, ultimately if the team fucks up, it's on the captain and the coach."_

_"Exactly, and it's like that with recovery as well. You manage your recovery, there's going to be a million triggers that come along, like a bad employee, and you can either condition yourself to rise above your triggers, meaning train yourself to deal with them, or you can just give the fuck up and start all over again."  
_

_"Wow. I n-never thought of it like that."_

_"I was you, Santana, and I would be remiss if I did not pass on what I have learned. You have been struggling all week, and instead of managing your triggers, doing what you could to keep yourself from slipping, you've been giving in, slowly but surely."_

_"Maybe a little."_

_"You nearly passed out in a parking lot an hour ago."_

_"Right."_

_"Finish up. We can hit a meeting after I take you back home to rest."_

_"Rest? That doesn't exist, I have kids."_

_"Not that home...my home. Just a little nap, and then we can head to a meeting. Charlie has track after school today, so no need to worry about a teenage boy in your face."_

_"Charlie is great. He could never b-bother me."_

_"Yeah, I know, and if he had his way, he'd rope you into a gaming tournament thing."_

_"I'd love that."_

_"Today, you rest...maybe if you get your shit together, we can plan something this weekend."_

**_I'll be home after the meeting tonight. Around 5. You and Rob should go out to dinner, on me-Santana_ **

**_Are you sure?-Susan_ **

**_Yes. You've been my hero all week!-Santana_ **

**_Thanks, honey, I'll make a reservation! :)-Susan_ **

* * *

Walker wasn't kidding.

She took my phone and then forced me into her bed.

The moment that I closed my eyes, I could feel myself drifting. It was just after noon. How was I this tired?

My sleep was dreamless and deep.

When I woke up a while later, I felt foggy, unsure where I was at first, and then it all came back to me.

I stretched, and my body cracked in a dozen places as I stumbled out of bed.

Walker hadn't come back into the room from the looks of it since my pants were right where I tossed them by the door.

Sometimes I strip in my sleep...it's one of Britt's favorite things.

With more rest in me, my memory came back to me.

I had promised Susan that I'd check in on B.

And I had promised Rob that we'd go to the apartments to finalize plans.

I'm pretty sure I had also promised both Z and Pito something too.

But Mami had come first, even if I spent most of my time in her room just hovering.

Walker was right. I needed to prioritize. I could be a good daughter without letting my own world fall apart.

If I couldn't handle things as they were now when they were at a slower pace, how the hell was I supposed to handle New York?

While I mentally beat myself up, I made Walker's bed and then shimmied into my pants. My stomach growled as I walked out into the hallway.

I could hear Walker's voice, low and deep, coming from somewhere in the house, but I needed a bathroom way more than I needed another lecture.

What if I'd only slept for twenty minutes or something?

But no, I felt way more rested than a catnap could have provided.

After relieving myself and then washing my face, I took a few moments to just breathe.

* * *

When I stepped out into the hallway, Walker came up the stairs with my phone pressed to her ear.

I raised my eyebrow, but she just looked concerned.

 _"What now?"_ I sighed, holding my hand out for my phone.

 _"How are you feeling?"_ She asked, after putting the phone on mute.

_"Better, did I sleep long?"_

_"Three hours."_

_"Who is that?"_

_"I think it's Brittany...well, I know it's her, but s_ _he's crying so hard that I can barely understand her."_

I was immediately on high alert as I snatched the phone from her. Britt was not going to understand a random woman answering my phone. Separated or not.

Walker hadn't been exaggerating. Britt was crying, insanely hard.

Something bad had happened, and I immediately felt like shit for not checking in on her.

_"Britt? Are you okay?"_

_"No."_

_"Where are you?"_

_"My office. I had to d-distract myself."_

_"What's wrong?"_

_"I-I messed up...I'm r-really stupid."_

_"You're not stupid."_ Walker gestured towards her bedroom when the door opened downstairs, and Charlie was calling for her. I nodded and went back to her room and shut the door.

Britt was sobbing in my ear, and then she sighed.

_"I-I...I want to come home. I know that you don't want me there...but...my heart...it's b-br-breaking. It's broken, and I only want to be with you and the k-kids and my parents...fuck!"_

_"What is it? Please talk to me."_

I sat on the edge of the bed and waited. I was getting worried, but at the same time, Walker's words were still fresh. Brittany was a giant trigger for me, but that was only because I had given her all the power most of the time.

This time, I was just allowing her to come to me.

I silently prayed for her and for whatever was so bad that it got her this worked up, and then the words hit.

And I felt winded.

 _"I got...rid of the baby."_ She moaned into the phone.

Fuck.

 _"What happened?"_ I tried to say as calmly as possible, even though I was freaking out inside, abortion was not something that Brittany was built for. It wasn't for the meek.

_"He...he...convinced me that it would be for the best."_

My heart clenched.

I wanted to kill that asshole for manipulating her. I knew that he didn't want that baby, and once he could see that she was really pregnant and that I wasn't going to bankroll either of them, a reality with her became real to him. Britt, her mental illness, and a kid would be his life and it spooked him but I didn't think that he would go this far.

* * *

_"Where is he now?"_

_"He dropped from the show and disappeared. He stayed at the clinic until it was over, then he came back here and then resigned. Th-Then he told my bosses that I had pressured him into having sex. He's gone, Dionne's gone...I don't know what to do!"_

Neither did I.

I mean, this was the one thing that I hadn't done...the one thing that I had never gone through, so I really didn't know what to say.

All I knew was that my mind was running in circles, trying to think of how I could track him down and kill him.

So much for taking time away from Britt. I knew that she would need me now, so strong enough or not, I was going to have to deal with this.

I was going to have to try and at least calm her down enough to get her to breathe because it didn't sound like she was doing much of that at this moment.

_"Are you going to try and c-come home?"_

_"I-I can't."_

_"Why not?"_

_"He told my bosses...about us...they just left my office...they called me unprofessional and immature, and they told me that if I wanted to keep this job that I needed to commit myself fully to the show, and now it is my job to find a new male lead. It was harder to cast that role than the female lead. I have to keep moving forward. That's what they said."_

_"Oh...wow. Do you want me to come there?"_

_"No! Please...I just needed to hear your voice. I have to do this on my own. I screwed with what we had, and now I need to figure this out by myself."_

_"I'm here if you need me."_

_"I always need you, Ana...even now when I don't want you here. I will always need you."_

_"How long are y-you going to be at your office?"_

_"I have nowhere else to go. I had to m-move out of my place before the 30th. I would have gone to the house, but you know how Sandra feels about that. I'll just stay here on my sofa bed. It's really comfortable. Thank you for listening to me. I have to head to a meeting."_

_"Okay. Just...please promise me that you will call me if you need to talk and if not me, then Q...she's only a few blocks away."_

_"Maybe...I gotta go."_

_"I love y-"_ she hung up the phone before I finished.

I sat there with the phone in my lap and stared down at a picture of Britt holding Isaac.

 _"So, what happened?"_ I jumped when I realized that Walker was standing there.

_"She got an ab-abortion...she's really torn up about it."_

_"Wow."_

_"I know. I feel helpless. What should I do?"_

_"What did she tell you to do?"_

_"Stay here."_

_"Then that's what you are going to do."_

_"Right...but...she needs me."_

_"So does everyone else. You can only do so much. For now, clean your face, breathe...we can head out and grab a bite before the meeting."_

_"Yeah, okay."_

_"Hey?"_

I looked up at her and could see the concern on her face, she'd just given me this whole lecture, and I was prepared to throw it all out the window but I knew that I couldn't. This wasn't about me saving the day, this was about me saving myself.

I was useless to everyone who needed me if I wasn't around anymore.

 _"Okay, yeah. I get it."_ I said, not letting her continue. _"Manage expectations...put me first. I know."_

_"Good."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Hey, are you ready, B? We need to be on stage in ten minutes."_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Girl, we need you to get your shit together. You know that."_

_"I know, Tony, I'm just tired."_

_"Well, be tired later. Frank and August want us to run through every routine."_

_"I can't dance,"_ I said _. "My shoulder hurts. You know it's never been right after the gunshot."_

_"Fine, I'll dance with Ari, but you need to be on stage at least pretending to direct."_

_"Okay."_

He looked me over and then stormed from my office, leaving the door open so that anyone who passed it could see the mess and me, laying there eating Lucky Charms and probably smelling awful.

I used a baby wipe to clean my neck and face before shoving my hair into a ponytail. I felt like shit, but that didn't matter.

My job was on the line, and it was obvious that Santana wasn't going to stop her life for me.

Why should she?

I didn't deserve her.

No.

What I deserved was this, exactly, pain when I moved and nausea when I wasn't eating.

I passed Ari's office, and she was coming out smelling clean, her smile plastered on, but the moment she saw me, it dropped.

_"You okay, B?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you want me to get them to cancel this?"_

_"No."_

_"Are you sure you don't want my key to the house?"_

_"No. There's no use in you getting banned from the house too. Sandra probably has cameras up."_

_"Fair point."_

_"Let's get this over with."_

* * *

After running through the routines and promising that tomorrow, I'd be ready to dance it through myself, I went back to my office, locked the door, and turned off the lights.

If they didn't know I was in there, they couldn't bug me.

My body was screaming at me to not move, to just melt away into nothingness.

Instead, I curled around my box of cereal and watched videos of the kids and Ana.

The tears came...then...I finally began watching the video of my baby's heartbeat.

It was the only thing I had left.

My body felt sore and empty, while my head felt like it was full of bees and cotton candy.

I wanted to go home so bad, but I wasn't allowed.

Which was probably for the best. I'd only bring down Ana and the kids.

My parents had already lost one daughter, I didn't want them to see me like this and think the worst.

They only deserved to see me doing good and being happy.

Karma had kicked me right in the face, and I just needed to face it.

I'd get up at some point.

Right now, I just needed time.

And space.

And sleep, and when I was better, I would go get my wife.

And my kids.

I'd make a home and put this behind us.

There was no better place than with her.

Why did I have to keep learning this lesson?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

My soul hurt as I climbed the stairs up to the house.

The meeting had calmed me enough to think through hopping on a plane and tracking that motherfucker down.

And Walker insisting that I eat with her back at her house seemed to quell the nausea.

But going back to Britt's parents' house with news of their daughter's suffering wasn't easy.

I was disturbed on so many levels, and knowing that Britt was hurting and alone in this, well, that didn't sit right with me.

Her sleeping in her office instead of in our bed because she didn't have my network protecting her anymore, even though it was my fucking house, well that just pissed me off and if Sandra didn't have a newborn at home, I'd tell her about herself.

I knew better though, Sandra would tear me to pieces and not let me forget it...so then naturally the more cynical part of me kicked in, and I tried to stop myself from thinking about how she had done this to herself, and how she just had to face the music.

Only, every time I've needed recovery, despite what she put me through, she was there for me when I needed her, even if a big part of me felt betrayed by her.

Still, though, I know what it is like to lose a child, and whether she had done this willingly or not, there was still a loss of life, and when you are the type of person that Brittany is, that has got to tear into your spirit.

How was I supposed to help her through this?

Was there even a way?

When I went inside, Isaac was curled up on the couch with Rob watching monster trucks, and my baby was somewhere crying.

 _"Sounds like Mami is home,"_ Susan sang as she came into the room with my screaming little girl. _"Oh, look!"_

I smiled at them both and then took Daniela into my arms.

She calmed instantly.

_"Are you giving Gam a h-hard time? Hmm?"_

She gripped my boob, and I just rolled my eyes.

I looked over at Rob and Isaac, both engrossed in their trucks, and looked at Susan.

_"We need to talk."_

_"Kitchen?"_ She said, and I nodded.

I followed her to the table, and then I adjusted my shirt for Daniela to go to town.

She latched on, and I winced, my nipples were cracked, and her teeth did not help.

 _"It might be time to ween her, honey."_ Susan said, and I nodded.

_"Agreed...will you h-help me?"_

_"Of course, but does that mean you're staying longer?"_

_"I was thinking of staying until the end of the year."_

_"Oh wow...is this...what you needed to talk about? Do you need to stay longer?"_

_"No...this is about B."_

Susan looked nervous, and she should be.

_"Tell me...please?"_

I wasn't sure what to say exactly, but I knew that I had to tell Susan something, if I couldn't go to New York then at least she should. I knew that she would know how to treat the situation, which was needed because I was completely out of answers.

_"She called me a few hours ago...she's...she."_

My phone buzzed just then, and I pulled it out of my pocket because now I didn't want to be too far away if Britt needed me.

And like her amazing timing, Britt messaged me when I was across from the one person that knew her better than anyone else.

 _"Is that her?"_ Susan asked, and I just nodded as I messaged with Britt.

**_R u mad at me?-B_ **

**_No.-Ana_ **

**_Did u tell anyone yet? I can't do it myself...it's too hard.-B_ **

**_I'm with your mom. Do you want me to tell her?-Ana_ **

**_Yes.-B_ **

* * *

More tears came but I wiped at my face, trying to compose myself before reaching my free hand over to Susan. She was getting upset, and I knew I needed to just say the words, but they felt impossible to say.

She'd lost Court, and in a way, she was losing Britt.

_"What's going on?"_

_"She got an...she...the baby's gone."_ I muttered, not being able to say the word.

 _"She got an abortion?!"_ Susan looked like she'd been struck, then she was crying too as she spoke, _"She stood right in this house and told me that she wouldn't, what changed?"_

_"Grady...he pressured her into it, he stayed there until it was over and then went back and told her bosses about the affair and how she pressured him into and then he dropped from the show. She has no idea where he is."_

Susan looked at me with a clenched jaw and then brought her hands to her face.

I thought she was crying more, but after a moment, she took a deep breath and then looked at me with an angry glance.

Her tears wiped away.

I readjusted the baby, trying to remind her that she needed to be calm. She looked at the baby and then at me...her eyes desperate.

_"So, now what? Are you going to go to her?"_

_"She doesn't want me there. I offered...and she can't come here, or she's fired."_

_"My baby is over there all alone?"_

_"I'm sorry, Susan."_

_"This...this isn't your fault...it's mine. I should have been there for my daughter, but instead, I let anger cloud my judgment. This can cause her to return to her old habits. I really don't want her to end up in the mental hospital again. It was terrible. She was just unresponsive and cried all the time. I'll go do her, see if I can comfort her through this."_

_"What should I do?"_

Susan squeezed my hand.

_"You keep going to meetings and running your businesses. You worry about renovating your apartments and taking care of these kids today, tomorrow, and every day afterward. The best thing that you can do is focus on your babies. Focus on your recovery and then if and when the time is right...Brittany."_

_"So you agree with B...that I need to just stay here?"_

_"Yes...because you are right where you belong."_

* * *

On Friday, Mami was back at home comfortably and banned me from coming to see her if it was for anything other than to bring the kids over for her to love up on. Of course, I was absolutely not going to foist two babies on her when she was fresh out of the hospital.

So, I was forced to focus on myself...which I'm not as good at as I used to be.

I had already gone to a meeting and then returned to the house, promptly shooing Susan and Rob out the door with my credit card. I put on some Elmo and was just vegging on the couch with a book while the kids were hypnotized by that freaking monster.

As the nights went, it wasn't so bad.

Sure, maybe I needed to be doing some supermom shit, but I was exhausted, and the kids seemed to be just fine.

I was just getting into my book when my phone rang.

_"Yes?"_

_"As a business owner, you really should be answering nicer. Just a thought."_ Z said, and I sighed.

_"Sorry, Z. Is everything okay?"_

_"Yeah, a friend of yours stopped by and wanted to talk to you."_

_"Who?"_

The phone shuffled, and I heard a familiar laugh.

_"Hey, girl."_

_"Wheezy? Oh God, it's been forever, what's up? All good?"_

_"Everything is great. I'm in town for the weekend. I needed some hometown inspiration for my album. Z told me you were here. I took it as a sign. Are you busy?"_

_"Um...no more than normal, just here with the kids."_

_"Can I come see you?"_

_"Sure. I'm at Britt's...well, her parents."_

_"Oh cool, I'll be there in ten."_

I didn't spruce myself up for most people, but for Mercedes, I always felt like I needed to bring my A-game. So I cleaned up the toys and put on a movie for the kids, something not monster related, and Isaac whined but managed to get sucked in almost immediately.

Daniela, though, just wanted to sit next to me and keep her hand on my boob, as if it would leave her.

Mercedes knocked a few minutes later, and I went to move, but Daniela gripped me, so I had to put her on my hip as I made my way to the door, her hand still held onto my boob.

* * *

Seeing Mercedes made me feel choked up.

She was off living my dream, and I was jealous and proud.

When she wrapped her arms around the baby and me, I heard the stumbling of feet and then felt little arms wrap around my legs.

_"Oh Lord, look how big he is! Can I pick him up?"_

_"If he lets you."_

She held her arms out to him, and Isaac let her pick him up, squealing when she showered his face with kisses.

It felt good to just have no bad blood between us.

Mercedes was one of the few glee clubbers I could say that about.

 _"Come on in."_ I said, and she moved past me with Isaac and then put him back on the floor as she sat down.

He waved at her and then sat on the little foam lounger that Susan had got him and watched the movie.

Daniela clung to me, glaring at Mercedes every few seconds.

_"It's like looking at a smaller you. Wow. Did you just hit copy and paste?"_

_"Let's just hope that she doesn't have my attitude or we are all in tr-trouble."_

_"You got that right. So I won't keep you. I just wanted to talk to you in person."_

_"Alright, t-talk."_

_"Are you still writing music? You know, like you secretly did when no one was looking?"_

_"Uh...yes. How did you know that?"_

_"When you're expected to sway behind Rachel, you hear and see a lot."_

_"Touché."_

_"You play the piano too, right?"_

_"Yeah...why?"_ I tried not to get excited, but I knew I was failing.

What was she asking me?

_"Would you...want to maybe do a song together...lay down a track with some of your rock star piano playing and an original song? I can get you paid and everything."_

_"Of course!"_ I said feeling, joy, and light filling me for the first time in what felt like an eternity. _"I would be honored to."_

_"Great! There's a recording studio downtown...maybe we can't rent out space and practice?"_

I nodded my head in agreement.

 _"I know the place."_ I had been eyeing it but hadn't gotten up the courage to go in and book time.

When it came to music, my confidence was shot since losing my voice, but maybe it was time to get back to my first love.

This would be the perfect distraction from Brittany.

Hopefully.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I danced for them like a show monkey, and when they were satisfied, I demanded some time off, and I used Tony to do it. With him also confessing that he was overworked without the script being fully finalized, Frank and August said we could take a break coming in for a while as long as we booked time with the dancers once a week.

Once the scripts were done and workshopped, then we'd be forced to go back in.

So now I had a month and nowhere to go.

Frankie had rented out the house across the street, and with the way she was throwing herself at me the last time we talked, I wasn't going to put myself through that.

I left when everyone did and when they were gone, I snuck back in...happy to have the whole theater to myself.

Mom showed up in town for a few days, she wouldn't stop calling me and crying into the phone, but I wouldn't see her.

It was for her own good.

She deserved to see me better.

I made myself a ghost, hiding in the subway with the homeless guys during the day until she left.

My body still ached, but the freedom to just come and go felt worth it.

Everyone was better off.

And the longer I sat on that station platform, staring at the tracks, the more I was tempted to pitch myself in front of a train.

Mom called before she left and threatened to have me committed.

I don't know what she thought that would do, but it only sunk me further.

She was just so willing to throw me away.

Just like everyone else.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

With Susan gone for a week and Rob hard at work, I got to spend my free time with Mercedes, playing and recording during the kids' naptimes every single day, and I never felt happier.

Music was still my mistress, and I knew that I couldn't quit. I still had to pursue it, even if it was just writing the songs for the world to sing.

Of course, my euphoria didn't last long because soon enough, Susan was home, and everything shifted.

Seeing Susan come back from New York looking like she'd lost another child was heartbreaking.

Rob couldn't console her, so instead of trying, he started staying at the apartments all night, working instead of going against her grief.

Isaac was calling for her whenever he could, slapping his little hand on the door, but she wouldn't answer.

Each day, I'd get up and take care of the kids, then I would take care of her, making sure she ate and showered.

Then I would drag her out of the house to walk with me or over to the apartments to take Rob's lunch.

Britt's parents became my parents, and when I was sure they were okay, I'd put the kids in the car and go check on my own mother.

And then, finally, I would take my ass to a meeting with the kids in tow, grateful for the little children's area run by the nuns for these meetings.

Afterward, Walker, the kids, and I would go out to eat.

Sometimes at We Lime or the Lima Bean, and one time at Breadstix.

And do you know what happened that one time that I allowed myself to indulge?

I got a text from Brittany, with a picture of Walker, me, and the kids eating...and the text that simply said.

_**You deserve to be happy. :)-B** _

We hadn't even finished eating, so I looked around, and I knew right then who had been tipping her off about Sugar and now Walker.

JBI.

Motherfucker.

_**Not what you think. Just my Lima sponsor.-Ana** _

_**She's pretty, you should go for it. I'm not in the way.-B** _

_**What's that mean?-Ana** _

_**U R free, baby. You earned it.-B** _

_**You're talking nonsense. You're making me sad.-Ana** _

_**That's all I'll ever do-B** _

The tears were coming, and I didn't know what more to say to Britt, so I just took a deep breath and focused on my kids.

And when Charlie showed up, his skateboard under his arm, and sat next to his mom, I just smiled and focused on Isaac, who was mashing a meatball into his mouth.

Fuck JBI for making this more than just a friendship.

And fuck Britt for thinking I would move on with someone, have them around OUR kids, and not tell her about it. Fuck her for thinking that moving on would be easy for me, that just because she wasn't here physically that she wasn't going to always be in my way because even now, she was still IT for me.

* * *

_**Monday, October 14th, 2013** _

**_Oh, Henry..._ **

_**It took everything in me not to shove my fist down JBI's throat. Now I have to back peddle with Britt when she's at her lowest, and I shouldn't have to.** _

**_The only thing that has been keeping me sane is knowing that I'm still managing my expectations well when it comes to my recovery. I'm eating again on a schedule, and I'm still getting time to run, but now it just feels like I'm running from something._ **

**_There is good news, though, Mr. Oliver is officially back in his old place. It's freshly painted, the pipes and wiring are all new, and I replaced his whole bedroom set._ **

**_I got the happiest voicemail from him, and I had to listen twice to confirm it was him. This also means that I can move home soon._ **

**_But first, there is something I need to do, and it can't wait another moment._ **

_**I need to see Britt and bring her back here if I can. Something in my gut tells me that if I don't go soon, there won't be a Brittany left, and that's the scariest thought of all.** _

**_My heart cannot understand a world where Brittany doesn't exist._ **

**_Santana_ **

* * *

The idea, was that I was going to drag Brittany from whatever hole she climbed into and with some help from my mother, who was BORED in her recovery, Susan began to become herself again knowing that I'd help Britt after all.

Mami promised me that she would be a thorn in Susan's side until I returned to do it myself.

At first, I was going to make my way to the city alone, but then I called Doc and CiCi while in the car with Walker.

The three of them convinced me that it wasn't the best way to handle what I could be walking into because if Susan was jacked up just from the pursuit of Britt, what would my actually finding her do to me.

I knew that she was mourning the baby she had lost and that us being in limbo didn't help matters, so I was willing to listen to all the advice that I could get. Doc brought up that by going to see her and help her, I might just be setting some things in motion between us.

She asked me if I was ready for that, and I was honest with her...if I waited until I was 'ready,' it would never come.

I thrived off of pressure.

But then I said, just in jest to Walker that should come with me.

And then Doc agreed and CiCi too.

Before I knew it, we were setting up a time for us to have coffee.

It felt good to not be discouraged from going after Britt. What also felt good was knowing that Walker would be there with me...someone who took no shit and wasn't afraid of me.

She and Nico would have gotten along very well.

Britt needed me to be there for her, to at the very least get her on her feet so she could turn this thing around, and I wasn't going to give up on her no matter how much shit I got from anyone.

Thankfully, those that mattered didn't fight me.

It was like I was gaining trust again, and it felt so damn good, that alone was a good enough reason to stay sober.


	8. One Foot (Fun.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light before Dark...this is fluffy as far as my crazy butt is concerned. Working on the next...should be up in the next 12 hours. I'm going to do my best to be at 10 chapters before the stroke of midnight NYE (EST). :) You're free to hold me to it.

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Are you sure you want to come with me?"_ I asked Walker as we walked through the park after our meeting on Monday night.

_"I already told you that I would go with you. Charlie is already set to stay with my sister, and we made dinner reservations with your sponsor. The question is, are YOU sure that you want me to come?"_

_"Well...I was just th-thinking about how I'd explain you being there to Brittany."_

_"What's there to explain? We're sober buddies and business partners."_

_"Business partners?"_

_"Well, yes, I've been mentoring you about business ownership and the like, have I not?"_

_"And going on s-semi-dates with the kids and me."_

_"Hangouts. We haven't had sex, and I am married."_

_"Wait...how did I not know this?"_

_"I don't wear a ring, and things are a bit strained between Heather and me at the moment, but that's understandable. She spends half the year working in London and half her time here. We make it work for Charlie. He's the most important thing to us both. To be honest, that's why you've seen me so much. My temptations rise when she's gone. The meetings and this friendship have been a great distraction."_

_"I don't wear a ring, but you know that I'm married. Shit...this is...wow."_

_"You okay? You're pouting."_

_"I just um...feel so dumb for not knowing anything about you."_

_"Don't be. I have enjoyed you not judging me for dumb mistakes in my past. Even now, over a decade of staying sober and people in my circle and my family still side-eye me."_

_"Wow...people still doubt you? S-Something to look forward to, I guess."_

_"People trust you more than you realize, Susan, especially."_

_"You're right."_

_"I usually am. So how long are we staying?"_

_"Just a few days. Three, maybe."_

* * *

**_Wednesday, October 16, 2013_ **

**_Hi Henry,_ **

**_Not like, I completely forgot about my grand opening this Friday. I just got a frantic call from Z, asking what time we should do our soft open tomorrow. I have been so absorbed with planning my trip to New York that I forgot my own shit._ **

**_This can't be how letting Britt back into my life affects me._ **

**_I need to be able to stay on track, and I can't do that if I stop putting myself first again. I have to be a little bit selfish, or I'm going to be a martyr again, putting everyone before myself until I crack under the pressure._ **

**_Thankfully, I have Walker! She has canceled a trip to the CoCo Bean to walk me through this final training with the staff and the general opening shenanigans'. I had planned to go straight to New York today, but now Britt has to wait a few days._ **

**_Walker insists that I need to be available two days before and after my opening to handle any mishaps._ **

**_So it looks like Monday is the day that we leave, and instead of going for three days, I'm making it a whole week. Britt needs help, and I need to check in with Doc._ **

**_Among other things._ **

**_Wish me luck, pray for me, and God, please keep me sober._ **

**_-Santana_ **

* * *

_"Thanks for this."_ I said to Sue as we ran together on Thursday morning while the Cheerios worked on their Sectional routine on the football field.

_"It's a point of pride for me that one of my Cheerios is branching out and preparing to take over the world. You will be a shrewd businesswoman and successful because that's how I raised you."_

_"Raised me?"_

She chuckled and then picked up her pace. I gulped some air and then met her stride for stride, despite her legs being longer. I'm convinced that she was going easy on me, not that she'd ever admit it.

_"I've been keeping tabs on Britt, and I'm glad you're going to check on her."_

_"What do your sources say?"_

_"A great many things. Grady has lodged a sexual harassment claim against the theater company and Brittany, but it's only gaining traction because she can be linked to Marco through you."_

_"Is this going to be a b-big deal?"_

_"Unless you know anyone that can make things go away? You know, without trading drugs for favors."_

_"I do."_

_"It might be good for you to reach out to your contacts, Brittany is many things, but she's not a sexual predator."_

_"Predator?"_

_"They're saying some pretty shitty things, Santana, I won't lie to you. I wanted to kill Brittany with my bare hands when I found out what she did to you, but I can honestly say, whatever happened between her and that guy was consensual."_

_"Oh, definitely."_

_"On a lighter note, I've got Tor and her friends passing out those flyers at the pep rally tonight...they have coupons on them for a free scoop with a valid ticket stub to Friday night's game."_

_"Genius,"_ I said.

_"Understatement."_

_"Naturally."_

_"You're going to the city with this new sober friend of yours, correct?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Will you being seeing Q?"_

_"I might if she h-has time."_

_"She'll make time, listen, I want you to be smart about this trip. Fill up your time with your network. Brittany is in a dark place, don't let her drag you back down. She's always been able to bounce back much easier than you. Remember that."_

_"Yes, coach."_

_"Alright, I'll leave you here, kiss those babies for me."_ I saluted Sue and ran in place, bringing my heart rate back down as I watched her run towards the field.

While I was exhausted, the run seemed to have energized her.

She was yelling at the Cheerios before I even crossed the street to the apartments.

* * *

Mr. Oliver moved back into his apartment last weekend, and I've been so wrapped up in my own shit that I hadn't checked in. I was going to correct that lapse in judgment if for nothing else, to check out Rob's work.

So after toweling off in the hallway, I knocked on Mr. Oliver's door just as hard as he liked to knock on mine.

The door swung open, and I lost my whole breath.

 _"Uh..."_ I checked the number on the door and then looked into the most beautiful eyes I had seen outside of Britt's. _"Is Mr. Oliver here?"_

 _"He's resting. Who are you?"_ She leaned against the door jamb and smirked at me.

 _"I'm his u-upstairs neighbor and the owner of this b-building."_ I stuttered. She was looking at my chest, and then her eyes trailed down. That's when I remembered that I was in my sports bra and track pants. I was probably still glistening from my run too.

She was hot but was so not what I needed at that moment.

I wiped my sweaty hand on my pants and then stuck out my fist. She bumped it and then looked behind her before pulling the door closed and stepping out into the hall with me.

_"I'm Sofia. His care aide, I just started last week when he was still upstairs. You're the young mulata that lives above him?"_

_"I'm Puerto Rican."_

_"Yeah, he has no idea what anyone is. He asked if I'm from the hood and told me he's cataloged all of his stuff. I've been making sure to leave anything that I usually carry in my car and essentially I show him that I have nothing of his when I leave. He's stuck in a different time, I guess."_ She shrugged and then looked at my chest again before looking in my eyes.

I was checking her out, too, but I was a little less obvious about it.

_"Mmm. I just c-came to check out the apartment."_

_"He just took his medicine, so he's dead to the world. You can go in and walk around."_

_"Thanks."_

She opened the door again, and I followed her in, the scent of her cinnamon perfume trailing behind her, distracting me.

Is this what Marco meant when he said he could see that I was trouble from the start?

* * *

The new carpet, fresh paint, and brand new windows made the apartment look like it was in an upscale building in Manhattan and not a ground floor in Lima.

When he moved on, I'd be able to double the rent for sure.

Mr. Oliver slept right through my glance into his bedroom and my little flirtations with his aide.

I was horny without Sugar around to feed my urges, and with Britt so out of touch, there was no way that we'd be having sex for a really long time.

And as I've established, I have needs.

Escorting trained my sex drive to need more than I could supply, and this woman, Sofia, was practically throwing herself at me.

I stepped into the hall with the intention of checking on my own apartment when long fingers scratched at that fucking spot on the back of my neck, and then I was being pressed back against the stucco.

Her lips tasted like cigarettes and chocolate.

A taste that I missed more than I cared to admit.

I rested one hand on her ass, and the other gripped her arm.

She was like pure sex, and I was prepared to be hers for however long she wanted.

But then a throat was clearing, and I turned my head towards the sound, Sofia began nibbling at my neck, and I groaned.

Like his daughter, my father-in-law had uncanny timing.

Rob had been so good about me exploring my options, knowing what Britt had put me through, but at this moment, with a woman pressed up against me...I could see that wasn't the case anymore.

 _"Stop."_ I pushed the girl back, and that's when she noticed Rob and the Vixen turned into a demure, apologetic mouse. She muttered an apology and then went back into Mr. Oliver's apartment, leaving me to deal with the aftermath of a one-off make out.

 _"Rob...I...uh..."_ My words fell flat as he stared daggers through me, then he wiped a literal tear from his eye before walking past me up the stairs. _"Wait!"_ I called after him.

He turned on the stairs, and our eyes met again. I could see my wife in his eyes, and it felt like a knife was in my chest.

_"You're separated. She's hurt you, and I have respected your boundaries and needs, but this kind of reckless behavior isn't appropriate."_

_"Rob, I...it was just...I-I-I, fuck."_

_"Do you even know her?"_

_"No."_ I hung my head, not used to this kind of scolding.

 _"Look at me."_ He was closer now, his hand cupping my chin, and I flinched, but I looked up at him. _"Reckless behavior comes before a spiral. I know your trend, Santana. Go to a meeting. Call Walker. Go see the kids. Don't come back here until you've got your head on straight."_

He sounded like Doc.

And CiCi.

_"I'm sorry. Don't tell Susan. Please?"_

He leaned forward, dropped a kiss on my forehead, and then took a step back.

_"Maybe this trip to New York will do you just as much good for you as it will for Brittany. Every person between you two is a wall...now is not the time to add more."_

_"I know."_

_"Go."_

* * *

**_Friday, October 18th, 2013_ **

**_Henry,_ **

**_Things have been so weird since Rob caught me with that girl. He hasn't said anything to Susan from what I can tell, but he's been different with me. There's a wall now, and I don't know how to get past it._ **

**_I've been on my best behavior since, though, two meetings a day, daily check-ins with Cici and Walker, and complete focus on getting the Rage Cage ready. We painted the whole strip mall, all the stores got a face lift. Rob has been doing everything I ask of him, which makes me feel even shittier about going around him._ **

**_Sofia and I have been finding little moments to hookup. It's nothing serious, really just me scratching an itch. I haven't told her much about me. She knows I have kids, and that's about it. I haven't even had her up to my apartment, just hook-ups under the bleachers across the street._ **

**_It's all temporary, and I know that I'm being stupid, but it doesn't feel reckless._ **

**_Maybe I'm just bored?_ **

**_My head is all over the place, Henry. I'm not sure how I can fix it._ **

**_-Santana_ **

* * *

Thanks to Sue, getting the word out, and the general undercurrent of rage in Lima, we were a hit. The cages stayed full all night long, and we were nearly sold out of ice cream by the time we closed.

Charlie and Walker showed up around closing time, taking over a cage, while Z and I went over the numbers.

We'd made over a grand in our first night.

He swept me up in a tight hug and kissed my face.

_"You are a godsend, Santana."_

_"Thanks."_

_"You're sticking around this weekend, right?"_

_"Yup, we are leaving Sunday night, and we will be back on Friday, just in time for another Game Night Special."_

_"Perfect."_

Things with Sofia had cooled since I admitted that I was married the night before. She told me that she really wasn't into breaking up families. She gave me the whole; it's not you, it's me speech, and that was where we left things.

And the only person who had met her was Rob, but here she was, as we all stepped into the parking lot, leaned against a car.

 _"Sis, you missed it!"_ Z said, and I froze.

Sister?

 _"Hey bro, my client died this afternoon. I um...wasn't up for this. I just came by to let you know why."_ She said to Z and then she saw me. _"Hi, Santana."_

Walker stood by my side now as I stood there feeling nauseous.

_"Hi. I didn't know you were his sister."_

_"We were raised together. He's my godbrother."_

_"Oh."_

_"Is this your wife?"_ She said, looking at Walker.

_"No. My f-friend. Sorry about your client."_

_"Me too. He was crotchety but sweet in his own way. I'm sure you'll be happy he's gone."_

My heart went still.

_"Wait, Mr. O-Oliver?"_

_"Yeah. In his sleep. I showed up to work, and he was already cold. He had no family, so I'm not sure what happens next."_

* * *

The mood between all of us shifted after that.

I shakily climbed in my car and took about one hundred deep breaths before heading home.

Rob had been right.

I could feel it, the darkness lingering just beneath my skin, and I was on autopilot.

My children were at home with Susan, and I drove in the opposite direction towards my apartment building.

I parked next to Mr. Oliver's old station wagon and stared at the dark building.

Officially, I was the only tenant now, and while this meant I could overhaul the whole place in my own time, it also meant that I had only one place in the world that was just mine.

I was about to call her, but headlights pulled into the parking lot, and then a cute little Bug was pulling in beside me.

Sofia looked at me with red-rimmed eyes and a soft smile.

And then she held up a little baggie, and my throat went dry.

Pills.

Now, I could do one of two things.

Driveaway or go up to my apartment with this girl, have as much sex as I could handle, and take those pills.

The answer seemed obvious.

I held up a finger and then looked down at my phone.

**_I know you are probably getting in bed, but I think I'm about to fuck up.-Santana_ **

My phone rang immediately.

 _"Hey."_ I said into the phone.

_"Where are you?"_

_"In my c-car."_

_"Where's the temptation?"_

_"In the other c-car with Sofia."_

_"Leave. Don't say goodbye or give her any excuses. You need to leave there and go home to your kids. Charlie and I will meet you there, it can be a sleepover. Okay?"_

_"Thanks._

_"Hook up your Bluetooth. I'm not getting off this phone until I see you with my own eyes, okay kid?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

I sat staring at the wall of pictures in the Pierces' living room in the middle of the night with Daniela latched on. We'd been making strides with her being weaned off of my boob, but right then, I needed the comfort.

She was my tether to the present.

Charlie and Isaac were curled up on the overstuffed couch that Britt loved so much that she had us get the same one for the house in New York. Walker was lying beside me, scrolling on her phone and humming to herself.

This was the first time that we'd been spending any time together overnight, and it was happening in my wife's parents' house.

 _"This was where we first kissed."_ I said more to myself than to Walker.

_"She's a pretty girl. How'd you two get from those happy cheerleaders to this?"_

_"A complicated set of missteps."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I have this dream that I never answered that call from Marco...or that I just never gave him the power...that I came out to everyone, we had an awesome year. She was my prom date, and then we moved to New York, she'd go to Julliard, and I would be working towards law school. It was the dream."_

I traced the Marco dimple on Daniela's chin and smiled to myself.

He'd given me her...maybe on purpose, maybe not, but he'd been there at the end.

His Preciosa.

His only good thing.

 _"You loved him."_ Walker shifted and stared me dead in my face. _"That's the hangup, isn't it?"_

_"What?"_

_"A lot of this could have been avoided if you didn't love him. It seems like your love for him has driven Brittany to the very edge of her own sanity."_

_"So it's my fault...all of this?"_

_"What do you think, Santana?"_

_"I blame him...and her."_

_"What about taking accountability for your actions. Even tonight with this girl...you let this progress when you KNOW that we are going to New York, and you'll have to face Brittany. You carry your guilt on your face and in your body language. It was YOU that told me that you wanted to be serious about your marriage, but your words and your actions contradict."_

_"I know."_

_"What do you want?"_

_"Her."_

_"Her, who?"_

_"Britt. Still."_

_"Love with action is irrelevant. Action without love is meaningless."_

_"Profound."_

_"Chopra. Do you get what that means?"_

_"I can love her, but if I don't sh-show it, it's irrelevant. A waste of time."_

_"Exactly...and action?"_

_"Going through the motions without love for her is a waste of time. It means nothing."_

_"You going to New York is putting action behind your love. Don't cheapen it with distractions and things that will take you off your path. If you stop and indulge in every temptation on your path, you will stop being sober. I swear to you."_

_"Shit."_ I muttered, then looked at the wall again.

I'd opened Britt up to temptation, and now I was feeling annoyed that she went along with it.

I keep saying I don't want to be led by anyone, but then I lead and fuck it all up.

And Britt, I take her power away, and she goes looking for it in other people who tear her apart.

_"You okay?"_

_"It's my f-fault, and I need to fix it. Not just for her, but for me and for these kids."_

_"That-a girl."_

* * *

_"I need to talk to you."_ I stormed into the Rage Cage a half hour before opening the next morning with my heart a jumble of weird.

Explaining to my in-laws why they woke up to Walker and Charlie sleeping in their living room without admitting to being near spiraling had been hard, and I just didn't need that kind of nonsense.

So I went to someone who had always had my back, and I knew for a fact would help me navigate this shit.

_"Is this about you and Sofia hooking up because I want no part in that carpet munching drama."_

I raised my eyebrow, and he dropped his crossed arms and remembered that we weren't in the halls of McKinley and that I was very much his boss.

 _"She dangled a bag of p-pills in my face."_ I said, and he looked stunned.

_"There's no way she's going to throw away her life like that. She's not some kinda junkie."_

_"But I am some kinda junkie, Z. I can't be mixed up with her. Tell me she's not going to be a problem."_

_"Look, she's been staying in town for that old guy, but she has other patients closer to where she lives in Indiana. I'll tell her to back off, but I can't make her."_

_"Fuck."_ I slammed my hand against the counter and then tried to breathe.

Z put a crate on the counter.

_"You have yet to throw an ax. Maybe now is a good time."_

I looked at the crate and then up at him.

_"Is there something that turns her off?"_

Z thought about it and then smirked.

_"Yeah."_

_"What?"_

_"God."_

_"Huh?"_

_"She's super anti-religion. You want to get rid of her, start being the good church girl you used to be."_

My mood was lifted as I picked up the crate...if there was anything I knew how to do, it was to be a church girl.

God is so good.

* * *

After checking in on the Rage Cage and the other business on the strip, I grabbed a large coffee for myself and a extra whip Frappuccino for the other big kid in my life before heading to the apartments.

I even drove fast enough for the whip cream to be intact but slow enough to not make it fly everywhere.

And when I pulled up next to Britt's old pickup that he'd been using for supplies, I felt resolved in my decision.

Walker and I had talked about this for a few days now. Today was the day that I stopped making bad decisions.

So, I grabbed the coffee, a manila folder, and followed the sound of the table saw into the apartment across from Mr. Oliver's.

I had sex in that place with Sofia not two days prior, and now I was standing here, hoping to make amends.

Having learned my lesson with scaring people with power tools, I stepped into Rob's line of sight and then waited for him to finish.

He looked annoyed, but then I shook the Frappuccino at him, and he smirked.

Just like always, the Lopez charm trumps the Pierce grudges.

I had plenty of practice under my belt, which meant that I also had gotten really good at speaking their language.

When the saw stopped, he tossed the wood to the side and wiped his hands on his jeans before taking the sugary drink from me.

 _"Thanks."_ He grunted and then took a long sip from the cup before leaning back against the wall.

 _"You're welcome. Can we...talk?"_ I asked.

 _"Talk."_ He said.

_"No, I meant, upstairs, c-casually in my apartment. Please?"_

He raised his eyebrows and then nodded.

_"This isn't a setup, is it? If Suzie sees me drinking this, I'll never hear the end of it. You aren't getting back at me for the cold shoulder, are ya?"_

_"Ha. No...it's a good move, but it's not one I thought wise."_

_"Good. Alright, but just for a while, I want to get this wall built."_

_"Okay. A while it is."_

I led the way up to my apartment, hoping that my method of sitting a person down to talk would work on my father-in-law. He had been my ally in the family aside from Court, and I had already lost her. I couldn't lose him too. I mean, Susan is great, but I just know that if she had to choose, like really pick, she'd choose Britt every time.

Rob though, he could be swayed.

* * *

When I pushed open my apartment door, there sat Sal with his feet up on my coffee table, sipping on espresso from the machine that Sugar had bought me.

 _"You're early."_ I said, and he shrugged.

_"I'm on time. You could learn a thing or two about that."_

Rob snorted and then put his hand out.

He and Sal did the pleasantry thing while I kicked off my heels and sat back in my recliner.

Taking my lead, Rob sat next to Sal, and his eyes trailed to whatever reality show Sal had been watching.

 _"So, talk."_ Rob said, looking back at me.

 _"You were right about her."_ I said, and he nodded but didn't respond. _"Last night, she um...offered me drugs."_ Sal was looking at me now, and then he glanced up at the smoke detector, and then a memory came back to me...of Sandra putting cameras up.

I looked back, and the little light blinked.

 _"What?"_ Rob asked.

 _"Cameras."_ I said. _"My sister."_

 _"That's invasive. Want me to take them down?"_ He asked, looking amused.

_"Nah, keeps me accountable."_

_"Accountability, huh? That why you had a sleepover in the living room with Walker?"_

_"It is. I didn't use. I just called W-Walker. She reamed me out about my choices and the part I play in my downfall."_

_"Good. I like her. She's got a good head on her shoulders."_

_"I think so."_

_"So, I was right, now what?"_

_"Well, before all of this, I had plans for you...for your f-future."_

_"Okay?"_

_"Relax, drink up."_ I said he took a long drink from his coffee (if you could call it that).

_"What about my future?"_

I put the manila folder on the coffee table and shoved at Sal's feet. He glared but put his feet on the floor.

_"So, I'm starting a property management company. I want to have oversight on all my properties, and I want you to be a part of that. In fact, I'd like you to run it. I need more than a super. I need someone who will look after e-everything. At times you'll need to come to the city and look after those properties. Since your daughter and grandkids are there, it gives you plenty of reasons to visit. It will be covered under company expenses. You'll have a s-salary and benefits. You can go to Chicago and set a schedule to check-in, or you can stay where you are."_

_"Wow, Santana, that's too much. I mean, I'm just a general contractor."_

_"And my dad, well, as close as I'm going to get. I lost my dad, and you lost your daughter...so, it only fits that we cement our family bond through our loss."_

_"What if you separate from Brittany for good?"_

_"That's why Sal is here. You'll be a partner, not my employee. If things get bad...you can dissolve and take half of the company. I want to make sure that you never have to rely on other people for work. If you need to cry all day, you can. This is the least I could do. Say you'll do it...please?"_

_"I'll have to talk to Susan."_

_"I already did. She's waiting for you to call her with your decision."_

_"This is amazing. I won't let you down."_

_"I know...will you be my dad again?"_

I got the biggest bear hug in the world, and then he kissed the top of my head.

_"Being your bonus dad is one the best things ever...just know this means I expect an awesome father's day gift."_

_"Noted."_

* * *

I was hanging out with the kids while packing up my suitcase when there was a knock on the room door.

When I looked up, Susan was standing there, and then she moved over, and there was Mami, on her feet, looking at me with a glare.

_"Oh no...what?"_

_"Susan tells me that you are taking this new friend of yours to New York to dangle in front of Brittany."_

I raised my eyebrow, and from the corner of my eye, I could see Isaac drop his crinkly book and cross his arms.

 _"Oh Lord, this is adorable!"_ Susan snapped a picture of us both, and I rolled my eyes at her.

_"She's helping me, Mami."_

_"In what ways?"_

_"She's married, and so am I."_ I tried to reason. _"And even though they are b-babies, I'd rather not have this talk in front of my kids."_

 _"If you haven't been doing anything with this woman, then it shouldn't matter if you have this talk in the middle of the street. I just feel left out of the loop."_ Her voice raised, and then she was crying.

Susan rubbed at her back, and then Isaac dropped his arms and began to pout.

_"Stop, Mami. Nothing is going on. I'm going to the city to see if I can help B. We all know that I'm the only one who can...I w-would have gone sooner, but I needed to be here for the store opening."_

_"How will you explain this woman to her?"_

_"Don't worry about that. Walker is my friend."_

_"Okay, but you can't honestly tell me that you haven't been sleeping around."_ She whispered.

_"I have been with two people in the three m-months that I've been here. Sugar and S-Sofia. I'm done with both of them."_

_"Sofia? Who is that?"_ Susan cut in. _"When did that happen?"_

I rubbed at the back of my neck. Rob had obviously kept his word and said nothing.

 _"L-Last week."_ I lied.

 _"Before or after you talked to my daughter?"_ Susan said, tears in her eyes now too.

 _"Af-After."_ I said, and she nodded. Then she looked around the room and then at me.

_"Is your apartment finished yet?"_

I was floored. Was Susan putting me out?

_"Yes, just th-this week."_

_"You'll be moving back there when you get back from New York, right?"_

_"Yeah, I can do that."_

_"Good. It's probably best, all the way around."_

The two moms left, and now I was crying.

 _"Mami, no cry."_ Isaac said, and I just bit my lip and tried to hold it in, but my son knew me well. He crawled closer and slipped his hand into mine. I looked into those eyes, Ian's eyes, and I whimpered. _"No cry."_ He said again, and I nodded.

_"Okay, Papa."_

_"Ma!"_ Daniela called from her playpen. I looked over, and she had something brown smeared on her face.

 _"Fuck."_ I muttered.

Or as B would say Poop explosion, and then I thought of how much this would make her giggle, so before I cleaned the shit off my daughter's face, I snapped a few pics.

Something in this was a metaphor. I put Isaac on my hip and then pulled the kid jail out of the room towards the bathroom. I could hear Susan and my mother crying in her bedroom. They were probably lamenting my existence.

I left the baby in the hall, letting her smear that shit wherever she wanted...fuck it. Isaac squealed when he saw that I was filling up the tub with bubbles.

 _"What on Earth?! Santana!"_ Susan called me from the other side of the baby's playpen.

_"Hmm?"_

_"Do you see what she's doing?"_

_"Yup. Wanna take this kid while I deal with her?"_

_"No, I'll clean her up. At this rate, you'll get pinkeye and not be able to get to New York for Britt. Just give him his bubble bath. There's no distracting him."_ She said as she scrunched up her face at the baby. _"Gladys, come help!"_

* * *

**_Dear Henry,_ **

**_I have never been more excited to get the fuck away from a group of people._ **

**_Currently, I am on a plane with Walker and my mini-me, who decided to put up a fuss about me leaving him._ **

**_Mami and Susan are going to take care of the baby all week long, which will definitely help with weening her. I'm nervous about the Brittany that I'll find in New York, and I'm terrified to admit to Doc that I nearly slipped._ **

**_Things with Sofia got cut quick when Z "caught" himself, warning her about me. How I'm crazy, I was an escort, I'd gotten spit-roasted between him and Ian. He just went in on how shitty I am as a human before I committed my life to Christ. She texted me this morning and told me that things weren't going to work out._ **

**_And honestly, I'm good with that. For once, my rep served me well._ **

**_Now with her out of the way, I can really try to help Britt out of this rut._ **

**_Isaac has been curled up in my lap, staring out of this window for twenty minutes, and it makes me emotional, soon enough he will be too big to sit on his Mami's lap like this._ **

**_So I need to be present._ **

**_Wish me luck, Hen. I think I'm going to need it._ **

**_-Santana_ **


	9. No Light, No Light (Florence and the Machine)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Walker's face lit up as we rode in a cab towards my house.

_"Have you never been to New York before?"_

She looked at me for a long, vacant moment and then looked back out of the window in time to see Times Square. I had purposely asked the cabbie to take the tourist route. The city at night was always my favorite. The lights and the people bustling around was worth the noise.

Walker looked wistful.

 _"Not sober."_ She muttered, and I knew it was a sore spot.

_"Welcome then."_

_"Where are we staying?"_

_"My house, it should be em-empty. Ari is back at school, and Britt doesn't have keys."_

_"That's shitty."_

_"Yeah, well, my family can be shitty in the spirit of protecting me."_

_"Good to know."_

_"Maybe you can bring Charlie back here, see a show or something. I'd be happy to host you."_

_"That's a good idea, thanks, kid."_

_"Anytime."_

Isaac crawled from my lap to Walker's, trying to see out of the window.

She held him tightly, and I was able to look away.

All morning, I had been messaging Britt, but she wasn't answering me.

In fact, for days, I had been trying to talk to her, but she was radio silent.

No me gusta.

_**Hey, are you guys working tomorrow?-Anita** _

The response was immediate, of course.

_**Yes! Come when we're on a break, around noon. Are you here already?-Ari** _

_**I am, does she know?-Anita** _

_**Not unless her mom told her. I haven't told her. I think that you need to see her as she is.-Ari** _

_**How long is your break?-Anita** _

_**Two hours, band will be practicing.-Ari** _

_**Great, I'll see you then.-Anita** _

* * *

The only person I told that we were coming to New York, other than Ari, was Quinn.

Something about the way Sue had asked about me seeing Quinn seemed ominous and didn't want to leave anything to chance.

So it was no surprise that she was waiting at the foot of the steps when the cab pulled up.

 _"Dama."_ Isaac whispered sleepily from Walker's shoulder.

 _"Hand him here."_ I said, and Walker seemed to get it...not wanting to look like I had built a family with her. Once my son was in my arms again, Walker got out and held the door open for me.

Quinn's eyebrow was raised as she looked from Walker to me, but I tried not to pay it any mind. Instead, I handed her Isaac and kissed her cheek.

 _"I missed you."_ I said, and Q smirked.

_"I missed you too."_

_"Your sisters wanted to bombard you with a family dinner tonight, but I insisted that it was too much. Tomorrow after you deal with B, everyone is coming over. You've been warned."_

_"Thanks."_

I helped Walker with the bags as we followed Quinn into the house.

From the smell of it, she'd been here early and cleaned a bit.

It was freshly mopped and dusted.

 _"You cleaned up!"_ I said to Q, and she shook her head as she laid Isaac down on the couch.

_"Nope, this was Ari. She gave her keys back to Sandra a while back and didn't want to ask her for them back, so she came to me for my set."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah, I didn't think anything of it until you called and told me you were coming."_

_"That's the Fabray way, don't ask questions."_

_"Exactly."_

* * *

Walker seemed exhausted, so I left her in the downstairs guest room while I headed upstairs with Isaac and Q.

Once we were alone, Quinn dropped the polite act.

Just like I knew she would.

_"Are you two fucking? I never took you for banging older women."_

_"No. Watch your language, and for your information, I have banged women older than her...when I escorted."_ We were getting Isaac changed and set up in my bed, with the noise machine on. He was half asleep as he watched us talk.

_"Right, sorry, it's been a while since I had any good gossip. So you have a platonic friend, is she like the first you haven't slept with?"_

_"I haven't slept with Rachel or Mercedes...or Tina."_ I said.

_"Right, those aren't really your friends, not like Carmen or me."_

_"Look, I'm turning over a new leaf. I don't need to sleep with everyone. She's been amazing to me, and I'd like things to stay exactly how they are."_

_"Okay, how's it feel to barely stutter these days?"_

_"Amazing, it happens when I'm flustered or tired."_

_"Not bad."_

_"How about you? Still screwing the hobbit?"_

_"Meh."_ Quinn shrugged and then leaned over and kissed Isaac. _"It was a summer fling, once we were back here...things changed."_

_"As in?"_

_"I'm pretty sure she's screwing Puck, and you know, I'm okay with that. I have my eye on the prize."_

_"Med school or my sister?"_

_"Would you hate me if I said both?"_

_"Nope, you two are endgame. I'm calling it now."_

_"You sure? She is thrilled with this, Maggie, Megan, Mary person."_ Quinn rolled her eyes and got a little pink.

_"Aww, you're jealous."_

_"Well yeah, I want her back, and without you here, my Sunday dinner invites are far and few between."_

_"Is that your way of asking when I'm moving back?"_

_"Yes. It's been three months, Britt's flailing, I'm lonely, and your sisters are closing rank. The only person who still talks to me is Ari, and she's in love or something. I need my girl back."_

I pulled Q into a tight hug, and she let out a sigh.

_"Soon enough, Q."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Good."_

* * *

I woke up way too early the next morning, with Quinn spooning me and Isaac pressed against my front. Being back home felt right or almost. I missed B, and I felt like I had left her floundering for long enough.

A part of me expected her to reach out again, especially if I left enough breadcrumbs that I was on my way to save her but still, I got nothing.

My original plan had been to come here for three days, to bombard her with Isaac and me...happiness but waking up in our bedroom with Quinn snoring in my ear and my son looking at peace...I knew I had to change the plan.

 _"Q?"_ I whispered and then threw back an elbow.

_"Ow...that was so not necessary."_

_"You up?"_

_"Obviously, what's up?"_

_"Do you have class today?"_

_"I do, but I can skip a day. What do you need?"_

_"Can you take Walker out for the day and show her the city?"_

_"And Izzy?"_

_"Well, yeah, I think this first time that I see B, it should just be her and me."_

_"Promise me that if you feel any darkness or temptation that you will call."_

_"I promise."_

_"Okay. When do you want to head to the theater?"_

_"Now. I'm going to grab breakfast at the cart, you can drive us over...or walk me, but I'd like to be there when she wakes up."_

_"Then you should call Ari. She has the keys. I'm pretty sure that Britt's been living there."_

_"Is that allowed?"_

_"Not that I know of."_

_"Okay, I'm gonna get dressed. Can you message Ari for me?"_

_"Sure."_

_"You're the best."_

_"San?"_

_"Hmm?"_ I said as I slipped from the bed.

_"Should I worry?"_

_"About me, no. I plan to go straight to a meeting tonight before facing the family."_

_"Will you bring B back here?"_

_"No, at least, not while my family is here. They will pr-probably make shit worse."_

* * *

When we got down to the living room, Walker was sitting on the couch with the phone to her ear and typing away on her laptop.

 _"Morning."_ I said, and she smiled at me before putting the phone to her chest.

_"Thought I'd get some payroll done. Are we leaving?"_

_"Actually, Walker, I am going to take you and Izzy around the city today, after you are finished working."_

_"Oh. Where will you be, Santana?"_ Her tone was almost accusatory, but that might be because of the last week.

_"With B. I think it just needs to be me today. You and Q can pick me up tonight, and we can go to a m-meeting, then have dinner here with my family."_

_"What day are we meeting with Dr. Clover?"_

_"Tomorrow."_

_"Okay, just take it easy today. You haven't been in the best mental state after Sofia."_ She raised an eyebrow, and I could feel the clicking of a puzzle piece for Q.

Great.

I should have known that combining my worlds was going to open me up for criticism.

Oh well.

There are worse things, I suppose.

 _"I'm going to head to the theater now. Do you want to come for the walk?"_ I asked her, and she put her stuff to the side, mumbled something into her phone, and ended the call.

_"Yup. I want to see your life here, so I can help you when you need it."_

_"Okay, let's go."_

* * *

Walker was full of questions about my life as we walked the few blocks to the warehouse district.

I'd made it a point to stop and grab breakfast sandwiches for me and B. Both Q and Walker were happy about that. It was like having two prison guards at my sides, and perversely, I think I liked the security of it.

Quinn pushed Isaac in his little stroller and sang the Elmo song obnoxiously loud for him.

 _"Q, it's 6am."_ I grumbled.

_"So what? He needs to get used to the noise of the city again."_

As we neared the building, there stood a familiar face. Ari was grinning at me, and then she crouched down in front of the stroller.

_"Hey, buddy!"_

_"Tee!_ " He screeched, and she reached for her face, then he slobbered all over her. When she pulled away, he looked so proud of himself. _"Up?"_ He held his arms up for her, but then she looked at me.

_"He's staying with Q today. Maybe tomorrow."_

_"Sorry, buddy, Mami says no."_

Isaac glared at me. _"Bad Mami!"_

I leaned down and kissed his face a hundred times. _"Be good for Dama and Wawa, okay?"_

He leaned out of the stroller enough to see Walker and then smiled at her.

She winked at him, and he burst into giggles.

_"Take him now, Q...while he's happy."_

_"You'll call, promise?"_

_"I promise, now go."_ I kissed her cheek and then waited there with Ari while they headed off towards home.

* * *

When they were out of sight, Ari leaned in and kissed my cheek.

_"I'm sorry in advance for not telling you just how bad she's gotten...She is taking Grady leaving really hard. I've been trying to have her back, but he was a dick, and she's better off without him."_

_"So you don't know?"_

_"Know what?"_

I turned around and took the hands of my oldest, most pious friend.

_"She had an abortion."_

Ari's face went pale as she shook her head in disbelief.

_"I didn't know...no one knew. If I had known...God bless her. I would have treated this differently. I just thought she was like this over him leaving her so that he could go to the service."_

_"The service?"_

_"He went home with Dionne for a weekend, and the next thing you know...he drops out of the show, and he skips town. I got a text from him a few days ago about needing to start being a man and how sorry he was about leaving me hanging. I still don't get why Dionne left the show, though."_

_"Wow."_

_"Enough about that...I will be back as soon as I'm done with my run. She barely has the strength to dance. That's why I feel confident about leaving you with her. She's too broken to get to that angry place. I can tell the bosses are at their wit's end, and Frankie isn't here to save her. So please, go get your girl back before she loses her job along with everything else."_

_"Okay. Thanks so much for this."_

_"I should be back in about 45 minutes. Our practice is an hour and a half, she_ _usually stumbles into practice a half-hour late, so if you can get her there on time, that would be awesome."_

_"I'll do my best."_

_"Lock this door behind me, bums wander. Text me if anything."_ She left me just inside the door with a kiss to my cheek and a wink.

* * *

My heart was racing as I stood inside the dark theater. I locked the door and then took a moment to connect with God.

With my wife somewhere in the building, I felt so much anxiety for what I was about to walk into, calmed only by the fact that Ari promised to check in as soon as she was finished her run.

_"Father God, please be with me this week. Help me to help her. Court, if you can hear me, have my back. We need to help our girl. Please, God, let her not be beyond my help. Guide me through this. Amen."_

I crossed myself and then made my way to the back hallway.

There were about a million doors, each one with a name taped on the glass. I walked down to the very end, to the one that just said 'B-Lo', and I smiled to myself. She'd been so happy to use that as her dance name, and to see it, with her full name in print just below, Brittany S. Lopez...it gave me hope.

Light illuminated the hallway just outside the door, and I could hear the dull hum of a tv.

I had to strip away any blame or guilt. This had to be 100% about her.

The meeting tonight, the family dinner, and Walker being here was about me...but this time, right now, was about Brittany and how I could drag her out of this rut.

Feeling like I just wanted to run away, I bit the fucking bullet, and I knocked.

 _"Hold on!"_ I heard Britt grumble.

She sounded like she was either sleeping or really annoyed. I waited for about sixty seconds, and when she didn't come to the door, I knocked again, much harder than the first time.

This time I heard the sound of the sofa bed creaking and then footsteps.

_"Damnit."_

She whipped the door open, looking and smelling like hell.

 _"Hey,"_ I said, and it took her a beat, but her fury soon turned to a small smile before she threw herself at me and wrapped me in a hug.

 _"Thank you."_ She whimpered as she held me.

Her body smelled unwashed and metallic, but I didn't let her go.

She was weeping against my neck, and I just stood there, rubbing her back and rocking her.

It had been the right move to come alone. No one should see her like this...so broken.

God, please, please let me be able to help her.

* * *

Britt looked embarrassed as I walked further into her office.

Usually, I was the messy one, but that had evidently changed as I walked through piles of dirty clothes and take-out containers just to get to her desk. I put down the bag of food and then turned to look at her.

She was in oversized clothes that had to be Grady's and was standing there in her bare feet looking paler than I had ever seen her.

_"I g-got us breakfast from the cart. I need you to eat while I clean up."_

_"I was gonna do it."_ She mumbled, looking like a child.

_"Sit down and eat. Let me take care of you."_

_"Okay."_ She said, shuffling to the couch. I handed her the bag and then turned to survey the room.

 _"Eat that. I'll be right back. Leave this door open."_ I said, glancing at her once more before leaving her office.

She had nodded and kept eating, which was a relief if I ever saw one.

If Susan and Rob could see her now, they'd both probably cry.

Shit, I wanted to cry, but there was no time for that.

I found a trash can on wheels and cleaning supplies in an alcove and dragged them back to her office.

She'd finished eating and was just sitting there, staring into nothingness.

_"B?"_

Nothing.

I left the trash can and went closer to her, snapping my fingers in front of her face. After a moment, she looked at me with tears in her eyes.

 _"I...messed up."_ She said, sounding haunted.

_"We all mess up. Right now, we are going to just work on things moment by moment. Can you do that?"_

She nodded. _"Um...yeah."_

_"Good, so I need you to pick up all of your clothes and put them in a pile on the end of the couch. I will take them home and wash them...okay?"_

_"Home?"_ She looked at me with hope in her eyes...knowing that me being home meant she could possibly go back too. Sadly, I needed to end that line of thinking right away.

_"I'm just here until Friday."_

_"What day is it?"_ She said, looking confused.

_"Monday."_

_"Oh, okay. I have practice today."_

_"You do. So get your clothes together, please?"_

She was on her feet, picking up clothes without complaint, and it made me feel better than I could have imagined.

That's how low she was that picking up clothes off the floor was a feat.

* * *

It took me opening up the windows and clearing out all of the trash for the office to get back to being sanitary, at least.

All the while, Britt sat there and stared at her laptop screen. I just wanted to forget all of this and take her home, keeping her in my sight forever. This was not my Britt Britt, who was made of cotton candy and rainbows...she was long dead.

This was a shadow person who was tugging at my heartstrings just by existing. After I was done cleaning up and the sofa bed was put away, I sat there and ate my food, leaving her to continue whatever she was doing.

My stomach growled, and my head was aching a bit, but I could manage.

While I ate, I just observed Britt as she stared at that screen with tears in her eyes.

She'd click around and then go right back to staring.

Once I was finished, I tossed the trash in the rolling can and walked the stuff back to the alcove where I found them.

When I got back to the office, she had twice the amount of tears as she sat in her immaculate office that smelled a million times better than before.

I walked closer, and that's when I got a glimpse of her screen.

The sonogram picture took up have the screen, and her email took up the other half.

She'd been staring at this the whole time, and I was doing my best to be patient, but I couldn't let her torture herself, so I reached across her and closed the computer screen.

My heart nearly broke in two when she looked up at me as if I had killed the baby myself.

_"B...sweetheart...you can't keep doing this. The baby is gone, but you're here...you have to stop torturing yourself."_

_"I wish I wasn't here."_ She mumbled. Her eyes stared vacantly into mine as she cried. _"I can't get up the nerve to kill myself. Not after Marco and Ian, I couldn't do that to you."_

_"Thanks, you know I'd start to think my pussy was cursed if you did that."_

And finally, she let out a chuckle.

Good.

"I stink." She said when I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the seat.

_"Then you should shower. I found some okay smelling clothes in that pile you m-made me."_

_"Okay, I can do that."_

_"Do you want me to go with you?"_

She looked terrified of that option.

 _"No. I um...I'll just be super fast. I don't have much time before people get here anyway."_ She said, and I just nodded.

I grabbed some clothes and handed them to her.

_"Go shower. I'm going to check on the kids."_

Her eyes lit up at the thought of them. Hope springs eternal.

* * *

By the time that Ari came back, Britt was showered and showing me a dance routine on the stage.

Ari came to stand next to me and watched as Britt moved like silk.

She still had it.

_"I don't know the last time I've seen her dance."_

_"Me either."_

_"How is she?"_

_"Broken. When is your break?"_

_"At noon."_

_"Okay, I'm going to take her clothes to the house and w-wash them, and I'll be back for lunch. Do you want me to bring you anything?"_

_"I don't know, are you cooking?"_

_"I can."_

_"Then whatever you make is fine with me."_

_"You got it...just look out for her while I'm gone. P-Promise me."_

_"I promise."_

* * *

_**Wyd?-San** _

_**Studying, W is working, we were gonna head out at lunch time-Q** _

_**Okay, I'm coming home.-San** _

_**Everything okay? Need me to come to you?-Q** _

_**Nope, all good. See you soon-San** _

I lugged two full duffel bags back to the house with a singular focus to get back in four hours.

Despite me telling her I was fine, Q was waiting for me on the steps like I was a child.

 _"Make yourself useful."_ I grunted, and she grabbed a bag from me.

_"What is all this?"_

_"Britt's laundry. I want to wash it while she rehearses. I'm trying to get it done by lunchtime. I'm also gonna cook. Mind going to the Bodega real quick?"_

_"Okay, sure...does this mean she's okay?"_

I didn't say anything as I followed Q into the house.

Walker was right back on the couch, typing away on her laptop.

Quinn took the other bag from me while I rushed through the kitchen and into the laundry room.

There were two sets of footsteps behind me as I poured detergent into the machine.

I'd already separated the clothes by color back at the theater, so I really just needed to throw things in.

_"San?"_

_"Hmm?"_ I said as I shook out her pants and shirts before shoving them into the washer. Her panties were all stained with old blood, and it made my stomach clench.

Was this from after?

 _"Santana, stop."_ Walker said, and I froze, dropping the rest of the light stuff into the machine before looking at the two concerned faces.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Talk to us."_

_"Can I just...let me get this started, then you can b-badger me."_

_"Fine."_ Q said.

I got the machine started, and then I walked into the kitchen. They followed me, and both sat down, but I didn't bother. I didn't have time for that.

 _"She's worse than I thought. I think she's been thinking about d-death a lot. She says she is sticking around for m-me."_ I wiped at my face and could see the concern on both of them, but neither moved to hug me, thank God.

 _"How did you leave her?"_ Q asked.

_"Showered, dressed, she ate, and I cleaned her office. She had clothes everywhere. I am going to m-make sure her clothes are clean. You're both looking at me like I'm f-fragile and m-maybe I am but not as much as her."_

_"What time is the meeting?"_ Walker asked.

_"Six. I'll be at the theater. Come get me, okay?"_

_"We will."_ Q said.

_"Okay."_

* * *

It took me twenty extra minutes to convince Walker and Quinn to let me leave once the food and clothes were finished.

Which made me late.

I strolled back into the theater at 12:30 and found Britt back at her desk, in tears as she looked at the screen.

 _"Hey."_ I said, not bothering to knock.

_"Hi."_

_"How was practice?"_ I asked as I put her duffel bags down next to the couch. She shrugged and went back to staring at the screen. _"Can you put a show on or something?"_

She looked sad but nodded, _"Okay."_

I walked back into the hall in search of Ari. I found her sprawled out on her couch with ice on her knees.

 _"Food?"_ I said to her, and she grinned.

_"Yes, please!"_

I left her food on the coffee table and then headed back to B, and thankfully, she had listened.

She'd pulled the coffee table back to the front of the couch and was putting the food on it. She'd turned her laptop around to face the couch, and the theme song of Sweet Valley High was playing.

 _"Nice."_ I said, and she smiled at me.

It was a welcome sight.

We ate in silence as we watched our former favorite show, but it wasn't comfortable, not like it used to be.

There was so much unspoken shit between us.

And we both knew it.

* * *

There was a ding noise halfway through the episode, and Britt groaned.

_"I gotta go back to rehearsal. We are done early today, like two more hours...will you stay?"_

_"Sure, B."_

_"Thank you, I really needed this."_ She said as she stood, stretching before leaning over and kissing me.

I couldn't help but kiss her back, but then I softly pushed at her.

 _"Take it slow, B. Please?"_ I asked, and she nodded.

 _"Of course, sorry. I just wanted to thank you."_ She said, and then she shoved her feet into her beat up sneakers before disappearing out the door.

I sat there for a long time, just taking it all in before my bladder forced me off the couch.

The music was blaring throughout the theater as I pushed the bathroom door open.

I nearly threw up at the sight of blood everywhere...the floor, the shower, the toilet.

This was why she didn't want me in there.

My bladder was forgotten. I went back to the hall and got the mop and cleaning supplies.

It took me nearly two hours to clean up everything, and the tears just poured out of me.

That's how Britt found me, bent over the toilet, scrubbing it and sobbing.

Her cool hands rubbed my back, and honestly, it felt good that she was touching me again.

I flushed and moved over to the sink to wash my hands.

Britt was hovering, and then our eyes met in the mirror.

_"You saw...I'm sorry."_

_"I should have c-come even when you told me not to."_

_"You had to take care of business. I'm so, so proud of you."_ She said and kissed my shoulder. _"I don't deserve you, and I know it. Thank you for being here...I didn't realize how bad I needed you."_ Her arms were around my waist now, and she just held me against her too skinny body.

I looked down at her our linked hands and saw the matching tattoos.

Here I was being held by my wife, and it felt better than any touch that I had in months.

* * *

I could see the exhaustion all over her face and pulled her back to the office.

With her help, I opened the sofa bed and then pulled sheets from one of the bags.

She helped me make the bed, and then I handed her fresh clothes.

_"Go shower again, then I'm going to lay here with you for a bit."_

_"I wish I could go with you."_ She admitted, and I felt anxious about it.

She was NOT ready to deal with my family.

_"Maybe tomorrow...the family is coming over tonight."_

_"Oh...yeah, never mind."_ She said with a smirk. _"Don't sign me up for that."_

_"I figured."_

Once the bed was made, we put on a show, and then we laid together.

The sun was still out, but she looked like she could sleep for a whole lifetime.

 _"I missed you."_ She said as we lay facing each other.

_"I missed you too, B."_

_"And the kids...I'm missing so much."_

_"Isaac is at the house with Walker and Quinn. I'll make sure to bring him when you're feeling better."_

_"Thank you...who's_ _Walker?"_

_"She's my sober buddy."_

_"The old lady?"_

I slapped her arm lightly.

_"She's not that old, but yes...she's been holding me together...well not like THAT...just as friends."_

_"Good, I'm glad you have a friend."_

_"Me too."_

* * *

We fell into silence, and then the tears came. I placed a hand on her stomach and began to pray.

 _"Father, please heal her. Forgive her, hold her close."_ I whispered.

 _"Thank you."_ She choked out and then winced when I began to rub at what felt like swelling. It had been nearly a month. There's no way she should still be feeling the effects.

 _"Did you take the medicine that they gave you, Britt Britt?"_ I whispered.

_"No. I didn't deserve them."_

_"Honey...you have to take them for the pain to stop."_

_"I can't...I never filled the prescription. I w-wanted to feel everything."_

_"I'll do that today and bring them back in the morning, okay?"_

_"You're coming back?"_

_"Of course, baby."_ I said and then pulled her closer. She cried softly now, pressed securely against me. _"Rest for now, okay?"_

She nodded against me and then curled in tighter, holding onto me for dear life.

_"Thank you."_

_"Always and only you, B. I'm going to stay until you fall asleep, and then I'll be back in the m-morning. Okay? Just rest."_

_"Okay."_

She cried herself to sleep in my arms and I held her until I knew she'd be out for a while.

It was nearing six by the time I left. I kissed her face and left her with two pain pills from Ari, with a cold glass of water.

Ari promised to stay at the theater tonight to keep watch over her.

It was the only thing that could get me out the door because I was terrified that she would leave in the night.

She was in such a delicate state, and I felt nothing but sadness that she had been pushed to this point.

I would have helped her.

Even to my own detriment, and maybe that is why she didn't call.

Because even in her own pain, she was still protecting me.

I should have helped her.


	10. Dreaming My Dreams With You (Cowboy Junkies)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Booyah, an hour to spare. :P

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**MONDAY**

* * *

I have always been able to convince Santana that I'm sleeping when I'm not, and even now, in my darkest of darks, I manage to get out a genuine snore.

And even though it's super hard to keep still as her damp face kisses mine, I do it because this is what's best for her recovery.

There's no way that I can allow Grady to bring us BOTH down...the kids need one of us to be sane at all times, and right now, even though she's still working on being sober, it HAS to be her, and she knows it.

When the door closes, I hear her murmurs as she talks to Ari in the hallway.

I can't hear what they're saying, but I can pretty much guess tonight won't be a night of crying as loud and long as I want because I'll have a shadow. Ari's not so bad as far as shadows go though, I know that if I were to ask her to let me cry, she would.

After giving her my bone marrow, I could pretty much ask her for anything, and she'd do it.

My body aches terribly, and even though I had endured my first shower in over a week just to make my wife smile, I still feel so dirty.

And I don't think that feeling is going away any time soon.

I lay there staring at the ceiling with my fingers running over my still swollen tummy that burns when I touch it, and I wondered if I would get over this someday.

Would the ache of this hurt less?

And if it did, would I suddenly think of it and start spiraling all over again?

Did Grady permanently cement himself into my soul?

Would I ever deserve her again...my sweet, troubled Ana who, at the end of the day, just wanted to be loved.

I should have said no to her and stuck with it when she told me to explore. If I had, we would be together right in that moment without the heaviness of this loss hanging over us.

And while this is a loss that belongs only to me, I can see that she's carrying it too.

Did she love this piece of me as much as I love the two pieces of her?

If that's the case, then I'll make sure to hug her extra-long. My loss was her loss.

She whispered something sweet against my face when she thought I was sleeping, and it's the only thing that is keeping me from wailing.

_"Court is with your little one. All is not lost."_

How could she know that?

Did that baby even have a soul?

It was all so confusing.

And respect for people who could do this and keep moving...I hadn't wanted this, but Grady made me feel like it was the only way.

That I'd have no choice and I just...I gave in.

I caved, and when I tried to stop it, it was already too late.

And the thoughts of the sonogram and the smell of lemon cleanser are what make the sobs come.

Alone or not, I am crying and thrashing on the sofa bed once the sun goes down, and just like Santana had planned for, Ari is in bed with me, holding me and crying with me.

And it's just what I needed.

My wife has always just known...even when I haven't, that's what makes her the true genius.

* * *

**TUESDAY**

* * *

When I wake up on Tuesday morning, expecting Ari to be curled around me, I'm shocked to see Ana sitting next to me with her glasses on with a book in her hands.

I laid there for a bit and just stared at her perfection. Even after everything that she had done to her body, she looked perfect.

 _"You're pretty."_ I say finally, and she just smirks.

_"So are you, especially when you sleep."_

_"Am I uglier when I'm awake?"_

_"N-No...that's not what I meant."_ She looks embarrassed and then rolls her eyes.

_”I know.”_

_"I made you breakfast and brought your medicine."_ There was more to her expression, and I knew that I'd get it out of her with time but just having her here with me, even if it was just for a few days, was more than I had dared to ask for when I had told her about what I'd done.

_"Thank you."_

_"I also talked to Frankie...who talked to your bosses, and they agreed that you need some time off."_

_"Ana, I can't afford to take off. I don't work. I don't get paid."_

She shrugged.

_"Then I'll pay you for your time."_

_"No."_

_"Look, you need to get out of this f-fucking place, and as your wife, I am putting my f-foot down. So eat your breakfast, and then you are coming back to the house with your son and me."_

_"Sandra kicked me out."_

_"It's not her fucking house."_ She snapped, but I knew that it wasn't at me. Whatever happened at dinner had set her on edge.

_"Please don't fight with your sisters over me."_

_"I'll do what I want. You barely took time after you were shot and then when I gave birth, then with C-Court. So now, when you have an actual medical issue, I had her stress to them that if you collapsed on the stage that I was going to sue everyone."_

_"I'm already getting sued."_

_"I took care of that."_ She said, and then she got up before I could ask her how. I could see the guilt on her face.

 _"Santana!"_ I snapped at her, and she froze. _"Please, for the love of God, tell me that you didn't trade sex or drugs to throw out my lawsuit?!"_

In the past, that sentence would have had her on the defense or angry, but she just deflated.

_"No. I thought about it...I was planning on it last night, after dinner went badly, but instead, I called in a favor."_

_"What did it cost you?"_

_"Just fl-floor seats to a Knicks game and Field seats to the Yankees. It wasn't cheap, but it wasn't sex or drugs."_

_"True."_

_"I'm a work in progress, okay. Bartering is what got me through my life here and with M-Marco...and you...and even Ian. It's how I survive, quid pro quo."_

_"Okay...well, thanks, I guess."_

* * *

**WEDNESDAY**

* * *

I don't know how I talked her into staying at the theater all day and overnight, but she did with only one compromise, that first thing Wednesday morning, we go back to the house.

So here we were, just after sunrise, walking hand in hand back towards the house.

It was the first time that I had been out of the theater in days, and the light hurt my eyes, but I refused to complain.

 _"Are you hungry?"_ She asked as we got to the cart, and even though I haven't been hungry any of the days that she had fed me, I still nodded my head because I knew she'd been still having food issues, and if I ate, she'd eat. So even with no appetite, I'd been eating for her.

_"Yes."_

_"What do you want?"_

_"You."_ I teased, and she rolled her eyes.

_"As in food."_

_"The usual."_ I muttered, and then I wrapped my arms around her and walked with her up to the window and didn't let her go.

It felt good to hold her in the same way that Grady was always holding me...I had convinced myself that I liked being the little spoon, but in truth, I liked being the big one, protecting her...she was the air that I breathed.

And if I couldn't have my baby...or my sanity, at least I could have her.

She seemed so happy as we continued towards the house with our hands intertwined, but something changed as we got inside, and it hurt more than I would ever admit to her when she dropped my hand like she was embarrassed by me.

But then I saw why she had done it...there in the living room with this Walker woman sat Sandra and Mari.

And when their eyes fell on me, I wanted to turn around and run.

Sandra seemed annoyed but not Mari. She looked me over and then stood up.

 _"Can I check your vitals?"_ She asked, and I felt cornered.

_"Um...I guess."_

_"You just don't look well, and I want to make sure that you're okay. I'm genuinely concerned, family drama aside."_ Mari said, and I believed her.

_"Okay."_

_"Let her see Isaac first, Mari, please,"_ Ana said, and her sister backed off. _"Where is he?"_

 _"I'll get him."_ Sandra said, and then she left us there in the living room.

Ana looked at me and then gestured to Walker.

 _"Britt, this is Walker...she's been keeping me together."_ My wife chuckled nervously, not in a flirty way but the _'please like my friend'_ way.

So, even though I didn't feel like it, I turned on my best version of myself for this woman who seemed to love my wife in a way healthier way than most of her friends.

When she hugged me, it was with feeling, like she truly was happy to meet me, and it immediately set me at ease.

There was nothing to worry about.

* * *

Having Izzy back in my arms hugging me so tight was the best thing in the world after everything.

I still had babies who loved me and called me Mama. His beautiful eyes sparkled when he saw me, and I wanted to cry so hard, but I had to be happy for him.

And so while I couldn't dream dreams with my baby anymore...I knew I could still dream with Izzy and Dani...and with Ana.

Being here gave me the hope that I couldn't seem to find on my own.

That's why I sat through the exam that Mari gave me, and when she said that she was giving me antibiotics to fight off any infections, I happily thanked her.

Ana seemed in her element, cooking for me, and making sure I got my medicine.

Then, she put me in some kind of herbal bath that Gladys had shown her when she was healing.

I sat there, feeling like I was in a tub of menthol, and didn't complain because my wife was right there...making living easier.

 _"Let me be your reason."_ She said while she sat on the other side of the tub, her fingers still wrapped up in mine.

_"Reason?"_

_"Yeah, Q always called the kids my reasons to keep fighting. Let me be yours...please?"_

And I finally let the tears come.

_"Oh, Ana, you already are."_

* * *

**SANTANA'S POV**

* * *

**STILL WEDNESDAY**

* * *

_"Oh, Ana, you already are."_ She says to me with all the love in the world contained in those beautiful blues.

I swooned, and then I leaned in and kissed her.

It was the first time that I initiated anything romantic between us, and at that moment, it felt right.

The kisses were sweet and just ours. I'd missed moments like this, and I could tell by her little whimpers that she had too.

A knock broke our moment at the room door, and I knew it must be time.

 _"Your meeting?"_ Britt asked as I pulled away.

_"Probably. I'll help you out of here f-first, and then I'll go."_

_"Thanks."_

Her stomach and hips were lined with small cuts that looked older than this week, but I could tell from the purpling of her skin that something was wrong. I'd have to talk to Mari about it since I was leaving in a little over a day, and she'd still be here to look after Britt.

It had been hell talking to Sandra about letting Britt come home but getting Mari to understand that Britt was sick helped her back me up.

That's why they wanted to be here to see that she wasn't playing me.

And Mari saw it, the deep purple circles under her eyes and the nearly translucent look of her skin.

It was like she was dying, and only I had been able to see it.

We were losing her, and I was the only one who was willing to stop that from happening...but now Ari was in the know, and so was Mari.

Hopefully, that would be enough.

* * *

The meeting helped me center and then mass with Walker, which helped me regain some strength.

 _"How are you?"_ She asked.

_"A mess but in the best ways. I feel like a wife and not like a babysitter. She knows that I'm here for her, and she knows that I have to go. More than anything, she knows that even after everything, that I still love her and that no matter what, I always will."_

_"Any temptation."_

_"Nope...that lunch with you and CiCi yesterday helped. I wish Doc could've been there, but babies come when they come...I guess."_

_"It's a happy occasion, but I was really looking forward to meeting her."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"So, your sister told me that Brittany's birthday is next week. Have you thought about staying?"_

_"I have, and I think it would be good if she came home with us."_

_"Are you ready for that?"_

_"Well, yeah, if she stays with her parents. I can stay in the apartment and work on things...like her health and her r-relationship with the kids. She's missing so much."_

_"That sounds like a plan. You could do a party at your place."_

_"The Rage Cage?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"That would be cool. I need to talk to Z and her parents. Maybe it would lift her spirits."_

_"She needs that. I can see it now, the connection that you two have. It's beautiful."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I hope you two pull through this rut. Those kids need you both."_

_"Yeah, I know."_

* * *

**THURSDAY**

* * *

Waking up in Britt's arms, with her whimpers but not cries like Ari had described, felt like a step up, and I just knew that I couldn't leave her in New York, she'd slid back, and I couldn't let that happen.

 _"You're thinking really loud."_ She mumbled _._

_"I know."_

_"What is it? Do you want me to leave?"_

_"No...I want...more."_

_"More?"_

_"Of this...come home with me, B."_

_"I told you I have to work."_

I shifted in her arms until we were face to face, eye to eye _. "Let me level with you, B. They wanted you gone, or they were gonna fire you. You're on sick leave, and I think you should come home, at least until the end of the month...celebrate your birthday with the family at home."_

_"I avoided my mom when she was here. She probably doesn't want to see me."_

_"Opposite, that's all she talks about. She lost Court only ten months ago. She needs you."_

_"Okay."_

_"Yeah?"_ I traced my fingers over her face and enjoyed being here, with her like in high school when our sleepovers were all we had _. "Are you sure?"_

_"Not really, but right now, I trust you way more than I trust myself."_

_"Trust?"_ I asked, feeling shocked that she, of all people, trusted me.

_"Yes. I understand everything that you've done. I believe that you love me more than anyone else on this Earth other than the kids. You've shown me that this week and so if you think me going back home will help me get through this, then I trust you."_

_"Thanks, B."_

_"No, thank you, baby. I needed you, and you came. I don't think I can ever show you enough just how grateful I feel right now. I think you saved my life."_

I pulled her in and held her, this time through my own tears.

A life without Brittany was no life at all.

* * *

Our bliss lasted about an hour before August was calling Brittany and asking her to come in to finalize some dance moves and grab her things from her office until she was ready to come back.

 _"Will you meet me when work is over?"_ She asked me as she finished getting dressed in clothes from the closet that looked way too big on her too-small body.

_"Yes, I'm gonna go to an early meeting and come straight to you with Isaac. Ari begged to see him before we leave tomorrow morning."_

_"Okay, good. So six?"_ She asked, looking sheepish since that was my normal meeting time.

_"That's perfect, B. I'll get your ticket finalized and close up around here while you're gone."_

_"Okay."_

_"Hey?"_ I said as she looked hesitant to leave.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Tomorrow, I'll take you to get ice cream at my new spot. We have b-bubblegum."_

_"Really?!"_ She was a kid all over again.

_"Yup."_

_"Okay. I'll see you tonight...can I kiss you?"_

_"Please?"_ I said and puckered my lips.

The kiss was quick and sweet, just perfect.

* * *

I don't know what my son was on, but I swear that he was making the walk to the theater a living hell for me. For some insane reason, I thought I could carry him the whole way to the theater since it was just a few blocks, but he would not stop squirming.

I was singing the alphabet with him as he cheered along and shouted the letters that he knew.

_"Santana?"_

I froze and turned around towards the voice.

_"Tucker?"_

I couldn't believe my eyes.

_"I thought that was you!"_

I shifted Isaac to my hip and then walked towards my old friend.

 _"How are you?"_ I said as I let him hug me. The last time I had seen him was after Marco whooped his ass so bad that he popped a blood vessel in his eye, so it was good to see him looking just as normal and put together as ever.

 _"I'm good...great! Is this your son?"_ he said in shock.

 _"Yes, this is my son Isaac. Say hi, Papa."_ I said to him.

He flashed his little front teeth and then waved. _"Hi."_ he said happily.

_"He is so handsome...look at those eyes!"_

_"Those are all his father...obviously."_

_"So are you married, now?"_

_"Where were you headed?"_ I interrupted as I shifted Isaac again.

_"Oh...I was just out for a stroll. I don't live far from here. Am I stopping you from getting somewhere?"_

_"Actually...I have been out of town...and I was on my way to visit Brittany...she's working down at one of those warehouses by the Hudson. If you weren't doing anything but strolling...you can walk with me and catch up?"_

_"I'd love to...I have been dying to meet her!"_

_"Well...today may not be good since she's super busy, but...we can set something up?"_

_"Okay...do you want me to carry him?"_

I looked at Isaac, and he was just smiling a big smile. It may seem weird since I used to escort Tucker, but I trusted him, so I didn't bother to worry that anything would happen.

My trust radar was one of the few things that I could still rely on.

Isaac went willingly with Tucker, and then we began our walk.

I felt relieved just to be able to walk.

Suddenly I was happy that I didn't have to do it alone.

* * *

_"So...did you marry Brittany?"_

_"Yes...we are in limbo right now because_ _I just got out of rehab a few m-months ago, so it's a w-work in progress."_

_"So you're clean, finally?"_

_"Yes...seven months sober."_ I said happily.

_"That's amazing! Congratulations. Stay strong okay?"_

_"Thanks...I'm trying...my kids are my inspiration."_

_"Kids? Plural?"_

I looked over at him and then dug out my phone and pulled up the lock screen.

_"That's my baby girl, Daniela. She was ten months a few days ago."_

_"You make some gorgeous kids, Santana!"_

_"Thanks. I thank God for them every day."_

_"As you should...so their father...it's not..."_ He trailed off, and I saw a bit of terror flash across his face.

 _"Marco's dead, he's my d-daughter's father, but Isaac's father was a guy from back home...he died too...both suicides."_ I sighed as I shoved my phone in my pocket.

_"Harsh."_

_"Yea, but I bet you're relieved."_

_"Maybe a little...so_ _what's Brittany doing down here?"_ He asked as we came to a stop outside the warehouse. He handed Isaac back to me and shoved his hand in his pockets, looking nervous in our surroundings.

_"She's choreographing a Broadway show."_

_"No way!"_

_"Yea...you wouldn't happen to be a dancer too, would you?"_

_"I can dance...maybe not star-caliber, but I have won drag shows because of it."_

_"And I know that you can sing...maybe I can talk her into letting you audition...they just lost their male lead."_

_"Seriously?"_

_"You helped save my life, Tucker...I owe you one. Here, give me your number, and I will have her call you."_ He excitedly put his number in my phone before handing it back.

Suddenly he seemed more than comfortable where we were standing.

_"I hope to hear from you soon...about hanging out?"_

_"Absolutely!"_

I hoisted Isaac onto my hip and made my way inside once Tucker had walked on. Isaac was much calmer, thank goodness, as we went in search of his Mama.

When I stepped into the back corridor, I could feel the vibration under my feet, so I headed down the stairs with Isaac in tow.

I was able to watch from the hall as Britt moved in front of a group of dancers, her eyes bright and her movements razor sharp.

She was on her game, and it was obvious from the few stumbles that the dancers were not prepared for her to be this on her game.

This was what I had come here and stopped my life for.

All week long, my boobs and my heart missed Daniela, but I knew that if she were old enough, she'd understand why I needed to leave her.

My heart felt full as I stood there, smiling at my wife.

When she glanced up, her smile was so genuine, and then she winked at me.

Fuck, I was swooning over the place.

* * *

I sat on the backbench, watching a newly rejuvenated Brittany prance around the now empty downstairs studio with Isaac in her arms.

Isaac was squealing with joy as his Mama danced with him.

Tony and Ari came in, looking astonished, then they plopped down on either side of me.

 _"Whatever you did, I bow to you. I haven't seen her like this...in a month."_ Tony said.

 _"Does she know that you're leaving?"_ Ari asked.

_"Yes. I'm taking her with me, in fact."_

_"So you sweep into town, take my partner in crime and leave us hanging...word?"_ Tony said, returning to his normal annoyed tone.

_"No, I came to uplift her, and now I'm taking her to fix what's been broken so you can still have her around."_

_"Yeah, Tony, go easy on Santana...neither one of us could have gotten Brittany back to this state."_

_"Fine...since you're a problem solver, y_ _ou wouldn't happen to know any male dancers, would you? That are, maybe...gay?"_ He said as she chuckled to himself...he didn't want to tempt Britt.

 _"Actually."_ I showed him Tucker's picture and then gave him his number. _"This is Tucker, he's an amazing singer, model and he has won dancing competitions...all amateur...give him a call...tell him that you talked to me. Okay?"_

_"You're kidding me? Ari...is she full of answers like this all the time?"_

_"Pretty much...she's a pain in the ass...isn't she?"_

_"Totally."_ he said as he punched in Tucker's phone number and walked away.

I smirked as I threw my arm casually around Ari's shoulder and kissed her forehead before pulling away again.

No need to make Britt jealous in such a good moment.

_"That should get Tony to be nicer to me and be more supportive of Britt, don't you think?"_

_"Let's hope...he doesn't care for you much."_

_"I noticed."_

_"About Britt...I'll help wherever I can...and I won't tell her what you requested it."_

_"Thank you!"_

* * *

**FRIDAY**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt sleepily walked with me to the plane, completely content that Walker was holding her son.

They seemed to have this silent bond that I had no idea about.

Frankly, I was just happy that they liked each other. Them getting along was incredibly important to me.

 _"Thanks for giving up your seat for her."_ I said to Walker as we waited to board.

_"You know, lesser people would be feeling some type of way that you haven't really spoken to them all week, but I think I'd be the same way if you went with me to see Heather. I'm glad that I could, in some way, help you two bridge this gap."_

_"You're the best."_

_"Thanks."_

_"How can I repay you for being on standby all week?"_

_"Give in to my son and give him that gaming tournament, or at least free ice cream."_

_"Done and done."_ I said, and she grinned.

_"That will be more than enough then, kid."_

Walker settled in the row across from us and handed Isaac over to Britt.

She spent most of the hour-long flight with her nose buried in his hair.

It was a welcome sight. I think I had this irrational fear that in losing her baby, she'd pull away from Isaac and Daniela, but the opposite seemed to be true, and I was endlessly grateful for that.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

When I held my daughter for the first time in months and called me Mama, I cried into her hair.

And when my mom looked at me with love and not concern, I cried again.

My wife had been right. Coming home had been the right move.

Pulling away from everyone was killing each and every part of me, and that's not what I needed.

What I needed was love.

And to start moving on with those dreams that I shared with Grady and the baby...and our future.

It had been a warped dream.

All along, I had this family and the love that I had fantasized about.

I knew then that I was totally out of my mind without being level.

Being back on meds and having the love and support of my family brought me back from the darkness.

And I never wanted to go back.

How do you say goodbye to the darkest year of your life?

How do you let go of people that you thought you'd have forever?

No one knows. That's the trick of it. There's no letting go or saying goodbye...there's just remembering and learning.

Forever you might miss those parts of yourself, but as time goes, it hurts less.

You remember the pain, but you aren't drowned by it.

That's the lesson.

And I hope to God, to never forget it.


	11. Good Days (SZA)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Walker waited until we were walking from baggage claim to pull me to the side, her whole face looking stoic.

 _"What's wrong?"_ I asked.

_"Santana, I think it would be best if I gave you two some space while she's here. I don't want to impede your progress. I am going to do the rounds on my business. I'll spend a few days in each place. In fact, I'm going to head to Sidney from here."_

_"Oh."_

_"I'll be around still, don't think I'm ditching you."_

_"I don't. I get it. It's just that I'm not used to people knowing when to take a step back when it c-comes to Britt and me."_

_"Well, you and I are different. I'm married too, remember, and I know that a married couple needs time alone. Sex may not be on the table, but that doesn't mean that you don't need family time."_

_"You'll come for her birthday, though, right? It's Halloween."_

_"Charlie wouldn't let me miss that day, he's almost too old for trick or treating, so I'll be here."_

_"Good. I'll see you, I guess."_

_"Make sure you are still hitting up meetings and using healthy methods to deal with stress. Leave Sofia alone and remember that I'm just a call away, okay?"_

_"Hug?"_ I asked, feeling overcome with emotions.

 _"Sure, but be quick about it."_ I hugged Walker tight, and she gave me a good squeeze before taking a step back. She waved to B and then headed towards the rental desk.

* * *

I hadn't told Susan that Britt was coming back with me, so when I walked out of the airport with Britt next to me, her casual lean against the car turned into her jumping in place with tears in her eyes.

 _"Told ya."_ I said to B, and she turned pink as we got closer to her mom.

 _"I don't deserve her love."_ She said.

_"Bullshit."_

_"Shit!"_ Isaac said, and I groaned.

 _"Just ignore him, and he'll stop. If he thinks it bothers you, he'll keep doing it."_ B said as she shifted him to her hip. _"Hey buddy, do you see who that is?"_

Isaac looked at Susan and waved wildly.

 _"Hi, Gama, Hi!"_ His expletive was forgotten, and this is why I need Britt around.

She just gets Isaac in a whole other way.

 _"Hi, Mom."_ She said, _"Sorry about avoiding you...I just...I was ashamed."_

 _"Come here! Don't you ever think that you can't come to me, do you understand. I might get mad, but I will NEVER stop loving you, Brittany. NEVER. You're my life."_ Susan was crying as she pulled Brittany into a tight hug. Isaac rested his head against Britt's and rubbed Susan.

I snapped a quick pic and then moved towards the trunk to put the bags in, hoping to give them a moment, but I forgot who I was married to.

 _"Hey, let me get those!"_ Britt let go of her mom and shoved Isaac in her arms before grabbing the bags.

_"Oh...you should be taking it e-easy, B."_

_"I'm fine."_ She was doing her best to stress her wellness to me, but her face said otherwise. She cringed when she lifted things that were any heavier than Isaac. I noticed, and I would be forcing her to see doctors about it while she was here, including a trip to Dr. Ramirez.

My first instinct was to disagree with her, but instead, I rested my hand on her lower back as she lifted, which she seemed to appreciate.

_"Sit up front with your mom and talk."_

She nodded but insisted on holding the back door open for me before she got up front with Susan, she was extra chivalrous, and I wasn't going to argue with her. This was Brittany trying to mend what was broken, and as long as I was trying, I wouldn't make it any harder.

* * *

As we exited the highway, I leaned between the front seats and reminded Susan. _"I'm going to pack up tonight and leave in the morning if that's okay."_

She got pink, embarrassingly so.

Did she think I'd forget her attitude before I left?

Or that she practically kicked me out of the house that I had fucking bought out of foreclosure and given back to her?

I tried to smile, though, because a fight between her wife and mother was not what she needed.

_"You can stay longer if you need to, Santana...things are different now."_

_"How so?"_ I was annoyed, and it was my fault for bringing it up but fuck it. _"You asked if m-my apartment was done and then basically told me to leave."_

 _"What's wrong with your apartment? Wait...mom, you kicked out my wife and kids?"_ Britt cut in, and I could hear the strain.

I'd overstepped, and I could see the beginning of tears from Susan.

_"You want to call me out, Santana? Is that why you brought Brittany back to rub it in my face that I couldn't find her for seven days and you could? Hmm?"_

_"What? No. She is here because she should heal here."_

_"Did you also tell her that you've been screwing everything that moves?"_ Susan said, and I swear my heart was in my throat.

_"Two people. I have hooked up with two people, and the last was a mistake."_

_"How do you mistakenly hook up with a person?"_

_"Please stop,"_ Britt whispered, but I was the only one who heard her.

Susan, though, was on a roll. _"You know what, no, you should go home tonight."_

_"Fine. I'll go tonight."_

* * *

When we got to Susan's house, Rob had Daniela on his lap and helping her strum his guitar. She looked super into it. I had never seen her so focused on something.

 _"Hey, dad."_ Britt said, and he looked up. His jaw fell open, then he kissed the top of the baby's head. I could see him needing to hold his daughter, so I scooped up my baby girl while Rob rushed to wrap Britt in his arms.

It was a beautiful sight to see.

 _"Mami, up!"_ Isaac yelled at me.

 _"Go ask Gama."_ I said to him, and he pouted at me. He'd need to suck it up though, he got me all week long, all to himself, and his sister needed some love.

Susan was able to move past our disagreement in the car. She stepped in and picked up Isaac.

I tried to keep from losing my shit when she kept saying little things to my son, shit that Rob and Britt were too distracted to hear, but I wasn't.

About ten minutes in that house, and I was ready to go.

Daniela gripped my boob, and I knew that I would have to feed her if I planned to get out of this house without a tantrum.

Instead of lingering in the living room, I headed up to Britt's room with Daniela. I'd let her deal with her parents and Isaac. I needed a fucking moment.

My suitcases sat on the window seat, and they looked full.

Susan had been busy, but I wouldn't stress. I had a whole damn apartment building at my disposal, which was great because it was apparent that I had overstayed my welcome.

But like Mami always said, fish and bodies stink after three days. I had stayed for nearly a month. It was long overdue for us to reach a point where we could no longer stand to be around each other for very long.

I gave Daniela my boob and then carried her around the room, picking up things that Susan had missed.

When the door opened, I expected criticism for the way I held the baby but was only met with arms wrapping around my waist and a kiss on the shoulder.

_"What was your plan?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Where you expecting to go back to the apartment and leave me here to deal with my dad's crying fits and my mother's questions?"_

I tried to turn in her arms, but she held me tighter, she wanted the truth without having to deal with any lies, and no one could read me better than she could.

_"Yes, I wasn't sure if you'd want to come with us. We are still in a weird place."_

_"I didn't come here for them."_

_"They love you, Britt Britt."_

Daniela had one hand gripping the side of my boob and the other reaching down to touch mine and Britt's.

Her moms.

_"I love them, but you are my family. Doesn't the Bible have this whole thing about leaving your parents and sticking to your wife?"_

_"Yeah...it does."_

_"I came here for you, and I want to be with you. Remember when you said that to me...how you wanted to BE with me. Is that still true?"_

_"Always."_

_"Then let's get your stuff together and go home."_

_"Is your mom going to be okay?"_

_"I talked to her. She understands."_

_"Okay."_

Only she didn't understand. While Britt was getting the kids in the car, I was coming down the stairs with the diaper bag when Susan cornered me at the bottom of the stairs.

_"One of my biggest regrets was letting Brittany move in with you when you were both still in high school. Now that she's home, I want you to be aware of the fact that I will NOT let you drag her further down. Do you understand?"_

_"Susan, back off."_ Rob said, and I just stood there letting Susan dress me down.

_"No, I need to be perfectly clear with her, Rob...she's clearly the reason that Brittany fell off the wagon in the first place, my love. I need to be sure that Brittany did not come back here to slide down further into a pit of despair."_

_"Mom, that's enough! She is my WIFE, and yes, I fucked up, but Santana is the woman that stopped me from killing myself. Not you, not dad, or anyone else but Santana! You will respect her, or you will lose the only child that you have left."_ Britt stood at the door, veins bulging and eyes wide. Then she looked past her mother to me and gave a small smile. _"Are you ready, baby?"_

* * *

The whole ride back to the apartment, I kept staring at Britt every chance that I got, but she was leaned in the backseat, talking to Isaac and Daniela. For the first time in an eternity, it felt like the four of us were a family, and I don't think I've ever been happier.

With Britt keeping watch in the car, I ran into the stop-n-shop to grab some groceries. When I got back, she was in the backseat, wedged between the two of them singing Elmo.

And when we got to the apartment, she helped me bring the kids upstairs and then insisted that I let her get the groceries.

I was filled with so much warmth and peace as I cooked an early dinner.

My phone rang as Britt gave the kids a bath, and I was excited to see Mami's picture pop up.

_"Hi, Mami."_

_"Nanita, are you home?"_

_"Yes, Bendicion."_

_"Dios te Bendiga, listen, we need to have a talk. The heart attack put some things into perspective for me, and I'd like to talk it over with the most important person in my life."_

_"Who?"_

_"You, silly girl. When do you have time?"_

_"Tonight. I'm making pollo guisado since it's so chilly out. Britt's here, so it would be good to have a family dinner. B-Bring Pa with you."_

_"Are you sure?"  
_

_"Positive and B is healing from...you know...can you bring the salve?"_

_"Did you get the stuff from the Bronx while you were in the city?"_

_"Yes, but it's nothing like yours."_

_"Bueno, I'll come and bring dessert and the salve."_

_"Gracias, Mami."_

_"I love you, Nanita."_

_"I love you too."_

* * *

Isaac came running into the kitchen, naked, and hugged my leg as I stirred the rice.

 _"Where is he?"_ Britt said as she came into the kitchen. _"Izzy, buddy, where are you?"_

Isaac giggled as he continued to hide in plain sight.

_"I don't know, B, maybe check the other room."_

More giggles.

 _"He's around here somewhere. Are you hiding him?"_ She came over and looked at the stove, then opened and closed cabinets.

_"Nope. Haven't seen him."_

More giggles.

Just as he let go of me, Britt suddenly saw him.

 _"Aha! Mami made you see through. I can see you now!"_ She picked him up, and he squealed.

 _"Mami is on her way for dinner."_ I said, and Britt's face got serious.

_"Should I go?"_

_"No. She's br-bringing you the salve for your healing. It's all good."_

_"You sure?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I trust you."_

_"Where's baby girl?"_

_"In the swing chewing on a teether. Is she still breastfeeding, or should I make her a bottle?"_

_"In between. I can feed her today, though...I haven't pumped, and I l-left what I had at your mom's."_

_"Okay, I'll bring her to you, and then I'll get him dressed."_

_"Thanks, B."_

_She kissed my forehead and then left the room with a giggling Isaac._

_This was all that I ever wanted._

_Just us, existing happily._

* * *

I had just finished feeding Daniela when Mami showed up, looking tan and happy. Pa came in with bags and a huge grin.

 _"Bendicion."_ I kissed both their cheeks as I held the baby on my hip, and Pa pointed at the window.

_"Can you see the field from here?"_

_"Yup."_

_"That's awesome. Mind if I watch while you ladies talk and get dinner served?"_

_"Hector, you know how that sounds?"_ Mami scolded.

_"What? You said Santana was cooking, and I know you hadn't seen her since before she left. Are you not going to talk and serve dinner?"_

_"He has a point, Mami. Let him watch."_

_"Fine."_ she took the baby from me and handed her to him. _"But you don't get out of family time. Entertain her while we talk."_

He held my daughter like holding babies was his day job. In about 15 seconds, he had her cradled and happily babbling to him. I watched as he took her to the front window, and he pointed at the field, explaining football to her. He had her rapt attention, which was fine with me.

 _"Has he always been good with babies?"_ Britt asked as she brought a giggling Isaac into the room, clutching his Elmo.

_"Oh yes, when your wife was a baby, she couldn't get enough of him carrying her around and talking to her like she was a big girl."_

Britt smiled and then leaned over and kissed Mami's cheek.

 _"Bendicion, Ma. It's good to see you."_ Britt said.

Mami reached up and cupped Britt's cheeks, they shared a moment, and then Mami wrapped her arms around Britt tightly. _"Don't you ever think you can't come to Santana or me. We are family, and we fight sometimes, but you are my daughter too. Entiendes?"_

Britt rubbed her back and nodded. _"Yeah, I...I...don't know what to say, thanks, Ma."_

And just like that, the heaviness that existed between them faded.

_"I brought you a soak that should help with pain and healing. Santana knows what to do. Okay?"_

_"Thank you."_

_"Of course, you're welcome. Now, I'm going to help her finish dinner. Why don't you take Isaac out to the living room and keep Hector company."_

_"Okie dokie."_

* * *

_"Want to give me a preview of what you wanted to talk about?"_ I asked her as I made my rice mountain while she tried to covertly add seasoning to my guisado, which was fine. I always liked hers better anyway.

_"When Aden died, the house was left to me, but it will always be your childhood home."_

_"I know."_

_"Hector and I are getting married. It seems disrespectful to your father's memory to move him into that house. So I was thinking of selling it but since your an agent...I wanted to ask your op-opinion."_

_"Really?"_ I was floored. Usually, Mami just directed everyone around, asserting her will but asking for help or advice. That wasn't something that she did.

_"Yes. If you want to keep it as a rental property or just to have for when you need to get away, I am perfectly fine signing the deed over. I just need a fresh start."_

_"Where will you go?"_

_"Well...I was thinking about New York. His son is right in Connecticut."_

_"He hasn't spoken to Sammy in like ten years, though."_

Mami's voice dropped.

_"And I'm going to fix that. Sammy only has his dad, and for Hector to not talk to his son because he married an Asian woman...well, that's unacceptable. If we are closer, maybe that can change things."_

_"What I don't get is that he accepts Brittany. She's white and a woman."_

_"That's because you aren't his child. It's different when it's your own."_

_"I guess so."_

Mami helped me set the table and set up the high chairs for the kids, then she insisted on making coffee while I served the plates.

We worked together like a well-oiled machine.

It was nice.

 _"You know, Mami,"_ I said before we called Britt and Pa into the kitchen, _"I've been thinking about getting a new place in the city. Something out of Sandra's control, so that if anything were to h-happen, Britt could never be kicked out again. That house has too many heavy memories. If you want to move there, make it your home...I'd be okay with that."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes, I bought it as an investment, and once Isaac is of age, I'll sign it to him completely. What do you think?"_

_"I think you should talk to your wife, and I'll talk to Hector."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**_Friday, October 25th, 2013_ **

**_Hi Henry,_ **

**_Right now, Britt is cleaning up the kitchen with Hector while Mami puts the kids to sleep. She's in much better spirits now compared to when I left Lima a week ago. It's almost like she didn't even have a heart attack._ **

**_But I know how to look at her and see that it aged her a little. It reminded her that she's 47 and she's getting older. Mari drilled me on how Mami was doing after her heart attack but I wasn't really able to give her a full update. I know that she will be relieved when she finds out that Mami will be much closer and she can bug her, herself._ **

**_Mami and Pa agreed to watch the kids while I go to a meeting and take Britt to get ice cream._ **

**_I think it's because Pa wants to finish watching the school football game for free, but Mami insists that it would be good for the two of us to go have a little fun._ **

**_And I will not argue with that logic._ **

**_So off I go, to hopefully get a little closer to my wife and a little more level with my sobriety._ **

**_Things are starting to look up, and of course, that has me nervous, but I can't dwell on what could happen. I am doing my very best to live in the present moment...since that is all I have._ **

**_I love me...and I need to remember that as much as possible._ **

**_xo_ ** **_-Santana_ **

* * *

Things were in full swing at the Rage Cage when we got there after my meeting. Britt wouldn't let go of my hand after I got up on that stage and told my story. She smiled when I smiled and teared up when I did. Seeing me be vulnerable is always good for her. It reminds her that I'm not superhuman or perfect.

She knows I'm not perfect, but I think when she looks at me, and I appear to be put together, that she forgets.

And I need her to NEVER forget who I am at a base level.

When we got to the counter, it was to a new girl I hadn't met yet.

_"Welcome to the Rage Cage. I'm Vicki. Is this your first time?"_

_"Hi Vicki, I'm Santana, and this is Brittany. We want the Max Rage package."_

_"Okay, can I see some id, please?"_

Britt, in full Britt mode, hesitated. _"I didn't bring mine."_

 _"Oh well, you have to verify that you're 18 for that package. No one under 18 can throw an ax without parental permission."_ Her face had that fake ass look to it, and I was annoyed, but I maintained my cool as I handed her my license.

 _"Here, ya go."_ I said, and she had a full attitude as she looked it over, then handed it back.

_"You can go in, but she can't, not unless her mom is here, or you can just go for the basic package with is half the price."_

_"Where's your manager?"_ I asked her, and she had the fucking nerve to lie.

_"I am the manager."_

_"Really? What are you, 16?"_

_"18."_

_"Right, listen, you're new, so I'm going to clue you in. I am your manager's manager. Where is he?"_

_"Sure you are...look, I don't want to argue with you, just hold on a sec, damn."_ She left the counter, and I felt fully ready to throw an ax at this chick's face.

But then Z was coming up front with this girl behind him, looking smug.

 _"Hey! You're back!"_ Z gave me a bear hug and then pulled Britt into it. I looked past him and glared at the imbecile he'd hired.

 _"She needs to go, Z."_ I said.

And he let us go and turned to the girl.

_"Vicki, this is Santana, she signs your paychecks, and if she says you gotta go, well...you gotta go."_

_"Wait, what?! I was just following the rules!"_

_"She was, Z...I just think she needs more training before she is running the front on a Friday night."_

_"I'm sorry about that. I was taking people back. I'll make sure to put someone else on the desk. It's on me, Santana."_

He felt for this girl, and I didn't want to micromanage him.

_"Fine, she can stay, but she's on probation. I don't want her at this desk alone."_

_"Thanks, boss."_ He said. _"So the Max Rage package?"_

* * *

With bubblegum ice cream finished and a root beer at her side, Britt began hurling plates at a wall with glee.

_"Having fun, B?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Imagining Grady's face?"_ I asked, and she gave me a sly grin.

_"Maybe."_

_"I do that too."_ I said, and she grinned.

_"I bet you do."_

Sans the Vicki incident, we had a pretty good date night.

And I hated that it had to end.

_"Hey, B?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Want to have a get together here for your birthday? We can invite the glee clubbers and Cheerios that are still around...I can close the place down, and we can break shit all night long. What do you think?"_

_"I don't think I've celebrated my last two birthdays, with your dad dying and last year with me hurting you...it's been a crappy day."_

_"Well, let's change that. I've always avoided Halloween, you know that, but we can't live in the past."_

_"Okay."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I have one request."_ She said, and I already knew what she wanted.

_"You want me to make up with Susan?"_

_"Please?"_

_"Okay, I can do that."_

_"Promise?"_

_"I promise."_

* * *

Early Saturday morning, I left Britt with the kids and headed over to the track, with a million things on my mind.

Britt was still whimpering in her sleep, and while she'd seemed okay the night before, I could still see the pain etched on her face.

As I was running around past the entrance, I saw a familiar blonde running in place, until I was aimed to pass her and she fell in step with me.

_"You didn't tell me you were coming to town."_

_"I didn't tell you a lot."_

_"Are you going to tell me now?"_

_"I might, first, how are you today?"_

_"I'm alright. I had dinner with my mom and Hector. Fought with Susan. Took Britt to the Rage Cage."_

_"Oh, wow. You were busy."_

_"We were."_

_"How's B?"_

_"She's trying her best to put up a front but, I can see through it."_

_"You two are more alike than you seem. I forget that, sometimes."_

_"When did you get here?"_ I asked, still stuck because she was here and not at Columbia rubbing elbows with trust fund kids.

_"This morning, I got a rental car...I um was waiting for you."_

_"Why?"_

_"I need to take the semester off...I was wondering if I could get the keys back to the apartment."_

I stopped running, and she nearly stumbled when she stopped. When Q stepped in front of me, I could see tears in her eyes.

What did I miss?

_"Talk to me."_

_"Shelby is putting up a fight. She was fine leaving Beth with just Puck, but then when she found out that I wanted to step in, she reneged."_

_"No."_

_"I have been having a shitty time between that and the breakup with Celia...I'm incredibly close to dressing in all black and dying my hair pink...maybe smoking again."_

_"What would you do here?"_

_"Um...work, maybe?"_

_"What happens to my money?"_

_"What?"_

_"Your scholarship, it's been paid for this semester."_

_"Right, I can pay you back."_

_"No. You should find out if you do any of your classes virtually, Q. That way, you can be here and have me around to keep you sane. Don't stop school because it will be hard to go back. The courts won't side with you if Shelby can prove that you're nothing but a washed-up dropout."_

_"You're right."_

_"I know."_

_"Can I stay in the apartment?"_

_"No."_

_"But...why not?"_

_"It's under construction. You can stay with me until it's finished in a few weeks, or you could stay in New York at the house."_

_"Okay, your couch will be good enough. Thanks, San."_

_"Anytime, now, let's run, this is my only free time today...I'm not wasting it."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Everything hurt, it'd been almost a month, and I still felt so much pain.

I hadn't stopped bleeding since the procedure, and it was making me tired all the time, but for my wife, I put on a brave face. Seeing her killing it like a boss and a mom, well, that just made me super proud.

Unlike me, I knew she wouldn't sleep with anyone who worked for her.

Seeing her handle that girl and then talk to Z without making him feel like he was stupid for hiring that girl in the first place showed me that my wife is just as amazing as always.

I had been afraid that having me around would bring her down, but she still woke up early Saturday, kissed my face, and told me she was going to run and then pick up breakfast for us.

While she was gone and the kids were asleep, I sat on the toilet and just watched the water turn from pink to red. I thought about the baby and let myself feel everything that I just couldn't let myself feel when she was around.

I'd done this to myself, and I needed to deal with it by myself.

My sobs were loud and ugly. I had almost forgotten that there were two babies on the other side of the wall until I heard Izzy.

 _"MAMA MAMA MAMA!"_ He was screaming at me, and it zapped me back to the present.

The kids needed me.

I cleaned myself up, brushed my teeth, and then was the happiest person I could be as I got them up and dressed.

Dani was still trying to figure me out, staring at me for long moments and then looking away.

She was Ana to the max.

By the time my wife showed up with Quinn right behind her, I spooned baby food into Dani's mouth while Izzy chomped away on the waffle that I made him.

_"Hey, babe, guess who tried d-dropping out of school and showing up here?"_

_"Um...Quinn?"_

_"That's right, Q. Tell her what she's won!"_

_"I'm going to crash on the couch until my apartment is ready."_

_"Wrong, we've won a free babysitter!"_ Ana jumped up and down, clapping her hands. It was great to see her when she was fresh off a runner's high. She was always the most cheerful.

_"Right, I do want to spend some time with my godchildren, so if you two have someplace to be, go for it."_

_"We do. Actually, I made an appointment for B, and if we don't leave soon, we will be late. We'll be back for lunch...I'm gonna grab a quick shower, help her feed the kids. Okay?"_ Ana gave me and the kids drive-by kisses before disappearing into the bedroom.

* * *

 _"So why are you here, really?"_ I asked Q while she cleaned up Izzy.

_"She already told you."_

_"Yeah, but I want you to tell me."_

_"You don't want to know, B...seriously, it's okay."_

_"Tell me, did you get knocked up again?"_ I was kidding with her, but the way she went pale told me that I was totally right, and of course, she wouldn't want to tell me.

But I needed to focus on someone else's drama...just for a little while, and I was more than happy that it wasn't my wife's drama.

_"It was just a scare...with Noah."_

_"Eww again, seriously?"_

_"I know, I know, and now he's dating Rachel, it's a whole mess, honest to God."_

_"So you needed a reset?"_

_"Exactly. I've been kicking butt in my classes, but I'm distracted. I wanted to take time off, but San insists that it isn't a good idea to put off school because I have stuff going on."_

_"It's not. I kinda regret not going to Julliard. My life would be way more simple, just school and family stuff. I wouldn't have to worry about keeping my job, and I would never have met Grady."_

Quinn gripped my hand and then brought it to her lips, kissing it softly before getting all serious.

_"You did what I didn't have the balls to do. I love my daughter, and I'm glad that there is a chance for me to get her back, but you're not alone. I have totally gone there. What if I had gotten up the nerve and was able to just move on, but like you, I don't think I would have. You're tough, B."_

_"I don't want to be."_

_"Why do my babies look sad?"_ Ana said as she came into the kitchen in her towel. _"Are you two bumming them out?"_

I looked at the kids. Izzy was staring at the ceiling in a daze, and Dani was half asleep.

 _"Bored them is more like it."_ Quinn said, and I had to agree.

_"Whoops."_

_"Hey Q, seriously, do you mind watching them for like two hours? After this appointment, I need to go see Sal and run a few errands."_

_"Yup, take your time...I'm here all day."_

* * *

Ana was still that runner's high as she climbed into the driver seat. She looked at me with the biggest smile. _"You ready, Britt Britt?"_

God, I hate to her down.

 _"I can't go."_ I said to her, resting my hand on top of hers before she could move the shifter.

 _"Why not?"_ She sighed, her hand flexing.

_"Because I know it will be just a lot of talking down to me and stuff. I'm just starting to feel human. I'm not ready. Can we do something else?"_

_"What would you s-say to me if I had used that same logic and put off rehab?"_

_"I..."_ I looked away and dropped my hand onto my lap. _"Fine, but I don't want you in the room with me. You've done enough."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Please? If you are insisting that I go, at least let me have this to myself...please?"_

She sighed.

_"Fine."_

I could tell she was pissed, but instead of snapping like she would have in the past, she turned up the music and drove towards the hospital without another word to me. I sat back and closed my eyes and just enjoyed the sound of her voice as she sang along to the music.

The drive to the hospital is less than ten minutes, but I was being shaken awake what felt like seconds later.

 _"You okay?"_ She said, leaning over me with the passenger door open. Her lips hovered inches from my face as she waited for me to speak.

_"Just tired."_

_"Okay, well, when this appointment is over, I can take you home while I finish my errands."_

_"Mmm."_ I said, closing my eyes just for another few seconds.

 _"B...come on, please?"_ She whined, and I finally sat up, nearly bumping my face into hers.

_"I'm up."_

* * *

Everything that Dr. Ramirez did to me hurt.

And then she was talking about an infection and antibiotics.

Her face was serious, like right after finding out about Isaac's afterbirth withdrawal serious.

I just nodded and took the papers from her before walking out into the waiting room.

Ana was pacing, looking murderous, but she tried to smile when she saw me, but it was too late. I had seen her anger.

 _"Hey."_ I said.

_"Hi, everything okay?"_

_"I need to actually take my antibiotics. I'm sure you'll be on me to take them...which is fine. She explained that I was tired because my cells didn't have any backup to fight the infection."_

_"In-Infection?"_

_"Yeah. I'll be better in six days. Just in time for my birthday, can we go home now?"_

_"Sure, B."_

She took my hand, and even though her palm was sweaty, I didn't let go.

I should have let her in the room because I have no idea if anything I said was true because I hadn't been listening.

My brain wasn't with me anymore. All I wanted was to sleep forever.

I thought being here with her would change that, but it was like a four-day-old bandage, soggy and falling apart.

* * *

_Ana took us to the hospital pharmacy and filled my prescription, grabbed some water, and when we got back in the car, she handed me one of Isaac's cereal bars and insisted I eat and take the pill._

_I was really tired of feeling shitty, so I wouldn't fight her._

_She was trying really hard, and I wasn't going to get in the way of that._

_"Thanks, baby."_ I said to her and kissed her cheek before closing my eyes again.

She turned up the music and sang quietly.

There was sadness in her voice, even though she was singing a happy song, and it made me feel worse.

But I couldn't fake happiness or energy. I was just too tired.

When we got back to the apartment, the kids were napping, and Quinn was studying.

 _"Hungry?"_ I asked Ana, but she just clutched her keys and didn't leave the doorway.

 _"I will see you two later...I'm already late."_ She muttered and then kissed my cheek before turning and leaving.

Quinn looked me over, and her future doctor kicked in.

_"Do you need anything?"_

_"My mom."_

_"Okay, Go lay down. I'll call her."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"Sure thing, I'll make lunch. Just rest."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I left that apartment and went straight downstairs to Mr. Oliver's.

Sofia had texted me while I was in the waiting room because she left something in Mr. Oliver's place.

Paperwork for her job or something, so I told her I'd meet her there.

Britt had been too out of it to notice her standing by his door as we went upstairs, but our eyes had met as I helped my lethargic wife up the stairs.

I was so fed up.

On edge, and I didn't want to have to deal with the heavy shit, so when we were on the other side of that door, I pressed her back against it and kissed her hard.

_"Wasn't that your wife that you just helped up the stairs?"_

_"I know, I'm an asshole...just get me off...one for the road."_

_"You sure?"_

She went to the kitchen and washed her hands, then met me against the front door again.

I chuckled when she put the chain and deadbolt on the door before she shoved her hand under my skirt, tearing my panties as she shoved them to the side.

 _"Fuck."_ I groaned, my head falling against her shoulder as she worked me up.

_"It's so hot that we are doing this here...with people just upstairs."_

_"Shut up."_ I banged my head back against the door as I got closer. I gripped the doorknob with one hand and her shoulder with the other _. "God...yes."_ I groaned, and then I was biting my palm to keep from screaming as I came hard with thoughts of Brittany on my mind.

Britt sick and needing me.

Britt right upstairs.

Trusting me.

I was a supreme asshole.

 _"You good?"_ She asked as she steadied me. _"I really do need to find that paperwork, and I'm sure they can see your car in the lot."_

 _"Right."_ I had the nosiest person in the world right above my head. I needed to get myself together.

I fixed my hair in the reflection of the microwave and straightened out my clothes.

There was no going upstairs to change my damp panties, so I was just gonna have to deal.

 _"Who leaves first?"_ Sofia asked.

 _"We leave together. Anything else looks suspicious."_ She nodded as she shook her manila folder at me. _"Got the stuff...I mean...more stuff." She winked, and I blushed._

* * *

Timing.

As we stepped out of the apartment and I locked the door, I heard footsteps coming up the walk and just knew I'd been caught.

I pulled the key out and ran a hand through my hair.

Susan and Rob looked from Sofia to me.

 _"You got everything you n-need? The movers and cleaners will be here Monday, so if there was anything you left...now's your chance."_ I said to Sofia, and she just shook her head.

 _"Just this, thanks for letting me in. I can't transfer without this. Thanks again, Santana."_ She waved and then left me there with my in-laws.

 _"What happened to the Pierce bear hugs?"_ I asked Rob, and in the spirit of wanting me to fix shit with Susan, he swept me up in a hug and kissed the top of my head. When he let me go, Susan was already on her way up the stairs, not bothering to even try at being civil.

 _"I thought you were staying away from trouble."_ He said to me, and I nodded.

_"And I am. She called, and I was going be on my way out...so I let her in."_

_"If you say so."_

_"Rob, come on. Aside from this thing with Susan, I've been the best daughter-in-law...haven't I?"_

_"You have."_

_"Trust me...please?"_

_"I'm trying my best. Where are you headed?"_

_"To see Sal and to a meeting, I really need one today."_

_"How's Britt?"_

_"She's trying to be st-strong, but I can see through it. I gave her an antibiotic a half hour ago...hopefully new medicine will do the trick."_

_"Okay, well, you be safe and keep in touch...okay?"_

_"I will. Thanks Rob."_ I began to walk away, but then he called me.

_"Santana?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I love you."_ He said, a note of sadness in his eyes.

_"I love you too."_

* * *

I knew when I pulled out of the parking lot that I was looking to ruin everything.

And I also knew that I wouldn't do it.

There was just way too much to lose.

I got to the end of the block and then turned around.

My panties were sticking to me as I made my way up the apartment with tears in my eyes.

I wiped at them and then pushed the door open.

Rob and Quinn were sitting in the living room talking but stopped when they saw me.

 _"You're back."_ Rob said.

_"I could f-feel myself sl-slipping. Sal can wait...I needed to fix things here."_

I left the living room before they could say anything and went looking for Brittany and Susan.

The bedroom was empty. Instead, I found them in the bathroom...Britt with her head in the toilet and Susan holding her hair.

I wasn't going to be dumb and ask what happened. When Susan saw me, I just gave a small smile and filled up a paper cup with some water.

After Britt was sitting on the edge of the tub, I handed her water and watched as she drank it.

_"I sh-should have stayed here with you. I'm sorry."_

And like the Britt that I had always known, she saw past my shit and looked me right in the eyes.

_"You had to do what you had to do."_

_"B...I'm here now."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you want me to leave? You seem mad."_

_"Fuck, I'm just sick, Santana. If you feel guilty about hooking up with some chick downstairs, that's on you...I don't have the energy to give a shit. Right now, I just need rest. Don't be here out of pity...that's why I called my parents because it's them I need."_

* * *

I wasn't going to fight. Instead, I grabbed my keys and left for a second time.

Only this time, I had one destination.

I pulled up at the church ten minutes into a meeting and rushed inside before I could change my mind.

And even though she was supposed to be nearly an hour away in Sidney, there was Walker, up on the stage telling her story and collecting her 14-year chip and telling her story.

 _"I gave up alcohol when I was 21, but it wasn't until I was 22 years old that I gave it up for good. I started drinking at 13, sneaking bottles out of my father's study and drinking the remaining drinks after parties. By the time I was legally able to drink, I was buying out stores and getting trashed. I still managed to get married, but my wife put her foot down, her or the booze. I chose her,"_ Walker twirled the coin in her fingers and then looked back up and caught my eyes. _"There were a lot of days that I felt like I was pushed to the limit, and I'd slip. It took a whole year for me to get my shit together after nearly killing a kid on a bike. Today means a lot because I got served with divorce papers yesterday, my mind went straight to I got clean for her, and it still wasn't enough. Instead, I came home, hugged my son...played video games all night, took him to breakfast this morning, and showed up here for this."_

Everyone clapped as she left the stage, and when she sat down next to me, she put her arm around me. _"Glad to see you, kid."_

 _"Coffee?"_ I said to her as the meeting came to an end. _"It's been a crazy 24 hours."_

_"Let's get coffee then."_

**_Getting coffee with Walker, I'll be home after-Ana_ **

**_I might not be here when you get back-Britt_ **

**_Please, stay.-Ana_ **

**_You sure?-Britt_ **

**_Positive. I'll bring you hot chocolate back.-Ana_ **

**_And a cookie?-Britt_ **

**_Sure thing, babe.-Ana_ **

**_You're really with Walker, right?-Britt_ **

I snapped a picture of Walker ordering for us and sent it to B.

**_Really.-Ana_ **

**_Okay. Mom is waiting here for you. Bring her some hot chocolate too...okay?-Britt_ **

**_Sure thing.-Ana_ **

* * *

I updated Walker on everything that had happened since we parted ways at the airport. It wasn't until I told her about Sofia that she looked disappointed.

_"Reckless behavior, should I be concerned?"_

_"Probably, I am. I meant it when I said I was done with her. The opportunity presented itself, and I was feeling spiteful after B didn't let me into the room at her appointment. I just...I needed to feel something...sexy or needed."_

_"And how do you feel afterward?"_

_"Shitty."_

_"At least there's no confession, Brittany knows."_

_"I'm not quiet...no matter how much I like to pretend to be. She was right upstairs, so she heard me...no doubt."_

_"So instead of going to score, you showed up for yourself."_

_"I did."_

_"Good."_

_"Do you think that I'm addicted to being addicted to something?"_

Walker sipped her coffee and held up a finger. She went to the counter and said something to Dave. He took her cup back to the office and brought it back out to her. She grinned and slapped down money before coming back to the table.

 _"Yes."_ She said as she slid into the booth.

_"Yes?"_

_"Your question reminded me as I was drinking. So one of the ways that I got through being sober was this syrup that I got from one of my coffee suppliers. They taste like booze, but they are alcohol-free. On a hard day, I'll add to my coffee, but I keep it here because I don't want to use it as a crutch. It's a treat for me."_

_"I was wondering."_

_"Well, you have something like that too, that runner's high or shopping for you."_

_"I haven't shopped in forever. I used to all the time with Britt and Q."_

_"You just can't use them as a crutch. It has to be a treat. Today, whiskey flavored syrup in my coffee to celebrate giving up whiskey all those years ago."_

_"That's admirable, Walker."_

_"No, it's just a cheat code. What's yours, other than running?"_

_"I just stay busy. Britt being here shifted my schedule. I think I was mad at her for it. I moved a meeting with Sal that had to do with my businesses and my money. I moved it twice today, she doesn't know how big a deal it is for me to be off my schedule, but she doesn't know because I didn't tell her."_

_"Marriage is hard, Santana, and you two haven't really given yourselves a fighting shot. Quinn being there is not a good idea. She's your crutch. You have a whole building, put her somewhere else or send her packing to Sue...or to New York. If you and Brittany really want that married time, Quinn has to go."_

_"Really?"_

_"Who did you sleep with right before rehab back when you and Brittany were supposedly doing okay?"_

_"Quinn."_

_"I guarantee you that Brittany isn't over that, no matter what she says."_

I sat there stunned because I'd honestly forgotten that had happened this year because so much had happened.

_"I think you're right."_

_"That's why I pulled away. Even though I needed someone yesterday when I got those papers...I called my sponsor, then came home and spent time with the person that matters most."_

_"I need to do that."  
_

_"Great, I need to get home. Do you need anything else?"_

_"Yes, actually."_

* * *

I showed up at the apartments a little later, with a carafe of hot chocolate and a bag of goodies from Walker for the family.

The door to the apartment was open, and the baby gate was blocking the entryway.

I could hear laughter and conversations coming from inside.

And I heard Mami's voice.

I stepped over the gate and kicked off my shoes.

 _"Mami!"_ Isaac stumbled over to me and hugged my legs.

_"Hey, Papa."_

The noise got closer as I tried and failed to walk with my son attached to my legs.

Britt grinned when she saw him, and then her smile got softer as she looked at me.

_"Need help?"_

_"Please?"_

She leaned in and kissed my lips. I kissed her back and wished my hands were full because I wanted to bury my hands in her hair. She pulled back enough that she could still lean her forehead on mine while she talked low.

_"We'll talk about us, later when everyone leaves. For now, I need you to go in there and fix this shit with my mom. Like you told me, she just lost her kid, and you lost your sister and her kids. You've both lost something this year. We all have. None of us are better than the other. Please fix it."_

_"Okay, B."_

_"Good. I love you."_

_"I love you."_

_"Did Walker send extra stuff?"_

_"She did."_

_"I like her. She's a good egg."_ Britt said and grinned, _"Like Sheldon."_

_"Huh?"_

_"From Garfield and friends...duh."_

_"Right."_

Her complete mood change was enough to throw me off, and I think she counted on that.

She scooped up Isaac and took the carafe before walking towards my too-small kitchen...a room that was standing room only.

When I got the place, I thought two bedrooms and would be enough. Still, now that being here seemed semi-permanent, I thought that the three-bedroom across the hall that Quinn loved so much was about to become my new spot.

She could have this one, but I wouldn't tell her that. She should absolutely take her ass back to school, and I wouldn't be her crutch.

Celia needed to see her being independent and not so attached to me, or they would never work.

Surely, if Britt wasn't over it, my sister was definitely not over it, and Quinn following me around like a puppy, that wasn't helping her cause.

* * *

Talking things through with Susan was nothing like with my family, where they needed to process every word.

Instead, I poured her hot chocolate, topped it with whipped cream, and then handed it to her and apologized.

_"You were right. I'm sorry for being spiteful. I'm sorry for not being more sensitive, and I am sorry for calling you out on something that I shouldn't have been mad about. Please know that I won't ever disrespect you again. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."_

_"It's forgotten, you're my daughter too, and I forget that you're just 20, that Britt has hurt you more than anyone, and you have the right to cope with that however you see fit...provided it's not turning to drugs, of course. I love you, I love that no matter what goes on between you two, you NEVER keep those babies from me. I love that you love her, despite yourself sometimes. We both want her happy. I need to remember that."_

_"We both do."_

_"I love you, Santana."_

_"I love you, too, Ma."_ We hugged tight after that and went right back to our normal happy selves.

Everyone was just hanging out, making as much noise as they pleased, and it felt right.

Sure, it was packed, but everyone was here for B and her health.

It was good for her to see that she had a network too.

 _"How bad is the apartment across the hall?"_ Q asked Rob, and he looked at me and then shrugged.

_"We are just barely getting started, it's down to the studs in the living and dining room, but to sleep in, it should fine."_

_"Say less, San, B...I love you guys...I'm gonna go crash. Can I have the keys?"_ She held her hand out to me, and I dug the key out of my pocket, but I didn't let it go right away.

_"It's not permanent. The rent on that place is $2500 a month. Can you afford that?"_

_"What? San, it's not that deep."_

_"If you don't become some high-powered surgeon, Sue is going to hold me personally responsible if I gave you an out. So, know that if you decide to drop out, I'm charging you rent for the money I wasted until you come to your senses."_

Quinn's eyes went wide, and then she blushed. She leaned in closer to me and looked at me with that old Cheerio glare.

_"I just need a few days. I'll go back, I promise."_

_"Good."_ I let the keys go and then patted her cheek, to her annoyance, _"Sleep well."_

* * *

Late that night, as I curled up in bed with her spooning me, our babies in the next room dreaming sweetly, I realized that I finally felt like I was home again.

_"Ana?"_

_"Yea, B?"_

_"I'm glad that you went to a meeting today. You caught yourself slipping, and you did something about it."_

_"Me too...B."_

_"And I'm glad that we are working on being best friends again."_

_"Me too."_

_"What are you thinking, Ana?"_

_"About us, I felt the n-need to fuck someone today with you so close. It wasn't even that good."_

_"Sounded good."_

_"Well, she wasn't you...no one has ever...not like you."_

_"No one?"_ Britt seemed surprised.

_"You're it, B...as annoying as that can sometimes be, my body...my everything is yours."_

_"That's a lot of power...I'm not sure I can give you what you need right now. I think that's why I'm not upset about that girl. You have needs...you scratched an itch."_

_"Yeah, but she's a psycho. I shouldn't have crossed that line."_

_"Will you again, you think?"_

_"No. Definitely not."_

_"Ana, can you promise me that the next time I'm frustrating you, you think about things from my side."_

_"Yeah...I promise to try that, B."_

_"Good."_ She snuggled deeper against my neck and hugged me tighter.

Which gave me the nerve that I needed to say what had been hanging over me.

_"Can you promise me something, B?"_

_"Anything."_

_"Promise me that this time around, we take things slowly and as they come. That this time we are open and honest with each other at the beginning of an issue and promise me that above all else...no matter what happens between us, that we put the kids first."_

_"I promise. I will do more than promise...I will show you and continue to show you that I'm in this for good and that I'm ready for this love, this relationship, whatever it may be. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to be back in your lives for good."_

_"I love you, B."_

_"I love you, always."_

At that moment, as we lay there, I allowed my walls to crumble.

I allowed myself to feel everything that was between us, and it felt amazing.

Did I believe that we were good...like perfect?

Nah...but right then, I allowed myself to suspend belief and just be with her at that moment.

I needed to invest in there being more good days than bad.


	12. Somehow We Get There (Melissa Ferrick)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: A long chapter cut short because I couldn't go as dark as I needed to...not today. Take care of yourselves, my friends, love yourselves a little extra today. -NR

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**Tuesday, October 29th, 2013** _

_**Hi Henry,** _

_**I woke up this morning feeling hungover and hallowed out. It's a feeling that's become way too prevalent. It's just so fucking heavy. That's why I'm up before the sun, sitting here in the living room while my family sleeps.** _

_**What the hell was I thinking yesterday?** _

_**Even though Britt dismissed it as a slip-up, a start to a spiral that I was somehow able to catch, it still feels like I made this foolish move.** _

_**I need to run, and I need to sort out my priorities, manage my expectations.** _

_**I've been out of rehab for three months now, but it still feels like I'm just a few days out.** _

_**My head and my heartache so much. There's got to be a way to get it together. That looming heaviness still exists. I'm just waiting for the bottom to fall out.** _

_**I'm still slipping, Henry. Even if I could detour towards a meeting, I'm still slip-sliding down.** _

_**Right now, I just want to make it through the day—one moment at a time.** _

_**-S** _

* * *

I was at a point where I didn't trust my instincts, and I really wanted to, so instead, I decided to lean on Walker's advice. Instead of going across the hall to drag Quinn out of bed at this hour, I walked to the bedroom and crawled into the bed, snuggling close to B.

Tears came quietly as I watched her get the sleep that she sorely needed.

 _"You're not a quiet crier, did you know?"_ She asked without opening her eyes.

_"No. I'm sorry."_

_"It's fine. I've been half asleep since you left the bed. What do you need?"_

_"You...I just need you."_ I whispered and brushed my hand over her cheek, and then leaned in and kissed her nose, her chin, and then finally her lips. When I pulled away, those beautiful blues were looking at me.

_"What do you need?"_

_"I need to run, but I c-can't be alone right now, B."_

_"Want me to get up, and put the kids in the stroller?"_ She stretched and then winced, _"Fuck."_ She muttered.

_"No. You need to rest...I can wake Q."_

_"But you don't want to."_ She was looking at me...through me.

_"Nothing happened between us. I just...don't want her right now."_

_"Let's rest until the kids wake up, and then we can go to the track. Then we could go to a pumpkin patch."_ Even with the dark circles under her eyes, and the paleness of her skin, the excitable Britt was in there.

_"Sounds good, B."_

_"Great, turn around, and let me hold you."_

_"Okay."_ I could hear the whine in my voice, and I hated myself for it.

* * *

Britt's flipped pancakes while I made airplane noises for Daniela.

_"What's she trying today?"_

_"Bananas."_

_"Nanas!"_ Isaac yelled and then opened his mouth.

Britt chuckled, grabbing a banana to quickly cut up for our little dictator.

When he saw that he was getting whole pieces and Daniela was getting the baby food, he pouted.

 _"Stop it, eat your food."_ I said to him, giving him the eye, and his eyes got watery, but he ate his food without a single whimper.

I continued to feed the baby, making excited faces, and she clapped.

 _"Yay!"_ She screeched, and Britt jumped, looking over at us in shock.

 _"She gets that from you."_ I said to B, and she grinned.

_"Mama's girl."_

By the time we finished breakfast and cleaned up the kids, I was in a deeper funk.

 _"Forget the run."_ I muttered as I plopped down on the edge of the freshly made bed.

Britt crossed her arms over her chest, and Isaac followed suit.

Just like always.

_"No, I'm getting them in that jogging stroller, and you are going to run today. I don't care if it's ten laps or for two. You need this run."_

_"I don't."_

_"You do, and if I need to call Sue, I will."_

_"Please don't."_

_"Then get your shoes on."_

_"Fine."_ I whined, and she just ignored me.

* * *

Of course, Britt was right. I lapped her a few times while she walked slowly, pushing the kids in the stroller. Every time I passed by, they would all cheer for me, and the kids would clap.

I made it six laps before my high kicked in, and then I just kept going until I felt like I couldn't go another step.

By the time I stopped next to the stroller, I felt much better.

 _"I'm hungry again. How about you?"_ B asked as she led us towards the side exit.

_"I could eat."_

_"Do you think we should invite Walker and her son to the pumpkin patch?"_ She said, looking dazed.

_"If you want, B. It can just be the four of us, or we can have a posse. Up to you?"_

_"I think I need to be surrounded by people, just in case one of them runs off, or I get sick. The more, the better."_

_"So who do we need to call?"_

_"You call Walker. I'll invite my parents and your mom."_

_"What about Tor...you think I should invite her?"_

_"Sure, it will be good to see her."_

_"Wait, is this like a pregame for your birthday, B?"_

She grinned.

_"Maybe a little."_

_"Then you know we have to invite our stand-in babysitter."_

_"Oh right, yeah, Quinn HAS to come so I can sneak off and kiss you in the corn maze."_ She hesitated and leaned closer to me, _"That would be cool, right?"_

 _"Hells yes. I'm your wife, B. These lips are yours to kiss whenever you want, baby."_ I teased, and just as we finished crossing the street, she pressed her lips to mine.

_"Challenge accepted."_

* * *

Kissing in the maze was a definite but not just for Britt and me.

We'd been walking through the maze for about five minutes, Isaac and Daniela having been stolen by their grandparents for photo ops. Britt kept pulling me into the cornfield and kissing my lips like it was the first time every time.

About halfway through the maze, though, I stopped short... Charlie was being pressed against a hay bale by Tor.

 _"Should we say something?"_ I whispered to B.

_"Sue would want us to, but I don't think we should. Look how into it they both are."_

_"Yeah...I'm gonna have to break it up before a hickey develops. Sue will never let me have Tor again."_

But we didn't have to make a move because Walker handled that for us.

_"Excuse me, young man?! Is this how I fucking raised you?"_

Charlie went still and pushed Tor back a bit, wiping his mouth and standing like a soldier as Walker approached. Britt and I still hid in the cornstalks, trying not to make a sound.

 _"Hi, Mom."_ His voice cracked.

_"What did I say about kissing?"_

_"N-Not um...before a date and definitely not in a public place without permission from their parents."_

_"Did you ask her on a date?"_

_"No?"_ He looked at Tor, _"Are you even allowed to date?"_

 _"I don't know."_ She said.

 _"Would you want to?"_ He asked her, rubbing the back of his head as if Walker had already popped him one, something I had seen her do on countless occasions.

_"I might, yeah."_

He squared his shoulder and stepped closer to Walker.

 _"I like her, Mom. I've seen her around the school, and well...she seemed untouchable, but she's awesome! She likes video games, and she skateboards."_ He said, sounding excited.

 _"Does she actually skateboard?"_ Britt whispered to me.

_"Not that I know of, but I bet you she'll learn."_

We both chuckled.

Walker's eyes trailed towards the field, and she raised an eyebrow before throwing her arms over the kids' shoulders.

 _"Let's go pick a pumpkin and discuss how we are going to talk to Sue about this. Be careful about making out in public. You never know what perverts are watching._ _"_

I couldn't let that stand.

 _"Are you saying you want them to make out in private?"_ I called out, pulling Britt out of the cornfield with me.

Walker's eyes went wide, and she back peddled.

_"You know what, how about we stop making out without some ground rules."_

Tor was smirking through all of it. Sue had definitely had an impact on her confidence. Meanwhile, Charlie looked like he was waiting for a hole to open in the ground and swallow him.

* * *

_**Friday, November 1st, 2013** _

_**Good Morning Henry,** _

_**I don't even know where to begin. Britt's hot and cold act, where she made me feel secure after the pumpkin patch, and then I woke up to a cold bed and a note, just saying I NEED SPACE, has set me on edge.** _

_**But she still had a birthday dinner with her parents. Not only was I not invited, but neither were the kids, and she knows how much Isaac loves cake.** _

_**Did me letting her get close to me again make her skittish?** _

_**Either way, it's got me thinking that maybe I need some fucking space too.** _

_**All last night, I sat at the door, giving candy to trick-or-treaters with Isaac on my lap and Daniela a few feet away, watching Bubble guppies. Even Quinn had plans that she didn't tell me about.** _

_**I should not have gone to bed last night alone and in tears, but you know what? I have learned my fucking lesson.** _

_**Fuck Britt.** _

_**I AM DONE.** _

_**-S** _

* * *

_"What did that poor journal ever do to you?" Walker's voice entered my kitchen, full of warmth and laughter. She smirked at me and then thrust a cup of Lima Bean coffee towards me as she sat. "You haven't been to a meeting...in a few days."_

_"I know."_

_"What's going on?"_

I just slid the journal over to her and began to drink my coffee.

She looked at my words and then nodded in understanding.

_"How'd you get in?"_

_"Quinn, we ran into each other at the Bean. She told me that you were crying all night and that you didn't answer when she knocked."_

_"Because she has a key."_

_"Obviously. She unlocked the door for me and then went back to her apartment."_

_"Some best friend she is."_ I muttered.

_"Your best friend from what you've told me."_

_"When it suits her."_

_"I never wanted to be proved wrong more than this moment,"_ Walker said, then she closed Henry and pushed him back towards me. _"When you told me that you HAD to see her and make sure she was okay, I was justifiably concerned. Brittany is your biggest trigger, and you brought her back here."_

_"I know."_

_"And you've stopped progressing."_

_"I haven't."_

_"Come off it, Santana, you are completely off track right now."_

_"Maybe."_ She leveled a glare, and I sighed. _"Fine, yes...I'm all fucked up."_

_"Admitting it is the first step."_

_"What's next?"_

_"Boundaries, setting, and keeping them."_

_"MAMI!"_ Isaac called through the baby monitor. _"I WET!"_ He screamed, and then Daniela started crying.

_"Fuck."_

_"You are in no state to look after them, are you?"_

_"I don't have a choice. I'm a mom."_

I left Walker sitting there, feeling irritated as I walked into the nursery.

My son stood there, naked and wet.

 _"Where is your diaper?"_ I asked him, and he pointed to the floor. Sure enough, there it sat, swollen and foul smelling.

_"Sorry, Papa."_

_"Want Dama."_ He said, crossing his arms over his chest, obviously annoyed right back at me. Daniela kept crying, over and over.

 _"MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA."_ I don't know what came over me then. I left them there, and then their cries were even louder.

Walker looked at me and nodded. _"I'm on it."_

She left my apartment, and I could hear her knocking and talking to Quinn.

And when I saw my best friend, eyes bloodshot and red-rimmed, I know why she hadn't come in with Walker the first time.

But she was always the best Dama to the kids. She just breezed by me, still smelling like stale liquor, and went into the nursery. She came back a moment later with Daniela and shoved her in my arms.

 _"Feed her."_ Then she went back into the nursery and slammed the door closed.

I heard the crackle of the monitor and then nothing.

She'd turned it off.

 _"Well, then."_ Walker said, and I just glared at her before sitting at the table and pulling my shirt to the side for my daughter.

She gripped my boob, tears in her eyes, and began to drink from me like she hadn't eaten in an eternity.

 _"I need a meeting."_ I said to Walker, and she nodded.

_"Once the kids are settled, we will get you to one."_

_"She should have them."_ I said, and Walker just nodded, not saying another word on the subject.

The companionable silence was more than enough for me as I sat there, wiping away the tears on Daniela's face.

Something had to give.

* * *

With Daniela crawling around the living room with Walker in her little gated area and Isaac glaring at me from Quinn's lap, I sat waiting for the lecture that was coming from Q. She just had a look on her face after coming into the room with Isaac.

She was fuming as she fed him, and then she kept shooting glares at me until he was done.

 _"How long was he in that diaper, San?"_ Quinn finally asked.

_"Since last night."_

_"He's got blisters and a rash that looks painful. Have you seen it?"_

_"It was just a little red last night. I put the butt paste on him."_

_"Well, it's what, nearly noon, and this was his first change?"_

_"I lost track of time, I got up...showered, went for my run-"_ I began, and she let out a dry, humorless laugh.

_"Run?"_

_"The complex stairs with the monitor, they were fine."_

_"You didn't think to check on them?"_

_"Of course, I peeked in."_

_"You need a break, San. She's seven miles away, hanging out with her parents...she should have at least one of them."_

_"How do you know what she's doing?"_

_"Where did you think I was last night? There was a whole Halloween birthday bash, Mike came from Chicago and a few Cheerios too."_

_"So, fuck me, then?! Fuck the mother of her children. Fuck the woman she claims to love. Fuck me."_ I snapped.

 _"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!"_ Isaac said, and I groaned.

Quinn put her hands over his ears.

 _"Look, I went on your fucking behalf, and I stayed and kept her from killing herself. So, don't start getting self-deprecating."_ She dropped her hands from Isaac's head, and he grabbed her wrists to put her hands back. He was so silly sometimes. So she did. She kept covering and uncovering his ears to his utter delight.

_"She tried to do it?"_

_"She was drunk and wanted to drive here. She was in no state. So I babysat her all night, then I came home...to you...like this. You two have got to get your stuff together. Everyone around you is tired. In or out with her. Please, I am begging you, Santana."_

I rubbed my palms together and then tucked them under my armpits, but Quinn had already seen.

She just shook her head.

_"No."_

_"What?"_

_"You didn't."_

_"Didn't what?"_

_"Stop being weird."_

_"What did you do, San?"_

_"I don't know what you mean. Stop."_ I growled, and then Quinn was handing Isaac to Walker and yanking me from the couch. She gripped my arms, just tight enough to scare me but not hard enough to bruise. _"Q...stop. Please?"_ I was crying now.

 _"What did you use?"_ She said, her eyes searching mine.

_"Stop, it...please?"_

_"Did she leave something here?"_ Then she was marching to my bedroom. I didn't dare look back at Walker as I ran after Quinn. I threw my body in front of hers, blocking my door. _"Santana, you need to fucking move. NOW."_ She was doing everything that she could not scream at me.

 _"MAMA!"_ I heard Isaac scream excitedly.

Fuck Britt for her timing.

 _"What's going on?"_ Britt said, and then I heard Walker's voice...then footsteps...more than just Britt's.

FUCK.

* * *

I stared past Q and straight at B. She tilted her head and stared me down, she was reading me, and I opened myself to her.

Even when I was mad, I couldn't close myself down, no matter how bad I wanted to.

_"Quinnie, can you show my dad that leak in your apartment. Let me talk to my wife alone, please?"_

Q looked from me to Britt and threw up her hands.

_"Fine, I don't know why I thought coming home to be with my two best friends would be less stressful than being at Columbia. Damn."_

Britt waited for Quinn and Rob to walk away before she stepped into my personal space. I was still blocking the door as I looked up at her.

 _"Hey."_ She said.

_"Hi."_

_"You didn't get high. Why didn't you let her in?"_ I shook my head and looked away from her. Britt's fingers lifted my chin, and she stepped in closer. _"Let me in. Please?"_

 _"Why did you leave?"_ I asked, not wanting her to cross the threshold with me.

_"I'm falling for you again, and I'm so broken...I just...I felt myself sinking deeper into myself, so I went home...being with my parents helped."_

_"You could have told me."_

_"I did. I said that I needed space."_

_"Yes, but we have k-kids, B. Space doesn't exist. It can't. Not really."_

_"Quinn reminded me of that last night. She went on and on about how I could have at least taken Izzy off your hands."_

_"That would have been nice. Happy Birthday, by the way."_

_"Oh, right. Thanks."_

_"If I let you in...I need you to understand something."_

_"What?"_

_"I didn't do it."_

_"I know that."_

_"But I did something."_

_"Okay."_

I stepped away from the door, and she walked inside.

It was embarrassing, really, but if I could be open with B...she'd vouch for me.

* * *

Britt didn't say a word about the tornado of shit in the room.

Instead, she went to the kitchen, grabbed a trash bag, and began shoveling the empty bags of chips and food containers into it.

She kept glancing at me as I stood next to the doorway, not moving.

I was waiting, and then she opened the door to my nightstand and found the motherlode.

She pulled out about six empty wine bottles and left them on top of the nightstand.

 _"How long did it take you to drink those?"_ She asked me, and I shrugged.

_"A few months, usually just something to take the edge off at night."_

_"Aren't you supposed to be sober?"_

_"I am. I h-haven't touched drugs. It's just...Walker is an al-alcoholic...I can't just have that stuff hanging around."_ I whispered.

_"And how long have you been binge eating?"_

_"Uh...th-this week."_

_"But no coke or pills?"_ She was rereading my face.

_"I swear on everything, B. No drugs."_

_"I need you to not drink when you have the kids alone, baby. Anything could happen. I know you are stressed, but...hold on, you've only been back in this apartment for a week."_ She looked back at the wine bottles.

_"Some of them are d-dusty from before I went to your mom's. I've only had like two this week...maybe three."_

_"Is it because of me...all of this?"_

I shrugged.

She left the bag and came back over to me, her body pressed against mine as she brushed her thumbs over my collarbone.

It gave me chills and not in a good way, so I reached up and held onto her wrists.

 _"Right...sorry."_ She said, looking at me sadly.

_"I'm sorry too."_

* * *

You know those moments in movies where two almost lovers nearly kiss only for someone to interrupt them?

Well, that happened. I was seconds from kissing Britt when there was a knock on the doorframe.

 _"I'm gonna get going."_ Walker said, and I pulled away from B and tried to block the room entrance, but Walker was already looking past me. _"I need to go. I think that maybe you should call your sponsor, Santana."_

Walker didn't look sad or disappointed. Instead, she just looked concerned.

_"Wait, will I see you later?"_

_"Maybe, Heather is home for the next little while. I'm not sure what my schedule will look like, but if you need me, call or, you know, schedule time with my assistant."_ She glanced again, and then her eyes were burning into Britt's. _"If you love her, the way that you say you do, give her what she deserves, or leave her alone. This back and forth is going to kill her, literally. Quinn has the kids. See ya later."_

And then she was gone, and Britt was taking a step back.

_"She's right. While I was gone, I talked to August and Frank. Production is on hold. We are trying to get new financial backers. So I will be here for a while. We can go back to shared custody if you want?"_

_"Where will you stay?"_

_"Across the hall...Quinn is leaving on Sunday...that way I can be close by, but you can still live your life."_

_"Yeah, okay. We can do that."_

_"Good. Let me take you to a meeting."_

_"No, I can...go alone."_

_"But you don't have to. It's always good for me to remember what you are fighting for. Especially now when my world is so dark, maybe hearing other people talk will help me too."_

_"Okay, B."_

_"Can I trust that you will stop drinking and binging, or do you need professional help?_ " It was like sad, grieving Britt had taken a step back, and my wife was in the forefront, questioning me with conviction in her eyes. _"I won't be mad. Just be honest with me."_

_"I've t-told you over and over, all I really need is you."_

_"And you'll have me as a co-parent and your partner. Right now, that's all I can handle."_

_"I think the same goes for me."_ I admitted, and then I brushed her hair from her face, trying my best to smile at her. _"Will you tell me when you're ready to start working towards more?"_

_"Of course, I'm going to kiss you now because you look like you need it. Is that okay?"_

_"Hard, B...I need it hard."_ I said, feeling desperate for her.

 _"Wanky."_ She grinned, and then she was kissing me like our lives depended on it.

I moaned as she pressed me back against the wall.

This was all I wanted...just her.

* * *

_**Saturday, November 2, 2013** _

_**Hi,** _

_**So, that didn't last long. I held her all night long, and I woke up to an empty bed, again. Why do I keep doing this to myself, Henry? I checked on the kids, remembering how angry Quinn was with me, and the kids are gone too.** _

_**Maybe Britt thinks this is what I needed but fuck her for not thinking that I'd want a say in her taking them.** _

_**I need to manage my expectations, but it's almost impossible to do with Britt. I'm so fucking tired.** _

_**And you just know I've already had a drink. It's 7am, and I'm fucking drinking because of Brittany S. Pierce. God help me.** _

_**There comes a time when you have to save yourself. I know that now. I had planned a surprise for Britt tonight. All of our glee and Cheerio friends joined together at Mami's house.** _

_**An old school party is planned for tonight, and I don't want to go. I want no parts.** _

_**But for her, I will.** _

_**I won't do drugs.** _

_**I won't do drugs.** _

_**I won't do drugs.** _

_**That's all that's going through my mind, Henry.** _

_**Am I screwed?** _

_**I haven't wanted to bother Walker now that Heather is home, but I might have to.** _

_**No worries though, I'll be calling CiCi after I finish writing this.** _

_**I know that I'm slipping, and I don't want to.** _

_**Fuck.** _

_**I won't do drugs.** _

_**-S** _

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Are you done? I need to get back home. She's going to wake up and think I left her."_

_"You can't rush your body, Brittany. Did you leave her a note?"_

_"No, I thought I'd be done by now."_

I hadn't thought this through. All week I've been studying and researching. I've been doing what Dr. Ramirez had said and taking medication. I'd waited too long, screwed myself over, and now I was forced to do things that I was too young for.

She finished my vitals and then hooked another yellow bag up on the IV pole.

_"You will need your strength. So, once this bag is finished, you'll be free to go once your ride gets here."_

_"I can walk."_

_"You can't...if you don't have someone, I won't discharge you. Plain and simple."_

_"Fine. Can you hand me my phone?"_

She handed me my phone and then left to check on another patient.

I was cold in my gown and just wanted to curl back up with her.

My phone screen had a dozen messages on it, but only the single one from her mattered.

**_Fuck you.-Ana_ **

I tried calling her right then, but I was forwarded to her voicemail.

So, the next best thing would have to do.

_"Hey, B. Where are you?"_

_"Are you alone?"_

_"No, she's out in the kitchen bitching about you leaving her alone with no note and taking the kids."_

_"They're with her mom. She came and got them last night after Ana was already asleep. She's been so wound up that I didn't bother waking her."_

_"She showed up here smelling of wine and stumbling, B. I don't know what kind of fucked up limbo you two are in, but I think you should come back to the city with me. Everyone says that she was her best self before we got here. We are fucking up her progress."_

_"I don't want to go back. My family is here."_

Quinn got quiet, and then she said lowly.

_"Are those machines beeping? Where are you?"_

_"At the hospital. I had an appointment that I couldn't miss. Now, I can't leave unless I have a ride. Can you come get me?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Don't bring her."_

_"I'm not leaving her alone, B. Call your parents."_

_"No! I can't do that. You're the only other person that I trust."_

_"Fine, but I'm bringing Santana. Maybe she'll fucking relax when she sees you were at the doctor."_

_"Perfect...come to Dr. Ramirez's office. Okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

Quinn had been right, they showed up, and Ana was her best self, even if she was sobering up.

She hugged me tight, pushing Quinn out of the way in the process.

_"I'm sorry for being an ass."_

_"Never apologize for having a great ass, baby."_ I said and then kissed her neck, chin, and face until she giggled like the kids.

_"Mami texted a picture with the kids."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Dr. Ramirez refuses to tell me why you're here but insists that you need rest. Mami has the kids until tomorrow. Do you want to go home and have a veg day?"_

_"Please?"_

_"You got it, babe."_

_"Is my job done for now? Mind if I go run some errands after I drop you two off?"_ Q asked as we made our way out to the car.

 _"And what will we drive if we need to?"_ Ana asked her.

_"Uh, the pickup."_

_"The deathtrap, you mean?"_ Ana said, and I rolled my eyes.

_"It's not a deathtrap."_

We bantered back and forth all the way to the apartment.

When we pulled in, there stood a girl...tall and beautiful, in scrubs playing on her phone.

 _"Shit."_ Ana muttered, _"You can't let me have my phone when I'm emotional."_

 _"Then you'd never have a phone."_ Q muttered, obviously over my wife's antics.

 _"Is she here for you?"_ I asked Ana. _"Is that the chick who banged you?"_

 _"Yes."_ Ana squeaked.

 _"She's hot."_ I said, and she groaned.

_"And crazy."_

_"Well, then you met your match."_ Q said, and Ana punched her arm. _"Ow! Fuck, that hurt."_

_"Don't be rude, Fabray."_

* * *

My wife looked like she would piss herself, so I got out of the back and pulled her door open. She looked at me and shook her head.

_"Please, don't, B."_

_"Trust me."_

She looked past me and then up at me, nodding. I held out my hand and waited for her to take it.

When she did, I helped her out and then pushed the car door shut. I pulled her against me and kissed her with every bit of energy and passion that I possessed.

The taste of wine and a cigar invaded my senses, making my stomach turn, but I didn't stop kissing her. She held tight to me and only pulled back to take a breath.

 _"What was that for?"_ She panted.

 _"Mine."_ I growled low, nipping her lower lip. She nodded, looking up at me, dazed.

 _"Yours."_ She whispered.

I kissed her again and again until my legs hurt from the energy it took to stand for so long. The local anesthesia was wearing off.

 _"I get it...can you just stop fucking calling me."_ The chick said to my wife before brushing past us and heading to her car. I made a mental note of what it looked like and then rested my lips against her forehead. Kissing her a few times before pulling back.

 _"I'm too heavy for you to carry."_ I reminded Ana, forgetting that she wasn't in my head.

_"Huh?"_

_"I'm gonna-"_ The world turned, and I dropped like a stone to my knees, feeling extra cold and weak.

Thankfully Quinn hadn't pulled off yet, and even with her bad leg, she was still an ex-head Cheerio with superhuman strength.

She rushed out of the car and scooped me up like I was Izzy.

When she carried me bridal style into the apartment, my loopiness made me flirt. _"Wanky, Quinnie, Ana hasn't even carried me like her bride."_

_"Shut up, would you. Couch or bed?"_

_"Couch."_ Ana said before she finished asking. Which meant the room was probably a mess again. I had taken all the wine the night before threw it out, which also mean that she had a stash somewhere. When I was able to keep my eyes open, we would have a serious talk about it.

The last thing she wants is to become her father, and I won't let that happen, so help me, God.

* * *


	13. I'll Be Waiting (Adele)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**Can you answer my call, please?-Santana** _

I'd been calling Walker all day, and she hasn't responded, so finally, I broke down and texted her.

_**Are you drunk?-Walker** _

_**No. Sober. Just give me five minutes. That's all I'm asking.-Santana** _

_**Did you go to a meeting today?-Walker** _

_**I did. I just got back, and I also talked to CiCi.-Santana** _

_**Promise me.-Walker** _

_**I promise you that I am sober and clear-headed.-Santana** _

_**You're in luck. I'm across the street from your place. Charlie is trying out for lacrosse on the McKinley field. If you can, come over, bring Britt. Heather is here.-Walker** _

I looked over to the couch where my wife was drooling against my robe that she insisted she couldn't sleep without.

_**Britt's passed out. I'll come alone.-Santana** _

_**See you soon, left side bleachers.-Walker** _

I sat on the recliner and put my sneakers on, feeling anxious about meeting Heather, talking to Walker, and potentially screwing up their family time, but I needed to talk to Walker.

 _"Where ya going?"_ Britt mumbled. I looked over, and she was squinting at me.

_"I need air. Walker is over at the field with her wife. I was hoping to talk to her. Do you mind if I leave you for a bit?"_

Britt sat up really fast and had to reach out and hold onto the couch to steady herself.

_"I'm coming, I need to eat, and I have wanted to know her better. Then you, me, and the kids are going to get waffles at We Lime. Q needs the night off."_

_"Mami has them, remember?"_

Britt stared at me blankly, and then her brain caught up.

_"Right. Date night?"_

_"Actually, B...Mami is having a family dinner in your honor."_

_"Is she? Was this supposed to be a surprise?"_

I shrugged.

_"Kinda."_

_"Then I'll act surprised. Are we coming back here before we go to your mom's?"_

_"Yes. It shouldn't t-take long. I just need to make sure we're good. I didn't like how things went down between us. She's my only friend here. When you and Q go back, I need to know that I will still have my network. Does that make sense?"_

_"Totally. Can you hand me my sneakers?"_

* * *

Britt took my hand as we crossed the street and didn't let go once we were on the other side.

_"Why's she here?"_

_"Charlie is trying out for lacrosse."_

_"He's in high school?"_

_"Middle school, but I think they use McKinley's field for games and stuff."_

_"Cool."_

She kissed my forehead and then, let me lead the way once we were on the track, headed to the bleachers. Her hand was warm, and the hold she had on me was casual yet supportive. She had her own stuff going on that she avoided telling me, but she was still there by my side.

When it counted.

She was my very best friend, and in these little moments, she made sure to show me how much she loved me.

I could see Walker cuddled next to a woman, both of them clutching cups and staring down at the field.

 _"On second thought, maybe we should wait until the tryout is over."_ I said, stopping at the bottom of the bleachers.

_"Does she know you're coming?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Then we should go up there."_

_"Are you going to be able to handle it? I still don't know what's going on, but if you can't climb the stairs-"_

She rolled her eyes and took the lead, pulling me up the stairs with her.

Thank goodness for B's knack for always being able to just throw everyone around her off by just how sweet she can be.

Walker and Heather caught her up on how the tryout was going while I sat there just watching Charlie kickass.

As the kids broke to prepare for a scrimmage, Walker pointed to me, _"Ready?"_

I nodded, following her off the bleachers and down to the balcony that overlooked the field.

She glanced back at our wives, who were wrapped up in an excitable conversation.

 _"Well, they're hitting it off."_ I said, trying to break the ice. Walker sighed and looked heartbroken for a moment. That's when I remembered _. "Is the divorce still, you know, happening?"_ I felt like an idiot for forgetting.

"She came back a month early just so that we could go to therapy and work through this rough patch." Then she looked at me and rolled her eyes. She was fighting back the tears. _"Charlie told her that you and I were dating. She got jealous. That's why I asked you to bring Brittany. I'm glad you changed your mind."_

_"Britt insisted on coming. She has crazy timing and instincts, and maybe this was one of them."_

_"That's the nicest thing I've ever heard you say about her."_

_"It's true. I do love her...but I can also see what you meant about her bringing me down. I got drunk this morning, and I don't want it to be a problem."_

_"You don't think it's already a problem?"_ Her tone was more concerned than accusatory, which made a world of difference. My sisters were always policing me, but Walker had been where I stand, she'd done this addict game almost way longer than I had, which was the main reason I trusted her.

_"I do. It's not on the level of coke by any means, but it's becoming a cr-crutch. I think I needed to tell you that. I needed to be honest with you because you matter to me. I never want to hurt you or push you towards losing everything you've worked so hard for. I want to be just as amazing a friend to you, that you have been to me."_

_"Hmm."_ She said and then looked at the field. The kids were lining up for the scrimmage. She took a moment to take a few pictures on her phone.

_"Thank you for letting me distract you...just for a little."_

_"What are you going to change?"_

_"Huh?"_

_"Tonight, there's a dinner party at your mom's, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Will there be alcohol?"_

_"Probably."_

_"Were you planning on drinking?"_

_"I was before all of this happened. I don't need to drink to have a good time. It's always been secondary."_

_"Try to keep it that way."_

_"I will."_

_"Tomorrow, maybe, we can meet at the Bean. All of us. It will be good for Heather to see you aren't a threat."_

_"I can do that."_

_"Good...make sure you say goodbye to Heather before you two leave."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

What my wife didn't say was that she had made this a dinner party with more than just our families...at least not until we were at her mom's. She'd packed for us both, and when we got there, I heard the loud cackle of Mercedes.

I turned to Ana, and she smirked.

_"I might have invited glee peeps...just a few, though. The cool people."_

_"How many?"_ I said, feeling like I just wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

_"Aside from Mami, Pa, and your parents...six maybe."_

_"Promise me that it won't be more than that, please, baby?"_

_"Well, our kids too."_

_"Of course...promise me."_

_"I p-promise."_ She stuttered out, and I just nodded, not wanting to make her more anxious than she had been since her talk with Walker an hour before.

When I asked what they talked about, she just shook her head and changed the subject to tonight.

Because I feel like shit on the bottom of a giant's foot, I didn't argue.

Instead, I just blindly followed behind her and tried to blend into nothingness.

The pain had been small when I woke up but sitting on that cold bleacher for a half-hour brought all the pain right back.

 _"Go say hi to everyone. I'm going to head upstairs with our stuff."_ I kissed her face and then left her standing there as I headed upstairs.

It was still early, maybe I could manage another nap.

When I got to her old bedroom, there was Izzy passed out on the bed with Dani asleep a few feet away.

It was like a sign.

So I unpacked our overnight bag and then texted Ana.

**_Gonna nap a little. Wake me when it's time to get ready.-Britt_ **

**_Sweet dreams, babe.-Ana_ **

The moment I got the okay from her, I took off my shoes and pants, then I crawled into the bed and pulled Izzy against me.

He let out this sweet little sigh that 100% made sure I went to sleep with a smile on my face.

Grady had gotten so deep in my head that for a point in time, I really denied the only two people in the world who look at me with so much love. I was their parent, I did all the things that a parent does. I even stepped up and protected them when Ana had gone off the rails.

I was their Mama and I will never fully forgive myself for doubting that even for a second.

* * *

Ana had told me about Izzy taking off his diaper and throwing it, at the time I thought it was funny. Still, now that I've been woken up by a sticky hand slapping my face and a puddle of warm pee against my bare legs, it's not a joke.

I opened my eyes and Izzy was staring at me with wide eyes, waiting for my response.

 _"I pee."_ He said when he knew I was awake.

_"You did. Why did you take off your diaper."_

_"Icky."_

_"Icky?"_

He shook his head and scratched at his butt. _"Icky."_

It took a moment but I understood.

 _"Itchy?"_ I asked and he nodded.

_"Do you have a rash, Buddy?"_

I sat up, ignoring the pee for a second, and pulled him into my lap, examining his butt and upper legs. The rash on his skin was blistering and looked like it hurt more than it itched.

Was this what Quinn had been pissed about?

So much info had been flying at me for days that it was hard to remember what was said when and who said it and why.

_"Bath time, Buddy."_

_"No."_ He said, shaking at the thought.

_"Izzy you need a bath and I need to get your pee off of me."_

_"NO!"_ He yelled it this time.

The door to the room opened and Gladys came in, looking like a bum in sweats.

_"What's going on?"_

_"He peed and he's got this terrible rash."_

_"I know, when he got here it was even worse. I just gave your wife a talking to about it. She's been distracted."_

_"Do you have any of that salve stuff, he needs to soak."_

_"I'll take care of the kids, that's my job tonight, Hector and I will stay up here with them while you go downstairs and hang out with your friends."_

_"I'd rather hang out up here."_

_"Well she has missed your last few birthdays for one reason or another, she really wanted to celebrate you. It's the most focused I have seen her since you arrived, let her do this, and then tomorrow and however long, you can relax."_

_"Fake it, 'til I feel it, then?"_

_"Exactly. I took your stuff to the guest room while you were sleeping. Go shower in there, this is the kids' room tonight."_

_"Oh. Okay. Thanks, Ma."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I should have canceled the party when I knew she didn't feel well but I was certain she could pull it together.

And I was right, she smiled and laughed with everyone.

When it came time to make a toast, I had poured wine for everyone except myself. For me, it was just apple juice, and seeing that I was making an effort, Britt decided to have some too.

_"To my wife, the reason that I'm a whole ass person. Happy birthday, baby Mama."_

She smiled at me, her skin paler and her eyes more sunken in but she was pushing herself.

Mike pulled her into a conversation about the show and asked to see videos right around the time that Mercedes finally stopped staring me down and started bringing shit up that I wasn't in the mood for.

 _"What?"_ I growled.

_"Nothing, girl."_

_"From the moment you saw me in the kitchen, you've been shooting me looks like you know something that I don't. Can you just spit it out, please?"_ I tried to sound nice and finally, her face split into a grin.

_"I was trying to find the right moment to tell you that my manager and producer loved the song that you wrote...they also loved your voice."_

_"No shit."_

_"I'm serious. Do you have anything else in that mind of yours?"_

_"Of course, I've been writing songs since I was 13."_

_"Can I pay you for another one?"_

I rolled my eyes.

_"Mercedes, you don't have to pay me for a song. I can write you whatever, just tell me the sound you're looking for and give me credit when you win a Grammy."_

_"Oh, praise! Yes, you got it, girl."_ She hugged me and I finally stopped being a prickly ass.

_"I love you, thanks for making some of my dream come true."_

_"I love you too, I'd love to do more but I know you are working on becoming a mogul."_

_"I already am a mogul, I'm just letting everyone in on the secret."_

* * *

Britt hung in there until we saw off the last person and then she dropped the façade.

_"I need to sleep."_

_"Okay, B. Let's go."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Will you hold me all night?"_

_"If that's what you want."_ I pulled her gently up the steps and then began to strip her clothes off when we got in the room, and she let me right until I got to her pants.

 _"I can do the rest. Thanks, baby."_ She kissed my forehead and then pushed past me, shutting herself in the bathroom.

Still with the secrets.

What the hell was she hiding from me?

I checked in on the kids, they were on the floor with Hector, crawling around and squealing. I knew if they saw me, Daniela would want my boobs so I quietly ducked out and nearly ran straight into Mami.

_"I saw you cleaned up, I told you the cleaning woman was coming tomorrow."_

_"Yeah, I know but Mercedes and Tina insisted on helping to clean up. Mike had Britt laughing and I didn't want to ruin that. She's not feeling too great."_

_"I can see that."_

_"She's hiding something, Mami."_

_"I know."_

_"Wait, do you know what it is?"_

_"I do but I'm not supposed to. Her mother told me and no, I won't tell you."_

_"What good is it that you and Susan are friends if you can't spare me the freaking game of Clue?"_

_"In her time, not yours, Mi'ja."_

The words made me think of Carmen and all that she had sacrificed...then I was thinking about Nico and everything that involved that shit show. Britt had been through so much, and if she wanted to keep something to herself, so be it.

_"You're right. Thank you for taking care of the kids."_

_"Remember the trade-off...you need to start clearing out your stuff."_

_"I know, I know. You'll be good with them for one more day, right? Q is leaving tomorrow and I promised to take her to the airport."_

_"That's fine. Go enjoy your night and I'll bug you if I need you."_ She kissed my cheeks and then went into my old bedroom, closing the door and leaving me standing in a dark hallway with a million thoughts on my mind.

Namely, my wife. I could back off for now but I still needed to keep an eye out on her.

I owed her that much since she came home at my request. I had promised her that she'd heal better here, and I would make sure that I kept my word.

* * *

Britt seemed committed to the idea of doing some stuff on her own, like showering and dressing, so I gave her space. I went down to Papi's office and sat behind his desk. Then I was thinking about what came next.

Mami had asked me to clear out certain rooms of the house, that office being number one. It had become a shrine to my father, right down to the papers on his desk that were collecting dust.

Papi had been gone for two years now, it was long overdue that I got some cleaning done.

I started with his drawers and stopped immediately.

One of the drawers was just stuffed with pictures, each in a neat stack with each of his girls' names on them.

I picked up my stack. Despite years of feeling like Papi hated me, there were pictures of me at each of my piano recitals, ones from my single recital in ballet. There were dozens of me at football games in my Cheerios uniform. Among the pictures were little cut out of pictures I drew and folded up certificates I had gotten. He'd been way more sentimental than I had ever thought.

There was a stack for each daughter, with Brenda's being the biggest.

I wanted to rifle through it but I felt like I couldn't without my sisters, which got me thinking about the next time I would see them. I had gotten seven days of them after rehab and then hadn't really talked to them since.

So, even though it was nearing midnight, I decided to call Sandra.

 _"What's wrong?"_ She said as she looked at me. I wiped at my tears and smiled at her.

_"I missed you."_

She sat up and turned on the light. There was a shift next to her and then Celia's face popped over her shoulder.

 _"Is that Ana, what's wrong?"_ Ceily asked.

_"Is Mari gonna pop up next?"_

_"She's in the nursery with the kids, Norah had a bad dream, want me to get her?"_ Ceily asked.

_"Actually, yeah."_

While Celia was gone, Sandra stared past me.

_"You're in Papi's office."_

_"Yup."_

_"Did you find something?"_

_"I did but I want to wait for the girls."_

She nodded and then yawned.

_"Are you coming home for Thanksgiving? I miss those babies."_

_"Uh...I haven't thought about it, I guess I should figure that out."_

_"Yeah, that would be nice."_

_"Let me talk to Britt and Mami, see what they're doing, and then I'll let you know asap."_

* * *

Once Mari was in the room, asking just like the other two, what was wrong and I just chuckled.

_"So, I started cleaning out Papi's desk and I came across these stacks of pictures tied up with twine with a sticker for each of us."_

All of their eyes got wide and then Mari asked, _"Does Brenda have one?"_

I pointed the camera to the stacks that I had put on the desktop.

_"Hers is the biggest. I didn't check, I couldn't without you guys."_

_"Open it."_ Sandra said.

 _"Please."_ Ceily whispered.

 _"Wait."_ Mari said and then she took a few deep breaths before wiping away dry tears. _"Okay, I'm ready."_

We spent the next half hour going through each photo. There were pictures of all of the boys at different stages, fresh out of the womb, and school pictures. I paused when I saw a fat envelope folded in the middle of the stack. I showed it to the girls and they didn't even have to say it. I opened it and there were countless letters all to Papi. She'd sent him these pictures. Attached to each letter, was a copy of Papi's reply.

For so long we thought they were at odds but apparently, they just communicated differently.

 _"Can you bring my stack when you come for Thanksgiving?"_ Ceily asked.

 _"I'm not sure I'm coming but I can overnight them to you."_ I said.

 _"How could you not come for the biggest family holiday on the planet?"_ Mari asked.

I didn't have time to answer because the three of them started talking for me. Then the door to the study opened, Britt looked like a zombie as she lingered there. She looked around and I realized that she had never really seen this room. It had been off-limits to her.

_"Yo, I'll let you know if I'm coming. I need to get some rest. I love you. That's really why I called, I needed to tell you all that."_

_"We love you!"_ They chorused and then the call ended.

 _"You ready for bed, baby?"_ She asked, sounding like high school Brittany.

_"Yeah, sorry. I was giving you space."_

_"Are you still going to hold me?"_ She squeaked, sounding sad.

_"Duh."_

My response made her smile as she took my hand.

Her skin was cold to the touch and I knew that I'd need to wear clothes tonight if I was going to hold her.

It was worth it.

Love was always possible, that was what Papi had just taught me.

It reminded me of that Neruda poem about hiding love between the shadow and the soul, to keep it safe.

Maybe that was what Papi did and that must have been where I had learned it from.

Loving people out in the open had always been hard for me, at least I came by it honestly.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My heart has been so cold for days...weeks...I'm not even sure just how long anymore.

I keep reaching for that happiness that got me through high school and helped me to stay positive through everything.

My well has dried and there didn't seem to be any way to replenish it.

I had tried so hard to pull myself up and push myself but Ana always has this way to break past all that.

As she was drifting off, she looked me straight in my eyes and smiled.

 _"You know, B. No matter what you feel like you can't tell me, know that I love you still. I won't ever stop loving you."_ Then she kissed my nose and fell asleep.

She was snoring seconds later and looked so beautiful, I knew then that I could watch her forever. Her arm was tucked around my waist and her leg was thrown over mine, she held me with her whole body and I never wanted her to let me go.

All-day long I had been giving her everything that I felt strong enough to give her without breaking myself apart.

I'd been giving her all of the truths that I was sure of, even if I couldn't say that out loud. I was trying to let her know that even with all the heavy shit going on in my head and in m heart, she would always be my future even if it was like far in the future.

Everything felt different now, it was always before the procedure and after for me.

She was doing so well before I got to Lima and she was slipping before my eyes, today she made me proud. She sobered up, went to a meeting, and then admitted to Walker and then later to me that she was developing an alcohol problem.

It wasn't a craving, just a crutch and she wanted to get it under control. She has always been a force of nature and I just know that she is the best friend that I have ever had, she has been my protector and my comfort and I have never needed her more than right now.

All that I'm certain that I can be for her right now, is...better...that's about it.

I had been terrible to her.

Those days that I spent alone in my office had been days full of reflection.

I took a step back and looked at my life and I definitely didn't like what I saw.

Who had I become?

What did I look like in her eyes?

All I knew as I watched her sleep was that the way she looks at me isn't the same, no matter how she tries to hide it, I can see her pity...and I'll do anything to get that look to go away.

* * *

I managed to get about four hours of sleep which was a huge improvement over what I had been getting when I wasn't being held in her arms.

After a night of some actual sleep, I was reluctant to move but my bladder ached.

 _"Go to the bathroom, B...you're squirming."_ She mumbled against my neck.

I guess she does still know some things about me.

Her voice was deep and sexy, it made me feel sexy for the first time in months.

 _"You're pretty."_ I said to her, trying to hold back my squirming.

_"Go, pee, I'll still be pretty when you get back."_

_"Are you sure?"_ I asked, which was silly because she was holding me and not the other way around.

 _"Of course I'm sure. Now, go."_ She lifted her arm and then I felt her shift.

I sat up and so did she, her hands rubbing at her boobs.

_"You okay?"_

_"Just full and I have to pump and dump."_

_"You want me to get your pump?"_

_"No...I'll get it...go pee."_ She smiled, climbed out of the bed, and walked out of the room.

I felt so relieved as I sat in the bathroom and collected my thoughts.

The clock on the wall told me that it was just past four in the morning but I knew that I'd slept all that I could, my body could only go so long without movement.

I was wide awake.

* * *

When I returned to the room, she still wasn't back so I headed towards her old bedroom. She was sitting in the middle of the bed with Dani in her lap, latched on one boob while she pumped the other.

I was surprised that she was feeding the baby even though she said she'd pump and dump.

Izzy was asleep next to her. She looked so peaceful as she stared out the window at the treehouse, trapped in her own thoughts.

I didn't want to bother her...but I didn't really want to be alone either.

So I just lingered in the doorway until the machine buzzed. She eased the baby off of her and laid her back next to Izzy.

I watched as she made a fort around them with all the pillows.

She quietly walked the pump into the bathroom and I could hear the water running. I went further inside and dropped light kisses on my babies' heads.

When Ana came out of the bathroom, she flinched when she saw me.

_"When did you come in?"_

_"I just came to check on you, I thought you said you were dumping?"_

_"Yeah, I know...she was whining and there wasn't any milk in the minifridge...I didn't think it would do too much harm. I only had two glasses."_

_"I don't know, baby, maybe don't do that anymore."_

_"Right, I know. That's why I dumped the rest."_

_"Okay. Good."_

_"Want to go back to bed?"_

_"Actually...I'm not really tired...are you?"_

_"I don't need to sleep like other people do."_ She said a sad smile on her face. _"At least when I'm awake, I can fight my demons."_

 _"Whoa, where'd that come from?"_ Is this what her being zoned out was about.

_"I just have stuff on my mind. Should I call Walker and see if she wants to meet us for coffee?"_

_"Yeah, I like her wife. She's adorable and, she told me that she might know some people who would back the show."_

_"That's awesome."_

I kissed her face and tried to swallow back nausea that I normally felt in the mornings. I needed to take painkillers but I needed to be alone...at least until I got it together.

 _"Go ahead, call her and leave a note for your mom. I'm gonna get ready."_ Her face dropped but she quickly put on a smile. My pulling away was hurting her but I was doing this to save her sanity. I could carry my own burden. She couldn't fix everything.

* * *

Is car trouble a bad sign?

My truck died and when Mr. Hummel came to tow it he said that it probably was on its last leg.

Ana was a good sport about it...she simply pulled me towards the car she'd been using the last few months.

She even let me drive.

I could see that she was doing her best to get herself into a good headspace. She kept shooting me looks and smirks as we headed towards the Lima Bean.

She looked leaned over the console and kissed my cheek.

_"I love you, B."_

_"I love you too."_

Every time I have felt unsteady, I have taken her hand just in case I go down but it's worked as a double purpose because each time I do it, she smiles and I would do anything to make her smile.

We stood in line people watching, whispering about people like we used to and it was like for that little piece of time, all the drama hadn't happened, I just had my girl by my side.

And then reality came crashing back...like always.

 _"Welcome to the Lima Bean!"_ Ana's head shot up when she saw the person on the other side of the register.

 _"Karofsky, I thought you didn't do Sundays."_ she said as she got up to the counter.

 _"Hi, Britt! I didn't know you were in town, it's good to see you."_ he said in a really chipper, fake voice, completely ignoring Ana.

 _"How are you?"_ I asked as Ana stared up at the menu behind him with disinterest. She was totally annoyed by his presence and I wasn't quite sure why.

_"I'm good...working here to pay for school. Just needed to stay busy."_

Ana scoffed but still pretended to be ignoring the conversation.

_"I know how that is. Busy is a good thing...I'll have a large hot chocolate with extra whip cream and Santana will have a...bottle of water and a large coconut caramel latte."_

He nodded as he scribbled our orders onto two cups and then handed them to the barista before he came back and punched in the amount.

_"Anything else for you ladies?"_

He looked like he was actively trying to smile at Ana but she was now hovering over the display area and ignoring him.

 _"Ana? Do you want anything else?"_ She looked at me and then shook her head before reaching forward and grabbing her water from the countertop.

_"That will be $20.87."_

Ana pulled a fifty out of her bra and put it on the counter.

 _"Keep the change...I'm sure you need it."_ Ana said in a cold voice before walking over to the barista and striking up a cheerful conversation.

That wasn't very nice.

She had never flaunted her money in anyone's face...what had changed?

When I looked up at Dave, I could see that his ears were red, and looked completely embarrassed.

I smiled the best that I could.

And here I thought that her bullying days were over.

 _"Thank you very much!"_ I said before turning and walking towards Ana who was obviously flirting with the hot barista.

What the hell was going on?

* * *

Ana smiled at me as she handed me my hot chocolate.

Was she hoping for a certain reaction?

Was she testing me?

 _"Walker bailed on us, something about another tryout for Charlie, so it's just us."_ She was clearly annoyed but she kept smiling, kept trying to hold up this fake happiness and I hated every second of it.

 _"Do you want to stay here or maybe we can go for a walk in the park?"_ I asked.

 _"Anywhere but here...please?"_ She said as she walked ahead of me.

We definitely needed to talk about the attitude shift. I spent way too much time in high school ignoring the things that she'd done and the way that she mistreated people.

She was a mother now, she couldn't act like that anymore.

Not if we were going to be together again.

We walked across the roadside by side, but I kept my mouth shut.

Ana is a complex person at times but once you get to know her, she's always the same on the most basic levels.

If I asked her to explain herself before she was ready and relaxed, she would snap, and I was so not in the mood to be snapped at so I waited until we were far enough from the Lima Bean.

Once we crossed into the park, I linked pinkies with her and pulled her down to the pond where the ducks were.

I led us to our old bench at the furthest end of the lake near the walking trail and sat down.

She plopped down beside me and before I could even say a word, and she surprised me by not making me pry the words out of her.

_"I'm sorry that I was such a bitch back there. I just hate having to see Karofsky's stupid smiling face. When Walker is around, I try to hold it in but the way he just smiled in your face pissed me the fuck off."_

_"Wow."_

She looked at me but I didn't look back at her, I kept my eyes forward as I watched a duck family swim across the lake all in a row. Swimming their own way but all together. That's how I wanted to be with her.

But not if she can just throw around the word stupid so easily. I thought I had gotten her to stop saying that and at some point, she knew that she got under my skin with comments like that.

Don't even get me started on her throwing money around, it was such a turn-off and I felt more disappointed in her at that moment than when I discovered all those wine bottles which is saying something.

I didn't want to be mad at her though, so I just took deep breaths and watched the lake because the ducks calmed me, it was the most peaceful thing that I knew how to do when I felt like this.

Controlling my rage was helped by my meds but also just the peace of the water. It was what I missed the most when I was in the busy streets of the city.

She sighed and then took a huge gulp of her coffee before she spoke again.

_"I slept with him...way back when you were with Artie...back before he was out."_

_"Gross."_ I muttered.

She sighed. _"W_ _hen he found out that I had been an escort and that I was having a baby...I still haven't figured out how...he harassed the shit out of Ian. He kept telling him how he was having a baby with a whore. He did it all the way up until Ian killed himself...I had thought that I put a stop to it but Tor told me that he was constantly calling Ian...that he even approached her a few times."_

_"Why would he do that? Did she tell Sue?"_

_"I told Sue."_

_"Good."_

_"You know that he actually told her that I was a money-hungry slut. He's always been annoyed because he couldn't fake being straight...like I could...he told Tor that I used Ian and that I didn't give a shit about him. He called my kids bastards. He said I was with you because you were stupid enough to just go along with my shit."_

_I flinched. "He did?"_

_"Yeah, how can I forgive that, B?"_

I scooted closer and just wrapped an arm around her.

 _"I don't think you have to."_ I said before leaning in and kissing her temple.

We didn't need any more words at that moment.

She explained herself and even though I was kind of annoyed that she had acted that way, she had a reason and I couldn't be angry with her for it.

For her, that had been nice considering how he had been.

 _"I'm a work in progress, B."_ She said like she was the only one.

_"So am I, Ana, more than you know."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

What the hell did that even mean?

She couldn't keep shit to herself and then drop things like that in my lap and not expect me to pry.

But I had already tested her patience with throwing my money on the counter, I knew it would bother her which is why I walked away. I couldn't bear to disappoint her yet again.

After her infuriating statement, she got up and walked down to the water, it was like she was drawn to it.

There was a time that I felt the same way but after that boat dream with Isaac when I was pregnant and then nearly drowning in the Fabray's pool, water hasn't given me the same peaceful vibes that it gave my wife.

Still, it felt like this moment was important and I couldn't let it pass. How often had we not talked about shit, only for it to bite us in the ass later. So I got up and walked down towards the waterline.

My instinct was to reach out and touch her but it was evident that I needed to wait for her to touch me. She was on edge, Grady and the abortion had done a number on her. She was ghost of herself.

When she reached out and found my hand though, I knew she was trying, even in her pain and I had to meet her where she was.

I needed to stop expecting her next move. I had to manage what I thought of her and just lean into what she needed in that moment.

_"I just wish you had told me about Dave sooner. We could have talked it through. You shouldn't be carrying anger like that, trust me it hurts everyone involved."_

_"I did tell you though, just now without being asked."_ I was on the defensive, I just couldn't help myself. _"When have you known me to offer up explanations...truthful ones without being asked?"_

 _"I know, you just still have this whole OTHER life I don't know about. I took a bullet from a man that I don't even know but you know him, right?"_ I nodded and tried to smile but she wasn't looking at me. Her eyes stayed on the water. _"There is so much I don't understand about you. I want to know you better. I want us to have that link between us, where I could read you like Ari or Quinn can. Like we used to be before Marco and Ian."_

_"I want that too."_

_"Yeah but there's a wall though... there are miles between us even with you standing right next to me. It used to be just on your side but now there's one on mine and I don't know how to get past it."_

_"I know, what can I do to convince you that you can rely on me, Britt Britt?"_

_"I want you to love me again."_

_"I do love you, I never stopped for a second."_

_"You love who I was...but I don't think you can even begin to say you love me as I am now. I don't think you really knew me even back then. You didn't even know I was on medication and we had been dating for a year."_

_"That still shocks me."_ I admitted as I kicked at the ground in front of me.

_"I used to almost be as good as you with my secrets. Now though...I'm starting to realize that the secrets we kept and that we still keep are poisoning our relationship. I think for us to trust each other we need to lay it all out...everything."_

_"Everything?"_ I could hear how tight my voice sounded. I wrapped my arms around myself, seeking the comfort that she wasn't giving me.

_"Everything and just so that you can be comfortable...I can go first. I can open up to you. Tell you the stuff that I have always kept to myself...what do you think?"_

She finally turned to look at me and saw that she was even paler. Her lips were swollen from her biting them.

I hated it when she was nervous with me when I was supposed to be her person.

 _"How about truth for truth?"_ She finally said as she shifted her eyes to meet mine. Her walls were completely down, she was completely open to me at that moment and I was so grateful for it after days of her avoiding me.

 _"Are you sure you can handle that?"_ I asked and then she sucked in a shaky breath and then shook her head.

 _"Probably not but I can't keep waiting until I'm ready. I need to open up...I know that."_ _I watched her take a few more shaky breaths, tears welling in her eyes as she pressed her to her stomach._ _"My baby is gone, Ana. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same but I need to try."_

It hurt more than just me...I could see the pain in her eyes as she glanced towards my stomach and then back up at me.

I turned her towards me, put a hand on her cheek, and the other, I slipped under her shirt to touch her stomach.

She hissed but didn't move me.

Progress.

_"Whenever you're ready to talk to me, B. I'm here. I always will be."_

She threw her body against me and hugged me tightly. I stood there holding her, listening to her little whimpers as she cried into my hair.

 _"Thank you."_ She finally said when she pulled away. I used my thumbs to wipe her tears and then I smiled at her, this time without anything behind it but love.

 _"Can I kiss you?"_ I asked her and she smiled before leaning down and kissing me.

In that kiss, I tried to transfer all of the calm and love that I possessed.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The kiss calmed an ache in my soul and made my body feel warmer. I had been carrying a coldness in my bones since that day at the clinic and no matter how much I moved or danced it never left me.

Not until now when Ana touched me.

There's this huge part of me that Grady has tainted by making me doubt her love for me but she is stronger than anything Grady could have said or done. Ana is everything.

After my breakdown, I took her hand, waited for that smile, and then we walked the trail around the lake.

It had been way too ambitious of me to take a mile walk like that, but I thought I could conquer my exhaustion with the warmth of her touch, but I could feel it seeping in.

On the walk back towards the parking lot, she seemed to be happier and bouncy. I liked her like this.

And I was convinced her silly, joyful side, was something she only gave to me.

 _"I love you."_ I whispered but she was so wrapped up in her excitement that she didn't hear me. I knew her response though.

She'd love me always, fuck what Grady thought, I already knew the truth of us.

_"Hey, B?"_

She stopped us and looked up into my eyes.

_"Yea?"_

_"I'm hungry. Are you?"_ I've heard a million words from my wife but not even when she was pregnant did she ever say those words. So I was never going to turn her down, even though I was sick to my stomach from the long walk.

 _"Starving."_ I said as I looked at her with a smile on my face.

_"We Lime?"_

_"Pancakes!"_ I said excitedly.

It had been a while since I had allowed myself to get this happy about anything...I think Ana brings it out of me with that smile of hers.

We were definitely making progress.

* * *

We walked slowly back across the road, pinkies linked and my mind going in circles.

It was definitely going to be tough being completely open with Ana but I knew that we needed this.

That I needed this.

We climbed back in the car and a chill ran through me.

Exactly what I had been hoping to avoid...just for today.

I was suddenly drained and was glad that the drive to We Lime wasn't that far.

Maybe I shouldn't have decided to drive again knowing how I felt but I wanted her to love me, I wanted Grady to not have the power in my head anymore. I took a breath and eased up on the gas, focusing on driving without making Ana worry.

I could feel her eyes on me and so I stared even harder on the road.

Somehow we got there...it was God or angels or Court.

The thought of my sister driving, without a license as an angel, made me giggle.

And even though she didn't know what I was giggling about, my wife giggled too as we pulled into a parking spot.

When I turned off the car sat back against the seat, I realized just how blurry my vision was. I just needed to swallow back nausea and make it to the table.

Focus Lopez.

_"Britt Britt?"_

I turned my head towards the sound of her voice and saw that she was standing with my door open and her hand out.

 _"How'd you move so fast?"_ I said as a lazy smile crossed my face.

_"Come on...if we don't get some food in you...I'm scared that you might pass out."_

I took a deep breath and pushed myself to stand up.

The world was spinning but I just allowed Ana to lightly pull me along.

I could feel the worry coming from her in waves and I hated it. She wasn't supposed to be worrying about me but I wasn't helping her to not worry. I felt delirious.

I don't remember walking into the restaurant or sitting down in a booth across from the prettiest woman in the world but it happened.

Somehow.

* * *

_"B?"_

My head shot up and I saw an intense concern written all over Ana's face.

 _"Yea?"_ I said as I looked back down at my menu trying to concentrate. It hadn't been this bad. I felt the gush and was thankful that I put a heavy-duty pad on this morning. Bleeding every single day since the procedure had been taking its toll on me but it had never gotten this bad.

The procedure had slowed it a little but now it seemed like it was just taking a break. Ana looked like she was near tears as she reached across the table and took my sweaty hand.

How far we had come, when she took my hand she didn't even look around to see if people were watching.

Living out and proud in New York had been good for her.

_"You don't look so good...do you want to just go back to the house?"_

I looked into her eyes and could see wrinkles etching themselves on her face.

_"No. I'm fine. Just a little dizzy...I just need to eat something."_

I tried to reassure her but it wasn't working.

_"Are you sure?"_

_No._ I wanted to say but I was being stubborn.

_"Yea...here comes the waitress. Too late to back out now."_

I flashed the waitress a smile and before she could introduce herself, I was ordering a huge stack of pancakes and some orange juice. Once the perky waitress left us alone again, Ana had returned to staring at me.

_"You took all of your antibiotics a while back, right? All of them?"_

It had been over a week, how was she just asking me that. I looked at her dumbstruck.

Was I that obvious?

At least I could be honest.

_"Yes."_

_"Does this have to do with whatever you saw Dr. R for?"_

My pancakes came just in time because I effectively ended the conversation by stuffing my mouth. Ana nodded and excused herself from the table. If I had to bet on it she was calling Dr. Ramirez.

She wasn't as sneaky as she thought she was. I continued to eat my food and ignore my body screaming at me. I didn't deserve to forget what I had done, so the pain and the ache would remain.

I didn't want to numb it.

_"B?"_

I closed my eyes for just a second but that had been all that was necessary.

I had fallen asleep.

* * *

I lifted my head and saw her standing at the end of my bench.

_"Come on...I'm taking you to the hospital."_

I looked at her in confusion.

We were supposed to be eating breakfast.

 _"No."_ I mumbled as I tried and failed to pick up my fork.

I was shaking badly, I hated that she was seeing me like this.

_"I'm really worried B. I'll call an ambulance if I have to...you don't want that do you?"_

She now had a hand on my arm and I knew she needed me to stand because I was too heavy for her to lift.

The ambulance was a threat because she knew I hated them, how they creeped me out.

So I stood on shaky legs and leaned against the wall.

Ana threw money on the table and asked the waitress to wrap our food while she took me to the car. She wrapped an arm around my waist and allowed me to lean against her.

Boy was I ever grateful for that because the moment that I took a step, my knees buckled but Ana was calm and collected as she got me out the door and strapped me into the car.

She had just closed my door when the waitress came out with our food.

_"Keep me updated, Santana. Feel better Brittany."_

I smiled and then closed my eyes. I felt like a heater was on my face but my teeth were chattering as I tried like hell to open my eyes.

 _"Do we know that girl?"_ I finally asked.

_"Sunshine Corazon...She was in that weird turf war with Rachel...remember?"_

_"Oh...right, crack house."_ I mumbled.

I closed my eyes after that and didn't wake back up for a while. It was the best sleep that I had gotten in months.

* * *

Waking up in the same exact position you were in when you had an abortion is never a good thing. The moment that I realized that I was flat on my back with my knees open and my legs angled on those fucking foot things...I began to freak out.

I was sobbing as I tried to lift my arms but they were too heavy.

Not again.

_"Shhh...it's okay...shhh...I'm here, B."_

Ana's hand touched my forehead as she came into my line of vision. She had her arm wrapped over my stomach and was holding me still now. I stared at her lips and then her eyes. I wanted to scream but the tears were blocking my throat.

I calmed down as much as I could as I tried to focus only on her touch.

 _"What's...what's happening?"_ I whispered finally.

 _"You're just getting checked out...I'm here. Just try to relax._ _The doctor will be in here any second._ _Can you be brave for me...Britt Britt?"_

I looked at her and shook my head. _"No...I need to get up."_ I tried to sit up on my elbows but she pressed a firm hand on my chest so that I was lying flat again.

 _"You passed out in the car. You started...bleeding, Brittany. Tell me the truth...did you take the antibiotics?"_ She didn't look angry, just concerned.

 _"I did...for the first few days...then I spilled them...and...well...I was too embarrassed to go back to the pharmacy."_ I admitted.

She sucked in a breath and then rubbed at her forehead before dropping her hand down again.

 _"No more lies...okay."_ She said as she rubbed my stomach lightly.

My whole body was focused on that touch on my bare skin.

How was it possible for her to scold me and soothe me all at once?

Ana had managed to keep me calm until there was someone in the room with us.

Dr. Ramirez looked at me with pity and it made me angry.

Fuck...I forgot my medicine.

When was the last time that I took it?

Mom had made me take it...how long ago was that?

Ana still held me as the doctor moved around between my legs and then she pressed on my stomach and pain shot through my body. Ana kept her hands on either side of my face and sang softly to me as I whimpered through the exam.

She was the only thing that keeping me grounded.

Dr. Ramirez lowered my feet and then adjusted a pad under my butt before pulling the blanket down to cover me.

_"I'm going to go consult with Dr. Cabot...and my fellows. I'll be right back. Santana, good job keeping her calm. The bleeding will be worse if she's worked up, so keep doing what you're doing."_

_"Will do, Doc. Hurry back."_

When we were alone again, Ana helped me to sit up and fluffed pillows behind me.

She was delicate and sweet like the old Santana, and it made my head hurt.

I watched quietly as she pulled the chair over so that she was sitting against the bed and then she held my hand in both of hers and kept dropping kisses on my fingers.

 _"You really worried me, B."_ she said as she looked at me with a scrunched up face.

_"I'm fine."_

_"No...you're not fine. You have gone way too long ignoring yourself. First your mental health and now your physical health. You're sick and you've been trying to hide it. I saw it this whole time and I shouldn't have let you lie to me."_

_"No...I didn't lie, I'm fine."_

_"Tell me that you aren't in pain...tell me that you feel perfectly normal."_

_"I can't."_ I finally admitted.

 _"Exactly, so shut up and let me take care of you. You've been taking care of me for so long and now it's time for you to let me return the favor. I mean have you seen my candy stripper costume, who wouldn't want me to nurse them back to health."_ She said with a wink before kissing my hand again.

* * *

People have always talked about how guarded Ana is, but she's not as guarded as I am in all reality. She has helped me protect my secrets and has allowed me to live in my own reality for way too long but now it was time to let her into my world.

Isn't this what I wanted?

Her to love me again?'

To reconnect?

This wasn't how I wanted it to happen though but my body had decided for me. I kept staring at her, trying my best to allow my guard down, but three doctors walked into the room before I could.

All of them had mixed expressions as they approached the bed.

One of them was Dr. Ramirez, the other I had never seen before, but the third...the one that looked the most distressed was Dr. J. We hadn't seen him in forever, so when he stood there looking between us, suddenly Ana looked nervous and scared.

If she was afraid...I should be too...right?

I looked over to the doctors and then I felt Ana kissing my hand again.

 _"What is it?"_ I finally asked as I pulled my hand into my lap.

I couldn't focus with Ana holding onto me so tightly.

 _"You have a bad infection...it's gotten into your bloodstream. If you hadn't come in today...you wouldn't have made it more than a few more days."_ Dr. J said as he walked around the bed and shined a light into my eyes. _"We are going to keep you overnight, give you the best medicine to clear out this infection and you'll be on an antibiotic drip. The nurses tell me that you don't want pain medicine but with this kind of infection, the tension in your body from resisting the pain will only make it harder on you."_

 _"I don't want them."_ I said, feeling tired but not wanting to be drugged more than necessary.

_"Baby, let them give you something."_

_"No. Please."_ I whispered.

 _"Okay, but you'll tell me if it's too much, promise me."_ Ana looked angry.

 _"I will."_ I looked to Dr. J., _"Can she stay with me?"_

 _"You'll be in isolation from visitors but since she's already here,_ _Santana can stay."_

_"I'm going to be okay...right?"_

_"Let's allow the medicine to do their job and then we will talk about how bad this is. I'm going to get your paperwork ready to get you admitted. You must be honest from here on out...any pains you might have...you page a nurse immediately. Santana...if she gets faint, passes out...you page me or Dr. Ramirez directly. Okay?"_

How had we ended up like this?

I sat patiently as I got hooked up to an IV. Ana was anxious, so she brushed my hair up into a ponytail and hummed softly while we waited for me to get moved to a room.

When she finally sat down, I shifted in the bed and pushed through the pain of moving.

_"I'm sorry that I ruined pancakes."_

_"You didn't ruin them, they are wrapped up, when you get your appetite back, we'll eat them."_

_"My appetite? How did you know?"_

_"You were rambling when we got here, you told me about your procedure the other day. That you froze your eggs...you told me how you haven't been keeping food down...about how you haven't stopped bleeding."_

_"Oh."_

_"I'm not mad. I'm not, just worried."_

_"You lie way worse since rehab."_ I said and she smirked.

_"That's Doc's fault, she made me honest and shit."_

_"It's okay to be mad."_

_"No, it's not. I'll be mad at you when you can fight back. Right now, I'm just worried about you Britt Britt."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because I love you."_

The words were effortless for her.

Even after everything that Grady had said.

Ana still loved me.

How could I ever doubt that?


	14. Thinking of You (Katy Perry)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N:I was scolded for being too dark, I don't know how to do this any other way and I'm okay with that. People are funny. Enjoy lovelies. Triggery darkness ahead.

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt lasted about an hour before the pain became too much, and she begged for painkillers, which Dr. J quickly agreed to. He admitted that her body was in such rough shape that they considered putting her in an induced coma to allow her body to rest.

As her wife and someone who had been in two induced comas and a forced one, I shot that down. She'd ask for drugs, and I was right.

The moment she was asleep, I kissed her face, grabbed my phone, and left the room.

 _"It's good that you're stepping away."_ Dr. Ramirez said when she saw me headed to the elevators.

 _"I have to check on my kids and..."_ If it were any other doctor, I would hesitate, but this was a woman who had acted like my godmother for most of my life. _"I want to be here when she wakes up, but I really need a meeting."_

She pulled me into an empty room, shut the door, and then hugged me tightly. _"I am so damn proud of you for knowing what you need. You've come a long way. Brief your mom and hers, then go to that meeting. With the help of morphine and Brittany finally allowing herself to rest, she should be out for a while."_

_"You'll call me if anything comes up?"_

_"Of course."_

_"Thanks."_ I hugged her this time, and then I was on the move. I didn't have the luxury of time, and Britt was more stubborn than me, so I knew she'd try to wake herself up the moment the pain stopped. I knew she'd understand my need for a meeting, but I just couldn't let her wake up alone.

I had to be an adult and manage my expectations, and right now, I needed to manage hers too. She expected someone that she loved to be there when she woke up, and I was going to make sure that happened.

* * *

Instead of calling, I drove straight to the Pierce's and knocked on the door.

Rob answered, covered in the remnants of his day.

 _"Are you just getting home?"_ I asked.

_"Hi to you too, Santana. I began working on the apartment across the hall from you now that Quinn is gone."_

I slapped my forehead.

Shit.

_"Crap, I was supposed to take her to the airport."_

He chuckled and stepped back so I could go inside. _"I took her, don't worry about it. Don't stand on the porch. You're wasting my heat. Come in."_

_"No, I need to get going, but I had to talk to you and Susan first. It's important."_

His face got serious, and I hated that I had to deliver the news that he almost lost another child just eleven months after losing the other.

 _"Suzie, come here."_ He called toward the kitchen.

Susan came to the door, wiping her hands on her apron.

Syrup Sunday...it was breakfast for dinner night, Britt's favorite.

_"Hi Santana, what's wrong?"_

_"Britt passed out at We Lime. I rushed her to the hospital. She lost a lot of blood and had to have two transfusions. She had a bad infection."_ Her parents looked panicked, and it broke my heart, _"Sorry I didn't call sooner, I left my phone in the car. She's stable, they have her on a drip, and she's finally asleep. She's being isolated because of the infection, but she's alone right now. I need a meeting, really bad. If one of you could just go sit with her...please?"_

I was crying now, and then they wrapped me up in their arms.

The comfort was just the thing that I needed.

Thank God for them.

* * *

I asked Susan to talk to Mami and check in on the kids while I went straight to the church. Like Dr. Ramirez, she was so proud of me for taking care of my own recovery that she just hugged me tight and promised to make sure that the kids would be cared for between her and Mami.

And by default, because I had no milk left at the apartment, Susan's or Mami's, Daniela was just going to have to deal without my milk.

Her teeth were razor-sharp, so it was going to be good to give my nipples a break.

I showed up to the meeting late, and even though we'd been so off the mark with each other for the last few days, Walker had still saved me a seat. I tried sneaking to my seat, but the room went quiet.

 _"Santana, would you like to speak?"_ The leader asked.

I was just about to sit down, but I stayed standing, especially since I hadn't spoken in a very long time.

 _"I would."_ Everyone was looking at me, and I felt the shake in my hands, so I shoved them in my pockets. _"Hi, I'm Santana. I'm an addict."_

_"Hi, Santana."_

_"I've been sober and backslid a lot now. I'm 20, but I feel twice my age. I've been sober when it comes to drugs for 8 months. Recently, I've been drinking way more than ever. Alcohol has never really been something I was addicted to. The high or drunkenness' lasts too long for me, I guess, but lately, I've been using it as a crutch. I don't want to add yet another thing that I'm addicted to, but as someone pointed out recently, an addict is an addict. No matter what, I'm going to have an addiction, whether it's food, wine, or cocaine. I've had a dark 48 hours, I have taken my urge to slide backward and turned it into bringing my ass here."_ I let out a shaky breath, feeling a little better as people nodded along. _"Today has been the worst, but here I am, and I plan to keep showing up. So congrats, you guys are my crutch now."_

A couple of people chuckled, and then they clapped as I sat down.

Walker handed me a tissue, and I wiped the tears that had betrayed my mental directive to stay away.

_"Thanks."_

I sat for the rest of the meeting, trying not to fidget, but I really just wanted to get back to Britt, but I knew that this moment wasn't about her. All the moments outside of the meeting would be.

Right now, I had to focus...be in the moment.

Be present.

* * *

When I got back to the hospital, Susan and Rob were standing outside of the room, staring inside.

 _"Hey, why aren't you in there?"_ I asked Susan.

_"They wouldn't let us, but she's still asleep. We've been here in her line of sight so that when she wakes up, she'll know."_

_"I'm sorry they didn't let you in."_ I said, handing them the two cups of hot chocolate that Walker had sent me with once I told her the whole story of my day. She had insisted that I eat a croissant while she watched, then she sent me off with drinks for my in-laws.

 _"You don't have to thank us, that's our baby in there."_ Rob said, slurping his hot chocolate like a kid.

Susan looked on in annoyance but then smiled at him when he grinned at her.

His smiles, the real ones, were few these days. It was good to see him living his life again.

_"I brought her soft ducky pajamas. Will she be able to wear them?"_

_"The top probably, but she has stitches, and they need to check them a lot, so the pants will probably be in the way."_ Rob's smile vanished as he looked back at Britt.

I took the pajama shirt from Susan and then hugged her before washing up, putting on a gown over my clothes before going inside.

From the outside, it looked like she was sleeping, but as I got closer, I could hear her whimpering.

_"B?"_

_"You left."_ She whispered. _"Can you make them leave...please?"_

_"I asked them to come here, B."_

_"They shouldn't be seeing me like this...not after Court."_

She had been purposely looking away from her parents, pretending to sleep, and with my back to them, I'm sure they didn't realize she was awake.

_"I'm sure if you can just be awake for them and show them you're okay, they'll feel better about leaving. The doctors won't let them come in."_

_"Where were you?"_ She asked.

I moved closer to see her eyes and see that her whole face was red and wet.

 _"A meeting. I spoke today about my drinking. Please don't be mad."_ Her anger and sadness were washed away at my words, but I still needed to hear her say it. I moved closer and crouched down, so we were eye level. _"Please?"_

She smiled at me and then said the last thing I wanted to hear.

 _"You're so much better than Grady said. Good job, baby."_ Even if she was proud, his name in reference to me was something I never wanted to hear, just like she hated the comparisons to Marco or Ian.

 _"Grady?"_ I said, standing up, feeling the weight of her words, knowing that they spent time talking about me. I was better than he said. What the fuck had he been saying. I glanced back to the window. Her parents looked miserable. _"You need to sit up and wave to your parents, show them that you're okay."_

 _"But I'm not okay."_ She grumbled.

 _"Sometimes you have to push your own selfishness away, Brittany."_ I snapped, and her eyes went wide. Maybe I crossed a line but damnit if she didn't do exactly what I said. Her parents both lit up when she smiled at them and waved at them. Susan held up her ringing phone, and I dug Britt's phone out of the side table, answering the phone and then holding it up for her.

With me watching her, an eyebrow raised, she happily talked to her parents, listening to their advice and agreeing to keep them in the loop. Satisfied that she was in good hands, they blew us kisses and left.

Her smile fell, and she looked sad again.

_"I'm sorry that I brought him up."_

_"I just don't get what you saw in him...how did that even happen? How do you just fall in love with someone you barely know?"_

_"Do you want me to tell you?"_ I shrugged.

_"Maybe."_

_"Fine, but you can't freak out every time you don't like something I said. We won't get anywhere with that."_

_"I'll try."_

_"That's all I ask."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

**(Flashback)**

* * *

**_"Hey, are you crying?"_ **

**_I lifted my head and looked down into the front row._ **

**_Tony's new male lead was sitting there looking concerned, and I hadn't met him yet._ **

**_I had just dropped off Ana at the rehab center and had taken a full week off from the play to get the kids situated._ **

**_This was supposed to be my first day back, and I had started it alone in an empty theater, dancing through my problems._ **

**_It hadn't worked._ **

**_I was ashamed to be found this way, but he didn't flinch as he walked towards the stage and rested a warm hand on my arm._ **

**_"Are you okay?" he asked._ **

**_I looked up into dark eyes and thought of Ana, who had left to rehab for what felt like an eternity. I was surrounded by people who had opinions about everything I did with MY kids...I wasn't okay._ **

**_"I'm just having a rough morning." I said as I jumped down from the stage. "I'm better now, though, thanks."_ **

**_"Good...I'm Grady, by the way."_ **

**_"Nice to meet you...I'm Brittany Lopez...lead female choreographer."_ **

**_"Wow...you're kind of hot." he said as he looked me up and down._ **

**_"Kind of?"_ **

**_I laughed for the first time in days._ ** **_It felt good, and it made me feel guilty._ **

**_"Well...I saw that ring on your finger, so I can't really tell you what I really think, can I?" He winked at me and flashed an intoxicating smile. I was ashamed of the w_ ** **_armth that flushed through me._ ** **_I hadn't felt like this towards a guy since Finn, and with him, I was_ ** **_just doing it to make her jealous._ **

**_"You can tell me whatever you want. It's not a secret. Besides, if you think I'm hot...you should see my wife."_ **

**_His face went pale, and his jaw hung open._ ** **_I rolled my eyes, pulled out my phone, and showed him a picture of Ana and then a picture of the kids._ **

**_"Wow. So two hotties...nice." he said as he threw an arm over my shoulder as if we had been best friends forever._ **

**_"She's pretty amazing."_ **

**_"Does she dance too?"_ **

**_"She's a singer more than anything else, actually."_ **

**_"Wow...hot, and she can sing. Don't fall asleep at the wheel...I may steal her. I have always wanted myself a fiery Latina."_ **

**_I laughed as we walked towards the back offices. She would have hated to be referred to by her ethnicity and a stereotype, even if that's exactly what she was._ **

**_"You have a better shot at me...she's totally a lesbian...I'm the bisexual one in our relationship."_ ** **_I still regret saying that to him because he accepted that as a challenge from that moment on._ **

* * *

_"So that's how you met him?"_ My wife looked at me with so much hurt in her eyes, but she was trying to be open like I had asked. I'd waited until it was dark, and most of the hospital was asleep when the only thing lighting the room was the light above my bed. For some reason, I thought it would give me more courage, but it hadn't. _"You're right, you know, I would have hated if he said that about me to my face. I would have punched him. Do you feel like, by telling him you were bi, that he felt like it was a challenge to get with you?"_

_"Yea...I regret it too."_

_"Did you ever have a moment where you thought you loved him more than me?"_

She tightened her arm around my waist as I leaned against her shoulder, I knew the question had no good answer, so I just chose to be honest.

_"I did...he treated me like a princess. I just knew that if he kept treating me that way, I could get from under your spell."_

_"My spell?"_

_"That's what he called your hold over me. He was always saying shit like that. He was good to me, though."_

_"Until that day?"_

_"Even then...he was so kind in a weird way."_

_"But you said that he said bad things."_

I looked up into her confused eyes and nodded.

 _"He did...it was like he would say them sweetly. Like once...we were in bed...in his apartment, and we had just finished...you know..."_ I watched her take a deep breath and then nod with a small smile on her face. _"I don't have to tell you this stuff if it makes you uncomfortable,"_ I said as I pulled away a bit.

She pulled me against her again.

_"No. I want you to talk to me about this. I don't want you to hold anything back because of how it makes me feel. I want to know everything...please?"_

The look in her eyes was genuine, so I believed her.

 _"Are you sure?"_ I asked as I leaned into her warmth, feeling insanely cold still. Seeing me shiver, she pulled a second blanket around us and then kissed my temple.

_"Talk to me, B. It's good to get the poison out."_

I sighed and closed my eyes as I thought back to the story.

_"Anyway...we were in bed, and he says to me in the sweetest voice that...he could make me a real mother...that Izzy and Dani are your kids and I will never be their real mother. Just you can be that. He told me how the kids looked more like you and not much like me except their eyes. He told me that they would never love me as much as they loved you. He said it so sweet though...he was always sneaking in things like that...things that when I look back on them were really mean and hurtful."_

_"I bet."_

_"I know, though...I know now...that he was so wrong. I see the love that Izzy has for me when he looks at me, and Dani's eyes light up when I dance around with her. Mom told me that he was just trying to get me wrapped in his web...you know, like he was a mean spider."_

Ana nodded, then gave me a dozen kisses before smiling at me.

_"I'm sorry that you had to go through that, Britt Britt."_

_"Are you angry?"_

_"I don't know what I'm feeling at the moment. My head is everywhere. I just wish I had known about all this stuff...but I was out of touch, and then when you tried to talk to me that first time...I was so heartbroken that I couldn't see that you were trapped with this guy. I understand that so much...that was how it was with Marco...he had such a crazy hold over me...the difference, though, was that he was forceful and violent. It may have been easier for me because all that violence and all that pain kept me from falling completely for him...but Grady got under your skin deeper than Marco ever did with me. At least you didn't pick up any bad habits...like cocaine."_

I went pale as I looked at her and felt guilt surge in my chest. I tried to fix my face before she saw and change the subject all at once.

_"I'm sorry that I let him into my heart...it hurts so bad, and now...now I did something that I'm going to regret for the rest of my life."_

_"What bad habit did you pick up?"_ She raised her eyebrow, and I sucked in a deep breath. She'd definitely noticed.

 _"I've been smoking a lot."_ I said quietly.

_"Cigarettes? I didn't smell that on you."_

She pulled back and looked down at my hand, and brought my fingers to her nose. She wouldn't smell anything...I hadn't smoked since the night before with Finn while she had been cleaning the kitchen.

_"Not coke, it was weed."_

She looked at me and then just nodded.

_"That's where you have been when you slip off? You've been at Puck's, haven't you?"_

_"No...he's done with that now that he has Beth...no...I was with Finn."_

The look on her face told me that I had just set us back a whole hell of a lot.

_"Finn?"_

_"I know that it's stupid...it's just that I know Finn won't hurt me like Grady. He is way too afraid of you to even cross that line again."_

_"It's not about Finn...it's more about the fact that I'm here in Lima, with you, B...I have been, and I will continue to be. I don't want you to turn to drugs or any other stimulant that's going to have you spaced and dumb like that ogre."_

She was furious.

_"You've never had a problem with people smoking weed."_

_"I was young and stupid. You though...you dance for a living...you need your lungs...you need to be able to move and not be tripping all over yourself. You are just masking an even bigger issue. You have to deal with things, Britt Britt."_

_"Easy for you to say, Ana. You've had two years to deal with things...I don't get that kind of time. I always have to be on my game. I always have to be prepared for something to go wrong with you, the kids, and now the show. When do I get the chance to sit back and breathe?"_

_"Right now."_

I looked at her waiting for the next part of her sentence, but it never came. She stood from the bed and kicked off her shoes, and then slid off her shorts before climbing back in the bed and snuggling against my side.

_"Now?"_

_"Yes...this is God...making you relax...making me see that you need to be taken care of just as much as I do. Maybe more so. I'm here now, Britt Britt."_

_"Why?"_

_"Why not? I love you more than the stars in the sky, B. For you, I will always be around."_ She whispered against my face as she kissed my temple and then pulled my head to rest against her chest.

Sleep came fast after that.

How does she always know what I need?

* * *

When Ana cries...it's never quiet.

She sobs loudly, and when she sobs, her whole body shakes.

That's why when I woke up in the middle of the night with the bed empty beside me and saw that there was light streaming from underneath the bathroom door, I panicked.

She was trying to muffle her sobs, and most people wouldn't have heard them, but I know Ana's cries. She was breaking down really bad...how long had she been in there?

I went to move so that I could comfort her, but my body wouldn't cooperate. It was torture.

My body was too heavy, and I was way too weak to move, so instead, I was forced to lay there in the dark and listen to her crying just a few feet away.

She was trying so hard to be strong, but I guess I had overwhelmed her.

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the sound, but it seemed like the more that I tried to ignore it, the louder it got. I don't remember falling asleep, but she came back to bed at some point just before my body gave in.

 _"I love you, I love you, I love you."_ She whispered against my face and kissed me softly.

She had those after cry shudders that shake your whole body, but I didn't mind because she was there with me.

Even in sleep, I could feel her body against mine, gripping me to her.

Her heart pounded erratically as she held me.

She was trying so hard to be my backbone.

I wasn't going to let her think that she was failing at it...because this was probably the most loved that I ever felt when it came to her.

 _"I love you too, baby."_ I mumbled before falling deeper into sleep.

When I woke up a second time, just before dawn, Ana was out of bed again, but this time...I could see her standing out in the hallway just on the other side of the window.

It was still dark in the room, but she still kept glancing in at me as if she could see me clearly.

She talked to Dr. Ramirez, and it wasn't a good conversation from what I could see. Her whole body was shaking as she held a hand over her mouth and cried. I tried to stay awake until she got back to talk to her, but once again, I slipped back into sleep.

Being in a state of suspended sleep sucks big time.

I got to a point where my body was asleep, but I was still hyper-aware of Ana's every movement.

Was this what her coma was like?

She was holding onto me for dear life and mumbling things against my ear. I wasn't quite sure what she was saying, but I could tell from the choked sobs that she was distraught.

She wanted me to wake up, but she didn't want me not to rest.

She needed me.

I tried to push my eyes open, I tried to push my mind back to full consciousness, but it wasn't working.

Please God...help her.

I prayed hard just so that she wouldn't feel so upset.

Eventually, the tears stopped, and she fell into sleep, but it was restless because she kept moaning out in her sleep and squeezing me.

It didn't hurt.

I couldn't really feel anything, but I was almost certain that she would leave bruises somewhere.

But the reality of her being there with me, even if she was sad, was better than what waited for me in my dreams.

* * *

**(Flashback)**

* * *

**_"You're doing the right thing...Brittany. We can't raise this baby." Grady said as he rubbed my back and walked me into the waiting room of the clinic._ **

**_"Ana would help me...maybe I should talk to her first?" I said as I hesitated in the center of the room and looked up into his eyes._ **

**_"Damnit, Brittany...even now...you need to let her go! I met your precious Santana...she's nothing but a stuck up bitch! There's no way that she would raise this baby!"_ **

**_He had a hand on each side of my face and was whispering so close to me that I could feel little specks of spit hit my face._ **

**_"You don't know her like I do, Grady." I whined._ **

**_"She's a selfish bitch, Britt. She knows that you're pregnant...has she done anything to help you through it?"_ **

**_"She said if I needed anything-"_ **

**_"That's just something that people say!"_ **

**_"She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it."_ **

**_"Yeah, right!"_ **

**_"Look...I'm still going to do it, okay...just don't talk about her like that. I love her."_ **

**_"This is why I'm leaving you."_ **

**_"What?!" I shrieked._ **

**_People were looking at me, but I didn't care._ ** **_I put my hands to my nearly invisible baby bump. I felt that little flutter that Grady swore was in my imagination._ **

**_Bye baby...I'll miss you._ **

**_"I'm going to the military...I need to get away from you from this city. It's what my parents always wanted. I know that once you have this done...that you are going to get me kicked off the show...so I'm leaving on my own...just as soon as we take care of this."_ **

**_"This...is our baby...Grady. You said you'd make me a real mom. How could you lie to me?_ ** **_We can do this...I know it._ ** **_"_ ** **_I felt the tears soaking my cheeks as I looked up into his smiling face._ ** **_He always wore that same fucking smile!_ ** **_I was disgusted with him as I rubbed my little tummy._ **

**_"We can't...I know that you want to go off and raise my baby with that fucking dyke, and I won't allow it. So you either get rid of it, or I will do it for you." He growled lowly in my ear._ **

**_My heart dropped into my stomach...he couldn't be serious._ **

**_Could he really be so cold-hearted?_ **

**_This was a human life...I had to have some control over this...he would not choose for me._ ** **_It was my body._ **

**_He offered to go into the room with me, but I refused. I needed to do this on my own._ **

**_The room was cold and smelled like lemons._ **

**_I laid back on the table._ **

**_The woman looked at me with a sad face after the sonogram that I was required to watch._ **

**_I asked for a copy of the DVD._ **

**_My baby's last moments._ **

**_"You told the receptionist that you didn't want to be sedated. Are you sure?"_ **

**_"I'm positive."_ **

**_"You understand that it's going to be-"_ **

**_"Fuck...please...just numb me or something...but I cannot go to sleep...please!" I growled at her._ **

**_She nodded at me and then made me lie back on that cold table and put my feet up._ ** **_I closed my eyes as she worked down there to numb me just enough._ ** **_I will never forget the sound or the way my body immediately felt like it belonged to someone else._ ** **_It wasn't Ana's anymore...Grady had marked me for life._ **

**_I tried to get my mind to go somewhere else, but I was super aware of what was going on, even though I couldn't feel it._ **

**_What was I doing?_ **

**_Was it too late?_ **

**_Could I stop it?_ **

**_But it was over before I knew it, and afterward, I laid there on the table and felt the regret and guilt fill up my soul._ **

**_What was left of it...what had I done?_ **

**_Grady came into the room and helped me to get dressed again._ ** **_He ended up carrying me to the cab because I couldn't walk. After all, my_ ** **_legs were like jelly._ **

**_When we got back to the theater, Grady laid me down on the sofa bed._ **

**_He gave me my prescription paper and money to pay for them. I asked him to go for me, but he refused, so I purposely_ ** **_threw up on his shoes as he undressed me, but h_ ** **_e didn't get angry._ **

**_I was surprised._ **

**_"This is it...Brittany. From here on out...you and I are done. You did the right thing."_ **

**_"Then why do I feel so wrong?" I mumbled as I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes._ **

**_He never answered me...a few moments later, I heard the door closing, and I never saw him again._ **

* * *

I felt a coolness touch my face as I slowly woke up from the memory of the worst day of my life. I opened my eyes and was met with Ana's dark ones. She looked relieved when she looked at me.

_"You were screaming...you were crying. Are you okay, baby?"_

She called me baby.

I wasn't even thinking of what I had just been dreaming about...I was thinking of how right now, she was looking at me like she had initially, and she was even calling me baby. I was prepared to lie and tell her that I was okay, but I couldn't...I was too tired of games.

I had meant that.

 _"I dreamt..."_ My throat was raw...I began coughing, and in a matter of seconds, she had a straw in a cup and was putting it to my lips.

The cool water coated my throat, and I drank it down as fast as I could.

I was so thirsty.

She was giving me encouraging nods, and the smile didn't leave her face for a second.

_"Just take your time...okay?"_

I looked at her and could see that she wanted to talk to me, but she was holding back.

Suddenly I remembered her conversation outside of the room, and her mumbling cries just before I fell asleep again.

This day was already sucking, and I had just woken up.

Great.

At least I was with her.

She would make it better...right?

* * *

I laid my head back against the pillows and brushed wisps of hair from my face. I felt more energized than the day before. My body was actually cooperating with me today.

Even though I was still weak, I could at least shift myself into a sitting position as Ana adjusted the bed and my pillows.

 _"Are you hungry?"_ She asked as she adjusted her top and finger-combed her hair.

My stomach rumbled.

 _"Yeah."_ I'd gotten so used to being nauseous that it felt weird actually to want more than water.

_"Good, that's a great sign."_

She pulled over the table, which already had a food tray on it. When she pulled the lid off, I couldn't help but smile.

Pancakes.

Just what I wanted.

She had already cut them up for me.

 _"Thank you, baby."_ I said as I looked down at the food.

I raised a hand to pick up my fork, but I was shaking way too bad.

My stomach growled, so I forced myself to pick up the fork, but I dropped it before I could even pick up the food.

 _"Do you mind if I feed you?"_ she asked quietly.

 _"Really?"_ I said as I looked at her in shock.

She was always mocking those couples that fed each other, but here she was offering.

 _"Of course, baby. I don't want you to exhaust yourself...I don't mind."_ To prove it, she picked up the fork, swirled it in the syrup like I normally did, and then brought it to my lips with a hand cupped under the fork. _"Open up."_ she smiled and then opened her mouth to show me what to do.

This was what she did with Izzy.

It was the sweetest thing that she had ever done for me, and I loved her even more for it.

 _"Thank you."_ I said after I swallowed the first bite.

_"You're welcome, and before you ask, I ate already."_

_"Good, I don't feel so bad eating in front of you then."_

_"Less talking, more eating."_ She scolded and then made an airplane noise as she delivered the next forkful.

 _"Seriously?"_ I said, and her mocking look came back.

_"Hey, if we are going to do this, I'm going to give you the whole show."_

_"It'd be better if you were naked."_

She blushed and swallowed back a laugh.

_"I'll keep that in mind."_

* * *

After breakfast, Ana helped me to my feet and into the shower.

It was so familiar for us to be showering together, even though we hadn't been naked together since March. She lovingly bathed me, taking her time to caress me as she sang the entire time sweetly.

My strength was back enough to stand on my own, but it still took a lot out of me.

Ana was dressing me back in my normal clothes, which only could mean that we were leaving soon.

That made me happy.

I hated this hospital business...it smelled like the clinic and made me remember things that I had been trying to push to the back of my mind.

 _"Dr. Ramirez is going to come in and speak to you in a little while. Then she's going to check you out. After that, we can go home...hopefully."_ She smiled at me through the mirror as she brushed my hair.

_"Does it have anything to do with what you two were talking about in the hallway last night?"_

She froze and looked at me with a shocked expression and then cleared her throat.

_"You saw that?"_

_"So it does?"_ I asked as I tried to look into her eyes, but she wasn't looking back at me like before.

 _"It does."_ She said as she began to French braid my hair.

_"It's bad...that's why you were crying last night after the talk...right?"_

_"You were asleep. How do you know that?"_

She placed the brush down on the edge of the sink and then turned me around, so we were face to face. I could tell that she was trying to ease me into whatever bad news it was, and I couldn't bring myself to fight her on it. Especially since she'd taken such good care of me.

We brushed our teeth together, and afterward, she kissed me so sweetly that I felt like I could cry.

I hated that she was so fucking sad. I hated more that it was because of me.

 _"B, before the day gets...well...shitty...I wanted to know about this."_ She pointed between us and tried to grin at her, but her sadness was too heavy for a moment that she should be way happier than it was.

 _"You don't have to ask,"_ I whispered before she could get the question out.

 _"I don't want you to regret this...us."_ She mumbled as she looked into my eyes with all the vulnerability she hid from the rest of the world.

 _"Never. It's you...always and only you."_ I whispered before leaning the rest of the way and sealing the kiss.

The moment that she pressed her lips back and she wrapped her arms around my neck and gripped the back of my head.

I knew that it was bad. I knew that something in my life was about to change, and she was doing what she could to prepare me for it.

Except...even with all the amazingness of Santana Lopez...not even she could defeat all of my monsters.

No matter how hard she tried.

* * *

When I entered the room with Ana just behind me, there sat Dr. Ramirez on one of the chairs. Dr. Cabot was here too...all the way from New York. They were talking to my therapist...my Lima one.

This was definitely bad.

I looked back at Ana, and she slid her hand into mine.

_"I'm here, B...just remember that."_

_"Okay."_ I muttered as I sat at the end of the bed with Ana directly next to me.

Everything about that moment happened in slow motion. The way Ana placed a hand against my back and with the other, she held tight to my hand.

I ignored my therapist for the time being and looked straight at Dr. Ramirez.

_"Tell me."_

_"The tests indicate that..."_ She looked at Ana, Dr. Cabot, and then at my therapist before looking back at me. _"There was irreversible damage to your uterus caused by the infection being untreated for so long...you have scarring...you have what's called pelvic adhesions, and this has caused..."_ She took a deep breath and then looked at me. _"I'm afraid that you will no longer be able to conceive. We are recommending a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding and the pain."_

I looked at Ana...not really understanding.

 _"What is she talking about?"_ I whispered.

 _"You can't have babies anymore...Britt. Like ever."_ she said as she squeezed my hand.

There was a squealing noise in my ears. I was suddenly watching the situation from outside of myself. Even the screaming that came afterward didn't sound human.

My only reason...the only thing that got me through that horrible day, as I lay in a room surrounded by lemons on that cold table, was the hope that once we were back together that I could try to have a baby with Ana someday.

I'd frozen my eggs, and I knew she'd carry them if I asked, but I had wanted, more than anything, to carry our next child on my own. Ana held me as I cried against her, and when the doctor wanted to sedate me, she made them leave the room.

She was trying to hold me and be strong for me, but I was beyond any help that she could give me.

This was my fault.

I had done this to myself.

This was my punishment for going against a blessing that God had given me.

I would never forgive myself.

Ana helped me lay down in the bed, and then she climbed in behind me and held me as I cried.

She was whispering against my ear, but I didn't hear her.

All I could think about was the sound of vacuums and the sickly smell of lemons.

I was disgusted with myself.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Are we slow today?"_ I asked Z.

_"Yeah, Monday seems to be our slow day."_

_"Perfect, Britt needs to let out some stuff, and the fewer people around to witness it, the better. Can you clear out?"_

_"I can clear out the staff, pay them for the day. If you don't mind, though, I'd like to stick around."_

_"Sure, we should be there in about an hour or so."_

Britt had forced me to sit on the couch while she cleaned the entire apartment from top to bottom. I tried not to direct her about where I liked things because it wasn't about me.

 _"Did you check on the kids?"_ She asked as she came into the room with the vacuum.

_"B, you've been out of the hospital for like an hour, shouldn't you take it easy?"_

_"If I stay still, I'll think, and I don't want that."_ She said sniffling. The sadness was right there, on the edges. I knew that feeling of needing to stay busy just to survive.

_"Say less. I'll check on the kids. Are you almost done, though? I thought we could go over to the Rage Cage and maybe get a bunch of takeout before we go back to Mami's."_

_"I need a day, Ana. I can't see the kids yet. Not like this. We can do all of that except go to your mom's. Can we come back here?"_

_"Sure, baby."_

_"And I didn't hear you mention a meeting in all of that?"_

_"I will go tomorrow. I'm okay. The Rage Cage will be my meeting today and you, of course."_

She smirked and then shooed me out of the way.

_"Just because I'm not ready to see them doesn't mean I don't want to know how they are. Go to the room while I clean out here, please."_

_"Okay, okay, I'm going!"_

* * *

Britt was still pale, and her body still had a shake to it, but hours after leaving the hospital, she insisted on moving still.

It made me nervous.

This was how I acted before I spiraled. My spiral into not eating or being tempted with wine still didn't freak me out as much as her spiral was anger and violence. Her therapist had slipped me his card before we left the hospital. Still, I was worried about contacting him without her permission.

While she destroyed a stack of ceramic plates and a semi beautiful tea set, I instead texted her mom.

_**How is she?-Susan** _

_**Avoiding.-Santana** _

_**Does that still include her father and me?-Susan** _

_**I think so. We're at the Rage Cage. I'm hoping she'll exhaust herself into letting out her emotions.-Santana** _

_**Do you mind if we go to the apartment and make her dinner, we can be gone before you get back? I just want her to know we are here when she's ready for some Mama smothering.-Susan** _

_**Yes! Rob has the key. She needs an iron-rich diet.-Santana** _

_**Got it, we'll head over now. How long will you be out?-Susan** _

_**She's almost done, Gonna take her to a meeting with me. She needs some kind of therapy. We are going to get some junk food. So two hours or so.-Santana** _

_"Are you going to join in, or am I supposed to just do this alone?"_ Britt said to me, holding out an empty beer bottle. _"It's too quiet. You should put music on in this place."_

_"Good idea, I'll tell Z."_

_"People should be able to pick their music too. Like what if I want to smash things to smooth jazz one day and like Paramore the next?"_

_"Good point. I was just-"_ I began, but she held up her hand.

_"I don't care, just come break stuff with me. Please?"_

Britt was in rare form, sure she was the obvious top in our relationship, but I had always been the more assertive one. I needed to throw out the whole book of expectations that I had of Britt because she had definitely changed.

I put a playlist on that was all rock. Britt grinned.

Once I was next to her, she handed me goggles and then slid the half-empty crate towards me.

At first, I just threw a bottle to make her happy. Still, then, I started thinking of how Grady had used and manipulated her, how she was losing all the best parts of herself while I was away trying to get better.

I let loose, and she kept bouncing up and down next to me, clapping her hands.

Before I knew it, I was reaching into an empty crate.

 _"I guess that's it. Do you want more?"_ I said, and she nodded.

_"Nah. I'm tired. You were hurting too, I think you needed that. How do you feel?"_

_"Good. Check the time for me?"_ I asked her and looked at her phone, her face got sad for a split second, but then she put it back in her pocket and tried smiling again.

_"5:45."_

_"Mind hitting up a meeting with me?"_ I asked her, and she just nodded.

_"I don't mind, let's go."_

* * *

The meeting hadn't started yet when we got there. People were milling around, having coffee, and chatting.

Walker was standing off to the side with Heather, looking worse than the day before. I could sense that she was going through a spiral of her own.

 _"Your new friend is here."_ I said to Britt, and she perked up.

 _"Why does Walker look sad?"_ She whispered to me as we walked towards them.

_"I told you, Heather filed for divorce but then showed up to try and work things out."_

_"Oh. I forgot. So do we not like her?"_

_"I have no opinion of her. What I do know is that Walker looks like she's in pain."_

_"Yeah, me too."_ Britt muttered. _"Don't tell her about me, okay? I'm not ready to make other people feel better about the worst thing in my life."_

I stopped midstride and turned her towards me, our eyes meeting.

_"B, I haven't even told my mom or yours. This is your story to tell. Your time, not theirs, or mine."_

_"Yeah? You mean that?"_

_"With my whole heart, B."_

She pulled me into a hug, and we rocked there for a second before she pulled away and showed me the biggest grin.

_"You're the best, baby. I'm so proud of you."_

I kissed her and then wiped my lipstick from her lips.

It was easy to forget where we were and who was watching when I gave into just focusing on my wife. Everything else seemed to fade, so when the leader clapped her hands loudly to commence the meeting, I flinched.

I pulled Britt to my usual seat and smirked when I saw Walker doing the same thing.

But then Heather was sitting next to me, and Walker was on her other side.

I tried to let it roll off my shoulders. Still, it was annoying, she was annoying for that, and while I had no room to judge anyone else's marriage, I was hella pissed that my usually self-assured friend looked like a punished child.

When it was time for people to talk, I saw Heather nudge Walker as if she hadn't spoken a bunch of times.

 _"You're staring."_ Britt whispered in my ear, and I looked away.

Walker talked about her years of sobriety and how well she was doing with everything. Then my heart clenched when she said that she had gone to a bar yesterday after the meeting, how she ordered a drink but then she thought of Charlie, her wife, and her friends.

She gave Heather credit for convincing her to come, and I fought the urge to roll my eyes.

It was no surprise to me that at the end, Walker and Heather waved at us before leaving.

And when I went to call after her, Britt gripped my chin and turned my face until I looked up into her eyes.

_"You can't save everyone. She's an adult, and if she needs you, she'll tell you."_

_"I know."_

_"I'm hungry. Wanna grab Breadstix?"_

_"How about just junk food? We can order when we get home if we decide we are hungry."_ I said.

_"Sounds good."_

Walker's whole situation made me anxious, but Britt was right. I couldn't save everyone. What do they always say on planes, put on your own mask before helping others? That was what I needed to do.

* * *

Britt held it together for way longer than I would have.

Coming home to flowers and dinner waiting for us from her parents made her turn pink.

Our junk food, movie marathon made her cuddly.

But the dark of midnight had her letting out everything that she'd been holding in.

I had just fallen asleep when she gripped me so tight that I squealed.

 _"I fucked up."_ She said when I turned around to look at her. I wiped at her tears, but she pushed my hand away. _"I was so depressed after that I stopped eating, sleeping, and I didn't take the antibiotics. I don't think the clinic was a good one, Dr. Ramirez said that I was torn down there."_

_"We can sue them."_

_"I don't even know where it was. I just...I should have done something. I could have gone to Dr. Cabot. She took such good care of you. How could I be so stupid?"_

_"Stop it, you're a genius, B."_

_"I'm not."_

_"You are. Do you know how smart it is to freeze your eggs at 20? I can carry all the babies that you want."_

_"You hate being pregnant."_

_"I don't care."_

_"Well, I do. I want them to be happy babies."_

_"Uh, hello, have you met our kids?"_

Britt was still crying, but she nodded.

_"I miss them."_

_"We can go get them."_

_"I don't deserve them."_

_"Bullshit."_

_"I don't deserve you."_

_"Does anyone deserve anyone? We are all flawed. I won't let you beat yourself up over this. I want to carry your babies, B. I want you to have a piece of you inside of me!"_

_"Wanky."_ She said, a delirious laugh breaking through.

_"But it has to be when we both decide. You aren't ready. You need to heal. We need to be more stable."_

_"Okay."_

_"I love you, B."_

_"Still?"_

_"Still, always."_ I kissed her damp, salty face over and over until she giggled again.

She was still endlessly sad, but I held her through it.

And I would continue to do so for however long it took.


	15. Keep Your Eyes Open (NEEDTOBREATHE)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt's legs curled around mine as I sat in bed and wrote out the song that had suddenly come to me. She was finally asleep, mumbling unintelligible words, and whimpering.

Every time she cried out, I would touch her arm, and she'd relax.

It felt like I was sitting vigil while I wrote down the song that had come to me in my brief sleep.

The same line kept replaying in my mind, and I knew that I needed to write it down.

**_Let me be your steps, let me be your truth, let me be the one you call when you can hardly make it through..._ **

**_The pain_ **

**_The hurt_ **

**_The hysteria_ **

**_And the fear_ **

**_Let me show you all the ways that I can catch your tears_ **

I didn't have a melody yet...just those words plaguing me.

 _"Baby?"_ Britt muttered, and I looked over at her. She looked so pale in the moonlight.

 _"Yes, my love?"_ I brushed the hair from her face and leaned in, kissing her face. Her skin was burning up. I pressed my face against her forehead again. She was nearly scalding. _"Christ, you definitely have a fever."_

_"I'm cold...and everything hurts."_

I threw my journal to the side and rooted around in my nightstand for the thermometer. I traced it across her forehead and then waited for the reading.

_"103. I'm calling Dr. Ramirez."_

* * *

Getting Britt down to the car and wrapped in my robe, and wearing my slippers, was probably the hardest part. She was slow-moving, sweaty, and leaning on me.

_"I th-think I overdid it yes-yesterday."_

_"Me too. Just take your time. Dr. Ramirez will be waiting for us."_

_"Okay."_

Once I got her strapped in, I texted her mom.

**_Taking B back to the hospital. I'll keep you updated.-Santana_ **

This time, Dr. Ramirez moved much faster. She got Britt through triage and into a room within the span of 30 minutes. I sat by her side as she lay underneath three heated blankets.

When they came to take her to get tests done, she began to cry.

 _"I need her w-with me! Please!"_ She begged.

Dr. Ramirez shook her head.

_"I'm sorry, Brittany, Santana has to stay here. She'll be here when we get back, won't you, Santana?"_

_"I'll be right here, B. I promise Dr. Ramirez will be with you."_

_"I sure will be."_

Britt held her arms open for me. I fell into them, kissing her face a million times before she finally let out a breathy sigh.

_"Okay, I'm ready."_

I fell asleep on the couch, wrapped in my robe that smelled like Britt.

When I woke up again, it wasn't to Britt being back in the room. It was to Susan hovering over Britt's empty bed crying.

I jerked up, freaked out that I had missed something.

 _"What's going on?"_ I had fallen asleep when it was dark out. Now it was clear from the hustle and bustle in the hall, the bright sun in coming into the room, and my body feeling rested that showed me that I had been asleep for way longer than I had hoped.

When Susan turned to me, her face red and swollen, she gave me a sad smile.

 _"Oh, Santana."_ She said, and then she was wrapping me in a hug.

 _"You're freaking me out...where's B?"_ Surely she should have been back by now.

_"She wanted to wait for you to wake up, but...her body...she couldn't wait any longer."_

_"Where is she?"_

_"They rushed her to emergency surgery, the adhesions were close to rupturing...you saved her life by bringing her straight here."_ She hugged me again, this time tighter as she rocked me.

 _"Are they...is she...um...you know?"_ I was at a loss for words.

_"The hysterectomy, yes."_

_"Oh, God. Why didn't you wake me up?"_ I snapped.

_"She insisted that we don't. I couldn't argue."_

_"How long has she been gone?"_

_"Twenty minutes. She wanted you to go check on the kids and said that you need to go to a meeting."_

I nodded. Britt knew me well. I needed to be occupied. Otherwise, I would pace this room until she was out of recovery. I'd make myself sick over things, and that was the last thing that I needed to be doing.

* * *

When I got to the house, Mami was at the table with Pa, and my sweet babies were sitting in matching high chairs.

 _"Babies!"_ I shrieked, and Isaac's face lit up. He was so surprised.

_"MAMI!"_

Seeing them made everything hurt a little less and a little more at the same time.

I hoped to God that this surgery didn't make Britt pull away from the kids anymore than she already had.

Mami was glaring at me as I unstrapped Daniela first from her high chair, then balanced her on my hip, and then I picked up Isaac and put him on my other hip. They hugged me, and I dropped kisses on their little heads.

_"Really, Nanita, you couldn't let them eat?"_

_"I need to get back to Brittany. I just needed to see them. Did you talk to Susan?"_ I asked, and she nodded.

_"I did. She already asked me if I would sit down with Brittany when she's ready since I went through this in my 20s too."_

_"Right."_ I kissed the kids more and then danced around with them.

 _"Santana, don't spin them or-"_ Before she could finish, Isaac was throwing up down the front of my shirt. Then in typical fashion, he got embarrassed, threw his head back, and began to bellow.

_"Crap."_

At the same time, my phone was ringing, and I just knew it was Susan.

 _"Answer your phone, it's fine. Hand him here."_ Mami took Isaac from me. I put Daniela back in her chair and then kissed her face. It was amazing to see how quickly Mami had gotten my son to calm down. She was magic.

I rushed upstairs to find something in my dresser, but everything was packed in boxes and covered in dust covers when I got to my room.

Then I went to the guest room, which was thankfully not emptied out yet. I found one of Britt's old shirts and sniffed it.

Home.

That's what she smelled like still.

Our home in New York, and for the first time, I felt homesick for the city.

We'd have to go back after Britt was feeling better. It was time to take my life off of pause.

I cleaned up in the bathroom before pulling Britt's old Cheerio shirt over my head. Then I remembered she'd gone to the hospital in a robe, so I scrounged around the drawers until I was able to piece together an outfit for her too.

My phone buzzed again. I pulled it from my pocket expected it to be Susan, but not even the missed call was from Susan. Both were from Quinn.

 _"Yo."_ I said as I fixed my hair in the mirror.

_"Hey, do you have a minute?"_

_"Of course, I've been meaning to call you after leaving you hanging on Sunday."_

_"You've been busy, really, it's no big deal."_

_"What's up?"_

_"Are you keeping the house in midtown? Rob mentioned to me that you were giving it to your mom, is that right?"_

_"It's Isaac's house. So it will always kinda be mine until he's old enough to take it over. Mami is moving in, and I plan to move out. Why?"_

_"I know you gave me a scholarship, and I'm grateful. I won't ask you for more money, but I do need an address. I applied for an internship for next semester, and I need New York residence and dorms don't count."_

_"Okay, that's fine...you can always use my address, Q."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Of course, you know it's nothing but a word when it comes to you."_

_"Aww, thanks!"_

_"Anytime. Are we good?"_

_"Are you?"_

_"No, I spent all night in the hospital with B. She's in surgery, and I'm at Mami's checking in on the kids."_

_"Shit, is she...you know?"_ I hesitated, not remembering having a conversation with her about Britt's condition, at least not something as serious as a hysterectomy, but she seemed to know.

_"Wait...how did you know about this?"_

_"Britt called me last night while you were in the shower and told me everything. She asked for advice on how to talk you into not talking her out of it."_

_"I wouldn't-"_ I stopped because that's not true. I would have wanted her to find a way, some alternative therapy.

_"You would. How did she get around you?"_

_"She waited until I was asleep."_

_"That's fucked up...unless...did something happen?"_

_"She woke up with a high fever, I took her in, and things were worse than when she left the hospital the first time."_

_"Wow."_

_"Susan says she was starting to hemorrhage. It was a split decision, and they didn't wake me for it, but you know, I'm kind of relieved. Britt's gonna get down on herself, and if I had helped her make this decision, she would have blamed me."_

_"I hate to say it, but you're right."_

_"But what's done is done. It was necessary. She could have died if I didn't take her in if I hadn't moved so fast. I think the fact that she already has her frozen eggs made it easier. She decided that this was the better option. She knows that she has my full support."_

_"Did you offer womb?"_

_"Of course, I did."_

_"What if you break up, San?"_

_"I don't care. I'd do this for her, for you, shit, I'd even do it for Sue, if she asked. Even though her eggs are definitely dusty by now."_

We both laughed, and it felt good to just joke with Q. I'd squandered that chance to hang out with her when she was here.

_"So, have you started looking at places here?"_

_"No, but I definitely would do things differently. Like, Marco had the right idea about a penthouse. When I was learning to walk again, the steps were just a nuisance."_

_"That would be amazing. You deserve to live somewhere fancy."_

_"I couldn't agree more."_ My phone beeped just then. I pulled it away from my face and saw Susan's name. _"Q, I gotta go, it's Susan."_

_"Okay, give my love to B!"_

_"You got it."_

* * *

_"Hi, Mom, how is she?"_

_"There was a complication in the surgery. The infection was worse than we thought. They just came to give us an update. It will be another hour at least."_

_"Oh wow. Did they do it already?"_

I couldn't bring myself to say the word hysterectomy even though that's exactly what this was, whether I liked it or not.

_"They tried to do it with the lasers, but because of the complication with the adhesions and fibroids, they had to do it vaginally."_

_"Shit...uh...I'm going to go to a meeting. I can go to your house after and get you a change of clothes, maybe feed Tubs?"_

_"Oh yes! That would be great. Rob and I are in our work clothes, we thought we check in today and then go to work, but then things got bigger than any of us."_

_"Whatever you need, Mom. I've got you."_

_"AFTER your meeting, can you grab a few things? I'll text you a list. Feed tubs too. You don't need to change his litter. Rob always does that. Go into Britt's closet and grab her Mr. Fluffington McQuakers. Court gave it to her, and anytime Britt's been sick, she's cuddled it. She needs it today."_

_"I haven't seen that duck in ages."_

_"She put him away when you started getting serious. She thought she was too old."_

_"Well, she's not. Send me the list. I'm going to grab the stuff first, then go to my meeting. That way, I can grab you coffee and food from the Lima Bean. It's closer to the hospital than your house."_

_"Okay, just as long as you go to a meeting."_

_"You got it."_

I shoved a change of clothes into the duffel bag, along with Britt's comfy breakfast shirt and some slipper socks, before heading back downstairs.

Mami met me at the bottom of the stairs.

_"You're leaving?"_

_"I am. Britt's still in surgery, and I'd like to be there when she wakes up. I need to get to Susan's to get some stuff, and then I'm heading back to the hospital."_

_"No meeting?"_

_"Right, meeting after Susan's...then the hospital. She insisted too. I really appreciate the accountability."_ I said, meaning it more than I thought I would.

_"We all want your success, mi'ja, which is why I think it would be best if you brought Brittany back here to heal surrounded by her family. Susan and Rob should stay as well."_

_"Why here, though?"_

_"Steps. There are two sets to get to her parents' front door, and there is that long flight to get to your apartment. If everyone stays here, then they can help with the kids and Brittany. It will give you breathing room to focus on recovery and being a good mom."_

_"Really? You'd do that for me? You're supposed to be gearing up to move. I saw you boxed up my room."_

_"We will get a bed set up in the den for Brittany. You can sleep on the pull-out, wouldn't want you to accidentally kick her in your sleep. I can put Rob and Susan in the guest room, and my nietos can continue to stay in my bedroom."_

_"Is Pa going to be okay with that?"_

_"I don't care, this isn't his house, it's ours...yours and mine. You are gracious enough to give up your amazing house in the city. The least he can do is to help me host our extended family for a few weeks."_

_"I'll talk to them, I can't force them like you could, but I'll insist...are you hoping they'll help pack up...you can tell me?"_

She shrugged with a guilty amused look on her face, _"If the extra hands just so happen to help pack up the rest of this mini-mansion that was always too big for the three of us, who am I to argue?"_

_"Oh, Mami, never change."_

I threw my arm around her and planted a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

With one last kissing session with my preoccupied babies, I rushed out of the house, wishing that I could just lay on the floor with them and watch cartoons.

I promised myself that Britt and I would do a better job putting the kids first no matter what happened next.

They were growing fast, and I felt like I was missing things.

But I had to accept help while I still could, especially now.

This was how I managed my expectations by creating reasonable guides to control and prepare for the unpredictable stuff like Britt coming back from New York in terrible health and needing to nurse her back to health.

At a different time in my life, I would be snorting a brick of coke right now, but I didn't have time for that foolishness.

I had more important shit to do.

* * *

The Pierce house usually smelled like baked goods. No matter what time of day it was, the place smelled like a bakery. I learned early on that Susan and Rob baked when they were stressed.

That day though, it smelled like rotten trash and stale bread.

I caught Tubbs in mid yowl when I stepped into the kitchen.

There was food left on the counters, and the trash smelled to the high heavens.

Obviously, they had attempted to make breakfast but then left out all of the food, and they hadn't gotten around to taking out the trash.

Or maybe they were nose blind?

So, even though Susan would be annoyed that I was touching shit in her kitchen, a pet peeve of hers, I cleaned up. I even took out the trash before heading upstairs to rifle through drawers and get the duck.

Tubbs followed me, meowing the whole way, but I knew that I had to feed him last because if history proved true, he'd rush through the bowl and beg for more before I left. Britt had never caught onto his game, which was why he was super fat.

I, however, was slicker than him. So, I ignored him while I grabbed everything off of Susan's list.

My eyes were watering, and I kept sneezing. My allergies were extra aggravated with the cat following me around and rubbing against my legs.

It was my love for Britt that kept this cat alive because my first instinct was to high kick his fat ass out of a window.

Knowing him, though, he'd bounce on all that blubber and live.

I ended up gathering the final stuff with my shirt pulled up over my nose, but it was too late. The cat had gotten to me.

Deep down, I knew that I should have waited to get to the hospital so I could just bug Dr. Ramirez, or I could have stopped back at Mami's. Instead, I went rifling through the medicine cabinet looking for an allergy pill.

All that was there were painkillers...the kind I have crushed up and snorted.

Immediately, I closed the door and just stole some tissue to blow my nose.

This would not be how I held it together.

Tubbs yowled really loud and threw himself against my feet. It was a good enough distraction to get me out of that bathroom and down the stairs, far away from the drugs that would make me feel momentarily on top of the world.

When I lived there, those drugs hadn't been out in the open but now that I was gone...not even a full week later, they were out, exposed.

Susan hadn't thought it through when she let me be here alone...or maybe she did, and that's why she wanted me to go to the meeting first.

There was no skipping that now. The very urge had scared me. I had worked too hard to give in.

As I made my way into the kitchen, Tubbs sounded more and more like he was in pain.

_"What a drama queen."_

He glared at me.

Finally, just before I left, I filled up Tubbs' bowls. I was itching to go back upstairs, but instead, I forced myself to leave.

Cleaning had set me back so that I had missed half of a meeting by the time I actually made it to the church. I didn't have the luxury of waiting three hours for the next one, so even though it was frowned upon, I went to the meeting anyway.

* * *

Walker hadn't been at the meeting, which wasn't unusual, but I hoped that she would be.

I was worried about her, after just a few interactions with Heather, I was not a fan. Walker was this kick-ass, take no shit type of woman, and I admired the fuck out of her.

To see someone come in and make her feel less than, was so fucking shitty.

She was a great businesswoman and an amazing mom. Charlie was always taken care of. She was honest with him about everything, which meant that he wasn't afraid to tell her things.

I hoped that I could be that way with my kids.

The meeting, though, was about me and my recovery. Even though I only got to sit there for 30 minutes, I felt calmer and more focused than ever.

I had so many things that I needed to tackle, a new home in New York, my businesses here, my recovery, and most importantly, my kids. Even though that might seem daunting, I felt assured in the fact that I could handle it.

Each day that I was sober was another day to live my life to the fullest.

Walker had taught me that.

Doc had taught me that.

And CiCi wasn't so bad either, even if she had become busier since she started school back up.

I sat in my car, checking off my list of stuff, when another text came in.

**_She's almost out of OR. They had to cut her open. Once they are done closing her up, another hour before she comes back to the room. How are things?-Susan_ **

**_Got stuff from the house. Fed cat. Just finished meeting. Going to Lima Bean, want anything?-Santana_ **

**_Coffee!-Susan_ **

**_Send your orders, I'll go now then come to you.-Santana_ **

**_You're a saint!-Susan_ **

**_I love you, send your orders-Santana_ **

* * *

With my eyes trained on my phone, I stood in line at the Lima Bean and scrolled through socials.

But then I heard a commotion coming from the back.

_"No, don't you dare come into MY establishment and act that way. I don't care who you are. This one is mine alone. That was the deal after Emmy left!"_

It was a weekday afternoon before school let out, so there were only two people ahead of me in line and no one behind me.

Walker would never want to make her customers uncomfortable, but from the looks of it, she didn't have a choice.

The commotion had died down, but then I heard Walker again, _"I'm still sober! How could you listen to her over me? Pop, say something!"_

I got to the front, and Dave stood there looking anxious.

 _"Hey."_ I said. _"All good?"_

When he saw it was me, he looked relieved.

_"We don't like each other most of the time, but you're her friend, and she's a damn good boss. Her family came in here, accusing her of all sorts of stuff and ordering me around. I'm just trying to do my job."_

_"I know. I've never heard her this upset."_

_"Me either. I've shut that door twice, but her wife keeps opening it."_

_"You still the manager?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"I think you need to close until that dies down."_

He hesitated and then gave me the keys.

_"Flip the sign. Lock the door while I close up the seating area."_

I nodded and watched as he put a partition across the empty seating area, then handed a coupon to each of the people who looked annoyed that they'd have to find another place to write their fanfiction.

Once they left, I locked the door and flipped the sign before handing Dave the keys.

I slid my phone towards him, _"Can you make these orders and my usual while I go see if I can diffuse this?"_

 _"Sure."_ He copied down the orders and slid my phone back.

_"Thanks."_

_"You're okay, Lopez."_

_"I know."_

* * *

They were having a tense conversation when I walked into the office. Walker was standing behind her desk, against the wall, looking a mess. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her nose was red.

 _"Hey...you good?"_ I asked, ignoring the other three people in the room.

I expected her to scold me for interrupting or ask me to leave her office, but instead, I could see an idea forming.

 _"You got my message, I see."_ I resisted the urge to check my phone. _"Are you here to agree to terms?"_

Being a student of Sue's brand of doublespeak had taught me to just go with whatever a conversation was, which helped me roll with Walker's line of questioning.

_"Possibly, should I come back another time?"_

She looked to Heather and said, coldly, _"You need to leave so we can discuss business."_

 _"With your mistress?"_ Heather said, and I rolled my eyes.

Walker looked at her sister and father, _"She is not my mistress. I can clue you in on the logistics, but I refuse to discuss it in front of the woman divorcing me. I am aware that she has convinced you that I am drinking again and somehow squandering our money. I've shown you the books, and as you can see, I'm sober. Talk to her, P. She's your friend."_

 _"My friend that you married, Walker."_ Her sister sounded annoyed, but then she turned towards Heather, _"Can you give us a minute? We can't get to the bottom of this if you're here to distract her."_ Heather deflated, feeling like she had an ally.

_"Okay, I'm trusting you, Parker, don't let her mistress box me out."_

_"Of course not. Go...I've got this."_

They talked as if Walker wasn't standing right there, and the dad was no help, but Parker got Heather to leave, nonetheless.

Once Heather was gone, the mood shifted as Parker broke into a smile.

_"I have to admit that when Heather came to us and complained about you drinking away the Lima Bean and that you had a mistress, I thought things were like they used to be."_

_"And now?"_

_"You're just as sober as you have been since I was still in high school. If you had just said it was Santana Lopez, I would have known from the jump that she wasn't your mistress."_

_"Wait, do I know you?"_ I cut in, and Parker shook her head.

_"No, but I know you. I clerked for your mom straight out of law school, and I was frenemies with Frannie Fabray up until she left for California and became a baby factory."_

_"Ha!"_ I cackled, _"Quinn's going to get a kick out of that."_

_"That being said, what's this about terms?"_

_"After Emerson gave up her share of the Beans and we opened up the shop in Sidney, our profits have doubled. With my divorce pending, anything that I own is half Heather's. You have been asking me to offload the business since your practice took off. Santana is going into property management. I was thinking of selling the franchise to her for 2.5 million, which is our current worth, dollar for dollar."_

_"That's not an even breakdown. We agreed that if we sold, Emmy still gets an equal share."_ Then Parker was looking at me. _"Would you be willing to pay 3?"_

I shrugged, I had money sitting, disposable after creating a trust for Tor. With the profits from my businesses this last month, I had money to spend.

 _"On two conditions."_ They were all looking at me with rapt attention. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out, and Walker let out a huff about it. _"Britt's in the hospital, she's just out of surgery, so I have to make this quick."_ I muttered.

When I looked back up at them, they all seemed to be understanding.

_"Tell us the conditions so that Parker can write up a quick terms agreement for us to sign."_

_"Okay, my two conditions, Walker stays on to manage the company and provide oversight, since I plan to move back to New York by the end of the year. Second, Walker takes part of her share and puts it in a trust for Charlie immediately so that he is taken care of in all of this. If you can agree to that, I'll have Sal draw up the papers, and we can close on this by the end of the week."_

_"I think that's fair."_ Parker said to Walker. _"Although, we do have an Ohio trademark on the Bean name...the Kidney bean being the exception, I couldn't bring myself to sue them. We'll retain that."_ She smirked. _"What do you think, sis?"_

_"It works for me, P, write it up so she can sign."_

Parker looked to their dad, and he looked at me with a shine in his eyes.

 _"Pop, are you okay?"_ Parker asked.

_"I am. I mentored her father when he was a resident. He talked about his daughters constantly. The one he was most proud of was his baby girl, Santana. It's good to know that our family company is going to be in good hands."_

_"You knew my father?"_

_"I did, very well. It broke my heart when he passed. We'd spoken the week before. He told me you had your struggles and how the two of you had reconciled. He loved you fiercely, and I hope that you know that Aden would be incredibly proud of his baby girl."_

_"I hope so."_

* * *

Dr. Bean stood up and held his arms open.

_"Mind if I hug you?"_

Something told me that he needed the hug more than I did, and even though we had just met, when he hugged me, I felt like I was hugging my father.

I pulled away before I could tear up.

 _"Thank you, Dr. Bean."_ I said, and he grinned.

_"Anytime."_

Parker wrote up a simple agreement, then made three copies that we all signed. She said she'd draw up an official contract and send it over to Sal for me to sign.

When all was said and done, I felt like God had put me right where I needed to be that day. Just an hour before, I had been staring down pills that could end my sobriety. Now I was gratefully sober and more established in my endeavors.

Taking over Walker's company at a steal because I was sure it was worth more was genius, especially since she'd still get a salary.

Her father and sister left us to talk, I stood across from her, and she grinned.

_"Just so you know, I still plan to be the boss."_

_"I won't overstep, Walker. I trust you to handle things here. You'll have Rob for support, and Sal is on retainer."_

_"Thanks for doing this and for trusting me when I threw you in the deep end just now."_

_"I nearly slipped today, I fought it, I went to a meeting, and then I came here. None of this feels random. I went with my gut. I trust you not to steer me wrong."_

_"You trust me?"_

_"Of course, I do. I have faith in you. I know that you want to spend more time with Charlie. Make sure you do that and send Rob on the road. He needs to be busy, and now, with his only remaining child in the hospital, he's going to need the distraction."_

_"Is she okay?"_

_"No, and I wish I had more time to process this with you and for you to process your shit with me, but I need to get back."_

_"I understand. Go, take care of her and yourself."_

_"I will. You do the same."_

We fist-bumped, and then I grabbed my coffee from Karofsky and handed him a 100 bill for his troubles.

_"Seriously?"_

_"You deserve it. Life is too short, Dave. It's time for us to grow up and move on."_

_"It is."_

_"By the way, I'm your boss now."_ I winked, and he went pale.

 _"Seriously?"_ He said.

 _"Well, soon enough...don't worry, I take care of my workers."_ I said, and he grinned.

 _"So Z says."_ He put out a hand for me to shake, and I shook it. _"I look forward to doing business with you."_

 _"I look forward to chatting about the requirements of management positions."_ He looked nervous. _"Relax, I believe in leaving things and people better than I found them. I owe you that, after...high school. Even if you were a dick to Ian."_

My phone buzzed, and I left my conversation with Dave where it was. There was nothing more to say.

I saw the Beans family huddled up with Heather, talking her down from rage, and I rolled my eyes as I answered my phone.

 _"I'm on my way!"_ I said to Susan.

_"Good because she's back, and she's awake asking for you. I told her you went to check on the kids...just drive safely."_

_"I will."_

* * *

Surprisingly, as I drove the half-mile to the hospital, I didn't feel anxious. I felt settled and calm.

Britt needed me more than ever, and I knew that I needed her to need me.

Our life hadn't been easy thus far, but I knew that if I took the reins for a while and let her feel like she had permission to break, we could be better.

I had to be strong for her mentally, emotionally, and financially.

The move I had just made in purchasing the Beans assured me that my shit was together enough to help her.

I wasn't craving anything anymore. I felt hyper-focused and knew that as long as I continued my routines, I'd be able to take care of business. I wasn't unsure of my place in her life and her place in mine.

Even if she was.

It's amazing how things will come along and open your eyes.

Our whole relationship had been a series of games and maneuvers to try and control the other person.

We had lost the ability to just love each other so long ago that we were just going through the motions at this point.

That was going to change.

It had to.

We had suddenly been completely thrust into adulthood, and for the first time, I felt like I was up for the challenge.

* * *

**Ten Days Later**

* * *

Britt woke up without me. By the time I got there, she was in a rage.

It was so bad that she didn't want to see me and begged Dr. Ramirez to kick me out of the hospital.

The good feelings that I had from all I had accomplished in a few short hours had been ruined by her outbursts.

Still, I kept my chin up and took Susan to the side, and we agreed to monitor her closely. We thought it was okay until she tried to rip her stomach open. She wouldn't see me or even talk to me on the phone. The doctors agreed that she was a danger to herself, and with her history, they were afraid for the patients.

I didn't want to put her on a psych hold, but I knew that she needed it, so I did what I had to do.

And I accepted the fact that she would hate me more.

For days, I was absent from the kids even though I was with them. I distracted myself with meetings to close the sale of the Beans, video games with Charlie and Tor, runs with Sue and the kids...and of course, packing up Mami's house.

I don't think I slept for the first four days, the psych hold calmed her, and she started asking for me on day six.

Only, she wasn't herself.

Six days after her surgery, when the stitches were finally beginning to heal, she began to make little jokes about dying. She'd been saying those things in front of me only, knowing how much those words would hurt her parents.

Then she slipped up, taking a pen and digging it across her wrist. She barely cracked the skin since she was still weak, but it was enough to put her on suicide watch, and she got a set of padded cuffs to keep her from doing any more damage.

By day nine, she seemed calmer. Her new medication had started to actually work for her.

I thought we were in the clear.

So, I began talking to Dr. Ramirez about discharging her to my care.

Nobody wanted to believe me that I could get her back to herself. They said it so much that I started to doubt myself.

My only option was to see for myself if she was ready to leave.

* * *

_"You're starting to look better. How do you feel?"_

_"Empty."_ She said as I brushed her hair. It was the first time I had seen her sitting up in a wheelchair instead of being cuffed to her bed.

I brushed quietly while she watched the Price is Right. She was crazy good at numbers and guessing the price of things.

She said this was her Jeopardy. I couldn't agree more.

 _"Do you still feel like dying?"_ I asked.

_"Yes...no. I need a reason to live, I guess."_

_"The play. Your kids. Your parents. Tubbs. Me."_ I said.

_"You guys are great, and the play barely needs me, the dances are done, but I need something more. A purpose."_

_"That's always been dancing, B. Has that changed?"_

_"I don't know. I just, life feels like hell in here. This is no way to be...I need air."_

_"They won't let you out if you're suicidal, B. I won't let you out."_

_"Why are you even here? You could go off and have a better life without me. My brain is always going to be angry. The pills just help me deal with it. I am stupid, I do stupid things, and I have tried to kill you more than once. You deserve better."_

_"I deserve you."_

_"No."_

_"Yes."_ I leaned over and picked up her left hand, tracing over the tattoo _. "We're married for life, B. I have my own shit, but I'm prepared to help you with yours just like you've helped me with mine."_

_"You can't buy your way out of my mental disorders."_

_"And I can't buy my way out of addiction either...what's your point, B? There is nothing you can say or do to make me leave you...even if we are apart, we are together."_

_"I deserve to be punished for what I've done."_

_"Haven't you heard, I am your punishment."_

She turned in her chair and looked at me, a spark in her eyes.

_"You're too good of a punishment."_

_"You say that now, don't worry, I'll find a way to fuck up again."_ Horror took over her face, and I laughed. _"Not like that. I was thinking something smaller than drugs...you know, like accidentally throwing away your favorite sneakers."_

 _"Please, don't."_ And then, like a fucking miracle, she smiled.

_"You and me, B...we got this. I just need you to find a shred of a will to live and prove it to the doctors and your mom...if you can do that, we can go home."_

_"Home?"_

_"Well, Lima, first until you're done healing, and then we are going to buy a penthouse."_

_"A fancy one?"_

_"That's the only acceptable kind."_

_"Okay, I'll fight to live...I promise."_

_"Pinky?"_ I held out my hand, and she linked her pinky with mine.

_"Pinky."_

* * *

**Three Days Later**

* * *

When word made it back to New York about Britt's surgery, my sisters and Quinn decided to come to Lima to celebrate Thanksgiving and surround my wife with love.

Even though Thanksgiving wasn't until Thursday, they all showed up on the Saturday before so that they could help in whatever ways they could.

Britt was still in the hospital when everyone arrived, so they helped get the den set up. Then they went back to my apartment building to squat there, promising that they'd stay away unless I summoned them.

I became fiercely protective over Britt's mental health, not wanting to overwhelm her.

She still hadn't seen the kids or my mom, just her parents and me, for nearly three weeks.

I arranged to take Britt home only when I knew that the extra people had cleared from the house. It was mid-morning, and thanks to Rob not having to answer anyone, he insisted on being with us as we moved into the house while Susan worked.

With me stepping up to take care of Britt, her mom had gone back to work, trusting that I would contact her if anything. Brittany being discharged wasn't something I wanted her to stress about, so having Rob was perfect. He'd keep her updated.

Getting Britt dressed in the softest pajamas that I could find while they got the paperwork ready was a chore because she had reverted back to looking vacant.

 _"Still going to fight, B?"_ I asked her as she stared into the void. I was putting lotion on her feet before sliding fluffy socks onto them. She nodded her head but didn't say a word.

She'd been like that all morning, only responding when necessary but otherwise being out of it.

 _"Is she ready?"_ Rob asked as he pushed a wheelchair into the room.

Britt gave him a small smile and nodded. At least, I wasn't alone in this quiet morning of nonverbal answers.

Once her shoes were on, and her hair was brushed into a high pony, she signed her discharge papers and then sat in the wheelchair clutching her duck to her stomach. What I hadn't known until I handed him over to Susan was that he had a hot water bottle inside of him...it was the perfect gift for her at that moment.

It was like Court was still here, providing her big sister with comfort. I sent her a heavenly high-five like Rob and Susan did, Rob caught me and winked.

 _"Let's motor."_ He made motor sounds as he steered Brittany onto the elevator and to the waiting room. I handed him my keys and then waited with B while he grabbed the car.

 _"You know what this week is?"_ I asked her, trying for the hundredth time to prepare her for the onslaught of family. She shrugged. _"Today is Monday, Thanksgiving is on Thursday."_ She nodded and then looked around the waiting area. There were decorations everywhere, and then she nodded in understanding. _"People will be here to celebrate...some already are, but I told them they can't hound you. Not yet."_ Just when I was sure she wasn't listening, she reached for my hand and squeezed it before bringing it to her lips.

She was thanking me. I kissed her forehead, and then Rob was back, chattering enough for the three of us.

He even took on the responsibility of driving while I sat in the back with Britt, holding her hand.

It felt like we were back to being teenagers, being driven around on a date.

She must have thought the same thing because she gave my hand a squeeze and then leaned over, kissing my cheek before sitting back up and looking out the window.

I missed her voice, but she was processing. I knew how that felt, just needing to be silent. We'd been here before, back in high school, when she didn't talk for an entire month. She just needed the comfort of knowing people cared enough to be around still. It wasn't personal...her brain was just its own genius enterprise that everyone was too impatient to understand.

For her, I had all of the patience in the world.

* * *

The silence I could deal with but the vacant look in Britt's eyes was haunting me as I unstrapped her from the car.

After the drive through town, she was so inside her head that even when I spoke to her, I could tell that she wasn't hearing me.

I wasn't going to let her fall completely apart.

She still hadn't spoken a word, but the tears had finally stopped, which I wasn't quite sure was a good thing. When she got this into herself, when the tears wouldn't stop, the person who grounded her the best was her mom and Court.

Rob was too emotional, just like her. I was anxious for the day to end so that Susan could help me get her leveled-out emotionally.

Britt was in no state to deal with having company. I had even asked her to take the kids until Britt was settled. They were more than happy to see their Dama and aunts and cousins...and hopefully, by the time they saw their Mama again, she'd want to see them.

 _"We're here, B."_ I said, and she just sat there staring ahead, unblinking.

 _"I'll take the bags in and then come get her, okay?"_ Rob looked like he was ready to cry as he carried her bags inside.

I sat there with B, holding her hand, I turned her face to me, and when she was looking back at me, like really looking, I spoke.

 _"Come on, B...we're going to get you inside. Get a nice warm bath going, and then we'll tuck in early. Does that sound good?"_ I mumbled against her face as I kissed her cheek.

She nodded, and even though our eyes were directly in line with each other, I knew that she wasn't really seeing me.

* * *

I should have known that Rob was beginning to breakdown. It almost surprised me when I heard Pa's voice instead of Rob's.

_"Let me help?"_

I stood up and saw Pa was standing there with Mami and Rob behind him. Mami had looped her arm through Rob's, consoling him.

 _"Be careful with her."_ I said as I stepped to the side so that Pa could scoop her up into his arms.

 _"You got it."_ he said as he tucked her head against his shoulder and began walking towards the house.

I closed the car door and grabbed her duck before following.

Mami and Rob fell in step with me.

 _"Is the bed set up?"_ I asked Mami, and she nodded.

_"It's in the den. Susan came and made it look like a bedroom."_

I walked ahead of them and pushed the door open for Pa.

 _"Take her straight to bed."_ I said to Pa as we entered the foyer.

He held Britt like she was no bigger than Daniela. It was killing me inside to see her like this.

 _"She's so pale."_ Pa muttered as he laid her on top of the comforter.

 _"Yea...the doctors say that it will take time for her to get her coloring back."_ I muttered as I took off her shoes and then looked at Pa, who was still lingering.

_"Thank you for your help. Can you ask Mami to let the girls know to keep the kids away until I get Britt settled?"_

_"Ok, Anita. I'll be right in the kitchen if you need me to do any more heavy lifting."_

_"Thanks, Pa."_ I said as I walked him to the doorway.

I turned back around and saw that Britt had taken it upon herself to get out of the bed and walk over to the window seat.

She sat cross-legged, looking out the window at the snow that had fallen overnight. Tears streaked down her cheeks.

 _"It's Dani's first real snow."_ She muttered, then she looked at me sadly. _"I hate that I can't be out there with them."_ It warmed my heart more than I thought it could that the first words she spoke had to do with the kids. I took a deep breath and tried to compose myself as best as I could.

Be cool, Lopez.

I walked over to her and sat down in front of her. She took my hand as we looked out the window at the squirrel leaping through the snow. Britt always enjoyed watching them, but as she watched them play, she continued to cry. I pulled her hand up and kissed it. She clenched her eyes closed and pressed her lips into a thin line. I could tell that she was trying to hold back her sobs.

 _"Let it out."_ I said. Her body was shaking as she opened her eyes and wrapped her arms around her body, and curled into herself.

 _"I'm trying."_ She whispered.

 _"Do you need anything?"_ I whispered as I stood to my feet. She didn't speak...she just shook her head, reverting to her world of silence. _"Do you feel dirty? You want to take a bath?"_

I knew that after my miscarriage, I kept trying to wash away all the dark and dingy feelings. I tried to make my innocence return...I felt like that after long stays in the hospital too...I wondered if she felt the same way.

She nodded and then stood to her feet and, without hesitation, began to slowly strip out of her clothes.

It was like she was on autopilot.

* * *

Once she was naked, she finally met my eyes. Her stitches had healed, but she'd been too weak to shower on her own still, so Susan had been helping her. She'd been ashamed for me to see her, which was insane.

I guess she realized that she'd have to let me see her since Susan wasn't here. I reached my hand out, hoping that she would allow me to touch her again, which was another thing she'd been weird about.

She looked at my hand for a long time, and while I was beginning to lose my confidence in her reaching out and touching me, I didn't move.

Finally, she took it and then stood there waiting for me to make the next move.

The bathroom off the den was so rarely used that I hoped it was clean enough, but Mami had thought of everything. It was immaculate as I led us into the bathroom and then turned on the tub to the hottest temperature.

Mami had left the salve on the counter, and I poured some into the water. It bubbled and swirled pink. When I turned back to B, she was trembling and staring down at our hands.

I rubbed the top of her hand with my thumb, and she smiled sadly.

 _"Can you promise me something, Ana?"_ I looked up into her eyes in shock as she spoke to me.

 _"Anything, B."_ She swallowed and then looked at me with fresh tears in her eyes.

 _"No matter what I say or do...just please...don't leave me by myself. I don't trust myself right now. I promised you that I'd fight, but it's not going to be easy, not at first."_ I could see the desperation clawing out of her.

_"I promise you, Britt Britt, I'm not going anywhere."_

_"You'll stay while I take a bath?"_

_"Yup."_

I intended to get in with her, but I didn't want to make her feel any more self-conscious than she already did.

* * *

Britt stepped into the tub, and I knelt down on the carpet, ready to help her wash-up when she was ready. I rolled up a towel and perched it on the back of the tub. She laid her head back on it and closed her eyes.

Her hand clutched mine for dear life.

And I just rested there, holding her hand and humming softly to her.

When she finally opened her eyes, it was to me pulling the rosary from underneath my shirt. She let go of my hand and ran a finger along my rosary, her finger bumping mine.

Sadness radiated from her, but I smiled and reached around my neck, and pulled my rosary over my head.

_"You need this more than me, right now."_

She sat up enough for me to reach to put the rosary over her head.

 _"I don't deserve this."_ She whispered as she fingered the beads.

_"Let God be the one to decide what you deserve."_

_"I think he already did."_ She mumbled before dropping her head back. She retook my hand as she began sobbing her heart out again.

This was a daunting reality, but I knew that I was prepared to help her.

With everything we had been through, my love for her never wavered.

I would give her all my love...and I would allow people to help me because I couldn't do it alone. I realized that these first few days weren't something I could handle by myself. I was still recovering. I was still building up my own defenses. I was afraid that if I took all of this on my shoulders alone, that I would become crushed under the weight of it all.

That's a scary thought.

To help Britt, I knew that I needed to keep helping myself.


	16. Prisoner (Miley Cyrus feat. Dua Lipa)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Once Britt was out of the tub, she stood in front of the mirror and ran her fingers over the slight swelling in her lower abdomen. After surgery, the fact that she looked pregnant had been the beginning of this depression. There was so much swelling in the beginning that it was hard to believe that she hadn't just had a baby.

There was bruising now to go along with the slight swell that looked more like bloating than a baby, thankfully. She had to wear a binder around her hips and belly for weeks. Now that she was out of it and coherent enough to actually look at herself objectively, it seemed she couldn't stop looking. I just stood there, trying to be patient, while I waited for her to finish her examination.

I tried to look nonchalant, but then she was looking at me. _"Hey. Um..."_

 _"Yes, B?"_ I said, eager to please her in whatever way I could, anything to get her to be happy and stay that way.

_"Am I still fuckable?"_

I couldn't hold back my grin.

_"Absolutely."_

_"Good."_ She nodded to herself and then took a deep breath before muttering so low that I almost didn't hear her, _"At least my lady parts are still good for something."_

I had thought for a split second that she was coming around to a happier outlook, but she was still in her head.

She was just hiding it better.

I should have known.

When we got back to the den, she sat naked, staring out the window. From the bed that sat pressed against the far wall, where she could see the television clearly, had a line of sight out the window and into the kitchen.

Mami had set up the room so that Britt could feel both a sense of privacy and like she wasn't alone.

The plan was for me to stay in the den with her, but I hated that room. That couch used to be my favorite place to sleep in the whole house. When I spent days alone as a kid, I practically lived on that couch since everything that I needed was always just steps away. I had always thought fondly of it...until Marco raped me in here while I was pregnant with Isaac.

Ever since then, I have avoided the den, and no one questioned it. I knew, though, at that moment, it wasn't about my feelings. I needed to do what was best for my wife, which meant staying in that room until she was better.

 _"What are you thinking about?"_ She said, breaking me out of my reverie. I looked over at her from where I still stood in the doorway and had to do a double-take. In the time I had been staring at the couch, thinking about all that had happened in the den over the years, she had changed into her duck pajamas, the same ones she sent me after Marco choked me out.

When I left rehab, CiCi had asked me why I was choosing to stay in my apartment instead of being in my childhood home with my mother. I told her straight up, bad memories.

Over the months, I had allowed myself little trips to the house, an hour here or there, but I tried not to be in this room for long.

 _"I...when Marco...it was in here."_ She looked confused and then pissed.

Great.

 _"Everything comes back to him...even now?"_ She snapped at me, and I shook my head.

_"Forget it. I'm overthinking, I'm fine. What do you need?"_

I would have made this into a fight in the past, but I didn't have the energy. She held her brush out to me. _"Can you brush my hair and put it up? Lifting my arms bothers my tummy."_

_"Sure, B."_

When her back was to me, I brushed through her hair with all the love and devotion that I could muster despite her utter dismissal of my emotions.

I couldn't take things personally, even if I felt so hurt by just standing in that fucking room.

Once I got her top knot secured, I put the brush on the side table and then dropped down onto the couch.

She curled up on the bed and stared blankly out the window.

For a while, we stayed there like that, in complete silence.

My head was beginning to hurt, and I suddenly had the urge to leave her there, escape somewhere. I just didn't want her to feel abandoned or lonely.

 _"Are you hungry?"_ I asked, and she shrugged. _"Do you want me to give you some space?"_ She shrugged again.

Rob popped his head in and smiled at Britt. He kissed her forehead and then broke our silence.

_"You smell awesome. How was the bath?"_

Britt sat up and smiled at him.

 _"It was good."_ Then she looked at me coldly. _"I'm going to hang with Dad for a while until Mom gets here. I'm sure Gladys has something for you to do in the kitchen."_

She was snarky and getting irritable with me after I had been by her side for weeks? Fuck her. I didn't need to put up with this. I took a deep breath and tried not to snap at her, at least not in front of Rob.

_"Okay, if you're good, I'll go check on the kids."_

This made her perk up.

_"Good. Kiss them for me?"_

_"Sure, B."_

* * *

Mami wasn't in the kitchen, so I just grabbed my jacket and headed for the front door. I could hear Mami's voice coming from Papi's office. She was on a work call, so I didn't bother bugging her. I just left.

Once I was in the car, I just sat there, taking long, deep breaths while trying to swallow back my tears.

I backed out the driveway but stopped when I got to the street, I could feel eyes on me, so I glanced towards the den window, and there Britt stood with Rob, he was talking to her, but she was watching me.

She waved, but I pretended not to see her. Instead, I just continued onto the street. I couldn't get away fast enough.

I drove towards the apartment for a few minutes but then realized that I didn't want to deal with my family, not yet, so instead, I drove towards the highway.

On the way, I passed the church as people filed in for a meeting. I knew that I should be going there instead of leaving, but I just couldn't deal with the self-righteous shit at that moment when I was feeling cynical.

I stopped for gas and cigarettes, trying not to think about how I was picking up a habit that I had worked so hard to stop. My phone buzzed and connected to the car, but I declined it. Instead, I put my phone on do not disturb after lighting up and rolling down my window, even though it was below freezing out. I tore onto the highway like I was being chased.

For weeks, I had been making more room for Brittany in my daily routine, which now felt like a fucking waste. I hadn't been to my businesses or spent any time by myself. Everything revolved around her. I felt like the build-up of all the shit in my mind was going to send me on a downward spiral, and I just couldn't slip, not now when I had so much riding on me staying sober.

I smoked and drove until my gaslight came on about 300 miles later. I had driven past Cleveland and was near Pennsylvania when I pulled over at a state park right off Lake Erie and turned off the car. It was beginning to snow as I stared out onto the half-frozen lake. It was beautiful and dangerous, just like most amazing things.

My phone had been buzzing on and off for hours until it died. I knew that this was reckless, but I couldn't talk to anyone; instead, I lit up another cigarette and just sat there staring out into the nothingness.

What toll was insisting on taking care of Britt doing to my recovery? How could I help her through this when I had been building up this intense resentment toward her. Sure, I had gotten good at hiding it, but I could sense that she was starting to see it, and I had a feeling that was why she was so fucking snide and snippy. I was just so fucking mad at her because this was entirely preventable, if only she had resisted sleeping with him, or even if she had just called me sooner...shit, if she had just taken the fucking medicine provided to her by my insurance.

I was getting myself all riled up, so much so that when there was a hard knock on my window, I nearly dropped my cigarette and set myself on fire.

 _"Fuck."_ I put the cigarette into the ashtray and looked towards the window again.

A flashlight was beaming into my face and then around my car.

The snow was coming down a little heavier now, and here I was sitting in a freezing car, all alone in the darkness. Of course, it looked suspicious. I opened the window, and some of it fell into the car.

_"Ma'am, are you okay?"_

_"Uh, yes, I'm not from around here...I was trying to find a gas station, but I don't have a signal to look it up."_ I shook my now dead phone at him, and he nodded.

_"This park is closed after dusk. If you stay here any longer, you'll get stuck here...they're predicting another blizzard."_

_"Oh."_

_"If you follow me, I can lead you to the nearest gas station and direct you to the closest hotel. If you are using the highway to travel, you'll want to get back on it soon, before this gets any worse."_

_"Thanks."_ I turned my car back on, and the gaslight shone brightly. He nodded when he saw I wasn't lying and then headed to his car.

I put up my window and then picked up my cigarette, relighting it before turning around and following the cop out of the park. My wheels spun a bit, but I hit gravel, and it surged forward.

The heat was starting to warm me, and I realized that I was probably so out of it that I would have frozen to death.

* * *

After filling up my tank, I bought hand sanitizer, gum, and air freshener but skipped another pack of cigarettes. I had smoked myself down to my last two cigarettes and knew that I'd need to finish them or stash them away before I got home.

If I went home.

The cop hadn't been kidding about the blizzard warnings. I drove for a half-hour and only made it about ten miles before I had to pull off the road. The snow had gotten too thick for this little convertible. If I had my SUV that was collecting rust back in New York, I would have been able to at least make it halfway home.

I pulled into a hotel parking lot, grabbed my phone, charger, and purse before heading inside.

A shiver went through me when I remembered the last time I had stayed at a hotel...Brenda's funeral.

It also dawned on me that my whole family was in Lima, which meant that they'd ALL know I was gone. When they were in New York, it was less likely that I'd have to deal with their judgment, but with me being a recovering drug addict, I knew that they were all thinking the worst.

Fuck.

When I finally got up to my room, I felt the exhaustion hit me.

For weeks, I had been going nonstop, without thought to how much rest I was getting.

Now that I was alone, in the middle of nowhere, I had no choice but to focus on myself.

I put my phone on the charger. Then I went downstairs to the little lobby store. I loaded up on junk food, a travel kit, and an oversized Cleveland shirt. Since I was there, I also got tiny versions for the kids. Fuck it, why not?

Once I was back in my room, I dropped the food on the bed and went straight to the bathroom to take the hottest shower known to man.

It felt good to not worry about anything or anybody...just for one night.

How strange was it that my crazy life made me wistful for the singular focus of rehab?

* * *

One long shower later, I climbed into the bed, turned on the television, and began to dig into my snacks.

Now that my phone had come to life, it kept chiming with notifications. I watched an old episode of some laugh track sitcom while I tried to work up the nerve to see how much trouble I was in.

I told myself one bag of chips, and I'd call someone, but then that came and went.

My body shook badly. The craving for more smoke in my lungs was a surprise, the feeling of fiending for anything was enough to give me pause. How was it that I needed a cigarette? This couldn't be a habit that I fed, not with Isaac so sick all the time and my own breathing issues. I only had two left, so there was no point in wasting them. I dug them out of my wallet and then went lit up, grateful that I had gotten a smoking room.

With the smoke choking my lungs and my head feeling floaty from all the nicotine and adrenaline, I picked up my phone.

I had nearly 100 messages and missed calls.

While I was trying to decide which person to respond to, my phone rang. It was Walker.

 _"Hi."_ I said, feeling foolish for not talking to her at the very least. She would have probably skipped town with me if she had been there.

 _"You good?"_ She asked in her normal tone.

_"Yeah. Who called you?"_

_"Quinn, on behalf of the family."_

_"Figures."_

_"They're going crazy...you know that, right?"_

_"Not surprised."_

_"Are you safe, at least?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you sober?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good. Did you get stuck in this snow?"_

_"Kinda. I drove until I ran out of gas. I just needed some air. I tried to head home, but the snow got too bad, so I am currently at a hotel for the night. I'll see how things are in the morning and head home when the roads are clear."_

_"What Bean are you near?"_

_"Red Bean."_

_"Wow, I haven't been there in a while...want to meet there in the morning?"_

_"Why, so you can escort me home?"_

_"Partially."_ I scoffed, and she sighed. _"_ _It's also a good opportunity for you to check out one of the locations you just purchased. It's the only location that is more diner than a coffee shop. My sister Emerson went to Oberlin College and had the idea for that location. It's a hit for all the area colleges. It's open 24 hours, unlike the rest, and is the cash cow that keeps the Beans going. We can grab pancakes and discuss business plans for the other locations. I think you should also catch a meeting when you come back here."_

_"I know. If I could get to one right now, I'd probably go."_

_"Is it that bad?"_

_"It could have been, but I stayed clean."_

_"Good, let's talk over breakfast, yes?"_

_"Fine. I'll meet you there."_

_"Are you sure you'll show? I'm not forcing you."_

_"Of course, I'll show. Why would I lie about that?"_

_"Addicts lie...I know that better than most. Don't bullshit me...it's Thanksgiving week, and I just drove back to town from Columbus to help look for you."_

_"I'll be there...the front desk guy already told me that they'd dig me out in the morning."_

_"Good. I'll let you know when I'm close."_

_"Thanks."_

_"Call your mom before you go to bed. Everyone else can wait."_

_"I was just trying to figure that out."_

_"Your mom, for sure."_

_"Thanks, Walker."_

_"Yup. See you in the morning."_

* * *

I lit my last cigarette, then called Mami before I lost my nerve.

She was NOT as calm as Walker.

_"Where are you?!"_

_"Bendicion."_ I said after blowing out smoke.

 _"Santana, please, my heart can't take this. Where are you?"_ A door shut, and then she let out a sob.

I flipped the call to FaceTime and waited for her to answer.

When she did, I could see that she was in the bathroom in my apartment. She looked like shit.

 _"I'm in a hotel outside Cleveland. The snow is nasty."_ I said to her before I sucked in more nicotine, forgetting that she could see me for a split second. Her eyes went wide.

_"Mi'ja, tell me cigarettes are the only backslide you took today, please?"_

_"They are. I just needed to get away from there. I drove until I ran out of gas...then it started snowing on my way back."_

_"So you got a hotel instead of driving, good girl."_ She said, looking calmer. _"I don't even need to ask why you left. Brittany is out of control. She cursed at her father when you left the house without saying goodbye to her, and then when more time went by, and you weren't answering her calls. She tried to leave to find you, Rob tried to stop her, and she pushed him so hard that he nearly fell."_

_"No way?!"_

_"He yelled at her, and she was falling over herself to apologize. I've never heard him get that upset."_

_"How did you get her to calm down about me being gone?"_

_"Quinn."_

_"Is she okay now?"_

_"Yes, we told her that you were at the apartment and I was going to check on you. She thinks you're here."_

_"Thanks...I don't need her blowing up at anyone else. Walker is coming here tomorrow morning to escort me back. She thinks it's a good idea to check out the coffee shop here...so we'll have breakfast and then drive back."_

_"Okay...and you're safe?"_

_"If you're asking me if I'm high, no, I'm not, and I don't plan on it."_

_"Good. I'll calm everyone down, get some rest and call me when you head out in the morning."_

_"Okay, Mami. I love you. I'm sorry for scaring you."_

_"Thank you. I'm glad you're safe."_

* * *

I woke up feeling hungover and wheezing. It took every bit of energy in me to crawl to my purse and pull out the rescue inhaler that I seldom used. I sucked down two quick bursts of air and then just laid there, giving my lungs a second to catch up.

Smoking had definitely been a bad idea.

Instead of waiting, I texted Walker right away.

**_Just got out of bed. Gonna shower. Are you on the way?-Santana_ **

**_She's driving. We should be there in 30 mins.-Q_ **

I should have known that Walker wouldn't come alone, and I didn't blame her. She didn't know what she was showing up to. Having backup like Quinn was a safe move. I would have done something similar if the tables were turned.

**_Okay.-San_ **

I rushed through a hot shower. Scrubbing the smell of smoke out of my skin. It was too cold out to wash my hair, so I just finger combed conditioner to mask the smell.

Since I didn't have a change of clothes other than the nightshirt I bought, I was stuck wearing my clothes from the previous day at least, that was the plan, but the moment I put my shirt over my head, the smell of smoke sent me into a coughing fit.

So, I had to settle for my smoky jeans and the new nightshirt. At least that way, the smoke had a longer way to travel to get to my lungs.

They had just finished digging my car out of the snow when I got to the lobby. There was at least two feet of snow outside, but thankfully it looked like the road had been cleared.

 _"How are you miss?"_ The concierge asked. _"Would you like us to heat-up your car while you grab some complimentary coffee?"_

 _"That would be amazing!"_ I double-checked that he actually worked there before handing over my keys. I felt exhausted as I lingered at the coffee bar.

Despite the conditioner, I could still smell smoke in my hair. To make matters worse, my car reeked of smoke, so I drove the whole four miles to the Red Bean with my windows open. Thank God for seat warmers.

I pulled up next to Walker's SUV and took another puff of my inhaler.

Right then, as I stared at the Red Bean, a place that was twice the size of the Lima Bean and way busier...I knew I had made a wise purchase.

I sprayed perfume in the car and on myself before stepping out of the car. The wind froze my face, but it also carried away a little of the smoke. It took me about two minutes to get up the nerve, but I marched towards the building with my head held high.

* * *

Walker greeted me at the hostess stand. She stood there looking serious and then pulled my sunglasses from my face.

Our eyes met, and she asked me again.

_"You good?"_

_"I am."_ My voice was deeper, scratchier from the cigarettes, but I didn't bother trying to clear my throat. She handed back my glasses and then nodded toward the dining room.

_"Quinn is here with your sister, Celia. They're having breakfast at a separate table from us at my insistence. It's one thing for them to bombard me this morning. It's another for them to inundate you with drama when you might be too fragile to deal with it."_

_"Thanks."_

_"I owed you one for saving me from my family and Heather a few weeks ago."_

_"Right."_

_"They are taking you home, and I'm heading straight to Columbus, so this will be all the time you get with me until after Thanksgiving. So I need you to promise me you'll file this under the reckless acts pact we have."_

_"I will."_ I said, knowing she meant reckless acts need meetings, and I had every intention of doing just that.

_"Solid. Let me show you around."_

I followed her as she gave me a tour of the dining room tour, the kitchens and introduced me to the staff.

The place was amazing, and when we finally sat, and I got a Belgian waffle the size of my head, I swooned.

We ate in silence at first, letting the silence hang there for a bit, and then it became uncomfortable.

 _"You know what's crazy?"_ I said to Walker, and she very calmly put down her knife and fork before wiping her hands on her napkin. Once she was finished, she looked me in the eyes and nodded for me to continue. _"I didn't think of drugs even once. All I wanted was some space to get some clarity on exactly what I'm doing when it comes to Brittany."_

_"Only Brittany?"_

_"No, more than that, I had this plan about leaving rehab and reconnecting with myself, my health, and my kids. I wanted to go back to New York healed. I wanted to show up in a new home with no history and start fresh. I had hoped to do that on New Years' Day, but it's already the end of November. Instead of feeling like I've made progress, I'm here, having run away from my wife and kids...on the biggest family holiday week of the year. It makes me question if I am ready to leave in a month."_

_"What would it take?"_ She asked before sipping her coffee.

_"For what?"_

_"For you to do exactly that, move back and start fresh?"_

_"I don't know anymore."_

_"Are you healthy?"_

_"For the most part. Until this morning, after smoking a pack of cigarettes and needing my inhaler, I haven't felt sick otherwise."_

_"Okay, and how are you with the kids? Do they know you? Have you had fun with them? Are you closer to them than you were?"_

_"I am. We haven't had as much fun as I would like, but I'm planning to be a stay at home mom. There's time for fun in New York."_

_"Okay, so what's the holdup? Brittany is leaving because of work; as soon as she is healed, she has made that clear to EVERYONE, correct?"_

_"I know she has."_

_"So what's holding you back?"_

_"I am."_

_"Why?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"You know what I think? I think you're scared, and I think the longer you stay, the more excuses you will create. If I were you, I'd go back to Lima, pick a place in New York and buy it. Then after the holiday or holidays, I'd move right away. I think you need to write up your plan, step-by-step, and check off the list. Make one that includes Brittany and one that doesn't. That way, you can manage your expectations."_

_"Really? You too?"_

_"Yes. I agree with that sentiment."_

_"And in the meantime?"_

_"In the meantime, Santana, you can't hang your hat on only Brittany anymore. You are addicted to her happiness, and somewhere along the way, you have convinced yourself that it's your job to make her happy, and that's a mistake. I know it for a fact because that's what I've been doing with Heather for 12 years."_

_"You make some good points."_

_"I know."_

_"Will you help me get to a place where I feel prepared to leave?"_

_"However you need me, I'll be there. You need to create a business plan with Rob and me. Then you need to have a sit-down with all of your site managers. This is the furthest location from Lima, so meeting Greg and Lisa, the co-managers will be a great start. I've already let them know we'd be here. They should be here soon. We will just introduce you and let them know I'm staying on, but there might be some changes...like whatever you told Dave."_

_"Oh, that."_

_"Yeah...what was it you were alluding to about expectations?"_

_"I was thinking about starting a college fund for managers, to help them with expenses and provide them with flexibility in their schedules, like I do with Z. A path to management, so that you can eventually let them fully manage the Beans while you continue to be the boss and I remain the silent owner/partner."_

_"That's great. We won't talk that in-depth, though, because we need a concrete business plan with facts and figures before bringing the managers into your plan. You're onto something, though."_

_"Good._ _Thanks for reminding me that I exist outside of Lima and Brittany."_

_"Anytime."_

* * *

Meeting with the new managers was amazing. I felt like a boss and needed that boss bitch attitude for my journey home.

Walker intended to pick up her sister Emerson and drive them back to Columbus, so after breakfast, I had to suck it up and go home with Quinn and Ceily.

I was geared up for it to be a shit show, but then I walked over to their booth, and they were holding hands, with their faces close together. Leverage, they probably wanted a nice, sweet ride, and I couldn't agree more.

So, I slid into the booth and snatched a piece of sausage from my sister's plate.

 _"You two fucking again?"_ I asked, and Quinn turned bright pink. _"I'll take that as a yes. When did this happen?"_

 _"Uh...um...well."_ Q was actually speechless, and I turned my eyes on my sister, who I hadn't seen in person in months.

_"She needed a New York address, she asked you, and then the internship people wanted to see the mail with your address, and she didn't want to bother you. So, she came to me, and I let her change her phone plan address to Brooklyn to claim residency. As a thank you, she asked me out for coffee...the rest is history."_

_"Congrats, ladies. I'm glad my busy life brought you two back together. So, listen, I need to get this out before we head home. I didn't drink or get high last night. I am still sober, and I plan to be. I smoked a lot of cigarettes, my car reeks, and I know it. I've been through way too much shit with B, and I don't want to spend the next four hours hearing lectures. So, say what you need to say now. Hopefully, after that, we can just have a good drive home without the bullshit. Does that sound like a plan?"_

They both nodded, and then Q went first.

_"I was only going to say that your babies need you, and they need Britt, but not like this. All I want is for you to come home and get a place, just for you and the kids. Let B figure her shit out without sex or a marriage hanging over her. This time apart from Ceily, was good for me. I found my footing, and I think you deserve to find yours too."_

_"And what is your great plan for my wife's living situation?"_

_"Ari got a place near NYU. She needs a roommate. We all know that she has NO interest in fucking B...so I think it's a great fit."_

_"Does Ari think that too?"_

_"She does, and she has offered, but Britt turned her down because she is of the mind that she needs to save every penny."_

I looked at my sister and raised an eyebrow.

 _"This is about Sandra cutting her off, isn't it?"_ Ceily nodded. _"Fine, I'll pay Ari directly and let Britt figure out the rest. My kids need a safe place to visit when they are with her, and I'm willing to pay for that. You have anything to say, sis?"_

_"Not really, I just wanted to be here for moral support. You know my stance on Brittany, I've stopped her from killing you, and I've also supported you getting back together. I trust you, and I accept her on the strength of my love and trust for you. If you think that you're good and that you know what you're doing when it comes to her...then I'm just going to have your back."_

_"That's just it; I have no fucking idea. Loving Brittany is like breathing for me. I can recognize, though, that we are broken, and I have played a part in that. I can own up to my shit. I just had this idea that moving home would me that we would be moving into our own home when I finally leave Lima. I thought that we could be a real family, and I just don't think that's happening, not after everything that just happened. I'm grieving my relationship, and I'm grieving the children she won't be able to carry...I ache for her, but I don't think that should be something that completely washes out my own needs."_

_"So take it day by day."_ Q said. _"You guys are a real family, no matter what your living situation is. When you two make things about the kids, everything else will fall into place."_

_"You're right. I just need to get through this week, and then I think it will be time to start figuring my life out. It's nice to have the option of her living with Ari. I think that removes one of my major hang-ups."_

_"Sis, like I said, I've got your back."_

_"So do I."_ Q said.

 _"Thanks! So what do you think of this place?"_ I asked them and Quinn nodded.

_"I love it. I wish the Lima Bean cooked like this."_

_"Yeah, the coffee is pretty decent too."_ Ceily threw in.

_"Well, this isn't family knowledge yet, but I own it. I own all the Beans."_

_"Wait, the Lima Bean too?"_ Q asked.

_"Yup. I bought Walker out. I agree that the breakfast here is awesome, and I think it could be a hit at the Lima Bean."_

_"Shit, San. That's amazing...does that mean that this meal is free?"_

_"No. You still need to pay. So eat up. I miss my babies and want to get home so I can wash the smoke from my hair, chop-chop, ladies."_ I said, and then I left them at the table...I had something I needed to do.

* * *

I left the Red Bean and headed out to the car. I really needed to handle this before making the drive.

After taking a calming breath, I called my wife.

 _"You're alive! Nice of you to call."_ She said, sounding snarky.

_"Britt, this isn't how you talk to me. I hate that you've been mean and angry towards me. I won't put up with it."_

_"If you don't want me to be mean, then you shouldn't just leave and not come home!"_

_"I left yesterday because you were discounting my feelings. Marco raped me in that room, and it was hard for me to be in there. I tried to be upfront about it, and you were mean for no reason."_

_"I'm sorry, okay?"_

_"No. That's not good enough. I need to know you really fucking mean it."_

_"What more do you want from me? I'm trying!"_

_"Here is how it's gonna go for me. I'm coming home today. I'm still going to stay at the house because I promised my mom that I would help her pack up the house. After Thanksgiving, I will take the kids to the St. Mary's lakehouse to stay for a week. I think I need out of Lima...to clear my head, I just went about it the wrong way."_

_"Yeah, you did."_ She muttered, but I chose to ignore it.

_"Anyway, I would love it if you could come and we could figure out our shit as a family—just the four of us, but if you can't go because of whatever hang-ups you have, that's fine too, I can't build my world around someone determined to burn it to the ground."_

_"I feel the same way."_

She was right, but it still stung.

_"B, I just need you to understand that I will not let you jeopardize my sobriety because you are hurting. The sarcasm and rude comments are out of control. They need to stop. Understand?"_

_"Yeah. Are you done?"_ She said, not sounding affected at all.

_"I'm done."_

_"I'm leaving your mom's. I'm going back to my parents' house, I think I need space for a few days, and then I would really like to go to the lakehouse with you and the kids."_

_"What about everything else that I just said?"_

_"I will be better at being respectful. I'm sorry. I'm feeling bitter."_

_"I get that."_

_"I'm a work in progress...we both are."_

_"You're right. Will_ _I see you when I get home?"_

_"Probably not. I don't feel like I deserve to be in your presence right now because you're right about me being out of control. After I pushed dad, mom called the one person who scares the shit out of me...and now...well...I need to reevaluate my actions and stop acting like a fool."_

_"You saw Sue."_

_"Yeah."_

_"What about Thanksgiving?"_

_"I think I'm going to Chicago with my parents, I was staying here for you, but I should go. It will be the first Thanksgiving without Court. It will be good to be around family and get my head straight. I was hoping you'd let me take Izzy?"_

_"Just Isaac?"_

_"Dani is still kinda breastfeeding, and she's attached to you. It will be easier on you to only have to worry about one kid. I'm his mom. It's about time I act like it."_

_"Okay, that's fine. He'll love all of the attention."_

_"Yeah, he will. There are no little kids in my family...just Izzy and Dani."_ She cleared her throat and sighed, _"I'm sorry about everything. When I see you next, I want you to know that I mean it. So, drive safe, and I'll see you for Sunday dinner?"_

_"Sounds like a plan."_

_"And you'll send me pics of the Dani? I'll make sure to send some of Izzy."_

_"Yeah."_

_"Sweet. Bye."_

_"Bye."_

* * *

According to Celia, the family had all gone back to the house because they refused to allow Brittany to run them out of Papi's house, which meant that I could go to my apartment without any interference.

I smelled to the high heavens, so after a quick stop at the Lima Bean for some coffee, I had them drop me off at the apartment.

Quinn was unsure about leaving me there on my own, but I still needed space.

So after making sure I was actually in my apartment, she left in Ceily's rental car with her.

I watched them pull out of the lot and head down the street and around the corner.

Once I was sure they were gone, I waited.

An SUV came around the corner, and I smirked.

It had happened on the ride down, the text message that changed my initial plan to just head to the house.

Ari.

_**Are you home?-Ari** _

_**Not yet, are you in town-Anita** _

_**Yes, I need...you.-Ari** _

_**What happened to ya, girl?-Anita** _

_**Quits. Please?-Ari** _

_**Just this once.-Anita** _

_**I know.-Ari** _

_**I'll let you know when the coast is clear!-Anita** _

I met Ari at the door. She had tears in her eyes and a beautiful smile that I missed.

 _"Hey."_ I said. She stepped into my personal space and shut the door behind her, locking it.

_"Hi."_

_"Britt won't forgive you for this. You know that, right?"_

_"I share an office wall with her...I have heard things that haunt me. She's got her own dirt."_

_"I'm still married. Can you handle that Catholic guilt?"_

_"Please, Anita?"_

_"I need a shower, join me?"_

* * *

I leaned over her and hit the smoke detector with my shoe, knocking the light out. Sandra was in town, and I knew how fucking nosy she could be. I wasn't trying to start shit with my family.

My phone buzzed immediately,

_**What the fuck?-Sandra** _

_**Mind your business.-Ana** _

Instead of waiting for a response, I just texted back a shower emoji.

I glanced into the lot once more. Just mine and Ari's brother's car sat there.

She kissed me, and it caught me by surprise even though I knew what she was there for.

Her lips tasted like her favorite cinnamon gum, and her fingers felt urgent as they moved over my shoulders, and then she pushed off my coat. Her hands were quick as she tore off my clothes.

We made our way into the bathroom, and I pushed her back. I needed to see her.

_"Strip."_

She looked shy as she slowly took off her layers. All the dancing had carved her body into a work of art...just like Britt's. I was a sucker for a dancer's body.

Fuck.

When my eyes traveled up her body and looked into her eyes, I could see that they were red-rimmed.

She'd been crying a lot.

And she knew what question was on the tip of my tongue.

_"I'm still in remission. I'm not sick."_

_"Thank God."_

After turning on the shower, I pushed her back against the wall and kissed her.

I had a brief flashback of Britt pushing me back against this same part of the wall, I had been high and trying to hide more coke, and she used violence to make me breakdown.

Ari's tears became my tears.

I really wished I could get shit right, but I was scared to be alone, and with the way things were with B, I was endlessly alone.

At least I wasn't fucking Sofia still.

I loved Ari.

She was the soulmate for a different lifetime.

I wasn't surprised when she took over once we were in the shower. She needed this more than I did. I was a safe place, a soft place, and I didn't mind it.

At least not at that moment.

* * *

My body shook as she brought me to climax for the third time, her fingers started working me up again, and I grabbed her wrist.

 _"That's enough...let me?"_ I asked, and she nodded.

I slipped my fingers inside her and watched her whole body relax. This was the first time that I really felt like I was betraying Brittany...not even when I fucked Sofia right downstairs did I feel like this.

She held onto me and let out these whimpers that drove me crazy.

And then she came, fast, her body shaking with tears leaking down her face.

I kissed her salty cheeks as I moved my hand from inside her and gripped her hip.

_"I love you...it's going to be okay...I promise. You have me as much as you need."_

She shook her head.

_"You can't use me as a crutch...you don't love me like that."_

_"But I do. If things don't work with B..."_ I let the sentence hang, and she just stared at me wide-eyed, like she was actually considering it, but then she shook her head.

_"No. You can't fall in love with me...we have a deal. You picked Brittany, remember? You told me that she will always be it for you. I told you before. I won't be your crutch. I just...I needed this. Understand, this won't happen again."_

_"Right."_ I nodded and turned from her. _"You're right. Sorry."_ I refocused my energy into washing my body and crying into the water pounding on my face. _"Tell me about this girl. What happened?"_

She was right. I'd lead her on and then go running back to Britt. It's what I always did, and she was too good for that. I knew better.

I don't know when I started sobbing, but her arms pulled me from under the water. She held me back against her chest and kissed my shoulder.

 _"I thought she was the one, but how can I be sure? She's like this perfect angel. I am not worthy of her."_ Ari said between kisses.

_"I feel the same way about you and me. I used to feel like that about me and B. I've corrupted her."_

_"Nah, Britt always had that darkness. You just gave her permission to let it out."_

_"Maybe."_

_"Your skin smells like smoke. I thought you quit?"_

_"I went on a bender last night. I'm just getting home."_

Her arms tightened, and I leaned my head against hers. _"I'm sober. I just went awol, drove to Cleveland without telling anyone, got stuck in a snowstorm, and smoked a whole pack of cigarettes."_

_"Wow."_

_"Yeah, I was escorted home. They are waiting for me at my dad's house. I can't be here for too long, or they'll show up looking for me."_

_"Then let's get dry. I don't want to be in the Lopez family drama. I've got enough Soto shit going on."_

We got clean and lapsed into just joking around.

No more sex happened. We just fell into that easy friendship that we had developed as kids.

She kissed me one more time and then left me in the shower.

Moments later, she shoved my toothbrush at me with a little mountain of toothpaste on it.

 _"Thanks,"_ I muttered, feeling self-conscious.

_"I'll meet you in the kitchen. I still need advice."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

I took my time moisturizing my body and putting on some makeup. It'd been a while since I felt like I wanted to do my face up, but something about the way Ari looked at me, like if she allowed herself, she'd love me better than I could ever imagine, inspired me.

She had been right, though, when all is said and done...even while I was with her, it was Britt who dominated my thoughts.

My love for Brittany felt childish but also like the only thing in the world that made sense.

I rubbed the tattoo on my finger...one of the same fingers that had just been fucking Ari.

The tears threatened to come, but I forced myself to think of something else, something happy, like my son's smile.

After I got dressed, I headed out to the kitchen.

I stopped short when blue eyes were staring me down.

_"B...where's...did Ari leave?"_

_"She's in the hall or the car...I don't know, I just asked her to leave. I needed a moment with you...alone."_

_"I thought you said that you didn't want to see me."_

_"Yeah, well, I wasn't clear-headed, I was just telling you what I thought you wanted to hear. I'm level now."_

_"Oh, that's good."_

_"If it's good, why won't you come fully into the kitchen. Are you scared that I'm going to hurt you after what you just did?"_

I rubbed at my ring finger and shook my head.

_"No."_

_"Come here."_ She stood there, in the center of the kitchen with her hands shoved in her pockets _. "Please?"_

I stared at the busted smoke detector and then the door that was behind Brittany. There was nowhere for me to go other than the room, and I wasn't going to lock myself in there like a little bitch.

She was still wounded. If she got funny, I would just knee her if need be.

I squared my shoulders and moved further into the kitchen. I pulled out one of the chairs and nodded towards the other.

_"You wanna talk, you sit down over there...you already shoved Rob. I don't want your hands to get any ideas about me."_

She didn't even argue. She sat down across from me, like a reasonable adult.

 _"You fucked Ari."_ She said, and I shrugged. _"You left and didn't tell anyone where you were going."_ I shrugged again. Her hand slammed down on the table, and I flinched _. "If you don't want me to be angry, please use your words, Santana."_

Full name.

 _"Yes to all of that. Brittany."_ I shot back, and she shook her head at me. _"What's your point?"_

_"Are you doing this to hurt me? Is it because I was mean?"_

_"It's not about you, B."_

She scoffed, _"I should have known. It's never about me. Even when I'm suffering, it's about someone else. I got shot, and it was all about Carmen and Nico. I lose a piece of myself, and you run away after promising me that you wouldn't leave me."_

_"You sent me away!"_

_"To the kitchen, to the kids, but not to Cleveland!"_ She was crying now.

I was so tired of tears.

_"What do you want from me, Brittany?"_

_"I want to be the only person that gets to make you moan. Since I've been here, you've fucked two people that I know of. When did you go back to being such a slut?"_ This time, I slammed my hands down.

_"Don't."_

_"I just wish you'd let it out. I can tell that you're disappointed in me. Just fucking say it!"_

_"Fine. Yes, I am. I'm pissed at you for this! You did this to yourself. I would have helped you!"_

_"But I didn't want you to pay for things or fix me. I just wanted my best friend."_

_"We're barely friends."_ I said, and she nodded.

_"I know...we're barely married either."_

_"Then divorce me, already."_ I said, and she shook her head.

_"No. I want this to work. I want you and only you. Every time I have cheated on you, something bad has happened. I won't ever do that again. EVER. I swear on Court's grave, I will be faithful to you until the day that I die."_

_"Don't swear on her grave."_

_"Too late. I already did."_

_"Well, I won't be swearing on any graves."_

_"You don't have to. I know if I'm faithful, you'll be faithful. You cheat when you're unhappy. Sex isn't a big deal to you. I know that about you."_

_"Because I'm a slut?"_

_"No, because you have to love a person."_

_"I love Ari."_

_"But you didn't pick her, not even today...did you?"_

_"I...still fucked her."_

_"Sex means nothing to you unless you are saying that you leaving me for her?"_

I hated myself, but I wouldn't lie. _"No."_

_"Why?"_

_"Because."_

_"Because why?"_

_"Because I'm fucking in love with you, okay, you happy?"_

She grinned. _"Yeah. I am."_ She leaned over the table and pulled on my shirt until our faces were inches apart. _"I'm fucking in love with you too."_ Then she kissed me, and against my better judgment, I swooned.

Fucking Brittany and her loving me.

Fuck her.

* * *

Britt held me in her arms once we were standing and danced with me, humming all the while.

_"Next week, when we go to the lake, I want us to start planning our lives and someday...when we have been happy for way longer than a year, maybe we try again. Would you be okay with that?"_

_"Five years, at least."_ I said to her, and she stopped in her tracks. _"We're 20, B. Let's live a little, make a life. A real one, then we can talk about it."_

_"Okay, yeah, five years."_

_"I still can't believe that you pushed your dad. I shouldn't be touching you."_

_"It was a reflex. He pushed me first, and I regretted it right away. They put me on the meds that I was on before I got shot. I was so good then."_

_"So you're good now?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Don't be mad at Ari. She's going through something."_

_"She got disowned. They were mad before, but then she told them about Gloria, and they lost it."_

_"Gloria?"_

_"Her girlfriend."_

_"They broke up."_

_"Oh. She didn't say that."_

_"Do you think she needs a place to stay and a place to go on Thanksgiving?"_

_"She's coming to Chicago with me. There's no way that I'm leaving her here with you."_

_"I'm done with that, B."_

_"Yeah, I don't know about that. I thought I was done with...HIM...but I obviously wasn't. You two need space. Besides, Mom got tickets to The Nutcracker. I'm going to take her with me."_

_"Wait...was that my ticket?"_

She turned red and shrugged.

_"You stay here with your family. Pack up the house, next week, you can have me all to yourself."_

_"How's that fair?"_

_"I'll dance the whole show for you, naked if you want."_

_"No, I mean, yes, dance for me, but what I meant was how is it fair that you get to go off to Chicago to have fun without me?_

She sighed and moved her hands to my neck, then to my face. She ignored my flinch and just held my face in her hands.

_"You left because you needed space. Right? I was sucking up all the air in Lima, and you couldn't breathe here?"_

_"Uh, yeah, that's it exactly."_ I smirked. I loved when she got all smart on me. _"How'd you know?"_

_"Because I know you. You came back here to grow up and figure out who you are without me. I came and sucked up all the air, then I kept wanting more of yours."_

_"You did."_

_"I'm glad you stayed sober."_

_"Me too."_

_"If you stayed, I would have pushed you to not be. I feel okay. I was just letting my bitterness take over. I would have hated myself if I pushed you past your limit."_

_"I like to think I'm strong enough not to let you get me down."_

_"But you're not. We are each other's kryptonite."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yup."_

_"So scale from 1-100, how mad are you about Ari?"_

_"1 million."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Uh-huh, but I don't want to hurt you. We've hurt each other enough. I know if I'm at a million, you're at least at a billion. I forgive you."_

_"I'm glad to hear you say that. I'm working on forgiving you. I wish I was there, but I'm not, and I can't lie about it."_

_"Good, be mad at me. I am too. We can get over it together, deal?"_

_"Deal."_

* * *

When we got down to the parking lot, Ari was leaning against her car. There was still no other car in the lot but mine. I looked over to B.

_"Did you walk here?"_

_"I needed the exercise. Talk to Ari, I'll warm up the car."_

_"Okay."_

Britt kissed my cheek and then fist-bumped Ari before getting in my car.

I climbed into Ari's car with her and then pulled her hand into my lap.

She looked at her hand in mine, and then it all came tumbling out.

_"I can't believe I cheated on her."_

_"So, Britt was right. You do have a girlfriend."_

_"I do."_

_"What's going on, Ari?"_

_"I went to see my mom. She's been super devout since Moncho died. He told her about Daniela, and she is convinced that if I'm going to be 'this way' that I should make an honest woman out of you and raise his child, instead of going around with some ex-nun and helping her defy God."_

_"Wait, what?"_

_"Goli...Gloria is a former nun. When she came out to her mom, she was coerced into going into one year of servitude to Christ or something. She became a nun, shaved her head and everything. After a year, she came to NYU, and we fell in love after being the only consistent people at mass."_

_"Like us."_

_"Yeah."_

_"If you love her so much, why did you fuck me?"_

_"Because I wanted to prove to myself that what exists between us isn't the real thing."_

_"That's stupid, Ariana. I thought it was something bigger. Britt says you were disowned."_

_"Well yeah, kind of, but I still show up, and you know Mami, she has too much pride to kick me out. She just talks crap the whole time that I'm there."_

_"So where are you staying because I know you aren't staying there and putting up with that shit?"_

_"With friends, I'm wearing out my welcome. They just had a kid."_

_"I know how that is. At least Britt is taking you away for a bit. You'll have fun in Chicago, and if you still need a place when you get back...you can stay in one of the apartments."_

_"We'll see. Are you mad?"_

_"Not as mad as Britt will be when she finds out the truth."_

_"You can't tell her. I work with her. She's my boss."_

_"You shoulda thought of that before you fucked me, Ari."_

_"I like to think we made love."_ She said, pulling her hand back and running it through her curls.

_"Yeah, let's not say that in front of B. She's learned how to be vindictive from Sue Sylvester, don't test her."_

_"Right, so you should get out then and um not be mad because you know I love you."_

_"I love you too, even if that was fucked up."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Do it again, and you will be."_

* * *

Once I was back in the car with Britt, she sat in the passenger seat and glared at Ari as she pulled out of the lot.

 _"What's the real story?"_ B asked once Ari was gone. Her eyes bore into mine, and I dropped my eyes.

_"Let it go."_

_"You know I can't do that. I'm going to wonder every time you're alone together. I'll wonder when she's dancing, and I'm directing her. I'll make up my own version, which will probably be worse than the truth, so just tell me. Please?"_

I resisted putting the car in drive and turned to her instead.

She looked nervous.

_"They didn't break up. She wanted to see if there was something real between us before she gives into loving this girl."_

_"And was there for her?"_

_"No."_

_"What about for you?"_

I looked away from her, and she gasped. _"Ana, tell me the truth, do you have feelings for her? I need to know."_

_"I'm not in love with her, I love her though, probably more than most people. Almost as much as I love you, like maybe if we never met, she'd be my person, but I did meet you, and my love for you...she can't compare to you, B."_

_"Do you wish that she did?"_

_"No."_ My response was immediate this time. _"Maybe in the beginning, when we were just getting serious, there was a chance, but not anymore. When I was in New York, selling myself and getting my ass beat, it was my love for you that got me through. Not once did I think of Ari. It's always been you, even when I wished it wasn't."_

_"You sound like a prisoner."_

_"Sometimes, I feel like one when you're off your meds or being unreasonable. I know, though, that some of that is you not taking your meds. I've said a hundred times that this marriage will work if you stay on your meds. I'm a prisoner to you not taking care of yourself and leaving me to pick up the pieces. It's not fair to the kids or me."_

_"I know, I've learned my lesson the hard way about not taking the medicine that I need to take. I won't do that again. I'm going to be better."_

_"You've said that before."_

_"I know."_

_"This time, you need to be less talk, more action. Like dancing, don't tell me how to dance...show me."_

I watched the idea take hold in her mind like this was a new concept. _"That makes so much sense. I never thought of it like that."_

_"We aren't completely hopeless, are we, B?"_

_"No, we have the outline. We just need to fill it in."_

_"Have I ever told you how much I love you?"_ I said, leaning in to steal a kiss.

_"Tell me again."_

_"I love you so much."_ I whispered.

_"I love you too."_

* * *

I dropped Britt off at the house, and then I continued straight to the church. I had some things I needed to do. Time with the family would be all I did for the next few days, but I needed to honor my deal with Walker.

After I fucked Sofia, we had a long talk about how I used sex as a means to an end, just to fill a void. I told her about Sugar, Marco, the escorting, and how I got pregnant with Isaac. She didn't judge me. She looked me directly in the eye and made me promise that if I ever had reckless sex, that I'd take my ass straight to a meeting.

Reckless equals meeting...it's a deal that goes both ways, and I'm glad she called me out.

While I loved Ari, the sex had meant nothing to me...there was a brief moment where I was open to allowing it to mean something, but Ari had shut me down, thankfully. Her knowledge of me set me right back on track.

I had admitted it to Britt on the way to the house that I needed to take care of this.

The pride in her eyes was more than I could handle. I just kissed her and slapped her ass before pulling back out of the driveway.

I knew people would have questions. I mean, hadn't I done this exact thing the day before?

They needed to trust me, and this was just a part of that.

I went straight to the church, parked, and sent two texts.

_**I'm here. Meeting starts in 5 minutes. I'll be straight home after-Ana** _

_**Thanks for this morning. I owe myself two meetings for doing two reckless things, going to one now.-Santana** _

_**Sex?-Walker** _

_**Yup.-Santana** _

_**Quinn?-Walker** _

_**Ari and I already told Britt.-Santana** _

_**Good. One step at a time, you got this!-Walker** _

I laughed when Britt sent me a response pic of her with my whole family in the background, all of them making suspicious faces.

_**They want Breadstix, and so do I.-B** _

_**Order and I'll pick it up on my way home!-Ana** _

_**Perfect! Mom and Dad are on the way over with the kids. Izzy loves pesto and breadsticks! Gotta get extra.-B** _

_**I know he does, Mami's boy. GTG, see you soon! xoxo-Ana** _

* * *

When I walked into the meeting, I was nearly knocked over by the force of a hug.

 _"Fuck!"_ I growled, and Rachel jumped back.

_"Sorry, I just missed you!"_

_"Thanks, Berry. I um...missed you?"_

_"I know you're not my biggest fan, but I came back today. My dad's are talking divorce. I bought wine."_

_"Did you drink it?"_

_"I was close."_ From the look of her, she was more than close, but I was going to let her tell me.

_"Well, it's good to see you came here instead."_

_"It's even better because you are the one who convinced me to get sober. I'm so glad you're here!"_

_"Me too. Can we sit now, or do you need to tell me more?"_

_"We can sit."_

_"Thank God!"_

Even though I came off as annoyed, when I sat there, and Rachel took my hand, hers way too sweaty...I knew that God was smirking.

I hadn't planned on coming here, but obviously, divine intervention interceded.

Having her there while Walker was in Columbus helped way more than I would ever admit.

I squeezed her sweaty hand and then let it go, choosing instead to loop my arm through hers.

_"We're gonna be okay, Berry."_

_"I hope so."_

_"Claim it, trust me. It helps."_

_"I'm going to be okay."_

_"Good girl."_

She went silent, and then, just as the group leader started talking, she whispered to me. _"I didn't know bottoms said that."_ And I swear on everything, I wanted to snatch her wig, but instead, I just decided to ignore her.

I was not a bottom.

And then I just couldn't help myself, _"I hear you're bumping uglies with Puckerman, that true?"_

She got pale and stared straight ahead.

 _"Okay, I see that what I said was out of line and none of my business."_ She hiccupped, and I just knew...Finn had said it best, she was the needy, clingy drunk.

_"How much wine did you drink, Berry?"_

_"Whole bottle."_ She said, the hiccups continuing. _"Disappointed?"_

 _"No. I'm glad you came here instead of having another."_ I got up, poured a cup of coffee, and then handed it to her when I sat down. _"Drink that and promise me you'll come back."_

_"Thanks, Santana. I will."_

_"Good. It's gonna be okay, Rachel, we're all a work in progress."_


	17. BEFORE LOVE CAME TO KILL US (Jessie Reyez)

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She doesn't love me like she used to...some of this is an obligation. I could see it in her eyes.

After her shower sex with Ari, she did her makeup, and her eyes were brighter.

The sex with someone other than me had reignited her passion, even if it was shorter than any time we'd been together.

I'd walked into the apartment and followed the sound of her moans. At first, I thought she was just rubbing one out, it's not like I was giving her any love, but I was so very wrong.

I opened the door just slightly, then I heard the little growls and grunts of another person.

_"Fuck, Ari...right there."_

_"Like that?"_

_"Yes, fuck!"_

My chest got tight. I pulled the door closed softly and then went to the living room and let loose on a pillow, punching it with every bit of energy I had.

The tears, though, wouldn't come.

All I could do was try to figure out why this had happened again and with Ari! I'd been occupied with Grady, but I had still seen the way that she looked at Gloria like no one else mattered. What was this?

None of it made any sense.

I filled a glass of water in the sink and faced the wall as I tried to get my head together. The bathroom door opened, and then there were barefooted steps into the kitchen.

 _"Brittany?"_ Ari said. I glanced at her and saw that she had pulled on her clothes over her wet body. Her curls stuck to her face, and her lips were swollen. Ana had been in the mood to bite, which meant she was feeling herself.

This wasn't desperate. Ana had been into it.

I gripped tight to the glass, careful not to break it.

_"Can you leave, please?"_

_"Britt, it meant nothing. It was just comfort, I swear."_

_"I can't be any nicer, please?"_ My voice was harsh.

She didn't say another word. She just grabbed her coat, shoved on her shoes, and left.

When I heard the shower turn off, I felt tears coming, so I went into the kids' room to get myself together.

I buried my face into Izzy's Elmo and let the tears out. I'd hurt her. I'd been so obsessed with everything and everyone around her that I pushed her away.

She loved me.

I couldn't crucify her for this, especially not after she was at my side through all the shit that happened post-Grady.

She earned my devotion, and I had treated her like shit.

If she needed to fuck away her hurt, then she could. I wouldn't stop her because sex was just something she did. It was like scratching an itch. She didn't love those people.

She loved me.

I wiped my eyes and took a million deep breaths before heading out to the kitchen.

When I saw her coming down the hall, she looked down at her phone, when she saw me.

Shame.

Hurt.

Fear.

I hated that she was afraid of me, but that was also something that was my fault.

I regretted many things since her 18th birthday when I thought it would be fun to surprise her with the Juilliard audition. How could she think I wouldn't go to her big party?

If only I hadn't been so secretive, she would have planned her day differently, or maybe she would have come with us.

There are so many times that I wish I could go back and change, but they lead to things I don't think I could live without, like Izzy.

If I had dragged her out of that party instead of storming out, she would not have gotten pregnant.

Same with Dani, if I hadn't been fucking around with Frankie, she wouldn't have felt so comfortable trading sex for her divorce.

Even now, I pissed her off so much that she ran away from me, to Cleveland, and now this.

How could I even be mad at her?

* * *

When she left me at the house with the family, everyone had questions, but I relied on my reputation as a space cadet. A saying that I always thought was dumb, you have to be super smart to become a space cadet, so why do people use that on dumb people?

Maybe everyone is calling me a genius like Ana does?

No, that can't be it. I'm sure they're offending me.

She's the only one, other than my family, who knows I'm not stupid.

Either way, I sent the silly text about the food and then shut myself in the den.

Once I was alone, all I wanted to do was scream.

But I didn't; instead, I picked up Quackers, crawled into bed, and pretended to sleep until it became real.

Every single dream was about Grady and our little caramel drop of a baby.

A baby I'd never see.

Or hold.

Or smell.

Or know.

My fault.

I kept crying out for him to not make me do it, but then there was the sickly smell of lemons.

The sucking noise.

And the cold.

But then I was warm.

The dreams fizzled out, and I was safe.

* * *

 _"Hello? Yes, this is she...you're kidding? How bad?"_ I woke up to Ana's hushed conversation. I was staring at the wall, just listening and trying to hold onto that feeling of safety that I had felt moments before. Maybe she had been holding me before the call came in? _"Okay, thanks for letting me know. I appreciate it. Right, of course. Happy Thanksgiving to you too."_

I was taking deep breaths, trying to push past the panic that was starting to rise up. Then I was being spooned, her arm was around my waist, and she was kissing my shoulder.

 _"Did I wake you?"_ She muttered.

_"Yeah."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"It's fine. Were you smoking again?"_ I asked, and she got stiff. I gripped her arm before she could pull away from me. I had caught her just in time, and her body relaxed. She kissed my neck and shoulder again.

_"Yeah. I had a rough time when I first got back here. The family took all their disappointment out on me. I needed to step out and get my head together."_

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Well...I was. I came in here and snuggled with you, which helped me feel a lot better until the phone rang."_

_"Good. What happened on the call?"_

_"The roof caved in on the lakehouse. So much for our getaway next week."_

_"Wow. I'm glad it happened when we weren't there."_

_"Me too."_

_"Do you need to call someone?"_

_"I have half a mind to let it burn to the ground. I'll call the insurance company in a bit, for now...I need to talk to you about it earlier. Can you look at me?"_

She was insistent, and I knew that there was no pushing past it, so I rolled over and looked into her eyes.

Her makeup was still flawless. The smell of smoke, though, was stronger now that we were almost nose to nose.

 _"You smoked more than one?"_ I asked, and she rolled her eyes.

_"Three."_

_"Are you trying to kill yourself?"_ I blurted out, and she pulled away a little.

_"No."_

_"Are you trying to kill Izzy?"_ I felt the tears coming then, her eyes got wide, and she shook her head.

_"Of course not!"_

_"Are you sure because it feels like you've been trying to kill him since he was in your belly?"_ I don't know where that came from, but I could tell that I had pushed a step too far.

_"Fuck you, B. I love our son with all of my heart."_

_"Then stop smoking, please?"_

_"Okay, I'm sorry...just...can you not throw that shit in my face? I'm an addict...I wasn't thinking about him being a real baby when I was doing that shit. Where is this coming from?"_

_"How can I trust that you'll take care of my babies?"_

_"Oh B, I'll be so much better, I swear."_

_"You swear?"_

Her tell...at least it used to be, she had a new one now. The fear that filled me at the thought of her wasting my eggs by taking terrible care of herself through a pregnancy made me ache. It was like learning I wouldn't have biological children for a second time.

_"I promise, I will treat any future pregnancies like gold. I'll eat right. I'll do whatever needs to be done. I promise you, Britt Britt."_

_"You've lied before."_

I broke against her, burying my face against her chest and sobbing out all the hurt and fear that I had been holding.

She stopped being stiff again and just held me, kissing my hair and face.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Her cries were so painful, fuck.

With every sob, my heart was tearing apart more and more. Shit.

This wasn't a talk about it kind of promise. This was a be about it promise.

I had to show her.

She was soaking my shirt. Her fingers hurt as they dug into my side, but I just kept holding her.

The roof caving in was a sign. That much was obvious. I needed to be with Britt now, not in a week or when we figured ourselves out, now.

Right then, I was just going to hold my best friend.

I was all that she needed. That's what she'd said more than once during this whole ordeal.

Her body trembled, so I reached down and pulled the blanket over us.

_"I'm here, B. Let it out, I'm not going anywhere."_

She cried harder.

I felt them deep down, the tears that I had been holding back for too long. It only took about ten minutes of her tears for mine to come.

My body was shaking as I tried to let her have this moment. Her fingers moved from digging in my side to rubbing my back.

 _"I'm here, baby."_ She said, lifting her face to look at me. She pressed her forehead to mine. _"I miss us. How can we be friends again, like real ones?"_

Her words made me smile.

She wasn't fully broken like everyone thought.

My Britt Britt was still in there.

_"We have to want it bad enough."_

_"I do, do you?"_

_"I do."_

_"Can we go home, to your place...as a family. That's all I want."_

_"Say less, B."_

* * *

Once we were done weeping into each other's arms, we climbed from the bed and slowly began packing up her stuff. She kissed my face whenever she got the chance, and I kissed hers constantly.

We'd be okay...eventually.

I held onto her hand as we made our way into the kitchen.

Everyone was sitting around, prepping food for the holiday and drinking.

Mami was in the center of it all with Daniela in her lap.

I straightened my jacket and went over to her, _"Can I talk to you for a second?"_ I asked; there was a pause in the general conversation, but I didn't look to anyone but my mother.

_"Sure, Mi'ja."_

Britt and I followed Mami out to the foyer, Daniela reached for B, and she hesitated for a moment but then seemed to convince herself that she needed to do this. When Daniela was in her arms, both of them brightened. The baby pressed wet, sloppy kisses to Britt's cheek. I couldn't help but snap a few pictures; we'd need a record that she could still smile.

 _"What's going on?"_ Mami asked.

_"We're going back to the apartment and taking the kids. This is all a bit overwhelming with B just getting out of the hospital. I think we need some family time."_

_"Of course, go have family time. Everyone is staying here tonight, we are going to start making pasteles, and you know how long that takes. Let me know if you need anything."_

_"Thanks, Ma...for everything."_ Britt said. Mami smirked and pressed a palm to Britt's face. It was comical to see Britt have to lean over so much so that my mother could reach her.

_"That's my job, to be a good mom to you both. Take care of each other."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The kids were excited to be reunited with their room; when I put Izzy down, he ran towards his Elmo pile. Dani followed along, in love with her big brother and happy to be able to run around.

Ana was moving around in the kitchen, reheating our portion of the Breadstix and muttering to herself.

I popped my head from the room to check on her and could see that she was actually whispering into the phone.

 _"Who are you talking to?"_ I called out, not expecting her to answer, but she mumbled something and then put the phone to her chest.

_"Three-way with your dad and Walker. The lakehouse falls under our property management. In exchange, they both get to use it. Walker is talking your dad through submitting the claim."_

_"Oh, okay. Will you be done soon?"_

She looked confused for a second, but then she put the phone to her ear and said plainly.

 _"Hey, I need to go have some family time with B and the kids. Do you need me for anything else?"_ She nodded. _"The lock is a combo lock, no need for keys. The combo is 0112."_

She smirked at me. The combo was our wedding anniversary, the real one. When she ended the call, I stormed over to her and kissed her with everything I had. She moaned and kissed me back. It gave me pause that something about the kiss felt different.

All of the kisses since we started kissing again felt like kissing someone new. I didn't know if I had changed or she had.

When I pulled away, she looked dazed and had this dopey grin on her face.

 _"We don't kiss the same."_ I blurted out, and her happy face turned a bit.

_"Huh?"_

_"It's like I'm kissing someone else. I can't figure out if it's because Grady kissed so much be...different than you."_ I corrected and watched her whole world shatter.

_"Better? Was that what you were going to say?"_

_"I don't want to fight, okay? I'm sure one of the hundreds of people you have slept with was better than me. Ari, for instance."_ What was wrong with me? We were happy!

She put on that HBIC glare that always turned me on. She poked her finger against my chest and made sure to dig her nail in.

_"Even if any of those 133 people kissed better than you, I wouldn't ever tell you...do you know why?"_

_"That's not hundreds."_ I muttered, and she tilted her head like she was getting ready to tear me down. She'd asked a question. _"Um, why?"_

_"Because when I am with someone, whoever they are, I try to be with them and just them. Only I never can because no matter how fucking good they are, all I can think about is you."_

_"Oh. I'm sorry."_

_"Not yet, you're not. If you ever bring up that fucker mcfuckerson concerning me, we are done."_

_"Done?"_

_"Yes, I don't compare you to anyone. Not Marco, who was a demon but a good fuck, or Quinn, who is totally psychotic for me to be with but is a good fuck, or Ari, who loves me like it's the end of the world and fucks me into a coma. Don't even get me started on the way Sugar dominates me like it's the only thing she was put on Earth to do."_ I flinched, she'd made her point, and I was near tears.

 _"Please, stop. I'll never bring him up again if you just stop."_ I whimpered, and she nodded, looking way too smug.

_"Look, B, there are only so many restarts that we can do in this relationship. We've done nothing but hurt each other for two years, and I'm tired of it, I want this to work, so I need you to be all in with me or not at all. If you talk about him, that's fine. I get it, you loved him, but the comparison shit is off the table for me. I've had good sex, I've been satisfied, but none of that matters because none of them are you."_

_"Okay, I'm sorry. That won't happen again."_

_"And another thing, I didn't sleep with hundreds of people. It was 133."_

_"Did I call you a slut again?"_

_"Pretty much."_

_"But I thought you liked it when I called you my little slut, though...you get all excited during sexy times."_

_"Sex is different. That's our time to explore and play, but in normal everyday conversation, we keep that shit out of it."_

_"What if we are talking about sexy times?"_

_"Like how?"_

I leaned in and kissed her neck, then just behind her ear before whispering low, _"I miss how good of a slut you are for me. I like how you kneel for me and the way you moan. I like when you're my little slut. I miss your body and the way it does exactly what I want. Don't you want to be mine and mine only, baby?"_

I pulled away, and that dazed look was back in her eyes, so that was okay.

So not in anger then. I could do that.

 _"Yes."_ She said.

There were running footsteps behind me, and I pulled away from her to look down.

Izzy was holding Dani's hand.

 _"Hungy!"_ He said, then he rubbed his tummy.

 _"Eat."_ Dani said, and Ana grinned.

 _"Well, I guess we should feed them. What do you think?"_ She asked me.

 _"They can eat now, and I'll eat later."_ I slapped her ass, and she stood there, stuck. I grinned and then scooped up the kids, plopping them down in their high chairs. _"Chop-Chop, baby!"_ I said, and Ana just nodded.

* * *

_**I'm at the apartment. I forgot my pills, can you bring them?-Brittany** _

_"B? What are you doing?"_ Ana came into the kitchen, where I was supposed to be washing dishes, and put her hands on her hips. _"I just gave those two terrors baths and a snack. All I asked was for you to clean the kitchen."_

I could tell that she wasn't outraged, but she was trying to be.

Honesty was important. She was trying to keep us both from spiraling; I had to help her. I couldn't give her any reason to think that we couldn't make this restart work.

My phone buzzed, and I looked down at it.

**_Sure thing, do you need anything else?-Dad_ **

_**Yes, can you bring my black bin from the back of my closet? Don't look inside!-Brittany** _

_**Would it gross me out if I asked what's inside?-Dad** _

_**Yes.-Brittany** _

I sent the message and then handed the phone over to Ana.

She scowled as she took the phone but then she read it. _"Oh, meds are important."_

_"They are."_

_"Wait, the black bin._ " She looked at me with wide eyes. _"B...that's...I thought you were supposed to be taking it slow?"_

_"I will; my pain isn't bad anymore. Everything I feel is inside my heart and head stuff."_

_"What if he peaks inside?"_

_"He won't."_

_"How do you know that? Oh God, this is embarrassing."_ She put her hand to her head.

_"It has a combination lock on it, from your old gym locker. It's the only thing I took when we graduated."_

_"Oh."_

_"So, go finish getting them ready for bed. I'll clean up out here, then tonight...we play."_ I flirted, feeling like I needed to reclaim her. After Grady and now Ari and whoever else, we needed to get back on the same page with our trust. I had just the thing.

Dad showed up when I was vacuuming the living room, he used his key, and I glared at him for it.

I put my hand out, and he shook his head.

_"I had to lug that heavy bin up these steps, and I knocked several times, but you didn't hear me. I get that you two want your privacy. I respect that and won't use the key again without express permission. Still, as the super of this building, I need access to all the apartments."_

_"Fine."_ He handed me a duffel bag and then put the bin next to the recliner. _"Thanks."_

_"Your mother is in the car. She's demanding that I take her to the Rage Cage and for ice cream."_

_"Hey, Dad's here!"_ Ana came out of the room with Dani in her arms, a blanket was thrown over the both of them. It was crazy how comfortable she was with feeding Dani while doing other things...including hugging my father. He didn't seem fazed by it either.

_"Your wife is giving me a hard time for using my key. She was vacuuming. It's not my fault she didn't hear me."_

_"Go easy on him, B. He's the reason that this building is about to make me a profit when I start renting it out in January."_

_"Wait, this apartment?"_ I asked, feeling blindsided.

_"Yup."_

_"But it's ours."_

_"I know."_

_"But...why would you do that?"_

_"Because Walker is getting a divorce, and she will need a place to stay. I don't trust anyone more than her to take care of this apartment. It will be great since Charlie is starting at McKinley next fall. We don't need this place. Trust me."_

_"But...it's your first apartment."_

_"I'll still own it."_

A horn sounded really loud, and Dad stiffened. _"That's your mother."_

 _"Wait, she didn't come up and say hi?"_ Ana said, looking hurt.

_"No. We are supposed to be giving you two some space, and I've already overstayed. Have a good night. I love you both."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Isaac was already down for the count. He'd had a day with his cousins and now both his moms. All the excitement had exhausted him, so about ten minutes after his jammies were on and Elmo was going on their tv, he passed out, but Daniela was 100% Marco and me...a complete night owl.

A bottle didn't help, warm applesauce just made her giddy, and Elmo was boring to her. There was only one surefire way to get her to sleep through the night, and it was the very thing that I was trying to get her to stop doing.

Breastfeeding.

When I lifted my shirt, she clapped her hands together, and I rolled my eyes.

 _"You're insatiable."_ I muttered, and as if she knew what that meant, she giggled. I latched her on, and she gripped my boob with her little fists, adding to the pain of her teeth against my nipple. _"Keep biting, and you'll have blood to go with your milk, kid."_

Seeing Rob bickering with B was amusing. I had no problem with him having a key and using it. I needed to have that awareness that I could be interrupted at any moment. It kept me from feeling like I could lock myself in here and bury my nose in a mountain of cocaine.

Once he was gone, Britt went back to vacuuming, and the bite to my nipple nearly knocked me to my knees. Now that there was most definitely blood, she seemed to be sucking harder. This kid was either a sadist or a vampire. The jury was out.

 _"Shit!"_ B's head snapped towards me.

_"Are you okay?"_

_"She's scared of the vacuum."_ I groaned, and B stopped.

_"I don't need to do this right now."_

_"The damage is done. You might as well finish."_

_"No. I love your nipples. I don't want her to bite it off. I'll just start looking through the bin."_

I felt hot at the prospect of her opening that bin...ever since Ari had gotten me going, I had been soaked.

When she realized there was no impending noise, Daniela stopped gripping my boob so tight.

I moved the blanket and checked in on her.

Her eyes were barely open as she casually sucked.

 _"This one is almost done. Take that bin to the room."_ I looked up at the smoke detector. My sister had been busy while I was at my meeting. The light was back. _"See that light up there?"_

Britt looked up.

_"Yeah."_

_"Camera."_

_"Oh. So no sexy time out here?"_

_"No more sex tapes, B. Especially not ones that my sisters or mom could possibly see."_

_"Fine...ya boring."_ She said before sticking out her tongue.

_"You say that now, but that bin says otherwise."_

Now it was her turn to blush. Good.

* * *

After getting Daniela in bed, I went straight to the shower.

I was not surprised when the curtain was pulled back as I washed my hair. Britt was jealous of Ari being in here with me. The shower and the bathtub were our things; I had hoped that she would show up, which is why I was taking my sweet time.

 _"Hey, baby."_ I said before stepping under the water. I watched Britt watching me while I washed the soap out of my hair. "Coming in?"

She looked like she was going to start drooling any second. We'd come a long way from her being depressed in the bathtub the day before. The bruising was still there, but she seemed less self-conscious about it.

 _"Where did she do it?"_ She asked. I pointed to the back wall, and she nodded her head towards it. _"Go over there, face the wall."_

_"Okay."_

Once I was facing the wall, the curtain closed, and she was standing pressed against me. I moaned when her hands massaged my hips.

_"Are you hurting at all?"_

_"No. She was g-"_ I began to say, but then she was pushing a ballgag between my lips.

So that's the kind of night she wanted.

It'd been a while.

Since before Marco.

 _"No comparisons. Understand."_ I nodded. _"Good, put your foot up on the ledge."_ I lifted up my leg and dropped my forehead forward when her fingers slid into me. I was grateful then for something to bite into. The last thing I wanted was to wake the kids with my moans.

Britt was gentle but firm as she worked me to the edge before starting all over again.

I trembled and threw my ass back at her touch, but she wouldn't push me past that edge.

It was fucking infuriating, but I needed to trust her.

That's what this was about, and I hated to love it.

But fuck if I did.

This was the old Brittana, just us playing around without worrying.

My mind was slipping into a space of total submission. I leaned back against her when she reached around to rub my clit and reveled in the way she held me there with her arm around my middle.

 _"I need us to get back to this...to where you trusted me with your body. Back to when you trusted me to know what you needed, but after I nearly killed you, I know that this sexy time is only the beginning of your trust. Sex is just sex for you...even with me."_ I nodded as she took me towards the edge. _"Which is why we need to go back to this...me working you up to trust little by little. After this...you'll do what you need to do for me to start trusting you with me again."_ I nodded again, even though my mind was barely hanging on.

Cards up...all trust.

That's what she was asking for, and that was something I was finally mature enough to give.

I could be transparent now; it was necessary for my life now. Rehab had stripped me down and made me comfortable with being open. I wasn't the one to worry about...she was.

My mind had drifted, and a quick swat to my inner thigh brought me right back.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I got so lost in her whimpers and moans that I nearly forgot to let her orgasm. When she finally came, she dropped back against me and nuzzled my neck.

Normally, I'd carry her, but I was nervous to try.

 _"Baby, I can't lift you."_ I kissed her neck, and she nodded. I watched her shakily step out of the shower and then stumble out of the bathroom. She looked back at me, wanting to talk, and I smirked at her. _"Keep that in...I'm not done with you yet. Go dry off and get in bed."_

I watched her walk away and then turned the shower back on, cleaning myself quickly before following her into the room.

By the time that I got to her, she was lying there, asleep.

I dug back into the bin and pulled out a soft black paddle, and twirled it in my hand.

She'd been through hell with Marco since we'd last used this, so I knew I had to be careful.

Being in that den had started a shit show of emotions and sent her to Cleveland, so I wasn't going to make her feel overwhelmed like that again.

I trailed the paddle down her back, and she let out a moan.

_"Baby?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"I got the paddle. Do you want me to use it?"_

She lifted her head and peered back at me, then at the paddle, she shrugged. _"Mmmhmm."_ She wiggled her ass, and I knew that I was in the clear.

With her approval, I used it, but I was careful not to hit her too hard. With each slap, she'd groan and then give me a wiggle again.

I went on like this until her ass turned red.

When I touched it, the skin burned, but she let out a loud groan.

Approval.

I slid my fingers into her, and she backed up, resting on her knees to give me more access.

My heartfelt so happy. She was just giving herself to me without hesitating. I didn't feel like I deserved this much trust, but obviously, she did.

I promised myself then that I would cherish each bit of trust that she gave me.

Even if I didn't feel like I deserved it.

* * *

By the time that I took the gag off of her, I'd given her at least four orgasms. I spooned her and kissed her shoulder.

_"Go pee, baby."_

_"Don't wanna."_

_"But you have to. You don't want a UTI again, do you?"_

_"That was one time."_ She muttered, hugging a pillow to her chest.

_"Yes, because you always make sure to pee."_

She threw the pillow and rolled from the bed, her eyes barely open as she stumbled back to the bathroom.

When she came back, she was brushing her teeth and held out a toothbrush for me.

I guess I brought that on myself.

We stood in front of the bathroom mirror, leaning against each other while we brushed. She was effortlessly beautiful. I'd always felt prettier by just standing next to her. It was just who she was, a light that highlighted all of my dark places.

And I loved her.

So fucking much.

After rinsing our mouths, she turned towards me and pressed a kiss to my lips. Her fingers traced up and down my side. It made me giggle.

 _"I love you."_ I whispered.

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"Hey!"_

_"I love you too, B."_

_"Promise?"_ I held up my pinky, and she wrapped hers around mine then lifted her other pinky.

_"Double time."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

For the first time since rehab, I slept in.

Britt got up with the kids and made breakfast while I lounged in bed making calls.

Walker called me to discuss plans to make plans.

Mami called me to come to finish packing.

And Z called me because apparently, I hadn't been clear about working hours during the holidays.

Pretty much, I had shit to deal with, and I couldn't take a day off.

Not yet.

Britt, though, seemed content to veg.

_"Go be a super businesswoman. I have babies to bond with."_

_"Are you sure?_ " I asked when I finally rolled out of bed to eat the pancakes that she'd made me.

_"Positive. This is what parents are supposed to do, support each other. If I need anything, I'll just bother my parents."_

_"Okay. I'm heading to the Lima Bean to talk with the staff and Walker in the spirit of accountability. Then we will hit up a meeting before going to the strip mall to talk to the owners there. Then if I'm up for it, I'll food shop. It's a crazy week to do it because of Thanksgiving, but our fridge is looking bare."_

_"Oh, cool! Then I can cook for you again."_

_"Actually, B, I've got a pizza craving a mile wide."_

_"Then I'll order pizza."_

_"Perfect."_

* * *

When I saw Walker, I almost didn't recognize her. Gone were her long locks replaced with a shaggy pixie cut but like, the lesbian adult one. It made her face stand out.

 _"You look beautiful."_ I said, and then I pulled her into a hug. She squeezed me back and then patted my ass, I let out a hiss, and she smirked.

_"Don't flirt. Is your ass okay?"_

_"Yeah...had a fun night."_ I said, and her smile got even bigger.

_"Nice. You needed it. You have been so whiny since I made you stop fucking Sofia."_

_"I have needs."_

_"Don't we all."_

_"So what brings you back from Columbus?"_

_"Charlie, he left his skateboard, and his cousins are all being stingy little douchebags. So I said fuck it, I needed to see you anyway...so I'm here, getting him his board."_

_"Why didn't you just buy him a new one?"_

_"Something about the tires needing to be broken in, I don't know, the kid was adamant, and Parker invited Heather, so she's in Columbus."_

_"Which is why you're here."_

_"Exactamundo."_

_"And the haircut?"_

_"Heather hates women with short hair."_

_"Say less."_ I chuckled.

After ordering food, we sat in a booth, and Walker pulled out an outline.

_"I took the liberty of drawing up some questions to make writing out your business plan a cinch."_

_"About that, what's the policy about vacation time here?"_

_"We always closed early on Thanksgiving and opened early the day after. We closed on Christmas morning, open in the afternoon."_

_"Okay, I like that."_

_"Good because it's kinda late to make a change. What are you doing for the Rage Cage?"_

_"No idea."_

_"Do you have people who want to work?"_

_"Yeah, Z says there's a girl who asked for extra hours since she can't make it home for the holiday."_

_"I say you should stay open that night, send her dinner, and maybe pop in with the family for ice cream. It's cold outside, but you have the Lima Bean hot chocolate at your disposal."_

_"The expensive shit?"_

_"Yeah. I was thinking of having some cross-training the two businesses. It would be cool to have coffee and hot chocolate that advertises your other business."_

_"That's genius."_

_"I know."_

* * *

_**How's it going, baby?-B** _

_**Good. Just left my meeting. Heading to the Rage Cage. How are you?-Ana** _

_**Good. Kids just ate and are down for a nap. Quinn is here studying and talking my ear off about Ceily-B** _

_**Eww.-Ana** _

_**It's good. It's the first time w/o pity-B** _

_**Progress! I miss you!-Ana** _

_**I miss you too!-B** _

_**My butt hurts-Ana** _

_**Sorry :(-B** _

_**I've had worse from you ;)-Ana** _

_**Really? So I needed to do more?-B** _

_**No! That was a nice start.-Ana** _

_**You'll let me know if you need more?-B** _

_**Wiggle Wiggle-Ana** _

_**;)-B** _

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

By the time Ana got home, I was exhausted and more than grateful that Quinn insisted on taking the kids for the night.

I was able to do some laundry and finish the vacuuming that I had started the night before.

After cleaning, I was super sweaty and was tempted to wait for Ana to come home to repeat our shower, but I had different plans.

The next day we'd be going to her mom's for Thanksgiving and then hopefully, going to Chicago for the weekend.

I had already planned ongoing with Ari, but she hasn't answered my calls, so now I think that I should just ask my wife on a date.

We've never done Chicago as a couple, so I spent my time after my shower getting all the facts together to hopefully convince her that we should go.

But when she got home, her face was sad, and her makeup was a mess. She'd been crying again.

_"Hey, what's going on? We just texted like two hours ago!"_

_"I um...had a video chat with Doc, it was a heavy session."_ I pulled her into a tight hug and felt relieved when she relaxed against me.

_"What can I do to make it better?"_

_"I dunno, where are my babies?"_

_"Across the hall with Q. She insisted."_

_"But...but...they've barely seen me today."_

_"Okay, but neither have I."_

She shrugged and nodded. _"Fair point."_

_"How about you go take off those clothes, and I'll get a bubble bath started for you?"_

_"Can it be for us?"_

_"Sure, baby...whatever you need. I gotchu!"_ She grinned, and I poked my finger into her dimple. _"You're cute."_

_"I know."_

There was no way we were going to talk about Chicago. Maybe we could go another day, let my parents have the tickets or my cousins...here was where we needed to be, taking it moment by moment.

* * *

Normally when we are in the tub, I sit in the back and hold Ana, but this time around, she insisted on holding me.

 _"But why?"_ I whined.

_"You said today, you'd start working on trust...I need you to trust that I've got your back, B."_

So I did. I sat there and let her soap up my back and shoulders, then she rinsed me off and pulled me close.

_"Thanks."_

_"Tell me what you need, Britt Britt. What is it that I'm not giving you that you keep looking for?"_

I tensed up, but she just held me. _"You sure you wanna know?"_

_"I am."_

_"This...you don't take care of me like I take care of you."_

_"I'll do better."_

_"Do you know how?"_

_"If you teach me, then I'll know."_

_"Oh, right, okay."_

_"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?"_ She asked, and I did tense this time.

_"How'd you know?"_

_"I could see it in your eyes when I got home, you were all amped up to talk to me about something, and I rained all over your parade."_

_"Yeah, you did."_

I hummed Rain on My Parade, and she giggled.

_"I could sing that song ten times better than Berry, for the record."_

_"I know, baby."_

_"Tell me."_

_"I wanted to talk about Chicago, I thought we could have a whole date night and do the nutcracker, but now, I don't know...maybe we could go another time."_

_"Why'd you change your mind?"_

_"My gut just tells me that we should stay home...that you need to be here."_

_"Look at me."_ I turned to look at her. Those beautiful browns were staring deep at me. _"For our wedding anniversary, we'll fly to Chicago and go big."_

_"We'll fly? Does that mean you're coming back home?"_

_"It does."_

This time, I turned completely. This was too big of a conversation to have without seeing her. _"When?"_

_"Walker has convinced me that the sooner, the better would be good. She wants to start the new year fresh, in a new apartment, with a new job, and moving over winter break would be best. I agreed."_

_"But we don't have a place."_

_"I know."_

_"Where will we go?"_

_"I have a few virtual appointments coming up. There's a few penthouses that I think would be perfect, but I'm going to need your help picking it out."_

_"Really?!"_ I was so excited.

_"Yup."_

_"Sweet. What about furniture? Can I help pick that too?"_

_"Yeah, B. This will be our home...yours and mine that we pick together, every single step."_

_"Thanks, Ana banana."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Lima got hit with a blizzard on Thanksgiving night, which meant that we were snowed in at my father's house and couldn't make it back to the apartment.

My sisters had put on Marc Anthony and decided that it was a great time pack.

Like the wise person that I am, I decided that no one could clear out the treehouse like I could.

When it had been built, Papi had them install a roof that went from our house to the treehouse, which meant that the snow wasn't in the way.

 _"Are you sure about this?"_ Britt asked me from inside my old bedroom.

_"Yeah. It won't take long for some stupid teenagers to find their way up to the abandoned treehouse behind an empty house."_

_"So what difference does it make if you take the stuff out?"_

_"Memories, B. I don't want them touching my shit."_

_"Fine, be quick. I'll be in here boxing up the last of your closet."_

_"Okay."_

I wrapped the coat tight around myself and made the jump to the porch of the treehouse. I stooped down and pushed open the door. It had been forever since I had been in here, maybe since Ian's funeral two years before.

The squirrels had left nuts on the blanket fort, and a few field mice had begun to tear at the fabric curtains. I started there, taking down the curtains in one of the two windows.

My chest got tight as I pulled the fabric down. I bit down on my lip and folded the curtain before tossing it onto the pallet on the floor. My mouth was dry, so I turned my back and went to the other window, and started the process over again.

There were bands around my lungs as the panic attack hit me.

Fuck.

I leaned back against the wall and tried to get myself together, but it was useless. My body was shaking, and I wasn't sure if it was from the winter cold or the drugs lining the windowsills.

There was so much.

Marco had never given me the coke that I bought off of him...the stuff inside the piano all that time ago wasn't even all of it...this was, though.

Time was only a concept as I kept myself in place, too afraid of what the addict in me would do if I moved.

I heard the creak of the bedroom windows, and I wiped at my face, the tears that tracked down my cheeks stung.

 _"Baby? It's been like an hour, are you okay?"_ Britt's voice was just on the other side of the wall on the porch. She pushed the door open, and I didn't move. _"What are you doing? Are you crying? What's wrong?"_

I looked at her, and the only thing that left me was a sob. I was hunched over with my hands on my knees as I tried catching my breath.

 _"Sorry sorry sorry."_ I muttered.

She looked around, and then I heard her gasp.

_"What the fuck?!"_

_"I didn't...I can't m-move. F-Fuck!"_ My stutter surfaced, and I sobbed harder.

 _"Okay, come on...just a hop back into the room...look at me!"_ She snapped, and I looked up at her, there was fear in her eyes, but she was taking charge. _"I got you, Ana. Do you hear me?"_

I nodded. _"Mmmhmm."_

_"You go first, come on."_

I nodded as she helped me stand all the way, then I left the treehouse and stood on the edge of the porch. The little jump seemed much bigger now, like miles bigger. I turned back against B and buried my face against her chest.

She didn't try to make me; instead, she put her hand under my butt, stretched those long fucking legs, and carried me over the distance to the window frame. Once we were standing on the window bench inside my room, she yanked the window closed.

The light was still on in the treehouse, but that was the least of her concern.

I had withdrawn, and I knew it. Britt, though, had been in this darkness way too recently not to understand.

 _"I'm sorry."_ I whispered. _"So sorry."_

 _"Did you take any?"_ She asked me, her eyes searching mine.

_"No."_

_"You didn't touch it?"_

_"No."_

_"Okay. Good. I believe you, okay."_

_"Yeah."_

_"I n-need a m-meeting."_ I shook, and she just nodded, like there wasn't a blizzard outside, and we could just go. Instead, she sat me down on the edge of my bed and pulled out her phone.

The sound of Walker's voice was immediate.

_"Uh...Brittany?"_

_"I know it's Thanksgiving. I wouldn't have called you if it wasn't important."_

_"Yeah, I know. What's going on?"_

_"She needs a meeting, and the snow has shut everything down."_

_"Oh, okay, let me step away...give me a second. Did something happen?"_

I started sobbing again while I thought about the coke and everything that happened for it to exist.

Then I was thinking of Marco fucking me against the floor, pinning my broken arm to the ground.

My chest hurt as I cried.

 _"Yes. We were packing, and she found a lot of stuff...she's sober still, but she's scared."_ Britt said, and Walker was quiet for a long moment.

_"Put her on."_

Before handing me the phone, Britt crouched down and wiped at my cheeks. _"Do you want me to stay here with you?"_

_"Don't l-leave me...it's...right there...stay?"_

_"I'm not going anywhere, I promise."_ She kissed me and then handed the phone over.

* * *

Britt sat by my side while I talked to Walker.

Her hand gripped mine while we said the serenity prayer, and I cycled through all of my fears, all while my family was downstairs partying.

 _"I was good. How can I got to Ne-New York like this?"_ I said to Walker after she'd talked me through my tears.

_"You will be an addict no matter where you go, Santana. You just need to keep working at it, keep going to meetings and therapy. We all go through lows like this, this divorce has taken its toll, and it was meetings, talking to you, and keeping my routine that helped me keep moving."_

_"Me?"_

_"Yes. I was going to sell my part of the business and make a run for it with Charlie. God only knows where we would have ended up and if I would have stayed sober. I felt desperate. You grounded me by keeping me on as the supervisor over all the businesses. You are giving me a place to live that isn't dependent on Heather. You are giving me things to be accountable for. Britt, when she gets to New York, it will be on you to help her find things to be accountable for there...other than the kids. Trust me."_

_"Okay, I can do that."_

_"Good. Now, you should let Hector know so that he can take care of it. Santana needs to be on the opposite end of the house."_

_"Thanks, friend."_ I said to Walker, and she grinned.

_"We're family now, sober buddies for life."_

I burst out in laughter at her fist pump. The anxiety lifted a bit after hanging up with her.

 _"There's a dance party happening downstairs that I am not a part of."_ Britt said to me, looking outraged. _"There's no way I can do it without my favorite dance partner, though."_

 _"Me?"_ I squeaked.

_"Forever and always, boo-boo."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was freaking out inside. I had really started to forget just how much coke demolished her confidence when she was resisting it. She was fragile and shaking. I knew that I couldn't feed her to the wolves like this.

She looked like Izzy when he was in trouble, her eyes big and her lip trembling. At any other time, this would be adorable. Still, I knew she was terrified of losing progress or going back to rehab.

I pulled her into the bathroom and lovingly wiped her mascara tears away.

There was only one thing that made her feel confident in moments like this. _"Look at me."_ I whispered.

 _"Sorry, B."_ She said.

I pushed my hand into her sweatpants, and her eyes got sharper. _"Do you want me to stop?"_ I asked.

_"No."_

_"I wish I could let you have me, but I'm still achy...but I don't mind making you mine as many times as I need to. You don't belong to coke. You belong to me."_ I growled, and she shivered as I pushed into her.

I watched, fascinated as she gave in to the good feelings flooding her body.

She gripped the countertop and threw her head back. I took that as an invitation and began to nibble along her collarbone and her neck.

_"Fuck, harder, B...please?"_

I wasn't sure what thing she meant. My hands were already cramping with the force I was using, but she pushed my face harder against her neck. So I bit down, and she groaned.

 _"You need pain?"_ I whispered.

_"Yes...please?"_

_"I wish I had my paddle."_

_"Fuck, me too...just use your hand."_

She leaned against me, giving me access to her ass.

As much crazy shit we had done in high school, we had never had a whole play session in this very bathroom.

While the music pulsed below us, I fucked her and spanked her until she was biting into a towel to muffle her screams.

* * *

By the time we got downstairs, more than one of her sisters was drunk, so they didn't notice the way I was practically carrying Ana down the steps.

Gladys, though was always aware of Ana these days.

She met us at the bottom of the stairs with a concerned look on her face.

_"Everything okay?"_

_"Where's Hector?"_ I asked her, and she tilted her head towards the kitchen.

_"We were having café in the kitchen. The kids are in Aden's office with Mari and Saul, watching movies...do you need him?"_

She kept waiting for Ana to speak, but she wouldn't; instead, she had her head on my shoulder and held tight to my arm.

I leaned towards her ear, _"Baby, you need to keep breathing and talk to your mom. She loves you."_

She nodded, and then she opened her arms for her mom.

Gladys looked at me wide-eyed and then took Ana into her arms like she was her little girl again. The moment she was in Gladys' arms, she began crying again.

_"Come into the kitchen, Mi'ja. I got you."_

I followed behind them, and when we got into the kitchen, I slid the doors closed, shutting the four of us in.

 _"Hey, what's going on?"_ Hector said, standing when he saw my wife hanging off her mom.

When he saw there weren't any answers from the two of them, he looked at me.

_"She was cleaning the treehouse when I realized she'd been gone for way longer than it should have; I went in after her. She had a panic attack. There a lot of cocaine up there. I don't think she was expecting it. We had a meeting with Walker already...can you get rid of it?"_

Gladys looked furious, but Hector looked heartbroken. He hadn't really been around for the drug binges and Marco's abuse; finding out after he could really do anything made him upset when it came up.

_"Absolutely; in the meantime, you two should stay down here tonight."_

_"No!"_ Ana snapped. Down here meant the den, and she was not about traumatizing herself anymore.

_"Mi'ja, you can stay in the office, one of the couches pullout. Okay?"_

She looked at me, and I nodded, so she relaxed. _"Okay."_ She muttered.

Once Hector left me in the kitchen, I stood there watching as Gladys and Ana talked in hushed whispers, my wife breaking down every few seconds. She said something to her mom and then looked over at me.

_"B...can you go check on the kids...I need to talk to my mom. Please?"_

I remembered kicking her out of the den so that I could be with my dad and how she spiraled when really I just needed to have a moment to gather myself without worrying her. That must have been what she needed right at that moment too.

So I went over to her and kissed her face, then I got to eye-level.

_"I will be right in the study with Mari and the kids, getting us set up for tonight. I love you, and I trust you, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

_"I'm proud of you for fighting however you could. You're a work in progress. I love you."_

She leaned forward and kissed me again before giving me a shy smile.

We'd be okay even if it felt like the universe was out to get us.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"I haven't seen you this broken down in a long time. I was hoping that I'd never see you like this again."_

I buried my face in my arms on the countertop and listened to my mother fuss over me.

She insisted on giving me food and coffee, just like Abuela had always done.

I was too skinny. Even when I was pregnant, it was always you're too frail and weak. Mami had never phrased it that way, but Abuela sure did.

 _"It just...made me feel like I'll never be r-ready."_ I said, sitting up finally.

_"Sometimes, you'll never be ready. You just gotta make a run for it."_

_"Huh? What happened to st-staying the course."_

_"Fuck that."_ I was taken back by her words. I sat up fully and took a long sip of my coffee. I really needed a cigarette to go with the coffee, but I didn't have any here, and I had promised B that I would stop.

_"What are you saying?"_

_"You need to leave here when I do."_

_"Mami, that's in three days. I have obligations here."_

_"And you have money to fly back and forth if you need to. Walker has it under control, that's what you said."_

_"I know."_

_"You four need to get out of this town and get back to your lives."_

_"We don't have a home in New York, Mami. Remember?"_

_"Don't be ridiculous. You'll stay at your house until you find a place. You haven't even picked it up yet, so it's really us that don't have a home yet until you're cleared out."_

_"Right."_

_"So, pack it up and go home. You and Brittany can look for places together, you can go to your meetings right down the street, and you'll have Hector and me back you up with the kids. It's a win-win for everyone."_

_"Okay, I'll t-talk to B."_

_"Good."_

* * *

I didn't stick around to see how Pa got rid of the coke; instead, I kissed Mami's face before heading down the hall to the study. My body was still shaking, but I knew it would pass.

After a few deep breaths, I pushed the doors open and had to stop short.

Papi's old desk was gone, and his bookshelves were empty.

The tears came back, but I quickly wiped them away when I saw Britt lying down on the pullout with both of the kids reading them a story.

Mari was on the other couch with baby Norah and Saul, all of them asleep.

I walked softly and crawled into the bed behind Isaac. He looked up at me and smiled before gripping my shirt in his little fist.

Message received, now that I was here, he expected me to stay put.

Britt kept on reading with an excited voice even though only Isaac was still awake. Daniela clung to Britt's side, drooling and snoring.

 _"We're moving back to New York on Sunday."_ I said to her, and she looked at me for only a second before nodding. Then she went back to the book like I had just told her water is wet.

Which she would argue, but that's beyond the point.

Isaac's hold lessened, and then he was snoring too.

Britt reached across our kids and touched my face. I looked at her and felt the shaking calm.

_"What's the plan?"_

_"Moving back to the house until we find a place. It means living with Mami and Hector. Are you okay with that?"_

_"As long as it's temporary."_

_"It will be."_

_"Then it's fine. It's close to work and your meetings."_

_"I know."_

_"Will we be ready to move by then?"_

_"Yeah, I'll just get our stuff from the apartment moved here, then when we are ready, I'll get movers."_

_"Okay."_

_"You're not even going to fight it...not even a little?"_

_"Nope. A wise woman taught me to give temporary things permanent feelings."_

_"I said that?"_

_"No, Court did."_

_"That kid was wise beyond her years. I miss her."_

_"Me too."_

_"Will your parents be okay without us leaving?"_

_"Mom and Dad want us to go. They are staying in Lima for us. You gave dad the flexibility to move around, and with Court being buried back home, they want to be close to visit her grave more. They are supposed to be looking at places in Chicago near my grandparents this weekend."_

_"Oh. That's good, I guess...I didn't mean to keep them here."_

_"Don't do that, they were stuck here until they found work in Chicago, because of you, they don't have to worry about that."_

_"Thank you for being there for me tonight, B."_

_"I love you. I will always work as hard as I can to be there for you, just like you do for me."_

_"And thanks for...you know...helping me focus."_ I winked at her, and she blushed.

_"My pleasure."_


	18. fake smile (Ariana Grande)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Saul snores like a fucking bear, and somehow, I was the only person in the room that couldn't sleep through it, and believe me, I tried.

I replaced my spot on the bed with pillows to keep Isaac from rolling onto the floor, and then I left the office, searching for a place to breathe.

The kitchen light was on, and since it was the middle of the night, I wasn't surprised to see Mami sitting all alone, going over case files and drinking coffee.

I was never sure when she slept, but it never seemed to be when everyone else did.

My instincts had me wanting to go upstairs to find coke remnants in the treehouse. If not that, I was sure that there was at least something in the basement wine cellar, but I ignored those instincts.

There were way too many people in this house to fuck up.

Marco had trained me better.

I had to move with intention with self-preservation always at the forefront of my mind. After my disappearing act, I knew that my whole family was on high alert, as was Walker.

So, even though I didn't want to talk, I went into the kitchen anyway.

Mami had her glasses perched on her nose and was taking notes. Her left hand flew across the page, and it made me smile. She was the only other person in the family that was a lefty. She was the one who taught me to write with confidence.

Isaac favored his left hand from what I had seen so far. If he did turn out to be left-handed, I would do the same thing with him. I'd teach my children to embrace themselves in all the ways that made them special.

 _"Don't stare at me, either come sit or take your butt to bed, don't be rude."_ Mami said, her hand still going.

How did she do that?

I walked to the stove and grabbed the percolator, bringing it to the island. I quietly fixed my coffee while Mami went right on working.

Normally, I let lingering silences exist between us, but I needed to talk.

I pulled my rosary from beneath my shirt and bowed my head, taking a moment to pray while I waited for an opening with my mother.

She cleared her throat and put her pen down. I finished my rosary and then looked up at her. I did not smile.

I had done that enough for the last few months, and tears were also off the table.

Right then, all I needed was to talk to the most rational person that I knew.

* * *

Mami tucked her yellow legal pad into the file and then closed it. She folded her hands on top and then looked at me with that questioning stare of hers.

 _"Hector got everything."_ She said. Feelings of shame and regret covered me. There were no feelings of relief.

_"Okay."_

_"Do you think there is anymore in the house? Be honest with me."_

_"I have no idea, Mami."_ She nodded. I could see her mind working on the next question, but I spoke first. _"I resisted going to search just now. I can't promise you that I won't look at some point."_

_"Is there anything at your apartment?"_

_"No."_

_"Do you need me to stay with you until you leave?"_

_"I don't think so. I know how to be clean, Mami. In rehab, I had the chance to get high...the drugs were right there, and I chose to say something. This summer, I had a brick of coke in my hands, and I still didn't take it. I got rid of it. Right now, I feel like shit. I'm tired, I am overwhelmed, and I am having a tough time managing my expectations."_

_"What can I do?"_

_"Right now, if you could distract me, that would help."_

The grin that spread across her face was almost maniacal. _"That, I can do."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yes."_ She turned on her tablet and scrolled through some things; then she slid it across the island towards me.

I read over the email before opening the attachment. _"This is a contract. Why is this necessary?"_ I muttered.

_"It is. Came through this morning, but with Thanksgiving dinner and the chaos of everything, I haven't had a chance to discuss it with you."_

_"Why didn't it go to Sal?"_

She shrugged. _"You have two lawyers, Mi'ja. Mercedes sent it to the one she knows. Besides, he is a bit overwhelmed. On the other hand, I have reached a point in my career where I can be selective. Contract work does the job, and I prefer not arguing in front of a jury. So, what do you think?"_

_"She's contracting me to write music for her...but why?"_

_"Because she wants to pay you."_

_"I already told her that she didn't need to...she should save her money."_

_"If Azimio or Walker or Rob told you that, would you listen?"_

_"Well, no. They should be paid for their work."_

_"Exactly."_

_"Right...so I should sign it?"_

_"Of course, Mercedes has always been one of my favorites of your friends. If I could trade one of them for her, I would do it in a heartbeat."_

_"But you love Quinn, right?"_ I asked, and she waved me off.

_"That girl is practically your sister, your sexual dalliances aside. She is NOT who I was referring to."_

_"Okay, so what's the breakdown?"_

_"She wants to pay you to assist in writing her album, which I think is a great job for you right now. You're going to be at home with the kids, and writing music will keep you occupied. Routine is paramount for you. I don't think there are any losers in this situation."_

_"So you think that I, someone who is struggling with addiction, should commit myself to a contract?"_

_"Yes. Nena, you deserve this. Don't become defined by your mistakes. You are a businesswoman, a philanthropist, a good mother, and a wife."_

_"Not a good wife, though."_

_"I've seen worse."_

_"Gee, thanks."_

* * *

_"How are you feeling about moving back to New York?"_ Mami asked after I signed the contract. Her mood had shifted slightly, which meant that she wouldn't glaze over the looking for drugs in the house thing.

_"Anxious but hopeful."_

_"Cautious optimism, then?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Do you want to write a list of things you hope to accomplish when you get back?"_

_"Now?"_

_"Yes, when I leave you to figure things out on your own, you take an unnecessary amount of detours, but when you have an actual direction to go with your ambition, you're unstoppable. There were many times where I should have done better directing you. As your mother, I have failed."_ I opened my mouth to placate her, but she held up her hand to stop that noise. _"I am not seeking pity. I'm working to course correct. You don't stop being a mom just because your children are grown."_

_"Okay, then let's do it."_

She pulled her legal pad back out and folded a few of the pages back before picking up her pen.

_"Let's get started."_

_"Wait...is this a list of a contract because you only put legal stuff on that paper. I remember getting scolded for using it for music notes."_

_"Yes. You got me, this is an agreement between us, on your next steps."_

_"What are the consequences of breaking this agreement?"_

_"Spoken like a woman who has spent her life surrounded by lawyers."_

_"In more ways than one."_ I quipped, but she didn't appreciate the reminder that I had spent a little too much time dealing with Marco's associates.

_"The consequences can be of your choosing."_

_"Are you sure about that?"_

_"Yes, as long as the punishment or consequences match the action or lack thereof."_

_"That's reasonable."_

_"I know."_

Mami's distraction of a to-do list kept me focused on what my next steps were for over an hour. I wrote for so long that my hand began to cramp, and the sun began to rise. She left me at the island counter and began to make breakfast.

When I finally finished, I could hear the stirrings of the house. I slid the pad back across the island face down. She grinned and came back over with fresh cups of coffee.

 _"How do you feel?"_ She asked me as I sipped from my cup.

I took a moment to collect my thoughts and found that the heaviness that had been plaguing me wasn't as heavy.

_"Relieved to have it all written out."_

_"Good. Did you give thought to the consequences?"_

_"I did, and I wrote them down next to each item. I'm sure you'll make it neater, and when you do, I'll sign it."_

* * *

The list was only five items long, but I had added details with each item.

For instance, I committed myself to move into a new place by December 15th so that we could be in a new home for Daniela's first birthday. The consequence of not doing that was allowing my mother to choose where we lived. I made sure to make the consequences things that I absolutely didn't want.

I had made a promise to Britt that she and I would decide on where to live and that it would be just OUR home in a way that the house had never been, and I planned to do everything in my power to keep that promise.

Getting my short term goals written down made me feel like I had a say in what came next, even though the way I was leaving Lima was not in the way that I planned; I'd reached a point that begged me to move on, and I knew that I needed to do what was best for my family. My kids needed stability, and come hell or high water, and I was committed to giving them that.

Mami picked up the legal pad and chuckled as she read. Then she picked up a pen, crossed out some things, and underlined others before tearing out the sheet and handing it to me.

_"You should talk this over with your wife before we do anything further. Planning is what turns intention into action."_

_"Are you a walking quote book?"_

_"There are worse things to be, dear mi'ja. Also, I'm sure that your wife would love to see you when she wakes up."_

_"Oh. Yeah. I guess so. Thanks for occupying me, Mami."_

_"Anytime. Breakfast will be ready in an hour, if your little family is awake, it would be a great time to go outside."_

I thought of Britt's sadness after getting out of the hospital and how much she wanted to play in the snow with the kids.

Mami was right.

Being able to be those two teenage girls who knew when to shake off the bullshit and have fun seemed to be what my marriage lacked the most.

Course correcting wasn't just Mami's mission; it was also mine.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I had been reliving the sounds of my wife moaning while I paddled her sweet ass when I was shocked awake by a pain in my chest. I opened my eyes and looked down, only to see Dani trying to latch onto my boob through my shirt.

How did Ana do this?

When I looked over at Izzy, his spot on the bed was empty, and so was Ana's. I sat up in a panic, thinking the worst because that was what I got used to, but there she was, standing in the window with Izzy in her arms while she pointed out at the snow.

Dani's lip began to wiggle, and I knew that the scream was coming.

Saul, Mari, and Norah were all still asleep, and I didn't want to disturb them. I picked up Quackers and launched him towards my wife. She turned in that moment, and it hit her right on her nose.

Izzy burst into giggles, and Ana glared at me.

 _"Throwing stuff at people isn't nice or funny, mister."_ She scolded Izzy, but he just laughed harder. Which made the baby laugh and avoided a scream. I'm sure Mari and Saul would much rather wake up to baby giggles than screams.

She came over to the bed and dropped Izzy onto it. He stopped laughing immediately and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at his Mami. I guess she'd seriously hurt his feelings.

Ana leaned over and kissed me. Her face didn't smell like smoke, thankfully. When she'd left the bed, I had watched her creep out of the room and was sure that she was going on a search for cigarettes. Maybe she had and changed her mind?

 _"Morning, Baby."_ I mumbled.

 _"Up for a snowball fight?"_ Her eyes were twinkling. I smiled so hard that it made my cheeks hurt as I nodded.

_"Awesome, let's get ready for breakfast, and then we are going to play in the snow."_

_"Is that an open invitation?"_ I looked across the room and saw Mari curled up on her side, watching us.

 _"Uh yeah, sis, we can't have a war without targets."_ Ana teased, and that just got her sister excited. She was excitedly waking up Saul. If she was anything like Ana, this would be more like a real war than a fake one.

* * *

Ana escaped upstairs to get clothes for the kids and then returned with Quinn and Celia behind her.

 _"I hear there's a war brewing?"_ Celia said loudly, and Quinn slapped her arm.

_"You're loud."_

_"So what? Everyone's awake."_

_"Why are all of you early risers? Do you know how long it took me to condition Santana to hate mornings, only for her to go out and have kids who got rid of my programming?"_ Q grumbled. Ana picked up Quackers and hurled him at Quinn, and it was Izzy who reacted.

 _"Hey! No, nice!"_ He yelled at Ana, and we all laughed.

Quinn acted extra dramatic and pretended to cry, which only made Izzy angrier. He yelled at Ana while pointing at Quinn. _"Sorry, Dama!"_ He told her, and Ana threw up her hands in surrender.

_"Okay, geez. Sorry, Dama."_

_"No problem, I'll get my retribution outside."`_

_"If you throw snowballs like you do dodgeballs, we have nothing to worry about, Quinnie."_ I said, and Quinn rolled her eyes.

_"It is not my fault that everyone sucked but me, and you two had the skill of the Cheerios behind you."_

_"Excuses, excuses."_

_"It's so on, Santana!"_ Quinn said and then turned and did a proper Rachel Berry storm out.

Once there was a war on the horizon, everyone was buzzing as we formed teams over breakfast and then trudged out to the tennis courts so that the kids didn't wander too much.

Saul and Johnny took the super small kids over to the side to play without getting in the way of the insane adults.

Just as we were getting together on either side of the net to make our snowballs, Quinn came running onto the court with Izzy, _"Dibs!"_ She yelled.

 _"Hey, he's too small!"_ Ana called out, but then Sandra, who was on our team, pointed over at Evan and Xavier, forming snowballs on the side; Izzy toddled over to them. They showed him how to make them.

_"We have Xavier. They are the helpers for each team while Evan helps, so she just shot herself in the foot because Izzy's hands are so small."_

Quinn had something to prove as she hurled her first snowball right at my wife's head, but I nudged her out of the way and used two hands to launch a giant piece of snow across the court.

 _"Shit, that's ice, B!"_ Quinn yelled.

 _"Is that not fair game?"_ I played dumb, and Quinn was dumbfounded, good.

Once she was thrown off, the war began.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

We were having fun, a blast even, but then Quinn got mad that she was losing and used B's tactic and threw ice at us.

It sliced right across Mari's cheek, which brought the game to a halt once we saw blood.

Quinn rushed over and was apologetic, but Mari was furious.

 _"Back off."_ She said as she held a gloved hand to her face and walked off the court.

 _"You always gots to go too far, don't you Q ball."_ I snapped, and Quinn actually had tears in her eyes.

When we got back inside, Mami, who had warmed up leftovers, was standing at the counter cleaning off Mari's cut.

Quinn was hovering, but there wasn't really much she could do. It wasn't a deep cut, but the blood made it more dramatic than it was.

And of all of my sisters, Mari was the MOST dramatic. Where I would normally throw in a barb, I decided to shut my mouth.

I had things on my mind, and while the snowball fight helped me to chill out figuratively and literally, I was itching to go home.

Britt must have been paying attention because she pulled me out of the kitchen and into the foyer.

_"Hector dug out all of the cars. Do you want to go home?"_

_"Please?"_

_"Are you guys leaving?"_ Q said, looking flushed and near tears.

I bit my lip, not wanting to have a third wheel. Britt, though, was deciding to take over all of the bullshit today. Her mind is still [probably concerned about my breakdown the night before.

_"We are. Do you need a ride?"_

_"Yeah, if you don't mind. Ceily just snapped at me. We already were fighting last night about Rachel. I need some fucking space and San, don't look like that. I had no intention of bothering you guys. I just didn't drive here."_

I didn't bother defending myself, no one knew me better than Q, and anything I said in defense would be a lie, so I just shut up.

 _"Baby, why don't you go heat up the car? Q and I will get the kids."_ Britt yanked Quinn back towards the kitchen and left me standing in the foyer.

And I don't know what about that angered me, but the tears were fighting to breakthrough.

Like the saving grace that she's been, my phone rang, and Walker's face popped up.

Sometimes God sees your need and makes things happen, and sometimes you just make the right friends.

With Walker, I was sure that it was both things.

* * *

When we finally got back to the apartment, the property crew that I inherited by joining with Walker was hard at work salting the lot and walkways. Even though I was the only tenant, I was happy to see that the property was being taken care of.

 _"Good morning, miss!"_ One of the guys said as he stepped to the side for us.

_"Buenos días, make sure that when you're finished, you take the crew to the Lima Bean for coffee or hot chocolate. Wear your uniform shirt, so they give it to you on the house."_

He nodded happily.

_"Thank you!"_

It felt good to give back to people, especially when they did work that I damn sure didn't have any interest in doing.

When we went right, and Quinn went left towards the other apartment, Izzy freaked out. _"No, hit, Dama!"_ He screeched. He was leaning out Britt's arms and kicking his little legs.

Quinn smirked and held her arms out.

_"I'm heading home tomorrow, so I might as well get in some time with my little man."_

_"Are you sure?"_ B asked as she handed him over.

_"Yup. I was probably just going to stew and get more upset. It will be nice to not do that."_

_"Okay, let us know if you need anything."_

_"Yup."_ Quinn took our son into the apartment and shut the door before I even got our door open.

Britt unzipped her jacket and out popped Daniela's head. She looked around and then rested her head back down onto Britt's chest.

 _"I think she's ready for a nap."_ B said.

_"Me too."_

_"Do you want to pop out a boob, or should I get a bottle?"_

_"Um...a bottle."_

_"I don't blame you; she bit me this morning thinking I was you."_

_"Ouch."_

_"I don't know how you do it."_

_"I'd be fine if she wasn't a sadist. Every time I say ow, she bites me again."_

_"Like Mami, like daughter."_

_"No, ma'am, that sadistic shit comes from Marco."_

_"I can't argue with that."_

_"I don't even think he would argue with that."_ I crossed myself, and Britt shook her head.

_"Really?"_

_"It's hard not to say a prayer for the dead, B...I'm not heartless."_

_"That's new."_ She muttered, and I pretended not to hear it because I knew it would become something bigger.

Pick your battles, Lopez.

* * *

There was no more milk pumped, and Daniela was opening and closing her fists at me as she stood in the middle of the floor.

Britt was scrambling around for my pump, but I had left that at Mami's.

I held my boobs, trying to stop my boobs from leaking, but they leaked a little more with every whine from Daniela.

 _"Fine, you win!"_ I said to the baby, scooping her up, and she immediately was grabbing at my shirt. _"You need to wait. Crap. Ow, don't bite!"_ I shrieked, and the baby let out something between a giggle and a whine.

Britt came back into the living room looking defeated, ready to let me down, but the baby was already latched on by the time that she did.

_"You gave in. I searched for the travel one, but that's missing too."_

_"Um...that one broke."_

_"When?"_

_"It doesn't matter; we have other things to discuss. Can you grab that folded up piece of paper from my coat?"_

Britt wasn't as good as I was when it came to letting things roll off of her, at least not when it came to me.

She walked over to the coat rack and stuffed her hands in my pockets.

When she turned back around, she had the paper and a pack of cigarettes.

Ones I had forgotten that I had filched from Ceily's pocket on the way out.

_"You said that you'd stop."_

_"I know."_

_"When did you get these?"_

_"I took them from Ceily."_

_"Is that all you took from the house?"_ I looked away from her and down at Daniela. She was looking up at me in fascination. I ran my thumb across her forehead, and she closed her eyes. _"Please answer me, Santana...please?"_

I looked up at B and nodded.

_"That's all that I took. I don't blame you for not believing me...those are all I took because that's all I had time for. I barely had a moment alone for days. I took those when you left me in the foyer."_

_"So you're back to being sneaky?"_

_"No...I...I messed up okay. I'm sorry. I won't do it again, just...please come sit with us. Please, B?"_

When I said us, she looked down at Daniela and gave me a fake smile. She put the cigarettes in her pocket and then sat down on the recliner.

 _"Does it hurt?"_ She asked.

 _"Yeah, but mainly when she bites. I put nipple butter on to help with the cracking."_ Britt cringed.

_"So I can't suck them anymore? Are they like broken forever now?"_

_"No, B. Once I ween her off of me, which officially is happening on her birthday in a few weeks, my nipples will heal, and they'll be all yours again."_

_"Good, I'm not a fan of sharing."_

_"That's new."_ I muttered. So I guess I didn't let her little wisecrack go.

Oh well.

A petty bitch is a petty bitch.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I'd started it; I knew that a fight was coming between us from the moment I said that's new to her heartless comment. It was a slip. There is so much that Grady has opened my eyes to about her that I can't seem to forget.

No matter how untrue his words were, they stuck with me, and it could be hard to shut up when something she said or did matches up with something Grady said.

He didn't even know her, all the things he said were just his opinions, but I took them as fact.

When she got me back, though, I just chuckled about being a fan of sharing because I didn't want what I knew was coming.

This was supposed to be a new start for us. In just two days, we were supposed to be going home to New York, and I didn't want that to get started wrong.

Especially not because of me.

When Ana pulled her boob away from Dani, she let out a whine but then curled up against Ana, a hand on her boob for safekeeping, I guess.

 _"Do you want me to put her in the crib?"_ I asked. Ana looked at the baby for a moment, running her fingers through curls and leaning in for a kiss on her forehead.

_"No, I'll hold her for a while."_

_"Won't us talking wake her?"_

_"She's milk drunk; as long as we don't scream at each other, she'll be fine."_ She looked at me then, and I knew that she knew a fight was brewing.

It made me relieved that she felt it and wanted to avoid it too.

 _"So what's this paper?"_ I asked, afraid to unfold it.

_"This morning, I left the room with the intention to do something, I don't know what, but it wasn't good. Instead, I ran into Mami, and we talked. Then she helped me write an agreement. It's like a binding to-do list that has real consequences. I wanted to share it with you because we are married, and everything I do affects you. I want to start acting like we instead of just Santana and Brittany."_

She was starting to ramble.

_"Can I look at it?"_

_"Yes."_

I opened it and looked at her beautiful looped handwriting. Seeing it always made me smile.

 _"Are you smiling at my handwriting?"_ I looked up and grinned, which made her smile.

_"Yeah, it's cute."_

_"It's not cute. It's cursive and professional."_

_"Yeah, but also, it's cute."_

_"Read."_

* * *

_"Blah blah blah...one, I will move into the house in midtown and find a new home by December 15th, or M. Gladys Lopez will be given the approval to choose my residence."_ I felt my heart sink. _"I don't like that one."_ I said, waiting for an explanation.

_"Me either, which is why once you are done reading, you and I are going to start looking at places immediately."_

_"Good. Blah blah, okay two, I will attend meetings five days a week until I reach one year of sobriety, or M. Gladys Lopez will be given approval to randomly drug test me."_ I smirked. I kind of liked that one, but I didn't say anything. I just looked up at her.

_"You like that one, don't you?"_

_"A little bit."_

_"I want to be clean, B. I will have moments of temptation, but my will to be clean is still very much intact, I promise you."_

Swears and promises from her meant shit to me. I just wouldn't tell her that...I didn't want to fight, and I didn't want to trigger her defensive wall fallback.

_"Okay."_

_"You believe me, don't you?"_

_"Yes."_ I lied, and then I looked back down at the paper, _"I will make time to date my wife at least once a week, at which time the children will be in the care of my mother or..."_ I looked up at Ana, _"Baby, you left this part blank."_

_"That's because it's not up to my mother to decide what the consequence of us not dating is...so I left it blank for you."_

_"Oh. Um, people get busy, there shouldn't be a consequence. Instead, it should be, if I can't make time to go out, I'll sit down to dinner with my family at least twice a week."_

She handed me a pen and waited for me to write down what I had just said. Then she said, _"Mami's going to want a consequence."_

_"Um...if we both fail to make time for each other, we will go on a double date with your mom and Hector on a date of their choosing."_

_"Oh, that's a good one; the last thing I want is to see my mother sucking face with my godfather...gross."_

_"Okay, last two. I will prioritize my career in songwriting and music, or I will go to college."_ I grinned. _"I like this one, but it doesn't really have a consequence. Why?"_

_"Mami said that not doing something with my life would eventually become its own punishment."_

_"Seems legit. Okay, last one. I will never disappear again without telling anyone. If I do, I will relinquish all of my holdings to the ownership of my wife for one calendar year."_

_"What?!"_

_"Leaving was stupid. At the very least, I should have told Walker. It was dumb and reckless. I'm sorry."_

_"I don't want that kind of responsibility."_

_"I know, but there is no one I trust more to not be petty about it. We fight and disagree...you might even step out on me, which...is partly my fault, but I know you wouldn't shortchange me."_

_"No, I wouldn't."_

_"So what do you think?"_

_"It feels unnecessary to me, but that's just because I don't feel like you need it. I'm probably wrong, though."_

_"You are, but that's okay. I appreciate your honesty."_ She said, looking hurt but trying not to sound like it.

Things with her all of a sudden felt awkward. I didn't like it.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

The weight of my baby girl in my arms is supposed to keep the shakes away, but it doesn't. I'm trying like hell to keep myself still while talking to B, but my palms started to itch to no avail.

I needed a meeting or a stimulant of some kind.

Anything to form a high.

With the way that things are with Britt, I'm never sure if sex is on the table.

But it doesn't hurt to ask.

_"B?"_

She had been staring down at the paper for a long time and biting at her lip, but now she was staring at me, waiting for something.

_"Yes?"_

_"Can you put her to bed?"_

Britt got up so fast that she had to reach out and grab the arm of the recliner when she got a headrush. I smirked at her but tried to keep my snide comments to myself, which is a skill that I wish I had in high school or at least with Marco. Maybe I would have had fewer black eyes.

 _"Sure, Ana."_ She seemed frustrated as she rubbed at her face. Then she scooped up Daniela and smothered her face in light kisses. _"I love you, Dani. My sweet little gumdrop."_

Is it weird that seeing her be amazing to our child turned me on?

 _"When you come back, maybe you can put me to bed too?"_ She had been mid-turn when I said it. Without saying a word to me, she strutted away while humming that damn lollipop song.

The memory of me spread out on my kitchen table while she ravished me resurfaced, and the shivers that resulted were definitely the byproduct of the things she could do to me.

I got up from the couch and stretched, walking over to the window to admire my old stomping grounds while I waited. While I stood there, I caught sight of a single person running through the snow on the track. They ran with an enviable determination. I found myself wishing that I had the energy and strength to run alongside them.

Warm hands ran over my hips and under my shirt.

Britt was careful to just skim my nipples as she lifted my shirt from my body.

 _"Someone might see."_ I whispered, but I made no moves to stop her when she crouched behind me and began to pull at my sweatpants.

_"Let them watch."_

_"I thought you didn't like to share."_ I couldn't resist. I yelped when she swatted my ass in response.

 _"Don't be mean."_ She was standing again, she put one hand on my hip and, with the other, pushed my back until I was pressed against the cold glass. _"Spread your legs."_ I stepped out of the sweats that were puddled around my ankles and did as she commanded.

 _"What are you going to do?"_ I felt nervous and exposed. Had she already forgotten that her parents and Quinn had keys to this apartment? _"What if the camera sees?"_

_"Trust me."_

_"I can't."_ I admitted, and with that, her warm hands left my body.

 _"Do you want me to stop?"_ She sounded defeated. I went to stand, but she swatted my ass again _. "Answer me."_

_"No."_

_"But you don't trust me?"_

_"I'm trying, but you've betrayed me so much, B."_ I stuck my ass out, waiting for the next swat, and was tempted to piss her off just so she'd spank me into forgetting that I was craving coke. _"You're so gentle with me...like I'll break, but you fuck everyone else...so much better."_

_"I don't."_

_"You do. I saw you."_ I had been holding that card up my sleeve for months. _"I watched him fuck you in our bed, and I watched you...suck him off...I watched you be a bigger slut than I ever was. You always loved being fucked into oblivion."_ Once I started talking, I couldn't stop.

 _"How?"_ I went to stand again, and this time she swatted me twice, _"Stay...I'm enjoying watching how wet you're getting while you think about me with him. It disgusts you, but it turns you on. You're dripping, Baby. What else did you see?"_

 _"You pegged him."_ I admitted, and she chuckled.

_"He'd be so mad if he knew that you saw."_

_"Watching you ride him like that...I was fresh out of rehab, and I was horny."_

_"You got off on it?"_ Her hands were rubbing my ass now, and I groaned.

_"Yes."_

_"He cried after and begged me to not tell anyone."_

I groaned when Britt's fingers pressed into me, but even after all this, she was still gentle.

_"Give it to me, B...please? Make the shakes go away."_

* * *

After confirmation that I was craving, Britt seemed to enter a different headspace. _"Don't move."_ She said before walking away from me. I rested my face on my arms and watched the person running still.

Had I been that determined and dedicated?

I stared at the white snow and connected it with cocaine...in my mind, I was that person, running through the coke, determined to not let it slow me down.

When Britt came back, I was practically salivating as I rubbed my palms together.

 _"I said don't move."_ She said, her voice sounding firm.

I bent back over and stuck my ass out, expecting her hand but getting the paddle instead. _"How bad is it?"_

_"Bad."_

_"1-10? Ten be you going on a complete coke binge."_

_"Nine, then."_ I said.

_"Nine swats on each cheek then."_

_"Okay."_

I bit my lip as she made my ass ache. When she was done, she was on me, fucking me up against the window like we'd done in Lake George, just before she tricked me into rehab, and I tricked her by signing myself out.

Her hands worked my body over until I was shaking and barely strong enough to hold myself up.

 _"I'm taking you to bed."_ She whispered to me as she cradled me in her arms.

_"Mmmhmm."_

* * *

Every minute of sleep that I had missed the night before hit me like a train once Britt was through with me. I fell into a state of bliss and laid there dreamlessly for an eternity.

I woke up alone, tucked in my big comforter with the noise machine whirling.

The sun was still out, but it wasn't as bright as before.

Britt's laughter rang through the apartment, and then I heard muffled voices before she laughed again.

So much for being alone.

When I went to move, the soreness hit me like a freight train. I sat up and chuckled when I saw two aspirin and a glass of water on the side table.

After taking them and stretching every joint, I placed my feet on the carpet and just sat there, staring at the wall. My brain was in a fog, and I felt sluggish like I had slept too much.

Her laughter was closer now, and then the door opened, and Britt was standing there, staring at me.

_"Hey baby, how do you feel?"_

_"Sore."_

_"Good...any shaking?"_

_"No. I'm just in a daze. How long did I sleep?"_

_"Four hours."_

_"Is someone here?"_

_"Yes, it wasn't my idea, but I think it's a good one."_ She shut the door and then came over to me, kneeling down and running her palms up and down my bare thighs. _"When you passed out, I called Walker. She was on her way back to Lima and says the roads are terrible. There's more snow coming too. She thought it would be good for you to have a meeting."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yes, she's bringing it to you. Charlie is helping her set up downstairs. I invited Rachel, and she's inviting a few people from your group."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yup, she wanted to do it up here, but I told her that it was crossing a privacy line between you and the people in your group."_

_"Thanks, B."_

_"You're welcome, get dressed, and when you are ready, we'll head down."_

_"Are you coming with me?"_

_"Only if you want me to."_

And I didn't.

I needed to have this to myself...just for today.

 _"Not today."_ I admitted.

_"That's fine. I was going to grab some dinner for us. Dani is over with Quinn."_

I nodded and then gripped her face. I dropped kisses on her nose and cheeks, then finally her lips.

_"Sounds good."_

_"Quick question, How many cameras are in our lives?"_

_"It was all Sandra's doing after my overdose...this is the only room that doesn't have a camera...and the bathrooms too."_

_"Well, that's dumb. Anyone that knows you knows that you like to use surfaces and the bathroom counter is one of your favorites."_

_I shivered._

_"Don't remind me."_ I felt the shakes again. _"Still at a 9, B."_

_"Right, sorry."_

_"I should get up, I guess."_

_"Yeah, you should."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was trying really hard with Ana. I fucked her just as hard as I would anyone else that didn't mean as much as she did. Even with that, she still woke up bitchy. I could see it in the way she moved.

I had been distracted from my own hurts in all of our reconciling until she brought up Grady, falling back on an old habit. While she slept, I pulled up the picture of the sonogram and just stared at it.

Then I thought of her body shaking and the way she was borderline with this addiction again.

She'd been fine before I came back into her life full-time. Guilt filled up my stomach and my head. I had to make it right.

Calling Walker had been the first thing that I thought of, and I was happy when she didn't seem annoyed by me calling her.

I was a wreck after hanging up with her, and then I thought it would be good to take the baby to Q. So I changed her while she slept before draping my coat over her and taking her across the hall.

Q had her reading glasses on and a record playing. When I handed her the baby and went to explain, she just shook her head.

_"Go deal with whatever you need to. This is an honor. For you, specifically, to trust me still, especially with these two angels, is huge. I recognize that, so if you are coming here like this, I know you need it. I love you guys, now go."_

I cleaned the apartment while I waited for Walker. When that was done, I began washing clothes, but then I sat there again, staring at that sonogram and crying.

So I brought her up to the apartment, and she commented that it smelled like sex. I shrugged and told her that I had cleaned the best I could, but good sex seems to linger. We talked about her and Heather, then I walked her through everything that Ana had done since I had found her.

When I told her how Ana described her desire to use at a 9 out of 10, she looked concerned.

She told me she'd call people to come to have a meeting downstairs and asked me to call Rachel.

Walker put me in charge of getting Ana dressed and downstairs for the meeting. She joked that I should only do that and not bang her again.

I'm not going to lie, I was tempted, but then I saw her sitting there on the edge of the bed, rubbing her palms together and rocking. I don't even think that she was conscious of it.

It didn't feel like a hypothetical situation; it felt like it was eventual.

She was going to use drugs if we didn't pull her from the brink.

The move would be a good distraction, but that was IF the meeting helped her.

* * *

After I delivered her to the apartment door and asked a second time if she needed me there, only for her to snap at me, I didn't push. Walker opened the door and yanked Ana inside, winking at me.

_"I've got her. Go cathart."_

_"Huh?"_

_"It's not a real word; I just mean that you should go do something that makes you happy, Brittany."_

Ana suddenly took her head out of her ass and froze in the doorway, _"What's wrong with you? Did I miss something?"_

 _"Have a good meeting, Ana. I'm going to go...what was the word?"_ I asked Walker, and she grinned.

_"Cathart."_

_"That. If I'm not back before you're done, don't worry about being alone, Walker plans to talk your ear off. I love you, Byeee."_ I jingled her car keys and then left her standing there looking way confused.

Good.

She had her own stuff going on, but it'd be nice if she was aware of what her moods did to me.

Hadn't I just given her outstanding sex?

I mean, I should get sweet Santana for just a little while.

It's only right.

**_Britt, call me!-Ari_ **

I had been just about to pull out of the lot when my phone buzzed with that message.

Then another came in.

**_Brittany, it's Frankie. Is everything ok? Call me if you need to talk.-unknown_ **

I hadn't heard from Frankie in months, what was going on.

And then, the call came.

Tony.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was facing the parking lot, which meant that I had a line of sight on B.

While everyone talked, I watched her answer the phone and then, moment by moment, breakdown.

She was yelling and waving her arms, then she was just sitting there, head back staring at the ceiling, weeping.

 _"Santana?"_ I looked at Walker, having no idea what she was talking about.

_"What?"_

_"Are we interrupting you?"_

_"Kind of."_

_"What do you want to be doing right now?"_ I glared at Walker.

_"What do you think?"_

_"I have no idea."_

_"First off, I would really like to take this edge off, and I can't."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Because I can't even fucking smoke, but then she does shit like this, and I'm supposed to be able to just fucking deal!"_ I pointed towards the window, and everyone looked. Seeing Britt hurting made me ache. I hated it.

 _"What do you think she'd be like if you overdosed and died?"_ Rachel asked, and I swear I wanted to shove my foot through her face.

_"Worse than this."_

_"Well then, the solution to your current state is obvious, Santana. See her breaking down as a preview of what her life would be like if you gave in to these urges."_

_"You're one to talk, Hobbit."_ I snapped at her, and she recoiled.

There was no apology that I could offer; I was way too angry.

 _"Can I just go check on her?"_ I said to Walker, and she shook her head as she looked down at her phone. Then she looked out the window and watched Britt look at her phone and then straight ahead at me.

She gave me a watery smile and then winked before pulling out of the lot.

_"See, she's okay."_

_"No, she's just going to have her breakdown somewhere else."_

_"Maybe that's what she needs. You don't always need to be the hero."_

_"I know."_

_"If you're just going to say what I want to hear, then just sit there, and we can move on to someone else."_

* * *

After everyone left, Walker stayed where she was sitting and stared down at her folded hands.

My angry façade fell away, and I moved to the seat closest to her. _"I'm sorry I went to that place. I just have rage."_

_"Okay."_

_"Okay?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Walker, can you look at me, please?"_

She looked up at me, and her eyes were red-rimmed. She was near tears, and I hated that I had moved her to that point.

 _"When did you do it?"_ I sat there feeling shocked.

_"Do what?"_

_"You're not sober, Santana."_

_"I am."_

_"You may not be on coke, but you took something. This isn't you."_

I sighed and admitted to her what I didn't want to admit to myself.

_"I swiped a few of Quinn's Adderall back at the house after everything. My anxiety has been through the roof, but it's not a narcotic...not in the way that painkillers are. I was just trying to manage my own shit. Panic attacks come more frequently when I'm craving, you know?"_

_"Does Britt know?"_

_"No one does. She left me alone in the foyer, and I went through people's shit. I stole Celia's cigarettes and a few pills, like three or four."_

_"You shouldn't be taking pills without a prescription, you know that."_

_"I know."_

_"Come on, I need you to do something."_

_"What?"_

_"Follow me."_

I nervously followed Walker upstairs to the apartment, but then she turned right and knocked on the door.

Charlie opened it and hugged his mom tight, then pulled back and looked into her eyes. They were the same height now; I swear the kid grew a foot since I met him.

 _"I'm proud of you, Mama. I love you."_ Walker rolled her eyes and hugged her son.

_"You say this after every meeting, Char, I know."_

_"Just like you tell me after every practice and game that you are proud of me and that you love me."_

_"Smartass."_

I followed the two of them into the apartment.

Quinn was on the floor, holding her arms open to my baby girl. We got quiet and watched, but Daniela wouldn't move. Walker was recording and whispered to me. _"Get down, and call her Santana."_

I slid down to the floor and then whistled. Daniela turned her head and grinned when she saw me. I stretched her arms to her, and then she took a step, then looked around, and took another. _"Come on, mi'ja, you can do it."_ I was crying now, but I didn't stop smiling.

She made it about halfway, and then Izzy clapped, and it startled her. She fell onto her butt and clapped with him. So we all clapped.

The moment was enough to get me to stop being so fucking stupid.

_"Now that we witnessed perfection, Charlie is going to take the kids to the other room while the adults talk."_

Quinn was on alert as she got up from the floor. _"What happened?"_

Walker didn't speak until the kids were out of earshot, not that my kids even understood this stuff.

_"What did you do, San?"_

_"Quinn, it's important to not put her on the defensive."_

_"Walker, I have tried every method with my best friend. I have stood by while she's been abused. I have cleaned numerous bodily fluids off her body, and I know for a fact that if I...not anyone else, but me specifically if I am too nice and not direct, she bullshits me."_ Walker nodded, deferring to Quinn, who was staring me down. _"So what did you do, San?"_

_"I swiped Ceily cigarettes and some of your pills."_

_"Wait...which pills?"_ She tilted her head and knew she thought I touched her old painkillers, but that's not what was in her overnight bag.

_"Adderall."_

_"Why? I barely take them, despite being told that I need to."_

_"I needed something to help me through the panic, and when I looked through your bag and saw those, I took a couple."_

_"Are you going to give them back?"_

_"Well, I like took all of them today."_

_"How many?"_

_"Three."_

_"That's way too many! It's not only for anxiety, but people also use it to suppress appetites, and you are already a fucking twig."_ She looked like she wanted to hit me as she moved in close to me _. "I swear if this is because you feel fat, Santana, this isn't the way. You are missing so much and taking pills, smoking, running away...none of that fixes anything. Unless you don't care and just want to die?"_

_"I don't."_

_"Okay, well fucking prove that you want to live. Do you know how much I've sacrificed for you and still would sacrifice? If you need a prescription, we can go to a doctor and get you evaluated but don't cross that line._ _I mean, what was the end goal of stealing from me?_ _"_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"That doesn't answer the question."_

_"I told you, I just needed something to take the edge off."_

_"After a snowball fight? That didn't take the edge off enough?"_

_"No."_

_"Where do we go from here, San?"_

_"I don't know, are you going to actually stop talking to me?"_

_"Of course not. Someone has to be stable for those kids. I am their stability. Not even B is all there...your mom is supermom one minute and a ghost the next. I am their true north, and I won't sacrifice that. That's my line. So, how can I help you through this little hiccup?"_

_"I guess getting evaluated wouldn't hurt."_

_"Okay, that I can help you with, but in the meantime, no more extra pills and just talk to me. Like you used to when you felt overwhelmed, I am still here for you. I am still your best friend."_

_"Okay."_

_"Are you sticking around? Should I cook something?"_

_"Until B gets back if you don't mind."_

_"I don't. Thanks for making her tell me, Walker. She wouldn't have, not this soon."_

_"I know. Santana, don't forget that we still need to talk over business plans."_

_"Right, okay."_

_"I'll be around."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Thank you for talking me down."_ I said to Ari as she sat in the passenger seat and chowed down on her burger.

_"Thanks for the burger."_

_"If you don't slow down, you'll choke."_

_"You sound like my mom."_ Her face fell after that. She swallowed hard and then put her burger down. _"I'm sorry you got suspended."_

_"Me too."_

_"You know that they'll give you your job back if you're honest with them."_

_"I don't think so. I fucked Grady on the stage when I was his boss. No honesty's going to fix this. It's in their hands."_

_"Maybe if you get Frankie on your side?"_

_"That won't help, she's August's protege, but Frank, he doesn't care. The only person he falls all over himself for...is you."_

_"Well, you have my support."_

_"I better after you fucked my wife."_ I muttered as I swirled my French fries in ketchup.

_"Right."_

_"I'm not mad about it. I'm just saying...you know?"_

_"Yeah, I know."_

_"And then there's her and me, we are so messed up right now...I'm stressed."_

_"Is it because of me?"_

_"Honestly, no. Crazy right, it's more about Grady and how much he got in my head about her. He talked so much shit about how she's a user, not just of drugs but people."_

_"But she's not. Anita is the most generous person that I know."_

_"I know, but I was mad when I told him about her throwing money at things to make them go away, how she'd probably do that with him."_

_"Do you think that's why he got you pregnant?"_

_"I didn't before, but I do now. When he realized she wasn't going to pay him to go away or pay me alimony, he got all shifty."_

_"He's the fucking user."_

_"Harsh."_ I said.

_"He used you, B. For the job, for sex, and money. Didn't you say he bought a bunch of sneakers on your joint credit card?"_

_"Yeah, Ana hasn't even noticed."_

_"I wouldn't bring it up if I were you. She doesn't need the added stress."_

_"Neither do I."_

_"So what's the plan, you go and beg for your job back?"_

_"Pretty much, they only gave me two weeks off, and I took a whole month."_

_"Well, it might be time to lay it all out, even if it means you have to be a perfect employee from here on out."_

_"Maybe you're right."_

_"I'm definitely right. Besides, if I throw a fit, Frank will at least listen to what you have to say."_

_"And you will, right?"_

_"Absolutely, I'll even knock shit over if you want."_

_"Good because you just might have to."_

* * *

I had wanted so badly to be alone with Ana but today proved that we don't really know how to be alone anymore.

How were we going to go to New York and live alone?

After dropping off Ari at the airport, I stopped back at the Rage Cage for ice cream and then went straight to Gladys' house.

It was always weird to be there without Ana.

But when I pulled up, the kids were outside with Celia kicking a soccer ball back and forth.

When I stepped out of the car, they stopped playing and watched me instead.

I think they were waiting for Ana to climb out of the car or for me to bring a kid out, but I shut the door and walked straight for Celia.

_"What's up, B? Is Ana okay?"_

_"Yeah, I just wanted to give you these back."_ I handed her the cigarettes, and she raised an eyebrow, then held up a finger and spoke to the kids in Spanish. Evan took Xavier inside after waving bye to me.

_"I thought one of the guys swiped them or Hector."_

_"Well, it was Ana. She didn't smoke any, though."_

_"Thanks. Everything okay?"_

_"What are your intentions with Quinn?"_

_"Seriously?"_

_"Yes. If Ana isn't going to ask you, then I will."_

_"She did when we first started messing around."_

_"Okay, that was two years ago, and you and I share in the hurt of them sleeping together."_ Celia flinched, but I just kept on because Ana sleeping with Quinn was like three people ago. _"Quinn is serious about you. She's been dealing with school and the chance to maybe get Beth back. She's always preaching to us about stability. I think it's partly because she needs it. I want to kick her ass if she even looks at Santana too long, but she doesn't, not like before. She keeps coming back to you because she LOVES you. Don't punish her for this. Please?"_

_"You're sure that they are done?"_

_"Positive."_

_"You know my sister is screwing around still, right? I mean, the list is longer than it should be for a married woman."_

_"I know, but I think that she's done too."_

_"How can you be sure?"_

_"Even after everything, the lying and dumb mistakes, I still trust her."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yeah, I am. I wasn't, but the way she has stuck by me through this and still insists on carrying my children and letting me be a mom to hers...I trust her."_

_"Even when it comes to drugs?"_

I took a deep breath because that was a hard one.

_"She's a work in progress, and addiction is a lifelong thing. Like with my anger, I do everything I can to stop it, but it is still there. Her addiction and eating disorder are like that. I have faith in her, and I know that it's going to be hard sometimes, but she's worth it."_

_"I think Quinn is too. Honestly, I'd say that my intent is to marry Quinn Fabray when she graduates from Columbia."_

_"Then, take it from me, someone who toyed with Santana when she was first falling for me, the longer you wait for a person, the harder it becomes, and the more people get in between. If I had not wasted time with Artie or Finn, she would never have felt a moment of doubt like she did when Marco came back around. I blame myself for that. I didn't fight for her like I should have...like she deserved. Don't make that mistake, Ceily."_

_"Okay, I think you're right. I'm going to pack up some food since Gladys has been bitching all day about everyone needing to eat, and I'm sure you don't feel like cooking dinner."_

_"I don't."_

_"Don't tell Q that I'm coming, I don't want her to overanalyze before I get there."_

_"Okay...promise you're coming?"_

_"I promise. Now, you should get back to my sister. I don't trust that the cigarettes are the end of her snooping."_

_"Let's hope that's not true."_


	19. Work (Charlotte Day Wilson)

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**20 Minutes Later...**

* * *

I bent forward, my body aching and screaming at me to stop, but it was a good pain. I mirrored Quinn's movements. She had always been more nimble than me, but especially so after my boob job.

 _"Oh God, Quinn!"_ I groaned, and she grinned at me.

_"You got this, babe."_

_"Fuck, Q. How are you enjoying this?"_

_"Do you want to stop?"_ I was breathing heavily now, but I kind of didn't want to stop, no matter how dumb I felt.

_"No."_

_"Atta girl."_

I stretched out my legs, feeling the pull in my groin from all of the rough sex with B. It ached in ways that I never felt before.

_"Fuck, I'm hot."_

_"Take off your shirt then...I'll wait."_ Q mocked, and I just rolled my eyes at her as I pulled my shirt over my head. _"Better?"_

_"Yessss, fuck, so much better!"_

The door to the apartment swung open, and I froze, but Quinn kept going, not giving a shit about Britt being here...but I did.

_"Britt...you're back!"_

_"What are you two doing?"_

_"Your wife...well...you tell her, San."_ Quinn plopped down on the floor, bringing her feet together before continuing to stretch. I stood up and went over to my wife. Her cold hands touched my bare arms.

 _"Where's your shirt?"_ She asked and then glanced over at Q before looking at me again. _"Where are the kids?"_

_"The kids aren't here. Your dad dropped by to pick them up for the night."_

_"Oh. I didn't know they were back."_

_"They got back and came straight here, picked up the kids, and tried to get me to play this whole missing kids trick on you, but with the way we've been, I didn't want to freak you out."_

The door was still open behind her, and I could hear footsteps.

_"Baby, I need you to put your shirt on. Now."_

Britt looked concerned, so I didn't question her. Instead, I yanked my shirt back on. My hair was wild, so I pulled it into a top knot as a head popped in the doorway.

Celia.

I looked over at Quinn, in her sports bra and booty shorts. Britt must have known she was coming and knew what it looked like for me and Quinn to be half-naked and sweaty together.

_"Hey, sis!"_

_"Hey. I'll come back to chat later. Mind if I steal my girl for a bit?"_

_"Please do. She's been nagging me for hours!"_ I joked, and Quinn glared.

_"I have not."_

_"Say less, Q."_ I said, glaring at her, and she rolled her eyes this time.

* * *

Once the door was closed and Britt was alone with me, she yanked at the hem of my shirt.

 _"What are you doing?"_ I asked, batting her hands away.

_"I like the way you smell when you sweat."_

_"Gross."_

_"You were groaning and stuff. It sounded like sex in here."_

_"Yeah, B, that's not happening with anyone but you. Especially not with Q. Been there, done that, I don't plan on going back."_

_"Goodie."_ Britt kissed my face and then ran the tip of her tongue along my earlobe.

 _"B...baby...we need...fuck...nibble right there."_ I demanded, and she complied.

She didn't waste time taking my clothes off. Instead, her hand just slid straight into my pants. The chill of her fingers sent shocks to my clit. I leaned my head against her shoulder and spread my legs.

_"You should do yoga more often."_

_"Yeah?"_ I panted as her fingers buried inside of me.

 _"Mmmhmm."_ Her arm came around my back to hold me in place while she fucked me.

She didn't stop until I came. I watched as she sucked on her damp fingers.

_"Fuck, that's hot."_

_"Wanna tell me how today went?"_

_"Yes, I need to."_

_"Okay, do you want to tell me over ice cream?"_ She picked up the bag she'd dropped on the coffee table when she came in.

_"From the Rage Cage? Is it Rocky Road?"_

_"Yup."_

_"You're the best!"_ I shuddered when she winked at me before heading into the kitchen.

My phone buzzed, and I stole a glance at it.

**_Don't let her distract you with sex. Talk!-Q_ **

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

When I stood outside our apartment door and heard her groaning, cursing, and calling Quinn's name...I felt the anger begin to rage inside of me.

But then I had to remember what I had said to Celia and everything Ana had told me. She regretted having sex with Quinn. There was no way that she'd do it again, but it sounded like it.

Celia wasn't far behind me, and I knew that what made sense to me didn't always make sense to other people like Celia.

So I opened the door and felt relieved to see them doing yoga...well, Quinn was doing yoga, Ana looked like she was bitching and moaning while fake stretching. Just like in Cheerios when she wasn't in the mood to practice. Q and I had always been the ones to push her to be her best.

The look of guilt on her face wasn't the same as the look she gets when she's fucked another person. I'd seen her enough times, directly after she cheats, to know the difference.

After seeing that they were just doing yoga, I was so glad that I hadn't stormed in there like a crazy person. I knew, though, that Celia would have.

I heard the car pull into the lot and knew that Celia would make something out of nothing so getting her back in her shirt was more important than anything else.

She wanted to talk to me, that much was clear, but I wasn't ready.

If we started talking, I'd have to tell her that I was close to being fired and why.

The door closed behind me, and I knew that if I distracted her with sex, that it would buy me some time.

Luckily the ice cream hadn't melted, so I made the excuse of bowls and spoons before leaving her in the living room, shuddering after the fantastic orgasm that I had given her.

They'd summoned Ari back to figure out how she could fill my shoes until my situation was resolved.

I was suspended while they figured it out and would find out my fate the following Monday. So I had a little over a week to figure out what was next for me.

What I did, affected my wife and kids, so I needed to talk to her about it.

I just didn't want to.

We were fresh.

And happy...I think.

* * *

 _"You okay?"_ I flinched when I heard her directly behind me. I had been in the middle of making her the most decadent sundae that I could think of.

I picked up the bowls and turned to face her.

She gave me a sad smile that I think she was trying to pass off as hopeful, but it wasn't working.

_"Why do you ask?"_

_"You have been in here for a long time. I wanted to make sure that my ice cream didn't melt."_

I handed it to her, and she grinned.

 _"What do you think?"_ I asked.

_"It's great. More than I needed but perfect. Thanks, B."_

That didn't make sense, but I wasn't going to correct her. We were both on eggshells when only I should have been.

I moved over to the table that was the host of so many of our relationship decisions and discussions.

 _"Actually, can we cuddle on the couch?"_ This time, she just looked cute, so I nodded and followed after her.

She'd lit a few candles and had pulled out sheets.

_"What's all of this?"_

_"We haven't made a fort in forever...I thought maybe we could?"_

I shook my head; she'd fucked up somehow, the guilt was back on her face, and I would NOT let her ruin forts for me, but I couldn't tell her that. Ana was the most complicated dance routine that I ever had to perform, and one wrong move could mess everything up.

_"Let's just cuddle. We can build a fort for the kids. Izzy would love it."_

I'd thrown her off, but she recovered quickly and plopped down on her favorite spot on the couch.

_"Okay, that's fine. I wanted to keep things light between us."_

I sat next to her and pulled her legs onto my lap.

She smiled so hard that her dimples dug deep lines on her cheeks.

_"How'd the meeting go?"_

_"Terrible. I spent the first half of it watching you have a breakdown in the car and the second half, snapping at Walker and the group."_

She shoved ice cream into her mouth. Some dribbled. I reached out and rubbed it away with my thumb before bringing it to my lips. She clenched her thighs together.

Even now, I turned her on.

Celia had nothing to worry about; Ana had no interest in Quinn. She was hung up on me again. Let's just hope I don't fuck that up by bringing up Grady, which was inevitable.

_"Is Walker mad at you?"_

_"No. She's...worried...you're just going to glaze over your breakdown?"_

_"Why is Walker worried?"_ It was shitty that I was ignoring her questions and digging deeper into what she was feeling guilty about.

 _"You know why, the coke."_ She muttered as she focused on her ice cream. I had put mine down on the coffee table and was rubbing her feet instead. I was trying to get her to let her guard down. _"Are you gonna answer my question?"_ She looked at me with hurt in her eyes, and I looked down at her feet instead, rubbing in the spots that always made her groan. _"God, that feels good."_

 _"But she wasn't worried after knowing about the coke. She just wanted to help, but she believed in you, she told me that we shouldn't worry. Why'd that change?"_ My heart was racing. My hands went still, and my eyes were on her. She had her head down, stirring at her ice cream soup. _"Ana?"_

Please be sober...please?

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

How fucking dare she ignore my questions and continue to push me for whatever she thought I was hiding.

This is how people treated me after realizing that I was on drugs. They were always jumping to the worst conclusion and then badgering me to split myself open for them.

I should have expected this from Britt though, she'd always been this way from the moment she realized that I had a problem. I had created this part of her once I started being a liar about almost everything.

My body was shaking with rage as I looked down at my melted soup. I was at war with myself, the touching was amazing, but the way her questions were cutting into me made me feel cornered.

There was a knock on the door then, and we both looked up at it.

 _"Should I get that?"_ She asked me.

_"I don't know."_

_"Do you want me to? You look like you're about to cry."_

_"I just need a minute. You can answer it. I'm gonna go to the bathroom."_ She gripped my ankles loosely until I looked into her eyes. _"What?"_

_"Keep the door unlocked."_

I glared at her, but she just glared back.

 _"Fine."_ Only then did she let go of my ankles.

Being treated like this by her always hurt even if I had given her countless reasons to doubt me. I needed her to trust me and not assume the worst every time.

I stormed from the room, leaving my soupy ice cream behind. I slammed the bathroom door, and it rattled on the hinges, but I didn't give a flying motherfuck.

And for good measure, I locked the damned door because this was MY home.

Fuck her.

* * *

I dug the last Adderall out of my pocket, I'd been carrying it around all day long, and now that I felt my chest tight...well, I needed it.

But I needed it NOW, and there was only one way that I knew how to make a drug take immediate effect.

So I smashed the pill on the countertop...Britt had been right about that...come to think about it, she was right about a lot.

I knew my time was limited, so I bent over and snorted quick. I wiped off the sink, just like I knew to do, then I unlocked the door before washing my hands.

She was talking to someone, probably Quinn or my sister, but I didn't care.

The tightness in my chest lessened, and my head began to hammer loudly.

My phone buzzed, shocking me out of a trance.

_**We are at the table.-Q** _

_**Not hungry.-San** _

_**Adderall will do that to you. It's not for anxiety, San...it's for ADHD.-Q** _

_**Maybe I have that. Did you tell her?-San** _

_**No. Ceily wanted to eat with you and check-in. Hurry up, or one of them is going to break that door down.-Q** _

_**5.-Britt** _

_**Seriously a countdown?-Ana** _

_**4.-Britt** _

I let out a growl and then opened the door.

My phone buzzed, but I didn't bother looking at it.

Instead, I walked into the kitchen and slid down in the chair next to B.

I couldn't meet their eyes. Instead, I just looked down at my plate. The serving was Isaac sized compared to everyone else's.

Quinn, being the best person ever, used my bowed head as a segue.

 _"San's right, we should pray."_ She reached across the table and took my hand. Her palm was a little sweaty, like she was nervous. Did she feel responsible for this?

My nose tingled, and I sniffed really hard. Britt took my other hand and pulled it into her lap.

Without a hand to wipe at my nose, the inevitable dribble that came with snorting shit began.

I thought Quinn would just go with a quick Bless Us, O Lord, but instead, she went completely Protestant on me.

Bitch.

_"Heavenly Father, through you, this bounty has stretched and fed the masses. Thank you for this bounty, and ask that you use it to nourish our minds, bodies, and souls. I thank you for this opportunity to fellowship with people who mean so much to me. I thank you for providing me with the love of a chosen family when my family is lacking. Please help us to be trusting and loyal to one another. Help us to be forthright and compassionate with each other. In all things, Father, I ask that you remain present in and around us. In all these things, I pray. In the name of Jesus, Amen."_

The moment Quinn released my hand, I grabbed a napkin and wiped my face.

I expected all eyes to be on me, but Celia and Quinn were both looking down at their plates. It was only B that was looking at me.

_"Please?" She said, and somehow I knew what she was asking._

_"It's not coke."_ I said, and then I got up from the table and walked towards my favorite spot on the couch. _"Can we watch a movie while we eat? I need comfort."_ I said as I walked away.

My head was pounding, and my body ached as I pulled a blanket over myself and curled up in my favorite corner.

I didn't care anymore.

Hiding was exhausting, and I knew that all I had to do was give Quinn a look, and it would all come spilling out.

Maybe that's what I wanted.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Watching her leave the kitchen with stumbling footsteps wrecked me.

This was my fault. I was sure of it.

Instead of following Ana, though, I turned my anger towards Quinn.

 _"What do you know?"_ I asked, trying to keep myself in check.

Celia just kept eating, like maybe she knew what was going on already.

Then when she put her hand on top of Q's and leaned in to kiss her cheek, I knew that she did.

_"I'm going to sit with Ana. You talk to Britt. She's too angry to be around my sister right now."_

_"And you don't think she's too angry to be around me?"_

_"I'm medicated, and I have learned my lesson. I won't hurt you or Ana...or anyone."_ I said, and Q rolled her eyes.

 _"Go."_ She said to Ceily.

Q waited for Ceily to leave the room before moving into her empty seat. We sat across from each other, and she tried smiling, but I wouldn't smile back at her.

_"What's going on?"_

_"She was honest with Walker, and Walker, in turn, made her honest with me. She probably was going to tell you eventually today. It's not coke or painkillers."_

_"Then what is it because she is on SOMETHING."_

_"A few months ago, I was having trouble focusing in school. It was after everything went down. I went to my therapist, and she put me on Adderall for ADHD. It's really helped me be able to focus and not panic so much."_ Quinn looked guilty. _"When she stole the cigarettes...she also went through my bag and took some pills. I didn't know until Walker pushed her, to be honest with me."_

_"Why did she take them?"_

_"I think that she thought they would help her with anxiety. She took them, Walker noticed that she was off and confronted her."_

_"So they won't help her with anxiety?"_

_"No, they can actually make it worse. I'm guessing that she just snorted some more, which can amplify the effects. It was beyond stupid, and now, we need to just go easy on her until she comes down. Her panic attacks have gotten worse since everything with you and Grady. She usually smokes or just takes a nap until she calms down. I hate that it's come to this, but I think we can all understand why."_

_"How am I going to tell her now."_ I muttered, and Quinn straightened in her chair.

_"Tell her what?"_

_"I've been suspended. My bosses are really pissed about Grady leaving the show. Tony told me that they talked about suing me for breach of contract. I have to go plead my case in two Mondays from now."_

_"Shit."_

_"Yeah, it's bad. She was looking guilty, and I know she would have told me, but I pushed her before she was ready."_

_"Oh...that explains the drastic measure of snorting."_

_"This is my fault. She was doing so good before I came here."_

_"You are her reality, though, so eventually, she was going to have to deal with you and everything that comes with it."_

_"I'm not sure what to do now. We are supposed to be moving back in a few days."_

_"Postpone it. Walker says that San needs to close out things here before she goes, and not for nothing, but you are looking a little out of shape. Maybe you can use this week to work out a bit so that when you go back to New York, you'll be ready to dance."_

_"That's a good idea."_

_"I know."_

_"What will you be doing?"_

_"I have class on Monday, so I am leaving on Saturday night. I'll be flying back with all of the sisters. Pray for me."_

_"Well, that's not nice."_ Celia said as she walked into the kitchen.

 _"How is she?"_ I asked.

_"She passed out. I stretched her out on the couch and tucked her in."_

_"Thanks."_

_"We are going to get out of your hair. You two need some time alone, are you calm now?"_ Ceily asked. She had that look in her eyes like she was testing my response. I had come a long way from attacking my wife.

_"I am. I'm not mad; I just feel annoyed with myself. We do need to talk. Thanks for explaining things and being here."_

* * *

**2 Hours Later...**

* * *

I took the cookies off of the cooling rack and put them on the coffee table.

The baby monitor that I had put next to Ana in the bedroom rustled a bit. It was the first bit of movement that Ana had in hours.

Right on time.

I covered the food and then stripped off my clothes. My stomach ached a bit since I hadn't been able to finish my food earlier. Instead, I had to clean up the blood that had dripped onto the couch, then I had to put her in bed with a towel under her face.

After that, I didn't have an appetite, but I still had to take my pills as scheduled, only my stomach wasn't full enough to make the pills easy to digest.

We'd eat soon enough, though.

I slid into the cool sheets and put my arms around my wife. She curled up in my arms and let out a sigh.

 _"How are you feeling?"_ I asked, being sure to not speak too loud.

_"Thirsty."_

Quinn had warned me about that, so I had been prepared. I had plenty to drink out in the living room.

_"Okay, are you ready to continue our conversation?"_

She sniffed and then said dryly, _"Are you going to ignore my questions again?"_

_"No. I'm sorry that I did that. I wasn't ready to talk about my stuff yet."_

_"Tell me about it."_

_"I won't push you to talk. Quinn already told me what happened, so don't feel like you need to tell me everything. I just want to help you. That's it."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Fine."_

_"Are you hungry?"_

_"I can't eat turkey for another meal, B."_

_"Good because I got shrimp and pesto from Breadstix. It just got here, and the breadsticks are warm."_

She sat up so fast that I just knew what was going to come next. I grabbed the towel from her pillow and quickly put it to her nose.

 _"Oh, God. Still?"_ She mumbled as she wiped her nose. Then she pulled the towel away and sniffed again. _"It's never been this bad."_

_"Maybe that's a sign."_

_"I think you're right."_

Her stomach growled so loud that we both paused in our movements and laughed.

Which felt way better than anything else had that day.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I have denounced many things that I have only gone back to doing again, but this time, I know that I will NEVER snort pills again. The hangover was enough to scare me.

My head was pounding so hard that I could feel my eyes vibrating. Still, when I looked at my wife, her expression open and her eyes sparkling, I knew that I needed to be worthy of that kind of love.

She wrapped us in robes and then took my hand, leading me out of the room.

_"Do you need to pee?"_

_"Yeah."_

She followed me into the bathroom and then waited patiently while I peed. I deserved that.

While I washed my hands, she peed, and I just waited.

Maybe she was only hovering because she had to go too?

I decided then to stop overthinking and just go with the flow. When we just went from moment to moment, Britt and I flourished.

Britt washed her hands and then dampened a washcloth. I stood watching her, then she turned and was wiping my face with it. She was gentle and kept giving me this sweet smile.

I didn't know what to think of any of it. How was she so nice right now?

 _"Ready to eat?"_ She asked.

I nodded, and she leaned in and kissed me.

_"Good. Come on, I have a surprise."_

_"You do?"_

_"Mmmhmm. Do you trust me?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Close your eyes."_

I closed my eyes and bit my lip, trying like hell not to ruin this.

* * *

Britt led me from the bathroom with a scarf tied around my eyes.

She kept humming the lollipop song while I was taking super small steps.

_"You said that you trust me, Ana. Take bigger steps."_

_"I do trust you."_

We stopped at the edge of the kitchen and living room. I could tell because the cold tile butted against the living room's plush carpet, and I had no shoes on.

She let go of my hands and kissed my forehead.

_"Don't move."_

_"Okay."_

I stood still while she moved around me, and then I heard music playing low.

When she pulled the blindfold off, she was standing in front of me, blocking my view.

_"Before I let you see, I just wanna say that I'm sorry that I pushed earlier. I was trying to avoid my own drama by forcing you to talk about yours. That's not cool. I hope you can forgive me for that."_

_"I forgive you, B."_

_"Awesome! Ready?"_

_"Yes."_

She stepped to the side, and there in front of me was a fort that took up most of the living room. There were white lights in and around it.

_"So?"_

_"It's beautiful, B. It's exactly what I wanted."_

_"Good, so let's go inside and get our grub on, and if you're down for it, we can take a bubble bath after."_

_"I'm so down, Britt Britt."_

The food inside smelled so amazing.

Britt had put pillows on the floor, and the music that played was even louder.

 _"You sit there."_ She instructed, and I sat where she said to.

 _"Is this the Rumors album?"_ I asked, and she grinned.

_"It's our greatest hits playlist."_

_"Oh babe, I love when you make me a playlist."_

_"I know."_

If all of this had been a ruse to get me to drop my walls, she'd succeeded, especially since I knew that Quinn had done the hard work of snitching on me.

_"Are you mad at me?"_

_"No. I do understand why Walker was worried, but I'm not mad. I just want you to be smarter about how you deal with your stuff. What's that Dr. Clover says about managing?"_

_"Manage your expectations."_

_"Yes. I don't know how it applies here, but I'm sure it does."_

_"I'm going to get on her schedule this week and talk about all of this. I was trying to find anything to make my mind stop focusing on the drugs in the treehouse. It was dumb, and I regret it."_

_"Good, I'm glad that you're doing something about it."_

_"Hold me to it, B. Seriously. You're my wife, and your opinion matters to me above all else."_

_"More than Walker and Quinn?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Sweet."_

_"Now that you know what's going on with me, I think it's your turn."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"I got suspended pending an investigation into my contract breach."_

_"They're talking about suing?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"Are they going to sue Grady, too?"_

_"I don't know. All I know is that I will have to basically fight for my job when I go back in another week. Ari said she has my back, which will be great when it comes to Frank because he LOVES her, but August is who I'm worried about. Frank has always hated me, but August has been in my corner this whole time. I hate that I've let him down. I also hate that they told me through Tony."_

_"Cowards."_

_"I was still going to head back with you and your mom, but Quinn told me that you still have business here."_

_"Yeah, Walker won't let me leave until I have left her with a clear business plan. So I was going to stay an extra week and meet with all of my people. Rob and Walker, then the managers of the locations. So that would mean bringing in all of my managers from the Beans...the owners of the strip mall shops. I also need to meet with Sal, and I have a six-month check-up with my cardiologist here. It's a lot to do in a week, but I think I can manage."_

_"I'll stay then. We can go back together. Maybe we can even shop for places online."_

_"And what, send someone in person to walk through?"_

_"Yeah, with video. That way, we can just move into our own place."_

_"That's a good idea. What about the kids?"_

_"We can split them off. You take one, and I'll take the other. On days that you can't take either, then I'll take both. My mom won't mind helping either."_

_"Then I guess that's settled. I need you to do something, and it can't wait."_

_"Anything."_

_"Get a copy of your contract and call Mami, tell her everything and see if she can help you."_

_"I...she's...I don't want her to look at me differently when she finds out everything."_

_"Mami won't look at you differently. She knows about Grady and our arrangement. I tell her way more than she ever lets on."_

_"You do?"_

_"Of course, she's my OG best friend."_

_"I know what you mean. My mom was my first bestie too, and then Court, of course."_

* * *

**2 Days Later...**

* * *

We woke up early Sunday morning and kissed the kids goodbye while they slept. Mom and Dad were still in bed, so sneaking out of their house felt just like high school.

Ana held tight to my hand on the drive over to the Lima Bean; we grabbed four large coffees and then drove to her childhood home.

Her sisters had left the day before, so the house was empty.

Moving trucks were in the driveway already, with Hector.

I held tight to my wife's hand when we walked into the house. We'd been hiding in our fort and then my parents' house for two days, foregoing any further help with the house. The sisters and brothers-in-law took care of finishing the job.

She teared up when we walked into her father's empty office. At random, she pointed to a spot on the floor.

_"That's where I stood when I told him I was in love with you...and that over there is how far I slid when he slapped me."_

Her words made words catch in my throat.

She'd been through way more than I could ever imagine. I just wanted to shield her from any more pain.

 _"Mami?"_ She called out.

 _"Cocina."_ Gladys called back.

Ana's handheld tight to mine as we went into the kitchen.

Gladys looked straight at me. _"When you get to New York, we will discuss this contract that you signed, and if you stay on with the company, we will be negotiating these terms."_

 _"Will they go for that?"_ Ana asked me.

_"Everyone negotiates; I was the only one who didn't."_

_"Mami's the best. Just one look from her, and they'll give you whatever you want."_

_"I just wanna dance."_

_"And dance, you shall, Mi'ja."_ Gladys said, patting my arm. Then she patted her cheek with her finger. _"Que Dios te Bendiga, Nanita."_

_"Ay Mami, Bendicion. I was distracted, sorry."_

_"Mmm."_

_"So, what's the plan?"_

_"Our flight leaves in four hours. The movers should be done here in twenty minutes. Then you two can take us to the airport. Everything I've left behind will be picked up by the storage company—smart idea, putting this house under your property management umbrella, one less thing to worry about. Rob is going to be here tomorrow to oversee the storage movers. I don't need them breaking my shit."_

_"Right, and where do you plan to put your moving stuff that's going to New York?"_

_"I'm going to be a great mom and move all of your stuff downstairs to the guest room. I'll make sure the stuff that you won't be using right away is packed up and put in the garage."_

_"Thanks."_

_"One more thing,"_ Gladys looked at us both, and I knew whatever was coming was embarrassing. _"Rumor has it that you had sex on the kitchen table?"_

Ana was mortified while I just hummed the mash-up we had done in school. She looked at me with wide eyes, and I just shrugged.

 _"Yeah."_ She muttered to her mom.

_"Good to know, that's going in the trash."_

I cackled, Ana elbowed me, but I couldn't stop. Instead, I leaned close to her ear and hummed the lollipop song.

We were definitely already in a better place.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_**Tuesday, December 3rd, 2013** _

_**Dear Henry,** _

_**So much has happened since I started writing here. Today though was monumental for me. I think I found a new home in the city. I just need Britt's approval. I told her that sky was the limit, knowing that she's so cheap there's no way she could top my actual budget.** _

_**More than that, I had a video call with Doc and Cici. I told them about the Adderall and admitted that I was trying to find release. I talked to them about the coke, and then Doc kicked Cici off the call. She evaluated me and diagnosed my moderate anxiety. She's sending a prescription to the pharmacy today but expressly forbid me from taking Adderall because it would only make things worse.** _

_**I don't know what the hell got into me other than just being overwhelmed with all that cocaine.** _

_**The positive in all of this is that I was in a house full of people when it happened. God only knows how bad it could have been if I had been alone.** _

_**I've just got to thank God that I wasn't.** _

_**Hopefully, these pills will make a difference.** _

_**Laundry's done,** _

_**Talk soon.** _

_**-Santana** _

* * *

I was on the floor folding Daniela's clothes while she babbled to me, and it hit me just how calm I felt.

 _"Mami."_ She said to me, and I smiled at her.

_"Yes, baby."_

She waved her hand at me, and I knew immediately that she wanted to sing.

I put the folded clothes in the laundry basket and then moved closer to her.

 _"La linda manita, que tiene el bebé, qué linda, qué bella,_ _qué preciosa es."_ Her gummy smile lit up my world. _"Yay!"_ She clapped her hands and then began to shake them at me again. So I sang it again, _"La linda manita, que tiene el bebé, qué linda, qué bella, qué preciosa es."_

We went on like this over and over again until the bedroom door opened, and Isaac came in with Britt right behind him.

Once Daniela saw her brother, she forgot all about the nursery rhyme.

 _"Oh, were you singing the hand song?"_ Britt asked, and I nodded.

_"I was."_

_"Did she make you do it a hundred times?"_

_"Sure did."_ Britt leaned over and kissed me before lifting the laundry basket onto the dresser.

_"Awesome, go do you; I'll put these clothes away and get them ready for bath time."_

_"You're the best."_

_"I know."_ I kissed both of my babies before kissing Britt.

_"Thanks, B. I've had to pee for like 45 minutes."_

_"Sorry about that. I got here as soon as I could, go take care of that. Maybe start the tub for these two goofballs."_

The kids had gone back to hugging, and it made my heart melt.

I hoped that they kept this bond for a lifetime.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

**3 Days Later...**

* * *

The week went way faster than I expected it to. All week, I'd been running with Sue while Izzy was strapped to my back or just running routines with Izzy dancing beside me in the studio over my parents' garage.

Ana was even busier than I was. She was running around with Walker, going to meetings for business and her recovery, all while insisting that Dani didn't need coverage. I was amazed to see her every night in the nursery with Dani, singing to her or playing with her.

Seeing her in her element as a mom, finally, was a dream come true.

When she was with the kids one-on-one, you could tell that the only thing that mattered was their happiness.

And now, with just two days left in Lima, we are going to do our walkthrough of the penthouse that she fell in love with.

Quinn and Gladys are going there with the realtor and showing us everything in person.

My only responsibility is bringing home dinner from We Lime.

All Ana has wanted for days is waffles, but I'm never in West Lima, so today, I took a detour and headed to the diner on the way home from Sue's.

Izzy was asleep in the carrier, his head against my back when someone called my name.

_"Brittany?"_

When I turned, I wished that I hadn't.

 _"No."_ I said.

But she came over anyway.

_"I thought that was you. How are you? When did you get to Lima?"_

_"I've been here for a month. I thought you left town?"_

_"I did; the danger has passed, so I'm here handling some business. Obviously, Santana is still around."_ She reached behind me, and I heard Izzy's tired little 'hola'. _"Hey little buddy, ha ha ha!"_ She said in Elmo's voice.

I hated that she had a bond with my son.

_"Can you not hype him up, please?"_

_"Oh right, it's nearly bath and bedtime. My bad."_

_"What do you want?"_

_"Is she still sober?"_

_"Yes. No thanks to you shoving a kilo of coke at her."_ I was glaring now, but I tried to keep my voice light; I didn't want Izzy to get upset.

 _"I didn't have a choice. Don't worry, I'm not coming to win her back. I got married...not that you care."_ She waved her finger at me.

_"Who would be nuts enough to marry you?"_

_"Carmen."_

_"Nico's Carmen?'_

_"She's my Carmen."_ There was a glint in her eyes that I didn't like.

Gross.

_"Congratulations."_

_"You're not going to come around and ruin things, are you?"_

_"No. Seeing you here was a coincidence. I wasn't even planning on anyone knowing that I was here. I'm only here tonight. Gotta head back to the wife and kid."_

The moment my name was called, I grabbed my order and left Sugar standing there.

_"Bye to you, too, Brittany. Bye, Izzy."_

_"Bye!_ " He yelled.

* * *

I was bouncing on my feet outside the apartment door, trying to burn away my anger from seeing Sugar.

 _"Mami! Mami!"_ Ana opened the door as I paced the hallway, and Izzy saw her first.

She held up a bag of trash towards me.

_"Can you throw that down the shoot?"_

_"You're not going to ask me what's wrong?"_

_"Sugar texted me. I know what's wrong. Whenever you're ready, come on in."_

_"You still talk to her? I thought she ghosted you."_

_"She did. This was the first time I heard from her. We're good, B. I swear."_

She caught herself at the same time I felt my heartbreak. I felt the tears but tried not to make it obvious, Izzy was watching. Even though I couldn't see him, I could feel his tiny hand rubbing my back.

Even though I was hurting, I put a smile on my face when I went to take the bag from her, but she didn't let go; instead, she pulled me forward. Her free hand wrapping around my neck, her eyes were locked on mine.

_"I need you to know that I don't want anyone else, not Sugar, Ari, or any other person. I just want you. I'm yours, B. Proudly so."_

Her words hit me and brought me back to that hallway when she was in tears, trying to get me to understand how she felt about me.

 _"Proudly so, Ana, I'm yours."_ She kissed me, and then she patted my shoulder, pushing me off.

_"Go throw that away and come inside. I have needs."_

I had gotten worked up for nothing, trust was a tricky thing, but it was more because of me than her.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

She took longer than it should have to throw a bag down a chute, but I wasn't going out into that hallway again. I wouldn't bug her. Instead, I set the table and then sat there with Daniela in my lap.

 _"Mano."_ She said and shook her hand at me.

I took her little hand and began to sing.

 _"La linda manita, que tiene el bebé, qué linda, qué bella,_ _qué preciosa es."_

_"Yay!"_

_"Che Che?"_ She said, and I sighed. We'd been making progress with her not breastfeeding, but my anxiety rose the longer Britt was lingering outside. I pulled up my shirt, and Daniela squealed _. "Yay!"_

_"Enjoy while you can. I told you, baby girl, After your 1st birthday, you're cut off from my leche."_

Her eyes twinkled as she ate. She held onto my boob like it was her lifeline.

 _"You gave in?"_ Britt asked, and I looked up at her red-rimmed eyes. _"I look worse than I feel, don't look at me like that."_

_"I only want you, B."_

_"I know."_

She took off the carrier pack and helped Isaac to his feet. He waited for her to help him out of the carrier, and then he ran over to me and put his head on my leg. I rubbed his curls, and he patted my leg.

_"You believe me, right?"_

_"I do. I was already feeling anxious about Monday. I have a lot on my mind, and I could just tell that she was trying to make me mad."_

_"I get that. Sugar likes to get people riled up. She's a sociopath and I told her so."_

_"You did?"_

_"Yup. I told her to give my love to Carmen, and I reminded her that the moment she gave that kilo to me, we were done."_

_"Good."_

_"Mami and Quinn should be calling soon. Let's get these two fed and bathed, so we can eat."_

_"Okay, I'll feed Izzy."_

Britt looked much calmer.

Crisis averted.

* * *

Even after they ate, Daniela double-time with breastmilk and baby food, Mami and Quinn still hadn't called us. So we started birthtime.

Isaac was dazed as he sat in the tub and I could see it coming, he was getting sick again.

 _"Does he look a little off to you?"_ I asked B while I washed Daniela's hair.

Britt looked over at Isaac and nodded.

 _"Hey, buddy?"_ He looked up at her and smiled. _"Come here."_ He moved closer to Britt who was kneeling next to me. She put her hand on his back then looked over at me nervously. _"He's wheezing."_

_"Okay, um...finish cleaning her and I'll get him set up with his machine."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"You get him all day, I get him at night. That's the deal, she's all yours."_

Britt looked at Daniela and fake glared. _"Don't bite me. I don't have any che che."_

Once I had Isaac dried and in a fresh diaper, his inability to take a deep breath became more obvious.

He was close to tears as he sat in the glider with his mask on while I turned on Elmo for him.

 _"You need to hold him while he's doing it, baby. He needs the comfort."_ Britt came into the room with a giggly baby wrapped up in a towel. I was obviously out of practice with my son.

I stopped cleaning up the room and slid into the glider with him. Once he was in my lap, he curled up and rested his face against my chest.

Daniela was glaring at him while Britt got her ready.

 _"Hey, be nice."_ Britt scolded her.

 _"Che che."_ She whined, her bottom lip trembling.

_"Seriously, kid? She's so getting cut off."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"It's perfect."_ Ana whispered while she nursed Dani again. The penthouse was beautiful and had this great room, that Ana promised I could use as my practice space.

_"There are two other offers already in."_

_"What's the top bid?"_ Ana was negotiating already.

_"1.3. Which is below the threshold that you and Sandra set last week."_

_"Where's the owner?"_

_"She's showing Quinn the view."_

_"Make the offer for 1.5, cash."_

Try as I might to not thinking it, Grady's words haunted me. Ana treated life like a game of Monopoly but instead of letting that thought slip past my lips, I tucked the blanket around our sleeping son who wouldn't let me put him down after his treatment.

So much for Ana's needs, there were definitely going to be kids in the bed with us that night.

Ana made the offer and the owner accepted with a happy smile. Gladys signed on Ana's behalf and just like that we had a new home.

_"Thanks for this Mami."_

_"My pleasure, she says that you can move in this weekend. So I will get your stuff moved here and rally your sisters to get you unpacked."_

_"Seriously? You don't mind?"_

_"We are a family, Nanita, this is what we do."_

_"Okay, thanks."_

Ana overlooked the part of this that benefited Gladys, with our stuff out, she'd be able to make the house her own.

I was happy because I had dance space and because I wouldn't have to go back to that house.

There were just too many ugly memories in that place.

* * *

**Two Days Later...**

* * *

By the time we got off the plane and into the car, I was beyond annoyed with everyone and everything.

Ana had insisted that we get in early Sunday morning so that we'd have a whole day to get adjusted before I went back to work. When she said it, I thought it was a great plan but when it was actually time to do it, I hated every second of it.

 _"I missed this car."_ Ana said from the back seat. _"Has it really just been sitting in the garage all of these months?"_

Quinn shrugged.

_"I'm sure one or more of your sisters have used it. I had to get the keys from Sandra which meant a cab to West Chester, then a cab to the house, before coming to the airport."_

_"Gross."_ I muttered.

_"I filled the fridge for you guys but the pantry was all Gladys. I can't wait for you two to see the place, it's amazing."_

I rolled my eyes and stared out at the city skyline. My fate was going to be decided the next day, and all I wanted to do was run away.

_"Thanks, Q. Are you going to stick around for a bit, or do you have plans?"_

_"I was hoping you'd let me keep the car for a bit, I wanted to go see Beth. They're all the way out on Long Island, and the train ride is merciless."_

_"Sure, Q. Anywhere we need to go, we can get a cab or the subway."_

_"Thanks."_

I felt a hand rubbing my arm and turned to glare at Q but it was Ana. She was searching my eyes and giving me a sweet smile. How could I be mad at that?

_"It's going to be okay, Britt Britt, I've got your back."_

_"Thanks."_

I knew that my mood was a hot mess but who could blame me? All the things that I had been trying to put out of my mind since my surgery were back to slap me in the face. I would have to deal with all the Grady drama again and while I loved that Ana and her mom were going to help me, I was embarrassed. There was just so much that they didn't know and would probably find out in the next couple of days. 

And then there were things that Grady said that were starting to ring true and I hated to look at my wife through the eyes of the man that ruined my life. 

I was a work in progress, just like Ana the major difference is that consequences don't seem to stick to her like they do to me. 

Please God, take away this resentment...this is on me. 

My fault, my bad.

I was doing my best not to bargain with God but it was becoming harder as time marched on. I pressed my hands to my scar and thought about all that I had already lost and decided that in comparison, a job was just a job. 

And my wife, my soulmate must have felt that quitting spirit because she pinched my arm so I'd turn to look at her. 

_"If you're going to lose your job, go out like a winner. Go down swinging. You're a Lopez and we don't fucking quit our dreams."_

_"Yeah?"_ I challenged. _"What about you?"_

_"You are my dream, B. That's why I'm still here."_

_"Okay, I'll fight."_

_"Atta girl."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: One more chap in this present to come. I'm thinking it will be up tonight or in the morning. Love you, chicas!


	20. Better Life (P!nk)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Okay, I lied here's the next chapter but I've got one more in this time period. We have to find out what happens at Britt's job. Duh. Hope you're well.

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Brittany was a bitch. Leaving Lima had been hard on her. I knew that being there had been a security blanket, protecting her from the world.

I could even understand her nerves when it came to working. She'd given up a tour for this show, and she'd been able to create the choreography over people with way more experience than her.

Susan had cornered me a few times, trying to convince Britt to just open her own studio, but I couldn't do that. If Britt wanted a studio, it would have to be her idea, or she'd never succeeded.

I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt when Isaac clutched his chest and whined the whole flight, she was snippy with him, and I traded babies.

Daniela's giggles and happy face usually do the trick on any sour moods, but not even that worked.

Then, she got even worse in the car. Everything Quinn or I said got an eye roll or a sigh.

Quinn kept shooting me looks the whole way through the rearview.

This, too, shall pass...that's what I kept saying to myself.

But then we got to TriBeCa, which took me back to my summer here with Marco. Despite the total fuckshow that was escorting, I had fallen in love with the neighborhood. We weren't as close to Britt's job, but we were closer to Broadway, which is where her show would end up.

The building that we stood in front of with the babies strapped to our backs was only about 10 stories tall, shorter than many New York high-rises.

I could have bought a fancier place up higher, but I wasn't trying to flex for anyone.

Britt, though seemed over all of it.

Like seriously, how patient could I be.

Quinn pulled our single carry-on out of the car and gave it over to Britt. Surprisingly, she didn't snatch it.

I turned towards Q, and she pulled me into a hug.

_"Let me know if you need anything. I'll bring the car back tonight."_

_"Do you have class tomorrow?"_

_"No, administrative holiday."_

_"Why don't you bring it in the morning then? We'll be fine without it."_

_"Are you sure?"_ She dropped her voice. _"Is SHE sure?"_

_"We'll be fine. I'll text you later."_

_"Cool."_ She handed me the keys and then went over to Britt and Izzy. She kissed him and muttered something to Britt, who just shrugged and looked away.

God, please just let this be nerves.

* * *

Pictures didn't do our new penthouse any justice. It had two levels and an elevator inside. The second floor was a loft space that I thought we could use as her dance space and my music room.

I had been hoping it was big enough, but I knew that I had nothing to worry about when I saw how big the place was.

There was a balcony off the living room that held a private patio and a great downtown view.

Our furniture from the house was already set up. Britt scoffed at this.

 _"Of course."_ Britt muttered.

 _"Che Che?"_ Daniela asked, and I was more than happy to pop a tit out just to have a distraction from Britt's overall attitude.

 _"Hold on, baby girl. Let's go check out your room."_ Daniela didn't care about her room, but she didn't ask again. I walked through the living room and made a mental note to furniture shop with Britt once we dealt with her job.

I wasn't going to bring it up to her at that moment though, I was at the end of my patience; I was beyond close to snapping at her.

Past the kitchen, there was a room to the left and then a hallway to the right.

I took a right, and Britt groaned but still followed me. I just wanted to slap her.

Fuck.

The kids' rooms were both bare except for their furniture, thank God. If Mami had thought to paint, Britt would have probably made a big deal about that too.

I ignored B and glanced into our bedroom. As a surprise to Britt, I had bought a new mattress given that we'd both fucked other people on the old one.

There was no sheet, just the plastic covering, and she turned so quickly that Isaac let out a yelp.

She at least looked guilty for that.

_"Sorry, Buddy."_

_"You can put him down, B."_

_"I don't trust the doors and windows. I need to be sure they are locked before I let him wander."_

_"Good point."_

She'd been nice for a split second, but then her face got annoyed again. _"You said we'd buy all new furniture together. What is that?"_ She pointed to the bed.

I wouldn't be the one to bring up her and Grady, so I used myself as an example.

_"Do you really want to keep the bed that I had sex with Quinn in?"_

She cringed.

_"No."_

_"Neither do I. You can help me pick out everything else, but we needed a bed, so I took the initiative to make sure we had one."_

_"Because it's so easy for you."_ She muttered.

_"What was that? If you have something to fucking say, then say it."_

_"Fine..._ _Grady pointed something out to me about you...that I never noticed before. Now I do...I guess."_

The fucking nerve.

_"Anything that he 'noticed about me' had to come from you because I spent ZERO time with him."_

_"Che Che!"_ Daniela screamed over me, and then Isaac joined in.

 _"No fight!"_ I rolled my eyes at my son. Of course, he'd learn that from my mom, of all things. She'd probably done that on purpose.

_"We're not fighting, Isaac."_

_"Down!"_ He screamed, and then Daniela mimicked him.

_"Dow!"_

_"Can we just put a pin in this, Brittany? Put him down and unpack. I'm going to walk away before I say something that I can't take back."_

I walked away from her and towards the elevator that went to the loft. Why not cheer myself up, right?

She saw me hit the button and threw up her hands.

_"Of course, there's an elevator to go up ONE floor."_

_"Che che?"_ Daniela whined, so I just said fuck it and went over to the couch and popped out my boob.

Seeing his sister out of the carrier, Isaac unleashed a scream so loud that it pierced the air.

_"DOWN!"_

Finally, she dropped that fucking attitude and tended to our son.

About fucking time.

I was SO over her.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

She wouldn't look at me once she began to feed Dani. Instead, she was staring out at the patio, which was decorated with lights and fake plants.

If I wasn't so bitter, I knew that I'd be able to love this place, but I couldn't stop myself.

This wasn't even my usual anger. It was something else entirely. I was getting on my own nerves, and you can't ignore yourself...or can you?

When I finally unstrapped Izzy, he was glowering at me. He ran away from me, climbed up on the couch, and laid against Ana.

I deserved that.

My face was itching, and my stomach burned, which only added to my mood. All last week, I had been dancing harder than I had in a long time, which made my muscles tight and made me dizzy.

Mom said I was overdoing it. She was definitely right, but I was stubborn. Dancing was the only thing that could make me happy when the world was falling apart.

I took the suitcase to our bedroom and explored until I found the closet. It was the size of my bedroom back in Lima, and once again, there was Grady's voice haunting me. He'd wanted me to use her money for our benefit. He kept telling me that alimony could set the two of us up for life. We could open our own studio and never have to answer to another person.

But that wasn't my dream...she was my dream; it just took me a while to see it.

When I came back out to the living room, the baby was still latched on, but Isaac was passed out.

 _"I'll put him to bed."_ I mumbled and then picked him back up. He opened his eyes and tried to glare at me, but he was too tired. _"You stink."_ I said to him as we went into his near-empty room. _"Let's see if the magical servants left you a diaper that fits."_ I sang at him, and he just laid there, continuing to sleep. I had been right. His diaper cabinet was completely full. I tried not to let the bitterness get to me. Instead, I changed his diaper and then settled him in his little toddler bed.

 _"Emo."_ He whispered. I pulled open his closet door and found all of his old toys lined up neatly.

I couldn't ignore the love that his things had been put away with. This wasn't a servant. It was his grandmother's doing. I needed to get over myself and quick.

What was my dumb problem?

* * *

I went back to the living room and saw Dani sitting in a high chair with Cheerios. As usual, she was babbling at Ana.

She was trying to stay busy. It'd been a long morning. We'd barely eaten when we left Lima, so now she was getting ready to cook.

Usually, she'd turn on music and would dance while she cooked. It'd always been one of my favorite things.

But now, she moved around with nothing, but the Dani's babbles.

She glanced at me for a split second but didn't say a word; instead, she filled a pot with water, took it to the stove, put salt, and left it to boil. She was humming under her breath until she came back and saw me hovering at the counter still. She went to the refrigerator pulled out a pack of chicken before pulling out a huge knife and cutting board.

I could tell she was trying not to lash out at me. She'd come so far from the sophomore Cheerio, who would have threatened to stab me with that knife.

Just as she was about to start cutting the chicken, she froze and looked up at me with cold eyes.

_"I need some space, B. Why don't you go upstairs and look at the dance space? You can even take the stairs since you're too good for the elevator."_

Too good for an elevator?

I was just astonished that there was one in the first place. It seemed crazy.

She pointed went back to the chicken, but I couldn't be dismissed, not right then.

_"Are you angry about me mentioning Grady?"_

She looked up at me and stared for a long moment before looking back down at the food before she spoke.

_"No...I'm not angry that you mentioned him."_

_"Could you try looking at me when you lie to me?"_ I said, moving around the counter to insert myself between her and the cutting board.

She looked up at me and then placed the knife on the counter and took a step back.

_"Fine...I'm a little upset...but it's not just because you mentioned him. I think...I'm over him in general. I don't want to be compared to him, and I'm really angry with him for what he did to you."_

_"He didn't do anything that I didn't allow him to, and you're right, anything he said was something he learned from me. I was mad at you, and I said things that I shouldn't have."_

_"That's an understatement."_

I put a finger under her chin and leaned in to kiss her, but she pulled back.

_"No, B. I won't kiss you while the ghost of him hovers between us."_

_"Fine."_ I said, then I tried to step away, but her hands came down on either side of me and rested on the countertop blocking me in.

_"He manipulated you, Britt...I don't really think you had a say in doing that. He got so deep into your head that even over a month later, you're thinking about him at every moment. I asked you for space. We can either go into this right now or give me a moment to process things. I'm trying to be better, B. I'm trying to take the high road."_

_"Of course you are; when I'm finally ready to talk, you shut down."_

_"Trust me, you wouldn't like the alternative. Don't piss off the person making your food."_

_"Is that threat?"_

_"No, B...just...go...please?"_

_"Fine...we don't have to talk about this right now."_

_"Fine with me."_

_"I'm going to unpack."_ I whispered.

She stepped back and let me step away.

And just like that, the aura of happiness she'd been trying to keep all morning had been cracked and shattered because of what I had said and done.

Hopefully, this was the only issue we encountered because I thought we were making progress.

One step forward, two steps back.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I watched Britt walk away while feeling way too much.

This was our first day in our new home, and already we were at odds.

My first thought was to reach out to my mom or one of my sisters as a distraction but settled that I didn't need yet another person in my marriage. I decided that it was better if I tried to push through things in my own way.

I pulled the rosary from under my shirt and prayed over our home and our children.

 _"Che Che?"_ Daniela yelled towards me.

_"No."_

_"No?"_ Her little chin wobbled, and my resolve nearly broke, but then I heard the thumps from upstairs. She was dancing...which was something she only did when she wasn't angry. I kissed Daniela's sweet face and gave her some more Cheerios.

I turned up my Marc Anthony mix and began dancing away my troubles.

_**Nanita, are you home?-Mami** _

I threw the chicken into the pan before responding.

_**Home, making an early lunch. Sorry I didn't call.-Nanita** _

_**That's fine, Quinn let me know.-Mami** _

_**What a good daughter she is!-Nanita** _

_**I know, I've been hoping she'd rub off on you. ;P-Mami** _

_**Haha! Are you coming by tonight to prep, B?-Nanita** _

_**Are you going with her?-Mami** _

_**I kind of want to, even if I'm just there for moral support.-Nanita** _

_**Let me know, you can bring the kids here on your way.-Mami** _

_**I'll talk to B about it.-Nanita** _

* * *

_"Mami?"_ Isaac called, his voice sounding harsh.

I turned down the stove's heat, gave Daniela some more cereal, and then rushed to his room.

He was lying in his bed with tears in his eyes.

_"What's wrong, Papa?"_

_"Emo gone."_ I looked around, and there was his Elmo tangled in the blankets.

I picked him up and tried to do the voice like Sugar had taught me.

_"Here I am, Izzy!"_

He looked astonished that I had found Elmo. I placed the stuffed Muppet in his arms, and he snuggled back into the bed, holding Elmo super tight.

 _"Happy."_ He mumbled.

_"Good. I love you, Papa."_

_"Love you, Mami."_ I kissed his little head and then went back to the kitchen.

The chicken was nearly done, even on the low heat. I turned the music back up and danced as I finished up lunch.

Daniela was half asleep in her chair until she saw me, and then she was reaching.

_"Che Che! Ma, Che Che!"_

_"Bottle?"_ I asked her, reaching for the baby bag, and she shook her head.

_"No! Che Che!"_

_"Baby girl, you can either have this bottle or those Cheerios."_ I pointed to the cereal and then tried to hand her the bottle, which really had juice in it but still didn't want it. She wanted me.

 _"Chi Chi."_ She said, and I nodded.

_"Okay, you eat those, and you can have leche later. Okay?"_

_"K."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

The elevator wasn't even that cool...it went up one floor and looked like it was older than my parents.

I could see how helpful it would be for Ana, who still had bad days walking. Somehow, I'd forgotten about that.

She masked the stutter so well these days; it really only came out when she was beyond tired or when she was caught off guard.

I hated the way she looked at me in the kitchen, with all the hurt in the world.

When we were looking at places, she had insisted to her mom and Quinn that there be a space for me to dance. Any place too small was a deal-breaker. In my haste to allow Grady's allegations some importance, I forgot that she'd picked this place because of me.

At least, I had forgotten until I saw the great room that had her old piano in the corner by the window and plenty of space to dance.

The sight of it brought tears to my eyes and made me feel so much regret for how I'd acted.

Coming home to a place we'd picked all on our own should have been a happy occasion, and I'd ruined it.

Grady was wrong about Ana. I wasn't even sure why I had listened to him in the first place.

I kicked off my boots and spun across the floor, coming to a stop at the plate glass window that had a perfect view of the Empire State Building. Ana had probably paid extra for this view, and I'd be able to dance with that as my background.

How could I hate her for that?

If I didn't have to work anymore, I'd be happy to give private lessons in this room. I didn't need a studio; we could hang mirrors and a barre against the far wall.

I felt so excited and remorseful. How could I punish her for making a dream that I didn't even know had come true?

* * *

I danced until I felt like I was floating, and only then did I go back downstairs.

This time, Ana wasn't in silence; she had the salsa music blaring and was dancing around the kitchen as she stirred pots and poked at some stuff in a frying pan.

This was when she was the most like Gladys.

She belted out some lines of the song and then turned in place a few times.

Hearing her sing in Spanish was just too marvelous for words.

I stood against the opposite counter, just watching her put on her own mini-concert.

Grady was so wrong about her.

And I should have known better.

It took a whole five minutes before she actually realized that I was standing there.

When she did, she looked nervous, but I smiled at her, and she smiled back.

 _"How was it?"_ She was always braver than me, even now.

 _"Amazing."_ I could describe the space a million ways, but she really needed to see it for herself.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Definitely."_

_"Good, are you hungry?"_

_"Starving."_

I just watched as she piled used dishes next to the sink. Wanting to keep myself busy and get back in her good graces, I rinsed the dishes and stacked them in the dishwasher.

 _"Ma!"_ Dani yelled at me, and I turned to her.

_"Yes, baby?"_

_"Chi Chi."_

_"What's that?"_ I asked Ana.

 _"Cheerios. She's putting those four little teeth to work."_ She pointed to the bowl on the counter, _"Just give her a handful. My hands will make them taste like garlic."_ After pouring some cereal for Dani, I went back to cleaning up while Ana served us.

By the time that she served up our two plates, the kitchen looked spotless, and the dishwasher was ready for our used plates when we finished eating.

_"I'm going to go check on Izzy."_

_"No need, there's a monitor in there...it works, I heard what you said about servants earlier."_

I was speechless, but she seemed amused.

Great.

* * *

She pulled the high chair over to the dining room table, and then we sat together at the dining room table. She held hands as I prayed over the food, and once the formalities were out of the way.

Ana folded her hands in front of her plate and cleared her throat. Even though she flinched after.

_"What is that about? Why do you hate it so much when people clear their throats?"_

She shrugged. _"Marco hated it so much. I did it one time in front of him, and he slapped me so hard that I cracked a tooth."_

 _"Oh."_ She took a bite of her chicken and then took a long sip of her water before looking at me again.

_"Okay, I'm ready, B. What did he say about me?"_

I tried to smile at her, but it didn't feel right.

 _"Che Che."_ Dani said, and Ana sighed.

 _"Eat your Chi Chi."_ I was stunned when Dani actually nodded and continued to stuff the cereal into her mouth. _"Tell me, Britt."_

Even though I expected her to ask me, I was nervous to even think about Grady in front of her. After having that moment alone upstairs, I realized that I had been wrong.

_"He told me that you are stuck up snob. He said that you throw your money around, that you don't even notice that the people around you aren't all rich, and you rub it in their faces."_

_"What I'm hearing is that YOU think that I'm a stuck up snob, is that right?"_

Ana put her fork down and then tented her fingers as she leaned over her plate. I could tell that she was trying to hold in her anger, especially in front of Dani, but I wasn't sure how much longer it would last.

_"NO! I don't think that. You're the most generous person that I know! You helped Quinn with school, my dad with a job, and Walker by keeping her from losing the Beans. I see who you are, baby. I just got caught up."_

_"If that's true, then what did you mean by all the little comments today, Brittany?"_ She looked like she wanted to cry. _"Make it make sense."_

_"I guess I just...I have never noticed how you are with your money...until I was cut off by Sandra. You weren't around to help me with things. I had to worry about way more without you around. Then you bought this place like it was nothing. I had nothing while you were gone. It was kind of hard. You have never had to go through any real struggle, Ana...you don't know what it's like being without stability."_

_"And that makes me a snob? Does that mean our kids will be snobs, too, because guess what they are barely walking, and they both have trust funds bigger than most people make in five years. Will they be stuck up?"_

I really screwed this up.

_"No. Not with you as their mother. You aren't stuck up. I guess. I just...it's just...I don't know how to explain it."_

_"Then don't explain because everything you say just makes it worse."_

_"I'm trying!"_

_"Che Che!"_ She looked over at Dani, who had finished all of the cereal.

She lifted her out of the chair and got her latched on.

_"Look, B. I might have money, but I try not to splurge on frivolous shit. I give back to those around me, I donate to a legal defense fund, and I try to never make people feel bad about their lives._ _I live on a budget."_

_"I know."_

_"Do you?"_

_"Yes?"_

_"Is that a question? Maybe you should tell Grady that I have spent my life surrounded by people who have never let me rise above the color of my skin. They always assume that I am nothing more than what I look like."_

_"How could anyone hate you?"_

_"Ask the Lima police who beat me up in custody."_

_"I don't know what to say. It just feels like you are just throwing the fact that you can pay things in my face."_

_"Say less, B. I will stop being generous. I'll let you do you, and I'll do me."_

_"That's not what I mean."_

_"Regardless of what you mean, I need you to remember that for me to have any of this money, my father had to die."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"I don't want you to be sorry; I want you to understand my side of things."_

_"Okay."_

_"I might have grown up in that big ass house, but I spent a lot of time alone since both of my parents worked. I was so fucking lonely, B. When I wasn't there alone, I spent my childhood in Lima Heights Adjacent at Abuela's house."_ She was crying now as she ran her fingers through Dani's hair. She looked up at me and gave me a sad smile. _"My best friend, Ari, shared her little house with all those brothers and her parents. I didn't care about that. I just wanted to be her friend."_

_"I know, she told me."_

_"If you allow Grady to come between us, there won't be an us for much longer. At the end of the day, I would give my money away if it meant that I could be happy, sober and that my kids are healthy. I'd give everything up if it meant that you never had to suffer again; that's the woman you married."_

With her free hand, she was angrily stabbing at her chicken. I agreed with every word and realized that the comment that I had made...was stupid.

Grady didn't know Ana.

But I did.

Good going, blondie!

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Daniela latched on for about five minutes before she fell asleep. I tried to prove my point to Britt with aching breasts and a baby who kept squeezing my boob every time I moved.

I needed to run far away and get my head together.

And even though she'd been a little shit all day long, Britt took the sleeping baby out of my arms and insisted that I go get some air.

I was suspicious of her, but I didn't argue. I cleaned up my leaking nipples and then shoved my feet into my boots, grabbed my wallet and keys.

Britt still hadn't come back out to the dining room, I felt no reason to wait, so I didn't.

Stepping back out into the New York City streets made me feel alive.

There was foot traffic in every direction, and I melded right in.

First, I walked across the street and was whistled at in a matter of seconds.

_"Yo! Santi, is that you?"_

I whipped around, knowing only select people called me that. I longed for Nico, and being here without him would be a constant reminder that he was dead. When I turned, I came face to face with Marco's old doorman.

He was another one of Nico's angels.

_"Javi, God, how is this city so small? How are you?"_

_"Great, still working down the street. How are you?"_

_"I'm okay, just moved in over there."_ I pointed back across the street, and he gave a low whistle.

_"Pricey place, you're not still...you know?"_

_"No. I stopped a long time ago. I'm married and a mom now."_

_"No shit?!"_

_"Yup."_

_"I know your doorman, Damian. Good guy, also a friend of our mutual friend, may he rest in peace."_ We both crossed ourselves,s and then he patted my shoulder. _"Tell him I said hi; I'll send him a message to be on the lookout for you."_

_"Thanks, Javi."_

_"Anything for Nico's girl. You look much healthier than when I last saw you. Whatever you're doing, keep it up."_

_"Will do."_

_"Good."_

* * *

I stopped at the store to get a pack of cigarettes, but then I thought of Isaac and how his lungs have been iffy lately.

Maybe being in the city now meant I needed to start my new life plan, and smoking didn't have to be a part.

So I bought a pack of sugar straws and some chocolate.

The bodega was only a block away from home, but I took the long way, going around the block and down three streets before circling back.

Doing that took me past Marco's old place...a place that I hadn't seen since I took all of that coke.

That same piano was now sitting in my new place, a job that I had recruited Johnny to help me with since Sandra wouldn't let me have the keys.

I had yet to go up to our loft to see it, but he'd assured me it was there.

When I got back to our building, there sat a squat little dude with glasses doing a crossword.

 _"Evening, miss."_ He said with a polite smile.

_"Hi, are you Damian?"_

_"Who's asking?"_

_"Javi told me to introduce myself; I'm Santi. Just moved into PH2 with my wife and kids."_

He looked me up and down, then nodded.

_"It's nice to meet you. If you need anything...just let me know."_

_"Thanks."_

I didn't have much else to say to him, so I headed to the elevator feeling calmer than when I left.

Hopefully, Britt felt that way too.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

There was a knock on our door soon after Ana left.

I checked the peephole and saw a face that I didn't recognize.

So I opened the door.

_"Yes?"_

_"Hi, I'm Consuelo. I live in PH1. We're neighbors. I just wanted to welcome you to the building before I forgot."_

She handed me a bottle of wine and a card. And people say New Yorkers aren't friendly!

" _Oh, hi! I'm Brittany. Do you want to come in?"_

_"Actually, I would love that, but I left my 5-year-old alone, raincheck?"_

_"Definitely, we have a two-year-old and an 11-month-old."_

_"Oh, nice! I have a 2-year-old too; he's with the 5-year-old. We should have a playdate. My number is on the card."_

_"Thanks!"_

I watched her walk to the end of the hall and then shut the door.

At least we had a friendly neighbor.

 _"Mama. Izzy wet."_ I turned from the door to see Izzy standing there naked, holding his wet diaper out to me.

_"I'm getting you a potty. It's time, Buddy."_

_"Time?"_

_"Yes. Come on, let's get you cleaned up."_ I put the wine on the counter, and then I picked him up and swung him around.

* * *

After a quick bath, I got Izzy into comfortable jammies and then put a bib on him before putting him in the highchair. He grinned at me as I put the plate that Ana had already served for him.

She'd cut up his chicken and made him those little potato smiley faces.

He was so excited that he did a little dance.

While he ate, I cracked open the wine and poured myself a full glass.

 _"Jugo, Mama?"_ Izzy asked.

My mood was way better than it had been before. I poured juice into his sippy cup and then handed it to him.

 _"Cheers."_ I said as I tapped my glass against his cup.

 _"Cheers!"_ He said back.

 _"Are you kidding me, Brittany?"_ I turned to see Ana shutting the door. _"Where did you get wine?"_

_"Our new neighbor."_

_"Yes, Consuelo. She's really nice."_

_"Oh yeah? Is she hot?"_

_"Didn't notice."_

_"Is it for both of us?"_

_"You want some?"_

_"You're younger than me...if you get to drink, so do I but just a little glass."_

_"Okay."_ From what I knew, she hadn't had a drink since I discovered her stash back in Lima. I poured her small glass, and she tapped Izzy's cup too.

_"Cheers, Papa."_

_"Cheers!"_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I'm trying to go with the flow since Britt seems to be in better spirits. She's in such a good mood that giving me wine didn't seem like a big deal to her but after one sip of the wine and everything in me told me that I didn't need another.

The taste of it turned sour in my mouth when I saw Britt refill her glass. Her eyes looked glazed, and she began swaying to music that existed only in her head.

Once Isaac was done eating, I pulled him onto the couch next to me and read him a story.

Seeing that I wasn't going to join her dance party, Britt wandered off. I said a silent prayer, asking God to not let my wife turn into my father. Mami hadn't reined Papi in when he started drinking and quickly lost control of him.

That wasn't how my kids would grow up; I'd defend them with my dying breath.

_"What does the cow say?"_

_"Mooooo!"_

_"And what does the duck say?"_

_"Quack Quack Quack."_

_"Good job! What does the owl say?"_

He shrugged.

 _"Hoot, Hoot."_ I told him and fixed his lips to respond, but then there was a thud up in the loft, followed by a crash.

 _"What happens?"_ Isaac asked.

_"I don't know, Mama is being silly up there."_

_"I go?"_

_"Um..."_ I wasn't sure what was happening up there, but I couldn't leave him wandering around. _"Sure."_

I lifted him onto my hip and then stepped into the elevator and let Isaac hit the up button. His eyes lit up. Terror flashed through me; I'd have to make sure we childproofed the elevator somehow.

When the door clicked open, Britt was sitting on the floor with her back against the window. Her body was shaking, and she was making a sound between a whimper and chuckle.

_"B?"_

She wiped at her face and smiled for Isaac.

_"Come here, Buddy."_

_"B, you're drunk. I'd rather you not hold him when you're like this."_

_"Are you serious?"_ She was stunned and knew that she would bring up me doing drugs when I was pregnant, but then she didn't. She just nodded. _"Okay, yeah, that's fine."_

_"I know it's fine. Look, Mami is supposed to be coming over tonight with dinner to discuss what you should be doing tomorrow."_

_"And it begins."_

_"What begins?"_

_"Your family showing up whenever they want and telling us what to do."_

_"I just came up here to see if you're okay; obviously, you're still alive. I'll just cancel with Mami. I'm sorry that my family is such a burden for you, B."_

_"And here comes the guilt trip."_

_"Mama, hurt?"_ Isaac was staring between us as we bickered, concern written all over his face.

_"Mama is fine, Papa. We are going to let her dance. We are going to finish that book."_

_"Moooo!"_

_"Ha! Yes, Moooo!"_

* * *

I was over Britt's spiral. She had come downstairs while I was reading and made a ruckus as she emptied the wine bottle, then ransacked the fridge. Isaac and I watched her as she juggled a plate of food and a glass of wine. She went back up the stairs without a word to either of us.

 _"Ma!"_ Daniela called from the monitor.

_"Looks like your story is done, Papa."_

He didn't seem to care because he was just as nosey as I was.

We went to check on Daniela, who was awake from her late nap.

There was still about three hours before bedtime that I needed to kill on my own since I wasn't going to subject Mami to Britt's buffoonery.

Our neighbor had just made a fucking enemy out of me by giving my wife alcohol.

I could hear the thumps of her dancing above Daniela's room and figured that was how she woke up.

While the kids watched, I emptied all of the toys from the closet and set them up around the room.

So much of the place seemed empty; the white walls and wood floor seemed impersonal, which was the opposite of what the kids needed.

If Britt wasn't going to help me, then I was just going to have to be an interior designer by my damn self.

After Daniela's room seem more like a kids' room, they toddled after me into Isaac's room, where we did the same thing, emptying his closet of his toy box and mountain of Elmo toys.

Fuck it.

 _"You room now?"_ Isaac asked as we finished.

I nodded and took my time walking down the hall to my room, checking behind me for them. Daniela had given up trying to walk and was crawling.

My room was enormous, way too big for me and B, but it had a window seat with a great Manhattan view.

Our new plastic-covered mattress sat on the bed frame; I figured that was where I could start. I grabbed clean sheets and put them on the side table before tearing off the plastic from the bed. Isaac tried to pull, but he wasn't strong enough, but each little bit he got, I made a big deal about it.

I could hear Britt moving around again, but I tried not to focus on it.

Once the plastic was off the bed and securely shoved away from the kids, I made the bed.

Mami had bought us fresh sheets and washed them with her detergent. The smell of home comforted me but would probably bring out yet another smart-ass remark from Britt.

I wasn't sure how much longer I could last with her bitterness.

 _"Jump?"_ Isaac asked, and while usually, I would have been against it, I nodded and tossed my two babies onto the bed. They rolled around but never out of arms reach; I couldn't have them bruised up and crying...not when Britt was always ready to attack my parenting.

They were squealing and laughing, which was Britt's favorite noise, so I wasn't surprised when she found us a few minutes later.

_"Party in bed!" She yelled out._

_"Wanky."_ I muttered, and she grinned.

I didn't say anything while she began tickling the kids, their squeals turning to little screams until Isaac screamed out.

 _"Izzy pee, Izzy pee! Mama! Stop!"_ She only hesitated before tickling him again. Then he, of course, did pee and began to cry.

 _"Hey! No crybabies allowed!"_ She said to him, which I didn't like. She'd provoked him and then wanted to reprimand him for getting upset.

_"That's enough, B. Go get some diapers...it's time for dinner and then bathtime._

She saluted me and then went off to do my bidding.

Thankfully.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My medication has always made the effects of alcohol much stronger.

I didn't mean to get drunk and say things that didn't need to be told, but there was no putting the toothpaste back in the tube.

Everything I did only made it worse.

She canceled dinner with her mom and just fed the kids leftovers from lunch.

They had a long day of travel, so despite their naps in the middle of the day, once they ate and had a bath, she got them to sleep easily.

I lingered on the edges of every room she was in, offering my help, but she'd just glare at me and say no.

At least, I had kept my hands to myself.

Once the kids were in bed, she began cleaning up around the apartment, ignoring me.

I sat on the couch when she put on her jacket and told me she needed to get air.

 _"Don't get high."_ I said because my mouth didn't know how to shut the fuck.

_"Don't get any drunker. I'll be right back, watch tv or play on your phone. The kids shouldn't be any trouble."_

_"I won't get drunker. Promise me you won't go get high."_

_"I promise. I'm just going to the bodega down the street."_

_"For cigarettes?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Fine. At least it's not drugs. Come right back, please?"_

_"I will."_

And she did. She was only gone for about ten minutes; I barely had time to miss her before she came back smelling like smoke.

 _"Already?"_ I asked, and she nodded. I went to hug her, but she shook her head.

 _"No. You stink, go shower."_ She said.

_"You stink too."_

_"I know that B and I don't really give a shit. I'm going to have another, and I'll shower after...you go first."_

_"Fine."_

_"Fine."_

* * *

She went out onto the balcony to smoke, and I watched her light up, then she went over to the railing and stared off.

I'd done this to her...more than once now. She wouldn't fit into these boxes that I had always had been able to hold her in...instead, she was growing, and I was resisting it. I knew that it was unfair.

There weren't many people in my corner; I knew that I needed to get my shit together and be better to her.

So, I went left her alone and went to take the world's coldest shower. When I began to sober up, I made the water warmer. Regret filled me as I came down; I couldn't go on like this.

Our walk-in closet separated the bathroom from the bedroom. I stood inside of it and noticed new bottles of my favorite products. I wanted to have an attitude about it, but I couldn't because she wasn't the only person benefiting from other people's help, so was I.

If I continued to come down on her for crap other people put in my head, I'd be a hypocrite if I wasn't coming down on myself as well.

I finished putting on lotion and brushed my hair in Ana's old vanity when I felt a presence.

When I looked into the mirror, there she stood, her eyes bloodshot and her face wet.

_"You were crying...because of me?"_

She shrugged and then quickly wiped at her face.

_"I'm going to take a shower and clear my head."_

I moved closer to her, but she took a step back, so I didn't move again.

 _"Tell me how to fix this, Ana, please?"_ I whispered.

_"My walls are down B...I'm so open to you right now...I want this to work. I just...I don't understand why you would treat me like this and say such awful shit."_

The cigarettes had made her voice thicker and a little deeper, somehow sexier, but now wasn't the time to think like that. I had been deflecting all of her moments of vulnerability by having sexy times.

But I had to give her more than that; I had to be more than that, or she'd go right back to falling apart.

_"I didn't mean to offend you. The wine relaxed me though, I thought it would make things easier, but it didn't. I didn't mean anything I said in the way it sounded."_

_"Then how did you mean it?"_ She whispered as she leaned against the door frame looking defeated.

_"I don't even know. I have been going over and over in my head what I was even thinking at that moment, and I don't even know. All I know is that I love you so much, and I can see now how much he was wrong about you."_

_"Did you not see it before when he said it to you?"_

_"Come sit with me, so we can talk this out."_

_"No. I can't be next to you right now, B. I need to take a shower and get away from you."_

It felt like she stabbed me in the chest.

I hated when she purposely kept her distance from me.

It hurt.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I was miserable.

The cigarettes hadn't done anything but make me stink and feel wheezy.

I'd been trying to figure out what was next for me when she knocked on the glass wall of the shower.

_"Yes?"_

_"Please don't cry, just tell me what to do."_

She looked pitiful, but I had to keep my chin up and not allow her to manipulate my emotions for another second.

_"I just need you to get it all out of your system. Today could have been a great day, B, and you made it into this terrible experience. You were a brat, and then you got drunk; I know that you're stressed, but I will NOT be your punching bag."_

_"Can I come in?"_

_"You already showered."_

_"Please, I need to be able to see you clearly."_

_"So you can just tell me more shit that Grady said?"_

_"No."_

_"You let him get under your skin and say whatever he wanted about the woman you claim to love; why would I want to be near you?"_

She didn't wait for me to give her permission; instead, she stripped out of her pajamas and came into the shower, pulling the door closed behind her.

I knew that I was glaring, but the smirk on her face showed that she thought it was adorable.

_"Why did you come in here, B?"_

_"I wanted to explain myself to your face. I couldn't see you with all the steam."_

_"You sure you can stomach the smell of me?"_

_"Of course, I can."_

_"Okay, well, talk then or get the fuck out."_

_"Wow, okay. I guess the best answer I have is that I'm used to it."_

_"Used to it?"_

_"Everyone that I've ever dated or hooked up with has talked shit about you. It's normal to me."_

_"That's pretty fucked up, B."_

_"I know, and in the past, I paid them no mind but somehow Grady into my head."_

_"Why do you think that is?"_

_"I was vulnerable. When Sandra cut me off and dealt with stuff on my own, I felt abandoned. You always spoiled me; even before we were dating, you bought us matching bracelets."_ She held out her wrist and shook the silver bracelet that she wore to match mine...only I had stopped wearing mine a long time ago.

_"Are you saying that I was too generous?"_

_"Grady didn't put it that way; he said you were buying people's love. He kept twisting every good thing that I said about you until I started to agree with him."_

_"How could you? You know me better than anyone."_

The laugh she let out was cold as she shook her head, _"I used to think that, but then I saw you with Ari and countless other people who all know you better than me."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"No, you don't need to be in any of this. It's on me. I'm carrying around this bitterness towards you because...well..._ _I just wanted you to save me...to be my knight. When I was on that table at the clinic...I kept hoping that somehow you would know and would come running through the door to save me. You knew that I was pregnant; you knew that I had no money."_

_"He was using you, B. Sandra cut you off in ways that I never would, but you know I wouldn't have let you go without. I would never have cut you off but as rich as your boy toy thought I was...I have limitations. I don't control the money...Sandra does...and she saw right through him. She knew that he was going to try and take everything from you. She was protecting our family and protecting you, believe it or not...and once he knew that you were cut off...once he knew he couldn't get a penny out of you...he left you."_

_"That's a lie."_ She snapped and then quickly slapped a hand over her mouth.

Where had that come from?

Was she seriously defending Grady over me?

_"Get out, B."_

_"No...I didn't mean that."_

_"But you did...let me finish my shower in peace."_

This time she didn't argue. She left me there feeling gutted.

It would have been better if she had never come into the shower in the first place.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I paced the bedroom back and forth after making sure to take my nighttime medicine.

There was a whimper from one of the kids, so I left the room to go investigate.

Izzy had lost his Elmo; I found it, tucked it under his arm, and then went back to the room.

In one of my old shirts, she was twisting her damp hair into a towel on top of her head and wasted no time launching right back into our conversation.

_"Did you really think I was lying to you? You really think he cared about you, Britt?"_

_"Yes...No? I don't know."_

I pressed a hand to my stomach, where my baby should be, as I sat on the edge of the bed. Ana walked closer to me, but I shook my head...I needed the space now.

 _"Britt."_ She whispered as she came closer. _"I wouldn't lie to you about this. I love you. I will always love you, and if I could have been your knight that day, I would have."_

With that, my resolve broke, and I let her wrap her arms around me. I cried against her like I had been avoiding all day long. My bratty attitude was gone, replaced by all of the sadness that I had thought I left behind in New York.

Being back here only reminded me of what I had lost before going to Lima. I hadn't wanted to come back, but it was time to face reality.

The thing about my relationship that I was really starting to like is that Ana has learned my limit and will stop an argument before it escalates to something more.

It's what she'd been trying to do all day long, but I had resisted her until now.

She crawled in the bed next to me and twisted the blanket in her hands as she spoke.

_"Look...there is a lot that we need to work through, tomorrow is a big day for you, and I want that to be our complete focus. I don't want you to worry about where we stand. I'm still here, I still want to work at it, if you do. We can talk more about Grady and figure out what other things are hang-ups when you're ready."_

_"I would prefer to not talk about it at all."_ I said as I wiped away my tears.

_"That's not really an option, B."_

_"Why not?"_

She was choosing her words carefully. I appreciated it even if I was pissed that she wouldn't let me just forget about things.

_"Because our relationship is never going to grow if we push stuff away...that's what we have always done, and it doesn't work for us, it just tears us apart."_

_"Fine. We won't talk about it until I'm ready."_

_"Don't drag it out, B."_

_"Look, you're right, tomorrow is a big day, and I'm tired...I'm going to sleep. Goodnight."_

_"Are you seriously mad that I won't let you just ignore shit?"_

_"Good night!"_ I said again as I laid down and pulled the covers over my head.

_"Fine, good night."_


	21. Issues/Hold On (Teyana Taylor)

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I was more embarrassed than angry when I pulled the blanket over my head and decided to ignore my wife because I had fucked up; I planned to stay that way until she fell asleep, but she hadn't been drinking like I had, so I began to drift.

We were back at McKinley and had our pinkies linked while we walked to class together. She was sweet and perfect to me while being a major bitch to everyone else. No one knew we were sleeping together, and everything was perfect.

Only, she flinched sometimes when people said certain things, and she'd randomly burst into fits of rage. There was also the way that she'd verbally assault Quinn, and never once did Quinn really snap back at her unless provoked.

The dream began to turn into a nightmare, we were back there, but I knew everything I knew now.

I saw her for all the things she was hiding, and it made it more obvious what scared her, then suddenly, I saw things from her point of view. The world was more terrifying, and everyone thought I was Satan. I felt so alone, then I turned to the spaced-out Brittany beside me, the one who never really saw my pain, and I called out to her.

 _"Brittany?"_ But she didn't answer, and then I was being poked by everyone who passed, so I called to her again, _"Brittany!"_

I jerked when there was a hard poke to my side and opened my eyes.

Ana hovered above me with a sad smile.

 _"Hey."_ I felt breathless as I spoke, and she just gave me a half-smile.

_"Britt, your phone rang a billion times. I answered it. It's Tony. He said it's important."_

I took the phone from her, but I didn't put it to my ear; instead, I was looking into her eyes and trying to see the world through her eyes again.

She still had that sad, drowning feeling that I had in the dream. I could feel it now too.

_"I'll be better. I see you, Santana, and I'm not going to stop."_

Tears filled her eyes, and she nodded, swallowing hard. _"See what he wants, and then I want to show you something."_ She looked at me with wide eyes and waited for me.

She was vulnerable, and I wasn't going to fuck up again.

If my dream version of her was even half as scared as she was in real life, then I had majorly screwed things up.

Brat didn't even fully define how entitled I was being.

 _"Tony?"_ I finally said into the phone.

_"Britt! Hey, so change of plan, we will need you to come in this Friday instead around 8. Something came up."_

_"Oh...people get fired on Fridays. Is that what's happening?"_

_"Not if I can help it, B. I swear to you that this isn't about you getting fired. There was just an issue that needs to be dealt with first, and it's better if you're not here for it."_

_"He's back, isn't he?"_ I asked, and the line went silent. _"Fuck, Tony, just tell me...is he back?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I'll see you on Friday."_

_"Britt, I-"_ I didn't even let him finish; instead, I hung up on him and turned towards my wife.

_"What did you want to show me?"_

* * *

Ana had been in the middle of pumping when she'd answered my phone. She turned the pump off and disconnected it. When she went to wipe her nipple, I swiped my finger across the tiny droplet and then sucked on my finger.

I grinned when Ana's face twisted up.

_"Seriously, B?"_

_"What?"_

_"That's gross, don't you think?"_

_"No...I was curious what you tasted like."_

_"But you already know what I taste like."_ She winked at me. Her mood wasn't completely ruined, even now.

What had I done to deserve her?

_"You're perfect, and I'm an idiot."_

_"I'm far from perfect, B."_

I leaned in and whispered to her, _"No one else is listening; it's okay for you to admit that you're perfect."_

 _"Please, you know I like to widely tell people about my greatness, but after today, the way you made me feel...I don't feel so perfect."_ She adjusted her shirt and then pushed whips of hair from her face. She looked so vulnerable.

_"Well, you are; I was the one being an entitled brat. I'm so sorry."_

_"Just maybe get it in check before you spazz on me; it would make all of this shit way easier."_

_"Noted."_

_"Good. What did Tony want?"_

_"Um...you're not going to like it."_

_"Grady is back; I kind of pieced that together."_

_"So did I. Tony wouldn't come right out and say it, which was annoying. They are dealing with him. First, I guess. Tony told me to steer clear until Friday morning."_

_"Oh, so that means you have time to help me around here?"_

_"Help you?"_

_"Well yeah, it's so empty...and plain. We need to make it feel like our home...yours and mine."_

_"You still want that?"_ I asked, and Ana smiled.

_"Of course, as long as you stay sweet like this, we're good."_

_"I'll be better."_

_"Show me, don't tell me."_

_"Okay."_

_"Your words are as pretty as your face, B, but I need to see some action and not just sexual action...that's not something you're slacking at. I need more romance, more sweetness. I've had enough shitty partners in my life...I don't want another."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

She took my words to heart, and instead of feeding more bullshit about how she'd be better, she moved my pump from the bed and then took my hand.

_"What did you want to show me."_

I shuffled into my slippers and then pulled her out of bed.

_"Have you given the elevator a chance?"_

_"No. It's one floor."_

_"I get that, but it came with the place and is helpful for people with disabilities...like Artie."_

Realization dawned on her.

_"Oh. I didn't think of that."_

I opened the average-looking door, and the elevator doors slid open.

_"Because of the kids, we need to be extra careful about locking this up when they're not around. I'm going to call a childproofing company tomorrow."_

_"That's a good idea."_

I pulled her inside, and she immediately looked nervous.

_"It's one floor, B. We won't plummet to our deaths."_

_"You don't know that."_ She whispered.

Once we were on the loft level, it was her pulling me out into the loft.

It was enormous. My piano was shoved by the window and was the only piece of furniture in the room.

_"This is amazing."_

_"You said you wanted to show me something, but I've already seen this; you haven't."_

I took her over to my piano, and then I let go of her hand and sat down.

The view of the Empire State Building took my breath away.

_"Wow...that's amazing."_

_"It looks even better now with all the lights on."_ B said as she leaned against the glass.

I lifted the piano lid and then flexed my fingers before beginning to play.

_"You're gonna play for me?"_

_"Actually, B...do you remember when you visited me in rehab for my birthday?"_

She shifted in front of the piano, looking sad.

_"Yeah, it wasn't my best day."_

_"I wrote you a song back then, and I wanted to play it for you."_

_"You wrote me a song?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Mind if I dance while you play?"_

_"Please?"_

Watching Britt dance around the room in her socks, looking like an angel, calmed some of the anxiety that I was feeling.

Her dancing was effortless, and then I began to sing; her movements stopped, and she came closer.

I had closed my eyes at some point, and when I opened them, she was leaning over the top of the piano, watching me.

The attention only encouraged me to continue.

* * *

That night as we laid together, with our babies asleep in their rooms, Britt and I finally said the things we needed to say.

 _"Are you worried about Grady being back?"_ She asked me, and I rolled my eyes.

_"No, he's just another asshole that's tried to tear us apart. Been there, done that, had a shitty time. Are you worried about him being here?"_

She bit her lip, her hair glowing in the city lights as we lay facing each other with our legs intertwined.

_"I'm scared of what he'll say to Frank and August. He has no problem lying to get his way, and he's so believable. He had me believing things about you and me that don't even make sense. He convinced me that our babies weren't ours but yours."_

_"Do you still feel that way? You can be honest with me...it's okay."_

_"I was there from the moment that Isaac took his first breath. I held them both through sleepless nights and most of their firsts. Those are my babies. I love them now and always, just like I will always love you, no matter what. Even if we ever give up on there being an us, I would never stop loving you. No one can change my mind. You're my person."_

_"Good."_ I let out a breath and wiped my eyes. She looked concerned, but I smiled at her, _"I'm okay; I think I just really needed to hear you say that."_

_"I mean it, and I won't just tell you and stop there; I'm going to do something to show you how much I love you every day."_

_"Aww, B. I'll do my best to be worthy of your love."_

_"You forever win, Ana...the moment you let me be a mom to those kids, you won. You'll always be worthy of my love and devotion."_

_"You're turning me into a sappy puddle of mush."_ I said, my hormones surging.

_"I'm sorry for thinking that Grady could ever love me better than you, I hate to say it, but I was an idiot. You mean so much to me, and I would rather be with you working through our issues than with his lies. You are my rock, Ana. My home, I don't want that to ever change."_

_"Pinky?" I held out my finger, and she linked hers, giving mine a squeeze._

_"Do you forgive me?"_ She was so fucking beautiful, her eyes sparkling as she turned on her full fucking charm.

_"I do, B. Just keep being this person...even if you're scared or worried, never stop being this person."_

_"Okay."_

_"Good."_

We were back to communicating and connecting.

It was like being trapped in darkness with flashes of light and then suddenly seeing the real thing again. We'd been in this spot before, and I knew that it was still going to take a lot for us to both be able to say that we were healed, but at least we were headed in that direction.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

I woke up in pain, my body sweating and cold.

My stomach twisted and tried to crawl up my throat and out of my mouth.

My legs were shaking after throwing up, so I crawled back to bed, but I didn't have the energy to pull myself up.

The room door opened. Ana walked in with Dani latched on; she looked like she was sleepwalking. She was so out of it that she nearly tripped over my legs.

_"The fuck?"_

_"Hey."_ I muttered.

_"Are you okay?"_

_"Help?"_

She held the baby in one arm and held out the other for me. I'm not sure how she could stand firmly when I pulled myself up using her arm. I collapsed on the bed, and then her hand was on my forehead. Her brow got all worried.

_"You're burning up."_

_"I'm cold."_ My teeth were chattering.

Without missing a beat, she got the temporal thermometer and rolled it over my head until it beeped.

 _"101. I'm going to get you some medicine. Don't move, missy."_ She winked and then left me there, all while breastfeeding.

My wife was an angel.

I drifted off, feeling super cold, and woke up to her tucking another blanket around me.

 _"Hey."_ My throat hurt now, and my voice was nearly gone.

_"Hi babe, Quinn's here. She brought the car back and decided to hang for a bit."_

_"Go hang...I'll be okay."_

She rolled her eyes and then sat on the bed next to me.

_"No, she's going to help with the kids while I take care of you."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yup. Are you hungry?"_

_"A little."_

_"Good, can you sit up? I made you oatmeal, and I have medicine for you."_

I loved when she took care of me, it was the only thing about being sick that rocked...my super hot nurse.

* * *

Even though I knew that there was no way that she could possibly have sat there all day long, each time that I woke up, there was Ana, with food or medicine. She even was ready with a bucket when the soup didn't sit well.

At one point, I had felt like my feet were ice blocks, and then I blinked, and I had on fuzzy socks.

Whatever I needed, she was there.

I couldn't have asked for more. She was perfect.

The pain in my head seemed to calm down, and my body seemed to finally get warm after an eternity, but I felt so clammy.

_"B? I need to get you out of bed; I'm so sorry."_

_"Why?"_ I whimpered.

_"You broke your fever, but you soaked the bed with your sweat...at least I hope it's sweat."_

_"Too weak."_ She rolled her eyes,

 _"Here, take my arm, just go easy on my wrist."_ When I reached for her, I could see that not only her wrist but her whole arm was turning blue.

_"What happened?"_

_"Let me get you out of bed and into the tub first."_

_"Are we taking a bath?"_

_"No, B. You are going to take a bath, and I'm going to change the sheets."_

_"But...please?"_

_"I really wish I could, B...but I need to leave. Mami and Q are here to help you; I need to go to a meeting...like really bad. So I'm going to get you in the tub, change the sheets and then go to my meeting."_

_"Did something happen?"_

_"It's not a big deal, just know that I love you and all that sappy shit you said last night; I feel the same way."_

She was near tears, and I could feel my anger trying to climb into control.

_"Meds...need them."_

_"You took them; I mixed them with your oatmeal. Come on, hold on to me; you're shaking."_

I wrapped my arm around her, and she winced, but she held my waist still.

 _"San, are you okay?"_ Quinn poked her head into the bathroom as Ana helped me sit down in hot water.

_"Yeah, I um...I need to get her comfortable, then I'm g-going to change the sheets before I go."_

_"Don't worry about that. I'll change them."_

She looked back at Q and then nodded.

_"Can you ask my mom...to um...tell her I agree with her, okay?"_

_"Sure thing."_ Quinn caught my eyes, and something in them told me that she'd had my back today. _"You look a bit better, B."_

_"I need to know what's going on."_

_"And you will. San, I'll be right back."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I left Britt in the tub with calming music and then stood in the closet, trying to catch my breath.

Everything hurt, and all I wanted to do was cry, but I knew that would just aggravate my asthma more than the half pack of cigarettes I had smoked since the night before.

When I was in our bedroom, far enough away from B that she shouldn't hear me, I slid down the wall and buried my face against my knees.

_"Oh, San. Did you tell her?"_

I shook my head and tried to cry as quietly as I could.

 _"Nanita, there's no more milk left, and she's cry-"_ Mami started to say, and then I heard Daniela's whimper. I wiped my eyes and looked up at my daughter.

_"I'll feed her."_

_"Can you handle it? I can just get your pump."_ Q offered.

_"No...I probably n-need her as much as she n-needs me."_

_"We can go to the meeting tomorrow. I can stay tonight to help you."_

_"That's fine."_

Mami handed Daniela to me like she was made of glass and then stood by waiting for me to get her latched on, but my daughter put her little hands on my face, staring into my eyes. As she stared, I realized that she had her father's eyes and the way she was looking at me was the same way that he did when he thought he'd gone too far.

I cried more, and she laid her head on my shoulder and kept rubbing whatever parts of me were in reach.

Mami and Quinn looked at us with pity or adoration until I glared. While Mami just rolled her eyes and made up an excuse to check in on Britt, Quinn sat on the bed she'd freshly made and folded her arms over her chest.

_"Are you going to tell her tonight?"_

_"Yeah. I have to. I have no doubt that she'll find out anyone better from me. She's going to lose her mind."_

_"She better. Shit, I want to kill him."_

_"Get in line; Q. Pa is probably out now calling in favors."_

_"I can't believe he'd hurt you."_

_"After the way, he left Britt to fend for herself after he talked her into that abortion; I don't put anything past him."_

_"It's still not right."_

_"I know."_

_"Che-che?"_ Daniela said softly against my face like she was unsure of if it was okay to ask.

_"Aww, baby girl, yes."_

I settled her on my lap while I slowly lifted my shirt; I ignored Quinn's intake of breath as I pulled my boob out of my bra. Even Daniela seemed to know that not everything was normal; she wasn't spiteful, her touch was soft, and her teeth didn't bite.

Thank goodness.

* * *

I heard the bathroom door open and soft footsteps; in seconds, Britt would see me with my top mostly off, and I wouldn't be able to avoid her questions.

Mami helped her get dressed in the closet while I tried to cover what I could with the baby in my lap. Quinn saw my struggle, grabbed a baby blanket from the laundry basket, and quickly draped it over the baby and me.

_"Thanks, Q."_

She smiled at me and then looked up; Britt was standing in the doorway looking down at us. Then as Quinn stood, Britt was looking at her in the eyes. _"You look guilty. I hate when you look guilty."_

Britt sounded way better now; her fever breaking earlier told me that the worst of this bug had passed, which meant that she was more coherent now. Quinn's mouth flapped like she couldn't figure out what to say. Luckily, Mami was always quick on her feet. She held her hand out to Quinn. _"Let's give them space."_ Quinn, though seemed nervous about leaving us.

 _"Mami's right, Q. It's time for Isaac's bath...would you mind?"_ I asked, and that seemed to break the spell of her being overprotective.

_"Of course, I don't mind. Yell if you need us."_

Once they were gone, Britt shifted down to the floor and put one leg behind me and the other in front of me so that she was spooning me from the side.

It took me back to the time that I broke down in the McKinley hallway, and she sat with me on the floor rubbing my back while I sobbed about people not liking me. I was so out of pocket back then that foolish girl had no idea just how good her life had become.

Britt pulled the blanket off of me to see Dani, but then she froze when she saw that the bruising continued up my arm.

Her fingers traced it, and then she lifted my shirt over my head; I didn't stop her. I didn't want this to be something that hung between us.

 _"Who did this?"_ There were tears in her eyes, but she looked quietly furious, like me.

I raised my hand and cupped her cheek, then rested my hand against her forehead.

_"Your fever definitely broke. How do you feel?"_

_"I've been through worse. Tell me who did this to you, Santana."_

Full name. I couldn't look at her, so I looked down at my baby girl, only she was staring at me too with Marco's eyes.

So I looked back at B.

_"Grady."_

Her face got visibly paler, and she swallowed hard.

 _"How? Why? And please, look at me."_ She squeaked out.

So I did, her eyes were damp, but she looked more enraged than anything.

 _"He um...came looking for you, but they wouldn't let him upstairs. You have to know our exact address to get clearance upstairs."_ She looked confused, just like I had when they called up to tell me I had a visitor in the lobby. _"He did a find my friends and tracked your phone here. I wasn't even here. I was at the bodega, grabbing crackers for your soup. Quinn was up here with the kids."_

_"Okay, so how did it end up like this?"_

_"Quinn texted to tell me I had a visitor in the lobby. I was almost back, so I didn't respond to her, I just came into the lobby, and there he was waiting. I was going to walk right by him, but then he was in my face. It happened so fast. He asked where you were; I told him that you didn't want to see him. He wanted you to tell him to his face, and I told him you couldn't. He grabbed my arms and pushed me back against the wall, but he made it look more romantic than anything else."_

_"Asshole."_

_"Once he was up against me, he leaned in and whispered in my ear some shit about how he was going to get his money and his woman one way or another. I kneed his balls, and when he had his hands pressing against my collar bone, so he shoved me back. When he pushed me, and I hit the wall again, I cried out. That's when security finally paid attention and grabbed him. They held him until the cops came."_

_"Good. That's what he deserves. Can I see your back?"_

I leaned forward and let her see what I hadn't had the heart to look at yet. She hissed and then wrapped her arms around me, _"I'm so sorry that he hurt you. I'll fucking kill him, I promise you."_

_"No. I got up here, I called Mami, and Pa. Mami came straight here, and Pa went to find out more at the station."_

_"What can I do?"_

_"Just...be here. I felt so on edge, that's why I was going to go to a meeting, but Mami had suggested that I just stay home with you. So that's what I'm doing. Don't worry about him...I know way more people in this city than he does. Nico's guard still covers me, even if he's gone."_

_"If?"_ She asked, and I shrugged.

_"I've never fully believed that Nico was gone. There's a part of me that feels like Carmen is fooling all of us and is with Nico."_

_"But Sugar said she married her."_

_"And you believe Sugar Motta to be 100% honest with you? Didn't she fake Asperger's so she could offend people without repercussions?"_ I reminded her, and Britt smirked.

_"Yeah, she did."_

_"I'm not saying he's alive, but I'm not saying that he's not either."_

_"Are you changing the subject because you are done talking about Grady?"_

_"Yes, the less I can talk about that motherfucker, the better. I told you the facts. I just want to move past this for now because I have no doubts that he's going to get what's coming to him."_

_"Will you tell me if you change your mind and need to talk?"_ She looked so innocent as she asked me that; the truth was that I did want to talk about it, but everything I said right then would be toxic and only make her feel bad. So I had to pass, at least right then, when I felt so bitter.

_"Yes." I finally said, wanting badly for the conversation to be done._

_"Can I help you up?"_

_"Please?"_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

My dream was haunting me; the fear that I felt when I saw things from her perspective shook me. I had always seen my wife as a superhero, even if she was so fucking tiny.

I needed to address the person beneath the mask if she'd still let me. I could see that she had a wall up. Grady had terrified her. He was taller than me, and I was a head taller than her, and he dwarfed Marco. She'd probably never been up against someone his size.

The bruises that she had now were only a few hours old and were nearly black, which meant that as the days went on, they'd get even worse before they got better. Even though my doctors hadn't cleared me to lift anything since my surgery, I was pretty confident that I could pick her up.

She yelped when I picked her and Dani up, cradling them both against my chest.

_"I got you, baby."_

_"You shouldn't be lifting me, B."_

_"I'd agree with you, but you weigh almost nothing. Are you eating?"_

She didn't respond to me, which was all the answer I needed. I needed to make sure that I was checking in on her still. Her therapist had told me that the first year of recovery was always the hardest, and I had made it even harder.

Because I had interrupted her processing and routine, I needed to be the one to make sure that she got back to it.

Even if she didn't ask me, frankly, she shouldn't have to ask.

I took her over to the bed and lowered her gently onto the softness. She let out a little sigh and then smiled at me.

Good.

Dani pulled away from her boob and then used it as a pillow.

She burped and then smiled as she closed her eyes.

_"Want me to take her to bed?"_

She wanted to turn me down because I had been sick all day, but I could tell that the pain started to affect her. _"Yeah, B. She'll need a change too."_

 _"Okay."_ I picked up Dani, and she grinned at me with her five little teeth. _"Hey, Dani."_

 _"Mama."_ She said, patting my cheek with her chubby finger.

_"B?"_

_"Yeah?"_

_"While you're up, I could really use some ice cream."_

_"Anything else?"_

_"Maybe...can you let Mami and Quinn know that we are okay...that they can go home?"_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Yes, I just need you."_ I leaned in and kissed her. Her hand twirled into my hair as she pressed sweet kisses to my face. I didn't want her to let me go, but Dani was starting to whine.

_"I'll be right back, baby. Try to relax."_

_"Okay."_

* * *

When I passed by the living room on my way to Dani's bedroom, there was no sign of Gladys, who always finds a way to fill in the silence. Quinn looked up from her curled-up position on the couch and gave me a slight nod.

_"I'm going to put her in bed; I'll be back."_

_"Okay, B."_ Quinn muttered.

Dani shook her hand at me, I knew what she was asking for, and I hadn't been paying attention enough to know the hand song.

So even though I told her to relax, I turned around and went back to the bedroom to ask Ana to sing it, but I stopped short when I heard her cries. The sobs were so heartbreaking.

The baby would pick up on that and cry, so instead, I went out to the living room.

 _"Did Gladys leave?"_ I asked Quinn, and she shut her book before looking up at me.

 _"Yeah, Hector picked her up. I hope it's okay that I'm here..."_ She wanted to say more, but she looked from me to Dani. _"Want me to get her in bed so you can spend some time with San?"_

_"I'd really appreciate it. Dani already ate; I don't know when her last bath or diaper was, though."_

_"Go take care of your girl; I'll make sure our little miss is taken care of."_

_"Thanks, Q."_

_"It's the least I can do...thanks for letting me stay for a few days."_ I nodded even though I had no idea what she was talking about. Ana must have already told her it was okay, and I wasn't going to contradict her.

I handed her Dani after kissing her little face a bunch of times. She shook her hand at Quinn, and surprisingly, Q jumped right into the song in Spanish.

When I went back into the room, only the lamp on my nightstand was on. Ana laid in the center of the bed with her back to me, her shoulders shaking to go along with the tiny whimpers she let out.

I went into the bathroom, ran the water hot, and poured in some bubbles. Then I lit a candle and dimmed the light. Once the tub was ready, I went back to the room and slid into the bed behind her. She went stiff when I put my arm around her, but then I kissed her shoulder and felt her relax.

_"Come take a bath with me."_

_"You already took one."_

_"It wasn't enough; I need one with you to make me feel better; it's the only way."_

_"Really?"_ She chuckled, but I could tell it was more out of defeat than anything else.

_"Yes...I need my sexy nurse to take care of me."_

When in doubt, I needed to appeal to her vanity.

And it worked.

Only she didn't take her clothes off until I was undressed and in the tub. She wouldn't look at me as she shimmied out of her pants and then very slowly pulled off her shirt. Grady's long fingers had left a bruise on her chest, across the scar that she was already self-conscious about.

I stood up then and held out my hand. _"You're beautiful...please don't let this make you feel like you're not."_

_"I just feel so fucking weak."_

_"Well, you're not. I love you; I think you're strong...even for a bottom."_ Like I had hoped, calling her a bottom seemed to distract her enough.

 _"I am not a bottom."_ She glared, but I just eased down into the tub and held my arms open.

_"Sure, baby."_

She grumbled as she sat between my legs, and once I had her all wrapped in my arms, I kissed her neck, her shoulders, and the bruises on her back. She let out little sighs. Her body rested back against mine, and she took my hand, kissed it then put it between her legs.

 _"Distract me tonight and tomorrow; we'll go see Dr. Clover."_ She said, and I didn't bother asking follow-up questions; instead, I pressed my fingers into her and watched her come undone.

I don't think I would have been so willing to skate past her sadness if she hadn't acknowledged that she would go to therapy the next day. I was so proud of her that I fucked her into orgasm over and over again until her sadness turned to lust.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Britt's 24-hour bug found a new home in me, but I was more stubborn than my wife. After our bath, she'd held me all night long, and when I woke up, my entire body hurt. Instead of staying in bed, though, I got up did my usual bathroom routine before stumbling into the kitchen to get breakfast started. Still, someone had already beat me to it.

 _"Q?"_ I muttered when I saw her in the living room with the kids. _"Did I sleep too long?"_ I asked, and her eyebrows raised.

 _"It's nearly noon, I figured that after yesterday you both needed your rest, so I left you alone."_ I felt terrible because I knew that this week off of school was a big deal for her; it was prep week. Columbia was piloting a week off before finals for students to study, and her roommate had chosen to use that time to drink and fuck at all hours. Celia was no better since she also wanted to spend a lot of time fucking, so desperate, Q had come to me for an escape. Being my nanny was not supposed to be a part of that escape, but she couldn't help herself. _"I made you breakfast, sit with the kids...I'll warm it up and make you some tea. You don't look so good."_ In passing, she pressed her cool hand to my face and then pointed to the room. _"On second thought, go to bed; I'll bring you food and medicine."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"Positive."_

I ruffled Isaac's hair and then pressed my hand to Daniela's face.

 _"Che-che?"_ She asked, and I shook my head.

 _"No, baby. Bottle."_ I pointed to the bottle in her hands, and she stuck out her lip, but I wasn't B; that didn't win me over. _"Put that lip away. Today you drink from a bottle."_

She didn't cry; she just sat back and drank the bottle while looking away from me. Daniela had the terrible combination of mine and Marco's tempers. God help anyone that crossed her.

Quinn cleared her throat in that way that I hated, so I went back to bed. Britt was already awake and making the bed until she saw me.

 _"Oh no, you look terrible, baby. Come on, back in bed."_ She fluffed up my pillows and then helped me back into bed.

When Q showed up with two little shadows with a tray of food and medicine, she looked surprised to see Britt fussing over me.

_"This is a welcome sight. How are you feeling, B?"_

_"Good. Ana told me you're supposed to be studying, and instead, you're acting like a nanny."_

_"I'm just trying to be helpful, B."_

_"Well, after I get her settled, you are going to study, and I am going to hang out with my kids. Got it?"_

Quinn looked at me, and I think we had the same thought. Why had we been fighting for the Cheerio captaincy when Brittany was the clear leader of the three of us?

 _"Ay Ay, Captain."_ Quinn said before leaving the breakfast tray on the bed and left.

Isaac and Daniela were pressed against the window, looking out onto the patio.

 _"I just want to cuddle them."_ I muttered as I stirred my tea. _"But Isaac can't get sick. You can't let him, B."_ I looked sternly at her, and she nodded.

_"Got it, I'll go play with them. Do you need anything?"_

_"No...Q took care of everything. Just make sure they have fun...okay?"_

Britt picked up the kids, one in each arm, and let them each kiss my face before she took them away.

* * *

I don't know what Quinn gave me, but I passed out before I could finish my food. My body rarely rested more than a few hours anymore, so the forced rest felt chillingly like my coma.

My body was floating again as I backpaddled through the water, my eyes trained on the stars.

The world, though, started to tilt, jarring me back to consciousness. I looked over, and Britt was sitting in bed, with the tablet quietly scrolling.

_"Where are the kids?"_

_"Naptime. How are you feeling?"_

_"Drunk."_

_"You look a bit better. Are you hungry? I'll warm up your mom's soup; it really helped yesterday."_ She got out of bed as my phone rang, and I grabbed it from the side table. Unknown Caller...I looked over at B, but she was already gone.

I usually didn't answer Unknown calls, but I was stuck in bed with nothing better to do.

When I answered, I just sat there star-struck, and all I wanted to do was take back every cruel thing that I had ever said about Mercedes Jones. She'd signed me to that songwriting contract, and apparently, it wasn't exclusive to just her.

She'd essentially gotten me a deal without me realizing it, which gave me yet another reason to stay sober!

If things pan out, then I would be chartering a plane to fly Mercedes to New York just to hug her!

_"Thank you so much for this opportunity! I'll send you something soon!"_

_"You're in New York, right?"_

_"Yes...TriBeCa."_

_"How about you shoot me a text when you have something, and I can just come by? I'm not far from you."_

OMFG!

I took a deep breath and looked over at Brittany, who was standing by the bed with a bowl of soup. She was looking at me wide-eyed, trying to figure out who I was talking to.

_"That's perfect! Thank you so much!"_

_"Thank you, Santana, and good luck!"_

When I hung up, I just sat there staring at my wife in utter shock.

_"Who was that?"_

_"I just got personally asked to write and compose a song..."_ I said as I looked at Britt.

_"By who?"_

_"Beyoncé."_

_"Seriously?!_ _That's so amazing!"_

_"You can't tell anyone...promise me!"_ I said as she moved to pull her phone out.

She looked like I had just shot her cat.

_"Why not?"_

_"It's bad luck...I can't live with that kind of pressure. I need to write music and words...I have to try to get all that done while taking care of the kids and you. If anyone else knows then, it's going to be like...hey, how's the song going for Beyoncé's new album...hey, have you talked to Beyoncé lately? I can't deal with that. Promise me!"_

Britt looked a little sad, but she nodded.

 _"Okay...I promise."_ she said glumly.

_"If you keep that promise, I'll make sure you get to meet her before anyone else."_

_"You got yourself a deal, hot stuff."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Like clockwork, Ana was better by the next afternoon and in a mood to clean everything we touched from top to bottom. Despite her need to study, Ana had roped Quinn in on the task as well.

Not once has she touched her piano to write the song for Queen Bey. Meanwhile, I had my all-important meeting the next day to hear about whether I had a job or not, so I was trying to distract myself.

I stubbed my toe on the old couch about 15 different times in the four days we'd been home, and I had enough.

 _"Dammit!"_ I screamed. There was a crash in the kitchen. When I looked over, Ana was rushing around to clean up the glass that she broke.

_"Are you okay, B?"_

_"No. When can we furniture shop?"_

_"Whenever you want."_

_"We need a better couch; I hate this one."_

_"Okay, B...my credit card is in my purse. Pick out 5 couches that you love, and we can buy one today."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yup."_

_"Can I buy a new dining room table?"_

_"Sure, B...maybe also look at new dishes too. That's the second time I've broken a glass."_

_"Okay!"_

It only took about five hours, but with the power of Ana's credit card and her willingness to pay extra for same-day delivery, by the time we went to bed, we had a brand new sofa bed.

Quinn convinced us to move the old one up to the loft, I think it was because it would give her a little more privacy to sleep, but she said it was so that I could sit and watch Ana play.

Either way, it looked good up there, so I wasn't mad about it, especially since it would be well out of my way when I was dancing.

* * *

We ate an early breakfast at our new dining room table while Quinn and the kids slept.

_"Do you know what you're going to say when they ask about Grady?"_

_"I'm just going to tell them the truth."_

_"Are you sure that's wise?"_

_"It's all I have."_

_"Yeah, but how much truth do you give them?"_

_"They want to know why I was out so long, and while I feel like my hysterectomy is none of their business, I do feel like it will at least get them off my back. I'm fully healed now and ready to dance."_

_"And you're sure that you want me there?"_

_"I am. Having you there will help me to be the best version of myself."_ She smiled at me, and her dimples stood out. _"I love you."_

_"I love you too, B."_

_"Should we wake up Q?"_

_"Yeah. I'll do it."_

I watched Ana go up to the loft and figured that I might as well go see the kids. What I wasn't expecting was for them to be awake.

Quinn was doing us a huge favor by watching them for the day, so the least I could do was start off her day right. So I took Izzy with a change of clothes and a diaper into Dani's room.

I turned on Elmo and then got them changed and dressed.

By the time that Ana and Quinn found us, we were just chilling on the floor, racing cars across the floor. Ana's eyes got watery, like seeing us play was the best thing in the world, and maybe it was. For a while there, it didn't seem like we'd be at a point where we'd be a family again.

It felt good to be on the right foot with her.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

This was Britt's first time back at work since she left for vacation, and from what I had pieced together...when she left...things weren't in the best state.

 _"I don't think I can do this."_ Her voice shook as I held her hand in the cab.

_"Do what? Britt, talk to me."_

_"This show...it's...it's not fun anymore."_ She looked like she was going to burst into tears.

_"Why isn't it fun? Baby, this is your dream."_

_"Dancing on tour was my dream. This was just something I settled for. I don't want to show people how to dance...I just want to dance. That's it."_

I squeezed her hand until she was looking at me and not her lap. _"Do you want to quit the show because I'll support you...if that's what you really want?"_

_"I don't want that."_

_"Are you sure, Britt...if you want to quit...I support you...I just want you to know that you won't be able to go back. This might be your only chance on Broadway."_

_"You think so?"_

_"Yea, I do...this is show business. If you drop from this show just because you are scared...you will get a bad reputation, not to mention you dropping out of two tours last year. This won't look good. You will have a terrible reputation in the dance community."_

_"I don't want that to happen. It's just...so hard!"_

She looked at me with so much worry in her eyes and a bit of fear.

_"What's this really about, Britt Britt?"_

She shrugged again.

 _"Is this about Grady?"_ I sighed when she nodded her head and put her hands over her face again. Of course, it was about him. Not like I could forget it, my body still hurt from his stupid ass.

_"I'm sorry!"_

I was amazed at how upset she was over this.

_"Tell me what I can do...I'll do anything to make this better, Britt."_

_"There isn't anything..."_ she looked at me as she dropped her hands in her lap. _"It's just...I have a lot of bad memories. I got pregnant on that stage."_

And that's when the world was pulled from beneath me.

_"What?"_

Okay...call me stupid but for some reason...I didn't connect Britt and Grady getting pregnant with them actually having sex.

I know...crazy, right?

My response wasn't the right one because Britt looked at me in shock and then dropped her eyes.

_"He and I...we spent a lot of time in the theater together. In my office...on that stage. It's just...right after the abor-...the procedure I spent days in that office. I know that being back..."_

I nodded in understanding as she tried to explain why this would be so hard for her.

It all made sense, and I really should have expected it.

_"It's going to be okay, B. It's going to be hard but tell me something...is your fear of memories greater than your dream? Greater than something you have worked so hard for?"_

_"I don't know."_

_"Do you want this show?"_

I tried to phrase things in another way because I didn't want to tell her what to do, but I still wanted her to choose that she wouldn't regret.

_"Yes."_

_"Then just be true to what you want. Be true to your dream. This isn't going to be easy, but this time...I'm going to be with you. Every step of the way. Whenever you need me."_ I tilted her chin up and leaned against her lips, and kissed her deeply before pulling back again. _"You aren't doing this for Grady, the kids, or even me. You are doing this for you, Britt. You have to follow your heart. No matter what."_

She looked at me and cracked a smile.

I had gotten through to her.

Finally.

 _"Fuck Grady."_ She said and then giggled before wrapping her arms around me and pulling me against her.

_"Yea...well, maybe not fuck or screw Grady...but forget him definitely... let's try to forget him. Let's make new memories. You and me, B."_

_"Okay."_

Then a thought hit me.

_"That means we need to have sex...like everywhere until you aren't able to walk into your office without being turned on."_

Her face got red as she smirked and nodded.

_"Challenge accepted."_

_"That's my girl!"_

I laughed and then hugged her again.

It felt right.

Like home.

* * *

We walked hand in hand towards the theater.

Britt was so excited that she was nearly skipping, and then just as she got to the door, she hesitated and looked at me.

_"What is it, B?"_

She looked at me for a long moment and then cracked a smile.

_"I'm proud of you too, Ana. More and more each day."_

And before I could respond, she pulled the door open, and the old nervous Britt fell away.

She pulled me along with her as she walked with so much authority that I was immediately turned on. She had been through something terrible, but she owned her pain and her struggle as she walked down the aisle of the theater.

She led me to the front row and then kissed me hard before handing me her bag.

Tony and Ari were up on stage with both the male and female dancers.

Ari was shaking her head as she moved slowly so that the women behind her could catch on.

_"Don't slow down, Ari. They need to keep up! This is Broadway...not dance class."_

Everyone froze when they heard Britt speak up. I smiled to myself because only I knew that she was scared shitless to be up on that stage.

I was so proud of her; she was up there and wasn't cutting anyone any slack.

She even made corrections to a few of Ari's missteps. Like the consummate professional that my friend is, Ari, smiled and fell into step with Britt the next go around without even a hint of an attitude.

She looked the happiest out of everyone to have Britt back.

Tony actually made his dancers stop and watch as Britt whipped the women into shape.

He was beaming as he watched his partner remind him why they were partnered as choreographers for this show.

I think that even he had forgotten.

After an hour of pushing her dancers and herself to the point of exhaustion, Britt let everyone break for lunch. I stood with her bag over my shoulder as she climbed down from the stage.

She beamed at me before looking just behind me with a nervous glance.

I turned around and saw her bosses standing there waiting for her.

 _"I'll meet you in your office. Fix things with them...be honest."_ I said quietly when she came over to me.

_"Okay...it might be a little messy. I didn't clean it before I left, even though it was just one day...I got a bit uh...well, you'll see. Um...just...don't leave, okay?"_

_"I'll be here...promise."_

I leaned in and kissed her before leaving her with her bosses and Tony. I knew that she was nervous, but she needed to deal with her bosses. They doubted her right now, and she needed to prove herself again.

And I wasn't going to stand in the way.

* * *

Britt's office was immaculate when I went inside; nothing was out of place. It almost looked vacant, which made me wonder if they were already preparing it for her replacement.

There wasn't much else to do but to wait for her, so I went over to Ari's office to catch up with her.

_"Hi, Arita. How are you?"_

_"So happy that Britt is back. I don't think I could have handled one more day with those bitches. It was good to see her put them in their place. I'm lead, but they have been treating me like shit. So they definitely got what they deserved. How about you? How's the new place?"_

_"Everything is good. It's a great space that we are still working on making our own. I'll have to have you and your girlfriend over for dinner."_

_She blushed and patted the spot on her couch._

_"Come in and shut the door."_

_We hadn't been alone together since Lima, but I got the distinct impression that she wouldn't go there again. Even still, I left the door cracked. I wasn't taking any chances._

_"So, tell me about her."_

_I sat curled up on Ari's couch, listening to her gush about Gloria and how perfect she was. I'm not going to lie; I felt just a little jealous that someone in her life that she got all starry-eyed about that wasn't me._

_"I think she's the one, I mean...she's everything that I've ever wanted."_

_"That's amazing; that's what I prayed for you. That you'd find your one."_

She squeezed my hand. _"Well, thanks for your prayers; they're always welcome."_

We sat quietly for a beat until I got up the nerve to just ask. _"Is she going to get fired?"_

_"No...but she is going to be put on notice now that they found out what really happened with Grady and Dionne."_

_"What's Dionne got to do with this?"_

_"That's for B to tell you. Sorry."_

Ari winked and headed around the corner to her office.

I closed my eyes and silently promised myself that I would get Britt to sit down and tell me everything.

Even if it made me sick to my stomach.

* * *

Ari and I sat eating cereal and watching cartoons when I heard Britt and Tony talk in the hallway.

 _"Thanks for this."_ I said to Ari before kissing her cheek, _"I think I hear them."_ When I opened the door, she stood with her arms crossed and her face red from crying.

Tony looked from me to Britt and then past me. I looked back, and there stood Ari in the doorway to her office, too anxious not to know what was going on.

 _"Hey."_ I said quietly to let them know I was there. Tony gave her a fist bump.

_"I'll leave you guys to it, and Britt...this is only temporary. Okay. I'm proud of what you did in there."_

_"Thanks."_ She squeaked out.

She nodded, and more tears fell down her cheeks.

He kissed her forehead and then walked into his office and closed the door.

When Britt turned her gaze towards me, and I saw the hurt in her eyes, I didn't say a word.

She nearly knocked me over when she threw her arms around me and cried against my shoulder.

This was not good.

Ari cleared her throat and said a small, _"I'll go."_ but Britt shook her head as she pulled away from me.

 _"No...come to my office...I need to talk to you. You...you need to hear this from me."_ Ari followed quietly behind us and then shut the door.

_"What's going on, B?"_

Britt was crying so hard that I felt like my heart was breaking. She scrubbed at her face and growled in frustration. I placed my hand on her back and rubbed between her shoulder blades.

 _"This sucks."_ She mumbled.

Once the door was shut...Ari hovered near Britt awkwardly and shot me nervous glances.

I moved further onto the couch, put my other hand on Britt's thigh, and rubbed small circles.

_"It's going to be okay...Britt. Tony said it's temporary."_

I had no idea what the hell I was talking about, but Tony seemed hopeful.

So because of that...I had to be.

Britt looked at me and then nodded in agreement.

 _"Hopefully."_ She said before looking up at Ari. _"You should sit down."_

Ari looked at me and then sat on the coffee table and wrapped her arms around herself. Something she always did when she was trying to protect herself from something. I had no idea what was happening, but it was evident that it affected Britt and Ari.

_"Talk to me, Brittany."_

Britt took a deep breath and then looked at Ari in the eyes.

 _"I'm sorry."_ she said quietly.

What was going on?

How bad was it?

I took a deep breath and told myself that I would be supportive and get Britt through it no matter what it was.

We could conquer anything.

She needed me, and I wouldn't let her down.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

As Ana walked away from me after I had whipped my girls into shape, Tony threw an arm over my shoulders and leaned against my ear.

_"I'm on your side in this. Don't forget that...okay?"_

His words, though, didn't really give me confidence. My bullshit had compromised his career, too, but I looked in his eyes and nodded.

_"Is it awful?"_

_"Let's just say that...Dionne-"_

_"That's enough, Tony!"_ Frank snapped back at us.

Our heads jerked up when we realized that our conversation wasn't so private.

Frank was pissed off, and that was never a good sign.

I swallowed the acid in my throat and then tried to smile.

Tony looked at me nervously. Then we followed our bosses to the other end of the theater and up the stairs towards the old balcony converted into two great big offices.

This could go two ways. If we headed into one of their offices, then I was probably fired, but if we went into the big conference room at the end of the hall, then it was just going to be harsh words, but I would still have a job.

I hung back and waited to see which way it was going to go. I swallowed hard when I saw August look back at me as he opened his office door.

_"Come on in, Brittany."_

Shit.

I got even more nervous when Tony stayed in the hall with Frank.

There was something off about all of this, and it seemed like Tony already had an idea of what it was, but I would hold my chin up just like Ana would tell me to.

They wouldn't see me break.

That was my hope.

This could still be okay. August was the one who had given me the job.

He was close to Frankie; he loved me like his own daughter.

Maybe that was why he took me into his office alone and not him and Frank.

The news would be easier coming from August, right?

_"Have a seat, Brittany."_

I nodded and slid into a seat in front of his desk.

My body screaming for me to stand once my ass hit the chair's hardwood, but I didn't show it. I'd pushed myself a little too hard, but I needed to.

I couldn't be weak.

Even if it was August.

He didn't sit behind his desk; instead, he took the chair next to me and turned it towards me.

This was new.

I was so confused.

It was like I was in high school all over again.

Be cool, Lopez.

Just be cool.

* * *

_"I have to be honest with you, Brittany...we didn't think that you were coming back. Well, Frank didn't think s,o but I did. I knew that you would come back here and at least fight for your job. Frankie even confirmed it."_

_"Frankie?"_

I hadn't spoken to her since she left New York, so it shocked me that she had vouched for me.

_"Yes. I called her to ask if she had been in contact with you. She told me that she hadn't really been. She did promise me that you would have a good reason for all this time that you have squandered."_

_"Squandered?"_

My head was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

_"You have still been getting paid your normal salary, even with you sleeping around with one of the dancers. We had kept you on, even when you pushed your work off onto other people like Ariana. And you know how Frank is about her. I never heard the end of that rant. I nearly passed out when today things were suddenly different. Because suddenly, today, you came back in here like you owned the place. You showed us why we hired you, and now we are both conflicted. Now we are wondering if this version of you is back for good."_

I nodded as I took in what he had just said.

After a moment, I realized that he was waiting for some kind of response from me.

_"I'm back for good. I went through some pretty hard stuff, but I'm back to do my job. I'll do whatever you ask of me...just don't fire me, please, August?"_

I wasn't above begging.

_"I don't want to fire you, Brittany. That's why you are in here with me and not in with Frank...I needed to see where your head was before I vouched for you in a few minutes."_

This wasn't it?

There was more to all of this?

August saw my confusion and patted my knee.

_"Frank wants to meet with you and me after he is done talking to Tony."_

Tony was in with Frank?

I'd never forgive myself if he lost his job because of me.

_"So I'm not getting fired?"_

_"Not today, unless you don't cooperate. If you want this job, then you have some explaining to do."_

_"Explaining?"_

I wasn't sure what they knew exactly, but I knew it was something bigger than just me and Grady.

_"About Grady and Dionne. About the state of your office, the drug usage...and about your extended vacation. If we are going to keep you on then, you need to be completely honest with us. We need to know whether keeping you on will be a benefit or a liability at this point."_

Honesty.

That's what I had told Ana that I would give them, and now I didn't have a choice.

* * *

August ushered me into the conference room where Tony and Frank were already sitting.

Tony looked angry as he looked at me and then over at August.

 _"This is bullshit, August!"_ Tony stood from his chair and pointed a finger towards Frank. _"Don't do this to her. She's been through enough!"_

 _"Like what? It would be nice if her bosses knew, don't you think?"_ Frank said with a stupid smile on his face.

 _"Tony...calm down...this meeting is about us all getting on even footing. Our investors will be in for the whole month of January, and we need to all be on the same page, or we are all out of a job. Brittany plays a major part in that."_ August said as he sat beside me.

I was quiet, and so was Tony as he sat back down in his chair and looked at me.

This was not how I thought this day would turn out, but I was prepared for the worst.

Ana had always told me to never blurt out the first thing that came to my mind. So, waited until I actually knew what they knew.

Frank leaned over the table, looked across at me, and smiled, but I could see right through him.

He wanted me gone.

I could see it all over his face, but he was outnumbered.

Tony and August were in my corner.

For now.

There was some stuff that I would rather forget, and I was hoping that Dionne hadn't said anything about it.

 _"The moment that you two push too fucking hard...I'm taking her out of here."_ Tony said as he crossed his arms over his chest.

August nodded in agreement.

 _"Okay."_ August said before looking over at Frank. _"Where do you want to start?"_

_"The sex on my stage."_

I nearly choked; I thought we were alone that night.

_"What?"_

_"Yes...sex on my stage. I walked out of my office, and there you two were going at it on the middle of my stage like jackrabbits!"_

Tony growled...Frank actually looked scared and immediately apologized.

 _"What do you want to know about it?"_ I asked plainly.

I wasn't going to play any of Frank's games.

_"How long after we hired Grady did you start having sex with him?"_

_"What does that have to do with anything, Frank?"_ Tony asked before I could answer.

_"It matters because there is a rule in both of your contracts that strictly forbids affairs with the dancers. It also has guidelines about drug usage. From what I know, Brittany broke both of those rules."_

I was tired, and I couldn't keep up with the arguing going on in front of me.

They were all yelling at each other now.

Finally, I had enough and slammed my hands on the table.

_"Stop!"_

* * *

All three of them froze when I stood up.

_"Please...I'll tell you what you want to know."_

_"I want to know everything,"_ Frank said finally.

I leaned forward on my hands. Staring down at all of them, just like I had I learned from Sue...to always seem larger than your opponent.

So I sighed and then started at the beginning.

_"I hired Dionne, and she flirted with me endlessly. I didn't sleep with her. We kissed once. We smoked weed...but not here at my house. She stayed with me for a while and then she told me about her friend that was this amazing dancer. Tony was looking for the male lead, so I sent her to him. I didn't meet Grady until after Santana went into rehab. We started off as just friends. We flirted a little, but it was harmless."_

Frank rolled his eyes and chuckled, but Tony glared at him, so he stopped.

 _"Then what?"_ Frank sighed.

_"Then one night...we were dancing...just for fun after we had both gotten way too high. Yes...it was in my office. It went a little too far. We had sex on the stage...I got pregnant but didn't know it. I know that's against the rules too. I didn't tell anyone because I was still trying to work things out with my wife. Dionne stayed at my house until my sister-in-law put me out for smoking in the house while my son was there. She thought I was sleeping with Dionne...so I found Dionne a place with my friend Rachel. She kept trying to sleep with me. I refused her. Santana and I broke up after that...so Grady and I kept things going. I was still professional...I was still doing my job. I hired every single one of those girls when I was sober and trained them. I did my job."_

_"Until you didn't."_ Frank grumbled, and Tony shot him another look, but this time, Frank snapped at him. _"Tell me I'm wrong, that you didn't work overtime to cover her."_

Tony didn't answer Frank; instead, he gestured for me to continue.

 _"When thing_ _fell apart with Santana...I told Grady how I wanted to go back to her, and he got mad. He threatened to leave the show...I begged him not to. He told me that he had enlisted in the military to better take care of our baby. Still, then the next day...after he spent the night with Dionne...he came in and made me feel like complete shit. He convinced me to get an abortion. He told me that you two would fire me if I was pregnant. So I did it. He left me here by myself, and I got depressed. I got sick, and so Tony and Ari covered for me. They didn't know what was going on...just that Grady had left me. I was so depressed that I stopped taking care of myself. I was too weak to dance; I was too sick to get out of bed. Santana came here and got me on my feet enough to try and work. Then I got sick again. Thankfully Santana found you_ _guys,_ _Tucker. Who has not steered you wrong. And if it wasn't for her, you wouldn't have Ari either, by the way."_ I said, pointing at Frank. He looked at me and bowed his head before looking at me with that coolness again. They were all looking at me with looks of horror. They had asked for this, and so I was giving it to them. It was the first time that I had said most of this stuff out loud, and it actually felt good.

 _"And the extended vacation?"_ August said in a whisper.

_"When you guys told me that I had no choice but to take time off...I got really sick and ended up in the hospital. I almost died. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy. I needed that time because I could barely walk on my own. I came back as soon as I could."_

* * *

After I finished pouring out my soul, I sat down in my chair and looked at Tony. He was clenching his jaw as he looked at me with a hurt look in his eyes.

He had never heard the whole story and looked like he would have wanted to know.

 _"I'm sorry."_ I said to him, but he just reached over and squeezed my hand.

 _"How's your mental health?"_ He asked.

_"Actually, I took some time to get that leveled out. I'm on meds; I'm in therapy. I'm doing great."_

_"That's good to hear."_

It was silent for a long time, and then finally, August broke through it all.

_"Thank you for that information, Brittany. I'm sorry that you went through such a hard time. I wish that you had come to us about it. It must have been tough to go through that sort of thing."_

_"Thank you, August, but I'm better now, and I just want to work."_ I said quietly.

 _"Why don't you step out for a second...go get some water...while we talk about this?"_ August said.

I nodded and slowly walked from the room.

Had I done the right thing?

Should I have found out what they knew first?

They asked for honesty, right?

I had told them everything.

* * *

I stood leaning against the vending machine, trying to calm down my emotions, when Tony poked his head into the hall and waved me back in.

Everything was quiet as I sat back at the end of the table. August wouldn't look at me, and Tony wouldn't look at Frank.

It was really tense and horrible. Frank cleared his throat and then looked at me with the same harsh expression.

_"It's unfortunate that you had to go through something so horrible. It's commendable that you were still able to dance today. Unfortunately, you still broke several rules, and that means that we have to follow through with the consequences if we ever want to move forward."_

_"Okay...what are the consequences."_ I leaned forward on the table and crossed my hands.

He wasn't going to break me.

 _"Every move that you made is now in question. Frankly, the entire time that you have been here, you haven't been entirely focused. So every single dancer that you hired will have to re-audition...including Ariana, unfortunately." Frank looked angry at that statement, and I just looked at him in_ disbelief.

The smirks on both Tony and August's faces told me that they threw that in to keep Frank fair. If he was going to be such a stickler for the rules, then his precious favorite wasn't exempt.

_"Frank...I hired 48 dancers. You want me to re-audition all of them?"_

_"No."_

_"Oh, thank God...that's extreme."_

He seemed pleased with my answer.

_"No...YOU will not re-audition them. Tony and August will. Until every slot has been reviewed, you are still suspended. You will still report to work every day to help Tony with anything he needs, but you will not be paid for it. Also...given that you don't seem to be the person that we hired...you are going to need to re-audition as well."_

I wanted to explode.

 _"What?!"_ I looked at Tony, and he looked away from me.

This is what he had been angry about, and now he couldn't meet my eyes.

I had 48 jobs on the line now because of my actions, well 49 if I included myself.

How could I think that I would get away with this?

* * *

 _"Do you agree with those terms?"_ Frank asked after I had been silent for too long.

_"I already told August that I was willing to do whatever he asked. So I'm not going to go back on that."_

_"Good...then we are done here."_

_"Not quite."_

_"Excuse me?"_

_"What did she tell you?"_

_"Who?"_ His eyebrows raised.

_"Dionne Parker. What did she say to you since this is a time of honesty?"_

Frank looked at August but didn't say anything.

Finally, August looked at me in the eyes and sighed heavily.

_"She told us that you threw yourself at Grady and threatened to fire him if he didn't sleep with you. Which was suspect since only Tony, Frank, or I can fire the male dancers. She told us that you were selling marijuana to the other dancers. We asked around, and none of the other dancers verified that story. So we were iffy about her claims, but then she talked about other things...like you sleeping with Grady around the theater, and we started to think that some of what she was saying was true. We wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. You hired that girl. Now, we need to go back and look through the rest of the dancers you hired. We can't afford to have someone like that on our staff. It will create chaos. We want you, Brittany...we just need you to be on board. Hopefully, you having to audition to regain your position as a head choreographer will help you regain your focus. This is just temporary."_

I nodded and then looked at Tony...he wasn't buying anything that August was saying.

He was still angry, and I just wanted to cry.

Why couldn't I just quit?

Right...this was my dream.

I just wasn't sure that it was still worth it.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

It was like watching a train wreck.

Britt wasn't crying anymore; instead, she looked at Ari and waited for some kind of explosion, but Ari didn't say anything. She just looked at me and then back at Britt.

 _"I have to go."_ She left the room without another word.

She was pissed.

This was her dream...her life, and she had dropped out of school and given up a prestigious scholarship to take this job. Brittany had jeopardized that by messing with Grady when she knew that it was against the rules.

If it hadn't been for Britt telling her just how sick she had gotten, how she had the hysterectomy, I was pretty sure that Ari would have torn her down. Still, she had swallowed her anger and left before she could say anything hurtful.

I sat there staring at Britt, waiting for her to say something, but she didn't, and then my phone started buzzing.

Britt got up and went into the bathroom, slamming the door behind her.

I heard the lock click and knew that she just needed some time alone.

We were more open and honest, but we still needed our space, and I knew that this was one of those moments where I had to let her come to me.

**_How are you guys? I didn't think you'd be gone all day.-Q_ **

**_We are coming home soon. Sorry about that. Did the kids eat dinner?-San_ **

**_Yes and bathed.-Q_ **

**_Are they in bed yet?-San_ **

**_Yup, Puck and Beth are here, I hope that's okay-Q_ **

**_Of course. It's been a hard day, B won't be in the mood to deal with people.-San_ **

**_Say less, I'll tell him not to wait for her. Is it okay if Beth stays though?-Q_ **

**_Of course. I gtg. I_ ** **_'m going to see if B is ready to leave.-San_ **

**_Ok...see you soon.-Q_ **

**_Thanks for this!-San_ **

**_Anytime.-Q_ **

I heard glass breaking in the bathroom and immediately jumped up.

Before I could knock on the door, it cracked open. Britt knew that I would demand to come in so she couldn't fight me on it.

I pushed open the door and could see that it was the mirror above the sink that had taken the hit.

I looked straight at Britt's hands, but they looked undamaged.

Then I saw that she was missing a shoe.

It was in the sink.

 _"Well...that's interesting."_ I joked.

Britt looked up at me with a confused look and then shrugged.

_"I remembered how you broke your hand, so I threw my shoe instead."_

_"I see, that was smart."_

_"Are you mad at me too?"_

She looked at me with that sad face that I couldn't resist.

I pulled her from the bathroom and out into the office.

_"No, B. In fact...I'm proud of you. So fucking proud."_

She sat back on the couch and looked up at me in shock.

_"Are you serious?"_

I nodded and then walked over to her office door and locked it.

_"Very."_

* * *

I lifted my shirt over my head and then unclasped my bra as I made my way back to her.

She licked her lips again before pulling her bottom lip into her mouth.

I pushed down my shorts and panties in one shot and then straddled her lap completely naked.

_"I can't believe you are doing this right now."_

She looked up at me with her eyebrows raised.

 _"I want you so bad, B. Right now...take me...please?"_ I begged.

She put her hands on my hips and then leaned up and captured my lips.

 _"Why?"_ she pulled away and looked at me in confusion.

_"Because...you could have gone up there and quit, but you didn't. You talked about all the shit that you have been holding in, and then you came in here, and you told me. I'm so proud of you."_

B still seemed hesitant, but that didn't last long once I took her hand and placed it between my legs.

She moaned into my mouth.

 _"You're really wet."_ She whispered.

 _"Only for you, Britt...now fuck me...please?"_ I said as I looked her straight in the eyes.

I threw my head back when she kissed my chest, and at the same time, she pushed her fingers inside of me.

I rested my forehead against hers and growled. _"Yessssss...like that. God...Britt, fuck me!"_ I moaned.

 _"Yeah?"_ she whispered.

She was into this now, and I didn't let her stop being into it until I came so hard that I had to bite her shoulder to keep from screaming.

It was hot and heavy...and really, really good.

We returned to the apartment the same way that we had left it.

Hand in hand.

Quinn was sitting on the couch with Daniela stretched across her lap while Beth watched cartoons.

_"Hey Q."_

_"Hey."_

Britt plopped down on the couch next to Beth and turned her eyes to the cartoons without a word.

Even though it had been good at the moment, the sex didn't seem to help her mood.

I thought that being intimate would help her not feel so low, but maybe it just wasn't the right time?

* * *

After I kicked off my shoes, I picked up Daniela and sat down next to Q.

 _"Che-che?"_ Daniela said sleepily, so I got her latched on before resting my head on Quinn's shoulder.

_"Thanks for holding down the fort, Q."_

_"Anytime."_

_"How were they today?"_

_"Izzy hit Dani, but I scolded him; he cried and wouldn't talk to me for like an hour. Then I made nuggets for lunch, and suddenly we were friends again. How about you guys?"_

_"It sucked...let's talk about it tomorrow...tonight, let's just relax."_ Britt said without looking away from the tv.

Quinn looked at me with a raised brow and I shook my head.

There was no going against Britt right now. She needed some time, and by God, we were going to give it to her.

She'd been through enough.

Thankfully for us both, I was better, and while sex may not have been the answer, I would stop at nothing to make sure I could help her over this hump.

Even though right now she felt lower than low, Britt was a fighter.

She just needed to get her confidence back.


	22. Clocks (Coldplay)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After four deletions and three chapter songs, I have finally landed with this. My heart has been so heavy lately, and my mind has been full...I came back as soon as I was ready to deliver acceptable content. I hope the length makes up for my prolonged absence. Enjoy.

**December**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Something that I've always admired about my wife is her ability to compartmentalize the bullshit in her life. It was a trait that I had been trying to mimic for years and never got quite right.

After everyone was in bed, she grabbed my laptop and then sat next to me with a grin on her face.

 _"What's that face about?"_ I asked as I absently checked my emails.

_"Well...as you know, Christmas is only a few weeks away, and we haven't put up a single decoration...we haven't really done any shopping for presents either. Since it's our first real Christmas with the kids and all of us healthy, I thought we could do some shopping."_

_"Now?"_

She grinned and nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"What did you have in mind?"_

_"I found this Christmas store in Hoboken; they have fake trees and every kind of decoration you could imagine."_

_"Oh yeah? Do they deliver because I don't know about you, but I am so not in the mood to go to New Jersey?"_

_"They do, but the delivery charge into the city is super expensive...I know you can afford it, but don't you think it would be better to just go together?"_ She was pouting and giving me sad puppy eyes. _"Please?"_

_"Are they open tomorrow?"_

_"Yup!"_

_"Okay, fine, but you're driving!"_

_"Awesome!"_ She said and then pouted again.

_"What?"_

_"Can we take the kids to see Santa?"_

_"Oh God...seriously?"_

_"Please? I think we all really need this."_

We'd been through hell in the past two years, and while nothing could erase our past, we certainly could start making some amazing memories for the kids.

_"Sure, but not tomorrow, shopping and decorating will be a lot. Let's go on Sunday and drag Quinn along...she needs to be on runaway toddler duty if we are going to take on the mall. Deal?"_

_"Deal."_

_"Can we cuddle now?"_

_"Of course."_

* * *

I fell asleep in Britt's arms with her happily humming; I woke up with a splitting headache and a smoker's cough.

Britt was pouting again as she shoved a thermometer in my mouth. I felt terrible for ruining her plans. Seeing her sad face made me feel so fucking guilty for all the cigarettes that I'd been sneaking out on the patio.

 _"Did you plan this?"_ She muttered as she looked at it. _"You definitely have a fever; you already had this; how did it come back?"_

 _"I can still go."_ I went to get out of bed, and she shoved me back until I was lying against the mountain of pillows she'd fluffed.

_"No. You will stay here. I will ask Quinn if she wants to go. If she doesn't want to, then I'll just go by myself."_

_"Or you could ask Ari."_

_"No. Seeing her at work is enough. I know that I've been all cool about it, but I'm still pissed that you two had sex. I'm trying to be grown-up about it, but it still stings...seeing her more than I have to isn't going to help me move on."_

_"Right. Sorry."_

_"It's fine. Are you hungry?"_

_"Yeah...can you make me some oatmeal?"_

_"Sure, baby. Relax, I'll go talk to Quinn and make you breakfast."_ Her face was all scrunched up while she typed into her phone, making a list like I had taught her to. Then she smirked, kissed my forehead, and left me alone.

After she made me breakfast, watched me take medicine, and found me a babysitter, Britt was left with Sal, Quinn, and the kids.

I fell asleep soon after and woke up to Mari looking down at me in concern.

 _"What?!"_ I croaked, and she gave me her bad news smile. I hadn't seen it since I was in the ICU and God, did I hate it. _"Why are you looking at me like that?"_

 _"You're lungs sound like shit."_ She put her stethoscope back around her neck. _"The rest of your vitals are fine. Do you have a nebulizer?"_

_"No. Isaac does."_

_"Where do you keep it?"_

_"His closet."_

_"I'll be right back."_

I nodded and then made my way to the bathroom. My reflection was horrendous. My skin was blotchy, and my eyes were bloodshot.

After peeing forever, I brushed my teeth before heading back to bed.

My sister was waiting with the nebulizer set up and waving my secret pack of cigarettes. I had hidden them behind the hot tub on the patio, but apparently, that was a shitty hiding spot.

_"You've been smoking."_

_"I know."_

_"Are you trying to kill yourself?"_

_"No."_

_"Then stop being an idiot."_

_"Noted."_

_"This is the worst of it, right?"_

I nodded and then happily took the mask, pulling it over my face before she could ask me anything else.

The last thing I wanted was an interrogation.

Even if I was sober.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Thank goodness, Sal decided to take his own car.

After four hours of shopping, we took all four of the kids out for lunch and dessert before heading back to the apartment.

I don't know how Sal did it, but he convinced Mari to take the kids for the night while getting everything perfect.

She gave me a list of instructions for taking care of Ana as if I hadn't done that before, but then she handed me a half-full pack of cigarettes and shook her head.

_"Did you know?"_

_"I suspected, but I couldn't prove it."_

_"Well, she's already been yelled at and lectured. Her mom stopped by with soup and forced her into one of those baths; she's up in the loft."_

_"The loft?"_

_"She had a burst of energy and wanted to write."_

I had plans for the loft, and I needed her in bed to do them.

_"How long has she been up there?"_

_"An hour. Do you want me to check on her before I go?"_

_"No, I got it. Thanks, Mari, for everything."_

_"Anytime, sis."_ She said and kissed my face. I waited until I closed the door behind her before wiping my eyes. She'd called me sis...it was the first time that anyone had since Court.

I'd been trying so hard to fill my time with other things, knowing that the anniversary of my sister's death was coming...she loved Christmas. Some of this was for her.

 _"B?"_ Ana stepped out of the elevator with a notebook in her hands and a worried look on her face. _"Are you okay?"_

_"Yeah...I was just thinking of Court."_

She held her arms open, and I walked across the room, lifted her in my arms, and walked us back towards the room.

We passed Quinn and Beth as they came from the bathroom. _"Should I get started?"_ She called after me.

_"Please?"_

_"Come on, Beth, let's put on some decorating music."_

* * *

Ana held me as I cried; she kept kissing my face and rubbing my back.

_"Is this why you wanted to decorate right away?"_

_"Kind of."_

_"Then you should; I'm exhausted."_ She gave this fake little stretch, but there was something else in her eyes.

_"How did the writing go?"_

_"Good...I mean, I wish I didn't have to go all the way upstairs to play. I think I need a keyboard in here."_

_"Is that a Christmas gift request?"_ She was sitting in my lap already, so I kissed her cheeks and then dropped my voice deep. _"Ho, Ho, Ho...what else do you want, baby love?"_

She giggled and then tapped her chin with her finger as she thought. _"Hmmm...A keyboard, a spa day, a shopping spree, a record player, records, music books...and um...a B coupon book."_

I was shocked that she remembered my first Christmas gift to her. I had slipped it in her locker; it was a coupon book for sweet lady kisses, tickles, and a few no-questions-asked ones.

She used those first, always in situations when she didn't want to explain a new bruise from her dad or why she was crying or fighting. I hadn't given her another book after finding a way to get the no-questions-asked coupons back, and she kept giving them to me. I stopped asking about the bruises, and it just became something unspoken between us. Still, honestly, it was the perfect gift for someone who could afford to buy themselves anything.

 _"Okay, have you been good this year?"_ I teased, and she bit her lip.

_"Yes?"_

_"Are you asking me?"_

_"Well, for most of the year, I've been good."_

_"Are you sure?"_

_"This isn't fun anymore."_ She muttered and buried her face against my neck. I had taken my teasing too far, obviously. I held her in my arms and rocked her to the music that was blasting through the apartment.

_"I love you. I am going to make sure this Christmas is the BEST."_

_"Promise?"_

_"Yup."_

_I dumped her on the bed, and she scowled at me; I kissed her a few times until her dimples were dug deep into her cheeks as she smiled. "What about you, B? What do you want?"_

_"I want to give the kids and your new traditions."_

_"But like, from me?"_

_"The best gift that you could give me is taking care of my wife. You haven't done such a good job of that, and it's all I want from you."_

_"Oh."_

_"And maybe...if you want...a family trip far away. Just the four of us would be amazing."_

Her grin got wider. _"You got it, B."_

 _"Do you want to come to sit out there while we decorate?"_ I asked her, hoping she'd say no because I really did want to surprise her.

_"Nah, I want to be surprised...I trust you."_

Even a year after I had put her in that coma, it still made my body hot, and my pride swells to hear her say those three words.

She hated surprises because they never were good, but she was trusting me to knock her socks off.

Challenge accepted.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

Beyoncé had told me to update her with any progress that I had made, and I had yet to do that.

Sure it had only been a few days, but you don't just keep Beyoncé waiting because she can and will move on.

Only, I was sick in bed, and I wasn't sure what I had was good enough, so instead of calling her, I did the next best thing.

_**You busy?-Santana** _

_**I'm just watching housewives. What's up?-Aretha** _

_**Check your email; I need honest feedback!-Santana** _

_**Bet.-Aretha** _

_**Oh, and Mercedes? It's for Beyoncé.-Santana** _

_**Damn. Okay, hold on-Aretha** _

While I waited for Mercedes to get back to me, I took a treatment and finished the soup that Mami had brought over. Even cold, it tasted like heaven.

There was Christmas music blasting and a lot of movement. There was no way it was just Quinn, B, and Beth out there, but I really did want to be surprised, so I occupied myself in other ways. I fluffed up the pillows, took more medicine, and even brushed my hair.

Just as I was about to breakdown and call Mercedes but then my phone chimed. I dove onto the bed to get it and nearly busted my face on the headboard.

 _"Hey,"_ I said, trying to sound casual. I utterly failed.

_"Girl, I'm sorry that I took so long, but I had to get over the fact that you wrote this amazing hit for someone else. I played it for my girls here."_

_"What? I'm sick. My voice is trash right now."_

_"Nah, you had extra rasp. You sounded beautiful. I love the song, it needs some runs, but it's so dope."_

_"It is?"_

_"Yes, I especially liked the chorus. **I know I let you down, but I'm wide open now**. **I'm ready to put on work, so baby, work me over.** "_

_"I was in my feelings."_

_"I can tell. You and B are working things out, I guess?"_

_"Yup. It's not finished, but Beyoncé said that was okay, she wanted to hear it as soon as I had something, but I wanted to run it by you first."_

_"Then you should do this. Don't sleep on it; if she loves it, she'll want to lay down the track as soon as possible."_

After some coaching and prodding, I finally agreed with Mercedes. I called Beyoncé, but she didn't answer, so I emailed her the same clip I had sent Mercedes. I wasn't going to stress over it. She already trusted my talent, or she wouldn't have asked me to write the song; now that Mercedes loved it, I knew everything would fall in place because if Beyoncé passed on the song, I was sure that Mercedes would take it.

The next morning, I woke up in an empty bed, which made me annoyed immediately.

But then I picked up my phone and checked my messages.

_**Santana, this is Bey. This is everything! Can you come over and lay this down on Monday?-Unknown** _

My mood changed immediately.

 _"YES!"_ I screamed, climbing up on the bed and jumping. There were a bunch of footsteps, and then the door flung open. Britt, Quinn, and Mari were standing there looking at me like I was nuts. _"Beyoncé liked the song! She wants to record on Monday!"_

And just like that, we were all up on the bed, jumping and screaming.

Best. Sunday. Ever.

Once I got tired of jumping, I fell down onto the bed, and everyone followed.

 _"Where are my babies?"_ I asked Mari, and she shrugged.

_"Your mom kidnapped them. Apparently, they'll be here for brunch."_

I cringed; God did I hate the thought of brunch.

There were too many bad memories. B thankfully noticed my mood shift.

 _"Are you ready to see Christmas?"_ She asked, looking both nervous and excited.

_"Yes."_

She had outdone herself.

The first thing that I saw was hanging white lights everywhere, then the eight-foot tree. The living room, dining room, and kitchen looked like a winter wonderland but a professional movie set.

How much money had I spent?

 _"What do you think?"_ B asked nervously when I was too silent.

I stared at the train that circled the tree, and my jaw dropped open.

_"Is that the Hogwarts Express?"_

_"Yeah, I couldn't resist."_

_"Holy...wow. This is amazing!"_ I kissed B so hard, and she smiled into the kiss.

_"Sweet! So, how are you feeling? Tired at all?"_

_"Nope."_

_"Great because there's more."_

How could there be more?

Britt led me to the steps, and my family silently followed.

When we got up to the loft, I couldn't help my tears.

She'd gotten a beautiful carpet, set my piano on it, added comfortable furniture, and filled the bookshelves between the windows. She'd turned it into a haven. Then I saw it.

_"How the heck did you get that up here?"_

_"While you slept, Saul and Johnny came over. They helped."_

My father's desk sat in front of the bookshelves with his big leather captain's chair.

_"What about using this as your dance space?"_

_"I can dance at work; you needed a place to work and run your business. So I made this your space. It's kinda your early Christmas gift. Do you like it?"_

_"B, I love it."_

_"I got you a microphone and stuff so you could record, but it's not here yet."_

_"Wow."_

Best. Sunday. Ever.

* * *

As a family, we decided to celebrate Dani's birthday and Christmas all at once during a family dinner.

The baby didn't know the difference, and I didn't really care about the celebration, as much I cared that I was with my daughter on her first birthday, which meant I was just six months away from my planned cut-off of breastfeeding. I'd been bitching about her teeth, but when the doctor told me that if I could, I should try to stop at 18 months, so that was the new plan.

With Christmas just five days away, I was feeling way more hopeful than ever.

Recording alongside Beyoncé, listening to her adlib, and add runs to the song just blew me away. Her work ethic gave me something to aspire to.

If I wanted to take this songwriting thing seriously, I knew that I had made a fan out of her.

And now that I had an actual office space, I felt even more driven to make things happen.

Sal always says that the key to maintaining wealth is to have multiple streams of income, and I was well on my way to achieving that.

After everyone left, Britt and I sat with the kids around the table; we gave Dani her own little smash cake, sat back, and watched her go to town.

She sat staring at it for a long moment and then began smacking her chubby hands into the frosting.

_"Look at her go! B, you have to call your parents."_

She videoed her parents, and the apartment filled with laughter.

After Daniela completely demolished the cake, after sharing little pieces with Isaac, Britt took on the job of cleaning up the kids while I cleaned up the frosting.

 _"Did you get the tickets?"_ I asked my in-laws once Britt was out of earshot.

 _"Yes, we did."_ Rob said, _"You didn't have to pay for them."_

_"I know, I just wanted to do something special. I think some alone time with you two will be good for all three of you, especially at this time of year. Plus, I miss you, and your grandbabies miss you."_

Susan wiped her eyes and gave me a soft smile. _"We miss you all too. How's she been?"_

_"Decorating like a madwoman and spoiling me rotten."_

_"What about work?"_

_"Frank took a last-minute family trip to Vail, and August decided that they'd table everything until the new year. So, she's home with me."_

_"Is she dancing at least?"_ Rob looked nervous.

_"Yup, she's been going to the theater for a few hours a day with Ari to prepare."_

_"Good. I hope you have plans for us too."_ Susan said.

_"Definitely, Mom; you and I are going to have a spa day."_

_"Thank God, these cuticles are a hot mess."_

* * *

**January**

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"So, how are we doing this?"_ I asked Tony after barging into his office without knocking. He was on his prayer mat, bent over, and didn't bother to answer me. So, I got down next to his couch, pulled out my rosary, and began silently praying beside him.

It was something we'd done before, back when I had put my wife in the hospital, and I needed some absolution.

Our religions didn't matter as much as prayer and meditation did.

Finally, I heard him move, but I needed to finish the prayer I was in, and he respected that.

Once we were both done with our rituals, he helped me up from my knees and clapped me on the shoulders.

_"You aren't doing anything. Frank made that clear."_

_"Can I at least watch the auditions?"_

_"Will you be able to watch silently?"_

_"Of course, ask anyone; I know how to shut up when I need to."_

_"I'll talk to the guys, but really, it's important that you know August called in Frankie. She'll be here to oversee the ladies. We need that female perspective."_

_"Oh. Is she here already?"_

_"Yeah, she's up in the conference room with Frank and August; there are plans that I was told were above me."_

_"What? Why?"_

_"I don't know. I am happy to have a job."_

_"So when is my audition?"_

_"Last. I think it's supposed to give you a push. I fought for you to be auditioned first, but Frank was adamant."_

_"Of course he was."_

_"The schedule is pretty cut and dry. Dancers will be split into two groups rather than doing them one by one. So they will audition as a group, each will perform a 30-second solo. You and I will be leading the routine, but then you have to sit out the judging."_

_"When is this all happening?"_

_"The company today, then you, Ari, and Dionne tomorrow."_

_"Dionne?"_

_"She came back and demanded an audition."_

_"And they gave to her?"_

_"Frank is sitting on his high horse. I think he just wants the chance to humiliate her; what he doesn't realize is that as lazy as she is, she is a good dancer."_

_"I know."_

_"That being said, at no time are you to be alone with her. It will only confuse things and make them suspect that there is something between you two."_

_"Eww."_

* * *

Ari insisted that we practice at every free moment, which I bitched about because I just wanted to be home with my wife and kids. Still, once I was on that stage, I was so grateful in front of my bosses and Frankie.

I did my customary stretch and then looked to Tony, who was standing stage left.

The female lead came on stage first and carried most of the first Act.

It was the second hardest routine that I had created, and after months of practice, each of these dancers should be able to nail it.

When I looked out into the audience, I was grateful that Frankie kept the lamp on; she smiled at me and then nodded when she was ready.

 _"Devil's advocate, the full sequence at practice speed, follow my lead because I'm taking it to show speed."_ I called back to my first group of dancers. _"5, 6, 7, 8!"_

Tony had given me the suggestion that I should dance with my back to the group, so I faced the audience and began the dance.

Slow at first, and then, I picked it up and did the routine flawlessly.

I barely broke a sweat when I was finished.

 _"Thanks, Britt."_ I nodded, and then she looked behind me. _"Alright, ladies, I'll be up on the stage this time, tapping you off if you've made the cut. If the routine ends and you haven't been tapped, Frank and August have agreed that you can have one more shot with a fresh routine."_

Tony took my hand and led me off the stage; Frankie smiled at me as she made her way up.

_"Looks like you can watch."_

Tony had been watching from backstage, so he had seen what I hadn't.

_"Anybody off?"_

_"Two of them, Debbie and Stacey."_

_"Dionne's friends."_ I muttered. _"Figures."_

_"We talked about this, don't talk about her in earshot of Frank."_

_"Right."_

We sat in the front row and then the music started.

No one was calling my girls to attention, so I did. _"Ladies, show speed. Ready, 5, 6, 7, 8!"_ Frankie nodded at me in appreciation.

Sure enough, Debbie and Stacey were both off the count and missing sections of the routine.

Frankie looked annoyed but kept tapping dancers until it was down to four girls.

The seats behind us filled up with girls waiting for the next part of the routine.

 _"Hey B?"_ Frankie called down to me.

_"Yeah?"_

_"Madonna routine."_

I nodded and headed back up to the stage.

It had been years now since I had danced with Frankie, and this routine, in particular, was a little raunchy.

Ana would disapprove, but it was a great routine that would be hard to fake.

 _"Sample."_ Frankie said.

I nodded and then dropped down low, resting back on my hands as I flexed my hips before popping back up like it was nothing.

 _"Full?"_ I asked her, and she shook her head.

 _"Yes."_ She turned on her phone, and then I began the routine. _"Again."_ She said to me when I finished. Then she made me slow it down. Then speed up. I did the routine four times before Frankie was satisfied and sent me back to my seat. I had forgotten how tough she was as the choreographer.

 _"I think she was trying to prove a point."_ I mumbled to Tony as I rubbed at my burning thighs.

_"I think so too. She was staring hard at your every move."_

It took just two minutes into the routine for Frankie to stop the music.

 _"I've seen enough. You two, go back to the group."_ Then she turned towards Frank and August. _"You'll need two new females."_

Stacey and Debbie both looked like fish with their mouths hanging open.

One glare from Frankie, and they were on their way.

She came down from the stage and stopped in front of the remaining dancers.

_"Don't get comfortable ladies, you weren't perfect, but you weren't abysmal. We are not afraid to do this audition process over, as you can see. So step up your game. You're dismissed."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

_"Do you want me to call her?"_ Susan asked me as she bounced a fussy Daniela in her arms.

 _"No. It's fine; I'm sure she just got caught up at work."_ I was dressed in heels and a bodycon dress for the first time in my recent memory. I'd even reminded B before leaving for work that I took her out tonight to celebrate our first anniversary. She'd promised me that she'd be home by five...only now it was eight.

 _"Oh hey, you're still here!"_ Rob said as he came out of the guest room, scratching his belly and yawning. _"I finally got Isaac out of the tub. The kid really likes the water."_

 _"Yeah, I know...um...thanks for offering to watch them tonight. If you want, you can go back to the hotel, we've already missed our dinner reservation, and the show started five minutes ago."_ I said as I kicked off my heels and reached for my baby. A breastfeeding mom can only go so long listening to her baby fuss without leaking all over the place.

My breasts were aching with rage and so much pressure that I felt like I could feed an army.

Once Dani was in my arms, she turned her big brown eyes on me. _"Che-Che, Mami. Che-Che?"_

 _"Mom, can you hand me that blanket?"_ I asked as I sat on the couch, feeling so fucking hurt.

Ever since she'd auditioned her heart out, she'd been busting her ass, but she PROMISED me that today, she'd be home.

Susan draped the blanket over my shoulder and rubbed my back. _"We will stay here tonight. Is that alright?"_

 _"Yeah, that's fine."_ I mumbled as I got Daniela situated.

Just as she was latching on, the front door banged open, startling Daniela into chomping down on my nipple.

 _"FUCK!"_ I yelped.

 _"Sorry, sorry. Shhhh."_ Britt was scolding the door.

 _"Brittany, I told you to wait for me!"_ I felt my body grow cold as Frankie came stumbling behind Britt.

 _"You're kidding me, right?"_ I said to a very drunk Brittany. _"You said that she went back home!"_

_"Well, I lied, obviously! I'm...em...em...embarrassed that she's my boss now!"_

_"Temporarily."_ Frankie said, looking way soberer than my wife.

 _"Mom! You're here!"_ Britt yelled.

 _"Okay, that's enough. You're drunk and loud. That's no way to be."_ Susan said as she wrapped her arm around B. _"Don't just stand there, Robert. She's too big for me to pick up. Get her."_ Rob had been standing in the kitchen watching the commotion but seemed to snap into action at Susan's urging. He came right over, picked Britt up over his shoulder, and walked towards our room with Susan right behind him.

Frankie sat down in my recliner and smacked her lips, chewing obnoxiously on her gum.

 _"Can you not?"_ I said to her, and she looked up at me in confusion.

_"What?"_

_"Chew like that. It's irritating."_

_"Oh, my bad. Are you okay? You look nice!"_

_"She was supposed to be home at 5. It's our anniversary. We had plans."_

_"Oh."_

_"Where was she? How did she get like this?"_

_"Grady. I swear that Frank and Auggie are making an awful decision, hiring him back like this."_

_"What?!"_ I groaned when the baby bit down again. I rubbed her back, and she calmed.

Frankie cringed. _"I know that feeling. Did she bite you hard?"_

_"Yes. Where is your baby, by the way?"_

_"In L.A. with his nanny most likely. Siobhan has custody at the moment; we never recovered from our last trip here."_

_"Yeah, I'm not surprised."_

_"I deserve that. I am sorry. Know that nothing like that happened today."_ Frankie was tipsy but obviously not drunk. _"Like I said, Auggie and Frank hired Grady back. They went over Tony's head and auditioned him in secret. Today, Ari had a doctor's appointment; she's in remission thankfully...anyway, there's a new understudy for Ari, so Britt was showing her the steps when Grady showed up, ready to show the dance to the new girl."_

_"So B had to dance with him?"_

_"Yes."_

_"I'm this fucking close from convincing her to pull out of the show; it's not like we need the money."_

_"She does. Brittany is too proud to depend on you. She likes to be self-sufficient."_

_"You don't think I know that about my own wife, Francis?"_

_"I'm not trying to piss you off. My cab should be here. I'm going to go."_

_"No. Tell me how she got this wasted. She's underage; how did she get that drunk?"_

_"No idea. She stormed off the stage; I stepped in to dance in her place. By the time I got to her office, she was three-quarters through a bottle of Jack Daniels. I snatched the bottle from her, and she threatened to beat my ass if I didn't give it back, so I chugged the rest. Then I got Grady to help her into the cab. Don't look at me like that; he was the only guy left. He was hovering outside her office; I made him useful."_

_"She has fucking trauma, Francis. How can they do this to her?"_

_"Frank wants her out; he's trying to make her quit; I'd bet any amount of money on it."_

* * *

Once Frankie was gone, and Daniela was comfortable in Susan's arms, I headed up to the loft, knowing that there was no use trying to reason with a drunk woman.

She was justified in being upset; I just wish that she had called me. I would have gone over there and been with her or at least sent her father. Rob was a big dude; he would have scared him a bit.

I had the connections to make Grady disappear, but I wasn't sure I wanted to waste a favor on him.

As I stood in the loft, staring through watery eyes at the love that Britt had put into making this space for me, I couldn't find the rage I had when she first got home.

Now that I'd written a song for Beyoncé, I had more confidence in my songwriter skills.

I turned to a fresh page in the music book that Britt had gotten me, clicked on the metronome, and then sat at my piano and stared out at the city lights.

The melody came first, starting like a winding up-tempo, but then came the tune.

I hummed to myself as I played the sonata-allegro. Each of the three movements came to me as if I had played them a hundred times.

Once I had committed it to memory, playing over and over again, I stopped to write out the notes. Then came the words of the song, half Spanish, half rage.

I heard gentle steps and looked up towards the stairs.

Britt stood there, wrapped in my robe, looking guilty.

_"Is that about me?"_

Instead of answering, I just sang the chorus again.

_**It's so hard to be mad at you/my rock/my love** _

_**But you build me up only to then bring me crashing from above** _

_**Damn you for stumbling, damn me for being not breaking your fall** _

_**How can I be to you, dear heart, what you are to me when things fall apart** _

Britt came around the piano and slid onto the bench with me.

She'd never done it before, and it made me uncomfortable, but I didn't stop her.

_"I'm sorry. I just had a bad day...I messed up."_

_"Francis explained everything about Grady."_

_"She did?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Are you mad I didn't tell you she was still here?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Is our anniversary ruined?"_

_"It doesn't have to be."_

Sometimes simple statements like that were enough to get Britt to understand. Right then, she understood.

This night could still be salvaged...if she let it be.

_"Can you teach me to play something?"_

_"Sure."_

I slid off the bench and nudged her to move over.

Then I placed my hands under hers, her long fingers rested on mine as I played Chopsticks.

Maybe our anniversary wasn't perfect, but it was OURS.

I loved her, for better or worse. Grady had been one of the worst things to happen to her that would drive anyone to drink.

_"There is no way I could be mad at you with Grady sniffing around."_

She shivered.

 _"Come here."_ She pulled me until I fell across her lap, _"Face the piano and spread your legs over mine."_ She whispered against my neck, and I nervously did as she said. The bodycon dress slid up around my hips as I sat pressed back against her chest with my legs hanging over hers.

_"What now?"_

_"Play for me, baby."_ She said as she moved my hands to the keys. I began to play while her hands slid up my thighs. _"You're all I want to think about; it's our anniversary, he can't have it."_ Her fingers slid my thong to the side, and then her fingers were inside of me while I tried to keep playing, knowing that if I stopped, so would she. We'd played this game before.

Being in her arms again for the first time in a month, I knew that I never wanted to be without her.

 _"Fuck, B."_ I groaned.

_"Say that you forgive me for tonight."_

_"No. Not yet."_ I whimpered.

 _"Please?"_ She squeaked, her fingers touching spots inside and out that were driving me closer to release.

 _"Please, B...fuck...right there!"_ I pleaded.

_"I'll make it up to you, I promise."_

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

Ana hung off me after having sneaked a little wine; her face was flushed as she flirted.

_"Your parents are heading home on Sunday, B...do you know what that means?"_

_"That we get our bedroom back?"_

_"No, silly, it means that tonight we can get a room somewhere and fuck."_

After my hysterectomy, even with hormone pills, I hadn't wanted to be touched still...even though it'd been two months.

I felt bad that I was holding out on Ana, but I couldn't force the desire to come.

_"No thanks, Ana. I like you sober when we have sexy times."_

I was so tired as we made our way to the town car from Quinn's birthday celebration in Brooklyn.

We'd stayed way later than we'd planned, but that was because Ana had disappeared for over an hour, and I wasn't going to leave until I found her.

She'd been a mid-argument over music with some randos.

Once I got her in the car, she seemed to liven up even more like she was on speed or something.

 _"You okay, baby?"_ I asked her as she grinned at me.

_"Of course, B. I just want you inside me, touching me, fucking me...owning me."_

I glanced up at the driver, but he had his eyes on the road while my wife grinded on me.

_"Santana, stop."_

She pouted and tried to look angry, but I didn't believe it for a second.

 _"Why don't you want me, Brittany?"_ Now her voice was getting screechy. It was a Friday night, I'd worked all day long and was tired, but I'd promised that I would be at Quinn's party. I promised Ana that I would be ready for a night out to make up for not showing up on our anniversary. My head ached, and my body was sore, but I tried to stay upbeat.

_"I do want you; I always do but not when you're drunk."_

_"You suck."_ She crossed her arms, threw herself back against the seat, as close to the door as possible, and glared out the window.

_"I'm sorry that you feel that way; I'm trying my best."_

_"And that's the problem; it's not enough."_ She grumbled.

The words hit me hard, but I wouldn't cry.

She didn't know what she was saying.

* * *

We'd given my parents our bedroom when they decided to stay through January because dad wanted to check out some potential places for Walker. They were planning on opening a Bean in the city, and he'd needed Ana to back him since she was supposed to be the boss. She'd been telling me that she was excited about the new business, but dad told me on the side that she'd been spaced out and nonchalant about it.

There was something off about her, and I couldn't pinpoint it until now.

I was suspicious, but I wasn't going to accuse her just yet.

So instead, tonight, I'd been watching her right up until I got distracted by Celia telling me about her investment in our show and how she'd told my bosses that she would keep investing as long as I stayed on as the choreographer. I hated that I was indebted yet again to the Lopez family, but she assured me that this was really all Quinn's idea.

Quinn had been stepping up now that she was in line to be a mom for real, and she kept doing things to pay Ana and me back for supporting her through everything.

All I wanted, though, was her superior knowledge of my wife and the difference between her drunk and her high. It'd been so long that I couldn't really tell the difference. Quinn was the only person I could trust to be discreet about my suspicions but talking to her about it on her birthday wasn't how I wanted to talk to her.

I wanted to invite her over after my parents left, but I never got the chance because Ana had disappeared and needed to make sure that she was safe.

Now though, she was angry at me, and I didn't know how much more of it I could take...so all the discretion that I was going to use went out the window when she sniffed one too many times.

 _"Did you snort anything tonight?"_ I asked her and her body went stiff.

 _"Fuck off, Brittany."_ She muttered.

_"I have drug tests at home; if you don't want to tell me, then your piss will tell me."_

Her jaw unlocked, and she gaped at me with wide eyes.

_"You wouldn't dare!"_

_"Try me."_

_"I'm tipsy, that's it."_

_"We'll see."_

I'd shown my cards too soon, but I didn't know that until we were pulling up outside the apartment building, and Ana got out of the car, stormed into the building, and vanished.

By the time I got to the lobby, she was gone. I took the elevator up to our place, but she wasn't there.

There was no lingering smell of her perfume, no heels tossed by the door, and no sign of her in any part of the apartment.

She just wasn't there.

Her phone went to voicemail, so I figured I'd just give her time.

I got a quick shower, checked on the kids, then chugged some water while I waited for her.

Finally, an hour later, I got a text.

**_Open the door. Don't have keys.-Ana_ **

I sighed and walked over to the doorway; when I pulled the door open, there she was, holding her shoes in her hands, looking refreshed and very sober.

_"Where were you?"_

_"I took the stairs."_

_"For over an hour?"_ I tried to be calm, but it felt impossible.

She rolled her eyes and tried to push past me. The smell of smoke assaulted me, and I grabbed her wrist. When she looked up at me with blown pupils and swollen lips, I felt sick to my stomach.

_"I need a shower. Can you let me go, please?"_

_"Sure. Have a good night."_

_"What?"_

_"I'm sleeping out here. You can have the room."_

_"Are you serious right now?"_ She snapped, all venom.

_"Yes. You're not yourself right now, and I don't want this fight to become bigger. You can go sleep it off, and I'll stay out here so you can have the bed."_

_"Fine."_ She yanked her arm away and stormed off to the guest room.

I just couldn't believe that we were back to this, fighting and lying to each other.

This was the last thing that I needed.

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

I'd fucked up. I knew it, and so did B. I'd known it from the moment that she yanked me away from my flirting with an old client that I hadn't expected to run into. I told her we were bickering about music, and I'm sure that she saw through that lie.

And then I tried to be hypersexual to cover up my shame of lying.

Then I lashed out, an old default that I'm not proud of.

I needed the break from her...just to get rid of my buzz; that was all I wanted.

So I escaped the car and hid in the stairwell until I knew she'd gone up to the penthouse...and then I took the same elevator up to the seventh floor.

My head was hurting, and my heart was racing.

There was an agreement, I wasn't supposed to be doing this, but I had no other choice.

I banged on the black steel door with no luck. So I looked up to the supposedly hidden camera.

_"Please let me in...I need this."_

The door clicked open and then slammed shut as soon as I was inside.

Sugar was dressed in ridiculous pajamas, making the gun she held look even more out of place.

_"What are you doing?"_

_"I fucked up."_

_"How?"_

_"I had a lot of champagne, and now Britt is pissed."_

Sugar pushed me back against the door, still holding that gun. I bit the inside of my cheek hard when she used the gun to lift my chin up. The adrenaline of that moment took me back to the excitement that we used to share. We both had taken a liking to danger, but she by choice and me by force. This shouldn't be turning me on, but I couldn't help it.

_"Is that all you had?"_

I rolled my eyes.

 _"Just a taste."_ I whispered when she pressed her body against mine so I couldn't run.

_"And she figured it out?"_

_"Probably, I'm not the most discreet junkie...she threatened to drug test me, and I ran away."_

_"And you thought, why not go see my ex in the secret apartment that she keeps three floors down from mine?"_

_"I know it's stupid, but I needed to get sober somewhere safe. You are slimy as fuck, but I trust you."_

_"Showering is out of the question. It will make her suspicious, but you are welcome to sit down, have some water, and somehow talk me out of telling on you."_

_"Is she here?"_

_"No. Our cover is just that, a cover. At night she is with him."_

_"And you're okay with that?"_

Sugar looked defeated as she hung her head for a moment. _"Had I known going into this relationship with her...whatever...she will always love him."_

_"Has he punished you for falling in love with her?"_

_"You know Nico. He's a bleeding heart when it comes to those he loves. He'd never punish me for that. Besides, he's supposed to be dead."_

_"It's not fair to you, though, sure; I'm grateful for your security. Having you here to look out for us has made me feel like I can live a normal life, but you deserve love. You should be out enjoying life and falling in love."_

_"Not until the job is done and you jeopardizing your sobriety fucks with the whole operation."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"Not good enough. I need you to tell me the only expectation made of you."_

_"Stay out of trouble. Avoid old clients. Stay sober."_

_"Why do you sound pissed?"_ She said, tapping the gun against her thigh.

_"Because you have these expectations of me, but then Grady fucking hurt me right downstairs in your father's building! How can you expect shit of me and let me get hurt?"_

_"That was a mistake. I fucked up, okay? I was with Carmen and distracted. It won't happen again."_

_"You promised me that you wouldn't let him get close to her, but there he is every single fucking day."_

_"But he hasn't found a single moment alone with her. My people make sure of that. I am sorry about you getting hurt; I am still getting shit for it. Trust me."_

_"Look, I'm tired...can I just have that water."_

_"Do you want my pee too? Would that make things right between us?"_

_"It's a start."_

* * *

I wasn't counting on her being so mad at me, but I could understand why.

With my in-laws and kids asleep, I resisted the urge to have it out with her when I felt like she was overeating.

I took my shower and tried to relax, but her being upset wasn't sitting right with me.

Our marriage was supposed to be different than our relationship.

So I changed into my pajamas and then grabbed a pillow and blanket before returning to the living room.

Britt was curled up in a ball, staring out the window with tears in her eyes.

 _"B?"_ I whispered, but she didn't respond.

So, instead of pushing, I lifted her head and shoved the pillow underneath it. Then I climbed behind her and pulled the blanket over us.

 _"What are you doing?"_ She grumbled.

_"When we got married, I promised myself that I'd never go to bed angry, and I don't plan to break that promise."_

_"But I didn't make that promise."_

_"No, you're right; you didn't."_

_"I don't want to fight with you. It's been a long day, and I'd like to sleep."_ She sighed.

_"Then let's sleep."_

_"It's stupid that we are laying out here when we have a bed."_

_"Well, I'm going to sleep wherever you do. If this is where you want to be, then this is where I'm sleeping."_

_"You still smell like alcohol."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"And you are still sniffing like you snorted something."_

_"I'm sorry."_

_"So you did?"_

_"I'm sorry."_ It was all I could say. I took one look at that container of Sugar's pee and turned her down. I couldn't lie to B, not about this.

_"Why?"_

_"The majority of my clients were in Brooklyn, B. It's no surprise that they were there tonight, and just a few moments with them, I was back to being 18...back to being the girl they expected me to be. The girl they paid thousands of dollars to fuck."_

_"So they gave it to you?"_

_"Just a taste...I'm sorry."_

_"Mom asked me if you'd been to meetings. She's been here for over a month and hasn't seen you go to one. Is it because this is something you're back to?"_ Her voice sounded so vacant as she continued to hold herself and look off into the distance. _"I need the truth, Santana...please?"_

_"Here and there, I've tasted, but I haven't gone full junkie...never when I was breastfeeding. Only when they weren't here."_

_"Where are you getting it from?"_

_"It's New York."_

_"Where did you go tonight?"_

_"I can't...not that."_

_"Was it to a dealer?"_

_"No. Just a safe place."_

_"A drug-free place?"_

I didn't know how to answer that. I had no idea if Sugar was still dealing personally, but I decided to assume ignorance as fact.

_"Yes."_

_"I need you to start going to meetings again, and I know you hate the idea, but I think you need to stop breastfeeding. For good."_

_"She's not going to like it."_

_"Tough shit. You will not drug our babies. What you did to Izzy is still haunting us. He suffers because of you."_

Her words hurt me deeply, but she was right.

_"Whatever you want, B."_

_"Are you going to tell Dr. Clover?"_

_"I can't if I do...it's a breach of contract... there are consequences."_

_"Like what?"_

_"Triage."_ I shivered. _"I don't need that. I can get myself back to where I need to be, I swear."_ The words slipped past my lips before I could pull them back.

_"You should go. Just for like a check-up."_

_"But the kids need me...so do you."_

_"Not like this. Tony's wife has already offered to watch them. She runs a daycare."_

_"I don't want them in daycare, Britt."_

_"Would you rather we dump them on your family and have to explain to them why the kids need someone else to take care of them?"_

_"No."_

_"You said whatever I want, and this is what I want. Tomorrow, we can go out to Long Island, and you can talk to Dr. Clover in person about your next steps."_

_"My parents will still be here for two more days. They want us to take advantage of alone time while we can. We don't have to tell the world, just so long as you are taking this seriously before it gets out of control."_

_"Okay."_

_"Promise me something."_ She said, finally sitting up and turning to look at me in the eyes.

 _"Anything."_ I whispered, entranced by those fucking eyes.

_"That you'll stop lying to me, even if you think it will hurt my feelings. I can see the lies. I know you're lying, so you might as well just be honest with me from the beginning. It would save us so many tears."_

_"I promise."_ I felt resentful because she'd lied to me plenty of times, but I understood it, I guess. My lies were detrimental to the kids, and hers were just detrimental to me personally. Even when she was sleeping around, it never had a direct effect on Isaac. Still, my lies had literally nearly killed him in my womb.

"Thank you...let's go to bed."

* * *

**February**

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 10**

* * *

Being back in triage without any drugs really in my system was way more relaxing than the first time around.

There was no need to restrain me to the bed or push detox medication into my body.

Instead, I had daily therapy, realigned my anxiety medication, and I ate three square meals. My breasts were painful under the gauze that I been wrapping around them to stanch the flow of milk.

Ten days into a fourteen-day triage found me rested and more clearheaded than I had been in a while.

And I felt peace knowing that my kids weren't in daycare. I'd come clean to Rob and Susan; in doing that, they'd offered to stay until I got back.

 _"How are you feeling today?"_ Doc asked as she came into my room.

_"Better."_

_"Are you ready to be honest about your relapse?"_

_"I am."_

_"How much was a taste?"_

_"A line."_

_"How often?"_

_"Once a week, at least. I'd pump as much clean milk as I could and bottle feed. Take a line...wait four days, and then I'd allow her to breastfeed again."_

_"I'm proud of you for finally being honest."_

_"Me too."_

_"I've been in contact with a few colleagues on the outside since this breaks our contract, and I can't see you after this time."_

_"Which fucking sucks."_

_"Language."_ She scribbled that down, of course.

_"Sorry."_

_"How's the dial on your e.d?"_

_"Moderate...turned just a bit up. I am feeling the need to control things."_

_"But?"_

_"I need to manage my expectations. I need to be honest with myself."_

_"Good."_

_"So when can I meet this new therapist?"_

_"If you're amenable, I was going to have her shadow me for the next four days, so you can form a relationship sooner rather than later."_

_"Yes...that's fine."_ I waved her off. I hated that she was so formal in this room. Unlike her office, it had cameras, and everything we said could be heard.

She wasn't supposed to be my friend on the outside, and I was making it difficult sometimes by asking about her daughter or her new house.

I wasn't surprised that she was ready to pass me off. I'd fucked up the agreement.

Of course, she was disappointed...so was I, frankly.

* * *

**FULL OF GRACE REHABILITATION CENTER**

**DAY 14**

* * *

Being back outside after two weeks, felt odd and despite us wanting to contain things, it was Quinn who picked me up.

 _"Hi."_ I said to her as I climbed into the car.

_"Hey."_

_"Where's B?"_

_"She had to work. I finished classes early, so she asked me."_

_"How long have you known?"_

_"Since my party."_

_"And you didn't say anything?"_

_"By the time I could get to you without Ceily hovering, you were already here. Britt hasn't told anyone else where you really were. Rob told Walker, she's waiting for you back at your place. It's supposed to be a surprise, I think, but I know how you hate those."_

_"Thanks."_

She handed me my beloved sunglasses and then waited for me to buckle up before pulling off.

I stared out the window, and she turned up the music without a word.

Sending Quinn was probably the right move; I needed a moment, and Q was the queen of knowing when a situation called for silence.

I finally broke it.

_"Where did people think I was?"_

_"Checking out new coffee distributors and visiting the Beans."_

_"Sounds true enough."_

_"Lie with the truth, right? Walker had been doing that; she linked up with Felo."_

_"Right, I forgot he has his own coffee plantation."_

_"Well, he's now exclusively in business with the Beans, thanks to Walker."_

_"There's just one problem with this story."_

_"What?"_

_"Do you see how fucking pale I am?"_

_"That's why we are stopping to get you a spray tan."_

_"Anything to keep up the lie...right?"_

_"We don't have to. If you want to tell the whole family that you are back on drugs, I won't stop you."_ Her voice sounded tight. Was she mad at me?

_"I'm sorry that I let you down, Q."_

_"Me too."_

_"Harsh."_

_"You're an addict. It's a disease; I get that. It just feels like a choice from this side of things."_

_"So you're pissed off at me?"_

_"It was my fucking birthday! You could have just stuck to my side all night, but instead, you went off and what?"_

_"I'm sorry. I am trash; I get it, fuck. What do you want me to say?"_ The tears came easily; my hormones were still a mess. I broke down right in that passenger seat, and it threw her off majorly.

She pulled over, unbuckled herself, and pulled me into her arms.

Being back in my best friend's arms for the first time since we slept together felt like I was reunited with a limb that I had severed. We'd hugged and been friendly, but this was something different.

Just the two of us, with me letting down my walls.

Not since that night of my breakdown where things between us went too far, we hadn't had a moment like this.

_"I just miss my friend. You used to trust me with your full truth, good and bad. I let you fucking snort cocaine off the dashboard so you could get through a school day. I have had your back through everything. It always been me to clean you up, hold you together, and now what? You had shoved me to side character when it used to be the three of us as a shared main character."_

_"You're insane; I'm the main character, always."_ I tried to smile, and she rolled her eyes.

_"Sure, San, whatever you need to tell yourself."_

* * *

I got home just before lunchtime; Quinn was instructed to make sure I was inside the apartment before she left. She was honest as we made our way up in the elevator.

_"She's still upset about me disappearing on her."_

_"Of course she is, but she's been doing the work, going to therapy and meetings with me. Families of addicts have to stick together."_

_"Addicts?"_

_"My father."_

_"Right. I forget about him a lot."_

_"Lucky you, I haven't had that bit of good fortune."_

_"Will you help me get my shit together, Q?"_ I asked as we stepped out onto the tenth floor. I walked over to the window that overlooked the street, away from the door of my place. I just needed a little more time before going inside.

_"How can I help you?"_

_"We need a thing, I don't know what...but just some time away from Britt and the kids. Do you have anything like that?"_

_"You could come down to campus, do yoga with me, or some other activity."_

_"Yeah, that sounds fun."_

_"We could also go to a few open mic nights. You could sing. There are so many karaoke bars and lots of terrible music...it would be good to keep doing things that you love. It's been so long since I've seen you on a stage performing."_

_"I miss it...among other things."_ I wiped at a tear that had escaped and cleared my throat. Quinn pulled me into a hug and didn't let go.

_"You just need a life plan, San. You should be reapplying to Columbia and starting school. I moved to New York, picked Columbia over Yale just so we could do it together. Maybe you don't want to be a lawyer anymore, that's fine, but if you're trying to be a business mogul, a degree will be a good start."_

_"Go back to school?"_ It was like she was knocking some sense into me. Why hadn't I thought to go back? I did love school, I loved learning, and I had always dreamt of Columbia. Just because I didn't want to be a lawyer didn't mean that I should nix school altogether. _"I think you're right, Q."_

_"Glad to hear it. Now stop stalling and take your ass inside, I have to pick up Beth from Puck's in a few hours, and I need to have sex with your sister first."_

She winked and then escorted me back to the door. Her thumbs traced underneath my eyes, and then she dropped a light kiss on my lips for old-time sake. _"See you for Sunday dinner tomorrow?"_

_"I think so; I've skipped a lot of them. If I don't go, I'm sure Sandra will start sniffing around."_

_"Absolutely, now that Rob and Susan are leaving in the morning, your in-laws in town excuse goes down the drain."_

_"Ugh. I guess I'll see you tomorrow then."_

She knocked on the door and waited with me until I was no longer a flight risk.

I stood there, hoping that this wasn't going to be a habit. My freedom was precious to me, and the last thing I wanted was to lose it completely.

* * *

**Brittany's POV**

* * *

_"Thanks for doing this."_ I said to Frankie on the way home, she had made up an excuse for me to leave early for the day. I really wanted to pick up Ana, but I couldn't get out of work in the morning...thankfully, I'd at least be home for her first night back.

_"You're welcome. I hope that everything goes okay. I'll see you on Monday, right?"_

_"See you Monday."_

Quinn walked out of the elevators as I got to the lobby; she looked tired but smiled when she saw me.

_"Hey, B."_

_"Hi."_

_"She's upstairs...go easy on her okay, she's already cried a few times since I picked her up."_

_"Did it seem like her walls were down?"_ I asked, feeling hopeful.

_"Definitely. Don't forget Sunday dinner tomorrow at Sandra's. They've been suspicious that she hasn't been to a dinner in two months."_

_"We'll be there."_

_"Okay...well, I'm going to go get laid."_

_"Score. Have fun. Thanks for picking her up."_ I hugged her, and the tension that had been floating around her seemed to melt right off. _"And thanks for not having sex with her again."_ I said, and she let out a shaky laugh.

_"Definitely not doing that again."_

_"Just making sure."_

My body ached from a rough morning of dancing. Adding Saturdays to my work schedule meant that I was away from my family for six days a week, which didn't do anything to calm my fears about leaving the kids alone with Santana.

Mom says that I need to have faith that she'll do the right thing but hadn't I already had that? Hadn't I already trusted for her to keep her body clean, especially while she was breastfeeding our child?

After a therapy session with Dr. Clover, she'd recently admitted to me that she had put a system in place that allowed her to have a hit of coke but still be able to breastfeed. I cried for two days afterward.

I wasn't ready to see her, but I had made a vow for better or worse.

Was it wrong that I just wanted, for once, for it to be the better stuff for longer than a few months?

I could feel myself getting worked up as I got closer to seeing her again.

At least my parents were still here, and Walker would be sticking around for a few more days.

I wasn't ready to deal with her all on my own. Thankfully, other people saw that too.

* * *

Mom and Dad sat at the table with the kids having lunch, but my wife was nowhere to be seen.

 _"She's upstairs."_ Mom said as I kissed her face.

_"How is she?"_

_"Honestly, honey...she looks just like she did when she came to stay with us this past summer."_ Dad said.

 _"How's that?"_ I asked.

 _"Tired, honey. There's a look in her eyes that is different, though. I couldn't place it."_ Mom said.

I kissed the kids and then headed upstairs.

The sound of her piano greeted me first, which made me think of the night of our anniversary when I had come home drunk.

She was even playing the same song.

Walker was standing with her back to the room, staring out at the view.

Ana saw me and gave me a small smile.

I spun in place and then danced my way over to her, trying my best to be my bubbly old self.

Just like I could see through her, she could do the same to me.

When I sat next to her, she flinched.

 _"Am I interrupting? I can come back?"_ I said to her.

 _"No. There's nothing to interrupt, Brittany. I asked her a question, and she's been silent this whole time. I think I'll go downstairs and let you two talk...she's not ready to deal with me."_ Walker said and then patted me on the shoulder before heading downstairs.

Once we were alone, Ana turned to look at me and sighed. _"I want to go back to school. Is that okay with you?"_ She took her hands off the keys and folded them in her lap. _"Q seems to think that it would help me, and I agree."_

_"I support you in every good thing that you do. If you want to go back to school, then go."_

_"Are you still angry?"_

_"I feel many things, Ana...anger is just a small part of it. I fear that every time one of us fucks up, we want to start over, but I don't want to. I want us to pick up where we are and work on things. Was it that bad, life with me?"_

_"No...it was never about you, B."_

_"What other secrets are you keeping from me?"_

She shrugged, and it irritated me; there was so much that I could see in her eyes. What had still been tugging at my brain was where she'd gone that night...she'd come back smelling like someone else, and I needed to know that she hadn't run to another woman.

I'd even confronted Ari, but she had no idea what I was talking about.

_"So many, B. There are things that I can't tell you because it would endanger your life but not telling you could do the same. What do you want to know?"_

_"Where were you that night? Who were you with?"_

She began to play lightly, almost absently, as she spoke to the keys instead of to me.

 _"Do you remember running into Sugar before we left Lima?"_ She asked, and I nodded.

_"Yes."_

_"She'd just found out that Nico is alive..."_ She looked at me, waiting for that news to sink in, but I couldn't let it...there was always a part of me that didn't believe that Carmen had just left his body. _"...and that...my life was in danger...so is yours and the kids."_ This time, fear gripped me as I stared at her, feeling all the horror sink into me.

_"What the fuck?"_

_"We had to come back to New York. Nico has gotten even more powerful in his death. Those in the know assume he's alive but can't prove it. He's a fucking ghost. Sugar is his niece and married Carmen to keep up appearances that she'd moved on. Obviously, she hasn't. Nico assigned Sugar and her crew as our protection."_

_"How is she supposed to protect me?"_

_"She's been doing it for months now, she lives on the 7th floor, and Nico owns the building. That night, I was losing my hold on everything. I went to her because I needed a reality check. She apologized for letting Grady get to me...she'd been chasing Carmen because she does actually love her. Still, Carmen doesn't love her back."_

_"Wow...how does she protect me when I'm not here?"_

_"I think she has people at your job, dancers maybe. She won't tell me; it's apparently better if our protection blends in."_

_"This is insane."_

_"I know...and I'm not supposed to be telling you...I've been keeping this secret since Lima, and up until that night, I hadn't gone to Sugar. I'm not supposed to, but it felt smarter to go to her, someone who isn't going to put up with my shit. Trust me, she had a gun the whole time I was there. She even offered me her pee so I could pass your drug test, but I turned her down."_

_"And Grady, what does he have to with it?"_

_"Hector and Mami paid him to leave after he hurt me. I wanted to press charges, and they insisted that their way was better. I haven't really spoken to my mom since then. She's only out to do things that benefit her. Although I'm not supposed to know, I'm pretty sure that Nico got to Grady; he probably threatened his life and family. In true Nico, fashion has probably turned an enemy into a friend."_

_"Meaning what, that he's the protection?"_

_"Who better, I mean, I hate him, and you have bitter history. No one would suspect that he is your protection. I don't know it for sure, but it's the only thing that made sense when I heard that he just came back out of the blue. How's he been to you?"_

_"Nice, but in a way that makes me feel like I just imagined we were together. He doesn't spend time alone with me; he isn't overly friendly. He's just there, dancing and singing."_

_"See what I mean?"_

_"Yeah."_

_"B, can I just say...I'm super grateful for you holding me down through this. Triage was good for me. I got to rest, I reevaluated what I was doing, and I remembered who I was when I left there in the first place."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Definitely. I need accountability. I need to go to those meetings, and Walker being here is a smart move. We help each other in dark moments; I'm in one now...even with triage. I'm not craving or anything, but right now, I must form a routine and a plan."_

_"Will you tell your family tomorrow?"_

_"No. It's not something that I'm ready to talk about with them. Sandra will talk about my access to money, which is greater, the older I get. Mari will want to talk about my health, and Celia will just hover way more than I can handle. Don't even get me started on my mom. I don't need their judgment right now. You are my family. First, I want to take care of this at home, with you. Is that okay?"_

_"Yes."_

_"Good. Would you mind if I go out for a bit with Walker?"_

I wanted to tell her that I minded, but I could see that she needed my trust. So I gave in.

_"That's fine. Just don't stay out all night, okay?"_

_"Okay."_

* * *

**Santana's POV**

* * *

By the time I got back home with Walker in tow, I was sweaty and exhausted, but I felt amazing.

Walker left me at the door with a hug and a promise to be back in the morning for a run.

I found Britt on her knees in the bathroom, giving the kids a bath while music played for them.

 _"Hey."_ I said to her, and she smiled up at me, looking relieved to see me in one piece. _"It's quiet. Are your parents not here?"_

_"Date night, they went to see a show. It's just been me and the kiddos. Wanna help?"_

_"Sure. I'd like that."_

I knelt beside her and began to soap up Isaac. He stood there looking down at the ducky in his hands, which is was different than he normally is with me.

 _"Papa?"_ I called to him, and he looked up but didn't smile at me. _"Are you okay?"_

 _"Want Mama."_ He said to me but didn't move to stop me from washing him up. Instead, he just chose to look away again.

 _"Ouch."_ I whispered, but I didn't want him to see me cry, so I sucked back the rejection and tried to put on a happy face. Daniela was no better. She was officially cut off from my boobs and had no time for me. I'd worn out my usefulness to her.

Shit, how bad had I fucked up that my kids hated me after two weeks?

_"Hey, they are just crabby, don't let it get to you...oh and don't be surprised when you see, I moved them into the same bedroom. Their rooms were way too big for them to be separated. They've been sleeping better at night."_

_"So what have you been doing with the empty room?"_

_"Dad helped me set up a gate; I put a treadmill in there, and most of their toys...I also mounted a tv. It's been easy to still get my run in while they play."_

_"That's a good idea."_

_"I thought so."_

The ducky that had previously been in Isaac's hand hit my face, stunning me into attention. He was glaring at me with his arms across his chest. _"Go way!"_ He grumbled at me.

 _"Hey, that's not nice! Say sorry!"_ Britt commanded, and he stomped his little foot but still said it.

 _"Sorry."_ He was so insincere, but Britt didn't bother correcting him.

Even though I was sore about it, I still helped get them dressed and in bed for the night. As I leaned over Daniela to give her kisses, she hit my boob. _"Che-Che?"_

_"No, baby."_

_"Che-Che!"_ She screeched.

My boobs still had milk, but I had been letting them dry up; the doctors in triage helped me bind them every day, and not having a screaming baby around had helped the milk stop. Now though, as she cried, the pain of my binding was more apparent. I kissed her face and left the room. I didn't make it far, sliding down the wall to the floor just outside their room while she cried for my milk.

Britt eventually came out and held out a hand for me. _"Come on, you need some pampering. How about a bath?"_

 _"Are you sure? Not wanting me seems to be all the rage."_ I joked as I let her pull me towards our guest room.

_"Don't joke like that; they'll get over it. You can't be so hard on yourself; they're 1 and 2, don't take it personally."_

* * *

Not even the bath helped calm me, having Britt watch me unbind my chest and then hold onto my aching breasts while she held me.

 _"Do they hurt that much?"_ She asked me as I rebound them.

_"Not as much as it has been, but her crying made them ache way more than they have."_

_"How long do you need to wrap them like that?"_

_"As long as it takes for them to dry up."_

_"What can I do to help?"_

_"I don't know, maybe we just have a bottle ready before she asks?"_

_"We can do that."_ It felt good to lay in a real bed again, even if it wasn't my own. I pulled the blankets up and cuddled as deeply as I could. Britt turned off the overhead light and left the lamp on before cuddling next to me. _"How was your time with Walker?"_

 _"Good. I took her to Times Square and then to a coffee shop. Then...she um..."_ I felt so proud of myself at that moment for offering up the information about Nico being alive because it made this conversation easier. _"We went to Nico's diner; it's been gutted out. Even the apartment upstairs is getting an overhaul. Sugar gave me the keys, and we are going to rebrand it and open it as our newest Bean location."_

 _"Oh, wow."_ She smiled. _"So that's why Walker showed up?"_

_"Yeah, I thought she was here for me, but she told me how she showed up here at Rob's urging, and then he told her I'd relapsed."_

_"Are you going to be able to handle this project?"_

_"No. Not by myself. Walker is going to oversee it. She and Rob will hire the contractors; I'm just signing off on things that I need to."_

_"I'm glad that you aren't taking on more than you can handle."_

_"Really?"_

_"Yes. I can tell that you're trying to be transparent and honest with me, just on this first day back. I hope I can help you keep this up."_

_"Well, it'd be nice if we actually still did date nights. I wrote up that whole contract with Mami and while I've pretty much said fuck her after the Grady situation, us taking time to work on us and spend time together is important."_

_"We can do that, my love. I work on Saturdays now, though, so we'll have to do date nights on Saturday nights. Is that okay?"_

_"Sure, B."_ I don't know why I felt nervous, but I did, and the only way to deal with that though is to jump in feet first. So I leaned in close to her. _"Can I kiss you?"_

_"Yes."_

The moment I pressed my lips to hers, I was sure that things were going to change. All I had to do was stay in the moment and manage my expectations. It had been hard, but I had faced harder.

With Britt on my side and by my side, I knew that I could conquer anything.


End file.
